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Loving Evan Buckley was both the easiest and hardest thing Eddie Diaz had ever done. It truly is like they say, that falling in love happens slowly then all at once. He doesn’t know when exactly it happened, just that one day he looked at Buck and suddenly knew. Knew that he was absolutely head over heels in love with his best friend.
Now there were a few problems with this realization. Number one being the fact that Eddie was straight and Buck was definitely a man. Number two being the fact that Buck was also straight. The third problem was that there was no way Eddie could just avoid him, it was Buck.
They were always together; they worked together, they hung out together, hell, they basically raised a kid together. So trying to avoid Buck to get over his feelings was pretty much impossible. Eddie would just have to learn to push it down and get over it.
Which is exactly what he did, he pushed it down and tried desperately to forget all about it. But then he got shot and all he could see in what he thought were his final moments was Buck. It was Buck who got him to safety and kept him alive. Buck who he put into his will to raise his kid because he trusted him more than anyone. The feelings surfaced again when Buck was struck by lightning, hanging lifeless in the air. Those three minutes and seventeen seconds were the longest of Eddie’s life. The whole time he waited in the hospital he went over the words in head: I love you. You can’t die. I love you. I need you. I love you. I can’t do this again. I love you…
But when Buck woke up and everything was fine Eddie couldn’t bring himself to do it, to actually confess his love and risk everything they had.
Eddie really had to fight his instincts when Buck came out to him. He wanted to kiss him right then and there but knew better; it would be too much. Then Buck had Tommy and Eddie tried really hard to be supportive. Even when Buck would visibly shut down when Tommy was around, Eddie kept his mouth shut. And when Tommy broke Buck’s heart for no apparent reason Eddie seethed but he comforted Buck nonetheless.
You would think moving to El Paso would make suppressing his feelings easier; but then again they do say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Every time Eddie’s parents made him feel like he wasn’t enough, Buck was on the other end of the phone to ease his worries. Whenever they would hang up from a much needed facetime call Eddie would sit and think about how much better it would be if Buck was in Texas with him. Maybe Buck could stand up to Eddie’s parents in a way that Eddie never could.
Then the call came. Eddie didn’t even believe it at first, that Bobby was actually gone. Even with all of his own grief, on the plane ride all he could think of is how much Buck was hurting. All of Eddie’s being longed to be held in Buck’s arms during the aftermath. He cried and mourned alone on his couch all while Buck was just down the hall. It infuriated him being so close yet so far.
Buck was pushing him away and Eddie hated it. He desperately wanted to help but Eddie had never been the best at expressing his emotions. So they fought like they always do, and Eddie said things he didn’t exactly mean but so did Buck. Bringing Chris to California was his Hail Mary on getting Buck to forgive him.
After deciding to stay in L.A. Eddie thought that maybe he could have it all. Him and Buck under the same roof and his son back home? Nothing could be better. Then Buck said he was going to move out and find a new place. That was almost a week ago and Buck hadn’t shut up about it.
He kept sending Eddie listings for new apartments and asking for his opinion. Eddie didn’t know how to say he hated all of them because they weren’t his house. Buck had even gone to Ravi for advice on looking at properties. Because Buck never went into things at anything less than 100%.
So now they were sat on Eddie’s couch using Eddie’s ipad to pull up new listings and discussing which were the best.
“Well this one allows dogs and the one you liked doesn’t.”
“Buck you don’t even have a dog.”
“But I could get one.”, Buck justified.
“Why would you get a dog? You don’t have time for one. Haven’t we been through this before?”
Buck sighed and rolled his eyes, “Well I’m going to need something to keep me company.”
There was an underlying sadness to Buck’s expression. One that Eddie had noticed more and more since the funeral. They hadn’t talked about the whole situation very much since then. Both of them just silently agreeing to never speak of it. Sure the whole dynamic at the 118 was thrown off but they didn’t need to dwell on it at home. Eddie never mentioned the way Buck would cry out in the middle of the night now, much like after the sniper. He would just silently make his way to the bedroom and sit on the edge of Buck’s bed and run his fingers through the other man’s hair until he would quiet down. Eddie had no idea if Buck was aware of this or not but opted to not mention it to save himself from sounding creepy or embarrassing Buck.
Eddie wanted to tell Buck if he needed company he could just stay with them. In Eddie’s house, together, with their kid. It would all be so much easier. Well easier on Eddie. Buck seems more than happy to leave. They’ve shared countless hours researching different apartments and houses in the area for him. Eddie has tried desperately to try to find a reason why each of them are bad in some way. But it’s hard when Buck has great taste in architecture and an insanely specific list of requirements meaning each choice is a great fit for him.
Currently Buck is stuck on a small house in a little neighborhood not far from Eddie’s. It’s three bedrooms, a nice spacious kitchen, and a ton of natural light; it practically screams Buck. And Eddie has done everything to convince him otherwise. First he claimed that the three bedrooms was way too much space for Buck; which of course Buck countered with great reasoning. He claimed he needed his own room (obviously), a guest room and a room for Christopher to stay in. Which only made Eddie’s heart grow fonder.
