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It starts the day Jongin catches him.
He's crushing the cigarette butt under his heel, watching the light die, then he looks up to see Jongin.
"You smoke," Jongin says, and the guilt lands in Sehun's gut like a punch.
Sehun tries to laugh it off. "Couldn't you tell by my yellowing teeth?" By the smell of smoke that clings to his hair. By the pack of cigarettes on his desk.
"It's bad for you," Jongin continues.
Sehun doesn't answer to that. Jongin walks up to him, and his expression up close crushes Sehun. He doesn't look disappointed, just sad, and maybe that's what hurts the most, that perhaps Jongin expected this of him after all. Jongin laces their hands together, and Sehun wants to pull away.
"Stop smoking," Jongin says, demands, and Sehun really does try to pull away. Jongin doesn't let him. Standing straight up, with his shoulders drawn back, they're almost the same height as Jongin stares at him. Sehun, for the first time around Jongin, feels small.
I can't, Sehun thinks, but when Jongin squeezes his hand, he spills out, "I'll try," instead.
He doesn't. It's almost worse, now that it's not a secret anymore. The lighter makes his way into the pocket of his blazer, and he knows Jongin can feel it when he tucks his hands in them to keep warm. He brings the whole pack to school now, instead of the one or two smokes he hides in his pencil case.
Sehun takes another drag just as Jongin appears around the corner, the disgruntled look on his face saying that he's about to chastise Sehun for skipping English again. It crumples away into dejection when he sees the stream of smoke from between Sehun's lips.
Sehun looks away, and drops the cigarette, only halfway burnt, onto the floor. He takes a deep breath, the crisp autumn air diluting the nicotine in his lungs, and turns back to smile at Jongin.
He's not there.
He waits outside Jongin's last class that afternoon. Jongin's face lights up when he sees him, and the monster in Sehun's gut crawls up and tugs at his gullet.
"Hey," Sehun says.
"Hey," Jongin says, hand automatically coming forward to wind into Sehun's. Sehun reflexively puts their joined hands into his blazer pocket. He's not sure who tenses more when the lighter grazes their knuckles.
Sehun's throat closes up. Jongin's the one who asks if he's free this afternoon, and Sehun just nods, unsure if he can force words through the lump in his throat.
They go to Sehun's house. Jongin sits on his bed, and Sehun playfully crawls onto Jongin's lap, tucking his face against Jongin's neck and breathing in. He grins cheekily as he starts pulling Jongin's shirt out from where they're tucked into his pants, and Jongin squirms and laughs, landing heavily on his back.
Sehun lies flat on top of Jongin, head on the bed next to his, and watches the quirk of Jongin's mouth when he smiles. He looks up, and Jongin's watching him, too.
Sehun tilts Jongin's head towards his, lifting off the bed a little to make the angle more forgiving.
Jongin's hand curls around Sehun's wrist, and pushes him away.
"What?" Sehun says, confused.
"You smell like smoke," Jongin says. His voice is steady, but the way he bites his lip after betrays his nerves.
"What," Sehun repeats. There's a swirl of feelings in his chest, and he can't figure them out, but what rises above them all is anger.
He shoves Jongin, so hard he almost falls off Sehun's tiny twin-sized bed. There's shock on Jongin's face, there's fear in his eyes, there's worry where he stammers, "S -- Sehunnie."
The anger rushes into Sehun's head. "It didn't matter to you before!" He shouts, sitting up and pulling away to the edge of his bed.
He can feel the mattress dip behind him, and he stands up before Jongin can reach him. He walks up to the window and throws it open, yanks the drawer open and takes a cigarette out, nearly burns himself when he lights it up. He takes a deep, sharp inhale, and the smoke hits the back of his throat like a bullet. It burns. It almost hurts.
"Leave," he says, staring out the window. "Leave if you don't like it."
He waits, and waits, but he never hears the door open. He takes another drag, and another, and another. The smoke pushes through the mess of emotions in his chest, and cuts a straight path to the sorrysorrysorryimamesspleasedontleaveme at the bottom of his lungs.
A third into the cigarette, he drops the rest of it out the window.
There's a shuffle behind him, and Jongin's chest against his back, Jongin's arms curling around his waist, Jongin's face against his neck. Sehun smells like nicotine, and Jongin breathes it in.
"It didn't matter to you before," Sehun says again. "Why does it matter to you now?"
"You always matter to me," Jongin whispers, and Sehun's breath is shaky. He needs another smoke.
He turns around and buries his face in Jongin's hair instead.
Chanyeol knew Sehun smoked before Jongin did. Chanyeol's always in the fucking way, always turning up to see Baekhyun and always catching Sehun skipping classes and always giving him detention. Sehun fucking hates Chanyeol.
"You're just jealous," Baekhyun teased after Chanyeol carded him for smoking the first time. The entry in Chanyeol's silly book said inappropriate behaviour and Sehun rolled his eyes.
"Is that what you write when you and Baekhyun get it on in class," Sehun deadpanned. Chanyeol spluttered, and Baekhyun laughed.
