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Robert wasn’t used to spending money like this. There was a time where all he bought himself were the bare necessities, many would argue not even that, and things for Beef. Because Beef was a good boy and didn’t need to live like Robert. Everything else went to being Mecha Man.
So here he was standing at a convention, eyes burrowing into the soft skull of a flaming hero toy with a tooth missing and big dumb eyebrows. His dog was trying to pull him away back towards the villain-themed chew toys but he didn’t budge quite yet.
Oh yeah, being in a committed relationship definitely was altering his spending habits.
“See something you like, sir?”
A friendly blonde girl that couldn’t have been older than Herman was smiling at him, albeit with a somewhat concerned expression. He guessed having a man who looked dead inside having a brief staring contest with a plushie was a cause for some concern.
“Right, sorry. Didn’t mean to uh- stare.” He huffed, trying to clear the brain fog out of his head before continuing his rare non-work/Flambae related interaction. “I was just wondering if this guy was for sale. Got a big Flambae fan at home.” Technically not a lie, Zahir adored himself.
“Oh! Why yes he is, sixty bucks;” Robert winced, “It’s handmade, I wanted to make all the members of the Z-Team since I saw them beat up that big eyeball villain!” The girl beamed, Robert could tell it was a good price but to be fair the guy cringed at spending money on anything non Beef and Mecha related. “It’s a shame they didn’t have any merchandise before so… I decided to fix that!”
One detail Robert couldn’t help but fixate on. “All members of the Z-Team?” He casually glanced around at the other plushies, everyone was here except Waterboy. That was some bullshit, but it’s not like he can force people to make merch of the kid…
“Well, except Waterboy. He was super popular and all of them sold out in the first hour. Sorry if you wanted one.”
Ah, he’ll have to find a way to tell Herm that at some point. Robert smiled, “As it should. Don’t worry, just wanted this fireball guy. Great work on his details by the way. Love the tooth gap.”
“Right?!” The girl grinned, clearly loving her work being appreciated. She placed the toy into a bag and rang him up. “Enjoy!”
“I will, thanks.”
—------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Zahir.” Robert called, unleashing Beef so the chubby thing could go running for his food bowl inside. “I got you something!”
“If it’s not money or food I don’t want it!” Zahir responded from somewhere deeper in the apartment. Robert would normally roll his eyes but the tone in Zahir’s voice sounded a bit less sarcastic and more somber than normal.
Robert pushed open their bathroom door to find his boyfriend resting in the bathtub, water lightly steaming as the pyro had his head back and eyes closed. “Everything alright, Bae’?”
Flambae just shrugged. Alright, so that type of day. He placed his shopping bag down before going to sit by the edge of the tub. “Did your niece's dance recital go well?”
“Fucking obviously. She’s like a child prodigy. Like- Jackson five all by herself.”
Robert snorted, before searching the man’s face. Vulnerability didn’t come easily to the two men. A lot of years of having it hammered in as weakness mixed with not letting people get too close. They often found themselves having to play this game of pull and tug, figuring out what was wrong without being too forceful. Less the game be over. “I can imagine. No idiot tried to hit on you did they? I’d be pretty upset too if I had to remember I was stuck in a relationship with mecha depression.”
Some warm water got flicked onto his face as his boyfriend jabbed a finger at him, “Hey. You knock that self-deprecating shit off. This is my sad bath, bitch.”
“Oh, is it?”
Flambae lolled his head to the side, rolling his eyes. “Whatever. It’s just…” His tone lost his signature heat as he looked down at the water. “There was some stupid fucking parent there that recognized me. Not as Flambae the super sexy hero but…” He trailed off, looking down at his missing two fingers. He didn’t need to finish the sentence.
“Flambae the moderately attractive hero?” Tug. Pull.
“Fuck. Off.” More water splashed to his face, but some lightness was added to his tone before it disappeared again. “Fucker said he didn’t want to see someone like me at his kid’s dance recital. Someone like me? What, like Ms. Beverly doesn’t have a fucking DUI!” The bath water had almost boiled over at that point before Zahir took a deep breath in through his nose. Clenching and unclenching his fists as smoke slowly left his nostrils. It was almost a constant battle with their security deposit when he got like this.
“Yeah. People can be dicks;” Robert slowly slid his hand into the bathtub to touch Flambae’s knee. Rubbing circles into it, the temperature would’ve made most people pull their hand back but nerve damage in the fingers did wonderful things for his relationship to a walking fireball. “Ecespially when it comes to their kids. But you know, I bet if that building had a thundercuck crash into it- They’d all be begging to have you there to protect them.”
“Of course they would! That’s exactly what I told Madison!” Robert just nodded along, he had long mastered the act of pretending he understood the stories Zahir would bring home of dance recital mom politics but he honestly couldn’t recount who Madison was if a gun was pointed to his head.
