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It was nearly 11pm when Abel opened the window to their shared bedroom. He hefted his backpack over his shoulder as his older sister watched, concern etched into her opposite colored eyes. A book was long forgotten in her lap.
“It's Tuesday.” She caught his eye.
“So?” He pulled his beanie over his head and braced against the wall. She put down her book and shifted to the edge of her bed.
“Can you please just stay? For me?”
“You'll be fine.” He grumbled.
“What will I tell mom and dad?”
“I don't know, man” she tensed “you'll think of something! Or don't, I don't care! I have somewhere I need to be.”
“Abel…” she swiped at her eyes. He pretended not to notice as she was grasping at straws and turned back to face the window.
“What? What do you want from me?” He spat.
“Abel? I think I'm a boy.” He froze, careful not to make eye contact.
“Go to bed, Luna.” He pushed himself through the window and landed on the grass outside. He looked back up to see his sister(brother?) giving him those sad puppy eyes they'd mastered so well. He bit his lip and turned away swiftly.
“Be safe…” she whispered. He ignored them, trudging through their overgrown yard and jumping the fence at the end. Luna watched him until he completely disappeared from sight, then closed the window with a sigh.
He didn't care. Of course he didn't care. Nobody cared.
The room was too quiet for comfort.
•••
The first thing Luna noticed when she opened her eyes was that Abel wasn't there. She pushed herself up in bed and looked over to the alarm clock on their shared desk.
3:57am.
“What…?”
A sob coming from another room had her snapping her head to the door. That must be what had woken her up. She threw her covers off and shuffled to the door. A few paces to the left sat Sol, her little sister. Fat tears were rolling down her cheeks but she was silent. Luna sank down to her knees.
“What happened, sunny?”
“There's policemen in the living room. I'm scared…”
“Policemen?”
She nodded. “Mommy isn't happy.” There were more sobs coming from the direction of the living room.
“Stay right there.” She pushed herself back up and ran to her mother.
“Mom?!”
Her mother was sitting on the couch, head held in her hands. Her father was pacing on the other side of the room, muttering something incomprehensible. In the middle of the room stood two police officers, one holding Abel’s bag. Luna ran to her mother's side.
“Why are they here, mom? What happened?” She hissed quietly.
“Th-they found your brother.” The hair stood up on the back of her neck.
“What do you mean ‘they found him’?” Had they finally caught him? Were they going to take him away, as Abel had always feared?
She raised her head and took her daughter's hands in her own.
“He's gone, moonlight. Someone found his body down at the docks.” Luna couldn't help the broken laugh that escaped her chest.
“No- no, he was with his friends! They would have taken care of him-” she shook her head.
“They left him there. They left my baby to die…” the sobs started up again, her shoulders falling up and down as she shook.
“How… how did it happen?” Luna turned her attention to the officers.
“It's hard to say so soon, but most likely an overdose. Looks like he might've hit his head too.” He held out the bag for Luna to take.
“Sorry for your loss.” The other officer added, face looking more bored than anything. Luna snatched the bag away.
“You don't look very sorry.”
The officer shrugged and opened the door so both of them could file out.
“It's okay, mom… it'll be okay…”
Oh, if only she could believe that.
•••
It was her 17th birthday. Abel had been gone for a year now, and things had just gotten unbearable at home. Mom was a wreck, Dad was angry at everything and nothing, and poor little Sol didn't have a clue what was going on. Sometimes she still asked when Abel was coming home. Luna didn't have the heart to tell her he was gonna for good.
She felt empty. Every day she had to get up and face the kids who left her brother to die in the cold and pretend she didn't hate them. That she didn't know what they'd done. She wondered if they felt remorse for it. They definitely seemed different now, but some of that might have just been her projecting.
She couldn't live like this forever. Couldn't lie anymore. She couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't so much as breathe without seeing him right there, right where he belonged.
And the last conversation they'd had? The only proper one in MONTHS?
Yeah, she couldn't forget that either. A distant part of her mind told her that it was that one stupid sentence that sent him over the edge. Maybe he took those pills because he just couldn't stand to be around her anymore. Or maybe he did it because he couldn't stand to be around himself.
Did he do it on purpose? Did he know he was taking his last breaths? Was he scared?
She wished she could have held him as he went. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. She was terrified that he died thinking that nobody really cared about him. He had always been the black sheep of the family. Dad was just awful to him.
Now that Abel was gone, Luna became his new target. Never Sol. Sol was better than all of them. She was the only good thing in this broken home. Not born damaged like Luna, or damaged by time like Abel.
Just. Whole.
She'd be so much better off if Luna was gone. Maybe Dad would finally get nicer if all of his failure children were just. Gone.
She wondered if Abel went to heaven. She wondered if she would go to heaven.
Probably not.
She just needed to get this one last thing off her chest, to finally send her over the edge so she could do what needed to be done. So she could die knowing she was the ultimate failure, one that not even her parents could love.
“I'm trans.”
Dad was furious. He started to throwing their things out of the window, screaming that they were bringing shame on his brother's name- trying to be him. He told her to leave and never come back.
Mom just shook her head. She had no energy left.
So… that was that.
They hadn't bothered to write a note. There wasn't anything left to say. They just needed to get down to the docks so they could be close to him again- then it would be over.
Or, that's what was supposed to happen.
“Luna!”
“What do you want, Mike?!” They threw their head back to face him, tears streaming down their face.
“Jesus, girl! Calm down! I was just wondering if you wanted to buy a bird.”
“A… what?”
“A bird!” He held up a cage with a small blue budgie inside. “His name's Bubble. Can't take care of him anymore and I figured taking care of things was kind of your… thing? I don't know.”
Luna bent down to look at the small bird. He seemed sad, head drooping and feathers falling off of him. They traced their finger along one of the bars and the bird bristled inside.
“Damn it…”
They couldn't just leave him. Not like that. They thrust their hand into their pocket and handed a wad of cash to Mike. He counted it quickly and handed them the small cage. He waved as he walked away.
“What are we gonna do now, stupid little bird?” They mumbled.
Guess the docks were gonna have to wait.