So now Eddie is having to try to convince Buck to apply for an apartment that Eddie actually hates but it’s not the perfect house that Buck found.
“I don’t know why you hate this house so much. It’s literally perfect.”
Eddie really didn’t have an argument, other than he didn’t want Buck to leave. But he would have to get over it eventually.
“It is actually pretty nice. I think you should go for it.”
“Really!?”, Buck’s eyes light up and his smile is so wide that it makes Eddie smile in return. As if Buck needed Eddie’s approval to choose a home.
“Yeah, of course.”, it only hurts Eddie’s chest a little bit, “Plus the sooner you move out the sooner I get my bedroom back.”
Eddie’s attempt to lighten the mood only makes Buck laugh a small bit.
“I told you, you could take your room back.”
“I wasn’t going to kick you out of your room.”
“Your room.”
Eddie just rolls his eyes. They’ve had this argument a hundred times in the last month. It always ends with Buck conceding and eventually agreeing to stay in the bedroom. Once again Buck just drops it and goes back to looking at the house. Eddie can’t find it in him to just sit and watch Buck plan on leaving; so he gets up desperate for a distraction.
He busies himself in the kitchen for a bit, finishing up some dishes from earlier. He tries not to let the feeling of dread fill his body. It’s stupid and selfish and he knows it. Buck deserves to move out and have his own life separate from Eddie. A life with a partner that he could settle down and get a dog with, maybe get married and become a father. Buck deserved that life.
His thoughts are interrupted however by a hand on his shoulder. Buck’s now next to him, phone in one hand the other still grasping Eddie’s shoulder lightly. It all seems too domestic in Eddie’s eyes to be merely platonic but, this is the eternal purgatory he lives in. Close enough to Buck to feel his warmth and affection but still too far away to reach out and grab on to it. Nevertheless he enjoys Buck’s touch.
“Ravi wants to know if we’re still coming tonight.”
Oh right, that. This is a thing they do now, as a way to make sure everyone is good. They all go out, Ravi, Hen, Chimney, Buck and himself, together to some bar or restaurant to just be together. It started out a little rough, everyone sitting awkwardly around a booth at the bar sipping their glasses alone but together. As time goes on it gets a little easier, the empty space at the booth feels less and less empty.
Now that they have a free 48 off Ravi has declared that it was time to do it again. And of course Eddie agreed to go, he always did, especially with how excited Buck always got about it.
Which brings him back to now, Buck’s goofy grin and his hand on Eddie’s shoulder still.
“Oh, of course, I mean if you still want.”
“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun. We can leave early though.”
Buck smiles at him fondly, hand still on his shoulder unwavering. Eddie loses himself for a moment, focusing on the blue of Buck’s eyes, the pink of his cheeks, the plumpness of his perfect lips. God, Eddie wishes he could kiss him without repercussions. Without having to deal with the inevitable fallout of it all. Trying to explain to Buck the way Eddie feels sounds like an absolute nightmare. Mainly because Eddie doesn’t quite understand it all himself. He’s not sure that ‘gay’ is the right term for him but he definitely knows he is in love with Buck.
Buck, who still has his hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah, definitely. You gonna go get ready?”
The hand finally releases Eddie’s shoulder and he immediately mourns the loss.
“Probably, I have to fix my hair and everything still.”
Eddie glances up at Buck’s supposedly messy hair, it looks perfect as always.
“You’re ridiculous.”, Eddie can’t help the smile that reaches his eyes as he watches Buck blush.
“I’m serious! What if I meet someone at the bar?”, Buck laughs and nudges Eddie a bit.
And oh, that hurts. It’s not like Buck is cheating or anything, they’re not together. It’s just that ever since Eddie came back from Texas Buck hasn’t been on a single date; which in turn makes it easy for Eddie to blissfully ignore the fact that they aren’t actually together. But it’s fine, everything’s fine, Eddie can still joke around with his best friend.
“Oh yeah? And where are you going to take them back to, our shared house?”
Buck just rolls his eyes and huffs childishly, “Well I guess I’ll just have to put a sock on the door.”
Buck winks at him as Eddie fake gags pushing him away, “Ew, gross, go get ready and stop talking about sleeping with people in my bedroom.”
It’s supposed to be a joke, Eddie even laughs a little as he says it but Buck looks at Eddie like he’s seen a ghost. Almost as soon as the look’s there however, Buck is clearing his throat and shaking it off; a new look of guilt and embarrassment wash over him instead.
“Ha-ha, yeah, um, I’m gonna go…”, he motions behind him, backing up awkwardly in the small kitchen before turning around lightning fast to leave.
Whatever that was Eddie doesn’t have time for it because he has to focus on mentally preparing for a night out. He really hopes Buck meant it when he said they could leave early.