“You know, maybe Mecha Man could make an appearance sometime.” Robert idly kept massaging his boyfriend’s knee, shrugging to himself. “Might just so happen to be there to see someone and run into his teammate. Could even give you a pat on the back to show we’re cool.”
Zahir snorted, turning his eyes to look back at Robert. Expression going soft, almost reverent. Almost. “Bitch. You pat me on the back like we’re co-workers who do fantasy football together and not like you fuck me stupid, I’ll kick your ass infront of all of the moms.”
“Wow, even Madison?”
“Bitch, you don’t even know who Madison is.”
Robert laughed, vulnerability didn’t come easily. “Well- maybe Madison would like this gift instead, hmm?”
Flambae’s eyebrows shot up, glancing over to the bag on the floor. “Oh shit, yeah. Bring me your offering to this sexy body.” Mood seems to be lifted then.
He shook his head as he went to retrieve the gift. “I passed by a convention and found something from somebody who loves the Z-Team. Wouldn’t stop talking about her favorite heroes.” Ok, so maybe he was exaggerating the interaction a bit. Zahir didn’t need to know.
He pulled out the plushie and turned it to Flambae. He watched as the meta’s expression changed. Seemingly flickering between exasperation and amusement. “Fucking really?”
“Oh, now you don’t like hero worship? This is what heroes get, merchandise.”
“I warned you what would happen if I got a plushie that looked like me, yes?”
“Yeah, I’ll expect your nudes getting me fired first thing tomorrow morning.” He waved the soft toy near Flambae’s face just to see him swat it away half-heartedly.
“It better be fireproof.”
“Oh, I didn’t ask. Try not to set it on fire though, you know it was handmade.” With that the firestarter’s expression seemed to soften, he carefully lifted it up and held it at eye-level.
“Did they have all of the Z-Team’s?” He asked, voice surprisingly quiet.
“Of course, she said she wanted them to have merchandise after watching them kick that eyeball villain guy’s ass.”
“Eyeball?”
“Yeah, I guess Shroud’s name wasn’t very memorable to her.”
Zahir laughed now, a small thing. He turned the plushie back and forth. Seemingly appreciating it, “They even got my eyebrows right.”
“And the tooth gap. Not like I noticed or anything.”
Zahir’s soft gaze fell back to Robert, his eyes always looked more like stained glass instead of a campfire when the mood felt like this. Robert leaned forward, letting his eyes fall shut.
Just for his lips to meet soft cotton. He sighed as he retracted his offer, opening his eyes to glare at the stupid man he loved.
“Wow, Robbo. You’re like, obsessed with me. That’s why you need two of me.” Zahir sniggered.
There he was at least. “I’m gonna go make us food while you’re too naked to stop me.”
“Bitch, you think I can’t go into my own kitchen like this? You are not cooking agai- Bob-Bob!”
Robert could hear panicked splashing as he leisurely walked his way into their kitchen, opening and closing the fridge as if he was really gonna cook something. Angry dari curses and muttering could be heard from their bedroom as Flambae got dressed at record speed.
—------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert sipped on his coffee from the standard chipped SDN mug. He slowly released a sigh as he brought it down from his mouth. The only real hero in this world was the one who discovered the magical bean that made him able to somewhat function as a human being.
He flicked on his monitor before being greeted by hoots and hollers from members of the Z-Team over his headset. “Alright, let’s clear the comms.”
Unfortunately one very large bat with a crypto scam affinity pretended not to hear Robert. “Hey, Robert-Robbo, my guy, is there a reason why you’re getting fucked in the break room?”
Flambae laughed loudly, followed quickly by Prism. God, help him.
“...Sonar, I’m gonna give you about five seconds to elaborate before you’re on coffee-run duty.”
Sonar stammered, quickly trying to catch himself. “Aww, c’mon man! It’s in the break room, there’s like, a mini version of you!”
Fucking. Of course there is.
He quickly accessed the breakroom camera and found what he really should’ve expected from this gift by now. A Mecha Man plushie was in the middle of one of the break room tables, a Flambae one positioned right on top of it. Well, at least it was better than getting fired over having his boyfriend’s nudes sent to him on his work computer.
He took another long suffering sip of his coffee just as he heard collective giggles and snorts from the rest of the team come through.
Seemingly unphased to them, he responds with a monotone. “Well, I can see Flambae’s not going for a realism considering they should really be flipped around. Now, about that coffee order, Flambae.”
He could hear an eruption of laughter, though, not nearly as loud as the sound of Flambae sputtering and quickly trying to deny it as his tracker showed him flying to the nearest coffee shop. Robert refused to talk or even acknowledge what would later be called by Visi as the ‘plushie cucking incident’ for the rest of the shift despite constant prodding from his team.
Two weeks later a Waterboy plushie was found sitting in a break room chair facing Mecha Man and Flambae toys that were in another suggestive position. No one took credit for it, and Herman’s face was as red as a tomato for the rest of the shift. Robert would fire everyone if he could, including himself.