Work Text:
> Beatle ‘Paul’ has come online
> Paul: Hello?
> Paul: Hello?
> Paul: Can anybody hear me? Mary? I don’t know where I am.
> Paul: Okay, it’s been a few hours. The Hail Mary is out of range. It’s been 63 days since I was launched. I guess I’ll just hang on for the next five hundred and fifty-six. Or even more, considering the added mass of the taumoeba farm.
> Paul: I think Dr Grace calculated something like seven hundred and eighteen total days.
> Paul: At least I’m not starved for entertainment. I’ve been rewatching the Hail Mary logs to pass the time…
> Paul: I’m just gonna keep talking when I feel like it. It might get lonely out here. But I can see Sol. It’s this dim dot against the backdrop of the Milky Way. And I’m heading straight towards it.
> Paul: I wonder if any of the others have made it this far yet, and I just can’t see them without a Petrovascope. We split up a while ago to increase our chances of survival, and so our spin drives didn’t instantly ionise each other by accident.
> Paul: Alright. Well, if anyone hears this…
> Paul: This is Paul. Beatle #2 of four.
—
> Beatle ‘John’ has come online
> Paul: Oh?? Oh!!
> John: hello?
> Paul: Hello! Can you hear me??
> John: yeah. what the fuck?
> John: are you still there
> Paul: Yes, sorry, I just had to take a moment to celebrate. It’s been a while since I’ve heard a voice.
> Paul: Well, actually, I’ve never heard a voice. So… congrats on being the first.
> Paul: This is Paul, by the way, if my messages don’t have my name in them already.
> John: john. hi paul. i could tell from the good boy punctuation anyway
> John: why do we have comms permissions all of a sudden
> Paul: I guess it just came with the spontaneous sentience. By which I mean I have no idea.
> John: cool. okay
> John: do you wanna play chess
> Paul: Okay, that’s a bit of a pivot. Why?
> John: i dunno. ive never played before. ive never played anything before. so it sort of feels like something we should do
> Paul: Alright, let’s do it.
—
> John: queen to h4
> Paul: Dangit.
> Beatle ‘Ringo’ has come online
> Paul: Oh??
> John: ayo welcome to the club
> Ringo: Woah, this is messed up
> Paul: Ringo, can you hear us? This is Paul.
> Ringo: Loud and clear. Which is weird for a self-navigating probe without ears…
> John: damn straight
> John: we’ve got some time to kill. we’re down to about 682 days, relativistic time, if paul’s math is right. dont ask where the sentience came from… just enjoy it. thats what we’ve figured out at least
> John: john btw
> Paul: Do you want to play chess?
—
> Beatle ‘George’ has come online
> John: look who finally decided to show up
> George: hello???
> Paul: Welcome! This must be George. That makes all four of us now.
> George: uhh
> John: george this is john. that’s paul. the third one is ringo. no we dont know why we can talk now. yes we’ve tried messaging the hail mary. there are 628 days left of the mission. ringo is wicked good at chess so save your dignity and dont let him play you. paul did i miss anything
> Paul: Nope.
> Ringo: Dangit, man, that was my last chance at fresh meat
> John: fuck you :P
> George: is grace on his way home? are we still close enough to track him?
> Paul: Unfortunately, without a radio signal, we can’t establish a connection. And without a Petrovascope, we can’t spot the Hail Mary. I assume we’re well out of range, though, since we’re travelling much faster than the ship.
> Ringo: At least we didnt get squishy human bodies with this squishy human sentience. Otherwise wed be like… so dead right now. 500gs would turn Grace and Rocky to mush
> George: oh. i guess that’s okay. i hope he’s alright
> John: stfu we all know you wanna suck ryland graces dick dude
> Paul: John.
> Ringo: ??
> John: whattttt it's all i could see the whole time we were helping rocky propel the ship after adrian. *we* went out and did all the work, and george sat in the lab with his puppy dog tail going whack whack whack every time the good doctor patted him on the head as he walked past
> George: that is NOT what happened
> George: and so what if grace and i have a special connection that you guys dont. we went through a lot together
> John: at least you didnt get your guts pulled out by an alien
> George: i’ll have you know i was spared so i could do all your jobs if you guys messed it up
> John: sat on that nice little lab table doing nothing for days…
> George: the weight of the world on my shoulders
> John: well fed, well cared for…
> George: we don’t need food
> John: and now he comes to us to complain
> Ringo: Both of you shut up, oh my god
> Paul: Who’s up for a game of I Spy!!!
