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Anthony had spent days scrutinising the weather forecast for the week. It was spring, so the sky could clear from time to time. But London weather was fickle, and the rain still invited itself in often. He was watching for the perfect moment when he could take Asa to contemplate the stars.
In the last few days, he had been more restless than usual. His colleagues, more accustomed to his placid and calm mood, had been surprised by the change. Some had ventured to ask him a few questions, but Anthony had dodged them by remaining vague. What was happening between Asa and him was brand new and concerned only the two of them. He watched over it preciously, like a soap bubble he feared seeing burst on contact with reality.
And besides, he had never been close to his colleagues. It was not that he did not appreciate them, to a certain extent. Anthony always kept a certain reserve toward his fellow human beings. He had always told himself that chatter, office friendships, and those small bonds woven between two coffees did not really interest him. Or was he afraid of letting someone into his intimacy…
All these doubts were new to him. Until then, his life had simply been his life. Normal, usual, familiar. He had never had to ask himself questions about it. And now, he saw it in a new light, and questions jostled inside him. In the end, he was not sure that his solitude made him as happy as he wanted to believe…
Anthony was checking the weather for the coming days on his computer at work. He should have been focusing on his research, but for some time now, his heart had not been in it as much. He was thinking of Asa. With him, the bookseller was always of an almost disarming naturalness. And yet, his authenticity rang so true… And there were those other things — more dangerous still — that troubled him… His sparkling blue eyes, almost too trusting. His gentle smile. And the taste of his lips… His warmth against his body, a kind of sharp and delicious burn smouldering beneath his skin. An image, fleeting but intense: Asa nestled against him and his lips finding his own in a ballet both tender and electric… A part of Anthony had wanted more; he could not hide it from himself.
Driving his thoughts away with difficulty, he refreshed the page every two seconds, clicking nervously on the mouse. The university network was particularly bad. The astrophysics department was clearly not really the faculty’s priority. So he stared at the cursor spinning on itself while waiting for the page to load.
Anthony let out a deep sigh of frustration and ran a hand through his hair with a slightly feverish gesture. He hoped the weather would be kind over the next few days. Because that meant seeing Asa again. At the thought, his heart beat a little painfully in his chest. The anticipation of pleasure? Fear? Perhaps a little of both… And deep down, almost hidden, a need to find himself near Asa again and grow drunk on his presence… His closeness, which heated his senses. Anthony had never felt so invested in a relationship. Perhaps even… vulnerable. When he thought about it, his heart tightened in his chest. And he did not know whether he was capable of living such a relationship.
At last, the page loaded, and Anthony pushed his glasses back up his nose. Clear skies tomorrow evening. A slightly trembling smile formed on his lips. He could not really tell whether that was a good thing or not.
Despite everything, he could not stop himself from grabbing his phone and looking for the conversation with Asa. The last message dated back to the previous evening. They had discussed literature but — obviously — Anthony had expounded at length on astrophysics. He reread Asa’s last words for a moment. “Good night, my dear.” Anthony did not know why those last two words troubled him so much.
He took a deep breath, his thumb hovering a few millimetres above the screen.
“Tomorrow evening, the sky will be clear. Still want to contemplate the stars?”
He reread his message several times, finding it by turns too silly or too cold. A sigh slipped through his clenched teeth, and his head came to rest in his hand. He was no longer a teenager facing his first stirrings of emotion. But his thumb was almost trembling above the screen, and it annoyed him profoundly. And yet, the nervousness he felt was not enough to tame his irrepressible desire to see Asa again. And to share with him something so intimate.
He had never taken anyone to look at the stars with him. Colleagues for work did not count. More than anything, he loved going there alone and plunging himself entirely into the contemplation of the sky. It was his secret garden, his fortress of solitude. The place where he finally felt soothed. And he was going to share it with Asa.
Finally, he sent the message and tossed his phone onto his desk a little too abruptly. He stared at it for a moment. No, he would not wait for his reply like a teenager. He was going to get back to work, and later, he would check whether Asa had answered him. That was the thing to do.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing out deeply. Then he cast a glance at the pile of files spread across his desk, waiting for him and no one else. For once, he had no desire to plunge into them. The thought unsettled him, but he did not have time to dwell on the matter because his phone vibrated. He lunged for it.
