Chapter Text
----
It had been... how long had it been?
It couldn't have been more than a few days, but it's hard to keep track of time when you are stuck in a collapsing digital reality with the only entity that simulated day and night for you gone.
Pomni still isn't sure how to feel about Caine's deletion. He had been a terrible host and even more terrible friend, but that is probably to be expected of an AI. He managed to hurt them a lot, especially at the end, and she feared him even more after what he pulled right before dying so it was probably a valid way to feel about him, and yet a part of her was still conflicted about really hating him. Because in the end, he was stuck here just as they were, and most likely didn't know any better. She felt guilty that the last thing she told him was just cruelty served as a bait to rile him up.
And now they are here, in a remote corner of the circus that looked the least damaged and wondered how did things go to shit so fast.
There wasn't much to do - they didn't need to sleep or eat so at least they had less things to worry about, but whether they would respawn if they died, nobody knew, which made any sort of venturing outside their little safe haven worse. The circus took on a way less inviting color and the holes literally everywhere posed the danger of falling into the void, and what if by any chance something was roaming the grounds. Ultimately, all of them were trying to find something to take their minds off of things and to pass the time while someone with way more information about the place tries to find a way out. (Which was, strangely enough Kinger. Well, not strange for her and Ragatha, but half of the group still tended to get confused when Kinger didn't spew total nonsense, which was honestly understandable.)
The man himself was in a corner in a makeshift pillow fortress that Ragatha insisted on making for him, most likely out of fear he'd feel guilty for ruining their plan and killing Caine. While Zooble talked (and most likely tried to comfort) Gangle and Jax was doing... who knows what, Pomni helped her build the thing. It seemed like Kinger was a moment from telling Ragatha to stop worrying so much, but must've either understood she did it to also distract her mind or was simply in too much distress to fully focus on them. A few hours (was it hours? It must've been, right?) ago he sat down and started working on a pc Pomni had no idea how he got (since he told them his last one fell into the void) and tried to find anything useful in the circus files.
And for the rest of them, it was a waiting game. At first they were just pretty much sitting around in silence until Ragatha, still hopelessly trying at least a bit to make the situation better, suggested they should play a game. The game they randomly picked was 'Who am I?' and despite not having any paper, they made it work by just whispering the corrected answer to the people who needed to know. Zooble and Pomni agreed and Gangle wanted to just watch their first round but joined in later, while Jax hadn't even made a move to come closer, standing in silence and leaning at the wall. He was worrying Pomni a lot - he had been acting more and more out of character and it was concerning to a big degree.
For the past few days - well not even just past few days, more like since the Favourite Character Awards really - he had been more and more silent and strangely enough his "funny" archetype didn't quite fit as his usual personality gave way for something akin to anger and something she couldn't quite make out. And whilst he at least still tried to be the occasional asshole while the circus was still standing, he hadn't even tried anything ever since the color had been drained from its walls. It probably didn't seem like much for the others, since they were all quite shaken up after the fact, but something nagged at her that it wasn't just that, that it had been going on for much longer and he had been hit with an ultimatum so hard he just couldn't quite keep up his appearances.
Which was its own kind of concerning honestly. Pomni wasn't sure whether they still could abstract or not. She doubted that possibility went away with Caine, so she was still worried about Jax's state of mind. At least he hasn't disappeared off to somewhere ever since Caine's death and stayed around - on the verge of being away from their little group yet still close enough to join in on the conversation if he so desired.
"Wait, am I some kind of celebrity? ...You guys do know I got into the circus before you and might not know them, right?" said Ragatha with a little nervous laugh that sounded more like she was internally panicking about her own knowledge on such a trivial thing.
"Nah, don't worry about it. You know them," tried Zooble to ease her nerves, which mostly worked, but they were interrupted by Gangle's shriek before they could say anything more.
"I forgot who Pomni was, already!" Her mask took on a sad undertone as she scrambled to remember what she forgot in all the chaos that had been Zooble's questions.
"Oh it's alright! She's Abraham Lincoln," said Ragatha, and despite whispering the second part, Pomni still heard her.
Zooble just blinked at whatever face Pomni was doing. "Wait, don't tell me... you heard it didn't you?"
"Yeah."
They all collectively groaned.
Before any of them could suggest a fix or before Ragatha and Gangle even tried to apologise, a snort interrupted them.
"Oh my god, you guys are unbelievable. Is it so hard to keep up?"
Jax was standing right beside them now, one hand on a hip and a smirk on his face. His other held out a paper and a marker.
"What... where did you even get that?" Pomni questioned, but Jax just wobbled the paper around.
"I have my ways."
