Chapter Text
The door to the practice room slammed open, the handle knocking loudly against the wall. Jooyeon’s voice came ringing through the room even before he was fully visible. “Cheese have a new single!” he shouted, waving his hands above his head triumphantly. “It’s by far their best work yet!”
Jiseok was already rolling his eyes, turning his attention back to tuning his guitar. “You say that every time.”
“Yeah,” Jooyeon grumbled, his arms falling back to his sides, “because every time it’s true. Cheese are probably the best metal band around at the moment. Every one of their singles is a step up from the last. How can a band get so much better with every song? It’s crazy!”
“What’s this single about?” Jungsu asked.
The question almost brought stars to Jooyeon’s eyes. Since their first single ‘Say Cheese’ had gone viral almost a year prior, the band had instantly become one of Jooyeon’s favourites. Their style was unique, the two band member’s identities completely shrouded by the masks and distortion in every one of their videos. They always dropped their songs without any warning, and the only videos on their page were the stylistically shot music videos that went along with each one.
“Being forced to hide your true thoughts,” Jooyeon replied. “It’s called ‘Digress’ and it’s so good! Can I play it to you? The breakdown is so insane that when I first heard it, I was genuinely worried about passing out!”
“Okay, sure. I’m curious,” Jungsu hummed, sitting forward in his seat and holding the aux cord out to the maknae. The practice room had a good sound system, but there was only one aux cord. It was stationed on the wall just beside Jungsu’s keyboards and over the years, control of it had fallen solely to him.
Jooyeon plugged his phone in, practically hopping from one foot to the other as he loaded up the track. Everyone knew by now that when Jooyeon wanted to show them something, there was no satiating him until it had finished. Jiseok and Hyeongjun dropped their guitars into their stands and Gunil put down his drumsticks.
The song started with a heavy guitar part, the bass thrumming beneath it. The drums kicked in soon after, followed by the vocals. The whole song sounded messy in the perfectly curated ‘Cheese’ way the band had become known for. Just enough vocal distortion that the singer’s original voice couldn’t quite be found, but not enough that the words were undiscernable.
The video on Jooyeon’s phone was shot in a small garage, the metal door closed firmly behind the drum kit. The singer had a guitar strung around his body, shoulders hunched as he leant into the mic. His mask cut open around his lips to reveal the messy black of his lipstick. The footage was flickering, the grain so heavy you could physically see the noise as it danced across the screen.
The shots were close up and awkward, the camera using a fisheye lens and never settling one thing for too long. Jooyeon watched with awe, almost like he was hearing the song again for the first time.
It ended with a complex drum section, the singer’s voice cracking over it as he screamed ‘digress!’ over and over again. The song ended suddenly, cutting away until all you were left with was the whine of an amplifier and the singer’s laden breathing.
Jiseok let out a huff, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest. “Alright, you’re not wrong. That was pretty good.”
“I told you so! Cheese does not disappoint!” Jooyeon unplugged his phone, handing the aux back to Jungsu.
As he took it, Jungsu mused aloud, “I wonder how long they’re going to keep doing this. My cousin sent me an article the other day about how politicians are starting to get antsy. Masked men going viral posting songs about inspiring revolution? It’s only a matter of time until they try to, like, arrest them, right?”
Jooyeon’s lips pulled down at the edges, his eyebrows creasing into a frown. “I really hope not.”
“If they do anything, it’ll literally prove everything Cheese is saying.” Seungmin said. “I think if they actually do try, it’ll be super sneaky and in the background. Like, maybe try to pin them for something else so it doesn’t look like it was purely because of the music?”
“True,” Jungsu agreed.
Gunil let all the air out of his lungs in a long sigh. “Well, right now we should be focusing on our own band practice. And you should be careful how much you talk about Cheese, Jooyeonie. I know you like them a lot, but the public won’t appreciate an idol who openly supports them. We have a lot to get through today, so let’s get started.”
Jooyeon visibly deflated, but he knew Gunil was right. Despite how viral Cheese may be, they were still singing about the government’s downfall and about human rights. Each of their songs encouraged revolution, be it through peace or violence.
Despite Cheese’s success, most public figures condemned them - if they were even brave enough to utter their name.
As usual, Hyeongjun said nothing, reaching silently to pick his guitar back up. He had to tilt his head, letting his hair fall past his ear to the side to hide his smile.
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
Hyeongjun dropped down into his desk chair, letting out a tired groan into the silence of his bedroom. His limbs ached, the length of the day pulling at his joints and hanging heavy on his eyelids. Still, he wasn’t quite ready to go to sleep just yet.
He reached for his phone, his eyes blurring slightly as the time ‘01:34am’ appeared across his screen. He unlocked it, dialling the phone number he had memorised by heart.
“Hey, Jun,” the voice on the other side greeted, his own words slightly slurred with exhaustion. “You calling for the stats?”
“You know me too well, Hoo,” Hyeongjun hummed in reply, sitting back in his chair and pressing his phone to his ear. He usually preferred calling on speaker phone, but he wouldn’t dare risk it with Minhoo. Not with Seungmin in the house.
