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A band of sunlight lazily stretched across the bed, warming their entwined legs. As the passionate fever left him, leaving his skin hot and flushed, Komaeda relaxed, stretching his pleasantly exhausted limbs. The open window and the morning breeze attempted to cool his heated skin, but Komaeda craved that sweet, dizzy feeling that filled his head as he simmered in the heat between his body and Hinata's.
It wasn't very comfortable, but he'd never been so privileged to experience such a thing before. It probably would have made him seem silly to voice that thought out loud, so he exercised some rare restraint and chose to keep it to himself. He could even see it on Hinata's face that he was getting uncomfortable. The dampness on their skin seemed less enticing in the aftermath, sticky and irritating, but if it bothered him, he didn't say anything.
Instead, Hinata sighed and gave him a smile. He already had an arm around Komaeda's waist, but he didn't move to separate them.
That sort of intimacy... Komaeda worried that it made his heart beat loudly enough for Hinata to hear. His old self would have thought he didn't deserve to be looked at so affectionately, and a part of him was still trying to convince him that it was too good to be true, but it was becoming easier and easier to ignore that part.
While everyone else was waking up and starting their day, he and Hinata were still in bed. It had become something of a ritual for them. Komaeda was a little afraid he was going to get addicted to the time they spent together in the morning.
There must've been no question left about their relationship. He was probably the only one who still wondered about it, even though it was clear that they were together. Hinata even promised him that he wouldn't leave him. It wasn't easy to accept a promise like that as the truth, but when Hinata said it...
It was hard to explain. Komaeda just believed him. No matter how much his past experiences told him that he should be skeptical, he always kept believing in that promise.
In his life, happiness was the scariest thing. It always came with a price. He had received some wonderful things that seemed lackluster compared to the amount he needed to suffer first. To receive Hinata's love, Komaeda feared that there had to be a terrible misfortune yet awaiting him – the worst, like nothing he'd ever experienced before. Yet, as long as he remained with Hinata, basking happily in his affection, it seemed that bad luck would never touch them.
He was happy. It was frightening and he had no small amount of anxiety, but he was happy. For as insecure as he still felt, he also felt secure, safe and sound in Hinata's arms. That seemingly precarious, unbalanced state of being sounded unstable, but it was perfect. His life had never been normal, so it seemed only fitting that he would live the rest of his life in a perfectly contradictory way.
Someday, Komaeda hoped, he would be able to love Hinata and be loved in return without a hint of worry.
He wished to show him the full depth of his gratitude.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked, breaking the precious silence with a question he felt no shame in asking.
“We just did a lot more than kiss,” Hinata said, laughing as he rubbed their bare legs together. “Go ahead.”
Smiling back, Komaeda leaned in and pressed their lips together. He didn't go farther than that, simply happy to feel the softness of Hinata's lips against his own. His chest swelled with a special feeling as he parted from him and he let out a sigh.
“You've been doing a lot better, haven't you?” Hinata asked. He lifted a hand and brushed it through Komaeda's unruly bedhead, lightly ruffling the fluffy mess. “It's kind of amazing. Even when I first met you-” He stopped to correct himself. “When we met in the program, that is. When I met you then, you looked so pale and fragile, like you'd get get blown away with the wind. I had no idea your hair wasn't white.”
Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “Isn't it?” He grasped one of his curls and tugged on it, trying to examine it for himself. He would've called it white.
“More like cream. Or strawberry blond. I really thought the tips were dyed, but that was your real hair color. See, I've got a nice view over here. I can see the top of your head and you've got roots growing in.”
“Really?” Komaeda put a hand on top of his head.
“You hadn't noticed?”
No. Of course he hadn't noticed. His appearance wasn't at the top of his concerns. That was just a little petty thing compared to his destructive luck. As he'd discovered, his luck was even responsible for the way the others had distanced themselves from him. As soon as he and Hinata were together, they began treating him more kindly, like they had no idea why they had disliked him in the first place.
He didn't know what was so special about his hair, though.
It was hard to put his finger on it, but there was something strange about seeing Hinata getting so excited over something so small. Before, he would have feigned disinterest at the least, acting outright indignant other times when his feelings showed.
Ever since Komaeda woke up, he'd noticed a difference in Hinata. At times, he was softer and kinder and spoke more openly than he recalled, but there were also times when his eyes looked extremely focused, when he would start speaking in a way that didn't sound familiar at all.
