Work Text:
Feeling shame is like being injured by something you don't know the name of
At times it feels definitionless
Not necessarily a pain
But a feeling youre consistently reminded of
Its still uncomfortable all the same
But shame has a definition
An emotion of self-consciousness caused by guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
However, still I can't make sense of its meaning
Why is it that though it has a name
It doesnt make up for its lack of clarity
Shame comes and goes
At times it isn't welcome
In the precense of company
Of friends and family
Of a partner you can't like fully
When you look at yourself
It looks back in pity
Shame feels like a pit
A pressure that begs for release
Shame follows your being
An intrusive thought you can't get above
An overwhelming presence
But should you feel shame
With someone youre supposed to love?
Love and shame are not far apart
Both all encompassing feelings
Most wait their whole life for love
And run from shame
They want love
But can't tell when they meet it
Love and shame
They're one in the same
Follow one book
Love brings confusion along with pain
As guilt follows after shame
Despite having regrets, it feels shameful to restart
Knowing I'm messing up
But not knowing entirely what I want
I'm aware of how love should feel
To an extent
In theory
But as it came and went
My love feels flimsy
My love brings confusion
Why a happy feeling brings shame
Why my love feels like atonement
For the mistakes in relationships I've made
If the love in books is wrong
Then I've never had the right role model
Because that feeling between the two main leads
Is what I thought we all were chasing after
Maybe I've been reading too many books
And clouded my preception
Thinking that love is strong and obvious
That it's as dangerous as a weapon
I thought love was suppose to hurt
Not tragically or toxic
But in the way you're screaming because of how bad you want it
I thought love was meant to be destructive
But in wishing for destruction
Am I asking for punishment
Is my idea of love that way
Because I'm unaware of what love meant
Do I want the rough edges of love
Because of its strong intent
Because I can't imagine myself deserving the fragility of it
Love is destructive in its potiential
How potientially one can make it crack and break
How a love someone wishes to have their whole life
Can vanished once met with their real face
Love is passionate
But passive in the way you allow it to simmer
It can rip out of your chest
It could leave your heart exposed to air
Yet that feeling doesn't get dimmer
Its less fragile than it can appear
I want that destructive love
The type that risks robbing your being
The type where you look at them and hurt in the worst way
And despite that you relax at the sight of their face
You sit with that destructive love
And use that energy to ask them about their day
Shame sits
Puts you in a position hard to resist
Makes you feel as if
You have to accept your position
That you can't change the place youre in
In that way
Shame differs from love
Without the dangerous possibility
Shame is a hurt that sits deep in your chest
That doesnt explode, but corrode quietly