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Asa Fell adjusted his bow tie for the thousandth time. He was nervous. He had never been this nervous for a date. In the mirror, he saw himself grimace. Anthony Crowley was so… well, so… Asa wasn’t sure he measured up. But Anthony had suggested this fourth date by text. He had read and reread it, feverishly searching for clues, coded words that might help him understand what this redhead who had turned his head so completely was thinking.
Today, Anthony was taking him to a little bistro. He had told him, in a lightly teasing tone, that the food there was good. Asa had been a little embarrassed that he had noticed just how much he liked food. But with Anthony… Asa didn’t feel like hiding who he was. There was something about him that drew him like a magnet. A strange feeling —confused but delicious— that he had always known him. Maybe in another life…
Asa adjusted his bow tie once more before wondering if he was overdoing it. He tugged at it, wondering if he should take it off. Just then, the doorbell rang and he jumped violently. There it was. This was it. He cast one last perplexed glance at his bow tie, avoiding looking directly at himself in the mirror. Asa had never liked seeing his reflection.
The bell rang again and he took a deep breath. Nervously, he ran a hand through his hair. Then he went to the front door. Anthony Crowley was there. Leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets, his posture proclaimed his ease. He was wearing dark clothes, as always. A dark grey shirt and a black waistcoat. His red hair was slightly tousled. And his smile… His smile made Asa melt like never before. It was a soft smile, a little shy. But there was a spark of mischief to it that was far from displeasing to the bookseller.
“Good evening, Asa. I’m not too early, am I?”
And there was also his voice, slightly rough, and that Scottish accent that set his senses alight.
“No, no, not at all,” he replied, stumbling over his words a little.
Anthony’s smile widened further and Asa blushed. He couldn’t be subtle around him. Unlike his other relationships, where he had always felt like he was holding himself back, there was something about Anthony that inspired boundless trust. As long as Anthony was looking at him, with that little spark in his eyes, Asa almost felt handsome and interesting. And important.
Asa gathered his thoughts and grabbed his house keys. Anthony stepped back, but stayed very close to him as he locked the door. He could feel his warmth at his back. His slightly musky scent was already going to his head and unsettling him deeply. His fingers trembled a little as he turned the key in the lock. His cheeks were probably already red. That too was new. Asa had never lost control of himself this much with a man.
The bistro wasn’t far, so they walked there. The sun was setting. The slanting light illuminated the glass surfaces of the buildings. Whenever Asa turned his head toward Anthony, he was moved by the tenderness with which the last rays of sunlight played in his red hair.
Anthony was talking, slightly feverishly. He was describing his latest research on gravity, his hands sweeping through the air to underline his points. Asa wondered if this sudden urge to talk without stopping was proof that he was just as nervous as he was. He didn’t understand much of what he was saying, but he marveled at the slightly rough sound of his voice and the joy vibrating in his tone. His eyes were shining and sometimes his hand brushed his arm. Each time, his heart leapt deliciously in his chest.
They arrived at the bistro very quickly and a waiter led them to their table. It was an utterly charming place. A warm, soft, hushed atmosphere. Intimate. A vase held a few dried flowers. The cream tablecloth felt soft beneath his fingers.
Anthony kept talking and Asa understood that this was his way of keeping control. He felt flattered to unsettle such a handsome man.
“Sorry, I must be boring you with my stories…” Anthony finally said anxiously.
He was nibbling at his lips and gently tugging at his fingers. Asa couldn’t help but smile.
“Not at all, I really like listening to you. I don’t understand everything, but I love seeing you so passionate,” he said softly, briefly averting his eyes.
In truth, they were both as nervous as two teenagers on their first romantic date. But that unease was —strangely— delicious. Tingles of pleasure ran across his skin, like a faint pleasant burn.
Asa looked back at Anthony. He was smiling, a crooked smile. Definitely mischievous. His heart sped up again and he grabbed the menu to steady himself.
They studied it for a few minutes in comfortable silence. Asa was acutely aware of Anthony’s presence beside him. He was like a miniature sun warming the space between them and inevitably drawing his gaze. He couldn’t help sneaking little glances over the menu, and every time, he found Anthony’s warm eyes already fixed on him.
The waiter arrived with a candle, lit it, and took their order. The two men waited for him to leave and their gazes met. They both chuckled softly.
“A candle. Well, we’re not as discreet as we thought we were,” Anthony commented with a smile.
“Indeed,” Asa replied, blushing even harder.