~
At the bar Eddie lets his mind wander aimlessly. The bar itself is nothing special, it’s the same old place they always go. Him and Buck sit next to each other in a corner booth while Ravi sits across from them. Buck and Ravi are deep into a conversation that Eddie isn’t even pretending to follow. Occasionally his eyes will scan the entrance looking for Hen or Chim to show up. Every few minutes Buck will bump his knee from under the table to try to get him to pay attention; but Eddie can’t find it in him to join in. Tonight he just wants to relax and hang out with his friends. The stress of Buck moving out and trying to figure out their new dynamic at work has drained him. So he will spend this time with his friends, laughing and getting drunk and not thinking about anything else.
He can’t help if his gaze continues to find Buck. Buck is just so animated when he talks he keeps grabbing Eddie’s attention, even if the words he’s saying completely bypass Eddie’s ears. The low bar light doesn’t hinder Buck’s beauty in any way. Somehow he still looks amazing, his cheeks are flushed from the alcohol and his eyes are bright with excitement from whatever he’s ranting about. Eddie knows he’s staring but he refuses to give up the view, even if Ravi is watching him curiously. Worse case scenario he can blame it on the alcohol (even if he is only two-thirds the way through his first beer). He is snapped out of his trance, however, by Hen making Ravi move so that she could sit in the middle. She scoots over towards Eddie and settles neatly in the middle of the booth.
“How’s it going everyone?”
“Good, Buck was just telling me about manta rays in extreme detail.”, Ravi chides playfully.
Buck blushes bashfully, “They’re just so cool.”
Eddie can’t help but smile at him fondly.
Hen eyes them both, “Mm-hmm.”
“And what were you doing Eddie?”, she eyes him curiously.
Before he can answer, Buck cuts in, “He was sleeping with his eyes open.”
“I was not.”
“You definitely were.”, Ravi interjects.
They all laugh as Eddie rolls his eyes. Eddie decides to actually join in on the conversation. For a while they carry on like that, in light conversation sipping their respective drinks. Chim joins them a few minutes later, sitting comfortably next to Ravi and flowing into the conversation effortlessly. It’s nice, all of them together just enjoying each other’s company.
All good things must come to an end of course and unfortunately this moment comes to quite an abrupt end. That’s all because of Ravi. Well, not Ravi specifically but Eddie is blaming him. Because about fifteen minutes into this beautiful night they were enjoying Eddie hears the familiar sound of a voice he hasn’t heard since the funeral. The voice of someone Eddie has no desire to deal with.
“Tommy! You made it!”, Ravi stands to greet him.
Eddie immediately looks to Buck, whose face is completely drained of color. He feels Buck shift closer to him in the booth; moving himself further away from Tommy. Ravi seems to be the only one excited by his presence, both Hen and Chim are watching Buck with great concern; and general dismay at the new company. The few extra drinks in Eddie’s system (and maybe some unbridled rage) make him bold.
“I didn’t know he was coming.”, he directs it at Ravi but he doesn’t miss the glare Tommy throws his way.
Ravi immediately looks like a kid caught doing something they shouldn’t. He immediately starts stuttering and looking between everyone at the table,
“Well…. I just thought….with everything, y’know… and then after last time with Buck.”
He gestures towards Buck, attempting to throw him into this whole situation.
Buck goes impossibly paler and his eyes go wide. He immediately looks to Eddie with a look Eddie could only describe at pleading. Everything about the way Buck is acting tells Eddie that Buck doesn’t want him to know about whatever ‘last time’ was. Which only makes Eddie want to know more.
“Last time?”, he asks Buck, completely ignoring the rest of the table.
Buck’s fearful paleness is immediately replaced by a deep blush, “We, uh, we ran into each other at a bar when you were in Texas.”
“We ran into each other?”, Tommy scoffs; which earns him a glare from both Eddie and Hen, who seems to also be less than enthused that he is here.
Buck looks even more guilty now than he did thirty seconds ago.
“Tommy.”, now it’s Buck’s turn to glare. Tommy just laughs him off, which pisses Eddie off.
“Whatever Evan, once again, this is not about you.”
The whole table is tense, everyone’s eyes focused on Buck and Tommy.
“Really?”, Buck’s embarrassment has been replaced by what Eddie can only assume is anger.
“Look, Ravi invited me out because he thought it would be nice for me to hang out with everyone because of what we all went through.”
And that truly irates Eddie.
“What we went through? He wasn’t your captain.”
“And you weren’t there.”, Tommy retorts, looking far too smug..
Eddie hates that Buck is between them for this.
“Oh fuck you!” Even if his snappiness is called for, it still startles him as it leaves his mouth. “You shouldn’t have been there.”
“But I was and you weren’t, so really why are you here?”
He hears Hen gasp and he can practically feel Chim grinding his teeth next to him. Ravi looks absolutely mortified at what’s unfolding.
“Are you kidding me? After everything you did before the accident? You can’t just use Bobby’s death to erase the fact that you were shitty to over half the people at this table; Buck more than anyone.” awww
Buck turns to Eddie, practically pleading him to shut up, which he doesn’t understand.
