Archive of Our Own

In the back of her mind, Aya knew this was a mistake she'd regret in less than 24 hours. She knew she shouldn't be drinking this much, she'd already lost count of how many drinks she had taken since they got there, and that's not even taking into consideration that they'd been drinking a little bit since before they got to the bar. She was going over her limit, she knew it. But… fuck, what else was she supposed to do? Even now after god knows how much alcohol was swimming around in her blood, it still felt like her insides were getting crushed and twisted and crushed and twisted without ever giving her a break.

She was scared. God, she was so scared. She'd love to say that even after all of this she knew that Mitsuki loved her… but that was the problem. When she repeated inside her head that Mitsuki surely still loved her, it sounded desperate, hopeless, more like a plea than something she knew to be true. Since that god forsaken concert, what had pulled them together in the first place turned into a wound that couldn't seem to heal, that barely even managed to scar and still bled when you pulled on it. And Aya was so terrified that Mitsuki's love for Aya would have the same fate as her love for music. Fade away until it became a topic just too uncomfortable to touch.

Consciousness was fading away at the corners of Aya's vision. Voices became incomprehensible noise, music became slurred words and melodies, she could only really focus on whatever was right in front of her and she didn't even remember what drink she was holding. At one point or another, someone's shoulder softened her fall, and a desperate, stupid voice inside her head hoped that when she opened her eyes, Mitsuki's shoulder would be the one she was leaning into.

"Aya…? You… good?"

But that wasn't Mitsuki's voice. That wasn't Mitsuki's shoulder. She didn't even care to put a name to the voice, she just knew it wasn't Mitsuki. It wasn't her, because Mitsuki was slowly but surely leaving her behind and it might already be too late for Aya, maybe it was just a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Mitsuki to move out of their apartment without even saying a word. Maybe Mitsuki had already left her, in all the ways that mattered.

She didn't know when soft, quiet tears turned into sobs, but at one point they had. They turned into sobs that normally would've been muffled by Aya and Mitsuki's shared sheets, when Mitsuki came home from work and slept with her back facing Aya. Sobs that wouldn't in a million years ever leave her university's bathroom stalls. But she couldn't help it. She missed Mitsuki so much and half of her was already convinced that her girlfriend had kept her out of a corner of her world that Aya used to pride herself in being one of the only people ever allowed in, and now she was being shut out at the door, too, not even a glance or a single clue of what's going on inside.

Her name was said a couple more times around her, but none of those times was it Mitsuki's voice calling her, so why even bother? But then she was pulled to stand up from the couch, someone guiding her outside by the shoulders, opening the front door and all.

"Mitsuki…?"

"Just Narita."

Still not her?

The cold air from outside felt harsh on her skin and even harsher on her tears. Not that long ago, Mitsuki wouldn't have let her tears run for so long they reached her chest, Mitsuki would've been here, cradling her face, calling her pretty nicknames that she'd only use when Aya was really upset about something, but instead her tears intensified the cold from outside and even though she knew she wasn't alone, she felt so lonely.

She didn't last standing up for long. She'd found the closest wall to her and her knees buckled, suddenly sitting outside on the street crying her eyes out, Narita holding her the best he could. Aya was faintly aware of Narita's head looking at the window behind them while he held her, and—it was stupid, god, it was so stupid, but…

She managed to mumble in between sobs, "Is… Is s-she coming?"

"I… I don't really know." Aya could only answer with yet another sob.

Even besides Aya's non-stop crying, it wasn't all that quiet and calm outside. The light from Narita's phone shone just a bit too harshly, so she hid her face in her arms, holding her knees in a sorry attempt at a hug. And she could still hear the music then, bleeding out from the windows and the door. Mitsuki could bear the music inside the bar, but not inside their home? Not with her? Why…?

"Narita…"

"Yeah?"

"Why… why won't she talk to me?" Aya could barely even open her mouth without feeling like she was running out of air, but there was something lodged in her chest and it was so painful and she just needed to get it out, "She- she hasn't talked to me- for s-so long Narita… what… what if she doesn't love me anymore?"

"Aya… I…" Why was he hesitating? "I don't think that's it, Aya."

"So then why won't she tell me!?" She asked somewhere between a sob and a scream, and she knew that she wasn't going to get an answer any time soon, if ever, she knew it was a stupid question to ask, but still. "Why…? Why is she shutting me out?"

She could only hear Narita sigh and fully sit next to her, rubbing her back ever so slightly, "I… don't know."

Narita
Aya needs you
Look ik you've both been weird
And idk what's going on beyong thst
But she's been lowk miserable
And every time i ask she says its fine you guys are just going through a rough spot or whatever
But you really need to talk to her
She needs you (01:55)

Sometime between a couple minutes ago and now, Mitsuki became convinced she was watching a horror movie unfold in front of her eyes. There was no other explanation that wouldn't feel like she was getting horrendously stabbed in the heart multiple times.

Mitsuki knew since she saw Aya and Narita—and that other girl, whoever she was—come in the bar that the night was gonna be awkward. She knew Aya was going to drink just a bit too much, Mitsuki would drag her back home half conscious and she was going to have to deal with the uncomfortable, tense air that would inevitably surround them. But nowhere in her head there had been even the possibility of this. Of Aya breaking down in a way Mitsuki hadn't seen since they were in high school.

"-ga? Is… everything ok?"

