Archive of Our Own

When Colt Seavers looked over his shoulder, he felt the wound open again.

He blinked a few times, inhaling shakily as he looked back in front of him. His suit suddenly felt wrong, his tie was too tight around his neck, his shoes were too small, and everything felt wrong. 

Because Ryland wasn’t there. Ryland was supposed to be there.

This was the happiest day of his life. In two minutes, the doors at the end of the aisle were going to open and he was going to see the love of his life standing at the end of the hall. She was going to be holding a bouquet of pink roses and white lilies that she’d shown him a few days ago. He was surprised to see something so traditional, but he knew what it meant all the same.

He knew that she was going to look perfect. He knew that the photographer hovering somewhere was going to snap a picture of the tear that was inevitably going to escape when he saw her for the first time. He knew that he was going to smile like a little kid again when she told him and the officiant that she was going to stay at his side, in sickness and in health. He knew that they were going to show their future kids photos from this day and call it the happiest day of their lives, and quietly ignore the gaping hole left behind by the one person who should’ve been there for it all.

Left behind by Ryland Grace.

Jody’s maid of honor, a friend from her childhood in England that he’d been politely introduced to during a break in filming between various European locations, took her place with the other bridesmaids. She smiled at him. “She looks gorgeous,” she whispered, looking back at the doors.

Colt tried to say something, but the words were lodged in his throat. He looked down at Jody’s side, remembering the uneven ratio of bridesmaids and groomsmen. She had one more than he did. It was all unbalanced. Their photographer had said something during the rehearsal, suggested that Dan move closer in, but Colt refused. The space wasn’t empty to him, it belonged to someone. It belonged to Ryland.

He glanced up at the ceiling and squeezed his eyes shut, his mind wandering back to the day he and Jody met. When he’d driven up to Ryland’s apartment after wrapping on a set in Monterey, he’d danced around the room like a lovesick Disney prince, telling his twin brother all about the girl that he knew he was going to marry.

Ryland had asked if he was invited to the wedding.

Colt had told him he was the best man.

Of course, they got married six years too late for that to be the case.

He turned back to the doors, listening as the music swelled as the doors began to slowly open. His breath hitched as he saw her for the first time, and almost on cue, a tear slipped down the side of his face. He heard the click of the camera as a soft smile spread across his lips, one hand coming up to cover his mouth.

She looked nearly ethereal, and paradoxically more beautiful than he could ever imagine, while also barely holding a candle to the first time he’d seen her. The gown was gorgeous–classy, elegant, and a blend of modern and traditional that was so quintessentially Jody. There was something familiar about it that finally struck him as she joined him at the altar.

“Isn’t that the wedding dress Julia Roberts wore in Notting Hill?” He asked, tucking a stray piece of her blond hair behind her ear.

“Inspired by it, yes,” Jody admitted sheepishly. “My mother’s idea, really. She’s the big Julia Roberts fan; she introduced me to Notting Hill when I was still in primary school.”

Colt smiled, wiping another tear. “Well, I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl who happens to be the love of my life in the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen, asking if she’s ready to spend the rest of her life with me,” he whispered as Jody fixed a few stray pieces of his hair.

“You, are such a sap,” she laughed.

“You love me for it,” he teased, tracing lazy circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. “Why else would you be marrying me?”

“The ring was quite nice, and I do appreciate that you always pay for dinner.”

He shook his head. “I see. LA girls always want actors for their money.”

“I sign your paychecks,” she hissed. “And excuse you, I’m from Bristol. And I will be keeping my UK passport which means I will be enjoying my visa-free travel while I’m on assignment while you-” she poked him in the chest- “have to fill out paperwork.”

Colt leaned forward, brushing his lips across her forehead. “I will do any amount of paperwork if it means I get to stay by your side for the rest of my life.”

Jody smiled softly, tilting her head and looking behind him at the empty space. Her heart ached as he stiffened when her eyes flicked back to his. “He should’ve been here,” she whispered. “He’d be so proud of you.”

He blinked, ducking his head slightly. “It feels wrong,” he breathed, “without him. I feel like I’m missing something.” Colt sniffled, wiping at his eyes as the officiant began his speech. “I swear to God, it’s like- it’s like he’s here but all I can think about is how unbalanced everything is because he’s not actually-” He squeezed his eyes shut as Jody kissed his cheek.

She rested one of her hands over his heart, which he covered with his own, and squeezed his other hand tightly. “He’s here, Colt. It’s not the way you want him to be but- but it’s all we have. And it’s never going to be enough, but it’s better than nothing. And we both know that if he could be here, he would.”

“He’s- he is here, it’s just-” Colt sighed, feeling the ghost of a hand on his other shoulder. He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to forget reality and disappear into the fantasy of his twin brother being at his wedding. Alive. Standing beside him as his best man. “God,” he breathed, choking back a sob. “God, I miss him, Jody.” He wiped at his eyes. “I just- I didn’t expect it to hit this hard today. I thought I had it under control.”

