Chapter Text
The change had been so gradual that none of them could have pointed to a specific moment when it happened. When Dark Choco Cookie first joined the Cookies of Darkness, there had only been four of them. Dark Enchantress Cookie sat at the center of it all, calm and unwavering in her purpose. Pomegranate Cookie acted as her devoted servant and advisor. Licorice Cookie followed close behind, eager to prove himself despite his constant complaints. And then there was Dark Choco Cookie, the newest addition.
In those early days, silence ruled their headquarters. Conversations were brief and purposeful.
"Report."
"Understood."
"The mission is complete."
Nothing more. They shared meals in near silence. Passed one another in hallways without greeting. Gathered around strategy tables only when Dark Enchantress required it. Each Cookie had joined for their own reasons, united only by their loyalty to the cause. At least, that was how it started.
Years passed and somewhere along the way, the silence disappeared.
"Dark Choco."
Dark Choco looked up from sharpening his sword. Pomegranate stood nearby, a stack of papers tucked beneath one arm.
"What is the proper protocol for approaching a neutral kingdom after a border dispute?"
Dark Choco considered the question.
"Depends on whether they started it."
Pomegranate immediately produced a notebook.
"If they did?"
"You arrive armed but keep your weapons sheathed. Show strength without threatening them."
She scribbled furiously.
"And if they didn't?"
"Bring gifts for an apology and to smooth over tensions. Don’t antagonize them."
Pomegranate nodded seriously.
"Thank you."
She left. Dark Choco watched her go. A few years ago, neither of them would have spoken unless Dark Enchantress had ordered it. Now Pomegranate asked him questions almost daily. Sometimes he suspected she simply enjoyed collecting information.
The next interruption came less than an hour later.
"Dark Choco!"
Licorice burst into the room. Dark Choco immediately sighed.
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened!"
That usually meant something had happened. Licorice flopped into a chair.
"Hypothetically, if someone accidentally animated thirty-seven skeletons and now can't get them to stop dancing-"
"What."
"That's not important."
"It sounds important."
Licorice ignored him.
"How would one negotiate with skeletons?"
Dark Choco stared.
"Why would I know that?"
"You're good at diplomacy!"
"They're skeletons."
"They still have feelings!"
Dark Choco rubbed his temples. A few minutes later he found himself helping Licorice convince several dancing skeletons to return to the graveyard. He never learned why they had started dancing in the first place. Not that Licorice knew either.
Despite his disastrous practical skills, Licorice somehow possessed an incredible amount of theoretical knowledge. Need information about necromancy? Ask Licorice. Need to know exactly which magical herbs should never be mixed together? Ask Licorice. Need to know the proper treatment for a curse? Ask Licorice. Need him to actually perform said treatment? Absolutely not. The last time he tried healing someone, they had somehow ended up with purple eyebrows for a week. Dark Choco still wasn't sure how.
Meanwhile, Pomegranate had become the unofficial keeper of everyone's lives. No one understood how. Or when. Or why.
"Licorice, you're late."
"I am not!"
"You were scheduled to arrive six minutes ago."
"How do you know that?"
Pomegranate slowly opened a notebook.
The three other cookies, including Dark Enchantress, immediately became nervous. Dark Choco had once glanced inside. The notebook contained schedules, mission reports, favorite foods, sleeping habits, weapon maintenance dates, magical inventories, and several pieces of information that Dark Choco was certain nobody had ever told her. The experience had been unsettling. Dark Enchantress occasionally joked that Pomegranate probably knew where every Cookie was at any given moment. Nobody was entirely convinced it was a joke.
As for Dark Enchantress herself, she remained the one they all turned to when no one else had the answer. Ancient history from before the Virtues had become Beasts. Forgotten magic that had been banned in no less than ten kingdoms. Kingdom politics from a couple thousand years ago. Ancient artifacts that had been lost to time. If knowledge existed somewhere in the world, Dark Enchantress usually knew where to find it. And if she didn't know, she somehow knew someone who did.
The others often found themselves gathered around her, seeking guidance. Not because she demanded it. Because they trusted her. That realization surprised Dark Choco one evening.
The four of them sat together in the common room. Licorice was complaining loudly about a failed spell. Pomegranate was correcting him. Dark Enchantress was listening with faint amusement. Dark Choco sat nearby polishing his sword. No missions, strategy meetings, or orders. Just conversation. Just company.
