Chapter Text
EVERY YEAR AROUND the same time for the past five years - specifically since the one year anniversary of when Virgil Storm managed to escape his incredibly controlling toxic ex whom he'd only started dating to piss off his homophobic parents and which occurred almost exactly six months after Roman Raine had broken up with his latest in a string of spontaneous romantic relationships that never went anywhere and always ended with Roman more relieved than upset - their long-time friend from high school, Patton Bowman, got That Look. Specifically, without fail, the moment that the town's Yellow Daisy Festival rolled around, he would get it into his head that he needed to help his perpetually single best friends "find their soulmates". And thus began the yearly attempts to set Roman and Virgil both up on blind dates— though never with each other. Patton had at least managed to absorb Virgil's complete distaste for "overly mushy romantic crap", which Roman excelled at engaging in, and while he had needed his brother, Logan, and Logan's husband, Roman's twin Remus, helping Roman to explain, Patton did understand what "sex-repulsed asexual" meant.
Unfortunately, he did not understand the term "aromantic", or see how it could possibly apply to his friends.
"You're just gun-shy after such a traumatic experience with Drake," he told Virgil over and over. "You're still going to your therapy appointments, right? It's only a matter of time before you're emotionally recovered from that whole mess."
"Being a romantic is practically your whole personality!" he exclaimed to Roman, gesturing at the walls of his room with all the romcom posters and his bookshelf full of poetry and romances of all types. "Don't you want someone you can be your truest, most romantic self with?"
"You can't let a few bad experiences put you off dating forever," he told them both over and over. "The only way you're going to really get over the memories of those bad experiences is to get back out there and make new, better memories! Come on, please? I just want you to find true love and be happy like you deserve!"
And that was what made them both cave, every time. Year after year, despite attempting to argue, they succumbed to Patton's lethal puppy eyes and pleading and the fact that he really did mean well and want them to be happy... he just had a horrific blind spot when it came to recognizing that maybe Roman and Virgil's respective happiness didn't involve a permanent romantic life partner. Logan, bless his heart, was just as helpless against his brother's puppy eyes and enthusiasm, and every year he was convinced to help Patton find a new crop of candidates that could be his friends' "perfect match". He refused to do any more than that, at least, if only to keep his own husband happy; year after year, Remus would give his token warning that all of Patton's efforts would be in vain and he would have far more success focusing on his own love life, but year after year Patton determinedly insisted that this year would be different and Remus sighed and settled in to watch the inevitable train wreck.
All of this came pouring out of both Roman and Virgil as the pair of them slumped against the counter of their favorite cafe. The barista, whose nametag said "Dee" even though both of them knew after four years of close association that it wasn't actually his name, listened patiently as his friends poured out their woes while he made their drinks. (Decaf Raspberry Mocha Latte for Virgil, Cinnamon Caramel Macchiato for Roman.) As Roman finished up the tale with the dramatic lament of how Patton was once again gearing up to begin his Campaign of Courtships, Janus d'Ruse hummed.
"If he's been so willfully oblivious this whole time, you really only have two choices," he said, looking back and forth between the pair. "Either you fake getting married to each other, or you fake having a boyfriend-slash-partner. Actually, the two of you sharing the same partner would probably work better."
"How do you figure?" Virgil asked skeptically. "I mean, we did talk about just dating each other back when Patton first started doing this, but I'd never wanna put Ro through my itchy periods or the appearance of cheating on him when I get help scratching it."
"Just as I would never wish to put my dear emo nightmare through the horrors of having to endure unwanted romantic gestures just to convince Patton of our supposed love for all the ages," Roman added, spreading his hands helplessly. "About the only thing we could agree on was not minding kissing, but even then we have starkly differing preferences."
"And that," Janus said with a slight smile, "is exactly why the two of you faking a relationship with the same person would work brilliantly. Obviously, the person would need to be read in on your respective preferences and be respectful of both your boundaries, but having a person who could accept romantic gestures and behaviors from Roman without returning them or attempting to initiate them with Virgil would be an excellent bridge between the two of you."
"You sound like you have someone in mind," Roman said slowly, frowning. "And like this is not a new idea you've only just come up with."
"I may have had the thought once or twice in the past," Janus admitted with a faint grimace. "Never more than a brief thought considering what sort of undesirable consequences suggesting it might have had, but under the circumstances..."