“I’m looking forward to it!”
Anthony then realised that he was smiling, a smile so intense that he felt tingles of pleasure beneath his skin. He briefly closed his eyes, savouring the strong beat of his heart in his chest. He could not help it. And even if it terrified him, he also felt a deep pleasure in it. Even a dizzying one.
Asa had not been able to stay still for several hours. Derek, the owner of the bookshop, had finally let him leave early. According to him, his nervousness was frightening the customers. But Asa had noticed Derek’s little smile. He seemed sincerely happy that he was seeing Anthony again. After all, it was thanks to him that Asa had rushed out to catch up with him that day.
A week had passed since their last date. They had written to each other a lot. Although Asa was not familiar with texting, he had learned quickly because Anthony seemed to appreciate that mode of communication. In the end, there was something a little romantic about it, which appealed to such an assiduous reader as him. A sort of twenty-first-century epistolary relationship in an instant version. It perhaps lost a little of the charm of waiting for letters to arrive, but Asa could not deny the pleasure of a conversation that continued without waiting impatiently for letters.
They had not spoken about the kiss. Anthony did not refer to it, so Asa had not dared to bring up the subject. As he tugged at his shirt to smooth out the creases, Asa could not help wondering whether Anthony regretted kissing him. He was nervous at the idea of seeing him again today when nothing had been said about it. And yet, that kiss had shaken Asa to the very depths of his soul. He remembered only too well the softness of his lips, his burning warmth that had intoxicated him more than he had expected. As if he had finally found himself in the place where he belonged. Or rather, as if he had found the path toward which his life was reaching. He would have so liked the redhead to open up, at least a little, so that Asa would know where he stood. But there were only questions occupying his mind. Even so, that worry did not drive away the pleasure he felt at the idea of spending the evening with Anthony.
His reflection sent back to him the anxiety that betrayed itself in his eyes and in the tension of his smile. Did Anthony expect them to act as if nothing had happened? And was he even capable of that?
His gaze settled on a small package wrapped in brown kraft paper. Asa had come across it in the old boxes in the bookshop’s stockroom. He had seen it as a sign from fate. Adventures in Celestial Mechanics: Introduction to the Theory of Orbits by Victor G. Szebehely and Hans Mark. The book’s binding had aged a little, and Asa did not know whether the work was of good quality. But he had instantly thought of Anthony when he had laid his hands on it. So he had paid for it and wrapped it carefully. His fingers trembling a little and fighting with the tape. It was nothing, he told himself, just a book. For a bookseller, giving a book was nothing surprising. And yet, Asa felt that this gift was more than that.
They had not defined their relationship. This vagueness had something delicious about it. There was, in the unknown taking shape between them, a soft and dizzying feverishness. But that same vagueness also fed doubt. Asa remained, then, in an uncomfortable situation of uncertainty. Torn between the exhilaration of their growing closeness and the fear that Anthony wanted only that kind of relationship. Whereas for Asa… Anthony was already taking up an unreasonable place in his life, like a small sun around which his thoughts kept returning. It frightened him, but he had the — almost painful and a little irrational — certainty that this attraction was profoundly right.
So Asa trembled at the thought that his gift might be badly received. It was not just a simple book. It had made him think of Anthony immediately, as if it were obvious. He hoped Anthony would see that it was a way for Asa to show that he loved his way of living for the stars. An almost intimate gift. And he so wanted to see that slightly roguish and delighted smile on Anthony’s lips, whose flavour he still remembered…
Restless, Asa checked his appearance in the mirror for the hundredth time, tugging at his bow tie. He did not like looking at himself, but there was a necessity to it: he wanted to be perfect for Anthony. Would he have the right to another kiss? Was going to look at the stars not romantic and conducive to a rapprochement? His fingers were almost trembling with anticipation as he ran a hand through his hair to tame it.
