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Despite previous evidence and several witnesses, Varian was a highly organized person. To see the genius behind it, one needed a certain artistic eye, one that some people (cough, Eugene, cough) did not seem to possess. That being said, Varian could easily be able to give you a list of why Hugo Rottewange was easily the worst person he knew.
1. He's extremely selfish
While you could pry this fact from Varian's cold and dead hands, he had to admit that Hugo was insanely good at what he does. The most impressive mechanical feat he'd managed to do was contributed to either the water boilers or the army of killer robots he built when he was fourteen. But those either took him years of trial and error or were surprisingly simple to reverse engineer.
But Hugo built a fucking mouse made out of metal that could walk and move on its own when he was seven.
It was incredibly unfair.
"Don't worry Goggles," Hugo said, obviously preening at Varian's gawking, "Not everyone can be a child super-genius like me."
"You have to tell me how she was made." Varian demands. He knew Ingvarr was advanced but this was a whole other level of incredible.
"I will," Hugo smirks, "For a price."
This pulls Varian out of his stupor.
"Wha- Hey! I'm not going to pay you for this!"
Hugo shrugs, "Then I guess I just won't tell you."
"With technology like this you could change the Seven Kingdoms! The entire world as we know it!"
"It could, but then again, you're out of money."
Varian narrows his eyes, "That's very selfish of you."
"Thank you," Hugo says, "I know."
2. He pretends to not care
"Yong's missing!"
Hugo looked up at him with mild disinterest, "So?"
"So we have to go find him!"
For strange reasons, Yong had taken a strong liking to Hugo. Varian wondered if this was how it looked to Cass when he first met Eugene. He thought that maybe Hugo was starting to warm up to Yong too, but apparently not because now Yong was lost in an unfamiliar city and Hugo didn't seem to give a shit.
"I don't see why I have to go." Hugo says, picking at his nails.
Varian's not stupid, a majority of his family consists ex-thieves or former knights. Basically a lot of people that grew up learning how to school their faces. He's learned how to pick up on everybody's little tells. Kiera picks her nails when she's avoiding a question too.
"He looks up to you and we'll cover more ground if we work together."
"Thought you didn't trust me enough to wander off by myself."
It takes everything in him to not throttle the blonde thief right then and there.
Thankfully Yong was by a stall that they had gone to a couple hours before. The boy cheerfully informed them about his parents advice to stay put if he ever got lost then went on a long ramble about other times he'd gotten lost.
"Glad you're back Dynamite," Hugo says, fondly ruffling Yong's hair, "I was worried."
Varian glares at him.
3. He's well traveled
"I'm telling you Goggles, you have to trust me on this."
"Uh huh," Varian says, fixing what he hopes is a deadpan look upon Hugo, "Because you have been ever so truthful on this trip so far."
Hugo glares at him, "This is literally the reason why you brought me along! To use my expertise of the road for the better! Well here I am, actually doing my job for once, telling you that me and my expertise say that going down that road is a bad idea!"
Varian sighs and looks down at the map again. The route highlighted, the original one, says the quickest way is through the forest. Hugo on the other hand is insisting that if they take a detour through the mountains they'll get to the next town a day early.
"Why," Varian asks, rubbing his face exasperatedly, "would going through the mountains, which are known for being highly unstable, be faster Hugo?"
Hugo throws his hands out, "For the last time! It just is! Sometimes the best route isn't always so straight and narrow."
Ugh, now he sounded like Rapunzel's motivational seminars she tried starting a few years ago.
"Listen," Hugo says, "You could go the original route and waste a day or you could take the faster, more efficient way. I'll just remind you that out of the three of us here, I'm the one most traveled."
Unfortunately the blonde was right. Varian hadn't really ever left Corona aside from that one time that ended up with him stuck inside a seashell. Even if it went against his better judgement, maybe Varian could learn to trust Hugo.
It felt wrong even thinking that. Ew.
4. He lied about being well traveled
"Hugo." Varian says, turning to face the blonde.
"Yes Goggles?" Hugo responds, guilty avoiding eye contact.
"How is it that Adira," Varian points towards the stoic woman who's standing in the middle of the road, "says that this route is in fact longer whereas you claimed otherwise?"
Hugo continues to avoid eye contact, "So I might've exaggerated my travel expertise. Big deal. I'm a con-man, you should've really seen this one coming Goggles."
Varian groans, "I didn't think that you would lie about something so pointless! What could you possibly have to gain from lying about this anyways?"
"I dunno," Hugo shrugs.
"Why of all the things-what is the-ugh!"
5. What kind of a last name is Rottewange anyways?
It's actually Nuru who poses this question. As the newest member of the quest, Nuru was immediately distrustful of the blond thief. Apparently he stole her necklace or something a few years back. The hatred was mutual, apparently Nuru was the personification of everything Hugo's ever despised.
