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“Abuela, por qué soñamos?” (Grandmother, why do we dream?)
“Para escapar, mi amor.” (To escape, my love.)
-
Lance’s eyes flutter open as he sits up in bed. It takes him a while to remember where he is but looking around, he recognizes the stale, white walls of his room.
Getting up, Lance crouches down to look for the box under his bed. Extending his hand blindly, he feels around for it. His breath hitches as his hand comes in contact with the box. Pulling it out and gently sitting on his bed, Lance lets out an unsteady breath. Looking at the blank walls, Lance tries to even out his breathing.
Taking a deep breath, Lance carefully opens the box.
Inside the box lies a single wallet cushioned by stacks of letter. Lance gingerly takes out the wallet and opens it up. He comes face to face with his family picture, or more accurately his complete family picture. Not only were his papá, mamá, hermanos, y hermanas there, his abuela, tías, tíos, primos, sobrinos y sobrinas were in the picture as well. [1] Bringing the picture close to his chest, Lance feels his heart drop, almost as if his entire family had entered it.
Lance missed his family. In a house of twelve people, noise was ever-present. Here, on a ship with only six other people and a handful of mice, it seemed like silence was almost never ending. Everyone mostly keeps to themselves.
Keith stays in the training deck, battling until every bone in his body aches and cries out for rest.
Shiro, along with Allura, plans battle strategies and training programs to optimize the strengths of the team and to overcome their weaknesses.
Pidge silently tinkers around wherever they can find a place to work, whether it is in the control room, dining hall, or in their room.
Hunk experiments with the green food goo or with other exotic ingredients that he can find.
Coran cleans the castle and checks to see if all systems are working and up to date, a task which takes a very long time because of the wide expanse of the castle.
And then there’s Lance.
Lance, who has nothing to do but drown in his own thoughts.
Gazing at the picture, Lance looks for himself. His eyes immediately graze the edges of the picture, landing on a lanky, tall, and somewhat awkward boy who had placed an arm around his abuela. There, Lance stands on the outskirts of his family.
His heart aches. It feels as if it’s turning itself inside out from the pain.
Lance remembers his place in the family. The middle and forgotten child. The only one who ever remembered him was his abuela. The only reason his parents even remembered his name was because he became a fighter pilot. And, that wasn't an achievement he could claim for himself. He only became one because of Keith.
But, even if he did his best to be a fighter pilot, he was always berated about how he was not good enough. He was always patronizingly asked why he was there and not the best fighter pilot.
It seemed like even at the top, Lance would always be seen as belonging to the bottom.
And the only one would’ve been proud of him wasn’t around anymore.
Something wet slides down his cheek. Lance brings a hand up to it and realizes he’s crying. He hadn’t realized how painful looking back at the past was.
He thought it would bring him a happiness but instead it brought him pain. Maybe , Lance thinks, he was destined for pain.
He just wanted to escape the silence.
He just wanted to be bombarded with sound.
He didn't want to be trapped in his head.
He just wanted to talk and talk and talk with someone until he couldn't remember how the voices in his head sounded like.
An alarm suddenly goes off.
“Paladins get to your hangars, a galra fleet is approaching.”
-
Stepping into the control room, the exhausted paladins collapse onto the couches in silence.
“Guys,” Lance says as he breaks the silence. “That was awesome . Did you see how many ships there were? And we took down all of them. And did you see me? Did you see -”
“Lance,” Shiro cuts in. “What you did was very reckless. You could've gotten yourself killed. I told you to wait for backup yet you deliberately ignored my order and proceeded to charge at the galra ships. If we hadn't gotten to you in time you might not even be here.”
Shiro gives Lance a stern look. Lance holds it for a few second then breaks his gaze away. Looking at the ground, Lance feels tears edge at his eyes. No , he tells himself. He will not cry in front of them.
Lance discreetly wipes away the forming tears, but he cannot wipe away the aching in his heart.
It seemed like whatever good Lance did, he always messed it up.
Putting on a fake smile, Lance decides to keep the conversation going. He cannot let himself drown in his thoughts here. He just can't stand the silence.
Looking around, he looks for someone who will hold a conversation with him. With his eyes landing on Keith, Lance then remarks, “Anyway… Did you see Keith almost wipe out? I mean come on Keith, your lion is the most agile and swift out of all the other lions. How did you not see the beam heading your way?”
Sending Lance glare, Keith angrily retorts, “I wouldn't have almost been hit if I didn't have to save your sorry ass.”
Those words sting. Lance holds back a flinch. They hit too close to home.
Taking in a breath, Lance then remarks, “Are you sure it isn't your fault. I mean, haven't your training sessions been helping you? Or were they just useless?”
“Listen Lance,” Keith almost sneers. “What I'm doing in the training deck is helping me be a better paladin. I'm trying to contribute to my team and help them stay alive. Why do you learn to do that.”
Standing up abruptly, Keith storms out of the control room, most likely heading towards the training deck.
