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It's been a month, and Wanderer still thinks about the kiss every day.
It's deeply annoying.
He has survived centuries of grief, betrayal, and disappointment. He has endured things that should have broken him beyond repair. And yet, his greatest weakness turns out to be one desert-dweller with a nice smile and bright eyes.
It's humiliating.
Wanderer is halfway through reorganizing the same shelf for the third time when someone knocks on the door.
He immediately knows who it is since there’s only one person who would dare to bother him at this time of the day.
He closes his eyes for a moment and sighs, already knowing he's about to get a headache.
"Come in."
The door opens to reveal Nahida, who takes one look at him and smiles.
Wanderer instantly dislikes what that smile implies.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Did you come here to annoy me over nothing?”
"You've been reorganizing your bookshelf all day."
His hand freezes against the book he's holding, a scowl appearing on his face.
"Don't you have more important things to do?"
"I do."
"Then go do them."
Instead of leaving, Nahida walks over and settles into the chair by his desk comfortably as if she intends to stay.
Wanderer considers climbing out the window and flying away, but he knows it's useless because Nahida will still corner him later to talk.
They sit in silence for several moments.
"Have you spoken to Sethos recently?"
Nahida asks that question a little too innocently and Wanderer nearly drops the book.
He recovers quickly, but it's not quick enough judging by the way Nahida smiles at him.
"No." He responds through his teeth.
Nahida hums, sounding suspiciously knowing.
"I see."
"... I told you to stop reading my mind."
"I’m not."
Wanderer glares, but Nahida remains entirely unbothered.
"It's none of your business."
"No," she agrees easily. "It isn't."
That isn't the response he expected, which makes his irritation falter.
Nahida folds her hands in her lap.
"I was just worried."
"You shouldn't be."
"No?"
"No."
She gives him that knowing smile again, and Wanderer wishes she would stop doing that.
The room falls quiet.
He can hear birds singing in the distance and the rustling of leaves outside.
He would have found them peaceful a month ago. Now it feels wrong because something important is missing.
He hates that feeling.
More importantly, he hates knowing exactly what is missing.
Nahida watches him for a long moment before speaking again.
"You miss him."
Wanderer immediately looks away because the words sting deeply.
"I don't."
"Hat Guy.”
His chest tightens painfully, but he ignores her words as he returns to reorganizing the bookshelf.
Silence falls over them again, and it's more uncomfortable than the last.
"You know," she says, "I've met many people who were afraid of being abandoned."
Wanderer freezes.
"I've met people who pushed others away before they could get hurt."
The book he's holding suddenly feels very heavy in his hands.
"Very few of them were actually protecting themselves.” Nahida's voice softens as she says it.
Wanderer doesn't move. He tries not to react because he already knows where this conversation is going.
The room feels smaller. Suffocating.
He stares at the shelf in front of him, forcing himself to focus on the books. At anything except her because if he looks at Nahida, he might have to acknowledge that she's right, and he isn't ready for that yet.
After another long silence, Nahida asks:
"Do you know what I think?"
"I don't care."
"I think you're lonely."
"I'm not lonely."
The denial is immediate, slipping out from his lips way too fast, automatic from how many times he's said it now.
Nahida doesn't argue, finally rising from the chair towards the door. She pauses before stepping outside.
"Sethos was here recently to discuss some things.”
Wanderer's stops his movements, but he doesn't look back.
"He asked how you were doing. He wanted to make sure you were alright.”
Everything else disappears after those words.
It's been a month since they last spoke. A month since he broke Sethos’ heart and ended things between them, and yet he still asks about him? He still cares about his well-being?
Nahida watches his reaction for a moment, and then just as she's leaving, "don't do this to yourself, Jun." Then the door clicks shut behind her.
Wanderer remains standing exactly where he is.
“He wanted to make sure you were alright.”
Wanderer laughs bitterly, the sound hollow in the empty room.
Of course he did. That's the kind of person Sethos is.
Even after having his heart broken, he still worried about other people. Especially those who didn't deserve it.
"... Foolish,” he mutters to himself, dragging a hand down his face.
He finally allows himself to consider something he has spent the past month avoiding.
What if he was wrong?
Nahida’s words refuse to leave him alone. “Don't do this to yourself, Jun.”
He knows exactly what she meant.
No one had taken Sethos away from him. No one had forced them apart, and there was no betrayal. No tragedy.
Just him who had been so afraid of losing something precious that he'd thrown it away himself.
For a long time, Wanderer simply stands there. He's alone with his thoughts, the regret nagging at him.
For the first time since Sethos left, he wonders whether it's too late to fix what he's broken.
———
The thought of fixing things follows him for the rest of the day. And the next morning. And the morning after that.
No matter what he does, the thought doesn't disappear, becoming impossible to ignore as days pass.