She nodded solemnly. “I forgot for a moment,” she assured him, rubbing small circles over the back of his palm. “When I started to walk, I expected him to be right there. Like he was just late getting in last night for the rehearsal and everything would be fine today.” She watched Colt sniffle and shook her head. “I was so confused for a second. I might’ve even said something to my dad.” Jody glanced behind him one more time. “I’ll be here, Colt. I know-”

“You,” he whispered, tracing her chin with his hand, “are so much more than enough, and so much more than I deserve. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The officiant cleared his throat, and suddenly they’re both pulled back to where they are. Some ballroom at a venue they shouldn’t have gotten access to without Jody’s connections. Standing together, about to be married. “I heard from friends and family,” he began, “that this love was one born at first sight. According to a good friend of the groom-” Colt raised an eyebrow- “Dan Tucker, the first day the couple met involved Colt ‘stumbling over his words like a preschooler talking to their first crush’ and Jody politely humoring him.”

He shook his head as Jody covered her mouth, trying and failing to stifle her laughter. Colt looked over his shoulder, glaring at Dan, who was doing everything in his power to keep himself from doubling over in laughter. 

“From Jody’s family,” the officiant announced, letting the laughter in the room die down. “I’ve heard it was like watching a feel-good love story where a spunky young film enthusiast moves to the States and to LA to make her dreams come true, and falls in love in a way that you only really see in the movies.”

She smiled sheepishly as a pale flush spread across her cheeks. “Aww,” Colt teased. “Does someone have a crush on me?”

“This is literally our wedding day.”

Colt smirked a little too proudly.

“I know that this couple has gone through highs and lows that seem almost insurmountable to us, but they have chosen to stick together, uniting themselves against life’s hardships and taking comfort in the idea that they will always have the other to lean on.” He squeezed her hands tightly, unable to stop the rogue tear slipping down the side of his face. Jody squeezed back three times. I. Love. You.

He loses himself for a moment as the officiant continues with his speech. He reads something that Jody had picked out, and like a practiced presenter, Colt recites the vows he wrote and rewrote over and over again until the words were practically engraved in his heart. There’s so much more he wants to say, but there’s a level where his promises to her need to be heard by her alone.

He barely hears hers over his frantic attempts to keep himself from crying more than he already has. He hears the photographer’s camera clicks and he knows that Jody and Dan will be huddled around the computer, hunting for the photos of him crying like their lives depend on it. He’s not quite sure what is being said when he slips her engagement ring and wedding band back onto her left hand, and he swears that there’s another pair of hands there to steady his. A silent, invisible presence that he wishes so badly was real. Ryland.

The officiant pulls him out of his daze as he clears his throat again, looking between the two of them. “From the moment you two first met each other, to the moment you both realized that your love was real, to the moment that you decided to make this commitment official in front of all of your loved ones-” Colt choked back a sob, the space behind him seeming more empty than ever- “these are the moments that have led you here. The time for you to give your consent in marriage.” He turned to Colt. “Colton, we’ll start with you.”

Jody smiled at him as he inhaled, nearly wincing as the officiant began. “Do you, Colton Kenneth-” Jody’s jaw dropped as one of her hands came up to stifle her laughter while Colt rolled his eyes with a shake of his head- “Seavers, take Jody Anne Moreno to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live?”

And with no hesitation, no hint of doubt, he answers. “I do.”

The officiant nodded approvingly before turning to her. “And do you, Jody Anne Moreno, take Colton Kenneth Seavers to be your lawfully wedded husband, for as long as you both shall live?”

She smiles. “I do.”

“Then by the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Her hands found the back of his head first, pulling him close as their lips met. His hands found her waist, and he held her there for as long as he could. For a moment, this was the happiest day of his life. He’d just married the girl of his dreams, surrounded by all of the people they loved most in the world.

Well, almost all of them.

He pushed the ache in his heart out of his mind alongside the chill of the empty space behind him. He pushed it all away. It would all come flooding back when their wedding photos were sent to them. The uneven spacing between his groomsmen. The empty space next to him, left for Ryland and Ryland alone.

Colt’s left desperately holding onto that false reality as Jody pulls away, hand coming to rest against his face, and he leans into her touch. “You’re my wife,” he whispered, kissing the palm of her hand. “Jody Seavers. I like how that sounds.”

“I do have to ask-”

“Oh God, please no.”

“Kenneth?”

“You heard none of that,” he groaned as she took his arm, the music beginning to swell as they made their way back down the aisle. “My middle name is Danger. Legally.”

She smirked. “I was told that Colt “Danger” Seavers was a stage name. Whatever happened to Colt “Profesh” Seavers?”

“Professionalism went out the window when I convinced my boss to marry me,” he shot back, kissing her again. “Jody Anne Seavers,” he said with a smile. “It just- it just sounds right.”

The hotel in Tokyo was fancier than usual. It made sense, the studio had a massive budget, they needed a hit, and they were willing to make sure that multiple-time Oscar and Golden Globe-winning genius director, Jody Moreno-Seavers, was more than accommodated in order to make it happen.

Being married to the director, it seemed, also had its perks.

Colt stared out the window, tapping his foot nervously as he watched rain trickle down the glass panes. There was a half-abandoned book on the coffee table, some sort of collection of essays explaining their impending doom if Project: Hail Mary failed. The words seemed to swim on the page, and he’d been having splitting headaches, until one essay, talking about potential ways to find a solution to the astrophage had cited work done by one of the top astrophage experts who worked on the project. Who’d died for the project. Dr. Ryland Grace.

He’d abandoned it as soon as his eyes traced the letters of his twin brother’s name. It’d been eight years, but the wound hadn’t started to even scab over, and just the name of his permanently missing other half had torn the little healing straight off. It had been eight years since his brother died. It had been six years since the last time someone had mistaken him for his baby brother. It had been two years since he’d realized that healing from that loss was going to take longer than he’d hoped.