"Why do I feel like you stole that from somewhere?"
"Oh you are just jealous of my magic tricks, Zoobie!"
Maybe Pomni should have asked how come he had so effortlessly conjured the paper and marker, but she was just glad he was willing to talk and joke around again. Even if most of the time it felt more like a facade more than anything, it was still good seeing him reinvent himself into their little society.
"Do you want to play with us, Jax?" Pomni asked as she took the papers and wrote down what she picked for Zooble.
She didn't quite see what was on Jax's face, but the quick response was filled with subtle refusal as he crossed his hands. "Oh nah, I can get enough laughs just from hearing you guys. Do continue, it was quite funny."
Before he could turn around and walk away, Ragatha called out, "Well you can just watch, like Gangle did!"
For a second he seemed to think about turning down her offer, but then he changed his mind and ceremoniously sat down into their little circle.
"Oh god. You just gave him a direct reason to talk shit about how we play. Great idea Ragatha," Zooble groaned, but their jab had a little less bite to it than it had weeks ago, while Ragatha's smile grew a fraction wider when she saw Jax sitting down. Huh... maybe Pomni was wrong after all - it seemed like the others also saw Jax's behavior as more than it seemed.
Jax grinned and held up his hand to his chest with way too many dramatics. "Oh I would never! You are just accusing me, how mean Zooble!"
"Yeah, yeah, you little fucker," Zooble grumbled, but otherwise made no move to tell Jax off. "So should I pick something for Pomni or should we let the chaos in and let Jax choose?"
"Oh I can totally do that." Jax was already tearing a piece of paper.
"You- We didn't even decide on that yet!"
"Don't worry Zooble. I'm sure it will be just fine," said Pomni, but she started to slightly doubt it as Jax's grin grew wider, which never meant good things.
----
They played a few rounds (predictably way more chaotic with the unpredictable Jax in the equation), fully immersed in the game, when Kinger interrupted them.
"I have something to show you."
The serious note in his voice was all it took for them to drop the papers (and wide smiles) and follow the chess piece. They all gathered in the semi-pillow fort and waited for the shoe to drop.
Kinger sat down to the computer and clicked on something. "I have found some files you should see. They were pretty deep in the system but I managed to find them. Look at this."
They all collectively stepped closer to see onto the monitor, but Kinger due to the chaos of the files and the amount of people gathered, Kinger decided to point things out helpfully.
"This here shows when each of us got into the circus."
They all searched for their name. There were quite a lot of them.
"You got here in 2017?" questioned Ragatha, something wavering in her voice.
"I- yeah. Have I not mentioned that before?" Pomni frowned. She never really thought about it, but maybe the year of her arrival could help others orient better.
"But that would mean..." Pomni followed her line of sight, landing on Ragatha [2008] and gasped.
That is... a long time.
Pomni put what she hoped was a comforting hand on Ragatha's shoulder, feeling sympathy for the girl.
Gangle's ribbon entered her view, pointing at something on the screen. "Look!"
Zooble's eyes grew big. "You have been here for 18 years??"
Kinger turned to her, something akin to melancholy in his gaze. "Yeah. I don't remember much from the recent years though, there is a sort of... static. I didn't know it was this long either."
They all stayed silent, looking at Kinger.
"Holy shit," Jax said helpfully.
Before they could talk about that particular thing more, Kinger turned to the console. "This is not the main thing I wanted to show you. There are some... concerning things writen in here you should know about." He momentarily fell silent as the screen loaded the file. "This shows information on how our character files were made."
The screen shown a lot of text, which Pomni didn't really understand much. Before she could point that out, Kinger went ahead to explain.
"This here," pointing at a line, "is the data the system has collected when you put on the headset. It shows many variables, like emotion, brain activity, levels of distress, any physical innacuracies in the brain or even temperature. But after that, here," pointing at another paragraph of text, "shows how the system copied and filed in our memories while leaving out our names."
"That... is strange. Why would the system automatically made us forget our names?" Ragatha said, playing around eith the hem of her dress in distress.
Jax followed her right up, his pupils already shrunk into small squares. "Is this how Caine managed to change us? Like when he made me vegan, or when Ragathan got the stupid sauce, or- or-"
"When you pushed the red button?"
Pomni didn't mean it as an accusation, but with the way Jax shut up right away it probably felt like one.
"Would Caine really do that?" Gangle said, balling her ribons into a ball without realizing it. Pomni wasn't even sure which one of her masks she had on, her emotions mixing at the prospect of the situation.
Zooble, seemingly taking Jax's side for once, didn't waste time doubting Caine's trust. "How would we know if he did? God knows what he could have done with our files."