By the end of the week, Wanderer is thoroughly done with himself.
Which is why finding Cyno outside one of the Akademiya buildings feels less like a coincidence and more like a punishment.
He nearly turns around and leaves as if he didn't see anything.
Unfortunately, Cyno notices him before he can.
"Hat Guy."
Wanderer regrets leaving his room today.
"What do you want?"
"To talk."
Wanderer sighs.
"You're impossible."
"No. I'm the General Mahamatra.”
A pause as they stare at each other.
Wanderer rolls his eyes while Cyno remains completely serious.
Students pass by around them, paying little attention to the awkward silence.
Cyno breaks the silence first. "Have you spoken to Sethos?"
Wanderer narrows his eyes.
Apparently everyone in Sumeru had decided to make his life miserable this month.
"I haven't."
Cyno studies him, not judgmentally. Just quietly reading him as if waiting for something.
"What?"
"You should."
Wanderer doesn't hesitate with his response. "No."
"Why?"
Because he doesn't know what he will do if Sethos rejects him.
He shrugs, tipping his hat over his face instead of telling the truth.
"I don't see the point."
For the first time, something shifts in Cyno's expression. He looks disappointed.
"Then you're a bigger coward than I thought."
Wanderer is taken aback.
"... Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
The fact that Cyno sounds completely sincere somehow makes the insult worse.
"I wasn't aware I asked for your opinion."
"You didn't."
Cyno folds his arms over his chest.
"But Sethos spent weeks wondering what he did wrong."
The words hit like a physical blow.
Cyno continues.
"He thought he pushed too hard."
Silence.
"He thought he made you uncomfortable."
Another pause.
"He blamed himself."
Wanderer's guilt is eating at him.
The thought of Sethos assuming it was his fault makes him nauseous.
Cyno keeps watching him closely, but his eyes soften just a bit as he says the one thing Wanderer has spent a month avoiding
"You hurt him."
There’s no anger behind it. He's just telling a painful truth.
It makes things worse.
Cyno isn't even trying to make him feel guilty. He's trying to help in his own way.
Wanderer huffs out, not wanting to show vulnerability.
Cyno’s words make him stop thinking about his own fear and regret. Instead, he thinks about Sethos standing beneath the stars, where he always goes when things go wrong, wondering if everything was his fault.
That image twists painfully inside his chest.
"... I know."
The admission is quiet, barely audible, but the way Cyno’s expression changes tells him he heard it.
"Then fix it."
Wanderer tries to glare at Cyno, even if he knows it's not his fault, but it lacks heat.
"As if it's that simple."
"It’s not."
Cyno places a hand on his shoulder to offer some comfort.
"But it's a start.”
Wanderer stiffens, but relaxes into the touch, nodding his head in acknowledgment.
Cyno removes his hand from Wanderer's shoulder a moment later.
"I have somewhere to be."
“Hmph. Then go.”
There's a pause as Cyno hesitates, and then because he apparently isn't finished tormenting him, he says, "Sethos misses you."
Wanderer’s head snaps up to him, his eyes widening in shock.
But before he can respond, Cyno continues, "but that doesn't mean he'll wait forever."
He gives him one last look, and then he turns and walks away, leaving Wanderer alone with his thoughts.
”Sethos misses you.”
The words echo unpleasantly inside his head.
Wanderer clicks his tongue and turns on his heel.
Enough.
He has already wasted too much time thinking about this. No matter how many times he replays that night, the outcome never changes.
For a month, he'd convinced himself that keeping his distance was the right thing to do, telling himself that Sethos would be better off without him.
He'd done absolutely nothing except make both of them miserable.
Before he can second-guess himself, he changes direction toward the desert.
If Sethos wants nothing to do with him after this, he'll accept it, but he needs to know if there's still a chance to fix things.
———
The desert wind greets him as he leaves Sumeru City behind.
The familiar landscape stretches endlessly before him.
For the first time in a month, Wanderer heads toward the Temple of Silence, his stomach twisting the entire journey.
By the time the village finally comes into view, he feels strangely sick, which is ridiculous. He's tried to become a god before and even faced one, yet the possibility of talking to Sethos feels infinitely more terrifying.
Wanderer lands outside of the temple and immediately regrets coming.
The urge to turn around and leave is overwhelming.
But before he can give in to it and fly away—
"Hat Guy?"
He freezes when he hears that familiar voice. The voice he has been longing to hear for the past month.
Slowly, Wanderer turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Sethos.
The sight of him disarms him.
It's only been a month, but it's been long enough for Wanderer to forget how bright Sethos looks in the sun, like he's being kissed by it.
One look is enough to remind him of how much he's missed this.
Sethos is standing a few feet away, the wind catching the ends of his hair, his eyes wide in surprise.
For one humiliating moment, Wanderer can't stop staring.
