Archive of Our Own

“You have somehow become worse than Sanji.”

“No way.”

“Yes way. And really? It’s my fault. Of course the greediest man alive would be a horndog.”

Nami had been sitting on the cushions of the Aquarium bar, her alternate spot for when she wanted to get things done but didn’t want to be bugged in the two places most would expect to find her. But she just had to go and pick the boyfriend with observation haki.

Said boyfriend was sitting next to her, tugging her arm with a pleading look in eyes beneath his straw hat that was dangerously close to winning her over and turning the half-finished notes in the book lying on the table before her a distant memory. 

“You’re right, it is your fault,” Luffy said, with a bit of a whine in his voice. “‘Cause now, you’re like, right there with meat.”

Nami snatched her arm away with a glare that was only partially theatric. “What do you mean, just ‘right there’?!”

Luffy shrugged with a knavish smile. “I’m insatiable, not a liar.”

With a genuine gasp, Nami folded her arms with a proud smile. “Whoa, Luffy, look at you with the vocabulary!”

Just as proud of himself, Luffy laughed. “Yeah, Robin said it to me the other day.”

“I’m not even gonna ask why,” she said, picking up her pen and tapping it in lieu of actually writing what she needed to. “I guess just about everybody on the ship knows now that you’re hooked on Nami.”

Referring to herself in third-person? Crude. But it was her most accurate assessment. And just to validate it, Luffy lunged and buried his face in the crook of her neck; between his natural body heat and her own rising body heat she started working up a sweat.

“Can ya blame me?” he asked with a husk, and really, the obvious smell of tabasco sauce and baked beans on his breath should’ve just been a turn off and yet it was somehow working her up even more.

“N-No,” she stammered, nudging him away. He pouted, but shifted his weight so his back was against the cushion and opted to rest his head on her shoulder. “You’re very privileged that your first experience with sex was with me. I wasn’t as blessed.”

“Well duh, you can’t bang yourself,” Luffy retorted, and as soon as Nami snorted a laugh, he got tripped up. “Wait, you kinda can. Shit.”

“Luffy, you have learned way too much,” she joked. No reply, so Nami just resumed her notes and basked in the comfort his presence and warmth brought. She scribbled along in peaceful silence until…

“Do you do that with the Clima-Tact?”

He asked it like a detective initiating his interrogation.

Nami squeezed the pen so tight, it cracked just slightly. Maintaining a neutral face became a nigh-impossibility.

“Luffy, you have until the count of five to give me a reason not to stab you in the eye. FOUR.”

“What?!” Luffy asked, backing away. “It was just a question!”

Nami raised the pen with menace.  “A question I wanna know why the fuck it came out of your mouth!”

Luffy slid further away, trying to resist with his hands. “Zoro made a joke about it so I was wonderin’ if it was true!”

Nami stilled. Of course. With clarity, she lowered the pen. “Zoro, huh?” Her expression withered into a pitch-black scowl. “Well, when you get back to the men’s room, tell Three-Swords-Up-His-Sphincter that he owes me 10,000 Berries.”

“What’s a sphincter?”

The question dropped a 5-pound weight on Nami’s shoulders and made her sink. “Oh my God, can you please ask me a normal question if you plan on staying here?”

“Alright, alright,” Luffy grumbled, resting his chin in both hands as he gave the request some real thought, which just made Nami intrigued against all common sense.

“What was your first time like?” he finally asked, leaning back and relaxing.

It was the question she had been hoping he would ask before…Clima-Dildo. Now that they were there, she took a deep breath. “It was about a year before I met you guys. I had botched a robbery and was feeling sorry for myself.”

A grin snuck up on Luffy’s face. “Oh, you have got to tell me about that part.”

Nami rolled her eyes, shaking her head with a sideways smirk. “Ugh, fine. It’s so ridiculous.”

“Go on…”

She slumped her head into her fist.

“I was trying to rob this merchant’s mansion. Still fell under my ‘pirates only’ rules since he was affiliated. And I went in disguise as…” she snorted a laugh. “A butler.”