"I write that because smoking could get you suspended, you dipshit," Chanyeol bit back, and Sehun blinked.
He steeled his expression over. "Then write it. Let them suspend me."
Baekhyun rolled his eyes, and told Chanyeol, "He doesn't mean it."
"I also write that because it'll crush Jongin if he finds out," Chanyeol added, after a pause.
Sehun fucking hates Chanyeol.
Jongin doesn't say anything the next time he sees Sehun smoking. He doesn't even walk away, just sits with his back against the wall, opposite Sehun who is lying down on the grass.
"The wall's probably dirtier than the grass," Sehun tells him.
Jongin laughs, and it sends sparks through Sehun's head. "You're probably dirtier than them combined," he teases.
Sehun sighs and takes another drag, and thinks that Jongin's probably right. Even so, Jongin moves over to sit next to him, and runs a hand through Sehun's hair. Sehun sighs happily and leans into Jongin's touch. Jongin tugs at Sehun until he's sitting, and he's the one who leans in and kisses Sehun, almost shy. It makes Sehun grin, and Sehun kisses back. He misses this.
Jongin pulls back too soon, and he coughs, face twisted up. Sehun pulls back, and guilt tugs in his chest, but then Jongin's leaning in again.
Sehun's the one who pulls back this time. Jongin's face looks tight, like he's holding something back, and then it surges out of him in another series of vicious coughs. Then Jongin leans forward again.
"Stop," Sehun says, hands raised. "Are you trying to guilt-trip me?"
"Is it working?" Jongin asks, but he backtracks when he sees the irritation cross Sehun's face. "I'm not. I just -- "
Jongin doesn't continue, and Sehun tugs at his fingers gently.
Jongin sighs, and cards a hand through his own hair. "I just want to kiss you anyway," he finishes.
Sehun's heart thuds, hard enough to punch through all the bad feelings in his chest.
Jongin doesn't ask Sehun, but Sehun promises anyway.
"I'll quit," he says. The for you goes unsaid.
The soft smile on Jongin's face sets his insides on fire. Sehun swallows, and tosses his cigarette under his heel.
When Baekhyun had first seen the glowing cigarette in Sehun's hand, he fucking flipped.
"What the fuck, Oh Sehun, even I don't smoke," Baekhyun said, slapping the cigarette out of Sehun's hand and stomping it under his foot.
"Fuck you," Sehun said, gritting his teeth. "They're fucking expensive."
"So you're using your mother's money on them!?"
"Shut the fuck up!" Sehun said, already reaching for another cigarette, but he stopped when he saw the glare in Baekhyun's eyes.
Baekhyun had taken a proactive role to stop Sehun, snatching Sehun's backpack off of him every morning and rifling through it until he was sure he'd found every last cigarette, crushing them in his fist and tossing them into the garbage. He kept going until Sehun broke down crying when he'd found Sehun at the back of the school, smoking a cigarette he'd missed, and he'd pried it from Sehun's shaking fingers.
"I can't afford another pack," Sehun said, voice hoarse and pathetic. "This is my last one, Baekhyun, please."
"You're ruining yourself," Baekhyun said.
"I know," Sehun said, sunken against the wall, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms.
"Your mother -- "
"Shut up shut up shut up!" Sehun cried, flailing an arm wildly to push Baekhyun back.
It was quiet except for Sehun's faint sobs, and then Baekhyun told him, "I'm going to find Jongin."
"Don't tell him," Sehun said, stumbling as he stood, trying to stop Baekhyun. "Don't tell him."
"If you don't want him to know, maybe you should never have started."
Sehun's throat was dry when Jongin turned up, eyes wide with worry, and Jongin didn't ask, just grabbed Sehun into a hug and murmured it's okay, I'm here, it's okay into his ear. Sehun fisted his hands into Jongin's shirt and buried his face as far as it could go into Jongin's neck.
"What did hyung tell you?" He asked when he could finally talk.
"That you needed me," Jongin said, simply.
Baekhyun still looks at him in disapproval every time he lights up, but he doesn't try to stop Sehun anymore. And that's just as well, because Sehun doesn't really expect anyone to care.
Sehun pops up at the back of the school and sees Baekhyun playing some stupid mobile game on his phone. He leans over his shoulder and watches for a few minutes, then gets bored and pulls out his own phone to scroll through Instagram.
It's a while before Baekhyun peeks over the top of his phone, then he curses because the short distraction cost him a life.
"Sehun-ah," Baekhyun says, slow. "You're not smoking?"
"I'm quitting," Sehun says.
There's a long pause, and Sehun's fingers tingle.
"Really?" Baekhyun says. The surprise and doubt in his tone sucker punches Sehun and he panics.
Sehun takes a deep breath, but the air is cold and it doesn't satisfy the monsters in his gut. "No," he finally says, and he digs into his backpack.
"Oh," Baekhyun says. He sounds disappointed.
Sehun's used to that.