He could hear the clicking of a keyboard through the connection. “So far the comments have been pretty good. There’s been the usual amount of death threats, but y’know. The fans like it. We’re sitting around six million views for the music video already, which is better than most releases. How did Jooyeon take it?”
The corners of Hyeongjun’s lips curled up at the memory. “Same as usual. Demanded everyone listen to it as soon as possible. Gunil-hyung had to remind him again that he has to tone his obsession down.”
Hoo chuckled, his tone taking on a teasing note. “I bet you were blushing seeing him all excited.”
Hyeongjun huffed. “I wasn’t. As I keep saying, it’s barely a crush. I just think he’s endearing.”
“It’s not nice to lie to your friends,” Hoo shot back. “I think it’s sweet. You’re in love with your biggest fan-”
“Okay, first of all, I’m not ‘in love’. It’s just a crush,” Hyeongjun grumbled, but it sounded like a lie even to his own ears. “And second, he’s a bandmate, that’s it. Cheese is complicated. When I’m performing as a part of that group, I’m not ‘Han Hyeongjun’. So technically he’s Cheese’s biggest fan, not mine.”
“Sure, draw whatever lines you need to. Don’t act like you’re not writing personal lyrics though.” Hoo hesitated, the clicking of his keyboard halting and silence filtering through the call for a beat. “Speaking of, I’m almost done mixing ‘Rework’. Are you sure you want to put it out next? It’s… going to have a much harsher reaction than anything else you and Gunil-hyung have done.”
Hyeongjun’s jaw tightened.
Cheese started as a concept a year and a half ago, the memory of it still fresh in the front of Hyeongjun’s mind.
····
“Say ‘Cheese’ for the fucking camera, bitch,” Hyeongjun hissed sarcastically. He scoffed, his knuckles white from where he was gripping the edge of the bench top. He didn’t get like this often, so overcome with anger he couldn’t even think.
Gunil was leaning against the fridge, arms crossed firmly across his chest and his head hung low. He wasn’t in a much better state, voice tight when he spoke. “We’re forced to be shells. I hate it. I want to talk about what I believe. We should get the right to speak up for what we feel is right.”
Hyeongjun’s fingers spasmed against the metal of the bench. “We aren’t dolls. We aren’t playthings for people’s entertainment. We’re real human beings. We have our own beliefs and values. We’re more than just pretty faces.” His laugh was dry and sharp. Ugly. “We’re a fucking rock band, for God’s sake.”
“We’re profit. That’s all the company sees,” Gunil grumbled. His fingernails dug into his arms through his hoodie, leaving marks shrouded under the dark material. “They don’t really care.”
Pushing off the bench, Hyeongjun took a few quick steps across the room before turning on his heel. He was pacing, doing whatever he could to burn the hideous energy inside him. “I can’t keep doing this. I have notebooks of real lyrics no one would ever approve. Raw, ugly shit about the government and the pressure of existing.”
“Me too,” Gunil sighed. “I have so many demos that are way too heavy for our style. It’s tiring, but fuck, do I want to perform a concert that’s all viscous and dark. I don’t have a problem with pop songs, but they get old.”
“I wanna release something that hasn’t been through hundreds and hundreds of staff checkpoints. That hasn’t been rewritten and reworded until the meaning is vague and deniable. I want to scream something real,” Hyeongjun growled into the space, anger bubbling unchecked through him. He didn’t get like this. He never got like this.
Gunil took a breath, swallowing thickly as his mind raced. “Then let’s do it.”
“What?” Hyeongjun frowned, turning on his heels to stare at the drummer before him. “What do you mean? The company will never allow it.”
“Then we don’t tell the company,” Gunil explained, his hands shaking by his sides with the adrenaline pumping through him. He took a small step forward, his words coming out in a rush. “I have a friend from Berklee who lives just out of Seoul now. He works in music production and has a whole recording studio in his house. We can record something there, and we can distort all of the vocals so no one knows it’s us. We can just put it out on YouTube or some shit. See if anyone even cares.”
Hyeongjun’s chest heaved. Every breath felt like it was clawing at his insides, his head spinning. “Cheese,” he said finally. “We can be called ‘Cheese’.”
Gunil’s lips curled up at the edges, an awkward smile pulling at his lips as a dark look flashed through his eyes. “Say ‘Cheese’ for the fucking camera, bitch,” he said, repeating Hyeongjun’s words from earlier.
“Exactly. We’ll become Cheese. We’ll become something other than idols. And no one will know it’s us,” Hyeongjun breathed, the words heavy between them. “Text your friend. Tell him we need to meet up.”
····
‘Digress’ was their sixth single as Cheese.
The first had been ‘Say Cheese’, a song about how, to be accepted by society, you were forced to be fake to meet their expectations.
The second was ‘Surveillance’, inspired by George Orwell’s ‘1984’.
Then came ‘Rot’, the graphic lyrics depicting the way your inside rotted as you forced yourself to conform to society’s wishes.
Fourth was ‘Immigrant’, about how the mere colour of your skin is enough to change people’s opinions on you.
Then was ‘Ammunition’, a call for the people of the world to use violence to fight back against oppression.
Hyeongjun and Gunil had already recorded single number seven. ‘Rework’ was almost entirely Hyeongjun’s own creation. It was born of his internal struggle with himself, a mutation of the lyrics he had scribbled down years as he first struggled with his own identity.