He remembers every detail. The faint freckles dusting Sethos’ cheeks, the curve of his smile, the warmth that always seems to radiate from him, even when he's standing perfectly still.
He has spent the last month trying not to think about those things, but seeing Sethos again feels like finding the missing piece he convinced himself that he didn't need.
The worst part is that Sethos still looks relieved to see him. Like he isn't the reason they're standing here after a month of silence.
He'd forgotten how dangerous Sethos is because he makes him want things he swore to himself he'd never let himself want, but here he is dreaming of a future together.
"Hi."
The greeting is so painfully normal that it completely catches Wanderer off guard.
"... Hi."
Brilliant. A month apart and that's the best he can manage.
Sethos shifts his weight awkwardly, catching Wanderer’s attention immediately because the movement feels strange since Sethos is rarely awkward.
Now he looks just as uncertain as Wanderer feels.
The awkward silence stretches, neither seems to know what to do with it.
Sethos clears his throat and glances toward the temple behind him then back at Wanderer.
"You came a long way just to stand there."
Wanderer immediately considers turning around and leaving again before making a fool of himself.
Sethos must notice something on his face because a small laugh escapes him. It's not the bright, effortless laugh Wanderer remembers. It's quieter, almost too careful, like he's afraid of ruining the moment.
Wanderer hates knowing he's the reason for it.
"I..."
His voice dies immediately, not knowing where to start.
Sethos waits patiently just like he always does.
Wanderer suddenly remembers the moment when Sethos had waited for him to make a choice.
He feels weak.
"I owe you an apology."
The words come out rough, struggling to get them out.
Sethos’ face goes blank.
The desert seems to go silent around them.
Sethos looks away, shaking his head tiredly.
"You don't owe me anything."
"Yes, I do."
Sethos laughs humorlessly.
"That's funny."
Wanderer flinches. He's not used to Sethos sounding like that with him.
"Do you know how many times I imagined this conversation?" He asks quietly.
He's not expecting such a question, but Sethos continues before he can answer.
"For weeks, I kept thinking maybe I'd misunderstood something."
His gaze remains fixed somewhere beyond Wanderer's shoulder.
"Maybe I moved too fast."
"Sethos—"
"Maybe I made you uncomfortable."
The guilt hits like a knife in the middle of Wanderer’s chest.
"You didn't."
Sethos goes quiet, his eyes focusing on Wanderer properly. He asks the question Wanderer has been dreading for an entire month.
"Then why?"
The hurt in his voice is so raw that it makes Wanderer flinch again.
He opens his mouth to explain, but nothing comes out.
How is he supposed to explain his fear of abandonment? That the kiss has been the happiest he’d been in years and that terrified him? That he'd panicked because he suddenly had something precious enough to lose?
Sethos waits the same way he had beneath a month ago, still giving Wanderer the choice.
Wanderer looks at him. Really looks at him.
He notices the exhaustion hidden behind Sethos' eyes, but somehow Sethos is still looking at him like he wants Wanderer to choose him.
And for the first time in a very long time, Wanderer decides to tell the truth.
Because he chooses Sethos.
"I was scared."
Sethos blinks, clearly not expecting that answer.
Wanderer scoffs bitterly.
"After the kiss, I couldn't pretend anymore."
His hands tighten into fists.
"I realized how much you meant to me."
The words feel embarrassingly small compared to the truth.
"And suddenly I had something to lose."
Sethos' expression softens with surprise.
"Something to lose?"
Wanderer exhales slowly.
"You. Everything."
He drags a hand over his face.
"I wasn't scared of you. I was scared of how much I cared about you, and I couldn't deal with it."
Sethos lowers his gaze, hurt crossing his face.
"You could've told me that."
The quiet accusation hurts because it's true.
Wanderer swallows.
"I know."
"For a month, I thought I'd done something wrong."
Every word feels like another knife stabbing him.
"I know."
"I thought you regretted kissing me."
Wanderer's head snaps up immediately.
"No."
The response comes so fast that Sethos actually startles at his lack of hesitation.
"I never regretted it. What I regret is leaving.”
The confession hangs between them.
It came too late, perhaps, but he hopes it's enough.
Sethos looks at him, searching his face for something.
Wanderer doesn't know what he finds there, but whatever it is makes Sethos look away first.
"You really hurt me."
The words are quiet, but not cruel. They're honest with all the pain Sethos has been carrying.
"I know."
He grimaces. This time, there are no excuses.
He'd been focused on his own fear without realizing that Sethos has been lonely, too.
"I'm sorry."
The apology feels inadequate. It's hopelessly small compared to the damage he'd done, but it's all he has to offer with words.
Sethos watches him carefully, his eyes still searching.
"... Why are you here now?"
Wanderer could give a dozen different answers, but the truth is that he needs Sethos in his life.
"Because I was wrong."
Sethos goes still.