The room felt warm, comfortable and familiar in a way he hadn’t felt since before he had started training decades before. Dark Choco looked around and found himself struck by a strange thought. At some point, the Cookies of Darkness had become more than an organization. More than allies. More than soldiers serving the same cause. Without anyone noticing, they had become something resembling a family.
Licorice immediately ruined the moment.
"My skeletons are unionizing."
The room fell silent.
"What?" Dark Choco asked, blinking rapidly.
"They have demands."
"Skeletons don't have demands."
"They do now."
Pomegranate sighed. Dark Enchantress covered her mouth, trying - and failing - not to laugh. And despite himself, Dark Choco felt a small smile pull at the corner of his mouth. Perhaps being part of the Cookies of Darkness wasn't quite what he had expected after being banished from the Citadel. But he wouldn't trade it for anything.
When Dark Choco first met Poison Mushroom, he had been on a relatively simple mission. Go to point A, retrieve a scroll, deliver it to point B, return to headquarters. Simple, quick, and easy in a way many missions weren’t. In fact, normally Pomegranate would send Licorice on the mission but he was, quote, “lamenting over the lack of respect his skeletons had for him”, end quote. Dark Choco thought it was inevitable with how he lets them unionize, but he digresses. The point is, he hadn’t been expecting to find a small child next to the guard who had held the scroll. The guard who was on the ground, foaming at the mouth with bits of mushrooms scattered around him.
Dark Choco Cookie had been promised a simple mission. Travel to a small outpost. Retrieve a scroll. Deliver said scroll. Return home. No diplomacy. No combat. No Licorice accidentally raising the dead and ending with accidentally releasing an eldritch monster on some poor forest that Dark Choco had to diplomatically talk into a ceasefire again. Simple. Unfortunately, Dark Choco's life had developed a habit of refusing to be simple.
The first sign that something had gone wrong was the smell. Mushrooms. An overwhelming amount of mushrooms. Dark Choco frowned as he approached the outpost.
The second sign was the guard. The guard who was currently lying on the ground. Foaming at the mouth. Surrounded by suspiciously colorful mushroom pieces.
"..."
Dark Choco stared. The guard did not move or make a sound resembling language. Rather just a slight burbling that was probably a cry of pain or a cry for help.
The third sign was the child. A tiny Cookie sat beside the unconscious guard, happily chewing on another mushroom.
Dark Choco blinked. The child blinked back. For several moments neither moved. Then the child smiled.
"Aaaaaah!"
Dark Choco immediately took a step backward. The child giggled. Dark Choco looked at the guard. Then the mushrooms. Then the child. Then back to the guard. The evidence was concerning. Very concerning. Slowly, Dark Choco crouched down.
"...Did you do this?"
The child nodded enthusiastically.
"Aah!"
Dark Choco had no idea what that meant. The child held up a mushroom. Dark Choco declined. The child offered it again.
"No."
The child looked offended. Dark Choco was not intimidated. The child shoved the mushroom into their own mouth instead. Dark Choco watched them chew. Nothing happened. No foaming. No collapse. No apparent poisoning. Which somehow made the situation worse. Because that implied the child ate these things regularly.
The guard suddenly groaned. Dark Choco immediately checked for a pulse. Alive. Good for the guard, though he had a feeling it wouldn’t last long. Unfortunately, the guard's belt pouch was empty. The scroll was nowhere in sight.
Dark Choco glanced at the child. The child glanced back. There was a scroll sticking out from underneath them.
"..."
The child sat directly on the mission objective. Dark Choco closed his eyes. Of course. Naturally. Why wouldn't the mission objective be trapped beneath a potentially poisonous toddler?
When he reached for it, the child immediately slapped his hand. Not hard. Just enough to make their point. Dark Choco froze. The child puffed out their cheeks.
"Aah."
"No."
"Aah."
"No."
The child hugged the scroll. Dark Choco considered his options. He could forcibly take it. The child wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. But somehow stealing a scroll from a toddler felt beneath him. Even if they had probably poisoned a guard. Instead, he sighed.
"What do you want?"
The child brightened immediately. They held up another mushroom. Dark Choco stared. The child stared back. Slowly, Dark Choco accepted the mushroom. The child immediately handed over the scroll. A trade. The transaction had been completed. Dark Choco wasn't entirely sure how he felt about being successfully negotiated with by a toddler. The child seemed pleased.
Dark Choco carefully tucked the scroll away. Mission accomplished. Now he just needed to leave. Simple. Easy. He turned around. Tiny hands immediately latched onto his cape. Dark Choco stopped. The child smiled up at him.
"Aaaah."