When he's burned through the cigarette, the anxiety breathed out along with the smoke, he tells Baekhyun, "Don't tell Jongin."
Baekhyun sighs.
Sehun knows Jongin can smell the nicotine on him when he snuggles into his side later that afternoon, but he doesn't mention it. When Jongin manages to remove Sehun's clingy arms from around him to go for basketball practice, though, he leans forward and gives Sehun a peck on his cheek, and whispers, "I know it's hard but it means a lot to me that you're trying."
Sehun stands in front of the trash can with the pack in his hands, still heavy with cigarettes.
He hears the door open and panics, stuffing the box into his sweatpants pocket, walking away with his head down and ignoring the confused look his brother gives him.
The pack of cigarettes sits on his desk while he pretends to do his math tutorial. There's a buzz in the back of his head, a tingle in his fingertips, and he's breathing heavily through his nose. He reads the first question the seventeenth time, then groans and buries his face into his arms.
He reaches out, palms the table until his hand closes around his cigarettes. He takes one out, and the first breath of smoke fills his lungs and clears his head.
His phone lights up, and he looks up to see his wallpaper, Jongin's head leaning against his and a silly smile on both their faces.
He swears it's his last one.
Sehun forgoes math class the next day, since he didn't do his homework anyway. It's the one class Baekhyun has with Chanyeol, so he doesn't turn up, and Sehun just lies down and watches the sky until he almost feels dizzy.
He reaches out for his backpack, and his hand collides with Jongin's shoe.
He glances over. "You have class," he says.
"I do," Jongin agrees, sitting down. "So do you."
"I hate math," Sehun says, pouting. Jongin laughs and jabs a finger into Sehun's side. Sehun squeaks, and flushes.
"Didn't do your homework again?"
"Yea," Sehun says. "So I might as well get detention for something actually worth it."
Jongin hugs his knees towards himself and sighs, pooling his head on top of them. "Sehunnie," he says, tone warning, and Sehun closes his eyes, waiting for Jongin to scold him.
It doesn't come. Sehun blinks one eye open, and Jongin's just watching him. His heart stutters.
"Why'd you skip class?" He asks, and his lip quirks up. "My influence?"
"Maybe," Jongin says, smiling. Then, he finally adds, "You should do your homework."
Sehun rolls his eyes, but something claws angrily at his ribs. He reaches out, and Jongin catches his hand easily.
"Jongin," he says. Jongin hums, and rubs circles into the back of his hands. Sehun closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath before sitting up. He scoots forward and leans in to kiss Jongin.
"You taste like mint," is what Jongin says when they part, and Sehun giggles at the sudden comment.
"What?" Sehun says, half of it muffled by Jongin again. Sehun laughs into Jongin's mouth, and Jongin starts laughing too, and it's kind of gross because they're not even kissing anymore, just laughing into each other's mouths. Sehun pulls Jongin closer, and Jongin lets him.
"You taste like mint," Jongin repeats, resting his forehead against Sehun's. "Like, good mint. Not cigarette menthol."
Oh. Sehun chews on the inside of his cheek. He hadn't smoked since last night.
"Why do you smoke?" Jongin asks.
Sehun keeps quiet, watches Jongin play with his fingers.
Jongin tries a different tactic. "How's your mom?"
Sehun freezes. Jongin lets go of one of Sehun's hands and rubs softly against his shoulder.
"She'll be fine," Sehun manages around the lump in his throat. A pause. "She's getting better." Another shaky breath. "Hyung's still got a job," he tries, but his laughter is dry.
Jongin nods. He pulls Sehun into the crook of his neck, and murmurs, "You'll get better too."
Sehun really thinks he won't, but he just nods, a hand fisted into Jongin's shirt.
A voice cuts through suddenly, ruining their moment. "Jongin!?"
Sehun looks up, and he groans. "Fuck."
Junmyeon is walking up to the two of them, stupid book already in hand, a shocked expression on his face. "Jongin, do you have class?"
"No," Sehun says, at the same time Jongin says, "No?" complete with the inflection and nervous backward glance.
Junmyeon purses his lips. He cards Sehun, straight to detention. Sehun's just glad he's not smoking; Junmyeon actually threatened to suspend him the last time he caught him. Junmyeon hesitates before he cards Jongin, too.
"It's your first violation, so it's just a warning." Junmyeon says.
Sehun scoffs. "You sent me straight to detention on my first violation."
"Jongin has a good record," Junmyeon retorts, glaring at Sehun, before he looks at Jongin. "Don't let Sehun influence you, Jongin."
It catches Sehun off-guard, and his jaw drops before he can collect his emotions. Jongin's own face is blank, but Sehun can feel something simmering under the surface. When Junmyeon leaves with a get back to class! Jongin seethes and throws his yellow card onto the ground. Sehun shrinks back in surprise.
"Jongin -- "
"I hate it when people talk about you like that," Jongin spits. "Like they're above us, in some way."