“Oh yes, because you get to decide who Buck gets to forgive. Which, by the way, before you ever came back I’d say me and Buck were on pretty good terms.”, Tommy has this knowing smirk on his face that makes Eddie want to throw up.
“We most definitely were not.”, Buck speaks up quietly.
“Oh, no?”, Tommy has an arrogance to his voice that makes Eddie’s skin crawl. Like he knows Buck better than Buck knows himself; better than Eddie knows Buck.
Buck stands, getting almost uncomfortably close to Tommy, his hand raised with an accusatory finger pointed at Tommy’s chest.
“Like I told you then, just because we slept together does not mean we are good and it definitely does not mean I still have feelings for you.”, Bucks voice is quiet, like it’s meant for Tommy only, but it is just as angry and firm.
Tommy throws his hands up in defense, “Woah there Evan, didn’t mean to strike a nerve. I forgot how sensitive you were about your feelings for me and Eddie.”
Eddie stands now, moving to stand behind Buck. He can see how tense Buck’s shoulders are, his hands in white knuckle fists at his side. Eddie places a hand on his shoulder to try to get him to relax; but for the first time ever Buck tenses under his touch.
“Tommy, I think you should leave.”
“Oh, you do? Imagine that.”, Tommy chuckles, rolling his eyes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Eddie, stop.”, Buck’s voice is quiet, clearly meant for only Eddie.
“Better keep a leash on him, Evan.”
Eddie doesn’t know what Tommy’s problem with him is today but, he is definitely not in the mood for it. He pushes past Buck now, standing almost chest to chest with Tommy.
“The fuck is your problem man? You broke up with him, not the other way around. We lost our captain not yours. And you and I have never had a problem before so I don’t understand what the issue is now.”
“I may have broken up with him but he’s the one who crawled back into bed with me! He’s the one who couldn’t get over you long enough to have an actual adult relationship.” Eddie is absolutely seething, his blood boiling under his skin. “And I know Bobby was your captain but once again I was the one risking my career to save him, not you!”
They’re even closer now, Tommy getting angrier and louder. Eddie’s very close to hitting him. The only reason he hasn’t is because there’s one part of Tommy’s outburst that Eddie can’t quite place. Well two actually. The first is Tommy suggesting that Buck has feelings for him that keep him from being with Tommy. And the second is the fact that Buck has never told Eddie about sleeping with Tommy after they broke up; which definitely seems intentional if it is true.
Evidently his confusion reads in his expression, the alcohol making his poker face falter, because Tommy just laughs.
“He didn’t tell you?”, the smug grin still present on his face.
“Tommy just stop, okay? We will leave. Is that what you want?”, Buck is pleading behind him.
“Well I wanted to come hang out and have a drink, but you apparently can’t stand it if everything doesn’t revolve around you. So now I want to let Eddie in on your dirty little secret.”
The anger Eddie’s feeling is only accompanied with confusion (and maybe a bit of disgust at the way Tommy keeps looking at Buck) as Tommy keeps talking. Why is he so obsessed with Eddie knowing they slept together? Can he tell that Eddie has feelings for him? Or is he just so obsessed with treating Buck like trash he has to embarrass him in front of his friends?
“You know what? Both of you, outside now!”, Buck grabs Eddie by the arm and leads him towards the door. Tommy follows, dragging his feet as he goes. It seems that neither one of them can deny Evan Buckley anything.
Outside of the bar the crowd is thin, just a few people smoking on the corner and some people waiting for rides.
Buck still acts as a buffer between them, his face laced with embarrassment and irritation. Tommy still has a disgusting smug look on his face.
“What? You don’t want everyone else in there to know you slept with me? I think we’re way past that Evan.”
“No, I don’t care about that, I just don’t want to start all of this again in front of everyone. Especially since it involves Eddie.”
Tommy scoffs, “And you tried to tell me there was nothing there.”
Eddie is just standing dumbfounded watching the two of them argue back and forth.
“What exactly involves me?”, he’s asking Buck but evidently Tommy feels the need to interject.
“Oh this should be fun.”, he folds his arms and leans back against the building wall.
Buck looks absolutely miserable in this moment, his hands are fidgeting and his face is flushed.
“When you were in Texas Tommy and I hung out…”
“Okay? I mean I don’t think that was a great idea but I still don’t see how that involves me?”
Once again Tommy has to have his fucking moment, “You don’t think we should hang out? I’m wounded Eddie, I thought we were friends.”
They haven’t been friends since Tommy started dating Buck. At first it was just unbridled jealousy; but then Tommy refused to call Buck anything but Evan and Eddie started to see just what kind of man he was. He then got to hear all about how Tommy acted towards Hen and Chim during his time at the 118. Then he broke Buck’s heart for no reason. And then most recently was the entirety of the lab incident and everything that entailed. So, no, they were not friends.
“Just not a huge fan of the idea.”
“I think it was a great idea, never realized how nice your house was Eddie.”
