Chapter Text
The second semester is beginning to a hectic start. On his day off, Heeseung, a music performance major, is in his room messing around on garageband to find the right drum snare. Singing in a soft falsetto to the melody he wrote out. A big assignment is due in around 3 months from now, near the end of the semester. All music performance majors have to compose a song and perform it. It’ll be graded by the professor ruthlessly, and the score will greatly affect their GPA. Truthfully, Heeseung already has an idea for his song. As soon as the professor announced it, he went to a café alone to brainstorm lyrics. The day after, he scribbled some of the melody concepts floating around in his head on scraps of staff paper lying around his bag. However, he hasn’t quite found the time yet to compose the track in the university’s studio. Not even a bedroom demo has been made. He’s gotten so busy with his other assignments that he’s left the project on the back burner.
“Ah, what am I doing? I’m not getting any progress done like this.” He groans and lies down on the floor.
Heeseung opens his phone to see a text from his close friend, Jake.
“Hey bro me and the others are gonna have a session in the studio tonight. Wanna come?”
After thinking about it for a bit, Heeseung replies and says yes to the invite. Maybe some time spent with his peers will strike up inspiration.
“Yo, Heeseung, took you long enough!” Jake stands up from his drum set and gives Heeseung a hug.
“Sorry, I was still brainstorming at home. I didn’t notice the time.”
“Well, looks like we’re all in the same boat.” Jay, one of Heeseung’s other friends, strums his guitar mindlessly. “This merry band of ours still hasn’t came up with a good song. Can you believe that?”
“Hey, I already came up with ten songs, you just rejected them all!” Jungwon, the keyboardist, retorted.
Heeseung laughed at their banter, finding a corner for him to sit.
“So is it just us? It’s kinda awkward if I’m just tagging along to your band.”
“No, some more people are gonna come,” Jake approaches his drums again, “I basically invited everybody I know. I mean we’re all short on ideas, might as well jam out.”
“I hate this assignment.” Jungwon sighs. “Why did we form a trio when none of us can properly hold a note? Come on, Heeseung, join us! You can sing and replace Jay!”
Jay rolls his eyes playfully and doesn’t say anything back.
“Now that I think about it, most people chose to do this in groups. You’re one of the few that wanted to do it alone.” Jake plays around with his sticks.
“I don’t know, I just like it better when I have full control over everything.”
“It was the right decision. Better to be alone than with these two.” Jay snaps back.
A barrage of laughter and bickering roars up inside the studio room. More and more people came as the sky got darker and the stars shone brighter. Heeseung danced around and sung his heart out, enjoying the jam session with his peers. Mindlessly making up melodies and mumbling on the spot, mixing his jumbled words with pre-existing songs, only his perfect pitch is saving his vocal performance tonight.
He was one of the last people to leave, helping Jake clean up the studio. It got a bit chaotic when people started bringing drinks and reefer around, but Heeseung made a note to not go too crazy during the months leading up to the performance. A singer needs to take care of their throat more than anything.
“I guess your song is coming around pretty good, huh.” Jake says as the two of them are walking together.
Heeseung scoffs. “You’re just saying that cause I have a good singing voice.”
“Yea, the melody was kinda bad. I mean, you just ripped off a Zeppelin song, which they probably ripped off from someone else.” Heeseung laughs at Jake’s sudden honesty.
The two continued to walk before Jake seemed to remembered something.
“Man, It’s so shitty that besides our composition and vocals, they’re grading another thing.”
“What?”
“Our looks, like, what we wear and stuff. We gotta look presentable and neat, but also on theme with our song. The professor just added it during the last lecture, remember? God it’s so annoying, another thing we have to think about on top of everything!”
Heeseung stops in his tracks. Jake pauses as well, a few steps ahead of him, looking back at Heeseung confused.
“Wait, what?! I didn’t know about that!” Heeseung blurted out. A wash of panic hits him.
“Riiiight, I guess you weren’t there. He said it when the lecture was over and you already left. You know how much you rush to eat ramen at lunch.”
“Oh, right.”
A silence falls.
“Shit, man, what should we do?” Heeseung grabs Jake by the shoulder. They scan eachother’s clothing. Heeseung’s always sporting a hoodie and sweatpants. Jake wears nothing but striped sweaters and flannels.
“Damn, you’re right.” Jake stares back.
The night ends with the two feeling even more lost than before on their assignments.
**
The next day, the group chat was buzzing non-stop in the morning. All three of Heeseung’s friends keep talking about what to do with their clothing. It’s taken over all talk of the music. All four of them agreed that suits would be the easiest option, and they have at least one pair lying around. But aside from Jay (with his gigantic wardrobe), none of them have it completely tailored to their own measurements. Jungwon’s hand-me-downs from his dad has pants that are too long, Jake lost his dress shirt somewhere in the laundromat, and Heeseung’s suit hasn’t been touched in years. He doesn’t even know what he’ll look like in it. It’s not his after all, its his brother’s.