And that's just great! Now instead of going to Varian, Hugo starts going to Nuru to pick fights. Everything's almost worse now, Varian's had Yong confirm that Nuru's gotten into more physical fights with Hugo than he has.
"Can we please all just stop fighting?" Yong whines.
"I will when Hugo stops being wrong!" Nuru retrots.
"I am not wrong about anything," Hugo says.
"Please, what even kind of last name is Rottewange anyways?"
"How is this relevant this situation?" Hugo demands, throwing his arms out dramatically.
"You can literally spell the word Rotten with it!" Nuru yells, point an accusing finger at Hugo, "Your destiny was written in the stars that you're a no-good double-crosser!"
6. All those fucking nicknames
Varian was no stranger to nicknames. Ever since Eugene first barged into his house all those years ago he's been called almost every nickname someone could possibly think of under the sun. Varitas. Hairstripe. Professor Snakehead, though that one didn't make much sense unless you were part of that group that got sucked into the Lost Realm. The point is that he's used to whatever such nicknames are thrown his way.
Or he was until he met Hugo.
It seemed like Hugo's personal mission to think of the most creative and/or annoying nicknames for Varian in existence.
"Goggles" he was most commonly referred to. Not very creative to say the least.
"Freckles" was another one Hugo seemed to be fond of, along with "Hairstripe"
"Sweet Cheeks" from that time Varian shoved an entire doughnut in his mouth and Hugo claimed that it made him look like a chipmunk.
"Hummingbird" because he quote unquote "hummed a lot and fluttered around like a very confused bird"
"Blue". Varian's completely unsure as to whether or not this counted as creative because on one hand he color coded everything blue but on the other hand it's not like anyone else called him that before.
"Moonbeam". Varian's not sure about that one either. It sounded oddly personal, kinda like how Eugene calls Rapunzel Sunshine. The thought of Hugo calling him something akin to one of Eugene's pet names fills his stomach with a strange warm feeling that isn't entirely unpleasant.
One day, Nuru shows him a page of her notebook. It's a list of tally marks next to what appears to be a nickname that Hugo calls him. She then soundlessly flips to a second page that contains a page containing nicknames Hugo calls Nuru and Yong, which is filled with considerably less tally marks. She gives him a look.
"That doesn't mean anything." He says, feeling heat crawl up his neck.
"Sure it doesn't." Nuru says, looking unconvinced.
7. Whatever happened that one time they were drunk
The group had just gotten the fifth token. Totem. Whatever. To celebrate they went to a local pub and Varian and Hugo may or may not be a little tipsy at the moment. Yong was too young to do anything legally and had decreed that he preferred chocolate milkshakes instead. Nuru could technically drink but apparently plain o' beer wasn't refined enough for her tastes.
Varian had cut him and Hugo off a couple shots in. (Look at him being responsible!) He really didn't want to deal with a hangover the next morning nor did he think that Nuru and Yong were capable of wrestling both drunk Hugo and Varian back to the caravan successfully.
And he possibly also had some embarrassing feelings for someone he'd rather not confess while being drunk in the middle of nowhere.
Hugo didn't seem to mind. He pouted and whined dramatically but seemed content to share stories about heists he pulled to the group. Whether or not they were fictional, Varian had no clue. But they were entertaining nonetheless.
"So," Nuru giggles, "Who's your celebrity crush?"
Varian's not sure what she finds so funny. She only had a chocolate milkshake like Yong. Is she high from a sugar high? Oh, high from a sugar high sounded good. Maybe he should write a book. That was funny because he was looking for a magic library and he was thinking about writing a book.
While Varian was hysterically giggling to himself, Hugo looks dramatically into the distance.
"The Alchemist of Old Corona," he sighs wistfully.
That sentence alone is enough to bring Varian back from his book-library fantasy. He feels oddly sober now.
"What?" He asks.
Hugo sighs again, "Mhmm. They say he's the most powerful alchemist in the entire Seven Kingdoms. I'd fuck him if I had the chance."
Varian's had a lot of reactions to his past life as a villain. Fear, shock, anger, that one really weird merchant from Arendelle who was probably drunk and yelled his approval. Never this. This wasn't something people did around him. Ever.
Varian just sits there stewing in his own unnameable emotions for the rest of the outing. It isn't until Yong crawls into his bed hours later that he finally says something.
"Why are you so quiet?" He asks.
Varian's too tipsy to think the next words that come out of his mouth, "I'm the Alchemist of Old Corona. That's me. Hugo has a crush on me."
Yong giggles, "You like that, don't you?"
Varian shrugs noncommittally, "Maybe a little."
8. He pretends to not care
See, the thing about pretending to not care is that you were caring in the first place.