He tried to ignore it, but it didn’t help that Jody could read him like a book.

Jody.

Colt glanced towards the other half of the suite, seeing the light poke out from under the door to the bathroom. She’d been in there a while, and he winced. He’d practically carried her back from the set yesterday when she’d randomly gotten sick. He’d ordered her room service, tucked her in, tried to do everything for her. With the exception of whatever she’d slipped away to do while Colt was showering that morning. 

He finally groaned, standing up to pace back and forth restlessly. His hair stuck out at odd angles from how many times he’d ran his hair through it, but he did it again. And again. And again. And-

“Colt,” Jody called softly from the other side of the room. Her blonde hair was tied back. She’d been growing it out over the years. She had one of the robes from the hotel wrapped around her, covering her pajamas. Her eyes were red-rimmed and-

He didn’t let himself finish the thought as soon as he saw the tears glisten in her eyes. Colt crossed the room, pulling her into a tight embrace, feeling her heart race against his chest. He rested one hand in her hair. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked as Jody sniffled, slowly pulling away from his arms as he kept one hand on her arm, looking at her desperately.

She sucked in a breath. “I think I figured out why I was throwing up.”

“Bad food? I can-”

“Wasn’t that.”

“Stomach bug?”

“No-”

“Stress response-”

“Colt,” she said, caressing his cheek with one hand, “none of those. I just-” she looked down at her other hand, her fist closed around something- “I’ve had a suspicion for a few weeks, and then I was- well, just.” She inhaled sharply. “I want to say that I need you not to freak out but you’ll probably freak out-”

“I won’t freak out,” Colt swore.

She laughed. “Well, now I definitely know you’re going to freak out. But I just- I think I’ve known but I didn’t know for sure until I-” she hesitated, pressing something into his palm. His hand closed around something plastic, and he raised an eyebrow. “I just- I need you to be at least open-minded.”

Colt’s brow furrowed as he looked down at the piece of plastic. There was some sort of writing on the stick, but it was too small, and his racing thoughts could barely translate it into something coherent. However, on one end, he did see an oval cut out, sliced through by two thin blue lines. He looked up, seeing Jody holding her breath, arms crossed over her chest.

“Jody?”

She nodded.

“Is this what I think it is?”

She wiped at a tear that had managed to escape and nodded again. “I- I was late this month, and I haven’t been feeling well, and I’ve just had this sense but I wanted to be sure and-” she’s cut off as Colt damn near tackles her into another hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck. Jody felt herself relax against him, holding him tightly as he sniffled.

“You serious?” He asked through tears, and Jody hummed affirmatively. “Holy shit, Jodes, I-”

“I just, I just want us to be aware before we-” she swallowed- “we jump into this. There’s, the impending doom of our species on the horizon and I-” she pulled back to look him in the eyes. “I just want us to think about what the future could hold for this little one-” she rests a hand over her stomach and Colt’s immediately goes to cover hers- “and if- if we’re willing to bring a kid into this world just to- to-”

Colt glanced over at the book on the coffee table. He hears Ryland inside his head, explaining how the science officers on the Hail Mary nailed their assessments that day. Telling him how excited he was to come home. How confident he was that these astronauts were going to save the world. He turned back to his wife. “Ryland trained the scientist,” he said, brushing her cheek with his thumb. “And he’s- he’s the reason I’m still here. He’s the reason I have you. That I might have this. And I-” he exhaled- “you told me to live for him. To take all the chances he’s given me, to take the chance he gave us by training that scientist to save the planet, and make something out of them. Make him proud. And if-”

She held him tightly, feeling him exhale as he wrapped his arms around her. “Colt?” She asked.

“Yeah, babe?”

Jody smiled against his shoulder. “We’re gonna be parents.”

Breathing felt like it was too dangerous. Like if he exhaled too much, the small, little thing in his arms would disappear. Colt held the little bundle protectively against his chest, staring at the tiny red face of his newborn son.

That first cry might as well have been a choir of angels singing to him and him alone. Jody had squeezed his hand, a silent granting of permission for him to leave her side for the first time since they’d arrived at the hospital. The nurses had swaddled the tiny infant, but he still cried relentlessly until one of them gently placed this little life into his father’s arms.

Jody looked at them, smiling softly. “My boys,” she whispered as Colt slowly made his way back to her side. She looked pale, her face was still drenched in sweat, her hair was tied back, but she was smiling brighter than the Sun, before the damn astrophage came for it. Before everything had changed forever.

It ached as he slowly handed his son to Jody, resting him in her arms. He instinctively leaned against his mother’s chest, yearning for the skin-to-skin contact, and Colt felt the tears poke out as he covered his mouth to stifle the sobs. Jody reached up, running her hand down the side of his face as she stared at the small little thing who was staring intently at his father. “Barely two hours old and he’s already picked a favorite,” she teased as the baby sighed. Colt reached out, impossibly gentle, and felt a tiny little hand wrap around his finger, and he decided that he could die happily then and there.

“He’s perfect,” he whispered reverently. “I never thought- I didn’t- I didn’t think I’d make it this far.” Colt felt more tears escape as the baby continued to hold his finger, staring at him like he was the only person in the world.