Buck’s eyes go wide and he makes a strangled noise. He’s looking at Eddie with fear in his eyes and the pieces start falling into place in Eddie’s head.
His blood is practically boiling now and like usual Eddie’s anger gets wrongfully directed at Buck.
“You slept with him in my house?”, Buck flinches at the sudden yelling.
“It wasn’t like that.”, Buck tries to explain himself but Eddie isn’t listening. He’s watching Tommy leaned up against the wall watching the chaos he created.
“Guess you missed a lot while you were playing house in Texas, Diaz.”, he chuckles nonchalantly, clearly not remembering that Eddie used to be a pretty good fighter.
Before Buck can even try to do damage control Eddie is crossing the short distance between him and Tommy. He catches him with a solid left hook square to the jaw. Tommy goes with it easily, losing his footing a bit and stumbling. Eddie hears Buck yell his name from behind him but the white hot rage Eddie feels drowns it out. There’s blood trickling out of Tommy’s mouth once he regains his footing.
“What the fuck!”, he’s cradling his jaw now.
“You were fucking asking for it.”
Tommy spits blood onto the curb and balls his fist up at his sides. Eddie can see how his shoulders square and his jaw tenses. He’s able to dodge Tommy’s first swing but the second one comes only a fraction of second later and catches Eddie on his cheekbone. It stings but Eddie hasn’t felt this intoxicating rush of adrenaline in far too long. He only manages to get in a few body shots before Buck is pulling him away. Eddie fights him for second but Buck is ultimately bigger and stronger, plus Eddie is never anything but pliant under Buck’s touch.
Eddie doesn’t even register that he’s being sat down on the curb until he hears Buck talking behind him. He feels a wetness dripping down his cheek, he brings his hand up to touch it and winces at the sting. When he pulls his hand back he sees bright red sticky blood coating his fingers. Apparently Tommy hit him harder than he thought.
The next thing he knows he’s being hulled to his feet and dragged in the direction of the parking lot. Buck is absolutely fuming next to him, his jaw set tight and the grip on Eddie’s arm unwavering. He’s only released once they reach the jeep, Buck climbing in starting the car immediately. They don’t talk the entire ride home. The car is filled with a tense silence, Buck doesn’t even turn on the radio; which is another cue to how pissed off he is.
As soon as the jeep is in park Buck is out of the car slamming the door behind him. Eddie’s grateful at least that they got Maddie to watch Christopher, Eddie would hate for him to have to hear the argument that was undoubtedly about to happen. Begrudgingly Eddie steps out of the car and makes his way to the front door. He takes a moment to gather himself, preparing for whatever awaits him on the other side of the door.
When he steps in Buck is pacing the living room, arms crossed. He moves quietly, so as to not disturb Buck further, setting his wallet and keys in the bowl by the door and slipping off his shoes. Now that overwhelming guilt has replaced the immense anger Eddie was feeling, the adrenaline is wearing off and the pain is setting in. His head is pounding and his ribs ache, not to mention the burning sensation of his split open cheekbone.
He holds his head in his hands a moment to try to stop the pounding. When he looks back up Buck is watching him with a pained expression.
“What the fuck was that Eddie?”, his voice is too kind for the current situation. He doesn’t sound mad, just worried. As if Eddie lashing out unreasonably is out of character for him.
“He was being a dick.”, Eddie’s reply is cold in contrast, his pride keeping him from accepting Buck’s softness.
He can’t look at Buck right now, if he does he might cry; or worse spill his guts and confess his love. Eddie moves to head towards the bathroom in search of the first aid kit; assuming Buck won’t follow him. He’s wrong of course, Buck is behind him in a moment. He leaning against the bathroom doorframe as Eddie crouches down to rummage through the cabinet under the sink. Neither of them speak again but Eddie can feel Buck’s eyes on him the whole time. As Eddie sets the first aid kit on the sink he finally sees the damage in the mirror. The cut on his cheekbone isn’t too deep but it’s bleeding quite a bit, the blood staining his cheek and jaw. His lip is busted too but he has no recollection of Tommy punching him in the mouth. He cautiously raises his shirt, there’s a large red mark on one side of his ribs, not yet a bruise but it definitely will be tomorrow. Buck’s eyes are following his motions in the mirror, even if he’s trying to stay mad he can’t hide the genuine concern in his eyes.
“Eddie, that looks bad.”
“It’s nothing. I’ve had worse.”, he tries to shrug him off again but Buck just moves closer behind him crowding him into the sink.
Buck reaches up and grabs Eddie by the shoulders turning him around towards him. Now that they’re face to face Buck studies the cuts on Eddie’s face. His hand comes up to cradle Eddie’s jaw, turning his head in his hands. Eddie can’t help the way it sends a shiver down his spine. Any time Buck touches him, which is a lot more often Eddie thinks is necessary, Eddie can’t help but lean into it.
Buck’s thumb brushes the cut up on his cheek, Eddie winces some at the sudden pain.