Kinger, trying to save the situation from spiraling further, quickly jumped in. "I don't think Caine would do such a thing on purpose, but there might be something. I will look at more files later. But..."
He let out a sigh while closing his eyes for a second, and Pomni wasn't sure what to think anymore.
"Here, it shows the same data at entering the system, which led me to believe this was collected when leaving the system."
Pomni blinked, confusion in her voice. "What? Do you mean like getting stuck in the circus?"
Kinger met her gaze. "By what this is saying, all of our bodies 'left' the system with higher brain activity and distress, possible headache and tiredness, but overall fine. Then the 'subject' completely disconnected from the entire system, while the data it collected stayed. They were copies."
Pomni didn't like where this was going.
"...Which means that we are just digital copies of the real people."
Everyone went dead silent. Pomni had half the mind to check if the room was dim enough or if Kinger went insane again.
Ragatha was the first to speak up. "So like... we got the headset on, it copied our data into the circus, and then we just..." she gestured wildly with her hands, "walked away?"
Kinger, whose sight was jumping from each of their faces to catch their reaction, sounded strangely resigned as he answered. "Yes, something like that."
There was a long, loud silence where nobody made a sound. Kinger was still periodically checking on all of them, but otherwise made no move to say or do anything, letting that sink in. There was the sound of someone's hand gripping the table and then another in a different direction of a quick tapping of a foot.
After a few minutes, Gangle spoke up uncertainly. "So... what do we do?"
"I think I know how to get us out." There was an intake of breath from someone in the general direction of the tapping, but Pomni was busy sorting the information in her head to catch who it was.
"There were multiple instances of someone trying to get into the system, but they were unsuccessful. Given that C&A is basically abandoned from what you've told me about, I think it's fair to say it could be me, from the outside. All the actions look like something I'd do, the messages sent mention things I'd say and the signature is familiar."
"Are you sure?" Pomni said.
Kingers gaze lingered for a few seconds on someone, his brows furrowing a fraction, before responding. "Yeah, I am certain."
"Alright then. Let's say whoever that is hundred percent you and you even manage to form a connection. What then? Even if you find a way to get us into the real world, there can't just be the two of us." Zooble sounded shaken even if their voice carried a hint of anger in it.
Kinger looked at them with understanding. "I'm not quite sure, I just wanted to show you what I've found, but I am certain I'll think of something along with the other me." He put one of his hands into the other one, most likely a calming habit. "I think if we do it properly, we could add the memories of the circus into the existing ones in real life. It might sound... convoluted, but if our consciousness can be copied into the circus, then I'm sure we can do the opposite. If we do it right."
"I- okay. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. It's way better than having no plan at all." Pomni turned her eyes down, noticing her hand nervously playing with the pimpom on her clothes, then looked back at Kinger. She noticed the barely there lines of worry, and gave him a little smile. "Thank you Kinger. For telling us, and for trying to get us out. I know it's a lot for you too, and I appreciate what you do for all of us."
Ragatha nodded, her own smile looking more real than most other times, as she followed that right up with her own words of comfort. "Yeah, thank you for all of this. We would be nowhere if we didn't have you." In the corner of her view, Pomni saw Gangle nodding along.
Something akin to love and care shadowed over the worry and most likely guilt in Kingers eyes, lighting them up a bit. "It's the least I can do."
"Alright then, so we just wait now? Do we need to do something or find something in the circus?" Zooble proposed.
Gangle added another question."Do you think there will be something of use in Caine's office?"
Kinger looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'm not sure. We don't know how much of that was just Caine's adventure and if those passes really had any value or not. We also still don't know whether it's safe to traverse the circus or not. I say we way a bit, at least until I try to contact the me in real life, and then we can look."
Something caught Kinger's gaze- no, scratch that, Kinger had been looking at that spot a lot in the past few minutes. Pomni looked around after realizing that Jax has been the only one who hasn't said anything ever since the revelation. He had been awfully quiet. In all the chaos his words brought upon the group, everyone was occupied with their own thoughts, but Pomni managed to catch the absolutely panicked look on Jax's face.
What?
"Jax?"
Instead of catching the said man's attention, it got Ragatha to turn around, her face slightly contorting with worry.
Zooble had been speaking, but currently the only one who paid her attention, with both Kinger and Ragatha focusing on Jax, was Gangle. "Alright, we can do that-"
"Jax?"
Still no response.
Jax's pupils had been as small as pinprick, looking at nothing, lost in thought. His breathing was heavier than normal and just now Pomni realized that the foot tapping was coming from him this whole time.