The ring of his doorbell made him jump. His heart leapt in his chest. His gaze fell on his reflection without really seeing it. He took a deep breath to try to calm his nerves, which was not truly effective.
Asa opened the door with a haste that embarrassed him a little. Anthony Crowley was leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets. A casualness that Asa envied a little. But as soon as his gaze met his, he saw the same turmoil in his chocolate-brown eyes. Asa sketched a smile that managed to be both a little tense and happy.
“Good evening, Asa. I’m not too early, am I?”
His Scottish accent definitely had the gift of making Asa melt.
“Good evening, Anthony. You are exactly on time.”
They remained for a moment looking at each other, a little uneasy, not knowing how to greet each other. Asa clung to his small package wrapped in brown kraft paper like a lifebuoy. He felt himself capsizing at the sight before him. In the light of the streetlamps, Anthony’s red hair seemed to blaze. Like his mischievous gaze. And his chocolate-brown eyes, in which Asa ardently desired to drown.
Finally, Anthony took a breath. A crooked smile. He slowly drew closer to Asa and placed a light kiss on his cheek. He lingered for a few — delicious — long seconds. Asa felt the back of his neck heat. A sudden desire seized him. To pull him against himself and gorge himself on his warmth. His scent, musky, made his heart beat a little faster. The redhead stepped back, and the bookseller caught a spark in his eyes. Anthony cleared his throat. Asa was delighted.
“Are you ready? The weather is ideal for looking at the stars. If we do not delay, you will have the best show.”
Anthony’s gaze settled on the small brown paper wrapping, and he raised his eyebrows in question with a slight smile. Asa then remembered what he was holding and handed it to him with a nervous gesture.
“It’s only a little something… I came across it and… er, I thought you might like it.”
His gaze briefly settled on Anthony, then he looked away. He feared his reaction. Even so, he could not stop himself from looking back at him, as if magnetised. The redhead’s smile had grown more tender.
Asa had never before seen so much tenderness in Anthony’s smile. He began to unwrap the package carefully. Asa was anxious, but he could not take his eyes off his beautiful hands — with long, slender pianist’s fingers — busy delicately opening the package.
At last, Anthony freed the book from its wrapping and read the title attentively. He remained motionless for a moment, his face placid. Asa felt his throat tighten painfully. There, it was a mistake. He had wanted to make a gesture, an attention that showed he was thinking of him and… But it was surely too soon, or else Anthony did not want that type of relationship, or…
Then the redhead raised his eyes to him. They did not hide the emotion he felt, and his smile wavered on his lips.
“It’s, er… I wasn’t expecting this. Asa, truly, this means a great deal to me. I looked for it for a long time, but since it had not been reprinted, I was never able to get my hands on it. Asa… Thank you. Truly,” he said in a slightly choked voice.
Asa felt a gentle warmth — or perhaps a little too bright, he was not quite sure — invade him until it made him smile. Anthony looked again at the thick volume with its slightly dog-eared binding, then a somewhat uneven breath escaped his lips. Like so many words he could not manage to say, but which Asa understood in his silence.
“You’re welcome, Anthony. I saw it and immediately thought of you… so… well, I wanted to give it to you.”
Anthony’s reaction exceeded all his hopes, and he felt an almost dizzying joy take hold of him. His heart was beating quickly in his chest, and he felt so happy that his gift had been accepted. And loved. Then seeing Anthony so moved… Asa felt as though he were growing wings, and he gently moved closer to the redhead. Their bodies were close, and he could feel his warmth mingling with his own. His nearness made him dizzy. He wanted to plunge his hands into his red hair, draw him toward him, and steal that kiss burning on his lips.
“It really is a beautiful gift. But I feel a little embarrassed that I have nothing to offer you.”
“You are going to offer me all the stars, so it really is not much,” Asa replied.
Anthony let out a breath through which something tender and delighted passed. He raised his eyes to Asa and, with an almost instinctive movement, delicately caught his hand. Asa’s heart stumbled in his chest. They looked at each other, straight in the eyes. As if their gazes could speak for them. All those words they were not yet ready to say. It lasted a few long seconds — an eternity. Asa’s heart was beating fast in his chest, and he even felt shivers at the tips of his fingers.