“You guys would look bad even when you’re wearing suits.” Jay said bluntly, sipping his coffee. Heeseung opted to join them instead of eating alone today for lunch break, not wanting to get left anymore behind on the assignment.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jake responded.
“I mean you’re all decent looking, but if you guys wanna be polished you really need to put some products in your hair. And use something else besides bar soap for your skin.”
“Ah, so I need to use up an entire container of pomade in a month just like you, Jay?” Jungwon jokes, which Jay doesn’t reply to. Heeseung notices that Jay never does. He just lets Jungwon toy him around.
Heeseung sighed. “Guess we’ll have to go see a tailor…”
They ate their lunch in a state of silent despair. Except for Jungwon, who was busy on his phone. Everything’s creeping up on them. Maybe they shouldn’t have procrastinated so much. Heeseung’s mind keeps going back to his unfinished song. It’s going to be a romantic ballad, in line with the type of songs he usually favors. But that’s all he’s got.
“Ah, wait.” Jungwon suddenly looks up from his phone. “I might be a genius.”
Everyone looks at him intently. “You know that cosmetology school a couple blocks from here? Why don’t we get advice from them?”
“Like, just stroll in and ask? That’s weird.” Jake remarks.
“Besides, why don’t we just ask someone here whose a fashion or art major?” Jay adds.
“But do you guys know anyone from there?” Jungwon asks. Everyone’s silent. All four of them are introverts, they’re only friends with other music performance majors. “Exactly! I just remembered I know somebody from that cosmetology place.”
Jay raised an eyebrow, “Wait, you mean-“
**
“Ah, hey, everyone I’m Sunoo.” Jungwon’s friend introduced himself to the group. Making a small wave with one of his hands.
This was the first time they had stepped into the cosmetology school, after a year and a half of essentially being neighbours as their campuses were so close to one another. What happened was, after lunch they had headed to the lectures and practices like usual, ignoring Jungwon’s plan. However in the end, Jungwon stubbornly ushered them all into coming to this place, saying that it’s better to get advice from an expert than to look like a mess later on. And there Heeseung was, thrusted into this unlikely scenario.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Jake!” Jake smiled at Sunoo and offered his hand. Sunoo shook it lightly.
Jay nodded at Sunoo, “Hey Sunoo. Sorry for taking up your time.”
“No, no, it’s no worries, Jungwonnie told me all about it earlier. I’m more than happy to help!”
Heeseung saw Sunoo’s eyes scan the other three one by one, and eventually their eyes met. Startled, he realized he hasn’t introduced himself.
“Sorry, I’m Heeseung.” He said, quieter than he intended. Sunoo just smiled at him before looking at the others again. Heeseung thought that it’s endearing how his eyes get so small when he smiles.
“Umm, why don’t we talk in the café? It’s gonna get busy in here soon. Some of the seniors are gonna have a hairstyling exam.”
And so they went to the café nearby Sunoo’s school. Jungwon sat next to Sunoo, and Heeseung ended up sitting right across him. He noticed Sunoo’s bleached blond hair, his rosy cheeks, his glossy lips. And when he looked down at Sunoo’s nails, they were painted a light pink colour. Every part of his appearance was taken care of, pampered and manicured to a degree, and yet Sunoo seemed to radiate a warmth to him. It was probably that smile.
“Is there something wrong?” Sunoo asks Heeseung. Flustered that he was caught looking, he immediately shakes his head. Shuffling in his seat awkwardly.
“Well, let’s start. I kinda made this moodboard earlier in a hurry and…” Sunoo pulls out a tablet from his bag and began to show a collage of pictures from Pinterest. He began to explain to Jay, Jake, and Jungwon about what those three should look like considering they’re a three-piece doing a clasic rock inspired song. Something about bolder yet cohesive colours and eye-catching hairstyles. Most of it flew by Heeseung’s head. He simply observed from the side. Jungwon was right, I guess this Sunoo person is an expert. He got all that from Jungwon’s rambling? Soon enough his friends started throwing out ideas and inspirations as well. David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and other names thrown around. The discussion was getting passionate, unexpectedly. Heeseung didn’t really know what to do, drinking his tea quietly on the side. He began to doze off, his mind wandering to his song again. Will he really finish a backing track on time?
“Now, as for you!” Heeseung jumped, suddenly Sunoo’s sharp eyes was staring at him. He noticed then that Sunoo had bright hazel eyes, something he rarely sees as most people here have dark eyes.
“…yes?”