Her world had stopped spinning entirely. She stopped moving, frozen in place like a rigid statue. The music didn't matter anymore. The drinks, the customers, none of it mattered anymore.

Ever since their fight back at their apartment, maybe even since before that, Aya had been upset, Mitsuki knew that. But somehow, stupidly, she had somehow been too busy between the extra shifts and the avoiding for it to cross her mind that the anger Aya held that day of their fight had come from a wound. A wound that she made. Aya right now was crying, breaking down, sobbing. Because of her.

She hadn't had anything to drink, but her vision started getting dark around the corners. What had the world come to, that Mitsuki became the reason for Aya's tears, and not the one wiping them away?

From where she was standing she could see Aya's long, beautiful hair bunched up against the window at the front of the bar, could see how she was hugging her knees, her chest rising and falling too fast, and crying so much Mitsuki swore she could hear the sobs coming from outside, as impossible as it were with how loud the music was. And it was her fault.

It truly, honestly felt like a horror movie, and she was so frozen in place she could do nothing but watch. Watch her girlfriend, the one girl she'd give anything for, the one girl who has truly seen her, her muse, the love of her life, become undone at the seams. Because. Of her. And in the back of her mind, she wondered if this guilt was a feeling she'd ever cleanse out of her blood.

"Rinko…" Her voice came out so small, she was surprised Rink even heard her before Mitsuki saw her turn her head to face her. "What do I do…?"

Rinko hesitated for a moment, "Uh… she's, uhm, your girlfriend, isn't she…?

More than that, really. But it didn't exactly look like that at the moment, did it?

Mitsuki looked at the texts Narita had sent her, sometime between him taking Aya outside of the bar and now, and the urgency of her situation rushed her awake. She needed to do something, she needed to fix this, really fix it, now. Otherwise… it felt too terrifyingly possible that she was going to loose Aya if she didn't.

"Rinko, could you take care of the bar for me?"

"Oh, uh, yeah! Yeah, of course."

In what seemed like less than a second, Mitsuki rushed outside the bar, shutting the door closed behind her and turning to look at Aya and Narita sitting on the floor.

God. She'd really fucked up, hadn't she? Aya's usually neat, gorgeous hair was now disheveled, frizzy, wild waves jutting out of place. She sat with her face hidden in her arms, hugging her knees close to her chest, when she was usually so open, even in her body language. She was already absentmindedly scratching away at the skin around her nails, a habit Mitsuki had thought they'd left far, far behind. And worst of all, Aya really was full on sobbing, hiccups coming out of her chest—though that could've been the alcohol, also.

The sight broke Mitsuki's heart and she felt tears sting at her eyes with the guilt, but this wasn't the time. She knew there were so many conversations to be had and she couldn't be sure if she would be able to stop herself from crying then, and she knew she couldn't keep avoiding all of it if she knew it would end up hurting Aya so much. But right now, her only priority was getting Aya home, then… she'd cross that bridge when she got to it.

Narita looked up at the sound of door closing, and once he saw Mitsuki, he sighed and gave her a faint smile before scooting just the tiniest bit away, so Mitsuki could take whatever space she wanted, as long as it was next to Aya.

Mitsuki ended up opting for sitting right in front of Aya, sitting on her knees, and she reached out to rub tentative circles on Aya's arm, slowly going to hold her hand in an effort to stop her scratching her skin raw.

"Hey, Aya…?"

It tore Mitsuki's soul apart how fast Aya lifted her head to look at her, like she'd been waiting for years to hear her voice. Mitsuki had left her waiting for weeks now, giving Aya nothing more than glances, leaving nothing more than a scent, a hint, that she still lived at the same apartment as her, and the guilt of it sat so unbelievably heavy on her chest, she wanted to never again feel this immense a guilt. And she was going to make sure this was the last time she let Aya down like this.

Aya didn't even let her say anything else before practically leaping to hug Mitsuki, by the neck, hiding her face on the crook of it, her crying now just a little bit different but still just as intense.

"Mitsuki… you're here…"

She hugged Aya back, holding the back of her head with one hand and rubbing circles in Aya's back with the other. "I'm here, love, I'm here, it's ok…"

In between the crying, something made Aya whine even louder, like she was trying to say something but it wouldn't come out right. Mitsuki can't even be sure if she ever cried this much in high school, even when Aya was struggling so much with studying and her exams, and every sob felt like someone was squeezing the life out of Mitsuki.

"Hey, Aya, baby, it's ok, I'm here."

"Why…?" Another sob.

"Take a breath baby, ok? Follow me, alright? It's ok." Mitsuki forced her own breathing to steady as she grabbed one of Aya's hands and put it in between her collarbones. "Breathe with me, yeah?"

It took a second, but Aya's breathing slowly started to even out as much as was possible and her crying slowed down just a tad, enough for her to get out what she wanted to say.

"Why are you leaving me…?"

Mitsuki felt the air get knocked out of her lungs. Leaving her?

"… what? Love, I… what?"

Was that what it looked like, for her? That Mitsuki was leaving her? God… she wished she could say it was an irrational fear, but… she guessed it did seem like that was what she was doing, didn't it? The extra shifts, the grand total of zero conversations they'd had since their fight, the fact they hadn't even properly looked at each other since. She really couldn't blame Aya for coming to that conclusion. She could only blame herself.