As soon as the four of them step up to the curb, Colt is letting go of his father’s hand and already starting to race towards the door where there’s a line of other little kids in their small cartoon backpacks. He stops himself halfway there, though, he feels something missing.

Colt turned around to look back at his family, and there’s Ryland, desperately clutching at his mother’s skirt and staring at him with tears glistening at the ends of his eyelashes. Their father is knelt beside him, trying to encourage him as Ryland shakes his head and retreats further into the safety of their mother.

He hears their teacher say his name. They’d met her during a tour of their new classroom before the school year started. Colt had already started playing with some of the other kids that would be in their class, but Ryland hadn’t left the safety of their parents. Watching Colt from the sidelines.

He’s running before he realizes it, his metal lunchbox smacking against his legs as he makes it back to his parents. Back to Ryland.

Their dad starts to speak, to tell him that they have it under control. That he could go on. That Ryland would join him eventually. But Colt reached out to his twin brother, refusing to leave him behind.

Ryland hesitates for a moment, before grabbing onto his hand tightly. One hand, however, is still gripping the fabric of their mom’s skirt. His twin brother looks at him through tears and sniffles. “I’m- I’m scared Colt,” he whispered. “You were already gone and I- I thought you were leaving me and I-”

“I’m sorry,” he says back, squeezing his brother’s hand three times like their mother taught them. I. Love. You. “I thought you were right behind me, Ry.”

He shook his head. “You left me behind,” he whispered. “Don’t- don’t leave me behind, Colt. Please.”

“I won’t,” Colt promised. “I promise, Ry. I won’t leave you behind. We’ll do this together, okay?” He flashed a thumbs-up with a grin as Ryland nodded slightly. “We’re always gonna do it together, that’s what brothers do.”

He takes a step backwards and doesn’t let go of his twin brother’s hand as Ryland moves with him, his mother’s skirt slipping between his fingers. There’s an implicit trust with it, Colt realizes. Ryland is trusting him to keep him safe when their parents aren’t around. Trusting his big brother to protect him. He feels Ryland squeeze his hands four times as he takes a nervous step forward. I. Love. You. Too.

They walk hand in hand into Ms. Wilder’s kindergarten class, but Ryland’s hand slips out of his.

They’re both moving boxes up four flights of dormitory stairs. He’s relaying his class schedule to their parents, and Colt glances over his shoulder to see the worry lines ingrained on their faces. Ryland’s first tuition bill had come through, and even with all the scholarships he’d won, it still was a bill they weren’t going to be able to cover. Not without help. Colt had just decided that all of his money from Miami Vice was going to those bills, and he’d couch surf and call in favors until Ryland could start paying them back. He smiled at his baby brother. Anything for him was worth it.

To his credit, Ryland hugs him tightly as they say goodbye. But he still turns around. He still walks away. He still leaves Colt behind as he heads off to college. He still leaves Colt behind as he flies to Denmark for that UNESCO conference. He still leaves Colt behind as he takes a teaching job in San Francisco, six hours away from Colt in Los Angeles. He still leaves Colt behind when he’s flown off to somewhere by the government. He still leaves Colt behind when he dies in Kazakhstan.

He swallowed, fingers ghosting over the sides of his son’s face. “He looks just like him, Jody,” he whispers. “I don’t know how but I-” he shook his head as Jody wiped a tear away. “I hoped- God I hoped this wouldn’t happen but- but God, Jody. He looks like Ryland.”

Jody looked back at the baby in her arms. He, like any newborn, was hardly more than just a bundle in her arms. No distinguishing features to be seen, but as she felt Colt wipe his tears on the fabric of her hospital gown, she realized that this was deeper than just the physical appearance. Almost like a soul recognizing a part of itself in another body, and as she looked down again at their son, his tiny blue eyes staring back at them, she felt her breath catch in her throat.

“I was thinking,” she whispered as Colt wiped more tears away, “if you’re okay with it. Naming him after him-” Colt looked up at her, eyes wide- “I mean, Ryland-”

He swallowed, looking down at his son, and reaching a hand out only for him to grab ahold of his finger once again. “I- I want to keep that name for him. I don’t want- I don’t want to replace my brother with my son, but I-” he pressed the heel of his palm to his eyes- “I like the idea of doing something to- to remember him.”

Jody nodded. “Something more conventional then?”

“Yeah, yeah that works.”

“Ryan?” She asked, watching as Colt mulled it over before he nodded.

“I think that works,” he cooed at the baby. “Ryan, huh? You like that?”

Ryan sighed, snuggling against Jody’s chest, still holding Colt’s finger as his eyes fluttered closed. He let out a shaky breath, nearly sobbing again with a hand covering his mouth, desperately trying to hold everything back. “He’s- he’s so perfect. I can’t- I can’t believe something this perfect- someone this perfect came from anything related to me. I’m- this is insane. I can’t- I can’t believe this is real. I feel like this- all of this is going to disappear if I close my eyes.”

Jody kissed his cheeks gently as he leaned forward, his arms coming to support Ryan alongside hers. “I promise you it’s not. We-” she looked down at Ryan who let out another sigh- “aren’t leaving you, Colt. You have us. I love you. He loves you. And we’re not going anywhere.”

And for the first time in eight years. For the first time since that godforsaken news broadcast in that coffee shop at LAX, Colt lets himself believe it.

Ryan is two when she pulls him aside again. 