“Heeseung, right? Well, Jungwonnie said that you wanted to do a romantic ballad type of song. Just a simple suit would do for your clothes, then maybe a hat. As for your hair maybe some curls, a little blush on your face-“
“Oh, he’s gonna be like Frank Sinatra or something!” Jungwon snickered, Jake and Jay sneered as well.
“What next, I’ll be singing about flying to the moon? Get sued for plagiarism by our stupid professor?” Heeseung joked back. They laughed at his remark, including Sunoo.
Ah, he’s pretty when he laughs too.
“But can you really do the makeup and hair for all four of us on the same day? Seems like a big ask. Some of us probably need help shopping too.” Jay said.
“Actually, in two months I have important exams too, so I won’t be able to style you guys at all..”
“What? But I wanted you to do it!” Jungwon whined and nudged Sunoo.
“You weren’t even willing to treat me to some mint chocolate ice cream in exchange for today.” Sunoo rolled his eyes. Jungwon stuck out his tongue and made a remark on how gross mint chocolate is.
“Well, I can still help you guys shop for some basic make-up, and the clothes too. And maybe I can find someone else from the school that’s free on your performance day if you’re not confident in dolling up yourselves.”
**
Heeseung waved goodbye to his friends as they left the café one by one. Sunoo had left not long after he was finished with his instructions. The four of them stayed to chat a bit and throw around some more ideas, this time also speaking about the music side of things. It seems meeting Sunoo eased their minds and made them focus again on what’s most important, the song they have to compose. However, the three of them got tired pretty fast and decided to call it a day, leaving Heeseung alone to sit with his thoughts.
He pulled out some noise-canceling earphones and staff paper to begin working on the melody again. Writing and erasing his hastily drawn music notes, while humming the tune softly, his pencil rhythmically tapping on the wooden table whenever he’s blanking. How come that everything’s coming to him in halves? The beginning half of the lyrics are done, some of the melodies from the chorus are there, but nothing’s really filling the gaps completely.
Everything around him became a blurry murmur. The clinking of glass cups and plates, the thumping sole of a waiter’s foot, the chatter of the people around him. He can’t hear it anymore. And yet the full song is still not coming to him. His mind was bereft of noise as well. He rubbed his face, and looked up from his paper. That’s when he felt his heart jump.
“Sorry, I was wearing earphones!” Heeseung hurriedly took them off.
“It’s fine!” It was Sunoo. “I’m the one bothering you, what are you still doing here?”
Heeseung watched as Sunoo pulls himself a seat across him. Just like earlier. “I figured I might as well work more on my song here, now that I have free time.”
“Oh, that’s really cool! Can I see?” Heeseung nods, letting Sunoo’s bright eyes scan the papers. He doesn’t know why he said yes, showing an unfinished song is like serving someone a half-cooked dish. But maybe apart of him was desperate for any kind of outside help.
“Woww... it’s so romantic. I like the part where you wrote about a smile lighting up your life.”
I wrote that? “I was just throwing around some new ideas.”
“Why’d you decide to do a love ballad? I didn’t really clock you as the sentimental type at first.”
“Mmm, a ballad because it can show off my vocal range. And a love song because it’s what would tug the most heartstrings.”
“So, you picked it just because it was the easiest for you to do?”
“Umm, not just-“
“Then, who is it about?”
“Hm?”
“Surely, you’re writing about someone, right?”
“Yeah, I am.”
**
Heeseung couldn’t stop replaying that question in his head. The lump in his throat making him unable to respond honestly to Sunoo. Foolishly he said yes. When really he has no one to write about. But it would be embarrassing to admit that. So, in the moment, he lied to Sunoo about having a special someone. Now he’s staring into space during lunch, regretting it.
He’s gotten more work done with the melody. And he decided he won’t make a backing track after all due to the time crunch. Singing and playing the piano should suffice for a ballad. It’s his vocals he wants to focus on, since it’s what he’s known for anyway. But the lyrics are still up in the air. Maybe that’s why they’re so hard to conjure up, why it all feels so hollow. He has no one to write about, therefore the song is about nothing. It’s just a string of words made to sound good. What if Sunoo’s right? It’s just easy. There’s no soul to any of this.
Heeseung slurped the last bit of his ramen and threw away the cup into the nearest trash can. But that’s silly, you can write a song about anything. You don’t need to experience it firsthand in order to conjure up good lyrics.
“Vanilla ice cream, please.” Heeseung gave his money at the register. After aimlessly wandering around, he found himself at an ice cream place close to campus. He doesn’t come here too often, as he lacks a sweet tooth, but something gravitated him here today. Heeseung’s eyes wandered to the display showing an array of flavours.
Mint chocolate, somebody said something about that yesterday.