"I- I just- I know how much you- how much you loved music and… and now you don't even look at your guitar anymore and you don't even look at me anymore and- and why won't you talk to me!?" Aya's crying started all over again, Mitsuki too stunned to try and stop her from making herself cry even more, "If you love me then why do you avoid me like that!? Do you… do you not love me anymore…?"

"What?"

"Cuz-" Aya hiccuped, "cuz something's wrong! Something- Something's been wrong ever since that concert and- and you were- you were so sad all the time and you'd say over and over that you weren't but you were! You were so sad- and I-" Another sob, "I didn't know what to do, you wouldn't talk to me! And now- now you won't even look at me and-… I just… I… I don't know what to do anymore…"

Aya covered her face with her hands, her breathing getting harsher again, and Mitsuki's hands hovered over Aya's shoulders, not really sure what to do with them.

She'd always vaguely known that avoidance wasn't exactly the healthiest way to deal with… with anything, honestly, but it'd never really caused her any problems, not really. She knew that the way she acted, the way she thought about things, how she felt- it wasn't how most people felt, it wasn't how most people saw the world, but she could never bring herself to care about being different, about being weird. Even after Aya came into her life, she never needed the words that had never even been in her vocabulary to begin with because she had music. They had music. They were both the same type of weird that they could confess their love to each other a hundred times by just playing a song on their speaker and sharing a glance.

But then music started hurting, too. The music that she'd used her entire life to escape from the hurt was now sharp, jagged, it became another gaping wound, one that was much, much harder to look away from. But she still tried. And she practically succeeded. If you close your eyes entirely, it's a lot easier to avoid looking at something too huge to ignore. What she hadn't realized, not until now, was that she'd cut off the only sincere way she had of looking at Aya, of telling her how much she loved her. She didn't have the words, never had, and she didn't have music now, either. She left Aya in the dark.

She couldn't keep avoiding it, not anymore. She'd need to at least look at the bleeding wound music had become for her and face it. She could tell it'd hurt like very little things before had hurt, but… she couldn't bare to see Aya like this, she couldn't bare to hurt her like this. She'd do anything at this point, no matter how much it hurt, as long as Aya was ok at the end of it.

Narita shook Mitsuki out of her trance by the shoulder, "Hey, I think you should take her home."

Mitsuki nodded, holding Aya by her arms to help her stand up. But Aya was so beyond exhausted she immediately leaned against Mitsuki's chest, holding onto her shirt for dear life. She began tracing in her mind their way back home, but not before looking back at Narita.

"You guys have a ride home?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it, just worry about getting you two back."

"Yeah, thanks, Narita."

"And talk to her. Please. She's been insufferable on karaoke nights."

Mitsuki chuckled, "I will. I'll text you when we're home."

Narita walked back inside the bar, keeping an eye on them through the window, and god knew how thankful Mitsuki was that he'd always kept an eye on Aya when Mitsuki wasn't there. Which had been happening a lot, recently, so… she truly was beyond thankful. She'd have to get him free drinks, one day.

She stooped down where Aya was leaning her head against Mitsuki's chest and whispered, "Do you want me to carry you back home?"

Normally, Aya would be too embarrassed to say yes. Mitsuki knew she liked to be carried, she always teased her about it on the mornings, carrying her out of bed to their small table for breakfast, and Aya would hide her face behind her hands, blushing endlessly but struggling too much to hide her giggling, and Mitsuki would grab her hands out of her face and kiss her, and Aya would complain about morning breath. It'd been way too long since she'd done that, since she'd heard Aya giggle like that, like there was nowhere else she'd rather be. But Mitsuki guessed that, after crying so much, Aya would be exhausted, maybe too exhausted to walk all the way to the train station and then back home. And, like she guessed, Aya silently nodded against her.

Mitsuki settled Aya so she could carry her on her back, and she started the walk towards the train station, haphazardly sending her boss a voice memo that she'd had to go back home early to deal with an emergency. Sure, this wasn't a… conventional emergency, let's say. But it was to her. She needed to get Aya home, and she needed to figure out how she was going to talk to Aya. What she was going to say.

She knew what was going on, she just… didn't have the words for it. Or the music. How was she going to explain what was going on inside her head?

It didn't even feel like there was all that much going on in her head for her to even explain. Her head was just… empty. Numb. She vaguely remembers how she felt at her last concert, playing the guitar then. It was like… like she had taken a plunge in a deep pool at night, and she could feel, see, hear nothing. Which was the complete opposite of how she used to feel when she played her guitar. She used to feel alive, like she was bursting from the inside out with how free she felt with every string she plucked, every chord she played. Yeah. Before, she felt alive when she played, felt like she was waking up from a trance, and now… now there was nowhere for her to hide from that trance. Playing the guitar at that concert, she didn't really feel… anything at all. It was mechanical, her strumming, her plucking, all of it her body moving for her while she watched from the back of her mind, motionless, without true control over her body, and she was so tired she didn't even want it, anymore.

Even in the nothingness, it felt like there was a back drop of… of grief? She didn't know if it was the right word, but she couldn't think of anything else. It felt like… like your favorite meal tasting sour on the day you needed it the most. Seeking comfort in a favorite spot just to find it ransacked. Needing something so desperately just for it to be gone, and being able to do nothing but stare at the plate of food that in any other day you'd devour in seconds, stare at the spot you'd be throwing your things at and letting your muscles relax at. Being able to do nothing but stare at your guitar, gathering dust on a corner of the room.