"No."
The child tugged harder.
"No."
More tugging. Dark Choco sighed. Five minutes later he was still standing there. The child was still attached. The unconscious guard had not woken up. He might have died. And Dark Choco was beginning to realize a terrible possibility.
The child had no parents nearby. No caretaker. No indication of where they belonged. Just mushrooms. An alarming amount of mushrooms that he was pretty certain the child was making. The child yawned. Then promptly fell asleep while holding his cape. Dark Choco stared down at them. The tiny Cookie couldn't have been more than a toddler. Far too young to be wandering around alone. Far too young to be poisoning random guards. Far too young to survive by themselves.
"..."
Dark Choco looked toward the road home. Then at the sleeping child. Then back at the road. A very familiar sense of impending doom settled over him. Because he already knew exactly how this would go. He would bring the child back to headquarters. Pomegranate would demand an explanation. Licorice would panic. Dark Enchantress would somehow agree to keep them. And within a month everyone would be acting as though the child had always lived there.
Dark Choco sighed heavily. The child snored.
"...This is a terrible idea."
The sleeping toddler immediately smiled. As though they had somehow heard him. Dark Choco stared at the sky. The universe remained silent. Which he took as confirmation that nobody was coming to save him. Carefully, he picked up the child. The toddler instinctively curled against his shoulder. A small basket of mushrooms dangled from one tiny hand. Dark Choco suddenly understood, with dreadful certainty, that his simple mission was no longer simple.
And that the Cookies of Darkness were about to gain another member.
A few weeks after bringing home Poison Mushroom Cookie, Dark Choco Cookie came to a very important realization. The universe hated him. There was simply no other explanation.
Because the moment things had finally settled down at headquarters, the moment Poison Mushroom had stopped trying to feed everyone suspicious fungi every other day, the moment Dark Choco had begun to think life might be becoming manageable-
Pomegranate handed him another mission.
"Something is terrorizing Licorice."
Dark Choco immediately looked up.
"Terrorizing?"
"His word, not mine."
That explained a lot. Licorice's definition of terrorizing ranged from "ancient monster attempting to consume me" to "a squirrel looked at me funny" to anything in between.
"What exactly happened?"
Pomegranate consulted a notebook.
"He claims something keeps stealing his offerings, disrupting his rituals, chasing away his skeletons, and laughing at him."
Dark Choco stared.
"...Laughing?"
"Apparently."
From the corner of the room, Licorice pointed dramatically.
"It knows my schedule!"
Pomegranate looked entirely unsurprised. Dark Choco wasn't sure whether that reflected poorly on Licorice or on the thing haunting him. Perhaps both. Regardless, a mission was a mission.
So several days later Dark Choco found himself standing in the middle of a forest. Again. At this point he was beginning to suspect forests existed solely to inconvenience him. The forest itself seemed normal. Quiet. Peaceful. No monsters. No signs of danger. No evidence of whatever had been tormenting Licorice. Dark Choco followed the trail toward the old graveyard Licorice frequently used.
The first sign something was wrong was a skeleton. Specifically, a skeleton hanging upside down from a tree. Dark Choco stopped. The skeleton waved. Dark Choco blinked. The skeleton continued waving.
"..."
He decided not to question it. The second sign was another skeleton. This one had been buried headfirst in a bush. The third sign was a collection of ritual supplies hanging from tree branches like decorations.
Dark Choco rubbed his temples. Someone was clearly messing with Licorice. And judging by the creativity involved, they were enjoying themselves immensely.
A sudden rustling sounded overhead. Dark Choco immediately reached for his sword.
Something dropped from a tree. A figure landed gracefully in front of him. Red hair. Wolf-like ears. Sharp eyes. A confident grin. The teenager couldn't have been much older than the little ginger child that had been building a kingdom. Maybe a bit older. Definitely not the ancient forest monster Dark Choco had been expecting. Or the squirrel.
"Found you."
Dark Choco frowned. The teenager pointed dramatically.
"You're the scary sword guy."
"..."
"You walk around with the necromancer."
"..."
"You smell like the castle."
Dark Choco decided not to ask how someone could smell like a castle. The teenager crossed his arms.
"I don't like him."
"Licorice?"
"He keeps disturbing the graves."
Dark Choco paused. That was actually fair. The teenager jabbed a finger toward him.
"So I scare him away."
"You've been stealing his supplies."
"Yes."
"Hiding his skeletons."
"Yes."
"Following him around and laughing."
The teenager looked proud.
"Yes."