“Excuse me, sorry, can I get the mint chocolate instead?” He impulsively asked.
Once the cashier handed him his order, Heeseung took a bite of his ice cream. Toothpaste. It tasted like toothpaste. My god, it’s gross. He began to regret his order, but when he turned around he saw a familiar face.
“Hello.” Heeseung smiled and waved.
“Heeseung! Hi, sit down!” Sunoo smiled back and ushered him into the seat in front of him.
“Do you come here often too?” Sunoo asked.
“Not really.”
“You got mint chocolate! We’re twinning~ I got that too! But I’m only getting a small portion today. My friends keep telling me I have to cut back on sweets.” Sunoo rambles a lot. Last night at the café he kept making conversation with Heeseung until late. It felt like an interview with how much questions Sunoo asked him. His MBTI type, his favourite eating spot, why he picked music performance, who all his friends were, his musical inspirations. All that from one meeting.
“You can have some of mine, if you’d like.” But Heeseung can’t help but answer them all.
Sunoo hesitated at first. Refusing over and over to be polite, and probably in an attempt to eat less ice cream. But Heeseung smiled and nudged the cup of ice cream towards Sunoo.
If you like sweets then what’s wrong with eating them a lot? It was then that Sunoo caved and dug his spoon into Heeseung’s cup.
“Why’d you decide to help us out?”
“Cause Jungwonnie asked,” Sunoo took a spoonful of ice cream, “we go way back, since tenth grade. Jay went to our school too, actually.”
How come I didn’t know that?
“But cosmetologists don’t really specialize in fashion, don’t they? I thought you mostly just did hair and makeup, or nails. How’d you know immediately what we should wear?”
“Yeah, well, most people can’t really afford a stylist, right? Sometimes a hairdresser or make up artist is the closest person they have to ask for style advice. So it helps to also have an eye for those things, just in case.”
“Do they teach you that too at the school?”
“Not formally, but it was implied. So I just took it upon myself to learn more about fashion. Even though I’m not a great dresser either. It comes in handy, you know? I can give some of my hopeless friends advice in that area too, now.”
“Haha, like Jungwon? And Jay?” Heeseung laughed.
“Precisely.” Sunoo looked him up and down. “And you too!” He smiled coyly. Heeseung smiled back.
“I think that’s kind of you.” Heeseung nudged the cup to Sunoo further, he really didn’t want another bite of that. “You didn’t have to, but you took time out of your busy schedule to learn a new skill just to help more people. Maybe you can double as a stylist too in the future, Sunoo.”
Heeseung saw Sunoo’s cheeks turn a slightly darker shade of pink. Causing him to feel his own face heat up too.
“T-thanks! You’re nice too, you practically gave me all of your ice cream, haha!” Sunoo avoided eye contact with Heeseung, and Heeseung did the same. Somehow the air got a bit awkward, but lighter at the same time.
Heeseung walked Sunoo to the cosmetology school before walking back to his campus. He got his number.
**
Heeseung keeps going back to the ice cream store. He doesn’t even like ice cream that much. Sometimes he orders a tiny portion as an excuse to loiter around the place. When he’s not there, he goes to that café again. Ordering some coffee and fried noodles he’s not in the mood for cup ramen (which is rare but it does happen). Even when he’s at his campus’ canteen he keeps stealing glances at the cosmetology school a few miles across the road. He keeps telling himself, a new enviroment will help with his songwriting. But it’s not really new anymore if you go to the same places over and over…
The real reason he’s doing this is something he doesn’t wanna admit out loud.
“You’re eating that again?” Sunoo sits down at the café. Ordering a latte and some sandwiches.
Heeseung takes a bite of his fried noodles. “I told you I like noodles.”
“Almost as much as I like mint chocolate?”
Heeseung replies with an unintelligible noise as he’s scarfing down his food.
The reason he’s been doing this is because he wants to see Sunoo. Ever since they exchanged numbers, they’ve been texting here and there. Nothing much besides friendly small talk. Heeseung’s far too awkward of a texter to really get a conversation going, and Sunoo seems preoccupied with other things to text him frequently. Asking him to eat lunch together would be too direct, so Heeseung figured if he just hung around these places near Sunoo’s school enough, he’s bound to run into him. And he did.
“You really like this place now, huh?” Sunoo asked, around the fourth time they ran into eachother at the ice cream place.
“Yeah, they make really good ice cream.”
“Then why do you always get the smallest size?”
“Uhh… I’m on a diet, too.”
“I see.”
Then there was that time at the café.
“Isn’t the view from this window so beautiful? I love seeing the grassy hills. It’s so nice we go to school in such a pretty place.”
“Sunoo, have you ever went on a hike there?”
“No, I’m not really the hiking type…”
“Ah, umm, how about a picnic?”