"Who?" Virgil asked, his own eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"Me," Janus sighed, holding up a hand when Virgil and Roman both immediately opened their mouths. "Hear me out on my reasoning first?"
"We're listening," Roman said when Virgil just huffed.
"Lovely," Janus rolled his eyes, already regretting even opening his mouth. "Firstly, I think we can all agree that I am duly read in on your respective preferences and particular flavors of being aroace. Virgil is romance-repulsed demisexual while Roman is sex-repulsed asexual and aegoromantic."
"And bellusromantic, since I do enjoy acting the part of a doting romantic paramour even if the feelings themselves elude me," Roman added as Virgil gave a reluctant nod to show Janus was correct.
"I, myself, am somewhere between cupioromantic and bellusromantic," Janus continued with a nod to Roman. "No romantic feelings whatsoever, but I do love the attention from having a romantic partner. Which brings me to my next point, though it is really more of a question." He turned to Virgil, who froze as if pinned by a police spotlight. "I apologize for asking since I did promise never to do so, but... in the last three-and-a-half years since our first coupling to scratch that persistent itch of yours, have you been with anyone else besides me?"
"No," Virgil admitted, grimacing and looking down at the counter. "No, you're the only one I've even come close to trusting enough for... itch-scratching. I made you promise not to ask if I was ever with anyone else because I didn't want, y'know, feelings shit getting involved."
"I gathered as much," Janus murmured. "And I assure you, any feelings I may or may not have developed regarding you would be solely those of a dear friend."
"Well, that rather handily covers your connection to Virgil," Roman pointed out, "but what about us? You and me, I mean."
"Have you or have you not been bringing me your romantic poetry and various bits of script dialogue for authenticity review for the last four years?" Janus asked, eyebrows raised. "It only counts if we say it counts, but do we really have a reason not to? I even have a journal where you've transcribed the poems I like best for me to keep since you haven't published any of them."
"He's got ya there, Ro," Virgil hummed, scratching a little at the stubble on his jaw. "What would you be getting out of this whole thing, though?"
"You mean besides the appearance of publicly having two incredibly attractive young men who both have interesting and engaging personalities as my partners?" Janus deadpanned, gesturing between the two, who blushed. "As I said, I like the attention that comes with being in a relationship, both from my partner - or partners, in our case - and from people around me who would be quite jealous of my good fortune or congratulate me on my excellent catch."
"And?" Roman prompted when Janus stopped himself from continuing, shrewd eyes reading the signs of a further reason he was holding back. When Janus hesitated a moment longer, he added, "Cards on the table if we're really thinking of doing this fake dating thing."
"The 'fake' part would be why I intended not to mention the rest," Janus sighed. "But fine. In the interest of transparency of motives, if we decided to eventually dispense with the fabricated aspect and make the arrangement permanent, the two of you could get married through simple courthouse paperwork without requiring a ceremony. At that point, I would likely have moved in with you both and out of the college dorms I still stay in to avoid having to ask my parents for financial assistance, and I would then change my own surname to match whatever name or configuration you choose, thus firmly severing myself from any ties to my own unsupportive blood relations."
Silence descended on their little group, punctuated by the milk steamer cutting out. Janus poured the steamed milk into the cup of coffee, chocolate, and raspberry syrup and mixed it all together. He put the lid on top of it and set the newly completed drinks down on the counter for them, turning away to see if there was anything else he needed to be doing, any customers who might have snuck in and uncharacteristically waited patiently for attention or a fresh load of dishes in the return bin which would need washing—
A hand snapped out and caught his wrist. Janus froze. Swallowed. Risked a glance back... and stared. He had thought perhaps Roman had been the one to reach for him, being the one most prone to dramatic gestures, but that was Virgil's pale hand with black hoodie sleeve and chipped purple nail polish. Roman's darker tan topped by his red and white beaded bracelets entered his field of view to catch hold of Janus's own hand beneath Virgil's grip and tug lightly.
"Do you have a preference on our eventual surname as well?" Roman asked softly, squeezing Janus's hand.
Janus shrugged the shoulder not attached to the arm with the hand they were holding, still not quite able to bring himself to look up any further past their hands at all. "You must admit, the option for hyphenating to Raine-Storm is right there...."