When Komaeda let Hinata's question fade away, the cottage gently became quiet again. Aware of Hinata's eyes on him, Komaeda felt unable to look away and watched his expression intently to figure out where the line was drawn; at what point Hinata ended and Kamukura began.
He was aware of Hinata's other self ...or whatever it was.
It wasn't a problem. He was just concerned about him.
In between his unexpectedly fond touches and uncharacteristically affectionate words, Hinata would adopt that serious look. He seemed to do it unconsciously whenever he was thinking.
The hand on his waist continued to idly stroke his skin, but Hinata's eyes said that he was thinking deeply about something and Komaeda wanted to understand. It was enough that Hinata loved him, but Komaeda didn't totally understand why. He didn't want to take it for granted – he couldn't – but he knew that there had to be deeper depths.
The way Hinata loved him... It was almost like Hinata was compensating for something.
“Are you sure you're Hinata?” Komaeda asked.
He knew that his question must have sounded sudden. Hinata's eyes widened slightly, but then he immediately resumed that contemplative expression, his eyes dark, his mouth set in a line. There was something oddly inhuman about that look. Komaeda recognized it from when he first met him, way back then.
It was interesting that Hinata thought he needed to clarify that they first met in the program. Komaeda hadn't questioned him even though he knew that wasn't true.
“That isn't easy to answer. How should someone define their identity?”
Good. It wasn't Hinata who answered him.
The room still felt warm and their bodies were still entwined, but the atmosphere changed. Komaeda changed with it.
“What do you mean?” he asked, stroking Hinata's back with his real hand.
Hinata's eyes strayed for a moment, his cheeks reddening as he watched the hand that stroked his back. When Hinata looked into his eyes, his focus returned as if it had never left. “For instance, when you're a child, everything is new to you. Your experiences inform your knowledge, opinions, personal tastes, and so on. All of your experiences lead you to being who you are today. However, would you say that you are the same Komaeda Nagito who existed at age five?”
“No, I don't think I would. But I'm still me. That was me – just a simpler me.”
Hinata closed his eyes and nodded. When he looked back at Komaeda, there was a smile on his face, but he didn't look as relieved as he was trying to appear. “If that's what you think, then I'm definitely Hinata Hajime.”
Komaeda traced his fingers over Hinata's hip, lowering his lashes as he spoke. “It's kind of creepy to think about, huh? A year from now, I'll still be me, but I'll also be someone different.”
“You get it.”
“Sure, but you aren't like other people. You started out as Hinata. Then the person known as Kamukura Izuru began a new life in your body with their own experiences. Then Hinata-kun woke up again with all of Kamukura-kun's memories still inside of him. So aren't you really two people?”
He caught him.
He didn't mean to bother him by bringing up something unpleasant, but what he said seemed to make Hinata visibly uncomfortable. After all, he was supposed to be Hinata.
Hinata was a person full of all kinds of feelings. If they were in a relationship, then Hinata was supposed to treat him kindly and love him and shower him in affection. That was how couples showed their love. Probably.
That was probably what Hinata thought.
“Sorry,” Komaeda said, lifting his hand to pat Hinata's cheek. “I didn't mean to confuse you. I'm not questioning who you are now. I'm saying that the answer doesn't have to be black or white. It's black and white. You can be Hinata and Kamukura.”
Hinata gave him an exasperated sort of look. “If you had already come to that conclusion, then why did you ask me at all?”
“Because. It seems to me like you're trying really hard to be Hinata, but is that who you want to be? Are you alright with that, handing everything over to him?” Komaeda knew that he couldn't speak for him, but if he had been the one in his position, he felt like acting one way or the other would have been erasing other important parts of him. At the least, those parts would have been ignored. Something about that just didn't seem right.
If that was what Hinata was doing, then he was responsible for his own inner conflict. If Komaeda hadn't been able to recognize the difference between the two, he might have thought that Hinata had simply matured, but that wasn't the case.
“Hinata is the one who everyone knows,” Hinata said.
Komaeda nodded. “I know Kamukura-kun, though. You don't have to pretend to be one person when you're with me. You're kind of bad at it anyway.” He put both arms back around him and gave him a light squeeze, pressing their chests together. “I fell in love with you both, so it's fine.”
“I didn't expect to be having such a deep conversation before I've even gotten out of bed.” A smile broke out on Hinata's face. “But look who I'm talking to. I never know what to expect from you.” Squeezing Komaeda back, he dipped his chin and gave him a kiss. “Thank you.”