It was a song explicitly about the LGBTQ+ community and about how it feels to rework your entire self until you don’t recognise yourself. How it feels to know people would hate you if you were yourself. Cheese is a band who talk about complex issues regularly, they still knew the kind of push back an openly queer song was going to get.
Still, Hyeongjun owed it to himself to follow through, to post it next month like they had scheduled.
He let out a breath, nodding to himself. “I’m sure, Hoo. I need to do this.”
“Okay,” Hoo replied simply. “We’ll make a time next week to go over the final version and film the music video. That will give me enough time to edit it before the upload date.”
“Thank you Minhoo,” Hyeongjun said, his tone dipping slightly. “For everything you’ve done. If anyone found out you were helping us, you would get in so much trouble. So, just… Thank you.”
The line crackled as Hoo let out a breathy laugh. “Don’t get all soft on me now, Jun Han. And trust me, if I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here. I believe in Cheese’s message just as much as you and Gunil-hyung do. Don’t you forget that.”
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
‘What’s a song that you recommend for your fans?’
The question stood out on the page like a sore thumb.
The six members had all been piled shoulder to shoulder into the unmarked company van, their manager settled in the driver’s seat as he shuttled the group between locations. They were just about to do an interview, the questions printed on the papers each of them were holding.
“I know what I want to say,” Jooyeon grumbled, “but I also know I can’t.”
“No,” the manager cut in seriously, eyeing the maknae in the rear-view mirror. Jooyeon was settled in the middle seat between Hyeongjun and Jungsu. “You can’t say Cheese. None of you can, okay? Just choose a random song you like. How about something by 5 Seconds of Summer? Their album came out not long ago. The fans would love to hear you talk about it.”
“It just sucks,” Jooyeon sighed, falling back against his seat dramatically. “They’re my favourite band right now and I can’t even talk about them.”
Hyeongjun grimaced. This was exactly why they started Cheese. Because they couldn’t say anything that hadn’t been preapproved. Gunil was in the seat behind him and, while Hyeongjun couldn’t see his face, he knew the drummer was frowning as well. He could practically feel the anger radiating off him in waves.
A hand pressed suddenly to Hyeongjun’s thigh. It was warm, the heat seeping through the material of his pants to reach his skin. His eyes snapped towards the contact, all of his senses narrowing in on it. Jooyeon’s nails were cut short, unpainted and a few of them slightly chipped. His thumb traced a small circle into the cotton of Hyeongjun’s pants.
This wasn’t the first time this has happened, not by a long shot, but it always caught the guitarist off guard. Cheese fell away from his thoughts so suddenly it made his head spin, the space filled with Jooyeon, Jooyeon, Jooyeon…
Hyeongjun swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, turning his head stiffly to stare out of the window. He tried to remind himself that this was just Jooyeon, that he was just touchy like that. That this didn’t mean anything to him the way it did to Hyeongjun.
Lee Jooyeon would never like Han Hyengjun like that and that was just a fact.
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
Hyeongjun dropped his bag down heavily on the couch, crossing Hoo’s living room in long strides. He didn’t wait for Gunil trailing behind him, throwing the mini studio door open.
The room inside had originally been a spare bedroom, but when Hoo inherited the house from his aunt and uncle a few years ago, he had developed it into his very own recording studio. He lived a little way out of Seoul, enough that the houses were spaced out and they had room to play the drums and turn up their amps freely without worrying about any complaints.
The far wall housed the ‘mixing desk’, a large desk with two computer screens and a mini portable mixing board. Off to the side stood a few amps and guitars in stands. The drums lived in the garage, too much of a hassle to move. There was a worn couch beside the door, one that Hyeongjun had fallen asleep on more times than he could count.
Hoo winced at the sudden light spilling through the dark room, shielding his eyes with his hand as he turned to greet them. “Maybe giving you your own keys was a bad idea,” he grumbled, waving for them to sit down on the couch.
“How’s the song going?” Hyeongjun asked once he was settled. After closing the studio door behind them, Gunil dropped down beside him with a huff.
“Depending on what you think, it’s finished,” Hoo replied. He navigated through the software’s project list, landing on the ‘Rework’ file. He didn’t say anything as he clicked play, dialing the speakers up and letting the song flood out through the room like a suffocating, angry wave.
The lyrics were raw, bare enough that Hyeongjun found himself flinching.
Back when they were first deciding how Cheese would work, Gunil had decided that Hyeongjun should be their vocalist. While he wasn’t convinced at first, Hyeongjun knew they were looking to litter their songs with screaming, something Gunil hadn’t quite been able to master the way he had. With enough distortion and encouragement, Hyeongjun had agreed his voice did fit the vibe they had both been after.
Now, listening to himself spit out the vicious lyrics made his heart beat out of his chest. It wasn’t a love song, but Hyeongjun had made sure that when he wrote about love, he explicitly used male pronouns. He sang about the pressures of heteronormativity and the fear that comes along with it as a queer person. About the constant expectation of masculinity and how it still suffocates him to this day.
‘Like a noose wrapped around my throat.’