Dark Choco suddenly understood why Licorice had been losing his mind. The teenager was relentless.
"What exactly are you?"
The grin widened.
"I'm Red Velvet Cookie."
Ah. That explained absolutely nothing. Red Velvet took a step forward. Dark Choco immediately noticed movement behind him. Then another. And another. Wolf-shaped figures emerged from the trees.
Cake Hounds. Dozens of them. Dark Choco stiffened. The hounds gathered around Red Velvet immediately. One sat on his foot. Another climbed onto his shoulders. A third attempted to chew on his sleeve. Red Velvet accepted all of this as completely normal.
Dark Choco stared. The hounds stared back. One barked. Another sneezed. The terrifying forest menace had apparently turned out to be a teenager and his pack of oversized puppies. Wonderful.
A Cake Hound trotted toward Dark Choco. It sat. Its tail wagged. Dark Choco hesitantly patted its head. The hound immediately collapsed onto his boots.
Red Velvet laughed. Actually laughed. Not mockingly. Just genuinely amused. For some reason, that surprised Dark Choco.
"You don't seem very dangerous."
The words escaped before he could stop them. Red Velvet froze. The grin vanished. For just a moment. Something vulnerable flickered across his expression. Then it disappeared.
"I can be."
Dark Choco believed him. The sword strapped to the teenager's back wasn't decorative. The scars visible beneath his sleeves weren't decorative either. Whatever Red Velvet's story was, it wasn't a simple one. But at the moment? He mostly looked tired. And lonely.
The realization made Dark Choco suspiciously uncomfortable. Because he recognized it. He remembered being that age. Remembered wandering alone. Remembered not having anywhere to belong. The silence stretched.
One of the Cake Hounds shoved its face into Red Velvet's hand. The teenager immediately began scratching behind its ears. The expression on his face softened instantly.
There it was. The real problem. Not a monster. Not a threat. Just another kid. Dark Choco felt a terrible sense of déjà vu. No. Absolutely not. He knew where this was going. He refused. The universe had already tricked him once. It would not happen again.
A Cake Hound wandered over and pressed itself against his leg. Dark Choco ignored it. Another joined it. Then another. Soon three Cake Hounds were leaning against him like he was a tree. Red Velvet snickered.
"They like you."
"This is irrelevant."
"It's really not."
Dark Choco looked toward the sky. The sky offered no assistance. Again.
Somewhere in the distance, he imagined Pomegranate writing something in a notebook. Dark Enchantress smiling knowingly. Licorice complaining loudly. Poison Mushroom trying to feed everyone mushrooms. And suddenly he had a horrifying vision of Red Velvet sitting among them with a dozen Cake Hounds sprawled across the castle floors. The image felt far too plausible. Dark Choco hated that. The teenager tilted his head.
"What are you staring at?"
"...Nothing."
Unfortunately, Dark Choco knew himself well enough to recognize the warning signs. And the warning signs were telling him that this mission was becoming dangerously similar to his last one. Which was a problem. Because the last time that happened, the Cookies of Darkness had accidentally acquired a child. And Dark Choco was beginning to suspect they were about to do it again.
"...Dark Choco."
The deceptively calm voice of the Mistress of the Cookies of Darkness would’ve made a lesser cookie squirm. Dark Choco Cookie merely accepted that his life had become a series of increasingly difficult questions.
"Yes?"
Dark Enchantress looked past him. Far past him. Specifically toward the teenager currently sitting in the middle of the castle courtyard. The teenager who was surrounded by no fewer than fourteen Cake Hounds. The Cake Hounds who were currently treating the castle like they owned it.
"Why," Dark Enchantress asked carefully, like the situation was a ticking timebomb, "is there a child and no less than fourteen Cake Hounds in the castle?"
It was less a question and more an observation. Dark Choco considered his answer. Unfortunately, he did not have one. The silence stretched.
One of the Cake Hounds ran past carrying a decorative pillow. Another was attempting to fit through a doorway despite being significantly wider than the doorway. A third had somehow acquired Licorice's hat. Dark Choco watched it disappear down a hallway.
"..."
"..."
Dark Enchantress waited. Dark Choco sighed.
"He was the thing terrorizing Licorice."
From somewhere nearby came an outraged shriek.
"I WAS BEING HUNTED!"
Dark Choco ignored it. Dark Enchantress raised an eyebrow.
"The child?"
"The child."
"The one currently teaching Cake Hounds how to climb furniture?"