“That's right. You should thank me,” Komaeda said, beaming. He wasn't going to defer praise anymore. He didn't feel like he'd done anything special since he was just telling Hinata what he thought, but if Hinata wanted to thank him for something that small, then Komaeda figured it was harmless to accept that small praise. “I know you better than anyone, Hinata-kun. I can tell when you're acting weird.”
“I've been weird?” Hinata asked, looking both surprised and embarrassed.
“That's the most Hinata thing I've heard you say! I know it must be hard to do, but try not to think so hard about it. I want you to be you. If I'm allowed to speak candidly... I won't be happy if you keep pretending to be who you think I want you to be.”
“I want to go back to the way I used to be, though. Is that bad? I feel like I've taken Hinata's life away from him.”
Komaeda placed two fingers to Hinata's lips.
“Not another word of that. Don't separate yourself like that. You'll only make yourself confused. You're Hinata, too,” he said. He sat up, pretending that he didn't regret parting from Hinata's embrace. Resting his weight on his strong metal arm, he looked down at him and continued, “Once you stop worrying about who you are, you'll be someone else again. You're already on your way there, but I don't think that's so bad. You're the one who was there for me when I woke up. You're still the one who listens to me and tries to understand me. That was what made you 'Hinata' to me.”
No matter what name he used, what face he had, Komaeda wished to protect the person who showed him love.
He also mischievously delighted in the fact that he knew something that Hinata didn't. It looked to be complicated for Hinata, his eyes clouding as his fragile understanding of his personhood was challenged, but it was simple to Komaeda.
“Gosh, what would you do without me, Hinata-kun...” He tossed his legs over the side of the bed, but he didn't want to get up just yet. His mouth was getting ahead of him like it used to. He wasn't able to stop himself before unfiltered words slipped off his tongue. “The real reason you kept me around is because I'm the only one who knows who you really are.”
He was glad he was faced away, otherwise Hinata might have seen the sneer he gave himself for getting carried away. His real feelings were on display in his words.
Hinata remained silent for long enough to make a sweat break out over the back of Komaeda's neck. Internally, Komaeda was begging him to speak. He knew how arrogant he'd made himself sound by assuming so much about what Hinata was thinking. He'd dug his own grave and he was just waiting for him throw the dirt over him.
“Komaeda.”
His shoulders jumped.
Hinata hummed thoughtfully to himself. He must have determined something from the nervous reaction he provoked. “Don't get confused, Komaeda. I had a lot of reasons for helping you wake up. My talents have given me a sense of responsibility now. I couldn't stand to watch anyone else die when I had the ability to save them. But also... My feelings for you were special. I felt differently about you for some reason, and I thought that you would be the only one who could help me understand.”
Komaeda heard the soft rustling of the bed sheets as Hinata moved from where he was laying, then jumped again slightly when his arms wrapped around his waist from behind. His skin tingled when he felt Hinata's breath against his neck and his blood heated up when he heard him speak, his voice low and warm.
“Were you waiting for me to tell you that you aren't the most important person to me?”
Rather than arrogant, Komaeda was left feeling childish and silly. It was a good thing Hinata was able to read his thoughts. Even if a part of him still felt undeserving, what he'd really been looking for was reaffirmation of his importance.
It was a wonder why he could understand the things Hinata had trouble with when he had trouble understanding himself. Perhaps, if he let himself be a little presumptuous again, he would've thought they were made for each other.
A long sigh passed Komaeda's lips as he layed back in Hinata's arms. It felt too early to be feeling so weary. Laying in his arms, it took all of a second for him to begin feeling better, feeling his skin against Hinata's, feeling Hinata's heart thumping softly against his back.
“I don't want to become someone else again,” Hinata said. Without looking back, Komaeda felt him resting his forehead against his shoulder. “Please, keep an eye on me. Make sure I stay the person who you remember.”
Komaeda placed his hands over the ones on his waist and squeezed them gently. The barely contained distress in Hinata's shaky voice sounded very familiar. “I don't think I'll have to as long as you stop pretending to be one way or the other. Right now, you're definitely you. Changing is inevitable, but I'll remember everything about you, so you won't lose anything.”
“K... Komaeda.”
“Hm?”
His voice sounded more unsteady that time. Concerned, Komaeda turned around in his hold so he could look at his face, but he was surprised by the expression he saw. Hinata's flustered blush had spread all the way from one ear to the other. With his brows drawn together, Hinata looked away.