Luffy was immediately as alert as she had ever seen him. “Did you wear a suit?!”

“I wore a suit.”

He folded his arms and crossed his legs, his attention without divide. “Oh, this is great already!”

Nami tucked her lips in embarrassment. “A suit, a wig, and a beard…”

She didn’t even care that she was giving his grin fuel to stretch past his ears. “Please tell me you have pictures of this!”

“If I did, I would’ve remembered burning them. But it was perfect. At worst, I just looked like an artsy twink.” Yes, she was aware Luffy likely didn’t know what a twink was. “I’d already snagged me a few jewels and he let me into his vault room where the real candy was; but something about the insulation made me fire off the worst sneeze of my entire life. Beard came flying off.”

Her captivated audience-of-one started clapping. “Awwww man, you blew it, huh?!”

“Literally. I was so embarrassed I just gave back the other jewels and got the fuck out of there.” The memory was honest-to-god making her blood vessels swell and she slammed her fist into her palm. “I had planned that for a whole week. Scoped him out, duped the staffing agency, the whole nine; all gone ‘cause of some bad air. I was piiiiisssssed. I found the nearest bar and tried to cry into as many mugs of whisky as I could.”

Reliving it brought Nami right back into her frame of mind at the time and she slumped over in her seat. “And that’s when I started doing the math. That mansion was gonna be a 20-million-berry haul. I don’t think I had ever felt closer to a hundred-million than that. After that…the number felt bigger than ever. I started thinking about how little I’d gotten myself in seven years, and how much was left. How many years I’d still be stuck doing jobs to pay Arlong off.”

Sensing the vibe shift in the room, Luffy leaned just close enough that he wasn’t hovering over her. 

“I figured, if I was gonna be stuck doing this thing I hated for 20 years, 30 years, who knew…I oughta at least have one night where I did something just for me. Like, I was seventeen. God knows I’d already seen Nojiko bring some guys to her place. So…yeah.” 

The smell of lingering alcohol in the aquarium made the memory all the more real; the same as it had been that night, actually. “There was a guy, he’d been checking me out half the night. Looked good enough, was nice enough, too.” She giggled. “His brother was actually a pirate. He was in town trying to get some oysters one of his brother’s crewmates stole from him.”

“Was he good?”

Nami tapped her pen. “Eh. He was alright, I guess. Kinda awkward. When it was over, my mind went straight back to the hundred million, so that probably says it all.”

“Did you help him get the oysters back?”

Nami’s eyebrow flopped up to the top of his orange hairline. She reminded herself that this was Luffy. “...No.” Then came a fidget of shame. “Actually, I may or may not have snatched some money from his wallet before I left.”

That shudders grew faster as Luffy smirk grew wider and his laughs grew louder. “Oh, c’mon, Nami!”

Nami swung her hands up. “I needed something to get my way back with! And if it meant adding a temporary immediate-family amendment to my ‘pirates-only’ rule, then so be it!”

“Damn, it’s like you charged him to-”

Before he could finish that sentence, Nami squeezed his lips. “Luffy, shut up.”

When she let go, Luffy plopped his feet on the table. “So…you know what you’ve gotta do, right?”

Nami narrowed her eyes, unsure of where he was headed. “What, have sex with you to prove something? Trust me, he wasn’t even in your-”

“I’m not talkin’ about that,” Luffy interrupted like even the suggestion was ridiculous. “The robbery. You gotta do it over!”

As he had done just about every day since he first fell out of the sky and landed in front of her, Luffy had left Nami genuinely baffled.

“...huh? That’s your takeaway?”

“Well duh, that’s the part that actually mattered. I mean, look at you. You’re clearly still pissed about it.” He pointed at her face in case she didn’t understand.

Nami looked down, feeling stark naked and not in the way that would’ve sent Luffy over the moon moments prior. It was then that she realized her fists had been balled up, and from how pink her palms were they had been that way for a while.

“Okay, yeah, but that was three years ago; shit, might as well have been three lifetimes ago.” In the ways that mattered, it kinda was, even. “Nothing I can do about it, now.”