They looked at each other for a long moment in silence. Anthony’s gaze was suddenly more serious, graver. He was studying him as though he didn’t quite know what to make of him. Asa couldn’t help shifting slightly in his chair, but he didn’t break eye contact. He was captivated by the chocolate colour of his eyes, by their depth that betrayed nothing of what he might be thinking. Things moved within his darkened pupils, dark and opaque things. And intoxicating. Something powerful was happening between them. As though the space separating them was stretching beneath intense heat. Some kind of oasis, a mirage. He was afraid that if he blinked, it would all disappear.
Eventually, Anthony’s gaze softened, warmer and less intense. Asa took a deep breath. He realised he had stopped breathing. The redhead gave him a smile. A slightly awkward little sketch of one, almost as if apologising.
“I’m sorry, I’m tired at the moment. I have a paper to finish on my research topic and it’s taking up all my time. I even forget to eat!” he joked.
“What exactly is your research about?” Asa asked.
In truth, even though he knew he wouldn’t understand any of it, he loved listening to Anthony talk about astrophysics. As the latter obliged, Asa was able to savour the sight of the researcher growing animated over dark matter, the Higgs boson, and all sorts of other things the bookseller knew only by name. But Anthony was so beautiful, his hands flying through the air to underline his words. His eyes sparkled, and his smile burned him. His smile burned him.
It was their fourth date, and Asa was aware that Anthony had spoken very little about himself. He talked about science, joked, even flirted a little. But Asa knew nothing intimate or personal about him. He didn’t know whether secrecy was simply in his nature, or if he needed more time to open up.
Asa, on the other hand, never hesitated to speak openly about himself. In fact, he had the rather confused impression that Anthony already knew all of it. There was something disarmingly natural, at times, that pushed Asa to open up completely and without restraint.
“I’m boring you, aren’t I?” Anthony suddenly asked.
“Not at all! I was just wondering what made you want to study astrophysics.”
The redhead scratched the back of his neck and seemed to hesitate for a moment. His gaze wandered before settling on Asa’s. He studied him for an instant, lightly biting his lower lip as if wondering whether he should speak. Finally, his shoulders relaxed and he ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it even more.
“Well, as far back as I can remember, I’ve always been fascinated by the stars. My grandfather used to take me to look at them and taught me the names of the constellations. I asked for nothing but telescopes for my birthday. There’s something about them… well, you’re going to think I’m mad…” he said dreamily.
“No, no, tell me. I’d like to know,” Asa encouraged.
“Well… when I look at the sky, when I think about the immensity of the universe… it soothes me. I… I can be quite an anxious person and… the stars are my landmarks. They’re always there. Even when they’re dead, their light still reaches us. It’s something that has always deeply… moved me. I can spend entire nights looking at the sky and everything else disappears. I’m finally at peace. You’re going to think that’s strange…”
Anthony had stared at the tablecloth throughout his entire confession, looking terribly embarrassed. On instinct, Asa reached out, took his hand, and squeezed it gently. The redhead looked up, a little surprised. But with a smile on his lips.
“I think it’s very poetic, actually.”
Anthony gently slipped his fingers between Asa’s, their gazes never leaving each other. Their warmth mingled as he softly stroked the back of Asa’s hand. They looked at each other with all the seriousness and authenticity of the tension floating between them.
“There’s something stable and immutable in the laws of physics that is… very reassuring. Everything else moves and changes constantly. But the stars follow a predictable path. The world is… chaotic… compared to the laws that govern the cosmos…” Anthony admitted in a small voice.
He spoke almost as though he were afraid of being punished. Asa understood that he wasn’t used to being so transparent, and he could see in his eyes how much it unsettled him. And yet, he had spoken. He had found the courage to do it. But he still didn’t dare look at him directly, not knowing how this newfound honesty would be received.
“I understand why that reassures you. I’d never thought of it that way before. Will you take me to see the stars?”
Anthony’s eyes shot up and a smile he couldn’t hold back bloomed across his lips. He squeezed Asa’s hand a little tighter in his.
“With pleasure.”
They looked at each other for another long moment in silence. They didn’t need to speak. Something ineffable was passing between them, weaving itself into their gazes, into the rhythm of their breathing.
“Gentlemen.”
They both jumped and abruptly let go of each other’s hands, as if burned. The waiter was smiling at them as he set down their plates. He left quickly, and the two men exchanged a glance. Once again, they couldn’t suppress a small nervous laugh.
“We are definitely not discreet, angel,” Anthony commented, rubbing at his eyes.
