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“Hindi. Ayoko.” the younger male says, voice hardening and firm as he looks at his boyfriend in front of him. It was raining hard that night, the sound of the heavy downpour muffled by their car. Stell, and his boyfriend Justin, were seated inside the former’s car. They had just come from a small event together with the rest of the group and the younger male had volunteered to drive both he and his lover home. The ride back was quiet, which made the former feel unsettled. It was unusual for Stell to be this silent, especially after a joyous event. They’d been together for years now, and Justin was confident that something was bothering the older male. But no amount of years spent together could have made Justin predict what the other had to say.
“Tapusin na natin ‘to, Jah.” the older male finally said, his voice quiet and shaky. He looked down at his lap, fidgeting with his fingers, something he does when he’s nervous or on the verge of tears. In this case, it was both. The silence inside the vehicle was loud and uncomfortable, both men holding their breaths, waiting for the other to speak up and react. The younger male was waiting for the other to laugh, point at him, and shout it was all a prank. He feels tears pool at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill the longer this goes on. He waits for a minute, letting the deafening silence around them stretch longer. Justin closes his mouth, opens it again, and yet no sound comes out.
Stell shifts from his place, now looking at the teary-eyed man in front of him. He feels his heart shatter at the sight, never having gotten used to seeing the younger male getting so emotional. He pursed his lips, still fidgeting with his fingers. Stell waits for a reaction, an angry outburst perhaps, from the man in front of him. A reaction that would never come, after all, he too had known Justin long enough to know that this isn't enough to get the younger male mad. He’d be hurt, but he never was once mad at the older male. A fact Stell couldn’t help but be happy and sad about at the same time.
“Mal, what are you talking about? Sa’n galing ‘to?” the younger man asks, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence that had wrapped around them. Both men heard the way his voice shook but neither had the heart to point it out. Justin reaches out, trying to get hold of the other male’s hands but fails to do so, the latter pulling away and shrinking into himself. The younger’s heart aches at the gesture, as though pierced by the sharpest knife. He sniffles to himself, finally allowing a few tears to stream down his cheeks. He lets out a humorless laugh, turning to look outside the window and turning back to the other male once more.
“Mal, magsalita ka naman, oh. Ano…” he trails off, voice breaking. Stell stares at the crying man in front of him, his own eyes welling up with tears. He raises his hands, wiping them across his face before heaving a sigh. He turns to the other man and speaks, his voice evidently shaking and strained. “Let’s break up. Ayoko na, Justin. Pagod na’ko.” he finally lets out, looking straight into the other boy’s eyes. He sees the way the tears start forming in the latter’s eyes, and he immediately averts his gaze, afraid it would weaken his resolve.
Justin remains frozen in his seat, fully aware of the stream of tears running down his cheeks. He’s taking his time to process the other male’s words, something inside him still refusing to believe what he’s hearing. It takes him a moment to recover and pull himself together, bringing his hands to his face and fruitlessly wiping away his tears.
“Bakit? May nagawa ba ‘ko? Galit ka ba sa’kin? ‘Di na ba pwedeng pag-usapan ‘to, Stell?” sunod-sunod na tanong ng nakababata, humihikbi at garalgal ang boses. Stell feels his heart shatter at the sound of his name being uttered from the younger’s lips, his resolve shattering bit by bit. Stell heaves another sigh, reaching out behind the younger man and pressing the passenger door lock button, the younger’s gaze following his movements. He pulls back once he’s done, turning around to open the door on his side. He turns to look at the younger man, who was still crying and looking at him.“Umuwi ka na. Use the car for now, ibalik mo nalang sa susunod.” he mutters towards the latter, pushing his door open and stepping out the car.
He feels the rain soak through his clothes and pays it no mind, walking straight to the direction of his building. He hasn’t made it halfway through when he hears the slam of the door behind him, followed by hurried footsteps. He feels his arm yanked back and is met with the hard chest of the younger man. He feels the way the latter’s arm circle around his waist and his back, the grip becoming tighter and tighter. He pulls himself out of his thoughts, fighting back against the other man’s hold and trying to push him away. Despite his size, Justin’s strength overpowers Stell and the latter is left with no choice but to allow himself to be cradled by his lover’s arms, burying his face in the latter’s soaked clothes.
“Umalis ka na, Justin. Nagmamakaawa ako sa’yo. Leave, please....please.” Stell says, whispering against the younger’s chest. The rain is soaking them right to their bones and yet, neither cares. Justin finally pulls back, just enough for him to be able to look at the older male’s face. He struggles against the neverending raindrops falling right onto his face, but he pays it no mind, blinking away the water in his eyes as he stares at the man in front of him. He shakes his head, pulling the other man closer once again, cradling the back of his head.
“Ayoko. Kung ano man ‘to, pag-usapan natin, please. Ayokong mawala ka, ayoko ng ganito. Stell. Mahal. Please....please. Ayoko.” Justin mutters heartbreakingly against his lover’s ear, pulling him closer and stubbornly shaking his head. He murmurs countless "no"s, "pleases," and "sorry", each word piercing Stell’s heart one after another. They stay like that for a short while, the older male still trying to get away from the younger’s hold, and the latter’s grip only tightening in retaliation.
