Archive of Our Own

“Heh heh, ‘blowjob’.”

The five other male Straw Hats in the men’s quarters had certainly never expected to hear that word from Luffy when he walked inside. Then again, in the last few days, a lot had happened with their captain that they would’ve never expected in a million years…and that word and the other things were probably, definitely correlated.

“Luffy, we have been subjected to you and Nami’s sex life enough already,” Usopp said, sitting up from his hammock and with a twisted puzzle cube in hand. “You can spare us the recaps.”

“C’mon, Usopp, who are we to police a man’s pleasure?!” Franky asked with a shit-eating grin.

Usopp set his cube down and pointed at the cyborg. “Oh, don’t even get me started on you, General Vibrator! You’re just gonna make things worse!”

While Franky shrugged, Luffy looked back and forth between the two with curiosity. “Huh? I wasn’t talking about that stuff. Nami just mentioned that word, ‘blowjob’ and started laughing all cute ‘n awkward and the word sounds kinda funny!”

Usopp, Franky, Brook and a suddenly more intrigued Zoro all eyed each other with a mix of bewilderment and amusement, while a certain chef was turning his head away as if to emphasize his apparent disinterest. 

“Wait, so you don’t know what a blowjob is?” Zoro asked.

“Nope.”

“Most intriguing,” Brook observed as he idly strummed his violin. “Given the things we heard you two doing, it appears you’ve skipped a few steps!”

While Usopp instinctively squirmed as a trauma-response, Luffy blinked. “Oh…so it is some kinda sex thing. Musta been why she was giggling.”

Usopp simply shook his head, trying to redirect his focus to the puzzle. It had been a week since what he had dubbed, ‘The Fifth Circle of Hell,’ in which Luffy and Nami’s secret sexual rendezvous became a not-secret in the form of Luffy’s very bouncy and very loud Fifth Gear nearly destroying the Thousand Sunny and the crew’s sanity along with it. And that was to say nothing of the aftermath…

“I guess sis is tryin’ some new stuff!” Franky said while Sanji voiced his displeasure with a curt grunt.

“Ehh, she does a lot o’ stuff already!” Luffy replied, that enthusiastic grin plastered on his face like they were just discussing cuts of steak. “Like, there’s this one thing she does with her tongue —”

“ALRIGHT,” Sanji yelled, just as Usopp was in the process of covering his ears (and hurting his left ear because the cube smacked right into it). “I guess now’s a great time to get started on dinner.”

“Aww, c’mon, Sanji it’s not even noon!” Luffy said, as oblivious as ever. “Besides, I figured you’d love to hear about Nami’s-”

With well-honed reflexes, Usopp leaped across two beds and grabbed Sanji before he could lunge at Luffy. Their struggle left Zoro laughing wickedly.

“Guess the witch has cast her spell on ya, huh” Zoro said, sitting up from his hammock with more interest than he spared most subjects. “Honestly, besides the almost-gettin’-us-killed part I wouldn’t be too mad if she started gettin’ all goofy and stuff on us again. As uptight as she is, I always figured she desperately needed to either get stoned or get laid.”

As the thought hit him, Zoro clenched his teeth with a quick laugh. “You somehow pulled off both.”

Usopp let go of Sanji and turned to the swordsman. “Not that I disagree, but I mean, it’s Nami. We all have eyes —”

A broken cord rang off from a certain violin. “Usopp!” Brook yelled. “Inclusivity!”

Usopp sighed. “I know, Brook, I know. But I’m just saying, I don’t think Nami would ever have trouble getting laid, Luffy or no Luffy.”

“Hey!” Sanji snapped, glaring at Usopp with enough venom to send the snipper whirling back to his own hammock. “Do not objectify our navigator!”

Franky, Zoro, Brook, and Usopp all planted their hands on their waist, lidded their eyes, and leaned towards Sanji with probing stares. The only response Sanji had to offer was twiddling thumbs.

As for Luffy, he shrugged. “What? She’s hot.”

Usopp laughed, still unable to wrap his head around Luffy of all people commenting on a woman’s appearance the same way as most guys their age.

“Meh, I wouldn’t do it,” Zoro replied with a yawn, before gesturing to Luffy. “No offense.”

The fire in Sanji’s eyes ignited. “You sword-brained…! Did your other eye go bad, too?!”

“There he is,” Usopp deadpanned.

While Luffy giggled at the debate over his girlfriend’s looks, Zoro dug a pinky in his ear without a care in the world.

“Pretty face, big tits; you can go to any island in the world and find that on a chick whose favorite hobby isn’t extortion. Besides…” Zoro folded his arms with a smirk. “Styles make fights.”

Usopp recoiled, and his sentiments were shared by the chef. “‘Fights?’” Sanji echoed with contempt. “That meathead brain of yours can’t even comprehend soft, feminine beauty enough to develop a palate.”

“Believe what you want…” Zoro replied with enigmatic confidence.

“Now I’m kinda curious,” Usopp said. “You’re the only guy that paid even less attention to women than Luffy before this Nami thing started. What floats the boat of a swordsman?”

With a glint in his eye, Zoro’s smirk widened and sent a chill through Usopp. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked…

“I’ll give you an example, a girl I’ve been with. You’re gonna get a real kick out of this one…”

Usopp gulped. Who was he gonna say? Satan’s daughter?!

“I’ll give you a hint.” Zoro leaned forward, and the others followed. “‘Ne. Ga. Tive.’”

Close enough.

While the phrase sent a shock through all of the boys, none was greater than Usopp’s. Eyes jutting out further than his nose, he crawled away to the edge of his bed. 

“PERONA?!”

Literal ghosts of PTSD traveled through Usopp while Luffy only showed excitement. “Oooh, the ghost girl! Wait, is that why she was there with you when we came back to Sabaody?”

“More or less,” Zoro replied.

“Ah, that was quite the fetching gal, if moderately terrifying,” Brook commented.