Wanderer chuckles quietly, bitterly.
"I spent a month convincing myself that pushing you away was the right thing to do."
His gaze drops briefly to the sand beneath his feet.
"It wasn't."
The words feel strangely freeing once they're spoken aloud.
He'd spent a month telling himself he'd done the right thing.
Looking at Sethos now, all he could see was the damage he'd caused.
"I thought I was protecting myself."
He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.
"But I was just hurting both of us."
Sethos remains silent, waiting.
Wanderer almost smiles because even though he hurt him, Sethos is still waiting for him.
It hurts because Sethos shouldn't have to keep waiting for him.
"I don't expect you to forgive me."
Sethos' expression softens in the way it only does for him.
"I don't expect things to go back to how they were."
Wanderer's fingers curl into his palms.
"But I couldn't stay away anymore."
The truth leaves him before he can stop it, but he doesn't regret it, even if he can feel his cheeks heating up.
Sethos exhales shakily.
"Hat Guy..."
"I missed you."
The confession comes out rough and unpolished like he can't keep it in anymore.
"I missed talking to you."
His nails dig into his palms.
"I missed arguing with you."
A faint, unwilling smile tugs at Sethos' mouth. Wanderer presses on before he loses his nerve.
"And I missed you being there."
Something vulnerable flashes across Sethos' face, replacing his faint smile.
Wanderer takes a step forward, giving Sethos the choice this time.
"I'm here because I love you."
The words fall into the silence, and this time no panic follows. All he feels is the relief of telling the truth that he's been hiding for so long.
Sethos has that same blank expression on his face again. The one he gets when he's thinking hard about something.
For one terrifying moment, Wanderer thinks he may have ruined everything again until Sethos snaps him out of it with a laugh.
Wanderer frowns, confused by that reaction, until he realizes Sethos’ eyes suddenly look suspiciously bright with tears.
"You really picked the hardest possible way to tell me that."
Wanderer scowls automatically.
"Sethos."
The snort that escapes Sethos afterward sounds more like the one Wanderer remembers when they banter.
The distance between them doesn't feel impossible anymore.
The moment fades, but the warmth it leaves behind remains.
The desert wind drifts through the temple, stirring loose strands of Sethos' hair. Wanderer finds himself staring again.
It's embarrassing how quickly old habits return.
Sethos catches him immediately, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"What?"
Wanderer narrows his eyes in an attempt to hide his embarrassment.
"Nothing."
"Hmph."
The smile only grows.
Wanderer loves how fond he's become of that smile.
The silence between them doesn't feel awkward anymore. Just fragile like they're both afraid of breaking something they've only just managed to repair.
"You know," Sethos says quietly, "I love you, too."
Wanderer feels his world turning upside down.
The words settle somewhere deep inside him, filling a space he hadn't realized was still empty.
"You do?"
The moment the words leave his mouth, he regrets them.
Sethos blinks at him, but then smiles brightly at him.
"Jun."
Wanderer clicks his tongue.
"It was a reasonable question."
Sethos shakes his head fondly.
"We kissed."
"... That's not the point."
"It feels like the point."
Wanderer groans loudly.
Sethos' laughter grows brighter. Wanderer spent an entire month missing this.
The reminder of how close he came to losing this is unbearable.
Sethos takes a small step forward after he calms down.
"Can I kiss you?"
Wanderer's eyes widen at the unexpected question, his cheeks reddening further.
"You've already done it once."
"That wasn't an answer."
"You're annoying."
A mischievous grin spreads across Sethos' face.
"Still not an answer."
“Tch. You're insufferable.”
He mumbles before reaching out and catching him by the front of his scarf, closing the distance between them until their lips press together.
Sethos melts into the kiss immediately, one hand lifting to rest against Wanderer's chest while the other rests carefully at his waist.
The familiar warmth of him is overwhelming.
Wanderer had spent a month trying to convince himself he could live without this. Without Sethos.
Now that he's here again, he feels ridiculous for ever believing it.
Sethos makes a soft sound against his lips, and Wanderer feels something inside him loosen completely.
The fear that had haunted him for the past month simply isn't there anymore because Sethos is here, and he chose him anyway.
They rest their foreheads together once they break apart.
For a moment, Wanderer simply closes his eyes, enjoying the moment because Sethos is really here.
Despite everything, he's still here.
A thumb brushes lightly against Wanderer's cheek, causing him to open his eyes and smile once he sees the contagious smile on Sethos’ face.
"Jun," Sethos murmurs, "this would've been much easier if you'd talked to me a month ago."
Wanderer rolls his eyes, but it's playful.
"I knew you were going to say that."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
The amusement in Sethos' voice is unbearable.
"I take back everything."
"No, you don't."
"... No, I don't."
Sethos laughs again, his breath hitting Wanderer's lips.
It feels a little like coming home.