And they had a picnic together at the bottom of the hills, where a wide grassy field spanned acres. Heeseung didn’t really think the invite through, so he gave a last minute call to Jungwon and the other two to also come. Heeseung wasn’t ready to be all alone with Sunoo all the time just yet. In the end, Jake ended up knocking over some juice into the grass and attracting ants everywhere. But it was fun to clean up the mess together, especially when Sunoo wiped some of the juice off of Heeseung’s hand.
One time he ran into Sunoo with one of his hands wrapped in bandages. Heeseung, worried sick, immediately asked him what happened.
Sunoo sighed with a worn-down expression. “I accidentally got bleach on this hand when I was practicing on the mannequin…”
“Are you sure you’re okay??” Heeseung wrapped his arm around Sunoo’s shoulder.
“It’s alright, I rinsed it off immediately. Ah, I’m so mad. I needed to get better at more complex dye jobs.”
“Are you getting tested on it?”
“No, but I feel like I’m falling behind.” Heeseung couldn’t help but notice Sunoo’s long lashes as Sunoo’s staring down at the sidewalk. They walked side by side in silence.
Trying to cheer him up, Heeseung held out his own bandaged fingers, all blistered from practicing the piano. “Well if it makes you feel better my fingers are all messed up too.”
Sunoo blinked at him twice before letting out a chuckle. “Aahh, what’s with you…”
“It’s all gonna be worth it, Sunoo. You said you wanted to open up your own salon, right? It’s all a step to reach that goal.”
“Maybe.” Sunoo falls silent. “It’s just a little hard in there sometimes.”
Before Heeseung could ask further, Sunoo just shakes his head and gives Heeseung a forced smile. A small signal to drop the topic. It’s a mannerism of Sunoo that Heeseung picked up on quite early.
“You know before we were friends, I thought being a cosmetologist was easy. Like you’re just playing salon or something. But I guess everyone’s got their own struggles.”
“You think we’re friends, Heeseung?”
“We’re not?”
Heeseung’s heart dropped. Making Sunoo laugh at his shocked face.
“We are, silly! I’m just messing around.”
**
Ah, good times.
“What are you zoning out about?”
“Nothing.”
Heeseung finishes his fried noodles and looks up at Sunoo eating his sandwiches neatly.
“Hey, why do you always eat alone?” Sunoo munches on his food.
“What? No I don’t”
“Yes you do.”
“Yes I do. Umm well, I don’t know. Its just nicer being alone, everything’s more peaceful.”
“Then does that mean I’m intruding your alone time right now?”
“No! I don’t mind eating with you.”
“But why don’t you eat with your friends?”
“I don’t know.” He paused. “I guess even if they’re my friends, there’s parts of me I want to keep to myself. I think lunch time is when I can indulge in that side of me the most, since I can eat what I want and do what I want. It’s not like I’m lonely.”
“Why do you always eat alone?” Heeseung threw the question back at Sunoo.
“I don’t. I eat with my friends”
“No you don’t. You like eating alone too, right? You’re always alone when you run into me.”
“It’s cause my friends eat lunch at my school’s canteen.”
“So are you eating with me out of pity?”
“Maybe.” Sunoo shrugs.
Heeseung takes a sip of his Americano. He gets the feeling that Sunoo isn’t telling him the truth.
“Then how come you’re never with anyone else when going to your apartment too? It’s always me that walks you home in the evening.”
“Alright, maybe I keep my friends at arm’s length too.” Sunoo blurts out before falling silent.
“Then let’s keep eating alone together.”
Sunoo laughed as he spoke, “That’s an oxymoron!”
Heeseung found him endlessly endearing. Heeseung waited for Sunoo to finish his food. They paid the bill and walked out of the café. He was about to say goodbye, until Sunoo tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie.
“I don’t have class too. Why don’t we walk somewhere together?”
How could I say no?
The two walked on the side of the road, across the cement pavements. Seemingly to nowhere.
“Aren’t you old friends with Jungwon? Why dont you hang out with him more? And Jay?”
“I do, but mostly on the weekends. Like whenever we’re all free we would go someplace. It doesn’t happen too often, though. But last month-”
Sunoo pulls out his phone from his pocket. He opens the gallery app and scrolls a bit before clicking on a video and flipping his screen towards Heeseung’s direction. It’s a video recorded by Jay (Heeseung could tell from his loud screams) of Sunoo and Jungwon. They seem to be at the local beach, the ocean’s waves tickling their feet as those two giggle and mess around. Jungwon appears to be running before tackling Sunoo, causing him to lose his balance and fall downwards into the shallow waters. Jungwon laughs and wraps his arm around Sunoo’s shoulders as he helps him back up.