“Moderately?!” Usopp squawked. “She subjected all of you to existential crises! Reduced to your hands and knees wishing you were dog food, among other things!”

“Didn’t you say that didn’t work on you?” Franky asked.

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” 

Though he was certainly right! 

Usopp shifted back to Zoro. “She tried to kill me and you slept with her?! How’d you even find the time? We were all trying to get our souls back!”

“I had plenty of time, ‘cause it happened after we got poofed off of Sabaody. I got sent to Gloom Island where Mihawk was staying, and she’d already been poofed there before me.”

Sanji ran his hands through hair, fuming with envy. “So while we were training our asses off for two years, while I was running for my life on that wretched island…” Sanji jabbed one finger at Luffy. “YOU were hanging around the world’s most beautiful woman…” And another finger at Zoro, “And you were barreling into a cute goth girl?!”

He shook his head and waved his hands in dismissal. “Nope, I refuse to believe this. Didn’t happen. I bet she wasn’t even there!”

“Hey, you saw her with me on Sabaody, too,” Zoro replied, clearly savoring Sanji’s despair.

“S-So…”

“I can’t wrap my head around it, either,” Usopp said. “How?! Why?! …and did she use her ghosts on you?!”

Sanji, Brook, and Franky all gave Usopp skeptical looks. He tucked his head down.

With another yawn, Zoro inspected his beer bottle before he answered. “Not much to explain. There was nobody else on the island. She’s one of those girls that needs attention all the time and Mihawk ain’t the most social guy in the world. I’d get my ass kicked, she’d patch me up while talkin’ my ear off and bitchin’ about everything under the sun, and then she started doin’ the thing where she’d ask me for it in a million different ways without just saying what the fuck she wanted.”

“Ah, a classic,” Brook said with a nostalgic sigh. “Though probably not the best course of action with a guy like you.”

“Hey, I caught on!” Zoro yelled, though with a grumble he added, “...Eventually. So, yeah. That was my life for a year and a half. Knowin’ what we know now, I kinda think that Kuma guy was doin’ me a favor. ‘Training with the man you’re trying to defeat? Might as well have a bendy goth chick hangin’ around.’”

“Bendy?” Usopp asked, more intrigued than he wanted to admit. He said she was terrifying, not ugly!

Zoro said nothing, instead taking a swig of his bottle and looking up with a suggestive smirk. Good answer. Sanji hissed through his teeth, seething with denial.

“Ooh, Nami’s bendy, too!” Luffy cheered. “Even without Fifth Gear!”

Sanji and Usopp dissented yet again, the former even banging his head against the wall. 

“Luffy, I do not want to hear about Nami’s flexibility until I’m ready to eat a pretzel again,” Usopp said. “I’d rather relive my fight with Perona!”

“Heh, y’know she mentioned you a couple times,” Zoro said. “Mostly just insults, but she said you were fascinating and somethin’ about donating your brain to science.”

Usopp’s face paled. “I’m…flattered? I think? You’re just making her sound creepier and creepier.”

“Meh, she’s got her funny moments every now and then,” Zoro said with something in the neighborhood of light affection.

“I’ll take your word for it. And what about Mihawk? Did he ever find out about you two?”

“Hell, he caught us,” Zoro chuckled. “Walked right in to get a bottle of liquor and didn’t even look at us, just said, ‘Keep it down,’ and went on his way.”

“Aww, like a dad dealing with his unruly children,” Brook cooed. “If his unruly children had sex with each other!”

No comment.

“Nice, so that makes two of us with girlfriends!" Luffy said.

Zoro scoffed. “It wasn’t like that. We lived in the same castle for two years, we fucked a lot, and that was that.”

With a drag of his cigarette, Sanji shook his head in disapproval. “Pfft, leave it to Mosshead to use a pretty lady for her body and leave her high & dry.”

“She knew the deal,” Zoro replied with a roll of his eye. “Shit — set the terms, even.”

“Now there’s a keeper!” Brook said.

“Brook!” Franky gasped. “I would’ve thought you were a romantic!”

“Oh, I am…” Brook tossed the violin and from thin air came a spiky, purple guitar. Leaping from the bed, he landed in the center of the room and struck a pose. “But I’m also a rockstar!”

Franky, Usopp, and Luffy forgot all about the conversation and instead marveled as Brook strummed a guitar solo with ghastly precision.

“She does send me letters, though. Just insulting me for a few pages…” Zoro mused as Brook’s solo raged on. “Now Hiyori, she might try to make it a thing.”

The solo came to an abrupt stop. The only noise to come next were Sanji, Brook, Luffy, Franky and Usopp’s screeches.

“HIYORI?!”

Zoro didn’t offer much reaction to the shock beyond a hum. “Yeah, her too. What?”

“Momo’s sister?!” Luffy asked before a laugh overtook him. “Heh, he’s gonna be so mad!”

“I’ll help him get over it,” Zoro replied, the menacing implication clear. “Besides, she’s the one who decided to help my recovery process.”

Brook folded his arms and laughed. “Ha! And you said you didn’t care about her sleeping on you. Your fourth sword does work!”

As Luffy howled with laughter, Zoro squinted with exasperation. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Before, she wasn’t naked. Then, she was.”

“She was literally declared the most beautiful woman in Wano…” Usopp stammered, awe heavy in his voice. “Do you realize how big of a deal that is?!”

“Meh.”

Flames ignited around Sanji as he leaped towards Zoro. “‘Meh?’ ‘MEH?’ You aloof…mossbrained…FUCK! I knew something happened when she said she washed you off!”

Tears washed away the flames as Sanji sank to his knees. “A full-service cleaning from a princess…and for this bum. God isn’t real.”

“‘Bout time you said something right,” Zoro quipped. “And for your information, it happened after that, so technically, you’re wrong.”

Sanji sprang forward until he was right in Zoro’s face. “And technically, I should kick your ass!”

Zoro just got excited, grinning at the challenge. “And technically, I can cut the jealousy right out of you —”

“And technically it is too early for you two to kill each other!” Usopp interrupted.