Then Anthony released his hand, slowly. He ran it through his hair with a slightly nervous gesture. Which had the effect of tousling it even more. And that was not at all displeasing to Asa. For some time now, his fingers had been itching to wander through his red hair to appreciate its softness.
Anthony stepped back and, with a gesture, invited Asa to come forward.
“I came by car. We’ll have to get a little way out of the city, otherwise we won’t see anything.”
They walked for a moment in silence. It was night, the streetlamps spreading a soft light, a little unreal, almost dreamlike. They arrived in front of a car from another era, black, with a design from years gone by. He found it beautiful and original. Asa was not even surprised. Of course Anthony drove a car like that.
“It’s a Bentley. It belonged to my grandfather. It’s perhaps a little… vintage, but I’m attached to it. And it runs very well.”
He almost seemed to be apologising.
“I think it’s magnificent.”
Anthony smiled, looking delighted. His eyes sparkled adorably, and Asa felt himself capsizing. The redhead gallantly opened the door for him, and Asa got in.
The interior smelled of aged leather. And Anthony’s delicious scent perfumed the air. Asa breathed in deeply, as if to fill himself with that smell that troubled him so much. There was something indecent about that scent: it soothed him as much as it awakened him. As if it had been created solely for him and to trouble him.
Anthony placed the book delicately and carefully on the back seat. Then he settled behind the wheel.
“We’re going to a field about half an hour’s drive away. I know the owner; he lets me go there as often as I want. He’s a family friend. The view is clear, and we’re far from all the city’s light pollution.”
The engine roared, and the car set off down the road.
The beginning of the journey passed in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Asa observed the car, appreciating the grain of the wood worn by time. The softness of the leather seats. The rumble of the engine had something reassuring about it, like a deep, low melody that calmed his nerves. Anthony did not turn on the radio; he seemed focused on his driving. Or else… thoughtful? Asa tried to occupy his mind so as not to spend the whole journey staring at Anthony. Shut inside that small cabin, there was no one left in the world but the two of them. Outside was a stream of lights flowing past around them, like a kaleidoscopic whirlwind.
Asa was surprised by Anthony’s silence. At every date, he launched into didactic speeches about astrophysics and the stars. Asa had understood that it was a subject he could cling to in order to keep control. And yet, that evening, he remained silent. As if his passion was no longer a sufficient refuge behind which he could hide. Was he too troubled for that rampart to protect him?
It made Asa curious. He almost wanted to ask him the question frankly. But he did not feel ready to question him so directly on that kind of subject. Especially not when the spectre of their kiss hovered between them.
Once they were out of London, Anthony’s driving became a little faster. The city light became scarce, then disappeared. Only the headlights illuminated the road, which grew more and more winding. Asa had not known that an almost country road could be found so close to London. The speed was a little exhilarating; he felt perfectly safe with Anthony, who negotiated the bends without difficulty.
Nevertheless, the silence was beginning to weigh on him. The question of the kiss was burning on his lips. He needed to talk about it. To know what tune they were going to play during that evening. If Anthony did not want to talk about it, well, so be it. Asa did not want to rush him, even if it would disappoint him. But he needed things to be clear if he wanted to be able to enjoy this evening.
Asa nibbled at his lips, his gaze alternating between the road and Anthony’s impassive face. Finally, he gathered his courage in both hands to break the silence.
“Anthony… you’re very quiet. Is everything all right?”
“I’m driving, that’s all,” he replied.
But his voice was a little hesitant.
“Are you really all right?” he finally insisted in a small voice.
He could have been ashamed of showing himself so vulnerable. But with Anthony, he felt no desire to hide. He always showed himself bare with him, as if it were useless to try to conceal himself. As if he had known him forever.
The redhead cast him a brief glance. Asa’s heart was beating hard in his chest, and his hands were trembling slightly. The redhead turned his attention back to the road and let silence hover between them for a long moment. To the point where Asa wondered whether he was even going to answer him.