"Are you crying?"

Aya asked suddenly, startling Mitsuki—who was convinced that Aya had fallen deeply asleep at this point in their walk, comforted by the soft rising and falling of her chest against her back—with her voice so close to Mitsuki's ear, goosebumps showing up in her neck.

Was she actually crying? Mitsuki turned her focus to her face and realized that, yeah, her eyes stung ever so slightly, and cold, salty tears were running from her eyes all the way down her jaw. She'd simply been so out of it that she hadn't even noticed.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry… did I make you cry? I'm sorry… don't cry…"

"No, baby, don't worry, you didn't make me cry."

"Hm… what was it, then?" Maybe Aya wasn't asleep yet, but she was definitely getting closer to falling deeply asleep with every word.

"I was just… thinking."

"About…?"

"About what we're going to talk about when you're sober." Mitsuki was bracing for the conversation, but there was no way she was having it with Aya as drunk as she was. She'd definitely taken way too many drinks.

"I'm sober!" Aya half screamed, trying to hold herself up some and letting go of Mitsuki's neck, before Mitsuki adjusted her hold on her, hoisting Aya up so she wouldn't fall.

Mitsuki chuckled. "Sure you are, baby."

They kept walking to the station, in a silence way more comfortable than what Mitsuki had been expecting at the beginning of the night. It was so peaceful, it felt almost like it was the calm before the storm, her carrying Aya on her back, holding her like she used to before things started going south, Aya dozing off peacefully with her arms lazily around Mitsuki's neck, her breaths tickling Mitsuki's ears. Once they got to the station entrance, though, Aya seemed to suddenly startle awake,

"Mitsuki."

"Yeah?"

"Let me down."

"Oh, uh, ok…?"

Not even a second after Mitsuki had let Aya step down, she had doubled over and started puking the insane amounts of alcohol she had drunk over the night and any of the food that had taken solace in her stomach.

"Oh shit." Mitsuki immediately went to grab Aya's hair with one hand and rub her back with the other. "It's ok, you're ok love, let it out."

The front of the train station was blissfully quiet at this hour, so thankfully there was no commotion that could stress Aya out more than she already was. It took a couple of minutes of heaving and coughing from Aya to get everything that was making her sick out, but she soon seemed to get steadier. Once Mitsuki felt Aya was ok-ish enough to walk a little bit—she'd carry her again, but she was scared that'd make Aya's stomach more upset than it already was—they walked inside the station, Mitsuki getting both their tickets, and she got Aya a bottle of water from a vending machine at the station for her to drink while they waited at a bench for the train to arrive.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Mitsuki asked quietly, Aya leaning very heavily on her shoulder.

"Mm."

"I'll take that as a not so good." The train should be there any moment now, but Mitsuki worried it'd make Aya dizzy. "Will you be ok on the train? We could always take a cab."

"Mm-mm, I'm ok."

Mitsuki only half believed her, "But you'll tell me if you start feeling sick, ok?"

"Mhm."

Once the train arrived, Mitsuki sat them down next to each other, taking solace in the fact the train seemed to be blissfully empty, and between the motion of the train starting its route and the slightest bit of soberness finding her, Aya came back to her talkative self, a little bit more red coloring her cheeks.

"I have never puked before," she said, looking at the roof of the train, her shoulder touching Mitsuki's.

"Really? Never at all?"

"Well… not because of alcohol, at least."

"Oh… that makes more sense." That feeling of guilt was slowly creeping up Mitsuki's spine again. Aya had never gotten this wasted before, and she'd drank so much because of how awful Mitsuki had made her feel, how unloved she'd made Aya feel. A part of her wanted to hide in a corner and wallow in her guilt, to become a nobody, go to the other half of the country, just to make sure she'd never put tears on Aya's face again. But… well, that was kinda how this whole thing started, wasn't it? If she really wanted to make it up to Aya, she needed to get over herself.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have drank so much."

"No, love, don't apologize, it's ok." Mitsuki shifted herself slightly, turning towards Aya, putting a hand on her cheek to lower Aya's gaze to look at her own, "If anything, I should be the one apologizing to you. I've been awful, haven't I?"

Aya closed her eyes and leaned into Mitsuki's hand, a soft, satisfied noise leaving her throat. She stayed there a second, before opening her eyes and looking right into Mitsuki's eyes. Something about her gaze… Mitsuki couldn't exactly tell what emotion was behind Aya's eye. Something like sadness, but also not too far removed from fear.

"You… you still love me, right?"

If Mitsuki had a penny for every time Aya was breaking her heart tonight… but, well, it was only fair, she guessed, that Mitsuki got some of the hurt she'd been causing Aya.

Mitsuki gave a peck to Aya's forehead and rested her own on hers, "Of course I do, Aya. I always will."

Aya's face slightly contorted, her nose suddenly stuffed, like she was about to cry again, "You promise?"

It was slightly surprising that Aya still had tears left to cry inside her small body, Mitsuki would have to make sure she drank tons of water once they got home, make sure she wasn't dehydrated. She guessed it really spoke to how much Aya loved her, that she was so scared of Mitsuki not loving her anymore. That the possibility terrified Aya so much she'd been crying all night just thinking about it. She'd feel flattered if only her heart wasn't breaking into pieces at record speed. At a loss of what to do with her hands, she pulled Aya into a hug, cradling her.