"Yeah, that's why Remus chose to hyphenate his last name when he and Logan got married," Virgil murmured, too quiet to fully invoke his usual snark. "Couldn't resist the chance to call himself 'Rainbow Man', even though it drives L nuts when he does." He paused, then added even more quietly. "Thought about it once or twice, huh?"
"The risk of potentially losing the two of you as friends while also somehow destroying your friendship with each other never outweighed the benefits of making the suggestion," Janus muttered with another half-shrug. "I intended to change my surname to something else once I turned thirty and gained control of my trust fund anyway, though that would mean I graduate college and law school with the weight of their name and expectations around my neck. My alternative plan there was to find someone at college who would be amenable to faking a marriage with me for their financial aid packet."
"So doing this for us would just be moving up your time table, in addition to getting to reap the benefits of all that attention you love without the mess of risking getting involved with someone else's mushy feelings," Virgil surmised. Janus tried not to shiver at the way Virgil's thumb was absently stroking along the veins of the inside of his wrist. "I can respect that. Dunno how much you'd like living with me and Ro, though."
"We only have two bedrooms," Roman pointed out, though he sounded more thoughtful than discouraging. "Virgil refuses to sleep with anyone else in the room for mental health reasons, so you would be sharing with me. I don't mind sharing a bed to sleep, but I'm not the most congenial person first thing in the morning."
"I have to be up early for class and work most mornings," Janus offered carefully, wondering a little that Roman hadn't even mentioned the possibility of Janus being relegated to sleeping on their couch. "If you're not a particularly light sleeper then it's entirely possible that I'd be gone for the day before you wake."
"Ro sleeps like the dead, so you're safe there," Virgil hummed, brows furrowing a little in thought. "My own sleep schedule's a shitshow at the best of times, so I may or may not be up before you on any given day... You cool with being the one to start the coffee pot if you're up first?"
"Oh no, doing my job with significantly less complicated equipment before I even clock in for the day," Janus drawled, finally managing to look up enough to roll his eyes at Virgil, who smirked back.
"There's our favorite snarky bitch," Roman teased gently, sending a little skitter of happiness through Janus. So sue him, he liked the idea that he was their favorite! "How soon do you want to move in? You're halfway through the semester, right?"
"Right," Janus frowned, thinking. "It would probably be a good idea to have a trial run of our living together before I actually move in, get a feel for how we do as roommates and let you both get used to having me around and in your spaces before committing to the move."
"We should do it soon, too," Virgil pointed out. "I remember how bad finals were for me, and the last thing you need would be a massive upheaval of trying to move while trying to study."
"Perhaps a few days of consecutive overnights, like a rolling sleepover, to test the waters?" Roman suggested. "You could bring over a bag tonight and we could discuss housekeeping and the dinner rotation... can you cook at all?"
"I know how to use a microwave and a hot plate to great effect," Janus deadpanned. "You may need to teach me a few things I never previously had the opportunity to learn, like how the oven and stove work in a non-industrial setting, but I'm willing to be taught. I'll come by around eight so we can discuss things further," he added as the bell jangled with the entrance of a customer. Virgil nodded and released his wrist, and Roman seized the opportunity to lift Janus's hand to his lips in a brief kiss that sent a zip up Janus's spine before the pair retreated to one of the tables and Janus approached the till with a professional smile. "Good afternoon, what can I get started for you?"
IT WAS TWO minutes past eight when Janus knocked on the door of Roman and Virgil's apartment, his school satchel over one shoulder and the strap of a thrifted and patched duffle bag over the other. He hadn't bothered changing out of his work uniform since he would have to have it for tomorrow, nor had he bothered to primp at all. His friends had seen him at his best and his worst several times before and he was frankly too tired to try and impress anyone tonight.
The door opened and a pale hand holding a key was thrust into Janus's face. He blinked and took the key on autopilot while looking past it to Virgil, eyebrows up. Virgil visibly relaxed and stepped to the side, gesturing him in.
"You need a key for this place even if you end up deciding you don't wanna live with us," he said by way of explanation.
"You say that like you don't think it would be you and Roman deciding you don't want to live with me," Janus said unthinkingly as he stepped into the apartment.