Sehun watches Jongin, who is glaring angrily at probably what is his first card ever sitting on the ground. His dark brown hair is hanging in his eyes, just short enough to pass the dress code. The back of Jongin's collar is upturned and his blazer crumpled around his elbows.
"Not us," Sehun says, voice sounding like it's someone else's. He reaches up and folds Jongin's collar down. "Just me."
Jongin looks at Sehun with more fire in his eyes than Sehun's ever seen. "Don't say that," he hisses.
"Okay," Sehun mumbles, looking down at his own red card -- just another to add to his collection.
That night, Sehun picks a cigarette out of the pack, and he spins it between his fingers a few times before he lights up. He waits for it to ease his headache away, but it stays, persistent.
Sehun pulls another out, breathes in deep, and holds it in as long as he can before he feels his lungs starting to burn. The smoke leaving his mouth traces aimless patterns into the street, and Sehun follows them with his eyes until the last tendril fades away.
His head still pounds and he curses while he stubs out the last of his cigarette, dropping the butt out the window. He throws himself onto his bed, and picks up his phone. Jongin grins down at him from his wallpaper, and his headache flares.
He calls him.
"Mhhhfrmmm?" Jongin says, and Sehun chuckles.
"Hello to you too," Sehun teases. "Did I wake you up?"
Jongin makes more muffled, grumbling noises, and Sehun rolls over, pressing his face against his mattress.
"Sorry," Sehun says.
Jongin finally says something coherent. "I took a nap."
"It's 9pm," Sehun says.
Jongin yawns before saying, "Basketball."
Sehun nods, even though Jongin can't see. "How was practice?"
"Horrible. Yifan made us do suicides until I couldn't breathe anymore."
"Only I'm allowed to take your breath away," Sehun says, and then he slaps his own face with his hand because that was embarrassing.
Jongin laughs, bright and more awake, and drawls, "Grooooooooooooooooooooooooss."
"Shut up," Sehun says, still trying to smush his face into the mattress.
Jongin's laugh peters out before he asks, "Why'd you call me?"
"No reason," Sehun says.
Sehun can almost hear Jongin frowning. "Sehunnie," he starts, but Sehun cuts him off.
"No, really. I feel better now."
There's a pause, before Jongin asks, "Did something happen?"
Sehun looks out his window, watches the tree outside bow a little in response to the wind, the lights in the windows of the neighbouring apartment. "No. I just wanted to talk to you."
Jongin hums, and Sehun knows he's not satisfied, but Jongin never pushes. "Okay. Have you done your homework?"
Sehun almost laughs. "You think?"
Jongin sighs, and it comes staticky over the phone. "Okay. Go get your math tutorial out. I'm going to go wash my face and we'll do it together."
Sehun groans, but he does go get his tutorial out. Later, when Jongin cuts off unexpectedly, he looks up to see his phone battery dead and almost too hot to touch. His tutorial is completed, though, and he takes a photo and sends it to Jongin after he manages to get his phone back on.
Jongin sends him back a bunch of thumbs up and wishes him good night, with a heart.
Sehun sees how dopey his smile is in the mirror and has to work to school it back into a neutral expression.
"Hyung," Sehun says when he finds Baekhyun at the back of the school.
"Go for class," Baekhyun mumbles while he taps mindlessly on his phone.
Sehun rolls his eyes. "You don't have a right to ask that of me."
"Yah," Baekhyun says, but his tone is bored. "Don't be rude to your hyungs."
Sehun sits down next to Baekhyun, who is scrolling through a Naver article on some Kpop group. He slumps over and lets his head pool onto Baekhyun's shoulder, more watching Baekhyun's fingers than actually reading what's on his screen.
Baekhyun shrugs his shoulder a little, jostling Sehun. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Sehun says.
Baekhyun's phone buzzes, and a banner drops from the top. It's Chanyeol, saying, you have five minutes to get to class. Baekhyun swipes it away.
"Is it weird?" Sehun asks while Baekhyun clicks on another article.
"That Park Geunhye is some cult puppet? Of course that's weird."
"No," Sehun says, rolling his eyes. "Your thing with Chanyeol."
"What, that we fuck sometimes?" Baekhyun glances down at Sehun.
Sehun's face twists. "Ew, no. That you're, you know," he says, gesturing vaguely. Baekhyun raises an eyebrow, and Sehun sighs. "That he's vice president of the student council, and you're. You know." He tugs at Baekhyun's untucked shirt.
"I'm super hot?" Baekhyun says, playful. He yelps when Sehun shoves him, then switches his phone screen off and looks at Sehun. "No, not really. Does it bother you?"
Sehun sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, and Baekhyun gives him a withering look.
"Please, I think your Jonginnie's just as much of a goody two shoes as Chanyeol is."
"Right," Sehun says, and he reaches out for his backpack. He opens the box, and it's half empty. It takes him a while to light it, hands shaking.
Baekhyun watches, disapproval deep in his eyes. Sehun ignores him and waits for the smoke to do its magic. It doesn't. He leans back and lands heavily on his back, and stares up at the sky. It still makes him dizzy.