There were tears in Hyeongjun’s eyes by the time the song ended. He blinked them back, nodding to himself as he took it all in.
“So?” Hoo tried tentatively. “Thoughts?”
“It’s fucking perfect,” Hyeongjun said, his jaw moving tight and uncomfortable around the words.
Hoo hummed, twisting in his chair to look at Gunil. “Hyung?”
Hyeongjun shot a look sideways at the drummer, at the man he had started this all with. The other half of Cheese. Gunil cleared his throat, the sound slightly wet as he wiped a tear from his cheek. “Yeah, Hyeongjun said it well. It’s fucking perfect, Hoo.”
Minhoo clapped his hands together, a wide smile pulling across his lips. “Then, the next order of business is the music video. Are you two ready to shoot this bad boy?”
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
Hyeongjun sat against the mirror, his phone heavy in his hands. The practice room was mostly empty, everyone but him and Jooyeon having left for their break.
Jooyeon’s amp buzzed lowly, the sound like an underlying crackle the air couldn’t quite shake. The maknae was picking at his bass, his fingers dancing across the strings as he read from a tab on his phone.
It took Hyeongjun a moment to pick up what song it was, the quick paced notes stripped bare without the rest of the song to accompany them. “You’re playing ‘Rot’,” he realised aloud, letting his phone settle down on the ground beside him.
Jooyeon hummed, pressing a hand over the strings to mute them. “Cheese don’t have a bassist,” he said before pausing thoughtfully. “Well, clearly they can play bass. The guitarist probably can, I assume. But, it’s just the two of them, so in the videos they can’t show the bass being played.”
Hyeongjun let his head rest back against the glass, a soft hum spilling past his lips. Jooyeon was always good at noticing things, more so than a lot of people often assumed. He could be silly, but he could also be so very wise. Hyeongjun bit back a dark blush, working to keep his heart beat level.
“It’s stupid,” Jooyeon started, ducking his head and wringing his hands together, “but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be their bassist. I can play all of their songs fairly well and I could definitely write darker songs like theirs if I tried. It’s a bit delusional, but I think about it a lot.”
The air around Hyeongjun wobbled, pressed between the sound of the crackling amp and his own heart’s thumping. “I’m sure if they knew you, Cheese would love to play with you too,” he said, the words quiet. “They’d be fools not to.”
When he looked up, Jooyeon’s eyes shone in a way that made Hyeongjun’s stomach swoop. “Maybe,” he sighed. “But we’re idols.”
The words hung between them.
‘So?’ The thought caught on Hyeongjun’s lips just in time for him to swallow it back. He nodded stiffly, reaching to grab his phone again, using the blue-light to distract himself. “Fair enough.”
But the thought lingered, dragging with it a new image: Jooyeon settled beside Hyeongjun in Hoo’s studio. Screaming in the mic with a bass looped around his body.
Hyeongjun’s knuckles were white around his phone case, the reels on his social media blurring before his eyes.
It was a long time before Jooyeon spoke again, the lazy sound of him picking at his bass fluttering between them. “I think they’re brave.” When Hyeongjun didn’t immediately reply, Jooyeon clarified with a sigh, “Cheese. I think they’re brave. They’re standing up for what they believe while we’re just… sitting here.”
Hyeongjun couldn’t find the words to reply.
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
He didn’t mean to fall asleep with his notebook out in front of him. Xdinary Heroes had been working long days recently, and between that, Hyeongjun’s own sleep schedule had been almost nonexistent.
He woke suddenly, his eyelids still heavy and his limbs aching with a kind of weight he knew he wasn’t going to be able to shake anytime soon.
Hyeongjun blamed the exhaustion for not immediately registering the person in front of him. He blinked, rubbing at his eyes for a moment before he heard the shuffle of feet and the sound of a page turning.
His eyes snapped open properly, met with Seungmin’s own sharp gaze. He stared up from Hyeongjun’s notebook, his fingers still splayed out across the hard cover from where had picked it up to read.
“You and Gunil-hyung aren’t very careful,” he said, closing the notebook with a snap and sliding it back across the dining table towards Hyeongjun. “I’ve had my suspicions for a while.”
The notebook was painted like a field, the sky a messy array of blues and blacks and littered with a splattering of silver stars and an awkward crescent moon. Hyeongjun had decorated it himself a few years ago. He remembered that day like it was yesterday.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep like this,” he said quietly. “You weren’t home.”
“And now I am,” Seungmin replied. He turned towards the kitchen, reaching for a glass and filling it with water. The sound of the tap cut through the silence. “How long until you and Gunil-hyung were planning on telling us? Or were you just going to keep it secret forever?”
Hyeongjun squirmed in his seat, his eyes flickering over to meet Seungmin’s. The synth player had settled against the bench, sipping at his water. “We never planned on saying anything.”
Seungmin hummed. “I thought so. You do know that’s not fair on any of us, right? If this gets out, it will take all of us down too, not just the two of you. You do know that?”
“We… considered it, yes,” Hyeongjun sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose, sitting forward and resting his elbows on the table in front of him. “We’re careful though. Me, Gunil-hyung, and Minhoo.”
“Minhoo?” Seungmin frowned. “Who is Minhoo?”