"You know me and my issues," Virgil pointed out, which... fair. Virgil was practically a gold medal champion overthinker, and it had been six hours since their conversation in the cafe. Virgil would have been turning the possibilities over and over in his head from the moment Janus had even suggested he and Roman pretend to date him to get their friend off their backs. "If you were gonna do any of the things that would make it impossible for me to live with you, you'd have done them already, and Ro's less of a neurotic head case than me— hey!"
"I already refuse to let you speak ill of yourself as your friend and occasional itch-scratcher," Janus informed him primly as Virgil rubbed his ear where Janus had pinched it. "I am not about to start slacking on that as your potential domestic partner."
"Well said!" Roman called from the kitchen, and Janus heard the clink of ice in glass. "I am always happy to have additional support in bullying Virgil into better mental health!"
"Pretty sure it's not supposed to work like that," Virgil grumbled as he led Janus past the kitchen and towards the living room.
"And for people who aren't you, it probably wouldn't," Janus agreed, pausing as Roman leaned out of the kitchen and passed him a glass of ginger ale with a kiss to his cheekbone. He was a little better prepared for the skitter of fire that spread from that point of contact and managed an evenly murmured "thank you" for the drink before continuing after Virgil. "You, however, have been conditioned in the past to distrust outright compliments and positive reassurances as manipulation, which leads you to either dismiss the compliment or assume the opposite. And that conditioning is not your fault, as you were just trying to survive in a toxic environment."
Janus may have made half a dozen potential plans over the years to track down Drake Hexen and murder him, but he wasn't about to admit that to Virgil lest his friend work himself into an anxiety attack over it. He wondered if Roman might be willing to act as an alibi for him, but dismissed the thought for now. He could bring it up sometime when Virgil was elsewhere.
"I suspect, from your description of him, that your close association with Patton had helped some in your recovery from that time," he continued out loud as Virgil flopped down onto the couch and pulled Janus down to sit next to him. "From everything you and Roman have told me, he seems to be one of those rare, genuinely kind people who is simply nice without ulterior motive. However..."
"However, it's that genuine kindness and niceness that makes it so damn frustrating when he pulls this matchmaking shit," Virgil finished with a groan. "I know. It's worse when he gets discouraged and starts crying because we said no, and the fact that he's not doing it to be manipulative makes it really hard to brush off or ignore. He just... really wants to see me and Ro find someone and be happy."
"I believe the appropriate meme here is, 'he a little confused, but he got the spirit'," Janus said, smiling when Virgil chuckled. The smile fell as he added, "We should probably discuss the official logistics of how and when we all became involved. If the goal is to avoid Patton's tears, there should probably be a good reason why neither of you would have mentioned having a partner before, much less the fact that you're sharing one."
"Why not use our actual history for us?" Virgil asked, gesturing between them. "We became friends, I got attached to you enough to start developing feelings - horny ones, not mushy ones - and we started hooking up. Pat already thinks my avoiding dating is just 'cause I'm wary about commitment after Drake, so us not putting a ring on it metaphorically or literally until now would probably pass inspection. And I wouldn't have brought you up to Pat until we decided to make it official 'cause he would get way too excited about me 'finding true love' or whatever and I didn't wanna jinx it."
"Plausible," Janus conceded. "On my part, I would have been keeping any potential relationships quiet so as not to have it get back to my parents, at least until my twenty-fifth birthday, which was—"
"Three weeks ago," Virgil nodded. "We took you out for celebratory drinks and cake, and I blew you in the bathroom, which pretty well covers us for history from start to coming out. For Ro... uh, when was the first time he recited poetry to you?"
"His own, or someone else's?" Janus asked, thinking back. "Because he recited Shakespeare's sonnet twenty-three to me the first time I made him his coffee order before he actually ordered it, but he only started reciting his own poetry to me about a week and a half after the first time you and I hooked up."
"Even better," Virgil hummed. "Since we're doing the poly thing, obviously Ro would have wanted to talk to me first before going all 'full romantic courtship' on the guy I'm hooking up with, make sure it wasn't gonna weird me out to see him being mushy with you. Which, for the record, so long as neither of you are acting that way towards me or calling me any ooey-gooey pet names, we're cool."