Well, freshly two. His birthday had been a few weeks ago. They’d had a small collection of friends over, considering most of Jody’s family was still in England, and Colt’s was…gone. Dan, or as Ryan referred to him, “Unkie Dan” to Colt and Jody’s amusement, had been there. He’d brought a tiny shirt with the Rocky logo printed on the front, and a new toy that thankfully didn’t make noise that would give him and Jody headaches by day four.

One of Jody’s relatives had sent a pair of pajamas, printed with little woodland creatures. Including foxes. There was no way that they could have known. And he wasn’t sure what excuse Jody had given when he ducked out to cry in their room for a few hours.

Now that it was Ryan’s favorite pajamas, though, he wasn’t sure if it made it worse or better. 

He was sitting in those pajamas, having just woken up from a nap, and also wrapped in Colt’s old patchwork quilt that was fraying at the edges. Jody’s aunt had offered to patch it up, make it good as new when she visited months ago, but Colt had refused. Its twin was probably buried in a Roscosmos, or ESA, or NASA warehouse somewhere, staying untouched by the person it was made for and the family it belonged to for the last ten years after the Hail Mary had launched.

He’d sat on the phone for hours, begging, pleading with them to give him something, anything left behind by his twin brother, but every single person he’d talked to had given him a flat refusal. It had been left behind by a scientist. It could contain classified information. It now belonged to the Project, just like his baby brother’s legacy.

She sat beside him, back pressed against the couch as they watched him play. He was holding a small plastic spaceship in his hand, running around in circles as he made some sort of noise akin to a motorcycle. Jody leaned against his shoulder and sighed.

“You okay?” Colt asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

Jody chewed the inside of her cheek. “Before I start, I wanna let you know that MetalStorm 4 is going into post right now. We’ve wrapped everything and it’s set to be a smash hit-”

“Of course it is,” Colt scoffed, waving his hand in the air. “MetalStorm 4: Space Cowboy’s Last Stand, it’s the conclusion of an epic saga, it’s gonna be a guaranteed box office smash.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “And I- I wanna take a break for a bit afterwards and I- I have the perfect excuse.” She reached out, grabbing his hand and resting it on top of her stomach, listening as his breath hitched and he looked at her with wide eyes.

“Jody?”

“Yeah?”

Colt swallowed. “You serious?”

She nodded, a nervous laugh escaping. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m serious. I found out this morning. You- you were still sleeping and I had to leave but-” she was cut off as Colt crashed his lips against hers.

He grinned as he pulled away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “This is incredible. You- you’re-” he shook his head- “You are the most incredible woman I have ever met.” He kissed her again. “I don’t know how the he-”

“Language,” she teased.

“I don’t know how the fudge-” he smiled a bit to himself, remembering Ryland’s old methods of cursing in front of his students- “I got so lucky with you. You’re so incredible.”

She smiled as Colt pressed a kiss into the top of her head, and then turned to their son. “Ryan,” he called as their son turned around quickly. “Come here for a sec, Mama and I need to talk to you.”

He dropped the toy, hustling over, still holding Colt’s old patchwork quilt around himself like a superhero cape. Ryan toddled over, sitting between his parents, wrapped in a sense of safety and love that Colt remembered all too well from his own childhood, with the exception of one, gaping hole in his side. One that should’ve been occupied by the twin brother his son had developed an uncanny resemblance to.

Ryan looked up at Jody as she ran a thumb over his cheek. “Hey Ry,” she whispered as Colt stiffened. “How would you feel about being a big brother?”

Stella had been so much smaller than her brother, but her lungs had probably been twice the size with how much she screamed after her first breath. They’d taken her away nearly immediately, and it took every ounce of self-control for Colt not to snatch his baby daughter back from one of the nurses trying to take her, especially as Jody screamed out for her, begging him to not let them take their daughter from her.

He’d failed. He couldn’t leave Jody, not with how weak she seemed after everything, despite the fact that she’d squeezed his hand so hard it had probably broken. Not with how often doctors were huddling around her, trying to ask her enough questions to keep her conscious. He wasn’t leaving her. He wasn’t losing her.

She’d slipped into some sort of sleep, her body exhausted from the effort in the morning. Colt sat next to her, holding one of her hands tightly as he watched her chest rise and fall in rhythm with the beeping of one of the monitors. He’d refused to move when they offered to take care of his hand, forcing them to do the splinting on site as he kept his other hand intertwined with Jody’s.

Dan hovered in the doorway, strategically blocking Ryan’s view. He looked around the room, and then back at Colt. “Where’s-”

“They- uh,” he swallowed, “they took her. She was-” he dragged his splinted hand down his face- “she was so tiny, Dan. I don’t- I didn’t hear what they said I just-” he sobbed- “they took her and she was screaming her little head off and Jody was- Jody was begging me not to let them take her but I couldn’t- I-”

“Hey-”

Colt pressed a kiss to Jody’s knuckles. “I couldn’t leave her,” he whispered. “She was- there were nurses coming in and out every thirty minutes to check on her and I- I haven’t moved in eight hours because I’m terrified that if I look away, I’m-” the words died in his throat as he choked out another sob. 

Dan made a face, glancing over his shoulder. “Do you want-”

He pressed his forehead to her hand. “Would I be the shittiest dad in the world if I said no?” He asked, rubbing the palm of his hand against his eyes. “I just- I can’t- I love him so much but if I leave Jody, I-”

“You’re a great dad, dude,” he assured him as Colt blinked back more tears. “You’re making sure that your little guy and your little girl are gonna have both parents around for them.”