"I promise Aya. There's no one in this world I could love more than you."

In response, Aya cried silently on the crook of Mitsuki's neck, and they stayed like that for the rest of the way home, Mitsuki softly running her hands through Aya's hair, and she remembered how, back when they were still in high school, she had been yearning to play with Aya's hair without worrying about making it awkward. The younger Mitsuki would've probably had a stroke if she saw how comfortably close they were at this moment, she'd be jumping out of happiness, maybe. When had Mitsuki taken that for granted? When had she decided that avoiding her issues was worth more than this? Than what she'd been longing for, wishing for, for so long?

She never wanted to take Aya for granted again. Not her warmth, her love, her smiles. They'd have a conversation, a real one, and she'd see Aya's smile again. She'd get to see Aya loose herself in the lyrics of a song again. That was worth so much more than a fake sense of comfort, of numbness.

Their station loomed closer, and Mitsuki asked Aya is she wanted her to carry her to their apartment again—but just as she seemed sober enough that the train ride hadn't upset her stomach, she was also sober enough for a blush to creep up her face, looking the other way as she proclaimed she was perfectly sober enough to walk the way to their apartment. So Mitsuki took Aya's hand, and they started the walk together to their apartment. It wasn't that much of a walk, all things considered, and before long, Mitsuki was taking out her keys and opening the door for Aya.

Aya didn't hesitate a second before throwing herself on their couch face first, and Mitsuki chuckled, leaving their things at the entrance for now—she'd put them in their place later, but she needed to get Aya to bed first. She also took a second to text Narita that they'd gotten home, asking him if everyone else had also found their way home safely.

Once she made sure everyone Aya had came to the bar with was good and in their own places, Mitsuki walked to the end of the couch where Aya's face fell, and she crouched to get closer to the couch's height.

"Aya, baby."

"Hm?"

"I'm not having you falling asleep on the couch."

"I'on wanna walk to bed…" Mitsuki couldn't help but smile to herself, and how could she not? Aya was acting all silly… laying on the couch, her face hidden between her arms, the couch pillows, and her hair sprawled out, reaching well below her shoulders. If she let Aya fall asleep without taking her make up off, though, she definitely wouldn't let Mitsuki live it down.

"Your back's gonna hurt like hell tomorrow morning love." She laid a hand on Aya's head, leaving a small kiss on the very top of her temple showing just a tad among the mess of hair and pillows.

"Noooo… I wanna stay here…"

"Baby."

Aya lifted her head to the side, looking Mitsuki straight in the eye with something akin to puppy eyes, like the menace she was, "Please?"

"Nuh-uh, not falling for that, c'mon." Aya would definitely not budge, so… it was time to take matters into her own hands. She grabbed Aya as best she could from just below her arms, lifting her just enough to force her to sit rather than lay on the couch.

"Hey-!"

And then, Mitsuki picked Aya up princess style.

"Heyy!"

"Let's get you to bed."

"That's not fair!" On Mitsuki's arms, Aya tried to wiggle out of her hold, but Mitsuki wouldn't let her. And either way, the walk to their shared room was quick and over, Mitsuki sliding the door open with Aya still in her arms. She let her down slowly on the bed, giving her a kiss on the forehead once she was half settled.

"Hey, remind me where you kept your make-up wipes?"

Aya sat up against their bed headboard groggily, swaying a little bit side to side and rubbing her eyes with sleep. It wouldn't take too long for her to fall asleep once in bed, Mitsuki thought.

"Uh… on the bathroom counter?"

"Alright, I'll be right back."

"Mhm…"

Mitsuki walked to the bathroom, and quickly found the wipes Aya usually used when they were getting ready for bed. It'd been a while since they'd actually gotten ready for bed together, what with Mitsuki's shifts usually stretching late into the night; most of the time Aya would already be cuddled up in bed by the time Mitsuki got home from work, claiming the entirety of their comforter for herself, and Mitsuki would sneak under them, holding Aya softly to try and not wake her up, and sometime in the middle of the night, they'd end up tangled up in each other's bodies. That last part, them cuddling unconsciously, in their sleep, once they were both in the same bed, hadn't happened since their fight. Mitsuki would wake up with Aya's spot of the bed empty, cold, barely a trace of her perfume lingering in their room. She hoped that, at least tonight, they could start that habit back up again.

She took the make-up wipes back to their room, where Aya was still sitting against the head of the bed, but her eyes were closed this time, and every couple of seconds, her body would tilt to the side a bit more, Mitsuki sitting in front of her and holding her body upright to stop her from falling sideways on the bed.

"I'm gonna wipe your make-up off, ok?"

In response, Aya did little more than a small 'hm', a testament to how sleepy she was. Mitsuki wiped Aya's face, taking great care of not wiping her mascara off too harshly. She remembers chastising Aya about being too harsh on her skin with the wipes, so much so that Aya's eyelids would end up reddish sometimes. So Mitsuki tried her absolute best to be as soft as possible while still actually removing the mascara. The lipstick was a bit easier, it had already started to fade before Mitsuki started taking it off, probably thanks to how much drinking Aya had been doing throughout the night. Once she was almost entirely sure most of the makeup was cleaned off of Aya's face, she looked through their closet for the PJs Aya had once declared as her most comfortable ones.

"Want me to help you change?"

"Do I have to…?"