Sanji stepped back, retreating to his hammock with one last glare and looked at the wall with a thousand-yard stare. Meanwhile, Luffy went up to Zoro and patted him on the back.

“Heh, guess I’m not the only one who banged a girl after we beat Kaido!”

Zoro, Brook, Franky and Usopp doubled over with laughter while Sanji rapidly flickered his lighter at his cigarette. “Me, a gentleman, meanwhile these doofuses get lost and stumble into the arms of beautiful women…”

Catching his breath, Zoro replied, “Could learn a thing or two, cook. Maybe if you stop all that smothering and swooning, you won’t die a virgin.”

Sanji stood up, and while Usopp preemptively leaped to the center of the room to thwart him, he stayed put. He even removed the cigarette from his mouth. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a virgin.”

Despite Sanji’s determined voice, the others couldn’t help but laugh at the obvious insecurity underlining the words. None amused more than Zoro.

The swordsman set his beer down. “Name one girl.”

Sanji raised his cigarette and placed it back against his lips. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Zoro opened his mouth, but Luffy beat him to the punch: “Yeah, a VIRGIN gentleman!”

Laughter cut through the room as Zoro slapped Luffy on the back with pride. Sanji sunk his teeth into his cigarette, face getting a shade redder with every passing second. One hand clenched into a fist.

“Fine.”

The other raised the lighter to his cigarette and let the flame. After a quick drag, he blew smoke directly to the Adam Wood ceiling.

“Conis.”

The name didn’t ring a bell to Franky and Brook, but left Usopp, Luffy and Zoro practically whistling in surprise. 

“Skypeia Conis?” Usopp asked.

“No, Impel Down Conis,” Sanji scoffed. “What other Conis was there?”

“I know, but…” Usopp stirred, trying to steer his thoughts of her and her pink dress, and her wings away from the gutter. “She seemed so…shy, and innocent.”

“Innocence doesn’t preclude sexuality,” Sanji answered, to the response of a snort from Zoro. “Look, after we beat Eneru and everybody was celebrating, we talked for a little bit and explored some of the Shandorian ruins. Her emotions were pretty high after everything and she got a little swept up in the moment, and— ”

“And then you banged her!” Luffy concluded.

Sanji chucked his lighter directly at Luffy’s temple. “Don’t say it like that, you carnivorous cretin!”

As Luffy picked up the lighter after it fell from his head and started playing around with it (and Usopp practically teleported to try getting it out of his hands), Sanji exhaled. “...She expressed her gratitude the way one might express their gratitude to somebody they’re attracted to, yes. It was lovely, and that’s all I’ll say about that.”

“She plays a harp, y’know,” Luffy said to Brook as he raised his arm and stretched it to the ceiling to get the match out of Usopp’s reach. 

“Ahh, nice,” Brook said, polishing his guitar with his handkerchief. “I wonder what type of panties she was wearing.”

Sanji kicked Brook’s head to the other side of the room, and the detached skull “Yohoho’d” in agony. “What did I do?!”

“You know what you did!” Sanji shouted.

“I just asked what type of harp she played!” Brook replied as his headless body walked over to the wall.

“That is not what you asked!”

“Oh, wait.” Brook screwed his head back on. It was backwards. “I asked about her panties instead, didn’t I? My b! Sometimes my brain gets everything mixed up!”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN!”

“SKULL JOKE!”

As Sanji pinched the bridge of his nose, Usopp (kneeling atop Luffy’s shoulders to try getting that lighter out of his dangerous hands) chimed in. “Y’know, it seems the prevailing thread here is celebrations after we save islands. You three seem to have a very particular method of partying.”

Sanji shook his head. “Look, Usopp-”

“Oooh oooh oooh!” Luffy yelled, making Usopp almost lose his balance right when he successfully snagged the lighter. “Sanji! After we beat Arlong! Was that why Nojiko grabbed you and dragged you behind a building and you both were gone for like an hour?!”

Sanji’s eyes went white. “LUFFY…!”

Upon hearing that, Usopp dropped the lighter and it fell onto his head, where it promptly went off and set his hair ablaze. With a shriek, he leaped down to the floor and stopped, dropped & rolled while Luffy and Zoro gawked at Sanji with their eyes and mouths all the size of sea king eggs.

As Franky blasted Usopp with extinguishing agents from his hands, Brook, head still on backwards, scanned the various reactions in the room. “So, who’s Nojiko? The name rings a bell.”

Luffy was the one to rip the band-aid off.

“YOU BANGED NAMI’S SISTER!”

Brook’s head spun back into its proper place on its own.

“Oh. Oh.”

Franky folded his arms and grinned like his teeth alone would stir the pot. “Now that’s what I call super.”

As the shock wore off, Zoro’s lips curled into the most sadistic smirk he could muster towards the shuddering statue that used to be the chef. “Y’know, I was kinda 50/50 on believing the Conis thing, but holy shit. Your face right now. Guilty as charged.”

Too gobsmacked to jump over and kick Luffy, Sanji shook his fist instead. “Luffy, you and your big fucking mouth! What were you doing spying on me that day, anyway?!”

“I wasn’t spying on you! I was looking for you ‘cause everybody ate all the burgers and I wanted more.”

“Y-You ate all the burgers…” Usopp corrected, staggering back to his feet as smoke trailed from his hair. “But, that is burying the lede!”

Sanji rubbed his hands over his eyes. “Look, it’s a long story…”

“Does Nami know?!” Usopp asked.

“If she hasn’t told her then I sure as hell don’t plan on doing it!” Sanji snatched the cigarette from his own mouth and crushed it with a whimper.

“But of all the people…!”

“She was VERY FORWARD, okay?!” Sanji shrieked. He bit his lip with a whimper of shame. “I had never been with a woman before, and then all of sudden here comes this tattooed, blue-haired goddess, grabbing my arm, and biting those gorgeous lips…”

“YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO NAMI’S SISTER?!” Usopp shrieked.