“I have no idea where they took her,” he whispered. “I’m so scared that something’s really wrong and I just-”

“If she’s anything like her mom and her dad, she’s a fighter.” He glanced over his shoulder at Ryan, who was kicking his legs restlessly as he sat in a chair in the hall. “I’ll take Ry home. Text me if you need anything, or if there’s any update on either of the girls. He’s-” Dan winced- “he’s worried about them. He’s only able to articulate it in two-year-old words but he’s- he’s nervous.”

“He’s smart,” Colt acknowledged. “Way smarter than he should be, he’s-” he sighed- “he’s so much like my brother. It- it scares the shit out of me.” He gave a pained smile. “Tell him, tell him that Mama will call him when she wakes up.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“Figure out where the hell my daughter is. I just-” he glanced at Jody’s sleeping face. She seemed so peaceful, even while Colt felt everything around him going to complete and utter shit. “Jody needs to be okay for Ryan, too, and I- I’m gonna be there for her when she wakes up. Like she was there for me.”

Dan nodded, and he heard the telltale sign of his son’s footsteps heading out alongside him. He sighed, shaking his head as guilt pooled in his stomach. Ryan was too smart for his good, even as a baby, and if that was becoming obvious at that early of an age, he dreaded how similar he was going to become to the man he resembled so closely.

“Fucking hell, Ry, I miss you so much,” he whispered, staring up at the ceiling. “You’d- fuck, you’d- if you were here I- I would’ve trusted you to keep an eye on her and make sure that she’s okay so I could’ve stayed with Stella and I-” he sobbed- “God I miss you Ry. You’d be the best uncle ever, you’d fucking love them. And I- he’s just like you, Ryland and he’s scaring the shit out of me. I’m terrified that Stella is gonna be the same way. I’m not gonna keep up with them at this rate and I- I wish you were here. You just- you’d know what to do and we were,” he sighed, blinking back another dam of tears, “we were supposed to do this together.”

Ryan holds his baby sister like he’s holding his entire world in his hands, and Colt nearly breaks. She’s small, so impossibly small, even after a week in the NICU to bring her back up to a healthy weight. Jody had spiraled out of control into guilt and Colt had sat beside her, slowly pulling her back to Earth.

Fully healthy babies, the doctor had told them, with no health complications, were a rarity. Even Ryan had been an anomalously uncomplicated birth. There was nothing they could have done to prevent it. This was the way the world was now, with the Sun dying and even Florida experiencing a snowy season. The precursor to the end of the world if the Hail Mary failed.

But Colt knew that if Ryland had his hands on any part of it, Ryland who stayed after school to make sure his kids were on target, Ryland who saved Colt’s life three separate times, Ryland who, when being tasked with saving the Sun, still made the effort to see his twin brother one last time, everything was going to be okay. Even if there were still 14 years left to go. The Hail Mary crew hadn’t even woken up yet, hadn’t even started their work. Even with his faith in Ryland, the realization settled uncomfortably in his stomach.

The impending doom of the world couldn’t be further from his children though, as Ryan stared at Stella with a sort of reverence in his eyes. Jody’s still hovering near them, keeping an eye on her babies as Colt hesitated, watching them closely. Stella seemed to sigh slightly and Ryan gasped, looking up at his parents with wide eyes. “Is she okay?”

Colt blinked, coming over to kneel beside him. “Yeah, she’s okay,” he reassured him, one hand on his shoulder.

“Why she not talking?”

“Babies can’t talk at this age, bud. You didn’t start talking until you were about a year old, and she’s only fifteen days old-” Ryan looked down at his fingers, trying to count them until Colt shook his head- “you don’t have enough fingers for that. But, can I show you something?”

Ryan nodded, and Colt gently took his son's hand, guiding it towards one of Stella’s impossibly small hands. “You did this when I first held you,” he whispered, watching as Stella’s tiny fingers cling to Ryan’s small hand. He gasped, looking up at Colt in shock.

Jody smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of her son’s head. “Look at you, already a good big brother,” she cooed. Stella snuggled against her brother’s chest, and Colt felt something twist inside him as Jody continued. “Looks like she already trusts you. You gonna protect her, bud?”

“Colt,” she whispers from the hospital bed, and he drops to his knees beside her. He hears the incessant click of his father’s shoes, pacing back and forth at the foot of his mother’s hospital bed. A hand runs through his hair, and he leans into it, trying to pretend that they’re anywhere but here.

“Mom?” He asked. “I promise, Ryland’s-”

“Colt,” she said again, her face tracing his jaw. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’ve faced every challenge that this life has thrown at you with a composure that I could have never taught you, and I-” she inhaled- “I need you to promise me something before-”

“Mom,” he pleaded. “I-” A sob escaped his throat as he buried his face in the bedding, his mother’s hand running through his hair.

“Promise me something before I die, Colt?” She asked, squeezing his hand three times, like always. He nodded slightly, wiping away the tears. “You know that Ryland’s always been the baby of the family. We didn’t, we shielded him from so many of the hits he’s had to take and I- you have always been the strong older brother. You’ve taken more hits for him than I can even imagine, and I-” she sniffled- “Promise me, Colt. Promise me you’ll take care of your brother. You need- you need to protect him, Colt. Promise me that you’ll protect him, like big brothers should.”