Now everyone was looking at him, Gangle and Zooble visibly confused yet concerned. That little bit of worry had been etched into Zoobles face every time they looked at Jax ever since they shared with him their thoughts about him potentially abstracting. Ragatha took a step closer.
Before Pomni could say anything, Jax's pupils slowly expanded, until they stayed slightly bigger than they normally would. It looked hauntingly familiar to their fight in the guns game, and something terrifying was on the verge of making sense to Pomni, but just out of reach. The only thing making it different was the fact that there was no grin at all, and it suddenly looked like Jax's still wasn't all there, just in a different sense.
"What- Jax?"
It was Ragathas call that got Jax to blink a few times, before responding.
"Yeah, what?"
Zooble spoke up next. "Are you good?"
"What? Yeah I am. Sorry got lost a bit. What did I miss?"
There it was. The usual grin was back on, with almost scary precision, clearly trying to shove whatever that was under the carpet. Normally this would most likely confuse everyone and probably piss off Zooble or Ragatha since they didn't quite get why he started smiling so widely after some shit happened, but this time nobody took the bait.
Pomni sounded very uncertain when she spoke. "Are you sure? You looked really out of it..."
Jax just snorted. "Nah, it's fine. It's a lot of information to deal with! Sue me for taking time to let it sink in." With that he put his hands on his hips and grinned more. "So what do we do now?"
It didn't look like just processing information, Pomni thought, it looked more like an existential crisis or a panic attack. Instead of saying that, what came out of her was, "...Okay. You're right. We probably should process this information at our own pace."
Kinger nodded, but his eyes still periodically flew back to Jax, as if to check if he was still present. "Yeah, that is a good idea. I will tell you more after anything new happens."
With that, they all dispersed. Jax was about to walk into one of the corners of their uneven base, most likely trying to sneak out of the situation, but Pomni didn't let him.
When they were out of earshot, she spoke up. "What was that?"
Jax turned around. "What was what?"
Pomni blinked. "When you completely shut down? What was that?"
Jax's face took on such a believable surprised expression she would most likely believe him if she didn't see what she saw just minutes earlier. "I don't know what you're talking about."
There was anger that started to boil in her veins. "Oh don't do this Jax. You can't gaslight me about it, I know what I saw."
He looked comically thoughtful for a second, before going back to his usual grin. "Nope. Don't remember anything."
He really knew how to play on nerves. "Yeah, because you were stuck in your head!"
Before she could say anything else, she realized what he was doing.
He's trying to rile me up so I'll get pissed and leave him alone. It suddenly made sense - after all, most people don't stay if you keep making them mad at you.
"We are not doing this." Her voice was way calmer than just a moments before - she was good at keeping her anger in. Jax looked a bit shocked at her reaction, but it was gone the next second.
He then gritted his teeth as his pupils shrunk and his eyebrows furrowed for a bit, but that seemingly sharp anger was gone the next moment too, and then he was rolling his eyes and grinning once again.
"Look, I'm pretty sure it's a lot to take in for all of us, so what if all gave each other the space we need before we all turn at each other because we are emotionally constipated?" He gestured with one hand around like it was a comic talk show, and Pomni suddenly didn't understand him at all. At first he was trying to rile her up, but now he tried to push her away in the name of 'space'?
Besides... emotionally constipated? You're the only one who doesn't deal with his emotions in a healthy way! But again, instead of saying any of that, she just sighed. Because he looked like he was dealing with shit and giving him space right now was probably better than trying to debate with him on his mental state.
"Okay then, I'll give you your space. But please come to any of us if you need it. You don't have to hide here. I'm sure anyone here would help you if you let them."
With that she turned around and walked away, but not before she saw his face fall and pupils grow bigger, not unlike the way he did after Ragatha apologized, and not for the first time she wondered who he really was when he wasn't following his 'archetype'.
----
"Did you talk with him?"
Pomni had sat down to sort through their abandoned game of 'Who Am I' because she always worked better when she could do something with her hands, only to be approached by Ragatha. The woman in question was wringing her plush hands in her lap nervously, unnease radiating off her.
Pomni turned to her, stopping the motion of picking up the little papers into a small pile. "Well I tried, but you know how Jax is."
Ragatha just sighed and sat down next to her when Pomni gestured to her that she could. "Yeah, that is to be expected. I just-" She looked at her lap before continuing. "I wish we could help him somehow. He sometimes pisses me off but lately I've been reminded that he is stuck here just as we are, and I just wish he talked to us more."
Pomni could only agree, but the amount of truthfulness Ragatha brought up was a bit shocking.