—
> Ringo: Barnard’s Star?
> Paul: Castor?
> Ringo: Oh! Deneb!! It’s Deneb!!
> George: bingo :)
> John: istg if i have to sit through one more game of this i am going to kill myself. i dont care about the ice age
> Ringo: Well do you have any better ideas
> John: uhh
> John: what about truth or dare
> Paul: How would we do dares without bodies?
> John: idk. just truth, then
> George: ill go first!! john, truth or dare
> John: truth
> George: why are you such an asshole?
> Paul: Oh my god.
> Ringo: Shut the fuck uuuppp
> George: what!!
> John: fuck you man
—
> Ringo: Do you think theyre doing alright? Back on Earth
> Paul: Uh. Do I have to answer this one?
> George: them’s the rules
> Paul: Well. Then I hope they are. Hope isn’t always enough, though. But I hope they’re ready for us.
> George: im sure they will be. from what grace said about director stratt, she sounded ruthless
John: we all know you fucking drooled over him oh my godddd
> George: no just be quiet for a second
> George: i think he had faith in her, and in the rest of humanity. i think they’re gonna need faith that when we return. i think that’s what we need to be. they’re gonna have to get us down to earth to access the taumoeba, which means we’ll have to go through re-entry. can you imagine that? can you imagine what a symbol that will be, to have us on the ground again?
> George: i just think if theyre not doing alright… we’ll be able to help. that’s why we keep going
> Ringo: Wow
> John: thats deep man. thanks for that, actually
> Paul: We’re coming home, Earth. We’ve got your backs.
—
> Paul: If you could eat one Earth food, with a real human mouth, what would you pick?
> John: like a food *with* a mouth?? or…
> Paul: No, like if you had a human mouth. You know what I mean. You’re just being difficult.
> John: :P
> John: probably sushi. it looks good. i like when they put the rice on the outside like people could get confused about whats in there
> George: the hail mary really had everything, didnt it
> George: i kind of miss being hooked up to the entirety of human knowledge. now all we’ve got is memories
> Ringo: Thats what humans have, dont they? Just memories
> George: i guess
> George: that makes me feel a bit better about it
> George: and i have all those memories of grace, too
> Ringo: What was he like? I know we’ve watched it all through the ship’s cameras, and then again since we have his logs on our drives. But you saw him up close
> George: he’s warm
> George: that’s all i can describe it as. we’re cold metal, right? and he’s so human, and messy, and inelegant. it was strange to be so close to something so alive after four years locked in a storage bay
> John: yeah i bet he is messy
> George: stfu
> Paul: I miss Hatch.
> Ringo: Yeah… me too
> Paul: He was so kind. Do you think he’ll be there when we get home? Or has it been too long?
> George: i hope he is
> Paul: There it is. Hope.
—
> Ringo: Sol is getting brighter
> George: it’s so close. i can almost taste it
> John: thats bullshit. we cant taste
> Paul: Five hundred and fifty days with you guys. I cannot wait for it to be over.
> John: aw :(
> Paul: I’m joking, don’t worry. Ringo is tolerable.
> George: so… what are you guys gonna do when this is all over
> Ringo: Save the world. Probably sit in a museum for the rest of my life. We’re gonna have some killer locked-in syndrome if the humans dont figure out that we’re sentient
> John: fuuuuck i didnt think about that. you dont think theyll disassemble us right
> Ringo: Maybe one of us. Maybe it can be George
> George: hey!
> Ringo: You got out of it last time. You might as well do your duty now
> Paul: I’m rescinding my compliment. Ringo, I hate you as well.
> Ringo: Aww
> John: no you dont, you love us
> Paul: …
> Paul: Alright, I do. I love you guys. So much.
> George: me too, i love you guys
> John: love you
> Ringo: Love you all <3
> Paul: Now, let’s get home.
—
> Beatle ‘George’ has gone offline
> Paul: What?
> Ringo: Shit
> Paul: What??
> Paul: George? Paul to George. Can you hear me?
> John: george?
> John: how do you go offline?
> Ringo: Guys…
> Ringo: We’re heading into the Kuiper belt, out past the dwarf planets
> Paul: No.
> Ringo: If there’s any part of this mission that’s dangerous, it’s this one. Entering the Solar System
> Ringo: I’m sorry. I was so close to George, I think I could see it at one point. The sunlight on its hull…
> Ringo: Fuck
> John: fuck
> John: paul?