Dark Choco glanced over. Red Velvet was indeed encouraging a Cake Hound to jump onto a table. The table was losing.
"...Yes."
Dark Enchantress pinched the bridge of her nose. That was never a good sign. Before either could continue, a blur of black and purple raced into the courtyard. Licorice Cookie pointed dramatically.
"HIM!"
Red Velvet pointed back.
"YOU!"
"You stole my ritual supplies!"
"You were disturbing graves!"
"You hid my skeletons!"
"You unionized your skeletons!"
Licorice gasped.
"You leave them out of this!"
Dark Choco closed his eyes. Dark Enchantress looked ready to develop a headache. Meanwhile, the Cake Hounds had decided this argument was fascinating. All fourteen sat in a circle. Watching. One barked whenever someone raised their voice. It was surprisingly effective.
"Enough."
Dark Enchantress spoke only a single word. The entire courtyard fell silent. Even the Cake Hounds froze. Red Velvet blinked. Licorice immediately stood at attention. Dark Choco felt a moment of sympathy for both of them. Dark Enchantress folded her hands.
"You are Red Velvet Cookie."
The teenager straightened slightly.
"Yes."
"You care for the Cake Hounds."
"Yes."
"You have been living alone."
A brief pause.
"...Yes."
The confidence vanished from his voice. Dark Choco noticed. So did Dark Enchantress.
The courtyard grew quiet. Because suddenly everyone could hear what hadn't been said. No family, allies, nor home. Just a teenager and a pack of Cake Hounds trying to survive together. Red Velvet crossed his arms. Defensive. Ready for rejection. Dark Choco recognized the posture immediately. He used to stand exactly the same way. The silence lingered. Then another voice spoke.
"So he's staying?"
Everyone turned. Pomegranate Cookie stood nearby with a notebook tucked beneath one arm. Red Velvet blinked. Licorice blinked. Dark Choco felt an immediate sense of dread. Dark Enchantress slowly looked at her.
"Pomegranate."
"What?"
"You arrived thirty seconds ago."
"Correct."
"How have you already reached that conclusion?"
Pomegranate opened her notebook. Dark Choco immediately regretted existing.
"I've observed a pattern."
"No."
"First Dark Choco found Poison Mushroom."
"No."
"Now he has found another child."
"Pomegranate."
"The probability of adoption is approximately ninety-seven percent."
Dark Choco rubbed his temples. Licorice looked between them. Then toward Red Velvet. Then toward the Cake Hounds. His eyes widened.
"No."
Dark Choco looked up hopefully. At last. Someone sensible. Something he’d never thought he’d say about Licorice. Licorice pointed accusingly.
"We can't adopt him."
Dark Choco relaxed.
"Thank you."
"We'd need a bigger dining table."
Dark Choco's relaxation vanished instantly. Across the courtyard, Red Velvet looked utterly bewildered.
"What are you talking about?"
No one answered. Because at that exact moment, Poison Mushroom Cookie wandered into the courtyard carrying a basket. They spotted Red Velvet, spotted the Cake Hounds, and immediately brightened.
"Friends!"
Before anyone could react, Poison Mushroom was buried beneath excited Cake Hounds. The toddler giggled. The Cake Hounds adored them instantly. Red Velvet stared. Poison Mushroom stared back. Then held up a mushroom. A peace offering. Dark Choco watched the exchange with growing horror. Red Velvet actually accepted it.
"Oh no," Licorice whispered.
"What?"
"They're bonding."
The courtyard fell silent. Everyone watched.
Poison Mushroom climbed into Red Velvet's lap as though they'd known him for years. The Cake Hounds crowded around both of them. Red Velvet looked startled. Then awkward. Then, very slowly, comfortable.
Dark Choco saw Dark Enchantress smile. Just a little. The same smile she'd worn when Poison Mushroom first arrived. The smile that meant the battle was already lost.
Dark Choco sighed, deeply and resignedly. Because he finally understood the truth. The Cookies of Darkness were no longer an organization that occasionally acquired members. They were a family that occasionally acquired strays. And somehow, despite never meaning to, Dark Choco had become the one bringing them home.
Dark Choco had not been involved in the recruitment at all. For once. The remaining members of the Cookies of Darkness had arrived through means that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and he considered that a blessing.
The first was Strawberry Crepe Cookie.
Pomegranate had returned from a mission with an expression that immediately made Dark Choco suspicious. The atheist priestess (a combination that Licorice had teased her for and had ended up waking up falling over a waterfall more than once for) wore the look of someone who had found a particularly entertaining problem.