“Nothing you can do but redeem yourself!” Luffy replied, his eyes sparking with wonder and ideas. Oh no. “If I know anything besides meat, it’s what makes you really mad. Tiniest little slip-ups and you’re ready to blow up the whole ship.”

All Nami could do was sway her body from side to side, trying to resist Luffy’s shockingly air-tight logic. “Sure, yeah. But like, isn’t your whole thing not dwelling on old shit? It’s not that big of a deal…”

“Not that big of a deal?” Luffy got up and slammed his fist on the table. “WHERE’S YOUR BURGLAR’S PRIDE?!”

The first thing Nami did was glare at Luffy in bewilderment. But the sight of his fierce, sturdy eyes, and that omnipresent conviction behind him stirred something else entirely inside her. She stood up, firm as the boards of wood beneath her.

“Y’know what? You’re right!” Nami declared. Spit flung from growling teeth as she manically clenched her fists. “If that asshole had just done some fuckin’ maintenance on his stupid mansion I woulda had it. Right there.”

Luffy punched Nami’s pen on the table, snapping it in half. “EXACTLY!”

Lucidity made a brief return to Nami as she looked at the pen and then back to her boyfriend. “Luffy, Luffy — that was my fucking pen.”

Luffy panicked, grabbing the two broken pieces and trying to smush them back together. “O-Oh, my bad-”

Nami set his hands down. “...Whatever, i-it’s fine. But the mansion. That was all the way in East Blue, so it’s not like we can-”

“Let’s find a new one then!”

Nami nodded along, adrenaline surging as she got a head start on the planning stage. “Yeah, yeah. And we’re headed for a pretty good supply stop and I kinda, sorta, maybe subconsciously researched the most lucrative residents already…”

“So we already got targets!”

Nami vigorously nodded and sat down, flipping a few pages back in her notebook. Luffy sat down right next to her, staring at the paper like it contained the directions to Laugh Tale. “Targets, targets, yes…” Nami muttered as she scanned her notes.

“But more importantly…” Luffy’s lips quivered in anticipation. “...The butler costumes!”

Not even looking up, Nami replied, “Most household staffing agencies have specific styles of uniforms, so we can’t just put on any old suit. We’ll need to steal those first and foremost, so we’ll need a good cover to get in…”

“Another disguise!” Luffy blurted out.

Her breath growing ragged, Nami looked up, grabbed Luffy, and pulled him into a heated kiss. When she broke it off, he seemed more confused than aroused. 

“Yes! That’s brilliant, Luffy!”

“Uh….thanks.”

“You kinda suck at lying, but we can bring in a third person…”

“Usopp! I’m sure he’d cook up something great!”

Nami shook her head, loosening her grip on his cardigan. “No, no…”

“Why not? We’re tryin’ to pull off a lie and that’s his speciality!”

“Usopp’s an entertaining liar, but he’s not a good liar. He’ll overplay his hand immediately.”

“Meh, works on me…” Luffy muttered. “How about…”

“ROBIN!” Nami blurted out.

“Damn, I was gonna say Chopper.”

Nami briefly flashed out of her haze to glare at Luffy in astonishment. “That was a joke, right?”

Luffy darted his eyes back and forth anxiously. “Uh…yeah!”

That was a good enough answer to send Nami right back into heist mode. She took the broken front of the end of the pen and tapped against the book while her mind raced through her warming body. And it was warming in, erm, those areas, too. “Robin, Robin, Robin…yeah, she’ll definitely cook something up. So we get her, we steal the uniforms, and then…”

Nami grabbed both ends of his cardigan and yanked him close until their noses were almost touching. “And then we rob some rich fuck for all he’s worth!”

“Uh, y-yeah, sure…!” Luffy said with an uneasy laugh as Nami started heaving into him. “But, um, Nami, quick question.”

“Yeah?” She asked, her voice 90% breath.

“...Is planning a heist making you horny?!”

Something snapped.

“No.”

