Chapter Text
Edward wanted to leave.
Jacob knew that.
He had seen it.
A month ago, he had a dream in which Edward left Bella and departed from Forks with his family.
After that dream (nightmare), Jacob had no more dreams. Edward was still in Forks, enjoying his romantic life with Bella, but Jacob knew it would not last forever.
Edward would leave, without knowing what that would do to Jacob.
When Jacob used to have those dreams, he considered them punishment and torment, but now their absence was suffocating.
He had lost his only connection to Edward, and it left him in a place somewhere between life and death (leaning toward death).
That night, he felt strangely emptier than ever before.
His chest no longer hurt, and his eyes no longer burned. Even the wolf no longer grew angry or howled. Everything was quiet, calm, and empty. The silence of his room was so heavy it felt capable of crushing walls and unsettling shadows.
Suffocation bound him like an unavoidable whisper, and the emptiness was undeniable. His body had moved before he even realized it. He quietly slipped out of the house and walked through the cool night air wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. His legs began running with all their strength, pulling him toward La Push Beach. His body had chosen a destination on its own.
By the time he reached the ocean, the sky was still dark. Jacob didn't know how much time had passed... maybe a minute? Maybe an hour? Maybe a year? Or perhaps he was still asleep and trapped inside a dream he couldn't wake up from? Or maybe... maybe it was a nightmare.
Neither the wolf nor Jacob cared about time, dreams, or nightmares.
He moved again and walked toward the ocean so he could feel the cool water against his legs. Then he went farther and farther, allowing the sea to take more and more possession of his body.
The sea carried a salty scent and surrounded Jacob like a cold barrier. The water had already reached his waist, directly touching the bare skin of his lower back. Stars were scattered around the full moon, creating a lovely sight, a beautiful image trembling in its reflection upon the ocean's surface.
Two full moons shone against a dark backdrop and mercilessly mocked Jacob.
His moon was not there. His moon lived far away from him and had found a star for himself, forgetting the sun that burned for him.
The waves struck him with a force that wasn't particularly violent, trying to push him back, but Jacob moved forward with tireless determination and sank deeper into the cold seawater. Was it death drawing closer to him, or life moving farther away? He wasn't sure. It had been a long time since he had felt alive. He walked along the border between life and death, neither dead nor alive.
Dying in the ocean, drowning, seemed like a good way to leave that world behind. The water was so cold that it gave him the illusion of being touched by Edward, and he could deceive himself with that illusion and die. Maybe he could even extinguish and smother the wild, silent fire that burned him in the depths of the sea. The ocean was vast enough to pull him out of that burning numbness.
The water had reached above his chest, and there was not much left until the end. The wolf had become so quiet and numb that Jacob could barely feel its presence. He could see death, but the hand that grabbed his arm and pulled him back pushed death away from him. The sounds returned, the wolf woke and whined, the emptiness inside Jacob's chest burned once more and destroyed the illusion that it had been extinguished.
The voices returned.
“Jacob! Get back here! Have you lost your mind? Jacob Black!”
The voice was familiar, terrified, and firm.
When Jacob turned to face the girl pulling him backward, he saw Leah Clearwater. The water reached just below her chin, and she was struggling to drag Jacob back. It was pointless. Jacob was strong enough to pull Leah into the water with him, but something about Leah's determined efforts made his wolf want to return to shore and make the girl feel safe.
The wolf whispered:
“Pack...”
Which was ridiculous, because Leah wasn't even a wolf. She was a girl, and even if she was Sam's girlfriend, she wasn't close enough to Jacob for his wolf to consider her pack. But Jacob didn't argue with his wolf. He had learned a long time ago that his wolf was strange and that he simply had to live with it.
As she led him toward the shore, the girl kept grumbling, cursing him under her breath and scolding him for being an idiot. Jacob said nothing. He neither argued nor resisted. He simply went along with the flow of events.
When Jacob's feet had completely left the sea and stepped onto the sand, Leah finally felt safe enough to turn around and shout at him even louder than before.
“What the hell were you thinking? Did you throw your brain away when you started hanging around those idiots? Do you have any idea what would've happened to you if I hadn't gotten here in time?!”
Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but Leah ignored him and immediately started yelling again.
“Have you lost your mind?! Were you trying to kill yourself? Don't you ever think about your father?!”
The boy lowered his head and remained silent.
What was he supposed to say?
Telling the truth was impossible, and making excuses was exhausting.
Seeing Jacob's silence, Leah frowned. She grabbed his arm again and dragged him after her. Jacob followed the girl without saying a single word until they reached an old truck that belonged to the Clearwaters.
Leah released his arm, pulled a not particularly thick blanket from the back seat, and held it out toward him irritably.
“Wrap this around yourself.”
Jacob glanced at the blanket.
“I'm not cold.”
Then he gestured toward Leah's soaked clothes.
“You need it more than I do.”
Leah threw the blanket violently against his chest.
“Just do what I told you.”
The wolf growled unhappily, but Jacob took the blanket and draped it around his shoulders.
For a few seconds, Leah said nothing and paced aimlessly until she suddenly turned back toward Jacob.
“What were you thinking, Jacob?! What were you trying to do?”
There were many answers Jacob could have given.
Many answers that would have hidden the truth.
But Jacob didn't lie.
“I wanted to feel better.”
He paused and added in a quieter voice than before,
“I wanted to feel something...”
Even if it was death.
He just wanted to feel something that wasn't misery and pain.
Maybe real, physical suffocation was better than the mental and emotional suffocation he was trapped in.
Edward had to leave.
A few hours earlier, he had told Bella that he was leaving.
His family was waiting for him.
He had to go.
But he still hadn't left.
No.
Instead, like a madman, he stood beside a river in the middle of the forest and stared across it... toward the wolves' territory.
The moon was full, and its reflection shone beautifully upon the surface of the water.
That night had been a full moon too—the night Edward had seen that strange wolf.
He had broken up with Bella.
It was also the time when he had separated himself from his family.
But why had he become attached like an idiot to a memory that meant nothing and felt more like a hallucination?
Why had he still been unable to forget that memory and stop coming back to this place?
Edward had to leave.
But instead, he stood there and told himself:
“Just five more minutes...”
He would stay for only five more minutes, and if the wolf didn't come, he would leave.
Edward remained there until the sun rose.
But the wolf never came.