Chapter Text
«You should lose some weight, you're standing out».
Hyun had never really thought about it until that very moment at the rehearsal, that something might be wrong with him and his body. Sure, sometimes he got displeased comments from his past choreographers, but they never led to anything serious. You could say he'd even gotten used to them, after all, seven years as a trainee is no joke.
He remembered how among his small group, there was a rumor, or something like that, that every second trainee had an eating disorders. Of course, not everywhere was such a golden ratio, but yet it was close to that, and not in a healthy way. Well, it was more common among the girls, but still, the industry wasn't exactly lenient. Constant measurements and weighings scared only those who were about to debut in this company, and Hyun really worried about that for about the first year, when he, still optimistic and full of energy, was just starting his path. He didn't know he'd stay here for so long. He diligently calculated his required weight, muscle mass, but he got bored of it quickly, because he was never in the top ranks for debut.
Over the past few years, he'd tried to devote more time to vocals rather than dance, because he was more into it, and he was pretty good at it too. He didn't think about his physique when he met Wumuti, or even when he asked him if he wanted to join the group. He was sure that all these standards in the Korean industry, and not only Korean, were complete nonsense and following them would only hurt you, but that was all true until today's rehearsal.
It had only been a few months since their debut, and he couldn't help but notice that he was slightly out of place among the fragile, cute persons, even though that wasn’t even their concept yet. Still, his height and stern expression, and of course his physique, played a part.
Hyun looks up at the choreographer, who has started packing her things up.
“Yeah, Hyun”, Wumuti said out of nowhere. “It would be better if we all created a unified image”.
Hyun glanced at him too. He was smiling softly and ordinarily at him, as if he hadn't just said the most striking things for Hyun at that moment. He walked up to him with his already packed bag and patted his shoulder.
“I know what good endurance you have, so I don't think this will be a big deal for you”, the leader said and left the practice room following the
choreographer.
The other members watched them go and now studied Hyun with their eyes: Haru with what seemed like sympathy, and Rui was just exhausted. Hyun's body felt even heavier and more swollen than before. His skin, still hot and glistening after the rehearsal, was now covered in goosebumps, and sweat ran down his neck and back in icy drops.
Maybe they were right. The overall picture is truly important, especially when there are so few of you on the stage.
He struggled to sling his bag over his shoulder, keychains jingling, and trudged after the others into the hall where Wumuti and choreographer were standing. Ignoring what was probably an important conversation about the future, he ducked into the locker room where the other two were changing. He sat down on a bench and fixed his eyes on his phone.
Maybe he shouldn't be reacting like this to what was said, it wasn't the first time he'd gotten such comments, especially from choreographers, but from Wumuti it sounded somehow different. As if that remark was the most important thing of the day, although, more than likely he was just supporting their choreographer, and didn't mean to hurt Hyun's feelings, make him resentful, panicked, or anything else. And he wasn't going to make a big deal out of one stupid remark. Wumuti and her definitely know better how he should look like than he does, so he won't resist or argue with them. He'll just accept it as it should be and try to meet their expectations. As usual, basically.
But there's nothing wrong with getting in shape, right? He's not going to go crazy like those who were in the same boat with him back then. He's got his own head screwed on, and if that's not enough, there's Wumuti, and the other two, who will be ready to help him if something goes wrong.
Hyun didn't even notice how he had already left the shower in clean sweatpants, a t-shirt and a towel on his head. He probably shouldn't be thinking
about it now, especially when he notices the completely empty locker room and his painfully vibrating phone. He'd probably been analyzing his thoughts and someone else's words for too long, so much so that the guys had already lost him. He briefly answers the call from a slightly irritated Rui and, grabbing his bag, leaves the building, making a note in his head to write about this in his diary, when he gets to the dorm, and also to come up with at least some kind of plan to implement all he needs to.
Their way back is quiet and peaceful. March has been warm and very pleasant, so Wumuti sent the driver home earlier to walk to the dorm. Hyun's eyes explored the familiar streets, signs, trees, streetlights and passing cars. Everything already seemed almost summery, even though the warmth was just beginning.