I’ve never seen Sunoo smile like that.
Come to think of it, he’s never seen Jungwon that giddy either.
Sunoo laughs fondly at the video. “Oh, this was so funny…! Wait you have to see this one too, Jay also filmed it for us-“ And it was a clip of Jungwon smearing frosting all over Sunoo’s face and cupping it with his hands. Jay is singing happy birthday in the background before Sunoo quickly snaps and yells at Jungwon, then proceeding to try and smear him back. However he was too slow and Jungwon dodged.
“I was so mad he ruined my makeup~ That was one of the best birthdays ever.”
“You guys are really close, huh.” Heeseung says monotonely. A lump forming in his chest.
“Hm, yeah. Ah but-“ Sunoo was about to say something before cutting himself off. His eyes widening before he shook his head. He smiled at Heeseung before looking away again.
“What? Tell me!” Heeseung nudged Sunoo.
Sunoo hesitated, before finally putting up his index finger to his lips. “Don’t tell Jungwon you know, okay?”
Heeseung nodded, looking at Sunoo doe-eyed.
“I used to have a crush on Jungwon back in highschool.”
Oh.
“It got really intense, but he eventually found out about it because Jay hardly knew how to keep a secret. It got sooo awkward! It got so weird I didn’t speak to either of them until we graduated. Jungwon only reached out to me again last year, and we reconnected.”
How come nobody’s told me?
Sunoo smiled at Heeseung.
“But we’re just friends now.”
You don’t seem like you mean that.
**
All of a sudden, Heeseung finished the melody for his song. He’s been practicing it on piano the last couple of weeks now and today was his most polished rendition yet. Jake clapped, patting him on the back before looking at Heeseung’s sheet music intently.
“I think you nailed it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, you just need the proper lyrics.”
Heeseung nodded and stared blankly at the white keys of the university’s piano, an instrument many fingers have grazed before him. Long before he even knew of it’s existence, others have called it a dear friend. His mind was elsewhere. Jake’s praise didn’t mean anything to him, when beforehand he was desperate for any kind of validation on his song. He pretended to listen to what Jake was saying, his friend’s voice becoming more and more quiet as a ringing sound in his head became prevalent.
It’s a Saturday evening. Most people are resting, however Heeseung’s been slaving away at one of the studios, blistering his fingers in order to get his mind off of things. Earlier, Jay posted in the group chat that he’s going to some vintage bar, located a bit far from here. Jungwon immediately responded with a fire emoji and said that he’s coming too. Heeseung could only think of one thing, is Sunoo coming as well?
Considering he’s the type to rarely open social media, Heeseung doesn’t go on Instagram very often. Although later on, when he was alone in his bed and the sky was dark, he felt a weird compulsion to open the app. Jungwon’s account appeared first, a green ring circling around his profile picture. Heeseung clicked on it. There he was, Sunoo. A glass of cocktail in one hand, and the other hand interlocked with Jungwon’s as they danced together in the bar. Faces plastered and red, grinning so wide the ends of their lips could extend beyond their cheeks. He clicked again, seeing Jungwon’s other stories. There were videos of Jay singing loudly with some strangers. Jungwon forcing the bartender to take a picture with him. And Sunoo giggling all night long. The last story was of Jay piggybacking Sunoo into the taxi.
Has Jungwon posted Sunoo on his stories before? Probably. Heeseung thought that it’s his fault for not opening the app enough. He noticed Jungwon had tagged Sunoo’s account on one of the stories. He clicked on the white text, and scrolled through Sunoo’s posts.
He’s always so gorgeous.
Yet the more he scrolled, the more he couldn’t shake a sense of familiarity. That’s when he went back to Jungwon’s account and realized. Oh, they have matching posts. And pictures probably taken by each other. Actually Jungwon is in multiple of his posts. Before he could think it through, he pressed the follow button on Sunoo’s account. Not long after, Sunoo followed him back. So he’s online?
“Sunoo-ya!” Heeseung sent him a DM. He waited eagerly when a text bubble began to form.
“heeseunggg !!! ^^”
He wanted to test something, so Heeseung sent a screenshot of Jungwon’s stories to him.
“Seems like you had fun”
“u saw that,,, ah this is embarrassing”
“You and jungwon are so close”
“hehe” Sunoo sent, then immediately typing again, “isnt he socute???”
“I think you’re still drunk”
“drank a lot,,,” Heeseung wished he could see Sunoo’s flushed face as he’s typing.
“actuallly he was so adorble when we pwere playing”
“You played a game?”
“yeag spin thebbottle,,, n someone dared him to kiss me,, whoa😨😨”
Heeseung was about to type something, until suddenly Sunoo sent another message.
“srry gtg!!! he’s calling me!!!”