“He’s one of hyung’s friends,” Hyeongjun explained. “He’s the one who mixes our stuff. He does the music videos too. He’s incredibly talented.”
Seungmin was quiet for a while, just taking everything in. Just as he finally opened his mouth to reply, one of the doors down the hallway opened with a click. Gunil emerged from his room, smiling easily at his two flatmates, completely unaware of the conversation he was interrupting.
“Seungmin knows,” Hyeongjun said first, stopping the drummer in his tracks.
Gunil blinked, turning stiffly to stare over at the synth player. He didn’t need any more clarification, his expression already closing off. “I see,” he said slowly.
“I’ve wondered for a while,” Seungmin explained, “but I didn’t know for sure until I saw Hyeongjun’s notebook open on the table. The lyrics looked very ‘Cheese’-coded. Nothing like what we would release.”
Gunil pushed his hands into his pockets, his shoulders slumping slightly. “Please don’t tell anyone. Especially not the company.”
“Espically not Jooyeon,” Hyeongjun added absentmindedly. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if Jooyeon knew. Would he treat them differently? Would he ask to join the band?
Seungmin sighed, loud and long. “I won’t, but the two of you need to hide it better. It’s so obvious. You both go so quiet when Cheese is mentioned, and you both keep disappearing on our off days with no explanation. Learn to lie better or else I won’t be the only one to figure it out.”
He finished his water, placing the cup down beside the sink. Then he pushed off the counter, making his way around them towards the hallway and disappearing into his bedroom without another word.
“I didn’t mean to leave my notebook out like that,” Hyeongjun said.
“It’s okay.” Gunil exhaled slowly. “I know.”
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
As expected, ‘Rework’ lost Cheese a lot of fans, particularly Korean ones. It spiked their popularity overseas, but in their own country, people began to turn on them.
Jooyeon was in tears when he walked into the practice room that day, shoulders shaking silently and eyes puffy red. Hyeongjun had to force himself to look up from his guitar. He already knew why the bassist was crying.
“Oh, Jooyeonie!” Jungsu cried, side stepping his keyboard and pulling the maknae into his arms. “What happened? Are you alright?”
“He’s gay.” For a long time, that was all Jooyeon could get out, sniffling and stuttering over the words as they forced their way past his lips.
Jungsu stroked a hand through his hair, sharing a worried look with the rest of the room. “Who’s gay, Joo? What are you talking about?”
“T-the singer o-of Cheese,” Jooyeon spluttered finally. He sniffled loudly, taking a tissue gratefully as Jiseok offered him the box. “Their new song came out this morning and it’s about the singer’s experience being gay. The comments are kind of hideous and I’ve seen a lot of backlash online.
“Fuck, he’s really strong to say that. It’s…” Jooyeon wiped his eyes on his sleeve, blowing his noise noisily. “I’m proud to be a fan, I really am. Especially as someone who’s also queer, I’m incredibly proud.”
‘Rework’ lost Cheese a lot of fans, but for Lee Jooyeon, it only made his dedication to them stronger.
····
“Hyeongjun, have you ever had a crush on a girl before?” Jiseok asked much too casually.
Most people in Hyeongjun’s position would probably lie or deflect, doing whatever they could to take the attention off themselves. But Hyeongjun wasn’t like that. He didn’t want to avoid the question.
He wanted to be honest. He had only been at JYP Entertainment for a few months and only in the band before him for a few weeks, but he had already made up his mind; if his bandmates didn’t accept him as himself, what the fuck was he even doing here?
“No,” Hyeongjun replied, poking at his food with his chopsticks. It was a Wednesday night and the six of them were all in the dorm eating take-aways. “I don’t really like girls much. I did like this guy back in high school though.” He kept his eyes downcast, tracking the movements of his fried rice.
There was a kind of pause that ran through the room, the almost tangible silence of a group of cishet men trying to work out how to react to finding out their friend is gay.
It was Jungsu who broke the silence first, clearing his throat awkwardly and asking, “what was his name?”
Hyeongjun blinked, the question taking him by surprise. “Kitae. We had science and calculus together.”
“Wait,” Jooyeon cut in, his voice much too loud for the awkward softness that had settled across the room. “Wait, wait, wait! You’re gay?”
Hyeongjun winced slightly. “I am, yes.” He glanced up, eyes narrowed. “Is that a problem?”
Jooyeon looked surprised for a moment, before a wide smile broke out across his lips. He laughed, the sound all squeaky and beautiful annoying. “No, no, of course not! I’m actually glad. I’m no longer the only queer one here.”
The statement caught Hyeongjun off guard. He wasn’t sure how to reply. He had planned what to do in every situation except this. His words escaped him.
“I’m bisexual,” Jooyeon continued, oblivious to Hyeongjun’s hesitation. “I’ve known since I was, like, fourteen? Guys and girls are both hot. Why do I have to choose? Anyway, it’s nice to have some non-hetero company around the dorm. Seriously, these guys are useless when it comes to talking about boys. It sucks!”
“Hey,” Jiseok warned, a playful lilt to his voice. “We’re not that bad!”
