Chapter Text
“I hate you!” Eren screamed.
Jean ducked out of the way of the flying pillow. “Oh well I hate you even more!”
It’s their ninth screaming argument in the past two days. Jean can’t live like this. He can’t remember the last time they argued over something with actual meaning. Right now, the topic they were pissed over was the fact that Jean spent ten minutes in the bathroom. He wasn’t in the shower or anything, he was just on the toilet scrolling through his phone. To Eren, this was evidence enough that he was cheating. How someone cheats in ten minutes is beyond Jean.
“Let me go through your phone.” Eren’s finger was pointed at Jean like it was a fully loaded gun pointed at his head. Usually, Jean would be ready to go to bat with Eren. He would be fully ready to cuss him out and deny everything. But like Alexander Hamilton, horrible analogy, Jean was raising his gun to the sky. Fuck this.
“I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Jean put his head back, his hands going to cover his eyes.
“Fine!” Eren slammed his hands down onto the nearest surface. He paused to catch his breath. “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously,” Jean mocked. “I hate this. I hate arguing everyday. I’m going to go bald because of all the stress you give me!”
“You’re gonna go bald anyways. I mean, your dad was rocking a receding hairline and that was before he got old!”
Jean didn’t know why that was the nail in the coffin. He didn’t even go to his dad’s funeral. That man took up zero space in his life yet this was the point of no return.
“I’m sick of you.
***
Five Hours After Breakup (Jean)
“No way, you guys are over.” Connie leaned in. “I expected you guys to at least bicker until we all turned 60.”
“Connie, I don’t think Eren is making it to 60.” Sasha remarked. She set drinks down for the three of them, coming back from the bar.
“Guys,” Jean sighed, leaning back. “Your boy is officially single again.” He cockily smirked. “That means I can do whatever I want without a certain someone whining in my ear about it.” He grabbed the glass. “I’m free.”
“It must be breakup season because my other friends also just broke up.” Connie mentioned. “I feel really bad too. Hey, maybe he’s your type.”
“It’s not rebound season.” Jean sat up in his seat. Was he thinking about listening to Connie’s offer? One hundred percent. He just dumped Eren, though, he had to give himself a little bit of time before hopping to the next.
Connie shrugged. “I never said you guys had to date.”
This changed things. Jean definitely needed a noncommittal, friends with benefits kind of thing right now. His dick practically twitched in his pants imagining it. Not practically, it did. He adjusted his position so no one accidentally saw a view of the horse.
***
One Day After Breakup
“Does he work here?” Jean motioned around at the hospital they were in. Listen, love over lust any day, but today isn’t any day. It’s officially one day after the breakup. Meaning that Jean is on a time crunch to come out with someone before Eren does. It’s not petty.
“Something like that.” Connie smiled at the receptionist. Jean stood back while they talked to imagine what this guy looks like. If he’s his type then maybe he has short brown hair, captivating eyes, slightly tan skin, a frustrating attitude, and is a bit shorter than him. Connie, despite his overall intelligence, is good at putting people together. If it were an actual respectable degree, Jean would’ve told him to go into matchmaking. Connie signaled for Jean to follow so he did. “Don’t be weird. He just got dumped a few days ago. He’s still upset about it.” Jean nodded. “And his mom is, like, dying.”
Jean braced himself. He combed his hair back a bit and practiced his smolder to look approachable. Connie sat in a chair across from a door then pulled at Jean’s shirt for him to sit. Strange. Maybe this guy is a hard worker, that's why they have to catch him in a room instead of on his break.
A sad, tall, blonde man departed from the room. His face slightly lightened when he saw Connie. “Aw hey Connie, thanks for visiting.” He was nothing like Jean envisioned. Blonde, tall, if this were any other setting Jean would imagine this guy in either Germany or as a Mormon.
“How’s your mom?”
Full stop. Jean was here to find a cool noncommittal friends with benefits. This was immediately far deeper than he ever wanted to go with this guy.
“She’s better. Chemo, you know, it’s hard on the body.” The man almost started crying until he saw Jean. He awkwardly waved and then faced Connie. “Who’s this?”
“Reiner,” Connie pointed at the blonde, “Jean.” He pointed at Jean, figuring that it was a good enough introduction. “I know times are hard and all so I thought I’d introduce you two. He’s going through a bit of something himself.”