“You wanna say that louder, Usopp?! I’m sure Conis didn’t hear you from Skypeia!”

“Ahh, I love this crew,” Zoro snickered as he placed his hands behind his head and leaned back against the wall.

Not even the smell of his own burning follicles could snap Usopp out of his stupor. “So all the mellorines, all the Nami-swans, all the peeks through peepholes…that all came with a silent, ‘By the way, your sister made me a man’?!”

“I had only known Nami for less than a day at that point…” Sanji’s poor voice had gone hoarse. “And it’s not like I was ever-”

Luffy joined Sanji and slapped him on the back just like with Zoro. “So I banged Nami, and you banged her sister! That makes us dick brothers!”

Sanji slammed his foot onto the top of Luffy’s skull.

Across the room, Zoro laughed so hard his voice hit five extra octaves, genuinely clutching his ribs as if Mihawk had reopened the scar. “Gotta hand it to ya, Swirly Brow, you took a helluva first shot! What, did you sort her and Nami by age?”

“Zoro, you will not say a word about this!” Sanji growled. With his foot, he lifted Luffy up by his chin. “And especially you, Luffy! Not if you plan on seeing any more of those burgers you wanted so fucking badly!”

“Okayyyyy…” Luffy wheezed.

“♪ One sis, two sis, orange sis, blue sis… ♪” Sang Brook with a few guitar strums.

As the melody droned along, veins in Sanji’s forehead swelled until his temper popped and he spun around to Brook. “Well y’know Brook, since you’re so full of commentary this morning, how’s about we put you on the hotseat next?!”

“Pfft, desperate-ass segue…” Zoro muttered.

“Who, me?” Brook set his guitar down and straightened his tie. “I am a virgin.”

Luffy, Sanji, Usopp, Franky, and Zoro all looked at each other. And then back at Brook.

“...No you’re not,” Franky said, tone flat.

Brook looked back and forth between the other male Straw Hats, attempting to make his skull appear as innocent as a skull could. “What? You don’t believe me? I am!”

“Yeah, yeah, and I have 1,000 men,” Usopp dismissed. “Seriously, Brook, c’mon.”

“I don’t know where the skepticism is coming from,” he said before taking a long sip of tea.

“You talked about what goes on in the backrooms after concerts the other day!”

Brook shrugged his bony shoulders. “Witnessing and participating are two very different things.”

“You just said girls that like sex without commitment are the best,” Zoro said.

“That’s what friends have told me.”

“You said it’s because you’re a rockstar.”

“Can a skeleton not take artistic liberties?”

Various groans left the mouths of the other Straw Hats, though the man wearing the hat laughed. “Sure, Brook, I believe ya!”

“Don’t encourage this nonsense, Luffy!” Sanji snapped.

“It’s not nonsense.” Brook proudly jutted his thumb to his chest. “I, Brook, am as pure as the day I was reborn.”

“‘Reborn’? Brook-!” Sanji sucked his teeth and palmed his forehead. “Fine. The forty years before you died.”

Brook set his cup aside, sat down and crossed his legs. “One’s past life is irrelevant. I don’t expect you all to answer for your previous lives as spiders or ferrets, do I?”

“YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBER YOUR PAST LIFE!” Usopp screamed.

“It was fifty years ago, you know the memory is the first to go!”

“You still remember the exact price of a nudie mag seventy years ago!”

“One hundred berries, one-fifty for full frontal.” He rattled it off on autopilot.

Sanji raised his hand. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask — never mind…”

Usopp swung his arms out. “See what I mean?!”

“What? It’s just a tiny little piece. The more significant chunks are long gone.” Brook picked his guitar back up and strummed a power chord with a vocal harmony to kick himself off. “♪ Gather up all of the crew, it’s time to ship out Binks’ brew…♪ “

At their wits’ end, Sanji and Zoro could only shake their heads. Franky waved his hand with a dismissive laugh. And Brook’s generations-old folk tune continued on.

Luffy firmly folded his arms. “I don’t see what’s the big deal. Brook says he’s a virgin, then he’s a virgin. Captain’s order!” Of course, the smile he said it with was full of mischief.

Amongst the eye rolls was an extended fist of gratitude from Brook. “Thank you, Luffy! It’s about time sanity prevailed. Per the decree of the future King of the Pirates, the Soul King Brook has never indulged in sin. I have never witnessed orgies in West Blue Kingdoms. I have zero knowledge or hands-on experience of mermaids with multiple tongues. I cannot personally speak on Vice Admiral Tsuru’s-”

“You are just playing in our faces at this point,” Usopp grumbled.

Brook lowered his voice to powerful bass and lifted his guitar. “The only playing I do is a powerful jam.”

Another guitar solo, although Luffy was the only awe-struck reaction left.

“♪USOPP!♪” Brook roared, pointing his guitar at the long-nose of the crew. “You cast doubts on me, now let’s hear if the man of many fables has some womanly excursions to share.”

With a gravelly clearing of his throat, Usopp looked around the room and scratched his hair. “Uh…my scalp is still burning pretty bad, I think I’ve gotta let Chopper take a look at it.”

“♪Like a virgin…♪” Brook cooed with a light strum.

“C’mon, Usopp, I thought you were supposed to be the bravest among us,” Zoro taunted.

“And I am…” Usopp mumbled, running his hand through his messy hair. “I-I just don’t want to show you guys up and spark jealousy is all.”

With a jolt of bluster, Usopp stood tall. “I’m not one to brag, but one could say I’ve amassed an entire harem in my travels…”

His shame over the Nojiko situation a distant memory, Sanji leaned in with a smirk. “Oh, really? How deep we talking?”

“I mean, Syrup Village alone…” The drop of sweat pooling on Usopp’s head? Merely after effects of the fire. Yeah. “Kaya would give me nasty looks at the sheer number of girls that would surround me and hang onto my every word.”

“And by hanging on, you mean…?” Franky asked.