Lance and the other paladins are left in silence.
Allura suddenly appears from one of the door leading out of the room.
“Shiro,” She calls out. “Please come with me. We must update our battle strategies. I see more ways to optimize Keith’s lion’s agility, Hunk’s lion’s large build, and Pidge’s lion’s invisibility.
“Sure,” Shiro replies. He then gets up and leaves the room, shooting Lance an odd look before he disappears.
Hunk says he’s going to check on lunch and leaves.
Pidge silently walks out of the room as well, probably off to look for something to tinker with.
Five paladins are down to one, just like it usually is.
Silence bombards Lance. He sits in the control room, forgotten and alone with silent tears sliding down his face.
-
This is bad , Lance thinks to himself. This is really bad. The other four paladins were too preoccupied to reach him.
Keith and Shiro were battling a large swarm of galra ships on the far right. Pidge and Hunk were battling a handful of them in the middle.
And Lance, well Lance was on the very left, battling ten galra ships alone. He was slowly being surrounded. In the horizon, he can see more heading his way.
“Guys,” Lance desperately calls out into his comm. “I need a little backup here.”
“We’re kind of busy too Lance,” Keith replies. Three other voices agree with him.
“Okay.”
Steeling himself, Lance takes a deep breath and focuses. He takes down one, two, three, four, and five ships. Blue has been hit several times but the damage isn't too severe. He can still keep going. Moving a bit backwards to give himself time to breathe, he braces himself to take more hits. He can do this. Only five more left.
Blue takes several more hits but Lance takes down three galra ships. With adrenaline rushing through his veins, he charges at the ninth ship. Taking it down, he cries in victory.
Turning to face the last ship, Lance is then engulfed in light.
Four voices scream his name but all he can see is white which then cuts to black.
When Lance’s vision clears, in front of him is a sight he thought he would never see again.
“Abuela is that you? What are you doing here?” Lance gazes at his abuela in awe and shock. He quickly runs to her, wrapping his arms around her small frame.
“How have you been, mi amor?” She asks Lance.
“Abuela,” He replies. “I've been so lonely without you. It’s been so long since I’ve last seen you, I’m so sorry.”
“Mi amor, it wasn't your fault,” She tells Lance. “You were at the academy making us – me – proud. None of your siblings have ever gone to the Garrison before. Finally, a McClain worthy enough has joined the Garrison.”
Looking up at Lance, his abuela gently cradled the boy close to her chest.
Feeling the warm embrace he had craved for so long, Lance couldn't help but cry.
“It’s okay,” Lance’s abuela soothingly say. “It's okay, mi amor. I'm here now. You’re safe with me. You’ve fought for so long, it’s time you rested.”
Letting go of Lance to sit down on the ground, she then pulls him into his lap. Rubbing a hand down his back, she softly sings [2] to him.
Arrorró mi niño,
arrorró mi sol,
arrorró pedazo,
de mi corazón.
Este niño lindo
ya quiere dormir;
háganle la cuna
de rosa y jazmín.
Lance recognizes the familiar tune. He remembers hearing it on nights where he couldn’t sleep. The comforting singing of his abuela would always put him at ease.
Háganle la cama
en el toronjil,
y en la cabecera
pónganle un jazmín
que con su fragancia
me lo haga dormir.
Arrorró mi niño,
arrorró mi sol,
arrorró pedazo,
de mi corazón.
Still clinging onto his abuela’s chest, he cries out of sorrow. Sorrow because the weight of the world has been too much for his fragile shoulders. His body is weak from trying to catch up to expectations he could never reach. His mind is weak from fighting against those intrusive thoughts of never being good enough.
Esta leche linda
que le traigo aquí,
es para este niño
que se va a dormir.
Arrorró mi niño,
arrorró mi sol,
arrorró pedazo,
de mi corazón.
But, he also cries out of joy. The joy of being in the warm embrace of home. His weary body can finally rest easy, knowing that it has returned home. His mind can finally rest because the light from his home breaks through the darkness and destroys it. Here, in his abuela’s arms, he has nothing to fear. Here he can breathe.
Este lindo niño
se quiere dormir...
cierra los ojitos
y los vuelve a abrir.
Arrorró mi niño,
arrorró mi sol,
duérmase pedazo,
de mi corazón
Lance’s breath finally evens out - his emotions having already ran their courses. He was exhausted. Hugging his abuela closer to him he dreams of never letting go.
“Abuela, thank you,” Lance tells her “I’ve missed you for so long. I’ve missed being home. My house, my house isn’t a home anymore. Not without you. But now I’m finally back. I’ve returned home. Thank you for being my home.”
Looking at her nieto, Lance’s abuela smiles fondly at him. “Mi amor, you’ve been home all along. I see you have a new family, one that can finally give you the love you deserve. I could only love you partially, but this family can love you fully. Mi amor, mi amor, I know it’s hard to see the way they express their love but let me tell you, their hearts are overflowing with love for you.”