"I mean, if we knew him better, perhaps we would understand why he is the way he is. It's just that he didn't let us in and I guess I gave up on him somewhere along the way."
And that's when Pomni understood - Ragatha was really worried. She might have been pissed at Jax many times before and said many things, but in reality she was angry because he wouldn't let her in. Ragatha was probably the most observant person in the circus (maybe only topped by Kinger, but only if he's sane) and wanted to be close and help anyone. Jax was the only one who didn't fall into that rule, and with the way he acted like an asshole to others it was easy to turn that anger back at him. It's not to say that Jax didn't deserve it - he had been an asshole and Pomni had an inkling that he also knew he deserved it. But Ragatha always cared and in a way the disruption in her self-sacrificing and people-pleasing tendencies helped her let out the anger she would otherwise try to hide.
But that also didn't mean she had to beat herself over it.
"I know it feels like you gave up on him, but you have to know that he was the one who locked us out. I also wish he didn't do that, but there is no need to blame ourselves for that. I think he knows exactly what he's doing, Ragatha." Pomni tried her soothing voice. It helped a bit.
"I know that. But you know, he wasn't always like this."
That caught Pomni off guard. "What do you mean?"
Ragatha went back to playing with her hands as she spoke. " He used to be friends with Kaufmo and Ribbit. They were nice guys, I knew them pretty well too, but... I was never that close to Jax. He always had a special bond with Ribbit, who seemed to know a lot about him. I'm sure there was something Ribbit had been frequently worried about, and I remember wishing Jax had told me things like that too, but it just... We were never that close. But he had been better back then. More... alive." She fell momentarily silent to find her words.
"He felt like a real person."
Not whatever character he's trying to play here, went unsaid and suddenly Pomni understood a core part of Jax's personality.
He's trying to bury his real self. To make himself into a character so he won't feel things. Because characters are more simple than people.
It was a lot of information to take in, but Pomni was glad to know regardless.
"So..." Pomni started, not quite knowing how to approach it. "You feel like you failed Jax?"
For a second Ragatha looked like she didn't know how to react, as if she was choosing between brushing it off or actually talking. But whatever she saw on Pomni's face must've been genuine enough for her to drop the act, because her eyes revealed hidden tiredness as her shoulders sagged and she looked down.
"I- Yeah. I just- I feel like if I had been there for him when Ribbit abstracted, when he needed it, then he wouldn't be like... this!" She gestured somewhere off where the bunny disappeared. "Maybe we would have been all closer and Gangle would have a better time here and- and he wouldn't feel the need to hide and-"
Pomni managed to cut her off before she managed to work herself into a panic attack or anything similar to it. "Ragatha, it's not your fault."
She looked back at Pomni. "But I was the only one who stayed! After Ribbit abstracted, Jax and Kaufmo had a fight they never resolved and Kinger wasn't sane and nobody really managed to stay for long enough before they abstracted too!"
Pomni just put her hand on her shoulder once again for comfort. "But that doesn't mean it's your fault. Maybe even if you tried, he'd still push you away. You are only hurting yourself now, and that won't help anyone."
Pomni looked her right in teh eyes, and hoped she could convey how sincere she is. "Just because you feel like you have to make everyone comfortable here and help them doesn't mean you can."
Ragatha didn't reply, just held eye contact, so Pomni continued. "Besides, Gangle was right. We can't just think about what could have happened. We have to help Jax now, when it matters."
"You're right." She let out a sigh and rubbed her eye. There was a bit of understanding in her eyes over shining the guilt, and she looked like she felt relieved.
"Do you feel better?"
Ragatha just blinked. "I- Yeah. It actually helped just saying it to someone. Thank you."
Pomni just smiled at her and put her hand back to her lap. "I'm glad you told me about it. It's not good to just keep it inside."
"Yeah, Kinger helped me with that. We had a talk in the gun adventure." She looked at the makeshift pillow fort. "I guess that-" Suddenly she seemed to get an idea. "Wait- Kinger helped me to open up. Do you think-"
"-he could help Jax too?" Pomni completed that train of thought.
Ragatha looked so much more cheerful at the prospect, most likely because they both knew just how good Kinger was at getting to someone. "Yeah! Kinger is so much wiser and also patient than us! Jax will have a really hard time trying to rile him up."
Pomni nodded. "Exactly! Let's give everyone a bit of time to deal with what we've been told and then we can talk to Kinger."
With that, they jumped into a comfortable conversation about anything they wanted to talk about, seemingly content with their plan for now.
Whatever is going on with Jax, they will help him. If not here then in the outside world - after all they just need to find their real world counterparts.
(If they are still still alive.)