Baekhyun watches him for a while before twisting around and lying down next to Sehun. "It's not like Chanyeol's perfect. Have you seen his new hair?"
"But Jongin's perfect," is what Sehun says, and he squeezes his eyes shut.
There's a long, long pause. "He cares about you, Sehun-ah."
Sehun's about to say something, but he hears footsteps and he refrains from speaking, putting his cigarette back between his lips and trying to suffocate himself with the smoke.
"Hello, Park," Baekhyun says.
Fuck. Sehun opens his eyes and looks over at him. Somehow, he manages to hide his surprise at Chanyeol's shock of red hair. Chanyeol's eyes flick down to the cigarette between his fingers. Sehun looks away and brings it back to his lips.
"Planning on skipping class?" Chanyeol asks Baekhyun.
"You know it," Baekhyun quips.
"I thought you were going to quit," Chanyeol says. Sehun only realises he's talking to him because Baekhyun doesn't reply. He glances over at Chanyeol's furrowed eyebrows and resists the urge to roll his eyes.
"Who told you that?" Sehun says instead.
"Jongin did," Chanyeol says, his brows knitting even tighter together. "What are you going to do if he finds out?"
Sehun's throat is dry because what is he going to do if Jongin finds out? There's a flash of panic when Sehun wonders if Chanyeol will tell Jongin, but he pushes it down. "What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him," he says, careful to keep his voice level. "I'll get there eventually. Calm your tits, Park."
Chanyeol sighs, that same, disappointed, resigned sigh Sehun is so used to. He takes another drag and tries to pretend Chanyeol doesn't exist. It fails when Baekhyun slaps him on his thigh.
"Go to class," Baekhyun says. "I don't care if you don't do shit, just show up at least."
Sehun scoffs. They probably just want him to leave so they can make out. "Okay, Dad," he says, getting up. He drops his cigarette in front of Chanyeol and makes a show of stamping it out, just to piss him off.
"Brat," Baekhyun says, and Sehun flips him off.
He's rounding the corner when he hears Chanyeol say, "I don't understand how Jongin puts up with this shit."
The pounding in Sehun's head intensifies. He doesn't go for class. Instead, he walks to the school carpark and sits at the corner furthest from the school. He's gotten caught there before -- by a teacher, no less -- but he can't sit through calculus right now.
He takes another cigarette out, and plays with it between his fingers. The throbbing in his head echoes louder, the more he looks at it. He reaches into his pocket and takes out his lighter, flicking it on and off, close to the tip but not enough to light it.
He ends up cursing and flinging the cigarette away. It doesn't make it far, rolling to a stop barely a foot away.
He sits with his head between his knees, gulping breaths against the tightness in his chest.
Oxygen's not enough. He reaches for the cigarette.
It's still not enough.
He's a wreck. He doesn't want to see anyone, but he knows he can't be left alone.
So he turns up for detention. Where he's not allowed to smoke, and where he can hide from Jongin.
But apparently he can't hide from Park Chanyeol. He sighs in irritation.
Chanyeol's eyebrow quirks up. "Would you rather Junmyeon? I'm more than happy to get him."
Junmyeon's worse. "Nah," Sehun walks to the front of the classroom and sits heavily, bringing his legs up on the desk. "I can barely stand you as it is."
"Nice to know," Chanyeol says drily.
Sehun's antsy, and he taps against the desk incessantly. He needs a smoke. He needs a smoke. The sound of Chanyeol's pen scratching over his tutorials is giving him a headache, he needs a smoke to block it all out.
He looks up at Chanyeol, bright red hair hanging over his face, and he's reminded of Baekhyun saying, he's not perfect. It makes him smile, a little.
"Why are so interested in Baekhyun, anyway?” Sehun asks.
Chanyeol's head jerks up in surprise. "What?"
"Baekhyun," Sehun says again. "Isn't it against school policy to be like -- seen with him?"
Chanyeol laughs, startled. "Then shouldn't it be against policy for you to be with Jongin?"
The tightness in Sehun's ribs increases, squeezing all the air out of him. "Jongin's not on the student council, now is he. Stop evading my question."
"I'm not," Chanyeol says. He taps his pen against his chin in consideration, and says, "Okay, how about you tell me why you like Jongin so much, and maybe then I’ll answer your question."
Sehun's jaw clenches. He came here to avoid Jongin, not to talk about him. But now he's at the front of his mind; the way his face brightens up every time he sees Sehun, the way he's always asking about Sehun's family, the way he constantly gives Sehun copies of his notes whether or not Sehun looks at them, the way he never probes but always lets Sehun know he cares. Sehun stares at his feet. Even his shoes are from Jongin.
"Fine," he says. "Almost everyone's given up on me, but Jongin refuses to." His voice trails off towards the end, wavering under the weight of the words. His hands clench into fists, and he curls in tighter into himself.
"See," Chanyeol says. "That wasn't too bad."
"Shut up," Sehun snaps, but there's no venom in it. "What about you?"