Next to him, Rui was hopping along, excitedly telling everyone something while chewing on a sweet bun he'd bought on the way here, under Wumuti's watchful eye, of course. He seemed to be talking about going somewhere with his sister when he was younger. But Hyun's gaze accidentally ran over his figure, so careful, as if he was afraid of being caught. Rui was almost two times smaller than him, not in height, but in build. His long, thin fingers of his left hand wrapped around the package, his chiseled face, widened in a big smile, sugar powder on his lips and nose, tousled hair, straight back, slender legs. It just didn't match the amount of food he usually ate. To Hyun's surprise, no one really talked about it. Only once Haru asked how he could fit so much in him, and got a very stern look from Muti and the same radiant smile from Rui, who answered him with some stupid joke, continuing to chew. Hyun had never felt the urge to ask him about his eating habits, because it seemed like something everyone should take care of themselves, they're not five years old. And after that incident with Haru, Hyun didn't feel like finding out anything about it at all.
Realizing that these thoughts would lead nowhere, Hyun switched his attention to the other two guys walking slightly ahead. Haru kept breaking his neck in an attempt to turn around and hear what Rui was saying and to insert another joke, making Wumuti roll his eyes. The leader, by the way, to Hyun's surprise, was a bit quiet this evening, barely keeping up the conversation with Rui and Haru, sometimes nodding or smiling at their yelling. All his attention was switched to his phone screen, where he was confidently typing something. To whom, though? To the choreographer? Or maybe to the director? Or maybe he's arranging a venue for the tour? But, is he supposed to do that? No, he's probably texting his mom or friends, because his face is generally calm. Or maybe he really is discussing him with someone? That thought almost made Hyun sick. He doesn't want to think about how Muti is texting choreographer or someone else that he's let himself go and they need to be stricter with him.
Hyun preferred not to think about anything for the rest of the walk, because he would have the whole evening and night for that.
When they returned to the dorm, Haru immediately collapsed on the sofa in the living room, and his hand was already reaching for the dried apples left on the table. Would dried apples be okay for Hyun? He took off his shoes, walked closer, scooped up a handful of apples and put them in his mouth. They
weren't very tasty, just ordinary sweet dried apples. He plopped down on the couch next to Haru, trying not to think at all, especially about what had been said in his direction today, but Muti and Rui apparently had other plans.
“Hyunnie, you look like a hamster”, Rui smiled at him, still so cheerfully, as if he hadn't heard a single word said to Hyun today. His hand reached out to pinch his cheek, but Hyun, wincing, turned away from him. It felt strange to get such so-called compliments, especially now.
“You really do look like one”, Muti laughed, but seeing the desperate look on Hyun's poor face, he quickly rushed to defend himself. “Come on,
we didn't mean to offend you. Besides, about today”, Hyun's heart was about to leap out of his throat, “noona already sent me a sample diet for you for a couple of weeks. I didn't know if you had any experience with such things or not, so I asked her to help”.
A prickly silence fell over the room. It seemed like only Haru was fine – he was chewing his damn apples next to Hyun's ear and scrolling through his phone, not paying any attention to the conversation at all. Hyun visibly flinched, but didn't take his eyes off the leader, he slowly nodded and immediately felt how thousands of needles of anxiety scattered down the back of his head and neck.
Maybe it would have been better if Wumuti had said this privately or just silently sent him this damn diet, but right now the situation was not just bad, it was sickly disgusting for Hyun, who was already burning with shame under the watchful eyes of his hyungs.
Rui, by the way, was no better, he not only didn't miss a single word of Wumuti's, but also nodded significantly, or so it seemed to poor Hyun, at his speech. The only thing he could do now was manage to say a thank you to Wumuti's words, force himself to get up and go for some water. All this anxiety and panic seemed to have dried him out. He should write about it in his diary and stop worrying so much.
***
A couple of weeks passed after that incident. Hyun ate exactly what the choreographer's diet told him to, and also often stayed after rehearsals in the gym, sometimes accompanied by Wumuti or Haru. To his surprise, Rui never decided to join him. Oh well, he thought, not everyone likes strength
training, especially since Rui himself doesn't want to lose weight or grow any muscle, unlike him.