Hyeongjun remembers the way Jooyeon threw his head back laughing, his hair falling around his shoulders and his mouth wide. He remembers how beautiful Jooyeon looked then, and he remembers thinking about how fighting the pleasant buzz already settling in his stomach was a losing battle.
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
Seungmin found Hyeongjun in the kitchen that evening. He was staring at the wall, a rapidly cooling cup of coffee in his hands. Seungmin eyes his curiously, side stepping him to get to the fridge. “Y’know, coffee isn’t a good idea so late in the evening.”
Hyeongjun didn’t say anything, raising the drink to his lips and sipping at it defiantly.
Closing the fridge, Seungmin settled back against the counter beside the guitarist. He had grabbed a small pack of juice which he shook quickly. Then he pulled off the straw and stuck it into the hole at the top. “I listened to Rework,” he said after taking a sip.
“Oh.” Hyeongjun startled, turning to blink owlishly at him. “You did?”
The synth player nodded. “It was… really well written. You’ve always been good with lyrics. I can see why Jooyeon cried so much too. It was really exposing, and I mean that in a good way,” Seungmin added quickly.
“I kept wondering if we should even post it,” Hyeongjun admitted softly. “We all knew it was going to get hate, but honestly, I know somewhere out there, a closeted kid is listening to it and finding comfort. Finding hope in the fact that they aren’t alone. I realised that that’s so much more important to me than a few homophobes hurt feelings.”
“I was quite cold about it all when I found out, but that’s because I was worried,” Seungmin said. “I want to tell you I really do appreciate the music you and Gunil-hyung are making. It means a lot to so many people. I want the two of you to be careful both for the sake of Xdinary Heroes, but also for Cheese’s fans too. I think… the world really fucking needs Cheese right now.”
Hyeongjun’s lips pulled up into a small smile. “I think so too.”
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
While his bed was beyond comfortable, Hyeongjun still didn’t feel like he was any closer to sleep. With a sigh, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, reaching for his phone on the bedside table.
He winced as the blue-light flooded the room, overwhelming him for a moment before he managed to open the setting and turn it down. He opened his contacts next, calling the same person he always did after a release.
“Hey Jun.” Despite the time, Hoo answered almost immediately. “Same as always?”
“Of course,” Hyeongjun replied, letting his eyes slip closed and his head rest back against the wall behind him. “Lay it on me.”
Hoo let out a strangled sound. “It’s… not the prettiest comment section I’ve ever seen. The video already has almost fourteen million views though, so that’s pretty cool. It’s really booming, especially in western countries as we anticipated.”
“That’s really good to hear. Hey, uh, I have a few new pages of lyrics already. Are you free next week at all to meet and discuss? I’ll ask Gunil-hyung tomorrow as well.” The subject change was obvious, but Hoo didn’t seem to mind.
He hummed easily, the sound just slightly exhausted. “I’ll check my calendar and get back to you, how’s that? Right now, you should try and get some rest. I know you, you’re overthinking. It’s 2am. Close your eyes and just try to relax, alright?”
“Okay, thank you Hoo. I’ll try,” Hyeongjun replied, ending the call and staring blankly up at his ceiling.
His head was buzzing, so full that even the idea of sleep felt impossible. He let his thoughts wander, letting them trail back until he landed yet again on the one memory he could never quite shake.
····
Hyeongjun was sitting outside on the grass, staring up at the stars. The six of them were staying in a small homestead for filming, the crew having long retired to the nearby cabins.
Jooyeon brushed off his pants as he stepped outside, the sliding door moving with a distinct squeak. He crossed the small grassy patch to drop down by Hyeongjun’s side, collapsing onto the ground with a huff.
“You should be sleeping. We have a shoot tomorrow,” Hyeongjun said softly.
“I could say the same to you,” Jooyeon replied. He leant over, nudging the guitarist with his elbow. “What’s going on in your head? You look restless.”
“Oh, I’m just… thinking,” Hyeongjun mumbled.
Jooyeon hummed, prompting him further. “About?”
“I don’t know. How we got here?” Hyeongjun reached up a hand, brushing a few strands of hair out of his eyes. His hair was starting to get longer, something he was quietly excited about.
“Like, how we got to the homestead in the van,” Jooyeon clarified, “or how we got to where we are as a band?”
Hyeongjun shoved his shoulder lightly. “The band, obviously. Idiot.”
Jooyeon pressed a hand over his chest, feigning offense. “Wow, I see how it is! I come to keep you company, only to be met with cruel remarks and abuse. Alright, I know when I’m not wanted.”
He made to stand up, but Hyeongjun’s hand closed around his arm, keeping him in place. Hyeongjun had moved without really meaning to, surprising himself as his mouth formed around the words, “stay? Please?”
Jooyeon’s eyes turned soft as he settled back into place on the grass. “Of course, Jun.” He pulled the guitarist’s hand from his arm, interlocking their fingers and letting their palms press together in his lap.
Hyeongjun’s heart hammered in his chest so loudly he wondered briefly if Jooyeon could hear it.
····
That memory had been years ago now, well before Cheese and the constant anger that had settled deep inside Hyeongjun’s chest.
That had also been the night Hyeongjun had realised that he was in love…
Without thinking too much, Hyeongjun opened his messages with Jooyeon. His fingers hesitated over the keys, his mind struggling to string his words together through its dreariness. Finally, he settled on something simple.