Nami shoved Luffy onto his back on the couch and climbed on top of him, straightening her grip on his cardigan and sizing him up with nothing but desire.

“Planning a heist with you is making me horny.”

Luffy barely had enough time to yell “Woo-hoo!” before Nami had him entrenched in an epic battle of tongues and lips…

Nami stood on the deck rocking a frilly, floral-patterned dress and a blue ribbon in her newly-straightened hair so she could look like a teenager, but felt more like a grade schooler. Her ledger carrying some necessary equipment was fashioned more like an expensive leather purse. Luffy, meanwhile, looked less like a pirate and more like the heir-apparent to an oil company hanging out at a country club in his navy-blue polo shirt tucked into salmon-colored khaki shorts and brown, leather boat shoes in lieu of his usual sandals. Make-up convincingly concealed the scar under his left eye. 

His skin was crawling with every passing second, which Nami found unbelievably adorable.

And from the women’s quarters, emerged a man who lived and breathed “status.” Tall, and slim, rocking an immaculate black & purple three-pieced suit with nary a wrinkle or a stitch out of place, moving with a stride that exuded confidence but just the slightest command for attention; because to this man attention was respect, and respect was currency. Hair jet-black and slicked-back, mustache thick and deflating the masculinity of every man within a 20 mile radius, and shades reflecting the sun’s rays with nary a regard for nearby eyesight.

Who was this dashing rogue of a man? Well, it wasn’t a man at all.

Nami, jaw slack and eyes rigid, lazily tapped Luffy on his shoulder. “Uh…Luffy…you know I love you, right?”

“Thanks! But why are you sayin’ it?”

She gulped as she took in the sight of the imposing figure approaching her.

“...Because guy-Robin is hot.”

Luffy flinched with a frown. “Yeah, but ‘he’s’ your dad-”

Nami clawed his shoulder. “Let me have this!”

The “man” was indeed the Straw Hats’ resident female archaeologist, Nico Robin, who had apparently seen the task as an opportunity to win over the biggest casting director across the Grand Line because holy shit. She halted her impressive gait when she reached her two crewmates and gasped in delight, arms spread wide.

“Look at you two! My babies, the apples of my eye. Feels like just yesterday when you two were in diapers and fightin’ over ya mother’s tits.”

Nami and Luffy looked at each other, then at Robin, and then at each other again with awkward smiles. The voice that had come from Robin’s mouth was about two octaves deeper with an accent that made the couple feel like they were back on Whole Cake Island and planning the wedding infiltration with Capone Bege — as suave as it was rough, and treating all “r-” sounds like a suggestion.

Struck with awe, Nami pet the fabric of Robin’s sleeves. “Robin, holy shit-”

“Aht!” Robin snapped, swiping Nami’s hand away with sharp precision. “I am not Nico Robin. I am DeVito D’Angelo, a shippin’ tycoon who went from sweepin’ the floors at the loadin’ docks when he was just thirteen years old —” the soft sound placed on the “t-” syllable in teen, like she was chewing on it, made Nami squeak a laugh — “to runnin’ the whole shebang. I might look like bourgeois but the collar of my soul is still blue and the blood in my veins is still red.”

Nami had to cover her mouth to conceal her amazement. 

“And though I am an upstanding, ethical businessman who has only ever operated inside the law, I got friends,” She lowered her face until her dark eyes were just slightly visible beneath the shades. “Friends that most don’t got to meet as long as they don’t give me a reason to acquaint ‘em.”

“Man, this is awesome!” Luffy snickered. Robin rubbed “her” hand through his hair.

“Of course it is, Nicky,” D’Angelo Robin replied. “That’s why you’re my son. My shy son who doesn’t say much unless sufficiently spoken to.”

“What?!” Luffy whined. “C’mon, I wanna talk, too! See look, I even got-a me an accent, too-a!”

Nami snorted with laughter and even Robin briefly broke character to join in. 

“And that’s exactly why you say little,” Nami replied.

