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Shane stared in shock as his dad’s car reversed out his driveway and sped off before he even had a chance to try to explain away Ilya’s presence. He had never seen his dad leave so fast, drive so recklessly. His dad had never before run like hell to get away from Shane before. But now he had.
After seeing him with Ilya.
Shane couldn’t breathe. They had been so careful too. The fake names, the discreet hotel visits, his freaking sex condo, an entire building that he bought specifically so he and Ilya wouldn’t be found out. Every visit thrilling and terrifying in one.
And now his worst nightmare had come true. His dad had seen. He knew, logically, his parents wouldn’t disown him or stop talking to him or whatever. They’d be fine. I’m sure they would be. He’d just told Ilya that earlier.
Logic didn’t matter much right now.
This was actually his nightmare.
“This is my actual fucking nightmare, Ilya!” Finally, he was able to push the words past his throat.
He loved his parents and his parents loved him. That should make this easier.
He had so much to lose.
What if, even if they weren’t angry, they were disappointed? They probably wanted grandchildren! Even if he and Ilya adopted – which they hadn’t even talked about – their ten-year plan didn’t allow for that until they were older and retired.
Or…what if they saw the way he was accepting this part of himself as ingratitude? His mom had given everything to him, made brand deals, taken care of the difficult administrative and social tasks that always took so much out of him, made Shane Hollander a name that was spoken even outside of hockey circles. And here he was, risking everything she’d built for him.
What if they were totally okay with him being gay, but they hated Ilya? His mom was always talking about how ridiculous she thought his playboy persona was. What if she couldn’t see through to the real Ilya? What if she thought Ilya was manipulating him? What if, what if, what if?
Ilya’s voice cut through his spiral in that way that only Ilya could manage. “Yes, but you are brave.” Love for this beautiful man overwhelmed Shane as he sank to the ground and buried his face in Ilya’s crotch.
He just couldn’t help it. That’s what he would have to tell his parents. He wouldn’t give this up. He loved Ilya too much.
Even if he lost two of the most important people in his life today, he still had Ilya. Because even if they didn’t hate him for this, he knew nothing between them – not their casual brunches, not their family holidays, not their movie nights – would be the same now that he wasn’t the perfect Golden-Boy son he’d always been. Now that they knew he’d been lying to them for so long. He and Ilya’s love for each other would have to be enough.
He finally stood, steeling himself, and looked into Ilya’s eyes. There was nothing there but compassion. How did he get so lucky to have a boyfriend who only offered support in the face of Shane’s panic when he himself had so much to lose?
“I have to go talk to them,” he said, shaking his head, trying to usher out the remnants of panic that were forcing tremors through his body.
“Maybe…maybe he didn’t even notice?” Ilya tried, smiling at him.
Shane smiled back and pressed a gentle kiss to Ilya’s lips. He stepped back.
“Yeah, probably not,” he joked weakly. “You– would you–” he couldn’t say the words.
“Do you want me to come with you to talk to them?”
“Would you?” Shane asked, voice cracking on the words.
“Of course, moya lyubov.”
“Thank you.” It came out as a whisper. “I guess we should go get dressed.”
Ilya nodded and guided Shane to the bedroom. He tapped Shane’s elbows to indicate he should raise his arms.
“Ilya, I can dress myself.”
“Let me help you. You are hurting.” He caressed Shane’s cheek and leaned in to kiss his cheek where Shane guessed he had a freckle. Shane nodded, too wrung out to argue. Plus…it felt nice to be cared for like this.
Ilya gently slipped the T-shirt over Shane’s head. He patted his chest. “Can– can you actually get one of the linen ones? My mom bought me those…”
Ilya hesitated, a pained look in his eyes before he nodded. He grabbed one of the linen shirts and traded it out for the T-shirt. Then came the shorts. Ilya patted his cheek. “There you are. Now, go find your keys while I get dressed?”
Shane stumbled out of the room like a ghost. He didn’t need to find the keys. He always put them in the tray by the front door. It was nice to have a task though. He grabbed the keys and walked outside to start the car.
He was about to get in when Ilya walked out. Shane stared, gaping. “Really?” Of all the outfits Ilya could’ve chosen, he picked his Boston Raiders shirt?
“What? They don’t know I play for Boston?”
Shane gave him an unimpressed look.
“Plus, this way they are more mad at me, not you, see? Maybe I am the scary Russian who corrupted their sweet Canadian boy.” Ilya’s tone was joking, but Shane frowned.