Varian knows Hugo does care, about Yong, about Nuru, about him. The thing is, every time he opens up a little, every time Varian gets a sneak peak about what's underneath, Hugo shuts down. He avoids talking to anyone completely, or even make eye contact. The worst part is that Yong and Nuru look to him whenever this happens. And Varian has no clue how to respond to something like this!
Why, he wants to scream at the blond, why do you keep pushing everyone away? What is holding you back? Can't you see that we care about you, that I care about you?
Why why why why why
9. He has absolutely no respect for other people's property of belongings
Once again, Varian is reminded of one of his favorite reasons why he left Corona.
See, when Varian was fourteen or so he may or may not have went through a rebellious teenage phase that happened to include terrorizing the kingdom and assaulting the royal family. And then a year or so later he may or may not have joined the Separatists of Saporia to then successfully overthrow Corona.
He's been working on it, trying to get better. To be better. But things were still tense with a few people, and Varian had accepted that. He couldn't make people forgive him nor could he completely erase the effects of his actions either. The most he could do was try his best.
Nigel was unfortunately one of these such people. Nigel was the Royal Adviser, and the one who gave the order to throw him out in the snow kick-starting his path to terrorism. Then during the Saporian takeover Varian threw him in a cell and broke all the elastics on his ponytails as revenge.
But they apologized. Kinda. They had what Varian assumed was a heart to heart and they admitted the ways that they had hurt each other and promised to move past them.
However, there was one little thing Nigel couldn't seem to let go.
During the Saporian takeover, Varian took on the role as the Royal Adviser. Nigel seemed a little irritated that Varian had taken over his job, but no, not only that he constantly complained about how bad Varian was at it.
If that was the worst Nigel could do then fine! Honestly, the constant remarks about his inability to successfully lead were humbling. Sometimes he just wishes that they didn't cut so close to home.
So Varian was sitting in the gardens after Nigel said something along the lines how he was "impressed that he'd managed to keep everyone alive for so long, especially considering the fact that he could barely do the same for the Saporians".
That one had cut kinda deep. He'd been anxious about being the leader ever since he first met Yong, and apparently anxious for Varian meant something more extreme for everybody else.
"Hey," said a certain blonde someone, eyes alight with mischief, "I got you these."
Varian's face flushed, since when did Hugo start giving him flowers? Where'd he even get sunflowers from anyways, the only ones growing around here were-
"Hugo you didn't." He gasps.
"Well, ever since that stuffy butler talked to you, you went over here and started sulking-"
"Not sulking,"
"Brooding then," Hugo corrects, "So I went over and tore up some sunflowers."
"I can't believe you," Varian says, laughing despite himself, "And for the record, Nigel's the Royal Adviser, not a butler."
"So he's like a glorified butler then," Hugo shrugs.
"How'd you even sneak in there-actually know what, I don't want to know."
"I tore up the ones you could see from the windows, I've completely destroyed his perfect view out of the window."
Varian barely manages to stifle his laughs, "We're both going to get in trouble!"
"Oh c'mon. Loosen up a little Goggles. We both know it's the revenge that makes this extra special." Hugo smirks.
Varian wants to say that it's actually the fact that Hugo noticed Varian was upset and decided to enact vengeance in his name that made it special. He didn't even say anything to him, he just instinctively knew.
10. He's a stupidly good kisser
So.
Maybe he should've listened to Nuru a little more. God-fucking-dammit he used to be the feared Alchemist of Old Corona! He outsmarted an entire kingdom, he should've known how to spot a liar.
Hypothetically, he might've gotten very upset then locked himself in the Eternal Library. Then gotten possessed by his mom. Heh, opps.
But then somehow Hugo was there! How he even got in, Varian has no idea, but he's very grateful. He'd like to be in control of his body again and not have it be piloted by a crazy ginger any longer than it has to. He really has to give Rapunzel credit, she was stuck in a tower for about the same time as his mom and only had like, three books to read and she managed to not go insane.
Once everything is over, Varian slowly manages to feel his body again, and wow does everything hurt.
"Varian?" Hugo asks, wide-eyed and slightly shaking.
"I was beginning to think you didn't even know my name," Varian says.
Hugo surges forward and wraps Varian in a crushing hug.
"Varian," he sobs, "Oh Varian."
Hmm, what a pretty name when Hugo said it.
"Hey," Varian says, nudging Hugo so he can look him in the eyes, "I'm here. I'm alive. You saved me."
Hugo continues crying, "I am so so sorry. About lying, about this, about-"
Varian sighs and Hugo immediately stops talking, looking at the younger with concern.
"Is something wrong?" Hugo asks, "Does something hurt, or-or do you want me to leave or maybe-"
Varian giggles, "Moon and stars, you're so stupid Hugo."
Hugo looks so adorably confused until Varian leans in and kisses him.