“He got you good.”, Buck’s face is still serious and worried.
“Don’t give him that much credit.”, he tries to joke but Buck immediately gives him a stern look.
“This isn’t funny Eddie. You’re lucky he won’t press charges.”
“He started it.”, he grumbles.
Buck is still inspecting his face carefully.
“Sit on the sink or something so I can clean you up.”
As always Eddie obliges quickly, moving the first aid kit so that he can sit up on the counter. Buck moves in between his legs, his hands resuming their position on his jaw. He reaches into the first aid kit fishing out a bunch of supplies that Buck sets atop Eddie’s thighs. Buck starts cleaning the cut with an alcohol wipe which makes Eddie wince slightly.
Buck shushes him lightly, “I know, I’m sorry.”
Buck’s rubbing a wet towel over his cheek to clean up the blood. A silence falls over them again but it’s less tense now. If anything the tension is solely coming from Eddie. Mostly because he can’t think normal, platonic, thoughts about Buck while he stands between his legs. And it’s hard to not look at Buck when he’s literally focusing on only his face. He tries to keep his eyes looking past Buck’s face but it's hard when Buck’s curls look perfect and he’s got his bottom lip between his teeth in concentration. He wants to kiss him.
That thought only worsens when Buck takes the towel to his lip. The skin there is sensitive and tender and Eddie can’t help but part his lips slightly to give Buck better access. He watches Buck closely, their faces too close for Eddie’s sanity. If this continues for any longer Eddie doesn’t know if he will be able to contain himself.
“Why did you let him get to you? You know he was just egging you on.”
Eddie doesn’t want to have this conversation. He doesn’t want to admit that it didn’t matter what Tommy said to him Eddie was still going to be mad at his presence. There’s no way he’s going to admit to Buck how jealous he is of Tommy. He’s not going to admit that hearing that they may have possibly slept together in Eddie’s own home makes him want to burn it down. But Buck is staring at him with those soft sad eyes and Eddie can’t help but cave.
“I can’t stand the guy Buck.”, it’s childish to admit.
“Eds.”, it’s almost condescending, “I thought you two were friends? I mean you guys were friends first.”
“We haven’t been friends since you two broke up.”
“That’s what he told me too.”
“Buck he broke your heart for no reason, of course I’m not friends with him.”
Buck gives him a sweet shy smile, his cheeks blushing beautifully.
“I haven’t seen you get that angry in a long time.”
“I know, it’s probably not a good look.”, Eddie admits sheepishly.
Buck goes back to cleaning up Eddie’s face, “Well I wouldn’t say that; he definitely had it coming.”
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to blush.
The next question that comes from Eddie’s mouth is one he really doesn’t want to know the answer to;
“Was what he said true? About you two sleeping together after you broke up?”
Buck backs away from slightly, the bloodstained rag still in his hands. He’s avoiding Eddie’s eyes now which tells Eddie everything he needs to know.
“Here? In my house?”, Eddie is trying very hard to stay calm.
“It wasn’t your house at the time.”
Oh Evan Buckley is going to be the death of him. He swears sometimes that Christopher got his smart mouth from Buck.
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
He starts fidgeting with the rag in his hands, ducking his head.
“I don’t know.”, Buck mumbles.
“We share everything with each other, you tell me everything about all of your other dates. Even when they were with Tommy. So why was this different?”
“Don’t do this.”
Eddie hops off the sink, his ribs ache in protest, he still gets up in Buck’s face.
“Do what?”, the longer this conversation goes on the angrier Eddie gets.
“Make us have this conversation.”
“What conversation, Buck?”, he knows he’s pushing but he’s tired of acting like he doesn’t feel this way about Buck.
“God, you’re impossible! Why do you do this? I’ve done my best to back off and keep you out of it. Just like I tried to keep you out of my problems when Bobby died. But you always have to push your way in. I have spent my whole life keeping my problems to myself, I don’t need you to force them out of me. It always just ends with us arguing.”
Buck is getting mad now, his face red and his brows furrowed. They’re nearly chest to chest in the small space of the bathroom.
“It’s a little too late to keep me out of things, Buck. When you keep things to yourself you spiral and become reckless! I’m not having you die in my arms, again!”
“This is not a life or death situation Eds!”
“You’re treating it like it is! If it was just a hookup why can’t you talk about it? Why is Tommy trying to start a fight in a bar over it?”
“Because it was about you!”
Eddie stops breathing. His mind actually shuts down completely for at least thirty seconds. For the second time today Buck looks absolutely mortified. It’s as if he wasn’t even aware of the words coming out of his own mouth.
“Buck… I’m going to need you to run that one by me again.”, he calms his tone down now in hopes that it eases Buck’s nerves.
“I…uh…Can I try again?”