“Ilya, I love you. Them being mad at you would hurt me just as much.” That was maybe not entirely true, but Shane hated when Ilya talked badly about himself like it was second nature. He hadn’t corrupted Shane at all; he’d just helped him finally be free. “If they accept me fully, but hate you, they still hate a part of me. They’d be hating the part of me that loves you, which is a pretty big part, Ilya!”
Ilya looked at him with watery eyes. He gave Shane a shaky smile before: “You know what else is a pretty big part?”
Shane scoffed and smacked Ilya’s shoulder as they settled into the car. “Ilya, I’m serious!”
Ilya stared at him with adoration. Shane felt warm with love. “I’m serious too! Solnyshko, you cannot make me cry before I meet your parents. Is bad for my image,” he insisted. Then more seriously, he added, “But I love you too, my Shane. So much my heart could burst.”
Shane smiled, but kept his eyes on the road. The last thing he needed was to get in a car accident because he was too busy staring at Ilya on the way to talking to his parents. He could just imagine his dad at his funeral, ruminating on how the last memory he had of his son was one where he was being groped against the window by his rival.
“Will you say it in Russian again?” he asked to distract himself from spiralling again. And because he wanted to hear it.
“Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Ya tee-bya loo-blue,” Shane repeated.
“Close enough. You will be fluent in no time, I am sure,” Ilya joked.
“I want to learn,” Shane replied seriously. He appreciated that this conversation was taking his mind off of their destination a little bit. “”I want to be able to speak to you in your first language.”
“Ah, what did I just say, my love? I swear, you are trying to ruin my reputation on purpose!”
Shane laughed, but quickly sobered as he pulled onto his parents’ road. This was it. This was the last time he’d be able to imagine how they’d react to him being gay. Because in a few minutes, he’d finally know the truth.
He parked the car and leaned back into his seat as they pulled into the driveway, but his legs wouldn’t move. He didn’t know if he could get out.
“Maybe you should stay in the car,” he said suddenly.
Ilya turned to him, an incredulous look on his face. Shane shook his head at himself. What was he doing? “No, you’re right. Come on.”
He walked toward the front door like it was a death march. It might as well have been, with the way his heart was pounding.
“Hey, it’s me,” he called as he opened the door. “Shane,” he added, unnecessarily.
His dad spoke immediately. “I left my charger at your place. Sorry. It’s the only one that fits my phone. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Shane glanced up for a moment, but eye contact was too hard right now. His dad sounded more apologetic than anything. But Shane was terrible with tone; maybe he sounded that way because he was upset about Shane keeping this secret.
“You shouldn’t have found out that way. I’m sorry.” It was the only thing he could think to say.
“Found out what, exactly?” Shane glanced up again for a moment, surprised. He assumed his dad had already told his mom what he’d seen.
“I–” he had to clear his throat. It felt far too dry all of a sudden. He hadn’t thought he’d need to say it. “I’m gay. I was going to tell you soon. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” He couldn’t help adding that last part. He couldn’t help but feel he’d failed them as a son. They gave him nothing but support and he gave them nothing but lies.
“And this is Ilya Rozanov,” he continued, adding salt to the wound for his mother, no doubt. “But you already know that. He’s visiting. We’re…”
“Lovers.” Ilya said confidently at Shane’s hesitation. It was the worst possible word he could’ve chosen. He didn’t want his parents to think this was just about sex, even if that’s what it had been for years.
“No, Ilya, that’s gross.”
“Oh.” Ilya let his hand drop off of his shoulder, looking dejected. Shane glanced back, but he would have to comfort Ilya later. For now–
“But you hate him.”
For now he had to answer his parents’ questions and try to convince him he was still the same Shane he’d always been.
“No, um, no, I get that. But no, I actually love him.” It still sent a thrill through him to say it out loud, that’s how new it was. But his mom didn’t need to know that. What was one more secret?
“I didn’t want this to be how I told you. I’m sorry,” he said again. “Can we just sit down?”
***
Shane sat at the table, staring down at his cup. They were all trying so hard to pretend everything was normal.
“We…might have suspected you were gay.”
“You did?” Shane asked, gaping at his dad. He had been so careful though!
“Well, we didn’t realize that you were so friendly with Rozanov–”
“Ilya,” Ilya interrupted. Shane froze. He wanted his parents to call Ilya by his first name too, but he already felt like he was on such thin ice right now–
“Right, Ilya,” his dad responded, easily. Shane could physically feel the relief run through him. “But we did have our suspicions.”