“Sick parent?” Reiner has really sad eyes. Eyes that are so sad that Jean couldn’t imagine telling a single truthful thing to him.
“My, uh,” He looked at Connie. “Aunt is in the hospital right now. She broke her neck tap dancing. Took one hell of a tumble.”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry.” Reiner put his hand on his heart. A motion that saved this entire conversation. Dude was built. Meanwhile, Connie was sneaking a snicker at Jean’s obvious Trolls reference. Jean waved him off.
-Eren-
“I’m not crying, stop.” Eren shooed Armin’s hand away.
Armin set the tissue box on bed with a deep frown. “Breakups are hard, it’s okay to be upset. I know I would be.” He sniffled and dabbed his eyes with a tissue.
“Armin, are you crying over my breakup?” Eren sat with his mouth agape. “I’m fine. It’s a stupid breakup, it’s not gonna kill me.”
No, but the heartache might. Call him corny but the moment that Jean announced they were over Eren wanted to get on his knees and beg for another chance. He didn’t, obviously, he’s too cool for that. Jean breaking up with him felt like he shot him nine times then threw the pistol at him. He couldn’t say this to Armin though, no matter how much Armin was trying to seem like a safe space. He has to keep his head held high.
In two days time Jean will call Eren to get back with him. Yeah, watch, he’s probably crying right now.
-Jean-
The room was filled with sounds of slaps and shuffling. The neighbors probably hated them. Especially the old woman downstairs with “sensitive ears” (she used that one when the police didn’t take her initial noise complaint seriously).
Eren—Reiner moved quickly on Jean’s dick, thrusting the bed back and forth from the power behind his drive.
This is exactly what Jean needs. All he had to do was listen to Reiner talk about his childhood for an hour. Then about his lack of a father figure which probably contributed to Reiner always screaming, “Daddy!”
He’s on the fence of whether or not he likes it. Too Freudian at times. Jean’s hands climbed up Reiner’s chest to grope his pecs. Is it not the bisexual dream to fuck a guy with pecs so big they bounce like boobs? He hit the mark with this one.
Yeah, Jean is probably throwing up into his toilet over how heartbroken he is. Eren nodded to himself.
Reiner gagged on Jean. Eren wouldn’t gag, not comparing, it’s just hard not to when his ex had the best head game. “You…you can, uh, you don’t have to deep throat.” It was getting sad at this point. The blow job wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great. It kept making him reminisce on Eren’s blow jobs.
Reiner threw a coughing fit the second Jean exited his mouth. “Wait, no, I can be good.” He said through the coughs, wiping his chin.
Jean cringed. He probably should’ve gauged Reiner’s self respect levels before hopping into bed with him. If Jean told Eren to stop sucking him off he probably would’ve taken it as a challenge. Jean would enjoy it, too, because Eren’s blowjobs are good. Again, not comparing, everyone has their faults.
“No, no, it’s fine, you did really good.” Jean pat Reiner’s head awkwardly.
Reiner looked at Jean like he hung the sky and personally created the sun just for him. “I love you.”
Shit. That breaks the whole noncommittal part of the noncommittal friends with benefits they were doing. He paused, did he ever tell Reiner they were doing that? Even if he didn’t, who falls in love with someone who brought you home just to have sex? Said person had you hop on top and give them a blowjob. That’s horrible hookup etiquette. Jean had done this on purpose to make sure that Reiner wouldn’t have any feelings for him!
“Uh,” He had to be honest. He looked back down at Reiner seeing his newly watery eyes. Jean thought it would be very unwise to anger the person in biting distance of his dick. “Ditto.” He offered a smile so bad it was comparable only to Flynn Rider.
Seven Days After The Breakup (Eren)
“Eren!” Armin rushed over.
Mikasa walked in after him with a nonchalant wave. “You look like shit, Eren.”
For the past week Eren has thrown himself into his work completely. Even though people usually say that about professional jobs like finance or law, Eren has been putting his blood sweat and tears into being a barista. Literally on the tears part because the day after the breakup Eren sobbed into a venti. Nevermind that, his customers are getting the best frappuccinos that Eren can give them.