**
The next day, Heeseung decided to come and hang out with them. The three of them were planning on a thrift spree.
“What happened to wearing suits?” Heeseung asked.
“We decided against them. I mean, it’d be cooler to stand out, y’know?” Jake answered.
“Don’t forget that our performances are open to the public,” Jay adjusted his sunglasses, “we gotta have STYLE ~” he flailed his arms and did jazz hands. Everyone else couldn’t help but crack up.
“Who invited this guy again?” Jungwon shoved Jay playfully.
“But I think a suit will fit your song, though.” Jake looked to Heeseung.
Jungwon pulled out his phone and showed photos of different clothing items collaged into one picture. “Here, Sunoo even made us some- what’s it called? Look books?”
Is that what the phone call was about yesterday?
“Did you give him some ice cream in return for helping you this time?” Heeseung said without thinking.
“Hahah, of course I did! He wouldn’t have helped me again if I hadn’t bribed him.” Jungwon smiled. But a glint in his eyes showed a sudden curiosity towards Heeseung.
They went thrifting in a street well-known for it’s multitude of vintage and secondhand stores. Unfortunately, they couldn’t have picked a worse day. It was Sunday and it was beyond busy. The streets were jam packed with people walking behind them, towards them, and nudging them at the side. Seeking refuge, they hurriedly walked into a random store, yet even that store was filled with people shopping. The blasting sound of electronic music didn’t help either. They quickly ran out of that store in search for a more hidden one. Luckily, Jake knew his way around the area.
“Right, why did I even come, I mean I already have a bunch of clothes.” Jay whined.
“Cause you’re the only one here who knows how to dress!” Jake yelled back amongst the sea of people he’s hurdling towards.
“Oh, so you admit I am fashionable?” Jay said smugly, Jake scoffed and rolled his eyes.
Luckily, they found a store hidden in the ends of the street, near a secluded alleyway. The breeze from the air-conditioning felt like they had found a body of water in the desert. The lack of other customers was also a relieving sight. Everyone began to spread and look through the racks, Heeseung cluelessly tagging along with Jungwon.
Jungwon pulled out a studded leather jacket from the racks. It was a deep maroon, and the leather seemed well-loved by its previous owner. “This one would look good on you, Heeseung!”
“Like for the performance?”
“No, I meant just to wear casually! Don’t you get tired of wearing hoodies all the time?”
Heeseung made a thumbs down gesture and stuck out his tongue. Jungwon laughed. “It’s okay, I know you’re just being frugal, I’ll buy it for you. Ah, Sunoo’s been making me so self conscious about how we all dress now that I caved and asked him for advice.”
“I bet he said you were hopeless.”
“Yeah,” Jungwon’s gaze seems to sharpen, “you know he’s been talking to me a lot about you.”
“Really?” Heeseung looked at the racks of jackets. Browsing mindlessly.
“Mhm. Said you guys keep running into each other and hanging out. But he complained about how little you text him. I just said to him, “sounds like Heeseung to me!”” Heeseung chuckled at what Jungwon said.
“Actually, he…” Heeseung hesitated before clearing his throat, “he told me about you and him.”
“Oh.” Jungwon was silent for a moment. “Well, that’s alright. I was planning to tell you sooner or later, since you’ve gotten so chummy with him lately.”
Suddenly, Heeseung found a black jacket just like the one on Jungwon’s look book. With a fur trim and a sideways zipper. He pulled it out from the racks and turned to Jungwon, excited to show him.
Jungwon smiled, “So you know that me and Sunoo were dating last year?”
**
Apparently they’re not together anymore. They broke it off after a couple of months because it was clear they were better off as friends. Is that so? Then why are they still so close? Why does Sunoo stick to him like glue? What was that about kissing…?
Heeseung didn’t dare to tell the truth that Jungwon had misunderstood, that he didn’t know those two had dated, that he was referring to Sunoo’s crush instead because that was actually all he knew about their history. Since, in a way, Jungwon’s information made things clearer for Heeseung. Yet on the other side of the coin, a lot more foggy.
The next week, every time he saw Sunoo, it felt different. There was something stuck in his throat that he couldn’t spit out. Ironically, things seem to be better than ever on Sunoo’s side. He’s been texting Heeseung more frequently, often replying to his stories and DMing him. He’s invited Heeseung to all sorts of places. Sunoo took him anywhere, including a makeup store and his favorite desert place. Then he went and shopped for jewelry with him (and even insisted on buying him a bracelet), bought matching keychains with him, he did everything he could think of. Every signal he could send, Sunoo put it out there.
But Heeseung just couldn’t shake his uncertainty.
