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Niran couldn’t stop thinking about Pete. Even if he wanted to, the world wouldn’t let him. Maybe it was heaven’s curse. Maybe it was heaven’s blessing.
Pete was asleep. His energy was stable. Niran could feel it, feel the calm of someone blissfully unaware. When Pete woke up, he’d find out what Niran had done. Without his permission. Without his consent. Pete wasn’t a Wu, but surely he’d feel the strangeness that now hung around Niran as well.
When Niran walked through town, he passed people in line at bars, saw a cashier inside a 24/7 convenience store, spotted the drivers of late-night cars. And all of them – all of them – looked like Pete. It was a side effect of the ritual, he knew. It would wear off with time, when his soul stopped trying to find its new pair in every face. Niran would avoid going into town until then. He’d avoid Pete too, as much as he could. He didn’t want to see the disappointment and resentment on the other’s face.
Even now, seeing Pete in the face of strangers, guilt was already clawing through his veins.
The soul binding ritual was not so powerful that Niran could feel every emotion or moment of Pete’s life, and yet he was sure he knew when Pete woke up. Any second now, Fei would explain what Niran had done. Just like he’d asked her to.
She’d do it for him, because she’d clocked him weeks ago.
“You care about this guy a lot, hm?” she’d said.
“You seem to trust him way more than I expected,” she’d said.
“You want to believe in Pete most of all, right?” she’d said.
And Niran had avoided her questions, silent so his voice didn’t betray him. How could he defend himself when she had been right the whole time? Niran wasn’t a fool. He’d noticed his attachment to Pete long before anyone could call him on it. But, like an addict, he refused to admit he had a problem.
But he also knew Pete didn’t like him the same way. It didn’t matter how much Niran liked him, felt like he was falling too fast in love with him. He couldn’t force these feelings on Pete.
And yet he’d forced the soul bonding ritual on him.
Niran didn’t go back to the room that night. He slept on the couch, listening to the sounds of the house as if he too had macaque powers. He woke with the first light of the morning and left as soon as he heard movement in the upstairs room. He walked without destination, because it turned out he was a coward. He didn’t know how to face what he’d done, so he was running.
Pete found him anyway, also running from the side effects of the bond. And though Pete was flustered about their new situation, he didn’t seem angry. In fact, he was surprisingly accepting of it. He listened to the explanation of the side effects and only seemed frustrated about the timeline. Then came the question Niran had expected.
“So does that mean... between us.... I mean, am I gonna start having feelings for you?”
“Idiot, why would you ask that? Of course not,” Niran answered instantly, loudly, frowning. He frowned, not because he disliked the question but because he disliked the implication. Pete did not have feelings for him. It really was one-sided.
“Oh.” Pete frowned too, looked down at his drink. “Okay.”
“It’s a soul binding ritual, not a love potion,” Niran assured, trying to deflect from his own disappointment and calm Pete. Though he knew it was a lie, he added, “All kinds of people do it. It’s normal.”
“Oh?” Pete’s brow knit and he motioned back toward the house. “But P’Fei said it’s not something people normally do.”
Well, shit. So much for Niran’s plan to deflect. His sister had to go running her big mouth.
Pete took a swig from his bottle, his long neck on display, and then dropped to a squat. “Ah, damn,” he sighed. He pushed his hair back from his face and glanced out at the lake. “So we’re bound together until we die, right? No matter what, together forever?”
Niran swallowed his guilt. Quietly, he said, “Yeah. That’s about it.”
“Do you regret it?” Pete asked, glancing up at Niran. “I know you need me for the Qi Rong ritual, but you were forced to perform a soul binding ritual with me, of all people. All because I lost control.”
“No. I don’t,” Niran said quickly. He’d do it again to save Pete. “I don’t regret it, but –”
Pete’s head tilted to the side, curiously. “But?”
Shit. The words Niran had been holding in his chest threatened to spill from his lips, but he couldn’t burden Pete with more of his bad decisions. Not now.
“Man, aren’t you angry?” Niran asked instead.
“No.” Pete stood up again. His eyes were so soft, Niran thought he would melt. “Dude, you saved my life. Besides... what’s wrong with being bound to you forever?”