Chanyeol hums. "To be honest, I don’t know."
Chanyeol really pisses Sehun off. "What?"
"I don’t know why I’m so interested." Chanyeol hums and looks up in thought. "I just am." he shrugs.
Sehun stares at Chanyeol, at his spotless uniform and his student council badge and his bright red hair. "You can't change him."
Chanyeol smiles, a little lopsided and amused. "I know I can't change Baekhyun in any way. But I like how he doesn't give a shit about what others think of him. It's admirable."
"Do you love him?" Sehun blurts out. He nearly winces at how stupid he sounds.
Chanyeol laughs at him. Sehun hates him. "I wouldn't say love, but I do have feelings for him."
Feelings. Sehun thinks about Jongin, and his lungs scream. He makes a frustrated sound and cards his hands through his hair, cursing. "I'm such a shit -- " he catches himself before he continues.
It's too late. "What?" Chanyeol blinks at him, confused.
The dam cracks. "Jongin." He inhales, and the friction of air against his throat hurts. "He -- he's so good to me, and I can't even quit smoking."
"Oh," Chanyeol says, and then, slower, almost careful, he asks, "You love him, don't you?"
Love.
It's like all the emotions in Sehun's chest settle suddenly, even without the nicotine weighing them down, and Sehun wonders how he didn't know. He blinks at his shoes, still in shock.
"Sh -- shut up," he manages.
"Who would have thought," Chanyeol says, voice teasing. "Oh Sehun has feelings."
"I hate you." Sehun does, he really does.
Chanyeol laughs at that, and Sehun hates him. He stands up and walks over, and Sehun grumbles as Chanyeol ruffles his hair.
"Baekhyun was right," he says, grinning. "You are a good kid."
The timer on Chanyeol's phone goes off, and Sehun rushes out so quickly he knocks his chair over. He hears Chanyeol shout at him to pick it back up, but Sehun has something he needs to do.
He's running to the outside the school, and he digs through his backpack, finding the cigarettes at the bottom of his bag. He flips the lid open. Eight more.
He takes a deep breath -- of cold, winter air -- and it doesn't clear his head, but at least it doesn't muddle him up. He throws them away.
The withdrawal is bad. He skips class the next day. His brother raps on his door a few times, but Sehun looks and sounds the part, so he buries himself back under the covers and tries to feel like he isn't dying.
Jongin turns up. "Sehunnie, are you okay? You didn't reply my texts."
"Go away," Sehun croaks.
Jongin rushes to his bedside, pulling his water bottle out from his own bag and shaking Sehun under the covers. "C'mon, you need water."
"No I don't," Sehun says, but Jongin's right. His throat is scratchy. "Not your bottle."
Jongin rolls his eyes. "I'll get you your own glass, but drink this for now."
Sehun does. He doesn't think Jongin can catch nicotine withdrawal, after all.
Jongin returns with an entire jug of water, and sits down on the bed next to Sehun.
"Your mom said hi to me," he says softly. "She's put on weight."
"Tell her that and you'll send her into another depression."
Jongin hits him, and Sehun groans in pain.
"Fuck, sorry, okay?"
"I know you joke about it because it's hard to deal with, but don't be mean," Jongin scolds. "She's your mom."
"Whatever," Sehun says. His head hurts too much to deal with his mother's issues. "She's getting better. She's taking the pills and everything."
"That's good," Jongin says. "What about you? Did you see the doctor? Do you have medicine?"
"Threw them away."
"What!?" Jongin just about screeches, and Sehun's headache amplifies. He pushes the heels of his palms into eyes, groaning.
"Fuck, Jongin, relax. I'm kidding."
"This isn't funny, Sehun. You look like a wreck."
"Yea," he says, and he peeks out at Jongin. "Still wanna kiss me?"
Jongin's eyes go from frustrated to fond. "Yea. Even if you're contagious."
Sehun laughs, and it hurts his throat. "It's not contagious."
Jongin raises an eyebrow. "What makes you so sure?"
Sehun takes his hands away from his face, and he pushes himself into a sitting position. Jongin reaches behind him and pulls his pillows up so he can lean against the headboard, and Jongin does drop a small kiss on the top of his head before pulling away. Sehun's lips pull into a smile.
"Because," Sehun says, slowly. "You've never smoked."
Jongin's brows furrow, confused.
"I threw them away."
Jongin's eyes widen, and his jaw drops. Then, after a moment, his face explodes into a grin and he tackles Sehun into a hug, kissing every inch of his face he can reach. Sehun laughs, stopping Jongin with both hands on his face, before pulling Jongin close so he can kiss him properly. His chest explodes with sparks, and he melts into the kiss.
They part when Sehun starts coughing, and Jongin scrunches his nose up at the saliva spraying on his face. "Gross," he says, wiping it off.
Sehun laughs and nuzzles his face into Jongin's shoulder.
"Jongin," he says, muffled by Jongin's blazer. "I'm sorry."
Jongin's arm curls around his waist, the other hand stroking through his hair. "Why are you sorry?"