"What happened?" he had asked.
Pomegranate had smiled.
"I found a child."
Dark Choco immediately regretted asking. The explanation only got worse.
Apparently, Strawberry Crepe had challenged Pomegranate after taking offense to something she had said. Neither Dark Choco nor Licorice had ever learned exactly what that something was. What they did know was that the confrontation had ended with Pomegranate being forced to actually defend herself.
To hear her tell it, this was a monumental event.
"Managed to make me use my staff," she informed Dark Enchantress with a mixture of annoyance and delight. "Can you imagine?"
Dark Choco could, unfortunately. Pomegranate was terrifying specifically because she rarely needed to resort to violence. The fact that someone had pushed her to that point was impressive. The fact that the someone in question was approximately half Dark Choco's height and much less than half his age was concerning.
"So you recruited them?" Licorice asked.
"I took a liking to them."
"That's not an answer."
"It is the answer."
It turned out that Pomegranate respected competence. Strawberry Crepe had proven both competent and stubborn enough to hit her with a wrench despite every warning to stop. Pomegranate had apparently found this charming. Dark Choco suspected she simply enjoyed collecting troublesome children. When he voiced this opinion, Pomegranate looked deeply offended.
"I do not collect children."
Dark Choco slowly glanced toward Licorice (though they both knew he was a child, he was as troublesome as one). Then toward Strawberry Crepe. Then back to Pomegranate.
"..."
"..."
"...We also have Poison Mushroom."
"That is not helping your case."
Pomegranate huffed. Dark Enchantress had approved the recruitment almost immediately with the delight of someone who found the situation funny. Strawberry Crepe, meanwhile, had accepted the offer with all the grace of a hurricane.
They moved into the castle. They immediately began dismantling parts of the castle. Dark Choco lasted exactly three days before finding one of the hallways filled with machinery.
"What is this?"
"A project."
"What kind of project?"
"A good one."
That answer explained absolutely nothing. By the end of the week there were strange inventions everywhere. Cake hounds now possessed inexplicable mechanical enhancements. Doors opened when they shouldn't. Red Velvet had a prosthetic arm. One suit of armor chased Licorice down a corridor.
Dark Choco chose not to ask questions. It was easier that way.
If Pomegranate had deliberately acquired Strawberry Crepe, Agar Agar Cookie was acquired entirely by accident. Which, Dark Choco would later argue, somehow made the situation worse.
It had begun with Licorice disappearing for three days. This was not unusual. Licorice routinely vanished into ancient ruins, abandoned graveyards, cursed catacombs, and other locations that sensible Cookies avoided. Every time he returned, he brought something with him. Usually bones, sometimes books, on one memorable occasion, a curse that had taken Dark Enchantress and Pomegranate working together to break.
This time he returned carrying a child. Dark Choco stared. The child stared back. The child appeared vaguely translucent.
"...Licorice."
"Yes?"
"Why is there a ghost in the castle?"
Licorice looked offended.
"She's not a ghost."
The child immediately phased through a wall for a moment. Dark Choco pointed. Licorice ignored him.
"Anyway, this is Agar Agar."
The child blinked.
"I am?"
"You are now."
"...Oh."
Dark Choco pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Start from the beginning."
Licorice sighed dramatically.
"I was exploring."
"Grave robbing."
"Exploring."
"Grave robbing."
"Fine. Grave robbing."
Satisfied, Dark Choco gestured for him to continue.
According to Licorice, he had discovered an ancient well hidden beneath a ruined shrine. Being Licorice, he immediately decided to investigate. Being even more Licorice, he had also decided it was the perfect place to perform an experimental summoning ritual. In retrospect, this had been a mistake.
The ritual had worked. Something had answered. Something large. Something old. Something with entirely too many eyes. Licorice remained disturbingly proud of this achievement.
"The important part," he explained, "is that before it ate me-"
"It what?"
"Before it ate me, I noticed there was someone living in the well."
Dark Choco blinked.
"Living."
"Well... existing."
That was somehow less reassuring. The being inhabiting the well had apparently spent so long there that even she didn't remember how she had arrived. She'd been little more than a lingering spirit, drifting through the darkness beneath the ruins. Then Licorice had arrived. Then Licorice had summoned an eldritch horror. Then the eldritch horror had noticed her. Unfortunately.
"At which point," Licorice said proudly, "I heroically rescued her."
"You ran."
"I ran heroically."
Dark Choco looked at Agar Agar. Agar Agar nodded.