"Preferably. Alright, arms up."

After helping Aya into her PJs, she put her own on as well, going outside their room to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be, heading to their kitchen to fill up a glass of water, to their bathroom to grab their headache pills, and setting it all up on the small table next to Aya's side of the bed. She turned off the light to their room, guiding herself back to bed with the light from her phone's screen, settling next to Aya's sleeping body.

For a couple of seconds, she just stared at Aya's face, quiet, calm, mouth slightly open, hands tucked against her chest. Sometimes, after getting back from work, Mitsuki would stay a couple of minutes just like this, looking at Aya's breath go in and out her nose like there was nothing more interesting in the world than this. She wondered what was going on inside that head of hers, when she fell asleep. Aya wasn't typically one to keep things secret, at least not before their fight. She was always loud in an endearing way, speaking her mind, not thinking too much about it, and Mitsuki wondered if she was like that too, inside her head, in her dreams. She wondered if, now that Mitsuki had cornered Aya, her head was louder than usual. It seemed funny, thinking of it that way. That Mitsuki's mind had been eerily quiet, all her music disappearing from view and from her mind, where Aya's mind got louder, busier, noisier with the things she didn't say.

Maybe she'd ask her about it tomorrow.

Deciding to finally pull the curtains down for the absolute mess that had been that night, Mitsuki gave Aya one last peck on her cheek, and threw an arm around her.

"Goodnight, Aya."

When Aya woke up, one thing made itself very clear, very quickly.

It was too damn bright.

She tried to sit up on the bed at least, but her head immediately complained, loudly and painfully, at merely the thought of it, so she decided that, in the name of her sanity, she'd simply lay in bed until she felt slightly better. She looked at the ceiling with half opened eyes, trying to remember what had happened the night before that had caused this throbbing headache of hers. She was clearly on her own bed, the sheets having that comforting smell of their detergent, so she had gotten home somehow… she just didn't exactly remember how it had happened.

Upon Narita's suggestion, they'd gone to the bar where Mitsuki worked at, much to Aya's protests. For the last couple of weeks, Narita had been going through great lengths to cheer Aya up, and Aya really, truly, and honestly appreciated his efforts… but from the moment they stepped in that club and Mitsuki wouldn't return Aya's gaze, the knowledge that nothing good would come from that night like a prophecy she was being warned about.

The next thing she remembers is that she drank. A lot. Narita had tried to stop her at one point, she remembers, concerned that she was going to drink herself over her limit, but she got more drinks anyways. And then… well… she can't even really pinpoint the exact moment at which her memories became blurry at best, or completely blank at worst. She knows she cried her soul out, for one because she vaguely remembers her own sobs, and also because, well, her eyes were so incredibly puffy and her throat felt like it'd been burnt raw, that really the only logical explanation was that she had cried herself to dehydration, practically. She'd most definitely made a mess of herself. How was she supposed to face Mitsuki now, after they were having so many issues and in general struggling with their relationship, and now Aya embarrassing herself in Mitsuki's workplace? God, she whishes she could burry herself in the dirt until everyone forgot about the whole ordeal.

Almost as if she had manifested her into existence just from thinking about her, the door to her and Mitsuki's bedroom slid open, and Mitsuki walked in with what seemed to be a bowl of warm soup, the smell reaching Aya's nose from the distance.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Mitsuki sang teasingly, leaving the soup on their bedside table and sitting carefully next to Aya on the bed.

Aya, still completely and entirely embarrassed about the state she was in at the moment, pulled their comforter over her head and turned, hiding from Mitsuki.

"Don't look at me… I look disgusting right now."

"No, you don't," Mitsuki chuckled, threading her fingers through the smalls bits and pieces of Aya's hair that were free from the cover of the comforter, "Hey, how's your head feeling right now?"

"Like I just woke up in hell."

"Yeap, that checks out."

Slowly, Aya uncovered her head from below their sheets, looking up at Mitsuki shyly. On the corner of her vision she saw their headache pills and a glass of water on the table, and, trying to ignore how her head hurt at the sudden movement, she gladly took them without a second thought, sitting down on the bed and gulping the glass of water down her throat so fast Mitsuki made a noise of concern and told her to slow down a tad.

She just really wanted to get rid of any physical reminders of last night. Her headache wasn't exactly what you'd call a good sign, even as it was slowly fading away with the pain medication and the water. She doesn't really want to imagine how much more awkward she'd made things, and she guessed it'd been Mitsuki who brought her home, most likely, who's to say she hadn't embarrassed herself too on the way home? God, and they'd already been struggling so much…

"Did I… did I mess up yesterday?"

Mitsuki looked up, although Aya wasn't meeting her gaze, "Mess up? No, no, you didn't mess up anything, why?"

"My eyes are all puffy, and my throat hurts… I don't really remember anything, but it doesn't seem like a good sign…"

Then, for some reason, Mitsuki looked embarrassed as well in response to what Aya had said, putting a hand on the back of her neck and looking down towards their wooden floors, "Ah, that… don't worry about it, that's… really more my fault than yours, isn't it?"

"Your fault? What do you mean?"

"Well… I haven't exactly been the best girlfriend in the world recently."