"Because I'm a mess," Sehun says, and his voice catches a little. "And you're perfect."
Jongin pulls back to look at Sehun, the hand in his hair tracing down to Sehun's cheek. Sehun leans into it instinctively, and sighs, content. Jongin's eyes are sad, though, and Sehun hates that he's hurt him again.
"Why do you say that?" Jongin asks.
Sehun laughs. "It's true, isn't it? I'm probably going to flunk out of high school, and you're going to get a basketball scholarship or something. I'm probably going to end up as one of those drugged out, homeless people -- "
"If you think I'm going to let you be a drugged out, homeless person, you're wrong," Jongin says, his voice gentle despite the stern tone. "And If you think I'm going to let you flunk out of high school, you're wrong, too."
Sehun chuckles. "This is exactly what I mean. You're too good to me."
"Of course I'm good to you, Sehunnie." Jongin shuffles so that he's sitting across from Sehun, hand still stroking Sehun's cheek. "You're good to me, too."
"I'm not," Sehun says. "You skipped basketball to see me, right? The old Jongin wouldn't do that."
Jongin cracks a smile at that. "I'd rather see you than Captain Yifan. Besides," he tilts his head, "I said you're good to me, not that you're good for me."
"I want to be both," Sehun says immediately, and it surprises himself.
Jongin blinks, too, then his grin widens, and Sehun feels something explode in his gut. "Okay," Jongin says. "But before that, you have to be good to yourself, Sehunnie."
"I don't know how," Sehun admits. He's been self-destructive for as long as he remembers.
Jongin nods, slowly. "That's why I'm here, right? To be good to you until you learn how."
"Why?" Sehun says. Jongin's brows furrow, and Sehun continues. "Why do you keep trying? Even Baekhyun-hyung's given up, and he's a stubborn little shit."
Jongin laughs a soft, airy chuckle that fills Sehun up from his toes. "Because you don't give up on me? Even though I get nervous about everything. Like class presentations. And trying out for basketball. And -- and dating a guy," Jongin laces his hand with Sehun's when he says that, giving him a squeeze. "And skipping practice," he adds, a hint of mischief in the curl of his grin.
"I don't think the last one's a good thing," Sehun grumbles, but he's smiling too, now.
Jongin shrugs. "What's life without having some fun, right?" He leans forward and kisses Sehun on the forehead.
Sehun loops an arm around Jongin's waist before he can pull back too far, and kisses him on the lips, sinking into Jongin and letting Jongin catch him.
Sehun returns to school three days later. It's not that big a mar on his record, but then he surprises everyone by turning up for every single lesson, and he even submits his math homework. Choi-seonsaengnim smiles at him for the first time Sehun's ever remembered.
Junmyeon stops Sehun in the hallway for his shoes.
"You know you have to wear black shoes, Sehun."
Sehun shrugs. Why did Jongin buy him bright red shoes?
"But," Junmyeon adds, "I heard that you didn't skip a single class today, so I'm going to let this go. Wear black shoes tomorrow."
"I don't own black shoes," Sehun says.
"Seriously," Junmyeon says. He looks more exasperated than angry, and Sehun smirks at that.
"Borrow from Jongin, or something," Junmyeon says. Before Sehun can leave, Junmyeon says, "I heard from him, by the way. I'm happy for you. Jongin's happy, too."
Sehun rolls his eyes and says, "Whatever," but there's lights dancing in his stomach when he walks away.
It's momentous when Sehun walks into a classroom Baekhyun is walking out of, and they gape at each other for a moment before breaking into twin grins.
"You sucker," Baekhyun says, pulling Sehun down to ruffle his head despite being half his height. "Where have you been? Actually in class for once?"
Sehun pries himself away from Baekhyun's arms. "Actually, I've been skipping class."
Baekhyun tsks. "Where were you hiding?"
"In bed," Sehun says. A pause. "Recovering."
"From?"
"Nicotine withdrawal."
Baekhyun blinks, then yells and tackles Sehun, ruffling his hair again with renewed enthusiasm. Sehun yelps and struggles in Baekhyun's grip.
"Stop it!" Sehun barely manages to gasp out. "Chanyeol's gonna get jealous!"
Baekhyun scoffs. "Oh please, that guy?" Baekhyun does relent, though, and Sehun quickly stands up to his full height so Baekhyun can't reach his neck again.
"Yea, that guy," Sehun says. "He's got feelings for you," he adds, wriggling his eyebrows.
"What," Baekhyun says, eyes widening in surprise.
Sehun grins, cheeky. "It's not love, but it's definitely a feeling. He told me so."
Baekhyun frowns. "Why is he telling you stuff like this?"
Sehun shrugs. "Apparently, because you two won't tell each other."
Baekhyun glares at Sehun, then viciously jabs a finger into Sehun's side. Sehun nearly screams. "Well, we're not even dating, so. Whereas some other couple has been very much in love and won't tell each other."