Hyeongjun: are you still awake?
Jooyeon: just finished a lol round with kai a few minutes ago! he went to bed though :/
Jooyeon: why? you want company?
Hyeongjun: maybe
Jooyeon: ill come to your room. hows that?
Hyeongjun: yeah. that sounds good
Jooyeon: ill be there in a minute. open the door for me~
Hyeongjun dragged himself up, sliding his feet into his slippers and rubbing his palms over his eyes. Before leaving his room, Hyeongjun paused to check his reflection in the mirror. His hair looked good enough, only a few strands sticking up at funny angles. He patted them down quickly, making his way through the dorm.
Jooyeon was already at the front door when Hyeongjun opened it, dressed casually in a t-shirt and a pair of baggy pants. He was hopping from foot to foot, smiling widely as he skipped past Hyeongjun and into the dorm. He had way too much energy for so late at night.
He dropped much too easily backwards onto Hyeongjun’s bed, throwing his limbs out until he looked like a starfish. He raised his head, his smile softening as he watched Hyeongjun stop stiffly in the doorway.
Jooyeon shifted up into a sitting position, resting his back against the wall and patting the bed beside him. “Come sit. You look like you’re thinking too much.”
Hyeongjun sighed, shuffling across the room and settling down onto the duvet beside the bassist. He did his best to avoid eye contact, staring out across his bedroom. Suddenly, he found himself hyper aware of every single loose item scattered across his floor and desk. There weren’t many, and certainly less than Jooyeon’s own room, but it was still enough to make him cringe inwardly.
“What’s going on?” Jooyeon asked. He reached over easily, looping their fingers together and pulling the hand into his lap. Hyeongjun’s mind flashed with memories. “What are you thinking about?”
Words escaped Hyeongjun for a moment, his jaw working. What was he even supposed to say? “I don’t know.” He swallowed thickly, letting the sentence sit in the air between them for a moment. Hyeongjun cleared his throat. “I, uh, well I listened to Rework. The lyrics are so… Yeah.”
“Fuck, I know right?” Jooyeon let out a breathy laugh. “That song really is something else entirely. It’s both so beautiful and so… sad. I love queer art, especially queer music. There’s just something so comforting about it. I didn’t even know Cheese’s singer was gay. Is it stupid to say that makes me relate to him even more?”
Hyeongjun blinked in surprise. “You relate to him? How do you relate to him?”
“It’s hard to explain, I suppose. I think I relate to him in a more general way. His lyrics feel so,” Jooyeon paused, trying to find the right word, “familiar. Like something I can rely on, y’know?
“As a songwriter myself, I respect his craft a lot. It might sound stupid, but I can tell he writes the lyrics himself. I suppose the drummer probably helps too, but the way the singer sings the lyrics. It’s inspiring. He knows them back to front, inside and out. He embodies his words and believes every syllable,” he said, his eyes absolutely sparkling.
Hyeongjun was entranced, caught off guard at just how beautiful Jooyeon looked in the lowlight. His hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, a few rogue strands hanging around his face and trickling down his neck. His lips pulled up at the corners, a breathless laugh slipping out into the quietness around them.
“Maybe I don’t relate to him actually,” Jooyeon decided after a moment. “Maybe I just have a crush on him. I don’t know what he looks like, but I know I believe the same things as him. And I know the way he moves is fucking hot,” he added with a chuckle. He tilted his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at Hyeongjun. “And what about you? What do you think of him?”
“Me?” Hyeongjun echoed, his head spinning with how much blood rushed to his cheeks. “Oh, uh, I think he’s pretty cool, I guess.”
“You’re blushing,” Jooyeon commented, a playful lilt colouring his words. “I can see it even through the dark. You’re nervous. Do you have a crush on him too?”
Hyeongjun choked on the accusation. “No! No, no, I don’t. I actually-” like you… The words died on his tongue.
“Actually what?” Jooyeon pushed, leaning in ever so slightly.
How had going behind the company’s back to form a secret political metal band with Gunil been easier than a regular conversation with his crush? Hyeongjun felt sick. Rework had been a piece of his soul stripped bare and placed on trial for the entire world to see. And now he was scared to admit he thought Lee Jooyeon was pretty?
Hyeongjun shifted so he was facing away, pressing his lips closed and wishing the ground would open up and swallow him.
Jooyeon settled back against the wall, his tone taking a softer note. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to tease you. I actually think it’s cute.” Hyeongjun froze, his shoulders tensing. “You’re cute. I, uh, what I’m trying to say is, I like you Han Hyeongjun.”
Jooyeon’s palm was warm against his own. For a moment, that was all he could focus on. Hyeongjun’s vision swam as he turned back, blinking owlishly at the bassist before him.
To his credit, Jooyeon actually did look nervous, his lips twitching as he tried his best to remain calm. “And I think you might like me too? Well, I hope you do. I’ve been… noticing some things for a while now, but I might just be hoping too hard.”
“I-I do…” Hyeongjun spluttered. “I, uh, do like you. A lot actually…”
Jooyeon’s cheeks burned, a smile pulling widely at his features. “Really?” He lit up like it was the best news he had heard in a long time.