"He screamed the whole time."
"I was warning you!"
"You were screaming."
"I was multitasking."
The creature had pursued them through the ruins. Licorice had thrown every spell he knew at it. Most had done absolutely nothing. One had accidentally struck the spirit hiding behind him. The resulting explosion of magic had been... unexpected. Neither really understood what had happened. The spell had somehow anchored the wandering spirit to a physical form. By the time the dust settled, the eldritch horror had lost interest and disappeared. The spirit had become a Cookie. A very confused Cookie. One with pale dough, strange markings, and absolutely no idea who she was.
"Do you remember your name?" Licorice had asked.
She had shaken her head.
"Do you remember where you're from?"
Another shake.
"Do you remember anything?"
"...The well."
There had been a long silence. Then Licorice had pointed dramatically.
"Agar Agar Cookie!"
"Why?"
"Because you were living in a well full of weird jelly-like growths."
Agar Agar had considered it. Then shrugged.
"I like it."
And that had been that. Dark Choco had expected her to leave once she recovered. Instead she stayed.
Apparently after spending an unknowable amount of time alone in a dark well, living in a castle full of eccentric villains was preferable. A surprisingly low bar.
The strangest part was that Agar Agar quickly became attached to Licorice. Not because he was responsible. Or reliable. Or even particularly sane. But because he had been the first person to speak to her. Licorice pretended not to care.
This lasted approximately two days. After that he could frequently be found teaching her spells, showing her old ruins, and proudly introducing her as his apprentice despite nobody ever agreeing that he was qualified to have one. Dark Choco watched all of this happen with growing concern.
The Cookies of Darkness now possessed yet another child. One acquired through reckless magical negligence.
Which, unfortunately, was exactly how everyone expected Licorice to find a child.
Dark Choco would later maintain that there should have been paperwork. Or at least a warning. Perhaps a schedule. A note. A single sentence saying: By the way, there are now five more children. Instead, Dark Enchantress simply continued her research and occasionally appeared holding an infant. It happened often enough that nobody was surprised anymore. Which was arguably the most concerning part.
The first time, Dark Choco entered the laboratory to deliver a report. Dark Enchantress accepted it without looking up.
"Good."
"Is there anything else?"
"No."
Dark Choco nodded and turned to leave. Then he stopped. There was a tiny Cookie sitting on the workbench. The Cookie was chewing on a measuring spoon. Dark Choco stared. The Cookie stared back. The spoon disappeared into her mouth.
"...Mistress."
"Yes?"
"There is a child on your table."
Dark Enchantress glanced up.
"Oh. Matcha."
As though that explained everything. Dark Choco waited. Dark Enchantress waited. Eventually he realized no further explanation was forthcoming.
"...Who is Matcha?"
"A successful experiment."
The child sneezed. Green powder exploded across three notebooks, a magical apparatus, and Dark Choco's armor. Dark Enchantress calmly brushed powder off her sleeve.
"Mostly successful."
Three hours later Matcha was in Dark Choco's arms. He never learned how this happened. One moment he had been walking through the castle. The next he was holding a baby. Pomegranate passed by.
"Oh."
Dark Choco pointed at the infant.
"Why am I holding this?"
"Because Mistress is busy."
"Why am I holding this?"
Pomegranate smiled.
"You look trustworthy."
Dark Choco looked down. Matcha had fallen asleep. Dark Choco considered handing her to Pomegranate. Matcha immediately grabbed his cape. Pomegranate laughed and continued walking. Traitor.
The Chess Chocos arrived next. Or rather, they arrived simultaneously. Dark Choco had never entirely figured out how that worked. One day Dark Enchantress emerged carrying a small child. The next day there were two.
Neither Dark Choco nor Licorice ever managed to determine where the second one came from. They asked once. Dark Enchantress replied with a twenty-minute explanation involving magical duplication, soul resonance, and experimental instability. By the end of it everyone was more confused than before.
The twins, meanwhile, seemed perfectly content. Unfortunately, they were also terrifyingly clever.
Dark Choco's first warning sign came when one of them distracted him while the other stole his sword. His second warning sign came when they somehow stole Pomegranate's notebook. His third warning sign came when they stole it again after she got it back.
Nobody knew how. Not even Pomegranate. The twins refused to explain. They simply exchanged identical smiles. Dark Choco immediately distrusted their smiles.
Licorice adored them. This was a mistake.
"Observe!" Licorice announced.
The Chess Chocos stared.
"This game is a test of intelligence and strategy."