“I can’t say otherwise, my dear.”
There was a suspended second, as if time itself had stopped. They stared at each other, eyes wide and slightly stunned.
“I don’t know, I… sorry, it just slipped out,” Anthony apologised hastily.
“No, me neither, I… never mind,” Asa nearly stammered.
“Angel.” “My dear.” Strangely, it sounded so right to Asa. Almost as if they had never been more sincere, more real. Some kind of bubble outside time and space. But it made no sense.
He shook his head and looked back at Anthony. He seemed troubled too, his brows drawn together. But when their eyes met again, Asa smiled at him and he seemed to relax. Anthony cleared his throat and turned his attention back to his meal. The moment seemed to have passed, the unease almost gone. All that remained was a vague impression of something once known and forgotten. It had only been a few seconds of confusion.
“I realise I’ve been talking and talking… monopolising the conversation. Tell me about yourself, Asa, please.”
“What would you like to know? I’m just a teacher who became a bookseller. There’s nothing exciting about that…”
“I disagree. Tell me, is there something that soothes you the way the stars soothe me?”
Anthony smiled at him before beginning his meal. Asa hesitated for a moment, pushing his food around with the tip of his fork. It smelled delicious. But strangely enough, he wasn’t very hungry.
“Well, I really love my work at the bookshop. Being surrounded by books soothes me a great deal. I love the smell of old books, the feel of their covers, the sound of pages turning… And of course, working in a bookshop gives me the chance to read as much as I want.”
Anthony was looking at him with a benevolent expression. And even… captivated? Asa felt himself blush.
“You know, reading is a kind of escape. The world around us disappears and we can travel to the far reaches of the universe and imagination. I turn the pages and the story unfolds. It is immutable. I can read and reread a book. Sometimes, I wish for a different ending even though I know perfectly well that it isn’t possible. It’s something a little strange and magical all at once. And… I feel less alone… I’m surrounded by a thousand characters who become my friends or my enemies, who make me laugh or cry… Reading is something that never truly ends, and there’s something… very reassuring in knowing I will never reach its end.”
As he spoke, Asa’s gaze moved between his plate and Anthony’s luminous face. He should have felt embarrassed for revealing so much of himself. And yet, it felt so natural to confide in him. It never even crossed his mind to evade or hide. He had the impression that Anthony could see into the deepest recesses of his soul. Right down to a hidden, secret corner that had never before been touched. And that felt strangely and profoundly pleasant.
Anthony found it difficult to take his eyes off Asa. He had listened to him speak of his love of books and had been deeply moved to see the bookseller’s eyes shining. Two stars in his blue irises.
Anthony was cutting his food more than he was eating it. Truthfully, he wasn’t really hungry. His whole body was tense in Asa’s presence. The thought of swallowing any kind of food — while looking into his eyes as he enthused about the latest novel he was reading — made his stomach knot.
Anthony Crowley was no heartbreaker. He had been alone for most of his life. In truth, there had only ever been his telescope that truly mattered. His closest companions were his colleagues at the laboratory. There had only been the occasional lovers who occupied his flat for a single night. Anthony knew he was attractive, and when loneliness became too hard to bear, he usually had little trouble finding someone to warm his bed. But his life revolved around stars, planets, and the laws of gravity. His head in the clouds, the world below held very little interest for him.
And yet tonight, he found himself seated in this little bistro with a bookseller. This wasn’t like his one-night conquests. This was the fourth time they had seen each other, and each time Asa had drawn a little closer to him. And for the first time in his life, Anthony couldn’t tell whether he ought to run or throw himself into the innocent bookseller’s arms.
The duality of what he felt made him slightly dizzy. One part of him — that unsociable, taciturn little voice — wanted him to leave as quickly as possible. It saw Asa as a danger to his stability. And yet, Anthony remained seated there, his chin resting in his hand, drinking in every word the other man said. Deep down, he had no desire to run.
He couldn’t help smiling when he saw a gentle flush darken Asa’s face. He then noticed that he had fallen silent and was now looking at him with an almost sheepish expression.
“This time, I’m the one who monopolised the conversation,” he joked in a slightly rough voice, looking away.
“I really love hearing you talk about books. You make me want to rush to your shop and have you pick out a stack for the next few days. I’m sure you have excellent taste… in books, that is,” he added teasingly.
