Work Text:
The official report was twenty-three pages long. The unofficial report was three words: Senator did it.
Unfortunately, that explanation was not considered sufficient by Republic legal standards.
Commander Fox stared at the datapad in his hands. Then at the senator. Then at the six loth-cats. Then at the smoldering remains of what had once been a decorative fountain in the Senate District. Then back at the senator.
"...Explain."
The senator from Brentaal looked deeply offended by the accusation. "What makes you think I had anything to do with this?"
Fox slowly looked around. The senator's robes were singed, and his hair was smoking slightly.
A crate labeled DEFINITELY NOT FIREWORKS had exploded approximately fifty feet away.
And somehow the senator was still attempting plausible deniability.
Fox pinched the bridge of his nose. Behind him, Commander Thorn was losing his battle against laughter.
"Sir."
"Not now, Thorn."
"Sir."
"What."
Thorn pointed. One of the loth-cats had stolen a firework, and the animal was now sprinting across the plaza at alarming speed. A second loth-cat was chasing it. Three more joined immediately.
Fox closed his eyes. When he opened them again, nothing had improved. Typical.
"Let's start from the beginning."
The senator straightened, clearly relieved that someone was finally being reasonable. "Excellent."
Fox already hated where this was going.
"I purchased several perfectly legal decorative pyrotechnics."
Fox glanced at the burning crater. "Those."
"Yes."
"The ones currently embedded in a government building."
"An unfortunate accident."
Fox made a note. Senator is lying.
"Continue."
The senator gestured dramatically. "Unfortunately, during transportation, several wild animals became involved."
Fox stared. "Wild animals."
"Yes."
Fox looked at the loth-cats. The loth-cats looked back. One hissed. Fox was beginning to understand why people drank. "How?"
The senator hesitated, and Fox despaired. That was never a good sign.
"Well." A pause. "There may have been fish."
Fox closed his eyes again. Thorn walked away because he was laughing too hard into internal comms to remain professional. Several nearby corries followed.
Cowards. All of them.
"Senator."
"Yes?"
"What do fish have to do with fireworks?"
The senator looked uncomfortable. "The fireworks were transported in fish containers."
Fox blinked. "What?”
"To avoid customs inspections."
Another pause. "...What."
The senator seemed to realize he wasn't helping himself. "I can explain."
"You just confessed to smuggling."
The senator opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened it again. "...In my defense-“
"No."
"But—"
"No."
Meanwhile, the loth-cats had somehow reached the Senate steps. This would have been concerning under normal circumstances. Today it ranked approximately seventh on Fox's list of problems.
The list currently read:
1. Senator committed multiple crimes.
2. Illegal fireworks.
3. Property damage.
4. Smuggling.
5. Why were there fish.
6. Why were there six loth-cats.
7. The actual loth-cats.
"Commander!"
Fox turned in time to see Nox sprinting across the plaza.
"Oh good." Fox said flatly. "More bad news."
"One of the cats got into a transport."
"...And?"
"It's moving."
Fox stared. Nox looked terrified.
"It's moving fast, sir."
Fox looked towards the transport lanes just in time to see a civilian speeder shoot past. A loth-cat was visible through the windshield. Driving.
Fox considered retirement for three full glorious seconds. Then duty won out. Unfortunately.
"Thorn!"
The commander reappeared immediately, still laughing. "Sir?”
"Go catch the cat."
Thorn stopped laughing, and Fox could physically hear the blink of confusion from under his bucket. "Did you just order me to arrest a loth-cat?"
"Yes."
"Just making sure."
And then he left, because somehow that wasn't even the strangest order the Guard had received that month.
Fox turned back to the senator. The senator smiled nervously.
"So."
"So."
"Am I under arrest?"
Fox stared at him. Then looked at the crater. Then the fireworks. Then the fish. Then the six separate crime scenes. Then the senator.
"Senator."
"Yes?"
Fox handed him a datapad. "Start writing."
The senator looked confused. "What?"
"You are going to document every decision that led to this disaster."
There was a pause. "Commander, that's going to take forever!"
Fox smiled. It was not a pleasant smile. "Better start soon then."
Hours later, Commander Stone found Fox sitting on the edge of the ruined fountain staring into space. "The report?"
Fox handed it over. Stone skimmed the first page. Then the second. Then the third. His expression slowly changed.
"...The fireworks were for a surprise birthday party."
"Yes."
"The fish were a bribe."
"Yes."
"The loth-cats were attracted by the fish."
"Yes."
"The fireworks exploded because one of the cats bit through a power cable."
"Yes."
Stone lowered the report. There was a moment of silence between them. Then: "How is the Republic still functioning?"
Fox looked toward the Senate building and the politicians and the burning transport now being pursued by three of his corries and what appeared to be an extremely determined loth-cat.
He sighed. "Us."
Stone considered that for a second and nodded. "Sounds about right."
Across the plaza, Thorn finally came back holding the speeding loth-cat by the scruff of its neck triumphantly.
And just like that, another day in the Coruscant Guard passed by.