“I'm... glad I can talk with you like this,” he said.
It was like Hinata was aiming to shoot him through the heart again, looking and sounding that disarmingly innocent. Though it was a look rarely seen on him, Komaeda found it familiar. Whenever Hinata tried to speak his feelings, his tongue would get tied and he'd blush in that unexpectedly adorable way.
Komaeda had to look away, knowing that he was going to catch his blush if he stared for too long. “Wh-what are you talking about? Don't get all sappy on me. I was just telling it like it is.”
“That's why, though,” Hinata said, nuzzling the back of his neck, holding him more tightly. “I'm glad you're willing to be straightforward with me. I feel like I can trust the things you say because you've never lied to me.”
“But... Didn't I deceive you and everyone else...?”
“Deceive us?” Suddenly, Hinata laughed. He released him, but he moved around him and sat at his side, putting his feet on the floor. “I think we just couldn't understand you. That was our fault.”
Komaeda wondered if it would have trivialized their problems if he tried to think of them all as misunderstandings. It wasn't difficult to look at it that way. He only wished that he could tell Hinata that it wasn't their fault. His luck was to blame for those misunderstandings.
It was...
...It wasn't his fault. Not anymore.
“Is that something to think about?” Hinata asked, breaking through the silence and the thoughts swarming Komaeda's head.
“No.” He stood, his legs feeling anxious to move. “No... I'm just overthinking things.”
But the fact that he was able to acknowledge that he was overthinking something at all meant that he'd changed significantly. Back before the program, before he even knew Hinata, when he received his diagnosis, he'd feared that it was going to warp him and ruin him, eventually turning him into someone indistinguishable from who he thought he was. And it happened. Before everything ended, he transformed into someone unrecognizable – someone who'd throw himself away, who'd try to drag everyone else down with him. He was awful.
But that wasn't who Hinata remembered. Hinata was the one who saved him.
“I...”
He'd been that close to dying as someone he hated.
“I...” He clenched his hands into fists and heard the soft scrape of metal. “I want to be someone I love.”
Keeping his hands at his sides, his head bowed, he heard the creaking of the bed as Hinata rose, felt his palm on the center of his back as he moved past him.
“I already love you,” Hinata said, sending him a glance with a bashful smile, “so I think you must be on the right track.”
As Hinata passed him, Komaeda gave his shoulder a soft punch. “You're being embarrassing. Knock it off...”
Hinata caught him off guard when he stopped and quickly caught the hand that touched him. Eyes lowered, he held the back of Komaeda's neck as he moved in for a kiss. Komaeda put a hand on his chest, but he couldn't muster the energy to even pretend to resist it, his irritation superficial. Hinata was dangerously good at just about everything, even kissing, unfortunately.
Hinata's talented tongue left him feeling breathless and weak in the knees. After just a few moments with their lips pressed together, Komaeda would have been comfortable with laying back down.
“Actually,” Komaeda mumbled against his lips, thinking out loud, “maybe we don't have to get dressed so soon. Who's going to miss us? You don't have any plans, do you? I don't.” In case Hinata needed convincing, Komaeda returned to the bed and laid down in the center, doing his best to make himself look enticing. “There are probably still a lot of things about me that you don't know yet. I know what an inquiring mind you have. Let's take the time to learn more about each other.”
Hinata stared for a moment, crossing his arms over his bare chest, assessing him.
“You know it's just kind of funny when you act that obvious, right?”
He was hopeless.
With a sigh, Komaeda turned onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “If you're trying to kill the mood by dissecting it, you're doing a good job, doctor.”
“You perform dissections when something is already dead,” Hinata said matter-of-factly.
“Well, if the mood wasn't already dead, it's dead now,” Komaeda said, playfully rolling his eyes. He wasn't going to admit it, but the mood was still alive and well. Hinata's sass was an impressive talent in its own right.
Laughing, Hinata rolled back onto the bed and put his arms around him, pulling him close. “Oh, come on. That was a good one. Admit it.”
“Your joke came at the expense of the mood, wise guy. You better know how to make it up to me,” Komaeda said, puffing out his cheeks as he returned his embrace.
“Oh, I'm sure I know a few ways I can make it up to you,” Hinata said, voice lowering with the promise of something interesting. “I'll show you things you've never seen before.”
Hinata may have become someone different. He may have become many things – but he was anything but boring.