In general, everything was going smoothly and calmly, but not quickly at all. Hyun sometimes worked too hard in the gym, but he never had problems with food in that regard. He ate as he was told, sometimes allowing himself something extra, because there was no need to rush, and Muti was quite satisfied with him, so he had nothing to worry about. However, something was still bothering him. And it wasn't even Rui, who kept hovering under his nose with another gluten bomb, and Hyun's stomach would immediately start churning from just the slight memory of the allergy.
It was the speed of getting results, which was, let's say, not the complete zero, but not that noticeable either. In a couple of weeks, Hyun seemed to have lost a little over a kilogram, and that's considering he weighed himself in the morning according to all the rules.
Yes, as mentioned earlier, Wumuti was fine with everything, and even Hyun's nightly tantrums, when he started complaining to him that he'd been trying for weeks and nothing much was happening, didn't really bother the leader. The only thing he told him was to focus on physical training, not on diet, and in no case listen to Rui. Hyun wondered why for a very long time, but he wasn't going to ask either Wumuti or, especially, Rui. Who knows, maybe it's a local thing between them, or maybe Rui really does have such a fast metabolism that he's never had weight problems.
Hyun could dwell on these questions for a long time, especially after a couple of hours in the gym, when it was very dark outside and the clock
hand was past 11. He loved this so much. It was as if in late solo workouts he had found a new way to release the emotions that had accumulated during the day or even the week, and a nice bonus was improved endurance and strength. Rui now seemed even lighter when Hyun jokingly moved him from one place to another or gently carried him from the couch to the bed so as not to wake him up. To the touch, he seemed so small and fragile that Hyun was sometimes afraid to hug him.
***
The days passed calmly, blending into one working mass, albeit a fairly pleasant one, with new habits and routines. Even the words of Wumuti and the choreographer didn't sound so rude and aggressive, rather just as a reminder of why he was doing this in the first place.
They all started just like today. Wake up, wash his face, weigh himself, record his weight, put the clothes on, stretch, meditate, and finally go downstairs and put the kettle on. Hyun liked this kind of morning, he even sometimes regretted not having it like this before. So now, he stands by the boiling kettle and shoves a cookie in his mouth, lying on the kitchen counter. It seems to be the one thing he really refuses to eat. In general, no one was against two or three cookies a day.
Only now it feels different in his mouth than all the other times. It's much drier and sweeter. Hyun realizes this too late, when he's eaten almost half of the fourth one. He swallows hard and shifts his gaze to the whistling kettle, and then to the two boxes of cookies next to it: one – his, gluten-free, the other – the most ordinary ones, which the others eat for breakfast. Paralyzing panic and fear wash over him about what is going to happen next.
He hated his gluten intolerance as a child, but now he mostly doesn't really care, since he practically doesn't come into contact with it, moreover, he's already forgotten what it's like to feel all these symptoms, what it's like to wait for what will inevitably happen to him now. His usually cheerful mood dropped, along with the cookie placed on the table. Hyun brushed his hand off it and swallowed another lump of panic. He should take a pill so he doesn't feel even worse.
He tried, on legs wobbly with anxiety, to get to the other end of the living room, where there was a large first-aid kit with all the vitamins and
meds that might be needed at any moment. Hyun had completely forgotten the feeling of hurriedly trying to find a pill with trembling hands. He was greatly slowed down by the nausea rising in waves to his throat. With every minute of searching for the pills, it grew stronger, and Hyun felt that it was already useless to look for pills, which were probably at the very bottom of the box, because he is very selective about what he puts in his mouth, especially lately.
His stomach was churning more and more, and the fear for himself without medication only intensified this terrible nausea. His weakened legs carried him to the large bathroom near the living room on the first floor, his sweaty palm stuck to his mouth, holding this protein poison inside with all his might. But as soon as he barely walked into the bathroom, his legs gave up and he collapsed to his knees in front of the toilet, shuddering in strong spasms of nausea, while his body violently was getting rid of everything that might have contained even a grain of gluten.
Hyun didn't even bother to close the door. He realized this when he felt someone's small hand on his back. It gently rubbed his shoulder blade, went up to his shoulder and gently squeezed it. Hyun was still throwing the remnants of that ill-fated cookie out, absolutely not hearing Haru trying to call out to him.
“Hyun! What happened? Are you okay?”, his worried voice and grip on his shoulder broke through the thick of the poor guy's foggy mind,
forming a more or less sober reality.