“You know… an orbit is nothing more than a trajectory drawn by gravity,” he finally replied in a slightly detached voice.
Asa understood that he was referring to the book he had given him. But he was not sure he understood the connection with his question. He clenched his hands against his knees and nibbled his lips nervously. But he no longer hesitated to observe Anthony’s calm profile.
“One body attracts another. It could fall toward it, crash into it, or move away from it forever. But sometimes, something in their movement finds a balance. Then it stays. It still falls, but around. They attract each other. They disturb each other. They alter their trajectory without even meaning to.”
Asa’s heart sped up in his chest as he gradually understood what Anthony was getting at. He was moved to see him trying to explain what he felt through astrophysics, gravity, and the notion of orbit.
“And is that a bad thing?” he asked in a slightly trembling voice.
Anthony kept silent for a moment. There was nothing left but the rumble of the engine, the whisper of the tyres on the tarmac. Asa felt as if his heart had stopped, as if waiting for the judgement that would tell it whether it could go on beating or stop altogether.
“No… not always…” Anthony finally replied in a soft voice.
Asa breathed in deeply, gathered his courage, finally ready to face things.
“Anthony… Do you regret that we kissed?” Asa finally dared to ask, his heart in his throat.
The redhead turned his eyes away from the road for a moment. A few shards of moonlight were reflected in the glass of his spectacles and tenderly illuminated the soft line of his lips. His eyes were black, unfathomable.
“No. Never.”
The words fell almost brutally. They had escaped him before he had had time to think about them. And Asa then understood how true that was.
They looked at each other for another moment before he turned his attention back to the road. Asa then noticed that Anthony had slowed the pace of his car. His heart was beating all the way to the tips of his fingers as he repeated the words of the man who made him lose his mind. He did not regret it. He did not regret it. That idea turned inside him like a leitmotif, and his smile grew wider and wider.
“Listen, Asa, I… well… I don’t know where we’re going… But… I don’t regret kissing you. Never doubt that.”
“And do you intend to repeat the experience?”
His boldness surprised Asa, and Anthony turned his head to give him a slightly roguish smile. The atmosphere in the car relaxed. The air was softer and warmer, comforting and marked by a kind of exhilaration that was both gentle and a little wild.
“If you’re good…” he replied with a slightly roguish smile.
Anthony briefly turned his head to meet Asa’s gaze, and they both stifled a small laugh. The pressure seemed to have dropped. Asa felt lighter; he could not stop his lips from smiling. And he then told himself that this evening under the stars was surely going to be very interesting…
Anthony felt as though he could finally breathe again. For a week, he had fled that conversation as best he could, but Asa had finally dared to name what was floating between them. It had cost him, more than he was willing to admit. But now that it was done, something inside him had loosened.
Night had swallowed the landscape. And yet, by a magic Anthony would have been quite incapable of explaining, Asa seemed to shine beside him. Every glimmer was caught by the bookseller’s fair skin, and he almost glowed in the half-light. It was perhaps a little ridiculous, but he gave him the impression of an angel fallen from the sky. Anthony struggled to keep his eyes on the road, so much did Asa’s slightly dreamy smile draw his gaze.
He was beginning to feel cramped in this car, with this bookseller who troubled him so much and his thoughts piling up without seeming to want to stop. He absolutely had to think about something else.
“How was your day?” he asked, with a despair he hoped was discreet.
Asa seemed to notice it, but he had the delicacy to answer as if he had not. He told him about his day, the amusing anecdotes about customers. And Anthony felt his heart finally grow calmer as he listened to that soft voice narrating the banality of a working day in a bookshop.
The road grew even more winding. The tarmac gave way to beaten earth. The Bentley jolted along the path Anthony knew so well. He could follow it by instinct. He glanced at Asa. He had clung to the door and was watching the outside with discreet nervousness.
“Everything’s all right, I know the way by heart,” he reassured him.
Asa then gave him a beautiful smile.
“I trust you.”