“What, Armin?” Eren huffed, looking past Armin as if the coffee shop was busy. “Make it quick.” It’s 5pm, not a single person is coming at five in the afternoon. Pretending was helping Eren deal though.
“Jean has a new boyfriend!”
“What?” Eren yelled then looked around. Thank god no one wants small business coffee. “How do you know?”
“Okay,” Armin gulped and started. “So, I had just went on a date with this guy and he took he back to his apartment, like to bang–”
“Get to it,”
“I’m getting there!”
Five Days After The Breakup (Armin’s POV)
“You’re, like, really tall.” Armin stumbled behind his date, Bertholdt. He usually doesn’t go on dates with Grindr guys, but this guy is hot. So respectful too, he didn’t send his dick as a pick up line like most guys. Armin kinda wished he did though, he wished he knew what he was working with.
“I couldn’t tell.” Bertholdt teasingly responded. At the start of the date he had been so shy but now he was coming out of his shell. Armin seriously couldn’t wait to get in this guy’s pants. Bertholdt put his hand up for Armin to stop walking. He peeked over Bertholdt’s hand and saw a tallish blonde standing with his key in the door. Roommate maybe? “Reiner, I told you not to come over anymore. We’re over.” Roommate definitely not.
Ooo couple drama. Call Armin a pervert but he was hoping this was foreplay for a threesome. Actually, scratch that, the ex looks crazy as shit.
Armin wasn’t mad that he was a rebound. Rebounding is cool sometimes. But guys with crazy exes should wear a badge saying “MY EX IS CRAZY DON’T TRY TO FUCK ME” It would’ve saved him a dinner.
“Are you already dating again?” Reiner scoffed. “We’ve been over for a week!”
“A month, Reiner, you need to go home.” Bertholdt sounded so exasperated.
“I’m just here to get my stuff.”
“You got it two weeks ago.” The taller one threw his hands up in annoyance. “No, you’re just here to steal my shit again.”
The blonde shrunk. Bertholdt hit a bullseye. He tossed his keys over at Bertholdt’s feet. “Whatever, date as many tramps as you want. I’m seeing someone too. This cool guy that loves me and he’s so romantic. He even turns on R Kelly when we have sex to prove he loves me. You never turned anything on!”
Kinda the bare minimum. Also, ew. Who plays R Kelly during sex? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Armin was having a That’s So Raven flashback to Eren one week into his relationship when Eren told him he had to get Jean to stop listening to R Kelly during sex. Thank god for Eren’s wokeness.
What a small world though, right? This would probably be a funny story whenever Jean and Eren get back together. If they get back together that is.
“–and this little twink–” Armin was brought back to his reality when he felt Reiner’s finger point at him. The way he was under the dimly lit lights and flexing his arm really made his biceps illuminate. It was at that moment that Armin realized that if he did not leave Bertholdt’s ex would pick a fight with him. Usually he’d be able to talk this way out of this but he was a little tipsy.
Armin took karate when he was a kid, this is what his grandpa spent 10 dollars on per session. In every self defense class they’ll tell you that if you don’t think you can win a fight then run. No shame in it. So Armin sprinted. He would take the bus home it’s ok. If he moved his hair back it was less likely that he’d be confused as a girl. That makes the possibility of sexual harassment drop a bit. It was times like this that made Armin happy that he got bullied as a kid, otherwise he wouldn’t have built up this speed.
Back To Seven Days (Eren)
Armin and Mikasa waited to see Eren’s reaction. Eren simply calmly put his hair back. “So what that he’s dating?” Internally Eren was screaming. “It won’t last long. I mean, and no offense Armin, rebounds are easy.”
“What does that have to do with me?” Armin looked around only to get no response. Mikasa patted him on the back.
“And it’s not like he’s in love with the guy. I mean, he sounds crazy. He hates crazy. He dumped me for less.”
Only a week and Jean was already in a new relationship? So Eren was right, Jean had been cheating. Jean’s hot but he isn’t hot enough to get a new boyfriend that quickly. Unless the guy is, like, mentally ill. Even then any dose of any medication out there tells you not to date Jean Kirstein. He’s an acquired taste. He’s an asshole!
Whatever, this told Eren one thing and one thing only. He’d have to dip his toes back in the dating pool. Okay, maybe it told him two things, fuck Jean Kirstein.