His stomach was still churning, the spasms of nausea continued to wash over him every time he tried to answer Haru. He saw one caring hand pat his upper back, and the other pressed the flush. Apparently, the just-awakened Haru was not happy to see him in this state.
Well, of course, it’s not very welcoming to see him all messed up, kneeling in front of the toilet, unable to say a word. Hyun would be scared too.
After a moment, he stopped feeling the warmth on his back, instead Haru’s ringing and worried voice, along with quick steps up the stairs, grated on his ears. Haru was calling Wumuti, who was probably already awake. A door slammed upstairs, then another.
He woke Rui up too, Hyun's weakened mind realized. He tried to get up, but didn't succeed the first time. He leaned on the edge of the sink with both hands, trying not to look at himself in the mirror, and turned on the water to wash his face and rinse his mouth. His forearms and neck were covered in a light pink rash, which didn't itch as much as before, but his stomach continued to twist with renewed vigor. Footsteps sounded behind him, followed by a polite knock on the open door. Hyun turned around, not even thinking about how terrible he must look right now.
All three of them were standing in the doorway: poor panicked Haru, a very sleepy but also frightened Rui, and a more or less calm Wumuti, holding a glass of water and a blister of pills that Hyun hadn't found in his allergic hysteria. He handed Hyun the pill, putting it right to his lips, then brought the glass there.
“Drink”, he commanded.
Hyun took a sip of water, just enough to swallow the pill and nothing more.
“The whole glass”, says Wumuti, and Hyun immediately remembers his mom, who said the same thing when little Hyun didn't understand at all why he had to stop eating cookies and delicious bread at home.
He wrinkles his nose and turns away.
“I'll throw up again if I drink the whole glass”, he mumbles barely audibly, but the leader's movements are more insistent than his quiet words, Wumuti tilts the glass, forcing Hyun to take two more small sips of water, then lets him go.
“How are you?”, Rui speaks up, voice still hoarse from sleep.
“Well, better than a few seconds ago, I guess”, says Hyun, barely forcing his tongue to move.
He still hasn't looked at his face in the mirror, but he seems to look extremely pale and greenish right now, unlike his neck and arms, which have
blossomed with new irritation. He prefers to turn away from the mirror and lean his lower back against the sink. Muti settles down next to him.
“So, tell me, poor thing, what happened to you?”, Wumuti smiles sadly, stroking his back. “You should have seen Haru's eyes when he tried to tell me what’s the matter”.
Haru looked away for a couple of seconds, as if he was ashamed worrying about Hyun so much. Hyun himself found this very sweet and smiled slightly at his thoughts.
“You just looked so helpless and weren't answering me, so I really thought something serious had happened to you”, he replied.
Rui remained quiet throughout the whole time, fidgeting with the edges of his shirt and shifting his gaze from Hyun to Wumuti, then back to Hyun and
Har on a loop.
“Nothing that serious”, Hyun said weakly. “I just messed up and ate almost four cookies from your pack, and paid for it”.
He chuckled, but it seemed like only he found it funny. Now Rui finally spoke up again.
“That's all because you ate a couple of cookies?”, he sounded very surprised, as if he was hearing about Hyun's gluten intolerance for the first time.
Hyun dryly nods at his words, staring at him. Does he really not remember, or has he just never seen it happen?
“Yeah, that can happen, but it'll be gone by tomorrow, maybe even today’s evening”, he reassured him. “Sorry for ruining your morning”.
Wumuti immediately rushed to assure him otherwise, that it was okay and actually they should be the ones apologizing and so on and so forth.
They all left the bathroom, but Hyun catches Rui's incredulous glances, who was clearly sure of a different sequence of what had happened. He significantly glanced at the countertop, where that poisonous piece of gluten cookie lay, and the two packages next to the kettle, both barely started.
Thankfully, Hyun felt better literally within a couple or three hours. The itching and nausea, thanks to the pill, had subsided almost completely, but
His stomach was still unpleasantly tight, and because of this, Hyun refused eating a heavy lunch and dinner. Wumuti kept coming up to Hyun with a glass of warm water and asking him to drink it all, as well as endless questions about if he was okay and if he needed to see a doctor. Hyun assured all three that it was just an allergic reaction to gluten and that there was nothing terrible about it, because by the evening there was indeed no trace of it left.