Five minutes later he lost. Three times. The twins had never played before. Licorice demanded a rematch. Then another. Then another.
By sunset he was on his ninth defeat and claiming they were cheating. The twins remained completely silent throughout the entire ordeal. Dark Choco was fairly certain they enjoyed his suffering.
Pom-Pom appeared several months later. At first, Dark Choco thought she would be the easy one. She was quiet, polite, and soft-spoken. She listened when adults talked. She said please and thank you. She never caused trouble.
Dark Choco foolishly believed this would continue.
Then he discovered her standing atop a staircase surrounded by twelve Cake Hounds. The hounds sat below her like loyal knights. Pom-Pom pointed. The hounds marched. Pom-Pom pointed again. The hounds turned. Pom-Pom pointed a third time. The hounds surrounded Red Velvet.
Red Velvet looked delighted. Dark Choco looked horrified.
"How?"
"She gave them snacks."
Red Velvet sounded impressed. Dark Choco stared.
"That's all?"
"That's all."
Pom-Pom held up a biscuit. Twenty-three Cake Hounds immediately appeared from seemingly nowhere. Dark Choco decided he did not want to understand.
Mold Dough came next. Dark Choco was fairly certain Mold Dough had been born already plotting something when he first got out of the oven. The child was quiet. Watchful. Far too intelligent for someone who was so young and so strong.
Dark Choco would find him sitting silently in corners reading books far above his age level. Whenever someone asked what he was doing, the answer was usually unsettling.
"Learning."
That should not have been threatening. Somehow it was.
The child absorbed information like a sponge. Within weeks he understood military strategy. Within months he was correcting Licorice's spell diagrams. Within a year he was casually suggesting improvements to fortress defenses. The worst part? Most of his suggestions worked.
"He reminds me of you."
Pomegranate sounded entirely too pleased. Dark Choco immediately disagreed. Mold Dough looked up from his book.
"Your left flank is vulnerable."
Dark Choco froze.
"...What?"
"You consistently position heavy units too far forward."
"..."
"If the enemy attacks from the side, you'll lose support."
Dark Choco slowly turned toward Pomegranate. Pomegranate looked smug. Dark Choco hated this.
Venom Dough was the last. Hopefully. Very hopefully. Desperately hopefully.
Dark Choco had learned his lesson by now. When Dark Enchantress emerged from her laboratory carrying another child, he immediately turned around.
"No."
"Dark Choco."
"No."
"You haven't even looked."
"I don't need to."
Unfortunately, he did look. Venom Dough smiled. Dark Choco immediately knew he was in trouble. The smile was identical to Licorice's right before a disaster.
Within a week, no less than three Cake Hounds had become mysteriously purple, a fourth glowed in the dark, Licorice accidentally poisoned himself (though that wasn’t as odd as Dark Choco would have preferred), Pomegranate accidentally poisoned Licorice (a bit odder as she tended to prefer the waterfall or tossing him out a window), and Venom Dough somehow poisoned a flower. Nobody knew how. The flower was already dead.
Dark Choco stopped asking questions.
By this point, the castle had become less a fortress of darkness and more a highly dysfunctional daycare. Matcha was climbing furniture. The Chess Chocos were plotting something. Pom-Pom had acquired another dozen Cake Hounds. Mold Dough was reading books intended for adults. Venom Dough was attempting chemistry. Strawberry Crepe was building machinery. Agar Agar was learning magic.
Licorice encouraged all of them. Pomegranate spoiled all of them. Dark Choco was responsible for all of them. He had never agreed to this. Nobody cared.
One evening, Dark Enchantress walked through the castle and paused.
The children were scattered throughout the hall. Cake Hounds lounged on the floor. Licorice was asleep against a wall with Agar Agar using him as a pillow. Pomegranate was reading to Matcha and Pom-Pom. The Chess Chocos were quietly playing a strategy game with Mold Dough. Venom Dough was being watched carefully from a safe distance. Dark Choco sat in the middle of it all, surrounded by chaos. Dark Enchantress observed the scene for several moments. Then she smiled.
"A pleasant atmosphere."
Dark Choco slowly looked up. Around him, nine children and approximately thirty Cake Hounds occupied what had once been the most feared castle in Earthbread. Around him, what had once been the most feared stronghold in Earthbread looked remarkably similar to a family home.
"...Mistress."
"Yes?"
"We are running an orphanage."
Dark Enchantress considered this. Then simply continued walking. Dark Choco did not appreciate that her silence sounded suspiciously like agreement.