Lance looks his abuela in the eye. “Abuela,” He says. “What happens if they find out my flaws? Mamá y papá left when they saw mine. How can I know they won’t leave me?”
“Lance,” his abuela replies. “That is the beauty of love. It leaves you exposed and open to other people. And yet, as exposed and vulnerable as you are in front of them, they still choose you. True love is not looking at the flaws. True love is looking at a person’s shortcomings and seeing how it makes them perfect and desirable in their own way.”
Taking in this information, Lance then makes a decision. “Thank you for this abuela,” He tells her. “You helped me realize the meaning of love. I think, I think I’m ready to leave myself exposed and vulnerable to my new f-family.” Taking in a shaky breath, Lance then continues, “I think I’m ready to let myself love them and be loved. I don’t think I’m afraid of being forgotten anymore.”
Smiling at Lance, his abuela hugs him. After a few seconds, she let’s go and say, “Well, I think you are ready to go back now.”
Realizing that by going back it means leaving his abuela, Lance pulls her into one last hug and kisses her cheek.
“Te quiero, mi amor.”
“Gracias, abuela. Te quiero.”
A bright light then engulfs Lance.
“I can’t believe we just left him. ”
“Keith,” Shiro starts. “Calm down. It’s in the past and there’s nothing we can do but wait.”
“Wait,” Keith cries out. “Wait? Guess what, we told him to wait because we were busy. And where did that land him? ”
Shiro flinches. He knows he messed up. “Keith,” Shiro calmly says. “I know you’re angry at not only yourself but also at us. Believe me, I’m angry at myself too. But we need to approach this situation with a calm and clear head. Hopefully, Lance wakes up soon.” He then gazes anxiously at Lance’s body suspended in a healing pod.
“But you don’t - you don’t get it, ” Keith screams. “I said such awful things to him. I told him we couldn’t help him when he needed us. Lance always helps us when we’re in need. But we failed him. I failed him. Shiro, if he doesn’t make it, I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t let his last memory of me be that. I don’t want him to remember me as this asshole . Shiro, I’m so, I’m so scared. I think I love him. And I’ve been too afraid to admit it to myself. That’s why I’ve been so cruel to him. That’s why I get so mad when he puts himself in danger. That’s why I push him away. Shiro, I can’t lose him.”
Tears start forming in Keith’s eyes and his vision blurs. Wiping them away, he storms out of the room.
Allura then gingerly walks into the room and stands beside Shiro. Placing a hand on his shoulder she tells him to rest. Gazing at Lance one last time, Shiro takes Allura’s hand and walks towards their rooms.
The glow of the healing pod illuminates the solemn and dark room.
-
Keith sneaks out in the middle of the night. Taking a flashlight out from his waist bag, he silently walks down the halls and heads towards the infirmary.
When he arrives at the infirmary, Keith sits down in front of the healing pod which contains Lance.
“Lance,” Keith tells the healing pod. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I was rude. I’m sorry I said those awful things. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel bad or if my words ever cut wounds onto your heart. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean them, I swear. I just get so angry when you sacrifice yourself for our safety. Lance, you care so much for others, you forget to take care of yourself. Please just, please come back. I swear I’ll be better. I’ll protect you and make you feel loved. Please come back.”
Gazing up at the healing pod, he points his flashlight at Lance’s face. Then, suddenly, the pod opens and out stumbles Lance. Keith quickly jumps up and catches Lance’s body. He then sits Lance up against the wall he as against a while go. Taking the flashlight he dropped in his haste to get to Lance, he shines it onto Lance’s face to examine it.
Keith hears Lance mumble something under his breath. “Gracias, abuela. Te quiero.”
Lance then opens his eyes sleepily. “Keith,” Lance asks. Lowering his flashlight from Lance’s face, Keith replies, “Yes?”
Becoming more lucid, Lance looks around and asks, “What happened? I remember being hit. And then, after that, I saw my abuela and talked with her. Is everyone okay? Did we defeat the swarm of galra ships?”
“Um,” Keith starts. “Well, you got hit and we lost contact with you. You passed out from the impact. However, Blue took over the controls and flew you back to safety. Allura and Coran quickly placed you in a healing pod as the rest of us kept the galra ships from attacking Blue or the castle. You’ve been in the healing pod for a little less than two days now. I don’t know about your um, what did you say? Abuela? Well anyway, I don’t know where that came from. Maybe you were dreaming while you were in the healing pod?”
Gazing into nothingness for a while, Lance keeps silent. He then says, “Just a dream I guess...”
Keith then stands up and extends a hand towards Lance, breaking the awkward silence. “Come on,” He says. “I think you should rest. Let’s take you back to your room and I can tell Allura that you’re awake after.”
Grabbing Keith’s hand, Lance stands up and they start heading towards their rooms.
In that moment Lance thinks, yes, he doesn’t have to be afraid of being forgotten and rejected anymore, as his hand stays engulfed in warmth.