In Mitsuki's eyes, which a now confused Aya was very intently focused in, there was a look that Aya hadn't seen in a long time. A look of remorse, of… feeling guilty about something. Mitsuki's gaze still fell towards the floor, and Aya was having none of it. She was done with this awkward silence, with this tension that seemed to follow them everywhere. She grabbed Mitsuki's face, softly, but with enough pressure to get her point across, and pulled her gaze towards her own.

"Hey," she practically whispered, in the softest voice she could muster, "talk to me? Please?"

The quickness with which Mitsuki's gaze softened, with which the tension in her body lifted with a sigh and she melted into Aya's touch… Aya had been waiting to see that softness in Mitsuki's face for… for a while now, actually. Recently, the only thing she saw in Mitsuki's face was just fear, sadness, or… or nothing, nothing at all, it wasn't sadness, or anger, or frustration, or… anything, really. And that was probably what scared Aya the most. Not being able to tell what was going on inside Mitsuki's head, looking for signs of something, anything, and coming back empty handed. It'd felt like years since Mitsuki looked at Aya like she used to, since she melted into her touch, back when they were still figuring out this whole loving thing, when they were nervous but so excited at the same time, and the only thing they cared about was being next to each other. It gave Aya some hope, seeing that look in Mitsuki's face, like they would actually find a solution and finally be able to bask in each other's warmth without awkwardness or unsaid things left in the air.

"Eat your soup first, then we'll talk, ok? It's gonna get cold."

"I can listen to you while I eat."

She chuckled, "I'd rather you give some time to your hangover to go away."

Aya rolled her eyes. She could suck up a little hangover if it meant finally hearing her girlfriend talk about what's been bothering her, "It's barely even there anymore!"

"Uh-huh, sure, and the sky is surely green."

"Ughhhh, fine!"

Left with no other option, Aya leaned back on the headboard and started eating the soup Mitsuki had brought her. It was, honestly, a really good soup. Neither Mitsuki nor Aya was particularly proficient at cooking, but they both did their best. And, although Aya always went to great efforts when it was her turn of cooking for Mitsuki, she had to admit that Mitsuki always made the better soups. So, even though at first Aya tried to finish the soup as quickly as possible, anxious as she was to finally talk, a real and honest and full talk, with Mitsuki, she soon enough decided it was too good to down it all in one big swoop and that it was better to savor it.

"What do you put on these hangover soups you make?"

Mitsuki had settled on her own side of the bed, scrolling mindlessly on her phone, while Aya kept eating, "Hm, love?"

"Other than that. I need to know how to make these."

"Why? I'm always here in the mornings to make them for you when you come home drunk."

"But what if you get a hangover?"

A pause. Mitsuki looked at Aya, incredulous, chuckling a little.

"When have I ever gotten nearly as drunk as you have?"

"W-well, you never know! What if one day we go out and I decide I'm gonna be the responsible adult so that you can drink without worrying about me?"

"Even if that happened, I wouldn't drink that much. We've got enough alcoholics in the house as it is."

"That is not fair!"

They laughed together a little, then both fell on a silence that wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't exactly what you'd call comfortable silence. It was nice, though, Aya thought, that they were back to talking like this, laughing like this, like the world started and ended where their bedroom door stood and nothing else mattered in the whole world. She'd missed this, a lot. But there was also the lingering tension of knowing that once Aya's hangover had subsidized, they'd need to have a proper, serious talk, something that they weren't exactly experts in. The most serious conversations they've had were probably about how they were going to pay their bills, who did what chores… the sort of stuff that wasn't lighthearted, but it wasn’t a conversation where feelings were involved. They'd never had a serious conversation about themselves, or about their relationship. They had never needed to, they used to fit together like two puzzle pieces that had gotten lost somewhere along the way but had finally found each other again. Until now, at least.

If anything, when it came to talking about feelings, Aya would always be the one who'd vent about annoying classmates, about feeling stressed out about university, but… Mitsuki was never one to rant, or to vent, nothing of the sort. Aya would tell Mitsuki had a rough day from looking at her when she came home alone, and if she was clingier than usual then that would just be confirmation of her hypothesis, and she'd try her best to comfort her girlfriend. But Mitsuki would never really talk about her feelings, or even ever give them a name. She'd be gloomy for a bit, cuddle with Aya for a bit longer than usual, and then go back to normal. But that just… hadn't been enough after that concert. Even though Mitsuki clearly wanted to pretend that she'd gone back to normal, like she always did, that she was just as happy and satisfied as she was before, Aya could so clearly tell that something was very wrong, that something had changed, but she didn't know what it was, or what to do about it. She felt lost, like she was inside a maze and she had no clue where to even begin figuring things out. But, well, she guessed that's what they were going to talk about.

After maybe 15 minutes of Aya eating and Mitsuki scrolling on her phone, her head against Aya's shoulder, Aya finished up the last few bites of her soup, leaving the empty plate on the beside table and turning to look completely at Mitsuki. Mitsuki's gaze wavered, clearly very nervous about the prospect of having a serious conversation about everything's that had been going on between them.

"You sure your head is feeling ok?" She asked, and while Aya appreciated the concern, she wasn't delaying this conversation anymore.

"Yes, babe, I'm feeling ok, I just want to hear you now." Aya grabbed Mitsuki's hand, tracing circles on the back of it, in the hopes of giving her some sort of sense of comfort.