Anthony’s heart missed a beat, and both men jumped when the car passed over a pothole. He then forced himself to concentrate. It was the first time he had had to pay attention on that road. The beautiful bookseller was far too good at distracting him…
They finally reached the end of the path, beneath a large sycamore. Anthony parked the car and switched off the engine. The headlights opened a narrow clearing of light in the night. A wave of pleasure and serenity seized him as he heard the crickets singing in the wheat field. The wind made the leaves of the trees rustle. Anthony had missed that gentle murmur of nature. They were alone in the world. It was so different from London… He then looked at Asa, a little anxious at the idea of his reaction. He hoped he would love this place as much as he did.
Asa was looking outside, a broad smile on his lips.
“So this is where you come to look at the stars, then?” Asa finally asked, turning toward him.
Anthony nodded. His throat was tight; he was not quite sure why. His heart swelled in his chest when he saw Asa’s delighted smile.
“Come on, come with me,” he managed to say in a slightly hoarse voice.
Anthony knew these gestures by heart. In the back of his Bentley was everything he needed. He gently ran his hand over the metal of the telescope to regain his composure. He knew what he had to do. He focused on the familiar gestures. He put on his headlamp and handed a torch to Asa.
“Do you want some help?” he offered.
“Take the blanket, please,” Anthony replied after a brief hesitation.
What followed unfolded with the well-oiled mechanics of habit. Anthony set up the telescope, and Asa spread the blanket over the tender grass, a little damp with dew.
Anthony was acutely aware of the bookseller’s presence beside him. But he was in his domain, on his territory, in his secret garden. He managed to keep control and set everything up without losing the thread. As he adjusted the telescope, he saw Asa settle on the blanket before Anthony switched off his headlamp. And darkness enveloped them, with only the faint glow of the torch lying on the blanket lighting them. He then noticed that they had not spoken for about fifteen minutes and that the bookseller did not seem at all offended.
Anthony watched him for a moment, discreetly. He had sat down, his legs stretched out before him and his hands behind him, his face turned up toward the starry vault. In the half-light, he could not see the expression on his face. And he regretted it deeply.
A desire, sudden, burning. To join him on that blanket, take him in his arms and…
Anthony startled, as if burned. Asa attracted him, like a star exerting its gravity to pull him into its orbit. And, if he let himself be caught, could he even survive it? That thought knotted his stomach, and he gripped his telescope firmly so as not to falter. Space. The stars. There.
Gathering his thoughts, Anthony placed his eye to the eyepiece to adjust it. He searched for the star he wanted to show Asa. He loved the calm that came over him when he saw the celestial vault through that small glass lens. Everything seemed so close while remaining so far away… Lights continued to reach him despite the ancient death of certain stars. He followed the constellations, murmuring their names, which he had learned as a small child with his grandfather. For a moment, it was as if he were alone. Like the thousand times he had come to lose himself in the immensity of the sky. But that lasted only a second, because when he found Arcturus, his heart leapt in his chest. He straightened, a little feverish. There, he was finally at the moment when Asa was going to enter what was most intimate and most precious in him. And it was both worrying and… exhilarating.
“Asa…” he said softly.
He especially did not want to break the soft melody of the night. The moment seemed frozen in time. A suspended moment, a truce in ordinary life. There was only Asa who truly mattered, he understood with a certain anxiety. The bookseller turned toward him, all smiles.
“Come, I’m going to show you Arcturus.”
Asa stood and joined him. They looked at each other for a moment a little awkwardly, and Anthony understood that he had never used a telescope before. A moved smile stretched his lips as he explained to him in a low voice the basics of stargazing. Asa listened, serious.
“Come on, your turn.”
Anthony stepped aside, and Asa bent down to look through the lens. He could feel his warmth near him, his scent of cologne tickling his senses. He could not hold back a smile as he placed one hand on his hip and the other on his shoulder to help him find a better posture. He let his hands linger a little longer than necessary. He appreciated the softness of his jacket and that far too burning warmth of his body. He thought again of the kiss, of that desire to pull him against himself, to nestle him in his arms and find again those lips that made him dream so much.