"Sticking to our usual sarcastic banter and friendly insult nicknames for you, not to fret," Janus assured him as Roman entered the living room with a mug of tea that he handed off to Virgil and another glass of ginger ale for himself. Janus hesitated, but Virgil just tugged him over closer to make room on the other side for Roman to sit, leaving him sandwiched surprisingly comfortably between them. "Boundaries?"
"The stuff we already do, obviously, though one difference would be that I can probably handle kissing you when we're not headed for a bed," Virgil said after a moment. "And cuddling's fine, too, since it's not an automatically mushy thing so much as a comfortably tactile thing, and it's helping fight your touch starvation."
"Rude," Janus huffed, trying not to blush as Roman's arm settled along the back of the couch just shy of wrapping around his shoulders. It might be true, and he wasn't admitting it if it was, but that didn't mean Virgil could just come out and say it like that!
"Yeah, yeah, you know my issues, I know yours," Virgil snorted, nudging Janus's shoulder with his own. "Get cared for, bitch."
"I am also fine with hugs and cuddling, particularly when it gets colder," Roman chimed in, shifting to tuck one leg up beneath him so that his knee pressed firmly against the side of Janus's leg. "For kissing, I would prefer to keep things chaste, hand or cheek or closed lips only. As for... other things... I am aware that sharing a bed will likely cause us to become aware of each other and certain natural physical responses, and while I would prefer you ignore any such reactions from me nor ask me to participate in relieving yours, I will not insist that you only look at me respectfully any more than I would expect Virgil not to look when I get out of the shower."
"Really?" Janus blinked, glancing at Virgil to check that this wasn't new information.
"He likes hearing about fantasies sometimes so long as they don't get too graphic," Virgil confirmed with a nod. "Makes for good writing inspiration, in addition to the ego boost he gets knowing we find him attractive."
"Imaginary me can have all the sexy adventures in your heads that you want," Roman said loftily. "So long as no one expects me to act them out any further than you'd see in a production of Heathers, if I can read about it in one of my romance novels, I can handle hearing about it."
"Fair enough," Janus said. Theatre and romance novels probably had desensitized Roman to the discomfort of sexual content at least somewhat. He still made a mental note to confine any stress relief to the shower. Speaking of... "Logistics of cohabitation next? Specifically, I prefer to shower in the evening before bed so I have less to deal with getting ready in the mornings."
"Roman showers in the late morning after he wakes up," Virgil hummed. "I'm not fussed about when I shower usually except for..."
"Directly after itch-scratching," Janus filled in, nodding. "As per our usual arrangement, you can feel free to join me in the shower or not as you prefer. Clothing storage?"
"My closet, and we can go pick up a second dresser for you when you have free time tomorrow," Roman answered. "Virgil has graciously allowed me to store my more elaborate outfits in his closet to make room for you. Our usual laundry day is Saturday, and Virgil has laid sole claim to that particular household chore with a vengeance."
"It's a fair deal for you doing the vacuuming," Virgil muttered, hunching in on himself a little. "Plus the last thing we need is a repeat of the Pink Prince Predicament."
"That sweater was not nearly as dye-fast as one would have expected from the price!" Roman huffed indignantly as Janus dared to pat Virgil on the knee.
"Well, since you both have laid claim to your respective chore domains, I shall take over the dishes as mine," he offered. "On a related note, you mentioned a cooking rotation..."
"Subject to our respective schedules," Roman explained. "Usually whomever is either home first or has the lightest workload for the day will claim dinner duty. Breakfast is somewhat of a 'fend for yourself' affair, though Virgil tends to pack lunches for the both of us."
"Because you'd skip breakfast entirely and maybe remember to grab a granola bar as your only meal until dinner if I didn't," Virgil groused. "And it'll be easy enough to expand to making three lunches instead of two, just let me know if there's anything in particular you absolutely hate."
"Egg salad," Janus said promptly with a shudder. "It's a texture thing. I'm also not a fan of hummus or avocados outside of sushi."
"Noted," Virgil said. "Anything else we need to cover tonight? Did you eat dinner before you came?"
"Yes, I ate dinner," Janus lied, only for his stomach to betray him by growling audibly. He glared down at his midsection balefully, unfortunately not missing the look Roman and Virgil exchanged over his head.
"Well, tonight was my turn to cook," Roman said as he shifted his leg down in preparation for getting up. "I made enchiladas and we still have some left over if you're interested."