“There was this one girl, brown…auburn…sepia-ish hair. When I weaved one of my tales about my wars with a three-headed dragon, she stared into me deeply. For several seconds, not including the milliseconds that followed, my onyx eyes met her crystal-blue orbs and exchanged genuine captivation.”

“Ooh, eye contact,” Zoro said, grinning from ear to ear with his brows folded in maximum mockery. “You really went for it, eh?”

“Eye contact?” Luffy asked with a thoughtful frown. “You can’t bang a girl with your eyes, Usopp.”

While Zoro and Sanji covered their mouths to restrain their laughs, Usopp pursed his lips in frustration. “The intimacy, Luffy! Before bodies intertwine, the souls must align, and that’s what happened when she looked at me.”

“So what’d she do next?” Franky asked.

“Y’know…she nodded. Demonstrated her interest. But that’s not important…I was merely setting the table and showing just where my raw charisma alone gets me!” Usopp tapped his feet, looking down as his mind went through his exhaustive bank of female encounters. 

“Now Water 7, that’s where it really gets crazy. When I was guarding the Merry after, well, y’know…” 

Luffy flinched. Just a little. 

“These two twins stopped by. They couldn’t believe the level of craftsmanship I demonstrated in repairing her damages, and so…” Usopp smiled deviously, closing his eyes and digging his hands in his pockets to project a strenuous attempt at modesty. “Well, let’s just say I gave them a little tour.”

Franky crossed his arms, trying not to laugh but falling terribly short. “Usopp, are you talking about Kiwi and Mozu?”

“I-I thought you would ask that!” Usopp shakily replied. “But these girls had triangle-shaped hair and square-noses. And their outfits were blue and green! Very different. And let me tell you, once they saw my factory…it was a free-for-all…”

“Usopp, you are literally just repeating one of Paulie’s stories about Kiwi and Mozu,” Franky replied. “I was right there when they talked about it!”

“I-It’s not exactly the same! They saw what Paulie did to that ship’s kitchen, these two girls saw my factory!”

“And we saw your virginity,” Sanji dismissed. 

“N-No! See, back on Boin Archipelago, there was this jungle maiden-”

“Boin? I think Iva mentioned that place once,” Sanji interrupted. “He said only one person lived over there.”

“Well, he was misinformed, because-”

The door swung open, and from it emerged a rotund, blue fishman who exchanged a few nods and headed for the lockers.

“JINBEI! Just the guy I was looking for!” Usopp yelled amidst dismissive laughs from his peers.

“From the other side it sounded like I was missing quite the raucous conversation,” Jinbei chortled as he opened his locker.

Chirping uneasily, Usopp replied, “Oh, y’know, just talkin’ guy stuff. Our various sexual conquests, of which mine are also numerous! But uh…what about you? Any deep-sea liaisons?"

“I’ve met my share of mermaids in my day, yes,” Jinbei replied as he grabbed a rubber band from the locker and tied his hair up.

“Ah, mermaids,” Sanji murmured with rosy cheeks. “I wonder how Camie’s doing...”

“Hey, maybe you can stop by Fishman Island on the way to fucking Nami’s sister again,” Zoro quipped, and in no time at all Sanji was right in his face, ignoring the gasp that joke got out of Jinbei.

“FRANKY!” Usopp yelled, trying to distract Zoro and Sanji from their fisticuffs. “Your turn! I mean, we already know the Robin thing, but-”

“What Robin thing?!” Sanji shouted, instantly forgetting about Zoro.

“Oh…shit, I forgot. You weren’t there for all that, huh?” Usopp wanted to slap himself for the grievous error. “Well, um, y’see, I was just talking about-”

“Don’t worry, Usopp, I got this!” Franky interrupted.

“That’s exactly what I’m-”

“Robin and I used to fuck, but I can’t really do it anymore so now she fucks herself with a custom-made vibrator linked to my brain!” In case Sanji needed clarification, Franky boastfully tapped his temple.

Wanting no parts of the fallout, Usopp closed his eyes and sunk his head. Surprisingly, seconds passed by without the usual Sanji screeches. When he looked back up, Sanji was just blinking, his shoulders as slumped as his face.

“Y’know what? That’s….fine. Just fine. Whatever.” Even Zoro’s eye opened wider. The sullen chef dragged his feet back to his hammock. “I’ve got nothing. Just the realization that I apparently don’t understand a goddamn thing about what women find appealing.”

“I can give you a manual!” Brook offered.

“I’m good.”

Usopp sat back and whistled as nonchalantly as he tried while an itch made its way through his body. The longer he resisted the thought that had leeched into his brain, the more annoying the itch became. 

“Y’know, though...I actually am, um…a little curious about something, Franky.”

“I’m listening’.”

“When you and Robin were still, um, physically involved.” Usopp scratched the back of his neck, teeth clenched as he tried to smile through the embarrassment. “Her…hands situation. The…the hands.”

A millisecond later and Franky was on the receiving end of undivided attention from Sanji, Brook, Zoro, Jinbei, and yes, even Luffy. Every one of their gazes bore a cocktail of long-simmering intrigue and a little bit of shame.

Reading the room, the cyborg took off his shades and put his laser-focused eyes on full display. His smirk was full of swagger.

“I’ll say this much. Whatever you’re thinking…it doesn’t even come close.”

Varying shades of red overtook the faces of the six other male Straw Hats as they exchanged glances and head nods amongst each other. What was understood didn’t need to be said.

“Nami! This blowjob thing. What exactly is it, really?”

Nami looked down at the map she’d been in the middle of drawing and took a beat to wonder what exactly was in the stars when she got Nojiko’s blessing to sail with Luffy that decided this would become a part of her life.

She took off her glasses with a sigh. “Luffy, have you been thinking about this for the last four hours?”

“Yes!” Luffy replied, laying down on the couch next to Nami’s survey desk. “It’s apparently cool enough that you promised it to me if I let us go to that island with the gold fortress but you can’t even say what it is without getting embarrassed!”