Anthony was troubled that Asa made him lose his composure so easily and without doing anything in particular. He had never experienced that. With anyone. Anthony had thought that by taking Asa into his secret garden, he would manage to keep control, but… His gaze embraced the curves of the bookseller’s body. He clenched his teeth and shook his head. He was not a horny teenager anymore, for goodness’ sake! he thought with a little shame.
He breathed in deeply and forced his mind back to measurable things. Coordinates. Distances. Names of stars. Everything that did not risk looking at him with blue eyes.
“So there, you can see Arcturus. It’s a red giant. It’s cooler than the Sun, but much larger. It has already left the peaceful period of its life as a star.”
He left Asa a little time to observe. The bookseller kept silent, but he could feel that he was entirely focused. Then he straightened and met his gaze. Anthony had switched off his headlamp, and there was only the torch in Asa’s hand lighting them. Anthony had the impression that Asa’s eyes shone as brightly as all those stars he had spent his life observing.
He mentally shook himself. He lifted his head to the sky and pointed his finger toward several points of light.
“Look. Arcturus, Spica, Regulus. If you connect them, you get what is called the Spring Triangle. It isn’t an official constellation. Just a human way of putting order into something immense.”
The magic of this place was finally working on Anthony, and he felt transported. He then explained to Asa the names of the stars, their trajectory and distances, the path of light… The bookseller listened to him, nodding. He did not understand everything, but he was smiling, and Anthony felt free to give free rein to his need to talk about the stars. The more he spoke, the more he calmed. He saw something in Asa’s eyes that he did not truly recognise. Tenderness? Admiration? A deep and sincere attentiveness?
“You know the Plough, of course. There, if you look carefully, you’ll see two very close points. Mizar and Alcor. People often take them for a single star when they are not paying attention. But they are two. Close, linked by the gaze we place on them.”
He pointed them out with his finger but realised that Asa could not see them. So he drew closer to him. Slowly, he took one of his hands while his fingers caught his waist. His breath brushed his cheek, and his heart was beating at record speed.
“There, do you see?” he murmured in his ear.
He felt Asa tremble in his embrace. The bookseller nodded as if he were unable to speak. Anthony’s throat had tightened, his fingers trembling on Asa’s arm, which he could not help caressing delicately with his thumb. A fragile moment, just for them and the stars. He wanted to hold him more tightly against him, bury his face in the hollow of his neck and grow drunk on his so delicious scent.
At that moment, something cracked in Anthony. The stars, gravitation, the force of orbits and inertia, all of that became secondary compared to the man he was holding, shivering, in his arms. And yet all of that had been his whole life. Always. How could a bookseller — as wonderful as he was — overturn his inner world to such an extent?
Because Asa had listened to him. Truly. Even if he did not understand everything, he had listened to him speak with a smile. He had entered his universe as best he could, a little bit. This place was his refuge, and bringing Asa here had perhaps been a mistake. Would he even be able to come back here without him and, above all, without thinking of him?
He would almost have preferred Asa to listen to him only with polite interest and drift away after ten minutes of didactic explanation. But no. He seemed truly to want to enter his world. He was not asking him to choose, no. And that — inexplicably — was terrifying.
Anthony stepped back abruptly, and Asa turned toward him. Even through the half-light, he could see the trouble in his eyes.
“Is everything all right?” he asked in a low voice, with a worried tone.
Anthony shook his head; too many things were being overturned inside him. He had never imagined being able to meet someone like Asa. Someone who accepted him as he was and sought to glimpse his inner world. He had never even truly desired it. Solitude was his friend. But Asa was radically changing his vision of his life. And that was terrifying.
“You don’t have to pretend to be interested, you know,” he replied in a sharper tone than he would have wanted.
He took a step back, as if to put distance between them. But it was useless; he knew it.