Janus's stomach answered for him with an even louder growl of hunger, and he hung his head. "Yes, please."
"I'll get some warmed up for you, sweetheart," Roman said, pausing when Janus made a face. "No?"
"Not 'sweetheart'," Janus clarified, grimacing. "Mother calls me that when she wants something. And she calls father 'dear' or 'darling'."
"Fair," Roman echoed his grimace. "None of those, then. Is 'dearheart' acceptable?"
"I'll allow it," Janus said after a moment to see how he felt about it. "Perhaps stick to non-traditional endearments. Use that vaunted creativity of yours, hm?"
"I'll give it some thought," Roman promised and dropped a kiss on the curve of Janus's cheekbone before getting up and heading for the kitchen, taking his and Janus's emptied ginger ale glasses with him.
"Hey," Virgil murmured, setting his tea mug on the coffee table and turning to tug Janus close against his chest, arms going around him in a loose hug. "Wanna tell me why you didn't want us to know you hadn't eaten yet?"
"Not really," Janus muttered back, sighing when Virgil's arms squeezed him gently. "Let's not pretend we don't both know how much I will be benefitting from this arrangement. I did notice that neither of you have mentioned what I should expect to be contributing to rent, utilities, the grocery budget... As pathetic as my job is, I do have one, and I would prefer not to be an outright mooch."
"Okay, point one, your job is not pathetic," Virgil told him, tapping his chest lightly with one finger. "It's a service job that you're drastically overqualified for, but it's also working around your classes, which, point two, you're still in school and will be for, what, another three years?"
"Two and a half," Janus mumbled. "Accelerated course load, which is why I haven't yet tried to find at least an entry-level job as a paralegal yet because I have hardly enough room for my current part time hours. And after I graduate I would need to pass the bar exam and whore myself out to whatever law firm will take me on. Figuratively, I hope."
"Any firm that wants you to do it literally is not a firm you need to sign on with," Virgil muttered back. "For what it's worth, I get it. I argued with Ro for weeks about the fact that he refused to let me pay rent despite putting my name on the lease with his when we got this place, even though I was fresh out of a bad breakup, sleeping in my car, and unemployed. I hated the thought that I was taking advantage of him, loathed it. You know what that infuriatingly noble idiot did? He threatened to start paying me to live here if it was the only way I would accept him giving me a safe space away from my dad and my ex and everyone who hurt me."
"Infuriating," Janus agreed, hating himself a little that he himself might actually have taken Roman up on that threat if he had been in Virgil's situation. Virgil's arms tightened around him again in a squeeze and Janus felt his chin come to rest on the top of Janus's head.
"It's the first night of a trial run for how well we can all handle living together," Virgil reminded him. "Give yourself a bit of breathing room and save up your arguments for how you want to be contributing to the household beyond doing dishes and taking a turn cooking now and then once we know your official leaving the dorms move-in day."
"Estimate," Janus directed.
"Ro thinks we'll be moving you in by the end of next week," Virgil answered. "I said you'd probably be convinced by Sunday but would think it's too soon to say so."
"You could both still decide that our friendship works better without cohabiting," Janus pointed out. "And, as you noted, I have finals coming up and will likely become significantly less pleasant and helpful as I am consumed by my studies."
"Been there," Virgil snorted softly. "Between you and me? Getting you moved in before finals means having you where we can make sure you're still eating and sleeping and staying hydrated while studying."
"This is payback for every time I told your anxiety-riddled and sleep-deprived ass to take a nap and consume something besides coffee during your senior year, isn't it?" Janus grumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up when Virgil just chuckled darkly near his ear.
"Get cared for, bitch," Virgil repeated in a smugly self-satisfied tone. "You're ours now, no take-backsies."
"Did I just beat you to posing the suggestion of fake dating this afternoon?" Janus wondered suspiciously as Roman came out of the kitchen carrying a plate that smelled strongly of tomatoes and chicken and peppers.
"And improved upon it by suggesting a poly arrangement instead of requiring you to choose between us," Roman said as he presented the plate and a fork to Janus with a flourish. "We had several very convincing arguments prepared for why you should agree with our proposal."
"I am insisting on you two having a summer wedding date even if it's just going to be the three of us signing papers at the courthouse."
"Shut up and eat your enchiladas."