Sehun flushes, glancing around to see if anyone heard. "Shut up," he grumbles.
Baekhyun laughs. "Go for chemistry. I can't believe you're so whipped you're going for chemistry."
Sehun ducks into the classroom, mostly to get away from Baekhyun.
Baekhyun's right, though. Chemistry is a chore. He spends most of it playing Stack under his table and sending Jongin random text messages, but he writes like, one or two chemistry-sounding words onto a piece of paper. It's an improvement, he thinks. Jongin texts him back to pay attention!!!, that hypocrite, then adds that he's in the classroom across the floor from Sehun.
Sehun catches him in the hallway, and loops an arm around his waist, casually dropping a kiss onto his temple. Jongin grins at him quickly, before turning back to Chanyeol.
"There's basketball prac after school today, are you coming?"
Sehun pouts at not getting Jongin's full attention, and starts jabbing Jongin in the side where he knows he's ticklish. Jongin elbows Sehun back, and he whines a little.
He hears Chanyeol call, "See you, Sehun," and he replies with, "Bye, hyung."
He looks up, and Jongin and Chanyeol are both staring at him, shock all over their faces.
"Did you just -- " Jongin begins.
"I didn't say anything," Sehun grumbles and pulls him away.
Jongin laughs. "What was that?"
"Nothing," Sehun grumbles. "Hey, do you have an extra pair of black shoes?"
Jongin raises an eyebrow. "Okay, now this is really weird."
"Shut up and buy me shit, Jongin."
It's still bad. Sehun bites his nails until there's nothing left to bite, then he starts chewing on his pencils instead. He doesn't have food at home, so he goes to Jongin's and raids his pantry. Jongin tells him his mother was livid when she found out he cleared out half a jar of kimchi.
"Kimchi," Jongin says, bewildered. "Seriously?"
"I think I developed an oral fixation," he says. "Hey, want me to suck you off?"
Jongin shoves him off the bed.
He can't sleep at night, so he sends Jongin stupid text messages, and then feels guilty when he wakes Jongin up. He gets headaches so bad he skips classes, except he goes to the nurse's office this time. When Jongin buys him congratulatory bubble tea, he nearly throws up.
"You love bubble tea," Jongin says, accusatory.
"Since when did it taste so much?" Sehun says, face screwing up. "It's so sweet."
Jongin sighs. "This is why normal people get it with half sugar." He nudges his taro bubble tea across the table. "Here, you can have mine."
But the good is better than the bad. The urges slowly go away, and breathing gets easier, and the anxiety peaks, then ebbs.
Also, Jongin smells so good. Sehun is overwhelmed the first time he nuzzles into Jongin, then he's obsessed.
"You're being really weird," Jongin says, because they're in the middle of the canteen and Sehun's plastered to his neck.
"Yea," Baekhyun says, sliding into the seat opposite Sehun. "Are you getting hard?"
Baekhyun yelps when both Jongin and Sehun kick him.
"Well," Chanyeol says, sitting down next to Baekhyun. "I think the Jongin addiction's an upgrade from the nicotine."
Sehun flushes, and presses his face further into Jongin's neck.
Sehun's taking the laundry out of the washing machine when his mother calls his name. Her voice is as soft as Sehun remembers.
It's been a long time, and it takes a while for Sehun to decide to turn back to her. She's smiling. Jongin's right, she's put on weight, and there's colour in her cheeks and less gray under her eyes. Sehun's grip tightens around the basket.
"Thank you," is all she says.
Sehun just nods, and goes back to trying to untangle the bedsheets from the rest of the clothes. A puff of lavender-scented air escapes when he manages to yank it all out. He finally gets everything out, and he turns to face his mother.
She's biting her lip, unsure, one hand on the door and the other tight around the hem of her shirt.
Sehun could resent her. Sehun did resent her. But everyone needs some help fighting their demons.
"I did what I could," he says, but the indifference doesn't make it into his voice and it's thick with emotion.
She smiles again, and Sehun can see it in her eyes. Involuntarily, the corners of his lips turn up.
"Let me help with that," she says, stepping forward. Sehun shakes his head.
"It's okay, I got it."
She nods, a little unsure.
Sehun gulps, then says, "Help me with dinner? Hyung always says my jap chae isn't as good as yours."
Sehun's grin is a reflection of hers.
One month clean. Sehun thinks he has the world in his hands.
He's holding Jongin's hand, so maybe he does.
"Jongin," Sehun says, squeezing. Jongin hums and lolls his head over so he can look at Sehun. "Thanks."
Jongin smiles, and there are fireworks in Sehun's chest. "What for?"
"Everything," Sehun says, sincere. But most especially, "For not giving up on me."
Jongin squeezes back, and rolls over so he can kiss Sehun. Sehun's head is so, so clear, and he pulls back because he needs to tell Jongin.
"Hey," he says, hand reaching up to stroke Jongin's cheek. "I love you."
Jongin's face lights up, and Sehun's does, too. "I know. I love you too."
Warmth billows up in Sehun's lungs.