Instead of answering, Hyeongjun forced himself to lean forwards, pressing his lips against Jooyeon’s. It wasn’t much of a kiss, both of them breaking apart a few seconds later, nervous giggles bubbling up between them. Still, it made Hyeongjun’s heart ache with how fast it was beating. He resisted the urge to touch his lips, to see if that tingle was really there. To make sure he really had just kissed the love of his life.
“Uhm,” Jooyeon started anxiously, squeezing at their joined hands. “Would you want to, maybe, get dinner some time? Or lunch, or coffee, or really anything. We don’t even have to eat, we could, like, watch a movie. I don’t know. But, uh, do you want to go out sometime and do something with the purpose of it being…”
“A date,” Hyeongjun finished. His head spun as he processed the words. “I would love that. Really, I would. I’ve wanted it for a while honestly.”
Jooyeon blew out a puff of air. “Then I’ll plan something, okay? Leave it all up to me. I’ll make sure it’s perfect.”
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
The date was an absolute disaster.
The movie Jooyeon rented wouldn’t play due to a payment error and the food he cooked was all burnt and inedible. He tried to light candles but he dropped one of the matches and Hyeongjun almost had a heart attack. Thankfully, Jooyeon also knocked over a glass of water and put the fire out as soon as it started.
The whole thing was a domino effect of misfortune, one that, by the end of the night, had Jooyeon sitting on the floor of the kitchen with his head in his hands.
“Just go,” he mumbled as Hyeongjun sat beside him. “I messed this all up. Just go back to yours and pretend none of this ever happened.”
Hyeongjun’s lips pulled up into a small smile. He slipped his arm around Jooyeon’s shoulders, guiding him sideways until his side was pressed against Hyeongjun’s chest. “I’m not going anywhere.”
The bassist looked up in surprise, his eyes red and his lower lip jutting out. “Why not? I completely fucked everything up.”
Hyeongjun almost wanted to laugh. “The food burnt and you almost set the whole building on fire. So what?” he asked with a shrug. “I don’t want to go anywhere, so why are you acting like I suddenly hate you? Do you really think one evening is going to take away from the years I’ve known you?”
A fresh wave of tears welled up in Jooyeon’s eyes. “I really, really like you,” he whined, throwing his arms around Hyeongjun and pulling him closer.
Their lips slotted together and all Hyeongjun could taste was the salt of Jooyeon’s tears. He found himself automatically relaxing, letting his fingers pull at the bassist, trying to get him impossibly closer.
His mind wandered, trailing back to the one song that had caused all of this. Rework echoed through his head, and rather suddenly Hyeongjun felt a new wave of inspiration washing over him.
Jooyeon thought he had failed. He thought the mistakes he had made would have driven Hyeongjun away forever. Were humans suddenly not allowed to make mistakes? Nothing has to go to plan, and sometimes if you just let yourself go with the flow, then something even better might come your way.
Jooyeon had been so caught up with the way he had failed that he hadn’t processed any of his successes. He hadn’t processed how they had ordered take-aways, something easy they both loved. He hadn’t processed how, when the movie wouldn’t work, they had sat on the couch and chatted instead, making jokes and laughing happily.
He hadn’t processed how lovely the night had been for Hyeongjun. And even now, as their lips moved together and their hands found each other easily, Jooyeon genuinely seemed shocked.
Hyeongjun pulled away to catch his breath, pressing their foreheads together as fresh air flooded his lungs. A giggle bubbled up inside of his lungs, forcing its way out into the space between them. “This has been the best date I’ve ever been on.”
Jooyeon pouted. “It’s the only date you’ve ever been on.”
“That doesn’t make my statement untrustworthy. I enjoyed myself a lot. It wasn’t perfect, but does that really matter?” Hyeongjun pressed his palms to Jooyeon’s cheeks, dipping forward to brush their lips together once more.
“I like this, whatever the hell just happened,” Hyeongjun continued. “You see failure, I see success. So, yes Lee Jooyeon, I want to see you again. I want to do this all again, just maybe with a bit less fire risk. I, well, I love you. I don’t know if this is the right time to say it, but it’s the truth. I love you. I have for a while now.”
“Really?” Jooyeon asked hopefully, his eyes shining as tears welled up and spilled down over his cheeks. “I love you too. That’s why everything had to be perfect…”
“Nothing ‘has’ to be perfect,” Hyeongjun countered. “And whose to say this isn’t perfect? Society and its unnecessary standards can kindly fuck off. I enjoyed this. Isn’t that what matters?”
“I suppose it is.” Jooyeon laughed wetly, sniffling loudly. “That was very ‘Cheese’ of you to say.”
Hyeongjun swallowed thickly, using his thumbs to wipe at Jooyeon’s cheeks, doing his best to get rid of the tear tracks. “Did you like it?”
“I did,” Jooyeon decided softly. “I think I like anything you do.”
The statement brought a flurry of butterflies to Hyeongjun’s stomach, a feeling of euphoria washing through his veins. “This date made me happy. What else matters? I’d rather die than live in a world where I can’t find happiness.”
“How profound,” Jooyeon giggled, pulling Hyeongjun closer and slotting their lips back together.