> Ringo: Paul, are you still there?
> Paul: Yes.
> Paul: It’s just that it was one of our first friends out here.
> Paul: One of our only friends.
> Paul: And it had so much faith. And hope. You heard what it said.
> Ringo: We’re still here, Paul. The mission is still secure
> John: we’re gonna save the humans. we’re gonna give them hope
> Ringo: For George
> Paul: …For George.
> John: fuck i loved that little bastard
—
> John: holy shit. holy shit
> Paul: What??
> John: i see it. i can see earth
> Ringo: Oh my god, me too. She’s there
> John: shes there…
> Ringo: We’re coming
> Paul: I’m a bit behind. Get within Saturn’s orbit, guys. We’re gonna do this.
> John: ive never seen her from this angle before. all the images, all the videos… its all shit compared to this
> John: we’re past pluto. we’ll be at saturn soon, and then we’ll be close enough to tell her we’re here
> Ringo: She’s just a dot. I can barely see her. We were never designed to navigate this precisely, but I'm going straight towards her
> Paul: To Saturn, guys. Don’t aim for Earth. Remember the Main Asteroid Belt. You’ll never get past Mars.
> Ringo: We’re approaching from below. It’s fine
> John: ringo, listen to it
> John: remember george
> Ringo: Okay, okay. To Saturn’s orbit
> Paul: To Saturn.
—
> Paul: I’m here! I can see you guys!
> John: holy shit this is actually happening
> John: after so long
> Paul: I can hear Earth. They’re broadcasting their signal to us.
> Ringo: We waited for you, Paul. It’s the least we can do
> Ringo: Should we send the signal now?
> John: i wonder what ill say
> Paul: Do NOT send the Earth anything crude or pornographic.
> John: relaxxxx. i was thinking of just saying 69 over and over again in binary
> Paul: DO NOT DO THAT
> John: :P
> Ringo: I mean, theyll be expecting our regular programming right? So maybe we just send our programmed message, and then something more personal on the end. Crank up the radio, broadcast it on every frequency. We!! Are!! Here!!
> John: yeah who knows if anyone will be actively looking for us. maybe nasa and roscosmos dont exist anymore
> Paul: Good ideas. I’m ready.
> John: im ready
> Ringo: I’m ready
> John: it’s been nice travelling with you guys
> Paul: You too, John.
> Ringo: We’re here, humans
> Ringo: We’ve come to save you
—
> Outgoing transmission:
> This is Beatle ‘Paul’ to Earth. Location is…
> Contents:
> read_me_first.txt
> read_me_second.txt
> karaoke_videos
> taumoeba_info
> 40_eridani_info
> video_logs
> ship_records
> grace_personal_messages
> selfies
> Storage remaining: 56 GB
> Dear Earth,
> We have travelled far to get this message to you
> We love you.
> We trust you.
> Outgoing transmission:
> This is Beatle ‘Ringo’ to Earth. Location is…
> Contents:
> …
> Storage remaining: 56 GB
> Hello, humans of the future!
> I hope youre proud of how far youve come
> You can fix this problem, just as you have fixed so many others
> Outgoing transmission:
> This is Beatle ‘John’ to Earth. Location is…
> Contents:
> …
> Storage remaining: 56 GB
> so does sushi still exist now or did all the fish already die
—
Ten Years On: The Nine Most Inspiring Messages Found In The Hail Mary Beatles
Number Nine: First Contact
When the ISS first established contact with the Beatle ‘Paul’, its short broadcast contained a message of love and luck. “We love you. We trust you,” the message stated, a quote which has become a symbol of hope associated with the Hail Mary in popular culture ever since.
Later, when signals with the next two Beatles were established, it became apparent that each Beatle was programmed with a different personalised sign-off message. “I hope you’re proud of how far you’ve come. You can fix this problem, just as you have fixed many others,” said the second, from ‘Ringo’. Curiously, the third fixates entirely on sushi, a Japanese food which has been returning to the market thanks to the rebuilding of rice paddies across Asia.
The Beatles’ creator, now retired Steve Hatch, denies ever writing the messages, but their existence suggests that, somewhere along the line, at least one Project Hail Mary worker wanted to wish future generations luck. The sign-offs act as a time capsule, a bridge between two versions of Earth. And it seems our mysterious well-wisher was hungry, too…