Asa blushed even harder and Anthony couldn’t help smiling. An impulse seized him and he took his hand in his own. A jolt shot down his spine and made him shiver. He plunged his gaze into Asa’s blue eyes. Usually as blue as a summer sky, they had darkened now, cloudier somehow. Something was simmering within him, and Anthony was dying to be there when the handsome bookseller finally let go of his precious books and surrendered to the present moment.
“I’d have no trouble finding books you’d like. And besides, I think I have good taste in plenty of other things…”
“Such as?”
Asa looked away, nibbling at his lips. Then he fixed his gaze back on his. Slightly shy, but playful too.
“I did invite you to dinner, didn’t I?”
Anthony couldn’t hold back a laugh and squeezed Asa’s hand tighter in his. Their eyes met, full of mischief and complicity that made Anthony’s heart beat faster. Yes, Asa was unlike anyone he had ever known. He loved that he dared to tease him so gently. Up until now, it had mostly been Anthony who had flirted more openly, and he was delighted to see Asa beginning to play along.
And yet, a vague unease cooled him slightly. It was one thing to tease the handsome and innocent bookseller. It was amusing. He liked making him blush and there were no real consequences to it. But it was quite another thing for Asa to answer him like this. Suddenly, everything became more serious, more real. And that could be dangerous. Because Asa was not one of those passing men. He knew that with an almost painful certainty.
Anthony cleared his throat and let go of Asa’s hand. He caught a flicker of confusion in his eyes and quickly fixed his gaze on his still nearly untouched plate.
“Perhaps we should finish our meal…” he said.
He needed a pause, a moment to breathe, to gather himself. And meeting Asa’s mischievous gaze certainly wasn’t helping.
They ate at first in a silence that was ultimately rather pleasant. The sound of cutlery against plates, the soft, shifting glow of the candlelight. It soothed Anthony. Little by little, conversation returned. Light and fluid. They joked, and as their glasses of wine gradually emptied, their teasing grew bolder.
Asa gave one last stroke of his spoon through his dessert and let out a small sigh of pleasure as he savoured the final bite. Despite himself, Anthony couldn’t take his eyes off him. The outside world had disappeared. They could hear the murmur of the other diners’ conversations, but it became little more than a soft melody wrapping them in a protective cocoon. Night had long since fallen, and the dim lighting of the bistro had drawn them closer together. He didn’t want to miss a single detail of Asa’s face. His raised brows, his smiles, and the adorable little dimple that curved his cheeks.
Anthony could easily have stayed there for hours more, talking with Asa. It felt as though they would never run out of things to say. But the evening was growing late, the meal was finished. So, almost reluctantly, he asked for the bill.
“I’m paying my share,” Asa declared, searching in his jacket pocket.
“No, no. You listened to me ramble about astrophysics, so you deserve a reward,” Anthony joked as he handed his card to the waiter.
“It wasn’t unpleasant, you know,” Asa retorted.
Anthony was touched by the sincerity of that statement. Apart from his colleagues, he had never met anyone who genuinely enjoyed listening to him talk for hours about his passion. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of that.
Outside, the night was a little chilly. The murmur of the city filled the air. Cars, pedestrians on foot and bicycle. A kind of diffuse and reassuring bustle. They looked at one another, slightly hesitant.
“Shall I walk you home?” Anthony offered.
He hoped he would say yes. And yet, he couldn’t help feeling a slight anxiety. This fourth date was different from the previous three. Before, things had been lighter, their conversations more superficial as they got to know each other. But tonight… something between them had shifted. The axis of their relationship had moved. Anthony still couldn’t name the disturbance he felt. It was a thought lingering at the edge of his consciousness. Discreet, evolving in shadow. But definitely there.
“With pleasure.”
Asa answered without hesitation, with enthusiasm. Anthony couldn’t help smiling. His hand brushed against his back to invite him forward. It had been instinctive, an unthinking movement and yet one that felt profoundly right.
At first, they walked in silence. Anthony was lost in thought. And above all, he was unsettled by the sadness he felt with every step that brought him closer to Asa’s home and closer to the end of their evening.
“Is everything alright?” the bookseller asked.
Anthony almost startled and turned his head towards him. Be honest, or hide?
“Yes, yes. I… I was lost in thought,” he replied evasively.
“And were they pleasant thoughts?”
Anthony slowed his pace and Asa did the same. He was smiling peacefully. A gentle, welcoming face. One that invited confidence.
“I’m not really sure,” he finally admitted.
He lengthened his stride again, as if to flee his unease. You can run, but you can’t hide. Asa adjusted his pace and seemed to understand that Anthony needed a little silence. He didn’t look offended at all. They walked on in comfortable quiet. That too was new. Usually, the company of others made Anthony uneasy. But with Asa, he felt almost… safe. The thought shook him. He wasn’t ready to admit it yet.
