Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. Bridge officers commonly exchange physical contact for seemingly meaningless reasons. Examples include the ruffling of Chekov’s hair, Uhura and Kirk bumping fists, Spock clapping the captain on the shoulder, Marius hugging people…
2. The Communications officer preparers people for diplomatic missions by only speaking in the language of the people to be encountered. No exceptions. Yes, she speaks Klingon.
3. When asked, no one, not even Dr. Marius, can state her exact position on the ship. Usually people just go with “weapons expert who makes sure no one blows themselves up between times of combat” but the brass tend to frown on that one.
4. They have sandwiches programmed into the replicators. More than just Mr. Scott have taken to using that setting as well.
5. There are several panels on board reprogramed to understand thick Russian and Scottish accents.
6. The ship’s CMO can and will drag the captain by the ear if he deems it necessary.
7. The ship’s first officer will nerve pinch the captain if he deems it necessary.
8. The regimen of de-stressing actives for crew members includes blanket forts and fencing lessons.
9. Everyone on board is fine with agreeing that non-Russian things were invented in Russia. As well as non-Earth things.
10. The captain and pilot have been known to essentially play musical chairs with the captain’s chair.
11. Half the crew takes “off duty” to mean “be ready, we might need you in fifteen minutes anyway”.
12. The CMO has a fake certificate on his wall, done in crayon, certifying him to perform “torpedo surgery” signed by Joanna McCoy and Carol Marius.
13. The captain is somehow commonly invited to girls’ nights out.
14. The pilot and navigator’s quarters are 50% plant, 30% book, 20% storage, and 10% beds.
15. There is in fact a difference between chess and “chess”. The latter involves three members of the bridge crew gone for a few hours.
16. There are regulations for allowed hairstyles in engineering ever since Mr. Keenser set the Communication’s Officer’s ponytail on fire.
17. There is a beagle running around the ship unsupervised.
18. No one onboard is in fact willing to supervise the beagle, either.
19. The captain’s chair has minor dents in the base from the First Officer kicking it whenever the Captain begins to fail at diplomacy.
20. Lt. Galia is banned from being within ten feet of the ship’s tribbles ever again.
21. The navigator must be supervised on shore leave due to being a minor.
22. The CMO has been banned from ever using metaphors while standing on the bridge.
23. Or sitting on the bridge.
24. Or the transporter room.
25. How about just anywhere but med bay or residence areas?
26. The captain must be either tricked or forcibly dragged in order to make his check-ups with medical on time.
27. The captain must run all plans for First Contact by the First officer, CO, CMO, or preferably a combination of the three, after the “crazy ex-girlfriend” incident.
28. The captain is the person on the ship holding the honor of “most often kidnapped”.
29. The navigator has been micro chipped since his level of “adorable” has led to almost as many kidnappings as the captain.
30. Should the seven year old known as Joanna McCoy be on board, Mr. Keenser can be found playing dress up left of the Jefferies Tubes.
31. The captain has a list of crew members he authorizes to “kick ass at their own discretion” despite the fact that he is not on the list himself.
32. Despite being formally trained in combat, the captain is commonly noted to have “gotten his ass kicked”.
33. The Captain, First Officer, and Communications Officer rarely leave the ship for shore leave.
34. Mr. Scott rarely leave the ship, period.
35. Disrespecting or threatening female personnel commonly leads to the male personnel starting bets on how long until she somehow kicks your ass.
36. In regards to the former, Lt. Uhura has never exceeded more than four days.
37. Lt. Galia has yet to manage more than five hours.
38. Dr. Marius once rewired an explosive while being held captive by Klingons, and the crew was not shocked.
39. Dr. Spock once beat up several of those same Klingons, and again the crew was not shocked.
40. Lt. Uhura and Ensign Chekov both took out one Klingon each, and yet again the crew was not shocked.
41. The captain also beat two of the Klingons and sustained no injuries, and everyone was shocked.
42. The captain has ordered that no one but Dr. McCoy can run betting rings on what his next injury will be.
43. Dr. Spock and Mr. Keenser keep winning the allowed rings.
44. The CO commonly remind everyone that just because she can teach them basic Klingon does not mean they can prank call the Starfleet brass in it.
45. The food replicators will only ever contain programs for scotch or vodka, never both. Which it is depends on whether ensign Chekov or Mr. Scott got to it last.
46. They have guidelines for “babysitting ambassadors”. Thus far the only ambassadors this does not apply to is Dr. Spock’s father and Ambassador Selek.
47. There are signs in the halls reminding the crew not to antagonize Klingons.
48. Or “have moments”  in front of Klingons as they are notorious moment-killers.
49. It is perfectly reasonable for anyone on the bridge to be given control of the ship at any given time.
50. Even Ensign Chekov, though that was an emergency involving Romulans, experimental weaponry, and Lt. Uhura’s father which the crew insists will not be repeated.