Nami planted a tongue in her cheek. “Ugh, look-”

“And Brook said it’s a sex thing!”

Her eyes went fully online in a flash. “You asked the guys about this?”

Really, she had absolutely no justifiable reason to be shocked by that.

“Yeah! Found out a lot of cool stuff, actually.” He sat up with a glow of excitement radiating from his body. “Did you know Zoro banged that skinny ghost girl with the pink hair from Thriller Bark?”

Nami legitimately fell out of her chair. “WHAT?! Are you serious?! When? Why?!”

“Apparently Big Bear dude poofed her to Mihawk’s island before he poofed Zoro there, too.”

“Ahhhhh,” Nami said, recalling the moment she saw Kuma zap that girl away. A light bulb flickered off in her head. “Wait, that’s it! The pink envelopes with the bear stamps addressed to the ‘The Oaf!’ A few of those have come in the last couple months…”

“♪ Zoro’s got a girlfriend! ♪” Luffy sang.

Nami didn’t vocally join in, but she definitely hummed it.

As Nami stood back up, Luffy continued. “Oh, and Sanji-”

Just as Nami began to crouch back into her seat, Luffy suddenly cut himself off and did that jittery look he always did when he was trying not to say too much. “...uh, has done…Sanji stuff! With girls!”

Nami slowly lowered back into her seat, eyebrow curled. “...So Sanji’s not a virgin?”

“Oh noooo,” Luffy said with a mischievous little smirk.

Though finding his demeanor curious, Nami mostly focused on the surface information with more than a little fascination. “...Huh. Guess he’s just catastrophically horny. Then again, so are Brook and Franky.”

“Hey!” Luffy snapped, though a smile was still tugging his lips and undercutting the sturdiness in his voice. “Brook is a pure and innocent virgin!”

Nami’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Not possible.”

Luffy just laughed away. “He’s not, but it’s funny. But enough about them.” He slammed his hand on the desk, making the papers and pen bounce around. “BLOWJOBS!”

Nami leaned back in her chair, exasperated but giggling. “Oh my God, Luffy, it’s not some great mystery. I’ve literally done it to you before. A lot.”

“Really?! What is it?!”

She brought her fist to her jaw, made two pumps and let her tongue indent her cheek in rhythm.

“...That.”

Luffy jolted off the couch. “THAT?! So why didn’t the guys just say that when I mentioned the tongue thing-”

Nami hopped up and squeezed two handfuls of Luffy’s neck. “YOU TOLD THEM THAT?!”

He attempted to answer, but couldn’t get the words out on account of the strangulation. Nami shoved him away, tucking her arms tightly to her chest and stewing while he coughed up spit.

“Not everything, they cut me off,” Luffy hoarsely replied with a scowl, like he was genuinely disappointed he couldn’t share more details about their sex life.

Nami sighed. “Then again, they’ve all heard you fuck me with a jackhammer dick.” What a cursed sequence of words. “Not much to keep tucked after that.”

Luffy folded his arms with that wrinkly pouty face that made him look like a cantankerous old man.

“What are you mad about, now?” Nami asked, trying not to smile at how cute and silly she found his various facial expressions.

“...You’ve been doing it all this time and didn’t even tell me the name.”

Nami ran her hand over her eye with a half-smile, half-glower, hopelessly lost and without a compass to navigate the conversation with. “Luffy, you cannot be serious right now.”

“It’s a technique! A really cool technique and it feels awesome! How am I supposed to appreciate it without some sort of label?!”

“Oh my God, you are actually mad about this.”

As if to confirm it, he nodded aggressively. “Why do you think I name my attacks?! Word association! You get mad at me when I say I wanna go to the cool place with the lasers or the marshmallows or the rocks that look like butts-”

Luffy stood up, his hands folded on his hips, rocking a face that Nami could only assume was his approximation of her scolding glare. “‘These islands have names, Luffy!’ ‘I can’t remember everything, Luffy!’ It’s the same thing!”

Sure, the logic was surprisingly sound. But no. Nami got up and matched his energy.

“JUST ASK ME TO SUCK YOUR DICK, YOU MORON!”

“THAT’S AN INSULT TO THE CRAFT!!!!!!”

A sound that resembled a tea kettle left Nami’s lips. The pressure made her eyes balloon. And then she laughed. And laughed. And laughed until she had to sit back down and bury her head into her desk. When she looked back up, Luffy was sitting as well, and still peeved.

“Fine,” she said with a giggle. “For future reference, I will properly name all sexual techniques that I enact upon you.”

“Thank you, navigator,” Luffy replied. The very next second, he laughed. “It’s a stupid name, though.”

Nami swung her hands up. “...You did all that for a name you don’t even like?”

Luffy’s brows ridged like he couldn’t comprehend her confusion. “What? It’s dumb. ‘Blowjob.’ It’s a funny word, sure, but what even is it? You’re not blowing on my dick, you’re sucking it!”

“Suckjob sounds gross, though.”

Nami slapped her hand over her mouth.

Good God.

She was really debating this. Maybe Chopper was right — Fifth Gear Dick was having prolonged effects on her brain.

“And job?” Oh, Monkey D. Luffy was on a roll, now. “Now it just sounds like work. It doesn’t seem fun at all…” That frown friskily turned upside down. “And trust me, you deeeeeeffffinitely look like you’re havin’ fun when you do it.”

A streak of crimson as red as Luffy’s cardigan washed over Nami’s face. She could only look away and bite her bottom lip. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not…but it’s just a name, and it’s been around forever.”

Luffy didn’t acknowledge her, instead staring intently at the ceiling. As much as Nami wanted to pull her hair out, she couldn’t deny the hilarity of it all, the many ridiculous ways his earnestness spilled into everything.

“Mouth Cannon.”

He had spoken it in a low whisper, like the words had been touched down to him by God.

Nami blinked.

“...What.”

“Mouth Cannon.” Luffy repeated with a proud smile. “It’s perfect!”