Only Rui was looking at Hyun with such a suspicious gaze all their day off that Hyun didn't even know what to think. Did he really scare the poor guy that much with his allergy?
But then, almost in the late evening, when Hyun was writing about his past day in his diary, Rui knocked on his door. After permission to enter, he opened the door slightly and went inside. Hyun's room was decorated with various books and small night lamps with warm light, because Hyun hated the cold ones. Rui now found this heartwarming, just like always. He quietly sat down on the edge of his bed, turning to face Hyun, who was sitting half-turned to him at his desk.
“I wanted to ask you something.
Hyun now put aside his pen and paper completely, turning to his friend.
“Yeah?”
“This allergy”, he hesitated. “Have you had it since your childhood?”
He sounded as if he was asking him for his most private and intimate secret.
“For as long as I can remember”, he replied. That was strange, Rui had never been interested in his health, or anyone's health to be honest. “Why
do you ask?”
Rui hugged his leg, placing it on the bed. He looked at him like he was an idiot, as if Hyun should have got it right away, but for some reason he didn't.
“And how often?”
“Often what?”
“Does this happen to you?”
It was clear that Rui expected a faster understanding of his questions, but Hyun still couldn't meet his expectations. he answered with a blank look:
“Every time I eat regular cookies or other baked things. this is the first time in quite a while”, he said. “In a few years, I'd even say”, he paused for a moment, but noticing Rui's eager gaze, Hyun continued. “The last time I ate something that contains gluten was probably two years ago? Maybe even three, I don't really remember, but it was definitely during my trainee days. But now I try to be more selective about food, especially after everything I was told”, those words echoed under his ribs, staying there for a while. “So this kind of thing happens very rarely…”
Hyun sounded as if he was trying to reassure Rui, because he still couldn't understand the motivation behind these questions, but since his friend wants
to know more about him, why not share this part of his life.
“Of course, when I was a child, this happened quite often”, he continued. “When neither I nor my parents really understood what was wrong with me. I'd even say I got away with it this time”, he chuckled, and Rui seemed particularly unsatisfied with that answer. He somehow became even sadder and pressed his cheek to his knee. “But things really are much better now, don't worry about me so hard”.
Hyun was so nervous that he had scared Rui this morning that he got up from his chair and, settling down next to him on the edge of the bed, patted him on the shoulder, as if it was he who was suffering from a gluten intolerance and was afraid for his own well-being. Rui looked up at him, eyes full of emotions, which Hyun couldn't understand.
“Just be more careful, please, don't get carried away with that”, he said, but this phrase was far from the one that sought to fall from his lips. He worried his lip with his teeth.
Hyun chuckled.
“With what?”
Rui didn't find an answer, he hugged him sympathetically and pressed himself with all his might into his chest, as if Hyun was about to melt away. The younger one even froze a little from such closeness, although it wasn't new for always touchy Rui, these hugs spoke of something new.
Rui seemed to confine the most intimate secrets he had to him, connecting their hearts through a thin layer of clothing and ribs. Hyun could almost feel Rui's heart beating next to his, with each beat opening up and trusting more and more, even though Rui didn't say anything else, this silence felt so sincere and so pure that Hyun felt his tears welling up.
He never really understood what this conversation meant, what exactly Rui wanted to hear from him, but Rui tightly held him in his arms anyway, so Hyun decided that the person next to him understood everything for himself and was completely satisfied with his answers.
Rui took a noisy breath and pulled back slightly to make eye contact. For a second, Hyun thought he started to cry, but no, although the eyes in front of him were shining, they were dry, without tears.
“Rui…”
He shook his head.
“You don't have to tell me anything, but”, Rui didn't take his eyes off his face, «if you ever want to, i'm here».
Hyun smiled warmly and nodded, not letting him out of the ring of his arms. It seemed to him that Rui knew about him much more than he himself. He still didn't fully get what Rui meant, but it felt so pleasant and so warm in his heart that he didn't pay much attention to everything he was thinking about right now. The main thing was Rui's hands, that were still resting on his back, and his breath spread over his neck in a hot wave.