"It's… it's so weird though, I honestly… I don't even really know what's going on inside my head to really… explain it properly." And Aya believed her. She'd always known Mitsuki wasn't exactly the best at feelings, that if the need arose, she always expressed herself through music, and now that she'd been distancing herself from music, well…

"Don't worry about explaining 'properly', just say whatever's on your mind, yeah?" She didn't want to pressure Mitsuki too much, but she thought she could try and help the words come out easier, maybe, "What happened? At the concert?"

"I… I just… I didn't want you to see that version of me," Mitsuki chuckled, gesturing towards herself with her hands. "They asked me to tone it down with the guitar, before, and… eventually it just… playing it felt so different from how it used to feel, y'know? Before… before it was like, when I touched my guitar, I was suddenly alive again, like all throughout the day I was… just surviving, like there was a switch turned off somewhere inside me, and then I started playing and I was living instead of just surviving, that that switch had turned on for once in the whole entire day, but… after playing with them… during that concert… it didn't feel like that anymore. It was so… mechanical, I guess? I wasn't… I wasn't playing, or… or making music, I was just… strumming the chords. Music felt… empty, like all the passion and love and- and everything had suddenly… disappeared. It was just… something else I had to do.

"But… but music had always been so important… it was important to us." It was at this point that tears started falling from Mitsuki's eyes, starting slow but getting faster with each word Mitsuki said. "How was I gonna look you in the eye, playing music like I was completing a math answer sheet, when music had always been the thing that made everything… fit, for us? I just… I thought you weren't going to go to the concert and I was so relieved that… that you wouldn't see me playing like that… you wouldn't see me treating music like it was just… whatever. And after the concert I could just pretend it hadn't happened, go back to you, and then I'd be back to normal, music would go back to being this amazing wonderful thing that we both loved, that we shared and that was like this bridge for us to just… be ourselves. And you'd never know what I had done… to our bridge, to me. You were never supposed to see… but then you did… and the whole ruse just fell apart in front of my eyes and… and it was like I lost music and you at the exact same moment."

"Oh, baby…" God, if Aya had only known… it felt comically ironic now, that Aya had been so scared of Mitsuki not loving her anymore.

"And I just… I thought… I thought I had killed something between us, y'know? That I… that it wouldn't be the same, after what I did, but… but then I thought, maybe I didn't have to loose you both? I thought… music was ruined, it was gone and dead and I'd never look at it or hear it the same… but maybe I could still have you. Maybe if I just… ignored all of it, then… I'd get to have a bit more time with you, before you realized what I'd done and… I don't know… left me, or something."

"No… Mitsuki, that's not…"

"I just… I was so scared of loosing you… but then you confronted me about it and… and I couldn't avoid it anymore, but… but how was I supposed to… how was I gonna look you in the eye? After what I did? I thought… I thought that after what I'd done, when I really and truly explained that I'd turned music into just another… thing… I thought that you'd… that you'd leave…"

"Mitsuki..."

"I couldn't, Aya, I just… I couldn't bear to loose you too, and if I needed to ignore it all just for a bit more time with you then I was willing to do it, happy to, but then I… I was hurting you so much… I… I didn't want to talk about it, so I was just avoiding you… maybe I, I don't know, thought it'd blow over and we'd be back to normal soon enough… I didn't even realize how much I was hurting you… so much for not wanting to loose you, huh?" Mitsuki sort of sadly chuckled, tears flowing out of her now like they had nowhere else to go. So many things made sense, now that Mitsuki had explained it. She'd had a hunch, about some of what was happening inside Mitsuki's head but… she'd had no clue of how deep it went.

Aya put both her hands on Mitsuki's cheeks and hoisted herself up just a bit to give her girlfriend a forehead kiss.

"You're not loosing me, Mitsuki, ok?" She forced Mitsuki to look her in the eyes, "Look at me, I really mean that. You're not loosing me. I… I was so scared that you were going to leave me, ironically."

A small laugh escaped Mitsuki's lips, "Yeah… that's why you were crying yesterday, wasn't it?"

In less than a second, Aya felt a warm rush going to her cheeks, and she covered her face with her hands. This was not the time, "That is not the topic of this conversation! Don't even talk about it! Ugh, you get my point! I'm not leaving you as long as you don't talk about that! I'm never living that down…"

Suddenly, she felt Mitsuki's arms envelop her, and Aya felt the flutter of her eyelashes, the puffs of air from her laughter, on her neck, "Thank you, Aya."

"Huh? For what? For making a mess at your workplace?"

Mitsuki laughed, "For being the best girlfriend I could've ever asked for." She leaned back, still holding Aya's waist between her arms, and she gave Aya a kiss. A soft, loving, kiss. Like Mitsuki wanted to really translate her words into a feeling, into a sensation. And Aya felt it. "I love you, I love you so much."

Aya met Mitsuki's gaze, and she saw what she'd been crying about "loosing" less than twelve hours ago. She saw in Mitsuki's eyes that "I love you" she'd just said moments ago, and Aya felt the happiest she's been almost in the entire past month. They were going to be ok, she thought, because if Mitsuki loved Aya this much, and Aya knew she loved Mitsuki more than anything there was in this world to love, then they could get through anything.

They still weren't out of the tunnel, Aya knew. She wanted to give Mitsuki her music back, make her realize that it could go back to being something that brought Mitsuki alive, and she had a hunch that would take more than just one conversation. But, at least now, she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. And they were gonna cross that tunnel together, hand in hand.

"I love you, too, Mitsuki."