“Luffy, not only is that the most unsexy way of describing something unbelievably sexy, it still doesn’t make sense.”

“Nuh-uh! It makes total sense.”

Nami raised her index finger, presenting her case. “First of all, I’m not attacking your dick.”

A lavicious smirk crept onto Luffy’s face, and the second Nami picked up his trajectory she swelled her cheeks in a half-heated attempt to thwart her smile and threateningly pointed at him.

“Shut. Up.”

The grin widened. “I mean…”

She slapped the desk and looked straight ahead, mostly to gather herself but also to resist her growing urge to provide a more substantive physical demonstration. For educational purposes.

“All I’m saying is, it poses the same mechanical issues that you have with ‘blowjob.’ A canon blasts things. Actually, your-”

Nami stopped herself. Absolutely nothing good was going to come out of whatever she was going to say next. Literally, in some contexts.

“Fair, fair,” Luffy said, appearing to not catch where she was headed. A snap of his fingers came next. “Mouth Wave!”

“Next.”

“Oh, c’mon!” Luffy kicked his feet and thrust back against the couch’s cushions. “I bet Nojiko wasn’t this stingy with Sanji about this stuff.”

A lightning bolt struck Nami, which was peculiar given that the air pressure hadn’t dropped in hours. And Zeus was locked somewhere in her cleavage storage, not in enemy hands.

“I beg your fucking pardon?”

Luffy slapped both of his hands over his mouth, the air of dread pumping into his eyes. 

“Uh, um, well, y’know. His…recipes!”

Time around Nami stilled. She stood up, grabbed Luffy’s entire ear and dragged him behind her, marching to the library’s door and kicking it open. Her trek took her down the stairs and across the Sunny’s deck until she reached the kitchen and entered that room the same way she had exited the library. Sure enough, there was the blonde chef, flinching at her violent arrival.

“Hey, Nami…?” Sanji asked, setting his knife down on the cutboard lined with perfectly trimmed kielbasa slices. 

With a treacherously innocent smile, Nami walked past the dining table until only a foot separated the two of them. “Hey, Sanji! Y’know, Luffy here said something very interesting just now!”

Sanji gasped, but it took only a few seconds for him to shift his gaze to Luffy, angrily. “Luffy, you fucking-!”

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO!” Luffy pleaded.

“Well, I’m gonna very much mean to kick your ass in a minute!” Sanji growled.

“Oh, you are gonna have to recover from what I do to you first, Black Leg,” Nami warned, her voice suddenly going colder than the freezer behind Sanji.

The intonation made both Sanji and Luffy’s breath hitch. The blonde chef raised his hands in pleading. “Nami, wait, I can…”

“Isn’t it cool, though, Nami?” Luffy asked, his sense of the room dissolving. “You and your sister, and me and our crewmate! Tell her, Sanji! We're-”

Sanji kicked Luffy in the back of the head, which aided Nami’s fist in connecting with the front of his face. And then they both grabbed him, marched to the door, tossed him outside and slammed it shut.

“You two better behave in there! Captain’s order!” Luffy warned from behind the door.

Nami turned to Sanji and looked him directly in his eyes. “Talk.”

There were none of his usual goofy smiles or swoons, just Sanji desperately trying to gather his words in front of a seething woman. He chose to retreat into a cigarette, and Nami folded her arms and gave him the moment to do so.

“So…” Sanji began with a slow exhale. “I don’t know how much Luffy said, but to be clear…yes, Nojiko and I…”

“Nojiko, as in my sister,” Nami hissed.

“O-Older sister,” Sanji said, and that designation and what it insinuated just stoked Nami’s flames higher. Sanji slid a step back. “I-I didn’t plan it, and I didn’t pursue her-”

“Sanji, you pursue literally every woman with a pulse and a slim waist.”

“T-True…” he replied with a sardonic chuckle. “And after all my usual flirting, I thought that was it. But then, after Arlong was defeated, and everybody was celebrating, I was taking a quick smoke break from grilling, and then she just…”

He paused, gesturing his hands around to try saying it without saying it. Until…

“...Grabbed you, said something very clever and very sexy, dragged you away and had her way with you,” Nami flatly completed.

“...That’s the long and short of it, yeah.”

Nami leaned her shoulder against the doorframe, sighing a metric ton of weight from out of herself. “If there was one thing Bellemère taught the both of us, it was how to go after what the fuck we wanted. And Nojiko has a thing for..”

She swung her hand up and down towards Sanji. “What?” he asked.

“Giggly guys.”

“Heh, yeah. Definitely.”

Nami pointed at Sanji, but more sassy than angry. “I didn’t say you can laugh.”

Sanji fidgeted while Nami lifted herself away from the door and planted her feet firmly to the floor. “Look, I’m not mad that you did it…for the most part. I know how you are, I definitely know how Nojiko is, and she’s a grown ass woman who definitely turned your skinny ass out.”

“Oh-”

“-Aht! But what I’m mad about, is you did it, and had two years to tell me about it, and didn’t say a word.”

“She said-”

“Not to tell me? Sure. Probably. But just ‘cause she’s my big sister doesn’t mean she’s always right.”

Sanji hummed with genuine surprise.

“I mean, fuck, it’s one thing if it was, like Zoro — shit, I probably would’ve preferred to never know that.” For a brief second she recalled Nojiko imploring her to “nurse Zoro back to health” and immediately deleted the memory from her brain. “But you have the nerve to be in love with me while hiding the fact that you fucked my sister? What happened to that gentleman shit, huh?”

Sanji raised his lighter, but flickered the flame at nothing in particular and sighed without any smoke. “Nami, I was…I’ve never been…”

Nami cocked her head to the side, genuinely curious of where Sanji’s train of thought was going.

With a quick, tension-clearing shrug, he said it. 

“I was never in love with you.”

“Huh?!”

Nami had rarely been so flabbergasted. 