“With all this light pollution, you can’t see the stars. It’s a shame,” he blurted out suddenly.
He desperately needed to think of something else.
“You’ll have to take me somewhere we can look at them properly,” Asa replied dreamily.
“It truly doesn’t bother you that my conversation mostly revolves around astrophysics?”
“No. I like hearing you talk about it. You seem peaceful. Happy.”
Anthony pondered that answer for a moment. He felt terribly moved, and he was grateful the darkness concealed the moisture gathering in his eyes.
“Thank you…” he murmured.
It was the only thing to say. A tiny word that meant everything. And more. He met Asa’s gaze. It was shining, and he was smiling. His face was like one of those stars he loved so much. And Anthony felt himself drawn to him with terrifying force.
His hand brushed against Asa’s and he shivered at the contact. Gently, he traced the back of his hand with his fingertips. He hoped Asa could understand all that he felt and could not say.
They arrived far too quickly at Asa’s front door. Anthony shoved his hands into his pockets, hesitating. A streetlamp illuminated Asa’s face. He looked like an angel who had come down to earth for him alone.
“Well… here you are home… I… thank you for this evening, Asa,” Anthony stammered slightly.
He couldn’t stop gazing at the glow of the streetlamp reflected in his blue eyes. His throat was tight, and an immense, soft, warm emotion was rising inside him.
“Thank you. It was… truly perfect,” Asa replied with a smile.
“I… I wish this evening didn’t have to end,” he admitted softly.
“Me too…” the bookseller answered gently.
Their eyes never left each other. Anthony wanted to move closer, to reach out and delicately brush his cheek. His fingers almost ached with the need, and his heart was beating fast in his chest.
“You’ll take me to see the stars?”
“On our next date,” Anthony answered immediately, without thinking. “Very soon.”
Asa’s smile was like a fiery star. Then, unable to resist any longer, Anthony stepped closer to him with slow steps. He searched his eyes for refusal, for hesitation. But there was only a spark there that seemed to invite him to come even closer.
Their bodies were almost touching. The air between them crackled with sparks that made his head spin. Slowly, he raised his hand to Asa’s cheek. He savoured the softness of his skin, his breath catching between parted lips. His gaze dropped to them. They drew him in, a gravity that seized him and stripped him of all fear. Gently, he leaned his face closer to Asa’s, whose cheeks were adorably flushed. Without thinking, he slipped one hand around his back as though to keep him there. In that moment, Anthony understood that he would not have survived rejection.
Softly, his lips brushed against Asa’s. The scent of his cologne was enough to make him lose his mind. Then, at last, their breaths joined. The kiss was a little awkward at first, but very quickly their bodies found a way to speak to one another. Anthony held Asa tightly in his arms, as though the slightest sliver of space between them were a kind of heresy.
He had never kissed anyone like this. He had never felt anything like this. Warmth spread through his entire being, shaking him to his core. He kissed him the way one cares for something precious. Something beyond price.
He was startled when Asa nipped at his lip, and shivers raced through every fibre of his body. Like a burn beneath his skin that he hoped would never fade. Anthony answered the kiss with sudden fervour, letting free the desire humming low in his body. He could feel Asa’s restraint and shyness falling away, giving rise to something more intense. Eventually, they broke apart, almost reluctantly.
He kept him held tightly in his arms. He wasn’t ready to let go, not yet, not to allow him to slip away. Their eyes met, and the smile dancing across their lips held something pure, powerful, and authentic.
Asa stepped back slowly, still holding Anthony’s hand as though he couldn’t quite bring himself to break the contact entirely.
“Goodnight, Anthony,” he breathed in a slightly rough voice.
“Goodnight, Asa. See you very soon.”
And that was a promise.
Asa took a few steps back and their hands finally parted. He gave him a slightly shy smile, then turned towards the door. Anthony watched him fumble a little with the key in the lock. Asa gave him a small wave. Then he disappeared inside.
Anthony remained there for a moment, staring at that blue door. He felt light and alive. Deeply and irreversibly alive. He lifted a hand to his lips and brushed them gently. Asa’s taste still lingered there, and he hoped it would never fade. He had spent his life gazing at the stars. And he had found someone who made him want to keep his feet on the ground.
Then Anthony was struck by the fleeting impression that he had been waiting for this moment for years.
Perhaps even for centuries.