One time, Sunoo came over to their campus’ canteen to eat together with the four of them. Heeseung couldn’t stop staring. Every time Sunoo and Jungwon interacted, he couldn’t help but notice sparks floating in the air. A certain magnetic pull Jungwon has that Sunoo couldn’t resist. Sunoo looked at him differently, his gaze deeper and fonder. He wasn’t shy about touching Jungwon’s shoulders or even hugging him. He laughed hardest at his jokes.
Is this all in my imagination?
But when Heeseung brought it up to Jay, he only answered that those two have always been close.
“Don’t you feel like a third-wheel?”
“I don’t think so.”
Yet his eyebrows twitched. From what Heeseung knows, that’s Jay’s tell for when he’s lying.
Although hastily, Heeseung concluded. His budding feelings for Sunoo, maybe it’ll all fade away into the ocean. It’s clear Sunoo’s not over his ex. And that ex is his own friend. Who’s he to get in the way of that? After all, he’s only known Sunoo for barely a month. And Jungwon’s been there for years.
But they can be friends, right? He’ll be Sunoo’s friend.
And nothing more.
**
2 weeks has passed. Heeseung has been meeting up with Sunoo regularly. Replying to all his texts. Going wherever Sunoo wants. Yet his heart was heavy. And it seems like he wasn’t the only one.
“You don’t actually like ice cream, right?” Sunoo asks.
“Hm?”
“You always get the smallest size, and it’s always vanilla or mint chocolate. When you buy the mint chocolate one you pretend you lost your appetite and you give it to me.”
Heeseung didn’t know what to say. “Ah, you caught me there.”
Heeseung was walking Sunoo home to his apartment. It was about to turn dark soon. The sun was setting and a vivid orange light shone on them. A brief moment of beauty before the night would engulf the sky in darkness.
“Did you even like the desert we shared at that store I took you to?”
“N-no.”
“Then why’d you finish it?”
“Because you said you were full and I didn’t want you to overeat…”
Sunoo stopped walking, causing Heeseung to stop as well. Sunoo’s hand reached for Heeseung’s sling bag, softly touching the fuzzy plush keychain he attached. It was the one Sunoo bought for him, a cute cartoon deer with big doll eyes. Sunoo said it looked like Heeseung so he bought it to match with the fox one on Sunoo’s backpack.
“Do you even like this?”
“I do.” Heeseung looked at Sunoo. “I don’t take it off because…”
“Because?”
Heeseung was tongue-tied. “I… umm… It just makes me think of you, I guess.”
Sunoo sighs. His eyebrows furrowed, his lips slightly forward as he’s trying not to pout.
“You don’t have to lie to me, you know.”
“I’m not lying to you. Why are you springing all this on me suddenly?”
“Because at the café you order the same thing all the time, almost like there’s only one item you like there. But when I asked, you said you come there for the food.”
Heeseung couldn’t respond.
Sunoo scratches the nape of his neck.
“I just don’t get it. Why do you go to all these places you don’t like and do all these things you’re barely enthusiastic about-“
“Because I want to be with you, Sunoo.”
Oh no, it came out.
Sunoo’s amber eyes opened wide and he stared back at Heeseung. The two stood frozen for a while.
Hurry and lie.
“I- I mean-“
“Do you like me, Heeseung?” Sunoo held Heeseung by the wrist.
Heeseung didn’t know how to read his expression. Was he expecting something from him? Was he trying to trick him into saying yes? Is that why he’s pressing him so much for answers? But if he does say yes, what’s in it for Sunoo?
“You’re always purposefully running into me.”
It’s not like Sunoo likes me.
“And you do so much for my sake.”
Then is he just trying to toy with me?
“Why-“
While he runs off with Jungwon?
“Why are you doing all this?”
Because I like you, Sunoo.
“Because we’re friends.”
They were silent for a while. Heeseung removed Sunoo’s hand from his wrist gently. He looked into the eyes of the person he’s been enamoured with for the last month and a half. The tears were welling up in his eyes, and yet he held it back. He was sorry for lying to Sunoo so much, and for lying to him again. But he couldn’t risk hurting himself. He didn’t want him to know how much he would give up for him. How much Heeseung thinks about him in this past month. Whether it’s when he’s alone or when he’s with others. Whether it’s in the morning where his head was still foggy or at night when he’s staring out his bedroom window solemnly. The vivid imagery flashing in his mind, everytime Sunoo smiles and laughs around him, because of him. And yet his mind is riddled with thoughts of another man being in Sunoo’s mind.
It’s not fair, is it?
If I think only of you and you only think of him?
“Of course, I like you, we’re friends aren’t we?”
And that was that.
Sunoo cleared his throat. Looking away from Heeseung. “Oh, right, of course.”
“There’s my apartment. I can walk on my own, now. Goodbye!” Sunoo ran away from him.
Goodbye.