“Sanji, literally every day you’ve seen me from the time we met until last week, I don’t think a single one of those passed without you professing your love for me.”

“But, Nami-”

“Like, your idea of good morning is, ‘Nami-swan, run away with me and be mine forever and always!’” She even managed to sprout the hearts in her eyes.

“...And what do I say to Robin?”

The hearts vanished.

“You…” Nami backed away, unable to find her point. “Huh. Shit.”

Assuming his permission had been silently granted, Sanji laughed. “You said it yourself. It’s just what beautiful women like you, your sister and Robin do to me. It’s damn near a reflex at this point.”

Nami frowned. This should have been a relief for various reasons, but instead she felt deflated and crabby. “Well damn, there was nothing special about me at all?”

Sanji reached out in a panic. “Oh no, no, no, no. Nami-swan, you are an angel.” He grabbed her hand…and Nami immediately pulled back with a scowl that she immediately realized probably just confused the poor bastard.

“Sorry! But what makes you special is that you’re a dear friend…” With a nervous smile he added, “...And possibly, proximity…”

And there went all the good will again. “SANJI.”

“That didn’t come out right…” But then, Sanji’s swirly eyebrow jumped upwards. “Wait a sec…is this all you trying to say that you did have feelings at some point?”

“Nope.” It came out with all the casual insensitivity of the man she actually loved. And hit Sanji like a bullet. “But you know me by now, I have an ego! I’ll admit, I do string you along a little for the special treatment.”

Sanji dropped to his knees and clasped his hands. “And I promise I will gladly let you string me along for as long as I am ably-bodied and unworthy of your grace and forgiveness!”

It really was like a reflex. Nami rolled her eyes, but with affection. “I do forgive you, Sanji. You and Nojiko were just trying not to make things weird. You weren’t trying to get one over on me — you’re just a pig, is all.”

“Aww, c’mon, Nami-”

“Aht! You didn’t let me finish. You are an impossibly kind-hearted, selfless, and generous pig who cooks the best goddamn chicken parmesan sandwich I’ve ever eaten.” Sanji’s lips started to quiver. And just for fun, Nami’s smile took on a certain edge…possibly the edge she learned from Bellemère and Nojiko. “And for what it’s worth, I’ve always been comfortable stringing you along, because you are very handsome.”

Sanji floated to the ceiling.

“NAMI-SWAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!”

He descended with his arms spread out and his dopey-love-sick grin spread twice as wide. “Oh Nami, my sweet, I knew you loved me!”

She jumped out of the way, but did break his fall and patted his shoulder. “Relax.”

With legs like a tornado, Sanji spun to the kitchen. “I SHALL BEGIN PREPARING YOU AND ROBIN’S DINNER, MY DARLING!”

“Thanks, Sanji!” she said, giggling at how he spun around the kitchen, practically pulling the many ingredients and utensils in like a vortex of love.

Hmmm…..

Nami left the kitchen and found Luffy at the center of the deck, laying down on the grass with his hands tucked behind his head. “Hey, Nami! You and Sanji good, now?”

She shrugged, laying down next to laying down next to him on the grass. His right arm instantly came down around her shoulders and pulled her closer. “Yeah, yeah, we’re solid. It was just Nojiko being Nojiko and Sanji being Sanji.”

Luffy locked his ankle around the back of Nami’s heel. “That was his first time, too!”

Nami cackled. “Nojiko? His first time?! He’s lucky to even be alive right now.”

“Sheesh!”

Nami looked up at the sky, a color the same shade as her sister’s hair looming above her as her clearest guide to the path ahead. Not a day passed by where she didn’t miss Nojiko and Cocoyashi Village, but thanks to the man beside her, she knew that she’d be fine, and they would be fine, and it didn’t matter how far away she traveled. At the moment, the only thing on her mind was the air surrounding her…which coincidentally, was developing a strengthening wind current.

That brought an idea back that sprung earlier in the kitchen. She turned to Luffy, staring until he caught on and gave her his attention.

“What’s up?”

Nami made sure the next two words came out clearly.

“Mouth Vortex.”

“Huh?”

Luffy forgetting their conversation in the library was a legitimate possibility, so started from the top. “It makes more sense than Mouth Cannon.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” Luffy said, nodding in understanding. “Damn, you really thought about it, huh?”

“I’m just saying. A vortex. There’s circulation, airflow, shifts in pressure.” She lifted her hands and made a circular motion to demonstrate. “It’s pulling things in…”

Luffy’s mouth slowly drew open with wonder…

“SUCKING THEM IN!” 

Nami cringed and looked around, confirming nobody was nearby. She did feel a swell of pride over Luffy connecting the dots, though.

“Holy crap, Nami, you’re a genius!” Just as quick as he marveled at her, though, he laughed at her.

“Hey, what’s so funny?”

“You thought about sex with weather stuff!” Luffy howled.

Nami scowled, her cheeks flaring up at Luffy’s amusement. “You think about sex with fighting stuff! And food.” The less said about the latter, the better.

Luffy wrapped his other arm around Nami and giggled into her neck, and that was all the work it took to eradicate whatever annoyance she had with him.

“You’re just as weird as me!” Luffy with a nip of her ear.

“I am not!” Nami argued, but through giggles. With her free hand, she pushed back. “And for the record, blowjob is still a better term.”

Luffy made that smirk. Imperceivable to most, but very perceivable to Nami and injecting a heat directly into her chest. “Show me, then. Gimme a whole demonstration.”

Nami’s eyesight immediately found the women’s quarters, and then she looked down at Luffy with her smirk, one that was a level even beyond the one she gave Sanji. “Well, seeing as how Robin’s hanging out in the Aquarium…I believe class is in session, Captain.”

Luffy swung his fists into the sky. “YEAH! MOUTH VORTEEEEEEEXXXXX!”

His enthusiasm was met with Nami’s hand covering his mouth.

“Quiet, Luffy. Have you learned nothing?”

Luffy scratched the side of his head.

“What was there to learn?”

FIN