“Oh, my dear… I am not pretending. I love seeing you so passionate, I love listening to you. I love sharing, if only a little, your world…”
Anthony observed him attentively. He was looking for boredom or irritation in Asa’s blue eyes. What he usually saw in everyone else’s when he spoke. But there was only the radiance of an infinite tenderness. He let out a sigh and rubbed his hair in a nervous gesture. He had a knot in his throat and his heart caught in a vice. He had to do something to relieve this pressure, or he would go mad.
“Asa… where are we going, the two of us?” he finally dared to ask.
Every attempt at escape had been smothered. He felt like a lost little boy, afraid that all of this was a cruel dream. And that he would wake up alone. As he had always been.
“Anthony… I… Well…”
Asa sighed; he seemed at a loss for words to reassure him.
“Come,” he asked him in a soft voice, showing him the blanket.
Anthony would have liked to resist, but Asa held out his hand to him, and he gave in. His warm palm against his own made his doubts and fears bend.
They settled side by side on the blanket, and Asa lay down. Anthony watched him for a moment, then did the same. They remained silent, and his gaze was lost in the immensity of the sky he knew so well. The stars shone in the firmament, peaceful, indifferent, and yet strangely consoling.
Little by little, his breathing calmed, and he felt more serene. He could feel Asa’s comforting presence near him.
“I… I am not easy to live with, Asa. I lose myself in work. I forget appointments, I forget to eat… I disappear for days, and I spend entire nights alone looking at the stars. Or I bury myself in my research and only emerge from it after several days…”
He spoke softly, like confessions one only makes when protected by darkness.
“I… I have always been alone. Other people, well, they do not really interest me. I have nothing against them. I do not know how to address them, I think. And you came into my life… And you turned everything upside down. I don’t know… I don’t know if I can go on as before now that you are here. You gave me a book about the force of orbits, and I find that rather… well… funny, or fitting. I feel drawn to you. I am in your orbit, and I don’t know if… I can still escape it… Nor even if I want to.”
Anthony breathed in deeply. He was extremely grateful that Asa remained silent, letting him express himself.
“But I don’t think I am good for you… You are so… so wonderful, Asa. You deserve someone who will know how to offer you all the presence you need. Not… someone like me… who will lose himself in the stars and who… will not always know how to show you the affection he feels.”
There, he had dared to speak. He kept his eyes wide open, calmly observing the stars that shone quietly in the ink-black sky. Looking at Asa in that moment was impossible. He almost startled when he felt Asa’s hand seek his own and squeeze it gently.
“Anthony… I am not asking you to change. I love your way of seeing the world, I love that you are passionate about something greater than us.”
A light silence, as soft as a feather.
“I only want to be able to accompany you into your world, sometimes. Because what you see is beautiful and deeply sensitive. Poetic.”
“Are you sure?” Anthony asked, in a voice that almost sounded like a plea.
Asa turned onto his side, and Anthony did the same. The torch was lying farther away in the grass and faintly lit their faces. But Anthony could see the softness in his eyes, the peaceful and serene smile forming on his lips.
“I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life,” Asa murmured.
He then brought his hand to his cheek and caressed it delicately. Anthony could not suppress a shiver that awakened every fibre of his body.
“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in life…” Asa breathed.
Anthony felt his eyes grow moist and wondered whether Asa could see it despite the faint light.
And softly, Asa moved closer, never taking his eyes off him. There was so much tenderness in his gaze that Anthony felt himself capsizing. And there was also that spark. Mischievous, deep, and a little opaque and mysterious.
Then their lips found each other. It was a slow, delicate kiss. So true, so pure. Of an almost disarming sincerity. He could feel that they were both overwhelmed by the authenticity of the bond being woven between them. They shared the same breath, and that silence said more than their words ever could have. A dizziness, and the feeling that nothing would ever be the same again. Anthony then held Asa in his arms, giving free rein to his desire to run his hands over his back. Each caress traced a path of fire beneath his fingers. He then told himself that he would never grow tired of Asa’s taste, of the softness of his mouth, nor even of that hunger that was slowly emerging.
Above them, the stars continued their silent course. Anthony had contemplated them all his life in order to lose himself in their light.
This time, however, he had the strange and luminous sensation that they had finally found each other. Despite time. Despite space.