If there was breath still in Niran’s lungs, he forgot how to use it. He was a little boy again, cast out from the other kids, alone in a house without his family. He was a young boy, on the fringes of the Wu because he dared to question tradition. He was a teenager, choosing to be an outcast so he could make money to help those who’s mistreatment led to the creation of powerful yao. He was a young man, no longer alone, standing by a lake with the man he kept falling in love with. And the man he loved was saying he didn’t mind being with Niran forever.
“Pete-”
“It’s okay,” Pete said, smiling. “I can tell by looking in your eyes. You wouldn’t hurt me. And I won’t hurt you either.”
So damn trusting after such a short time. Niran would scold Pete, but Niran had done much worse. He’d gone and fucking fallen in love.
“Idiot,” Niran said, still feeling breathless. “If you don’t want to hurt me, then you have to take care of yourself. Live a long life.”
And Niran would be careful too. He’d take less risks. He couldn’t be the reason Pete was taken out of the world.
Pete’s smile looked calm, but there was a faint twitch to his lips that made Niran wonder what he was really thinking. He said he was okay with everything, but were there doubts in his heart? Or was he serious and he was okay being with Niran forever? Would he find Niran’s feelings repulsive or would he tell Niran it was okay? Would he put his hand on Niran’s shoulder and say he could stay anyway? Had Niran found a soul mate in more ways than one?
“Hey, are you sure that ritual isn’t affecting my feelings?” Pete asked.
“Y-Yeah,” Niran said. “We’ll be more aware of each other, and we can help balance each other’s energies, but it won’t have emotional transference. Why do you ask?”
Pete tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Well, I was kinda hoping I could blame the ritual, but I guess it didn’t happen overnight.” He smirked a little as he looked at Niran. “Emotional transference, you say?”
“O-oh! Uh- I meant -” Well he hadn’t meant to confess like that. But then, what had Pete just said?
Pete stepped closer and tapped Niran on the cheek with his bottle. It was still cold. Niran reached up to wipe the condensation from his skin, but his eyes were on Pete. His chest was warm and cold at the same time, too full with hope and fear. Despite what Niran had said about their bond, he wondered if Pete could sense the turmoil inside him.
“It’s okay, Niran.” Pete said, and he was definitely smiling now. No doubts about it. “I get it.” He leaned closer. “I really get it.”
He took Niran’s wrist and raised his hand up to rest on Pete’s chest, then he mimicked it by putting his free hand on Niran’s chest, right over his heart.
“I wasn’t lying, you know. I want to help you carry the load. I didn’t mean just until we defeat Qi Rong.” Pete’s fingers clenched around Niran’s shirt. His smile faltered and his eyes glanced away. “I guess, I was still coming to terms with... the way I feel. But you just said you feel something for me too, didn’t you?”
Niran’s fingers twitched against Pete’s chest, his lips parted but no words came out. Even with Pete standing in front of him, admitting to feelings Niran yearned for, he couldn’t bring himself to say a confession of his own. What if Pete left? What if he got hurt? What if –
“You bound our souls together, so shouldn’t you be able to tell?” Pete tilted his head slightly, his bangs falling in his eyes. “I already decided to give my life to you.”
“But why?” Niran asked quietly.
“Hm.” Pete pressed his lips together as if thinking. Then he grinned. “I guess because I’ve fallen for you. Is that a good enough reason?”
Niran clenched Pete’s shirt in his fingers and tugged him forward. He wrapped his arms around Pete, holding their bodies close and burying his face in Pete’s neck. He’d been so worried, felt so guilty about the choice he’d made. But Pete liked him too? Niran’s feelings weren’t one sided. He wasn’t going to lose Pete.
“Pete,” he said into Pete’s skin and felt himself starting to shake.
Pete’s hand settled in his hair and held him close. “It’s okay, Niran.” He tightened his arm around Niran and let out a low breath. “Ritual or not, you weren’t gonna get rid of me anyway.”
They had found each other. They were bound together. They could soon lose each other. Maybe it was heaven’s curse. Maybe it was heaven’s blessing. Niran believed heaven was on their side. And even if it wasn’t, he wasn’t going to let go of Pete. They had been bound out of necessity, and now they were bound by choice.
“Let’s stay together forever.”
“Yeah.”