They had known. Or not known, but guessed. He looked at his mom. She looked down at her mug of tea. He grimaced. Just because they were okay with him being gay, didn’t mean they would be okay with the Ilya Rozanov of it all.
“So when did all this start?” his mom asked.
Shane hesitated. He wasn’t sure he could admit just how long he and Ilya had been…something.
“The All-Stars game…” his dad said, staring at them. “You two had such good chemistry.”
He hesitated. It would be the simple answer, an easy way out. But he was done lying. That´s not who you are. his mom had said. He could at least try to be the person they thought they knew in this regard.
”Uh, it was before that.”
“Wow,” his dad murmured, making eye contact with Yuna.
Shane watched his parents take in the new information. He could see the gears turning in his mom’s head, her need to have all possible information at her disposal.
“So when?” he knew the question was coming, but he still couldn’t look at her as he responded.
“...Rookie season,” he said finally.
“Rookie season?!” his mom repeated.
“No! No, is not true. Since before that.” Now was was when Ilya chose to hop in again?
“Not helpful.”
“Before?” And there goes his mom again.
“Yes, since the summer before.”
“So you’ve been in love since-” Shane winced.
“No! No. No–” he and Ilya said simultaneously. He glanced over at Ilya, glad he had been equally vehement in his denial. He would’ve felt guilty for refuting the statement so intensely if he hadn’t.
“Just…” Shane stared at Ilya as he opened his mouth again. Why would he volunteer more information? What the hell was he planning to tell them? That they were fuckbuddies for years before they even spent the night together? He was actually wrong earlier, when he said his parents finding out about him was his worst nightmare. No, this was.
“Just…?” his mom asked.
“Just…” Ilya looked at his tea like it might offer an answer for how he should respond. If he’d look up, he would realize the answer – which was to shut the fuck up – was actually on Shane’s face, not in his tea.
“Just what?”
“Just–” This time Ilya just waved his hand vaguely.
“Ilya,” he warned.
“Oh.” And now his mom understood, for better or worse. Mortifying. His dad, however, had not caught on.
“Just what?”
“Lovers,” his mom said frankly.
Shane groaned. “Okay, no one is allowed to use that word anymore.”
An awkward pause fell over the room.
“You never let him win, did you, Shane?”
Shane felt like crying. This was what he’d been afraid of. This was all too much. He forced his voice to be steady – he was well-practiced in it from the years of trying not to show how affected he was by things that were irrelevant to other people – as he replied.
“Would you let Dad win at cards?”
“Never!” She looked scandalized at the very thought. Then, her expression turned more pensive. “Oh. I see what you mean.”
She looked between them thoughtfully before continuing. Shane could see her going Mom-ager mode. He grimaced. He kind of just wanted his mom right now, not his manager. But the planning was part of what made Yuna who she was and there was no stopping her once she got going.
“So what’s the plan?”
“Well, we can’t exactly come out.” His mom frowned at him sadly as he said the words.
“Yeah…And Ilya, you have such a reputation as a ladies’ man,” his dad cut in, the unspoken question clear. Was Ilya all-in in the same way Shane was?
“Yes, this is true, but I have only ever been in love with one person,” he said seriously. Shane didn’t think hearing how much Ilya loved him would ever get old.
“Same for me. Just the one.” He could be brave too. Ilya believed he was.
Or that’s what he thought. As he watched his mom walk outside, he felt a little less brave. He stood up shakily. “I– I should–” He waved weakly towards the door and followed her.
He had to know what she was thinking right now. He hadn’t even thought about what it would look like from his mom’s perspective to not only hear that her son was gay, but already in love with another man. A man who she had spent years hating on his behalf. And not only that, but Shane had lied about it the entire time until he was caught.
He handed her her sweater as he shut the sliding glass door – a peace offering. He closed his eyes and faced the yard.
“I…I need you to know,” he winced as his voice cracked, “that I really did try.
“I tried really hard,” he felt tears springing to his eyes. He angrily blinked them away. “But I just– I just can’t help it.” Similarly, he couldn’t help it as one tear slipped silently past his defenses. He wiped it away roughly.
He heard his mom take a sudden deep breath in. He turned his head away further. He couldn’t face her disappointment in his failures.