“Wala nang kailangan pag-usapan, Jah. We both know how this is going to end, kaya ngayon pa lang, tapusin na natin to.” Stell finally says, finally succeeding in pushing the other man away. He’s thankful the rain’s covering the sound of his quivering voice, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if the younger male uses his tone against him and weakens his own resolve. “Mapapagod ka rin, Jah. Kasi ako? Pagod na pagod na ‘ko. Pagod na ‘kong magtago, matakot, at husgahan dahil lang sa pinili kitang mahalin. Walang mali sa’tin, Jah. Wag mo sanang isipin na nagkamali ako sa pagpili sa’yo, satin.” dagdag niya, humihikbi at umiiyak. “But because of this, sa sitwasyon natin ngayon, nauubos na ‘ko, Jah. Minsan, I question myself kung kaya ko po ba, kung okay pa ba ‘ko. And the answer’s always no. Ayoko na, Jah. Ayoko na.” he finishes, wiping pointlessly at his face.
Justin freezes, staring at the man baring his heart and mind in front of him. He never thought his lover had been thinking like this, had been hurting like this. He wishes he could ease the pain the other is feeling right now, cradle him in his arms, and rest the other’s head on his shoulder. He wishes he could do what the other is asking from him, but he can’t. He wants to be selfish, tell the older male that he won’t agree to any of this. And he does, because what else can he do now but fight for the both of them, for what they have, lalo na ngayon na sumusuko na ang isa sa kanila.
“So gano’n nalang? Dahil lang ba pagod ka na, ako din? Why are you deciding for me? Alam mo na ba mangyayari? Nakakasiguro ka ba talaga na mapapagod ako? Eh, ano naman?” Justin replies, voice firm and loud albeit shaking. He looks straight at Stell, his tears hidden because of the rain, but his eyes piercing and determined. “Ano naman kung mapapagod ako? Pwede naman magpahinga, pause, breathe at tsaka sasabak ulit. Kung pagod ka na, edi magpahinga ka. Do whatever will help you rest, whatever helps you heal. Tapos bumalik ka, bumalik ka sakin. For the meantime, pwede namang ako muna ang lumaban para satin. Let me fight for what we have. Hayaan mo ‘kong mahalin ka at ang sarili ko enough for the both of us.” he continues through tears and hiccups, reaching out and holding onto Stell’s hands. “Gawin mo lahat ng kailangan mong gawin, ‘wag mo lang ako iwan. Please, Stell. Please.” he finishes, his sobs getting louder as he moves to kneel in front of the older man.
Stell is taken aback, surprised by the younger man’s words. He gathers himself and pulls the latter up, struggling against the other male’s resolve. His heart shattered listening to his lover’s words, how selfless and pleading it felt. After futile attempts of pulling the younger up, he drops down to his knees, leveling the latter’s face with his eyes. He cups his hands around the other man’s face, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes. He feels his chest tighten at the heartbreaking sight of his beloved, eyes red and puffy from crying, and his lips trembling and bleeding from biting down too hard. The rain hasn’t stopped, and it seems it won’t be stopping anytime soon. Stell feels worry surge in his heart, afraid that his boyfriend will get sick after this. And so he looks the latter dead in the eye and finally speaks.
“I can’t do this anymore, Jah. I have to do this, kahit masakit. For you, for me, and for the both of us.” he says, attempting to steady his voice as he looks at the sobbing man in front of him. He sees the way the light in his lover’s eye dims, as his mouth quivers and produces a choked sound. “Hayaan mo munang lumayo tayo sa isa’t isa. Let’s allow ourselves to grow outside of what we have. Magpahinga muna tayo, hanapin ang mga sarili natin. And if we can, let us try again in love. Alam ‘kong masakit para sa’yo lahat ng ‘to, and it hurts me too. Pero we have to try anyway, even if it hurts. Kasi do’n tayo mas lumalakas, mas tumitibay, at mas natututo.” he continues, cradling his lover’s face in his hands, smiling when he feels the younger lean into his touch.
Justin stares at the older male, his gaze sullen and deep. Stell feels himself offer a small, reassuring smile in return, hoping to convince the younger. Justin takes a few minutes searching his lover’s face, as though looking for something specific and different. Finally, he nods, offering a small smile of his own in return.
“We’re not breaking up, are we? Cool off lang? Diba?” he asks, making sure he understood the other’s words properly. Stell feels himself nod in reply as he opens his mouth. “Pangako. Babalik ako. And when I do, I will be braver, more ready, and healed. Ako naman ang lalaban at magmamahal para satin.” he says, smiling at the younger man in front of him. “It will be selfish of me to ask pero sana, kapag pwede na at kapag kaya ko na, nandito ka pa rin. Sana hintayin mo ‘ko, and should the time come na ‘di mo na kaya, sabihan mo lang ako, okay?” he continues.
“It’s not selfish kung ako mismo ang pinipiling hintayin ka. I will be here, waiting for you, always. Mahal na mahal kita, Stell Ajero. ” Justin says, pulling the older male closer and burying his face against the latter’s shoulder. Stell smiles in the younger’s embrace, reciprocating the gesture and tightening his hold. “Mahal na mahal din kita, Justin De Dios.”
They stay that way for a long while, uncaring of anything else in the world. The rain doesn’t feel as heavy and punishing as it did before. And though they still have to part ways and bid each other goodbyes, it doesn’t feel as though this parting will be the last of them. Somewhere, deep down, alam nilang babalik din sila sa isa’t isa, and that just because they aren’t together now doesn't mean they won’t be together until the end of time. After all, goodbyes aren’t always final; it could also mean a “see you soon”, and this time around, it was the latter that they had.