Eddie makes a motion that he hopes says something along the lines of, ‘fucking please’
“The hookup itself wasn’t about you, obviously. I was drunk, and sad, he was there and familiar that’s all. It was the morning after when everything went wrong. I thought maybe me and him could try again and I thought he agreed. That is until he pretty much said we’d only work now because you weren’t around and he wouldn’t be in competition with you anymore. Then we got into a pretty heated argument about whether or not I was secretly in love with you. So that’s why it was about you, that’s why he’s angry at you.”
“Was he right?”, Eddie knows that even if Tommy was right Buck would never admit it. Especially since he had no reason to believe that his feelings would be reciprocated.
Buck’s eyes widen in shock as he takes a step back from Eddie, now standing in the doorway.
“Eddie… of course not.”, he’s doing that nervous tick where he bites on his bottom lip, it’s also a telltale sign of him lying Eddie’s learned. He’s not even sure if Buck knows that he does it but over the years Eddie has picked up every microscopic detail of Buck. Every little nervous tick, every little bad habit, every facial expression. That’s why this whole ordeal has been so frustrating because Buck is shutting Eddie out and Eddie can’t figure out why.
“Sure Buck, whatever you say.”, he pushes past him into the hallway and heads towards the kitchen. His head is pounding and he desperately needs something to soothe it.
Eddie pours himself a glass of water and throws back a few ibuprofen. He doesn’t even check to see if Buck followed him, he doesn’t even care.
But he can feel him lingering in the doorway; Eddie doesn’t even need to turn around to know he’s there.
“What?”, the word is harsh out of his mouth, not at all what Buck deserves right now.
But from the sound of it Buck is in a just as confrontational mood, “You don’t get to do that.”
Eddie whips around to face Buck who is still standing in the doorway with arms crossed.
“Do what?”, Eddie leans back against the counter crossing his own arms.
“You don’t get to be mad at me for not having feelings for you! You’re straight! So forgive me for not being a stereotype and falling for my straight best friend. You know, you’ve said before that I make everything about me but it’s starting to feel more and more like everything is about you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Buck takes a step towards him, more confidence now than he had a moment ago, “I can’t settle on a new place because you hate every option, we can’t go out with our friends because you felt the need to start a fight, you get yourself beat up and somehow it’s my fault, I said I don’t have feelings for you and you get mad!”
“He started it! And I don’t hate every option, I just don’t know why you need to move!”, the words leave his mouth before his brain can even catch up.
Buck’s angry facade falters momentarily. His eyes go wide and his arms drop to his sides. Then he laughs, like full on, head back, laughs. He sounds almost manic, almost like he might cry any second if he stops laughing.
In between laughs he looks at Eddie with an incredulous expression, “You’re fucking ridiculous you know that? Of course I have to move out! I can’t stay here Eddie. I’ve stayed too long already. You have a kid to worry about Eddie, not to mention your own happiness. There’s no way you’ll be able to find a girl who’s just okay with me hanging around here. You deserve to have an actual family, Eddie.”
“And what if I don’t want that, Buck? What if I have everything I could ever possibly want right here?”
Buck doesn’t respond, he just stares at Eddie with eyes wide, mouth opening and closing a few times but nothing ever comes out.
Was this exactly how he expected to confess his feelings for Buck? Of course not. But he also never planned to actually do it either.
Eventually a subtle sadness takes over Buck’s features, his eyes going a bit soft; pleading almost.
“Don’t do this Eddie.”
“Buck.”, he reaches out to him to try to comfort him but Buck dodges him.
“No. This isn’t fair Eddie.”
His face scrunches in confusion. How isn’t this fair? If anything it’s not fair to Eddie. It’s not fair that Buck clearly doesn’t want this and will do anything to avoid it. He doesn’t understand why they can’t both for once get what they want. They’re both here and obviously willing. Evidently that’s not enough for Buck.
“How is this not fair?”, he’s getting angry again, blood rushing back to a boiling point.
“You don’t get to just decide one day that you suddenly want me! You’re straight! Trust me I should know, because I’ve been the one sat on the sideline for years watching as you let relationship after relationship ruin you knowing I can’t do anything about it. Because I knew there was no way you would ever feel the same way. I knew that you would never let me love you the way I’ve always wanted to.”
“So no, this isn’t fair! Because I have had to push these feelings down for years just for you to suddenly realize you feel them too? No. No way. I can’t do it Eddie. I refuse to let you break my heart again.”
He’s breathing heavily now, his chest heaving with his words, his face is bloodshot and he’s got a finger pointed directly at Eddie's chest. Almost like Eddie was during their last argument in this kitchen. But Eddie can also see the hurt in Buck’s eyes, the tears threatening to spill over the corners. Except it's getting harder and harder to look at Buck as tears start to blur his own vision. Although he’s overwhelmed with emotion the one that’s at the forefront is still anger. Anger not necessarily directed at Buck but at the situation in general. If only he had had his shit together years ago, they could have avoided this whole ordeal.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t come to terms with things sooner, okay? But in my defense you weren’t always so out and proud either.” Buck winces. “I should’ve maybe handled myself better but in all honesty Buck I wasn’t ready to believe it myself. But I would never intentionally hurt you, I know I’ve said and done some things in the past but please, let me prove myself.”