“Honey, look at me.” He felt her hands on his face, but he stubbornly turned his head. What was one more disappointment? “Look at me,” she insisted. Shane couldn’t refuse her any longer, not now.
He felt overwhelmed and hyperaware of himself like he always did when he was forced to make eye contact. He used to stare at people when he was younger to try to get used to the feeling, but it usually just led to either people calling him creepy or him having a meltdown. He still wasn’t comfortable with it. He twitched a bit in her arms.
Whatever she was going to say must be important. Yuna usually put her full focus on making him as comfortable as possible, whether that was in school when he was having trouble focusing on one teacher’s long-winded instructions or at banquets when talking with important officials and celebrities or on set when filming a commercial for some expensive brand.
For her to ask him to do something she knew would make him uncomfortable signalled to Shane she was either going to tell him something she really needed him to understand or he’d damaged their relationship even more than he thought he had.
He stared at her, waiting to hear what she had to say. He kept his gaze steady, trying to show her what he’d been thinking since this morning. I can be better. I can be normal. I’m sorry. Don’t throw me away.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.” Shane tried to process the words. He wasn’t really expecting anything specific, but an apology? An apology wasn’t even an option. He was the one who should be apologizing.
“Mom–”
But Yuna wasn’t done. “And I am so, so proud of you.” She moved her hands down to his shoulders, and rubbed them briefly before drawing him into a hug. He noticed she was glassy-eyed now too.
“I love you,” she finished firmly.
Shane finally let the tears fall. “I love you too,” he choked out. She said everything he had been needing to hear. Words even he himself hadn’t realized he’d needed so desperately.
“How about we go inside now, honey? Your dad was making pasta. I bet it’s about ready now. And we need to talk about what your plan is.”
Shane nodded and followed her inside. Pasta did sound good right now, even if it was almost pure carbs. And of course, no one could keep Yuna from her planning for long.
***
They were once again, seated at the table, this time with pasta laid out before them instead of their tea. His mom was talking logistics again.
“I’m just saying! It’s important to be prepared! And Ilya, with this ten-year-plan you two mentioned, what, you have no loyalty to Boston?” At Shane’s incredulous look, she furrowed her brow defensively. “What? They drafted him. You would leave Boston for Shane?”
“Yes,” Ilya said simply. Shane smiled at him dopily before he caught his mom’s disapproving expression out of the corner of his eye.
“Mom!” he complained.
“Loyalty’s important, Shane!”
“He’s trying to be loyal to me, not Boston,” Shane said, emphatically. Then, in an aside to Ilya, “Sorry, my mom takes hockey a little too seriously.”
“I see where you get it from,” Ilya joked. Shane scowled at him, about to retort, but his mom cut in with another rapid-fire question.
“Have you talked to Scott Hunter?”
He could hardly hear Ilya’s answer over the rushing in his ears. This was all too much. He was so, so happy that his parents seemed to accept him and were treating him mostly the same as they normally did, but why did his entire life have to be this– this statement? Why was everything he did a commentary on something else?! He didn’t ask for this. He just wanted to play hockey.
“Shane. Shane,” Ilya’s voice cut through the fog surrounding him. Shane glanced up for a moment.
“I just– I’m just freaking out. I just need a minute.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Ilya said, his voice a familiar comforting timbre as he massaged Shane’s neck. “We’re good here. Your family is here. Your boyfriend is here. We’re good here.”
The words were comforting and exactly what he needed, but his mind could only focus on one word: “Boyfriend?”
“I mean…” Shane heard the same caution that had followed that first “I love you” in Ilya’s voice. “Yes, probably. I think so.”
Ilya drew him in for a kiss, caressing the back of his head. He kept it brief, chaste, then leaned back to his pasta.
Shane felt like he was able to breathe for the first time since arriving. As he closed his eyes, he heard his mom speak.
“Since rookie season.” But she didn’t sound upset about it, not anymore.
“The summer before,” his dad added warmly.
Shane smiled. Maybe it would all be okay. His parents didn’t hate him, and they were okay with him and Ilya being in love…or they would be at least, judging by how fond they sounded as they recalled how long the two had been together in some capacity.
Everything was normal, and Shane couldn’t be happier. Now that he knew his parents still loved him the same way they always had, this felt like any other lunch at his parents’ place, but better, because Ilya was there too, happily eating pasta next to Shane.
Shane felt more relaxed than he had in a long time, without the weight of hiding from two of the most important people in his life hanging over him.
Yeah, it was all going to be okay…