He nods, once. “I promise.”

Colt still stands frozen as the door opens, Ryan said something to the visitor, and he finally looked up, a pained smile across his lips as Dan clapped him on the shoulder, kneeling beside Ryan and Stella.

“So this,” he cooed, “is my little goddaughter?” He tried to reach out, but Ryan backed up slightly and Dan smiled. “Already protecting her, huh?” He asked, ruffling the boy's blond hair as Colt felt his chest tighten. Jody’s hand slipped into his, giving a squeeze. “You’re a great big brother, Ry.”

He nodded proudly as Dan stood up, moving to get a better view of the baby’s face. “So what did we name her?”

Jody opened her mouth, but hesitated, glancing over at Colt who inhaled sharply. “Stella Grace,” he said, voice shaky. “Grace is the middle name, it’s for-” Colt wiped his eyes as Dan nodded.

“How’d you pick Stella?”

“Means star. It just, it felt right. Stella Seavers, it just rolls off the tongue.”

Dan nodded, and then not so subtly glanced at Jody, trying to gauge her reaction as she shrugged, turning her attention back to Colt, who was staring at his kids with all of the love in the world. Maybe he couldn’t protect his baby brother, but his baby brother’s work was going to be the reason his kids were going to live.

Stella had begged to go to the zoo for her sixth birthday, and with Jody working on another hit, Colt had obliged, promising that they’d all go out for a celebratory birthday after wrap. Jody had, reluctantly, agreed, though she sent him a thinly veiled jab about trying to secure himself as the favorite parent. Colt hadn’t denied it. He had a sense that was going to come back to bite him.

So now, here he was. Stella was sat on his shoulders, hands gripping his hair tightly as Ryan ran ahead like any overeager eight-year-old who really wanted to see penguins. He couldn’t blame him; penguins were nearly extinct, consequences of nuking Antarctica, he supposed. Ryland had never given him a straight answer on why the hell they’d done that.

Eventually, Ryan had spotted something, and, not wanting to let her brother out of her sight, Stella demanded to be let down. Ryan waited for her, grabbing her hand tightly in a way that made Colt’s heart twist, and they nearly ran through the crowds, their little faces turning red as they ran through, bundled up in jackets even though it was hardly November in Los Angeles.

For a moment, he did lose sight of them and felt a sense of panic grip him before he found them, still holding each other's hands, pressing their faces against the glass of one of the enclosures. He let out a sigh of relief, bending down next to him and looking into the enclosure, only to be met with an animal that had been haunting his dreams for the last seventeen years.

A red fox stared back at him, and he felt as though the universe had emptied a clip straight into his heart. It stood silently, eyes practically digging into his soul as he nearly stumbled backwards in a mix of shock and grief slamming into his chest like a tsunami.

He felt a tear prick at his eye as the fox bowed to him slightly, before trotting over to the glass, pressing his nose against it right where the kids were standing. The two of them gasped, looking up at their father wide-eyed, who was left desperately blinking back the pressure behind his eyes. They stayed pressed against the glass, their noses squishing as the fox continued to rest there, staring at them.

Colt smiled at the small mammal, and the words left his lips before his brain even registered it. “Hey, Ryland. Long time no see.”

The fox turned, trotting over a few paces to stand in front of Colt, and he sucked in a breath. It seemed to smile, chittering excitedly as Colt stifled a sob. Instinctively, he pressed a hand up to the glass and the fox seemed to recognize the gesture, pressing the side of his face against his side. “I’ve missed you, little brother,” he whispered. He glanced over at Stella and Ryan who were absolutely mesmerized by what they were watching, and then turned back to the fox. “You’d be so proud of them. They’re just as smart as you. I can’t- I can barely keep up with them.” He sniffled slightly. “I- God, I love you so much, Ryland.”

For a moment, time stood still.

Colt’s hand tightened around his brother as they wove through the crowds of people and strollers, ignoring Ryland’s shouts to slow down as he continued tugging him along. “C’mon Ry!” He shouted. “I wanna see the polar bears!”

He thinks he hears their grandparents shout at them, urging them to slow down, but it’s lost in the sea of people chattering amongst each other. Besides, they’ll find them if they lose sight of the boys. Colt had Ryland; that was all he needed.

To his credit, his twin had kept up with him pretty well, until he stopped suddenly, nearly sending Colt falling flat on his face as his momentum carried him through. Thankfully, unlike Ryland, he kept his shoes neatly tied with triple knots.

“Ry?” He asked, tugging a few times on his hand as Ryland stood still, staring at one of the exhibits. Colt raised an eyebrow, dropping his brother’s hand and following him as he slowly approached the glass, sitting cross-legged right in front of it.

He blinked, looking to see a fox sitting attentively, right in front of his twin brother. Colt slowly sat down beside him as Ryland smiled. “You know that red foxes have the same name twice? Their genus name and their species name are the same.”

“What does that mean?”

Ryland tilted his head to the side, and oddly enough, the fox mirrored him. “So you know how scientists call animals different names? Like how we call dogs dogs and scientists call them Canis familiaris?”

“Kinda,” Colt said, shaking his hand slightly.