The tears are now falling down Buck’s cheeks silently, “I really want to Eddie, I just don’t know if I can. Not after everything that’s happened this year, I can’t lose anyone else, especially not you.”
”Buck, please?”
It’s not fair and Eddie understands that but he has to try. Buck is not making it any easier by standing mere inches from him and somehow looking pretty as he cries.
“How long?”, Buck steels his expression and crosses his arms, suddenly looking a lot more serious.
“What?”, Eddie gapes, completely at a loss for what Buck is asking him.
“How long have you felt like this? Because if this is just some new, out of the blue thing, I’m sure you’ll get over it.”
Ah, he’s reasoning. Trying to find a sound reason for them not to do this. Which Eddie has found himself doing time after time.
“It’s not new Buck.”
His exterior falters a bit, his bottom lip wobbling just slightly. It’s gone as soon as Eddie sees it but he knows Buck too well to ignore it.
“You’re lying.”
“Buck.”
“No!” He starts pacing again, walking away from Eddie entirely. “No you have to be lying. There’s no way. I can’t—”
Eddie desperately wants to comfort him, he looks like he’s about to have a panic attack in Eddie’s living room.
“Can I—” He reaches out to Buck but holds his hand just out of reach, scared to push. “Can we sit and talk? Will you just hear me out at least?”
He doesn’t respond but sits down on the couch nonetheless. Leaving probably the most room that’s been between them in the last eight years, Eddie sits down next to him.
Even though Buck is still just staring ahead at nothing, Eddie turns to face him.
“Years, Buck, it’s been years. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment really. But I do know this, when I got shot” Buck flinches next to him “and I thought that was it, knowing you were okay and you were the last face I was going to see was enough.”
He’s never said that out loud before and he’s genuinely surprised he got through it all without completely breaking down. Which Eddie would, under normal circumstances, be proud of himself for, it’s just right now he can’t focus on anything except Buck’s lack of response.
Hesitantly he reaches out for Buck’s shoulder, resting his hand gently.
“That was the worst day of my life.”
“Buck I’m sorry, I shouldn’t hav—”
“Well one of the worst. Definitely felt like it at the time. I already knew how I felt back then too, that’s was one of the worst parts, having to sit back and act like my heart wasn’t being shattered in front of me. Then I had to be the one to tell Chris, God, I should’ve been there for him.”
“You were.” He insists, moving closer to Buck’s side. “You’ve always been there for him.”
“I was drowning; alone. I should’ve got to stay by your side, I should’ve been allowed to scream and cry and hold your hand.”
They’re both crying again, mourning what could’ve been. He’s close enough to wrap his arm around Buck’s shoulder now and Buck falls into his chest. His shoulders shaking and Eddie’s shirt is damp. It makes him sick to think of all the time they’ve lost. All of the battles they’ve had to fight alone because of their own stubbornness.
“I’m so sorry.” He runs his fingers through Buck curls and tries to keep his own tears from falling.
“Me too.” It’s muffled against the fabric of his shirt as Buck lifts his head to finally look in Eddie’s eyes.
“Could we do this? You think?”
“I don’t know Eds. I want to think we can. But I’m absolutely terrified of this not working out.”
“Then we put in the work.” He pushes a stray strand of Buck’s hair out of his face “I’ve wanted this for so long Buck. I believe in us. I have your back, remember?”
This earns him a small grin, “Yeah, I remember. We’ll put in the work, we can figure this out. Everything with you has always come so easy to me Eddie, I can’t imagine why this would be any different.”
Eddie couldn’t have possibly said it any better, they have always been so inexplicably connected, drawn to each other by some invisible force. Even when they were at each other’s throats there’s always been a level of trust between them.
“Can I kiss you?” Eddie thinks he might die if he doesn’t do it soon.
Lucky for him Buck just grins before leaning in ever so gently. When they’re lips touch for the first time Eddie’s entire body feels like it’s on fire. He’s so overwhelmed with the feeling of Buck and he desperately craves more. Buck seems to feel the same way judging by the way he gasps and pulls Eddie closer. They’ve both got their hands anywhere they can reach. It’s all Eddie’s wanted for a long time and he sort of doesn’t believe this is actually happening.
After what feels like both seconds and hours they finally break away. Buck looks so beautiful like this, his blue eyes wide and bright, his lips spit slick and rosy; it’s quite a sight.
“I love you.”
Now that’s a look Eddie could get used to seeing. A cheek splitting grin spread across Buck’s face.
“Say it again.”
“I love you.” He presses a quick kiss to Buck’s cheek. His skin is hot under Eddie’s lips.
“I love you.” Another kiss.
“I love you.” Another.
“I love you.” And their lips find their way back to each other.
They whisper love confessions into each other’s mouths. Like they’re trying to engrave it into the other one’s bones. They kiss until Eddie forgets about his bruised ribs and the cut on his cheek. Until he forgets about the arguing and the tears that led them here.