“Basically, we have this big organization system for animals and plants and everything,” he explained, waving his hand in the air. “And we boil down the scientific names of animals and stuff to their genus and their species. The genus for foxes is vulpes, and the species name for red foxes in particular-” he pointed to the fox in front of him as Colt nodded- “is also vulpes. So scientists call them Vulpes vulpes.”

“Why?”

“I dunno,” Ryland sighed, still staring at the fox. “Kinda like it though. Vulpes vulpes. It rhymes.”

“It’s the same name twice,” Colt pointed out.

Ryland shrugged. “I still like it. Did you know that a lot of people like foxes because they’re kinda a mix between cats and dogs? They can have a bunch of energy and be super brave-” he glanced at Colt with a grin- “kinda like you. Or they can be scared of a lot of things,” he paused, “kinda like-”

“You’re not scared of everything,” Colt interrupted, wrapping an arm around his brother.

“I got scared on the ferris wheel last summer.”

“We got stuck up there for like thirty minutes, Ry. I was kinda freaking out too.”

“No, you weren’t.”

Colt sighed, realizing he shouldn’t lie. “You’re right. I wasn’t. But that’s because I was looking at everything going on, and you were just focused on how high up we were. Maybe that’s kinda what foxes can do. They can be scared, but they can also be brave because they look at everything going on around them and realize that there’s some cool stuff to look at even when life is scary.”

Ryland considered this for a moment before pursing his lips. “How can you be brave and scared at the same time? You’re never scared.”

“When I was fighting those middle schoolers that kept pushing you, I was scared,” Colt admitted. “I was really scared. They were like twice our size, Ry. And it was a three on one, why wouldn’t I have been scared?”

“But you still fought them. You still were brave enough to do it.”

Colt grinned, ruffling his brother's hair. “I had someone to be brave for.”

He felt Stella and Ryan’s arms around him, hugging him tightly. He looked down, their small faces barely poking out of their scarves and jackets. “You two okay?” He asked, hugging them back.

“You were crying,” Ryan answered. “You always hug us when we’re crying. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?” He asked, and for a moment, Colt forgot he was looking at his son and not his brother.

He wiped away a tear and laughed slightly. “I, yeah. Yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to do, bud.” He smiled as Ryan grinned at himself, clearly proud of knowing what to do.

“Why were you crying?” Stella asked, her tiny, gloved hands still clinging to his coat.

He looked back towards the enclosure, the fox was long gone and part of him wondered if it had ever been real in the first place. He held his children tighter, looking back at them. “You remember-” his breath was shaky as he exhaled- “you remember how I told you both about my brother? Your Uncle Ryland?”

Stella cocked her head to the side. “Do we get to meet him soon?”

Colt isn’t sure if the innocence in her voice softens the blow or twists the knife stabbing into his heart. He stared up at the overcast sky, blinking the pressure behind his eyes away. “He uh- you can’t, sweetheart. He’s-” he sniffled and felt both of them hug him tighter- “he’s been gone for a really long time. Before Mama and I even got married.”

“When is he coming back?”

He swallowed, the tears finally trickling down his already stained cheeks. The words sat uncomfortably in his throat before he forced them out. “He’s- he’s not coming back. He had to leave to do something really important and uh- a really big accident happened. He got really hurt and he- he couldn’t come home. But I know that if he was here he’d-” Colt shuddered- “he’d love you both so much. He’d be so proud of you. He probably would’ve talked your ear off about foxes, too. They were always his favorite.”

“Mine too,” Stella said quietly, looking longingly back at the enclosure.

Ryan’s brow furrowed. “Well, if he can’t come here, can we visit him?”

“It’s not like that, kiddo, it’s-” he ducked his head- “remember how I told you that Grandma and Grandpa, my Mama and Dad, were up in the sky? And how you could see their stars at night? Uncle Ryland’s up there with them.”

Stella nodded, but Ryan frowned. “Dad?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Does that mean that he-” Ryan hesitated as Colt squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for the impact- “he died?”

Even at that young of an age, his voice held an importance for the word that chilled Colt to the bone. He knew why. Even with the miraculous cooperation of the governments of the world to keep the majority of people fed and clothed and alive, the rising death toll was inevitable. He nodded slightly. “Yeah, bud. He- Ryland died a long time ago. He was working on the Hail Mary when a big accident happened-” Colt wiped at his eyes again- “it wasn’t anyone’s fault but he- he died.”

“Do you miss him?” Stella asked, pressing herself against him and hugging him tightly.

“Yeah, yeah I miss him a lot.” He shook his head but held his kids at arms length. “But you guys, you are both so much like him. He’d be- he would’ve been so proud of you.” Another tear slipped away as he held both of them impossibly close against his chest. “I love you both so much,” he sobbed, feeling both of them hold him tightly.

“Dad?” Stella’s quiet voice asked.

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“Next time we go to the beach, can we look for Uncle Ryland’s star?”

He nodded, swallowing hard. “Yeah, I think- I think we can do that.”

She smiled brightly, nearly burying herself in his coat as she wormed her way between the two others in the hug. Jody would have loved this. There’d practically be a whole photo album dedicated to preserving this moment if she had been there. And while normally, he’d feel an uncomfortable absence without her, it was much quieter this time.

The other, more overwhelming ache of the gaping hole in his chest that had persisted for the last seventeen years had also fallen silent. Rather than a feeling of missing the half of his heart that had always belonged to Ryland, Colt felt, for the first time since he’d lost his twin brother…

Whole.