“Dilligent as always, Sophia,” Robin regaled. “I may have spoiled you rotten, but you’ve kept your eye sharp. You’ve got that DeVito ingenuity.”

“Thank you, father.” She got mid-nod before she slapped her hand over her mouth and rolled her eyes. Oh, she was into it now, too.

Robin grabbed both of Nami’s cheeks with both of her hands and pulled into a chaste kiss to her forehead. Luffy got the same treatment.

“Now, let’s show these cocksuckers how the DeVito Family does business, eh?”

The trio exited the Sunny, but unbeknownst to them, they had a pair of long-nosed and blue-nosed spectators sitting by the Sunny’s grove.

“What are they doing?” Chopper asked.

“I dunno,” Usopp replied, with just a smidge of crankiness. “But it looks like they’re running some sort of con.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun! Robin looks so cool!” Chopper marveled.

Usopp snorted in resentment. “Yeah, ‘cool.’ Apparently too cool for me, though.”

“What’s wrong?”

Unable to stay a good sport, Usopp got up and swung his arms towards the exiting trio. “It’s my whole thing! I’m the liar of the crew! Granted, lying was a crucial part of the skillsets Nami and Robin needed to survive — but they do it out of necessity. I do it for the LOVE! The art! The sustenance of the crippling cycle of imposter syndrome! And they’re freezing me out.”

“Huh,” Chopper replied, his face slowly darkening. “Yeah, that is mean, now that you say it like that!”

His mind resolute, Usopp narrowed his eyes. “Chopper, fetch me one of my costumes.”

The reindeer frollicked with anticipation. “Ooh, are we gonna join in?!”

A sinister smirk spread across Usopp’s face. “Yes. Yes, we are…whether they want us to, or not.”

Entering the doors of Marcell’s Housekeeping was a six-foot-two big shot moving like he was arriving at one of his branches, followed by an aloof orange-haired girl more preoccupied with her bubble gum than her surroundings, and a meek boy whose head seemed permanently stuck in a crouched position. The girl walked over to the far left corner of the building, which was coincidentally right across from where the desk left a clear path to the back.

A pretty, youthful brunette with blue eyes, probably not much older than Nami, sat at the front desk in the middle of eating from a bento box and Nami could see just in the way she briefly stilled at the sight of “D’Angelo” that they had arrived in the right place.

“Um, hi,” the secretary said, her voice somewhat labored. “Welcome to Marcell’s Housekeeping.”

“Hello, hello,” Robin said with splendour as she approached the desk. “I’m DeVito D’Angelo, and from the sound of it, you’re the lovely voice I spoke with over the Transponder Snail this morning?”

“Oh! Yes, of course,” the secretary replied with a nervous chuckle before gesturing to the seats behind the three. “Please, make yourself welcome.”

“Oh no, no, it’s okay,” Robin said with a dismissive wave. “Worked on my feet for ten years before I hit the boardrooms; what’s ten minutes, right?”

She let out a loud, boisterous laugh, and the secretary sheepishly followed. As did Luffy. Nami stepped on his foot.

Robin pressed her hands against the desk. “So anyway, here’s the deal. I’m gonna be staying in my beach property while I do business here over the next six weeks. Your little island’s a cargo extravaganza, y’know. And y’see, my two kids here — Sophia, Nicky-”

They both waved, Nami aggressively blowing her gum bubble with a hard-edged, arrogant stare, like she was judging her at every passing second. After getting an awkward head nod in response, Nami spotted a rack of cleaning supplies and a couple of doors behind her — one, a bathroom, the other an open door leading to what appeared to be a hallway. No adible footsteps or idle voices, which worked heavily in her favor.

“They’re good kids, really. But while looks may carry over, I’m not so sure about work ethic. It’s hard to find an establishment with staff cut out to meet their many, many needs, and the workload’s only gotten worse since…” Robin froze, breathing a deep sigh and looking away from the desk. “My wife…”

The secretary’s eyes widened with concern. “Oh no! What happened?”

Robin dismissively waved her hand. “Heh, believe me, it’d be a lot easier on me if it was what you think. Apparently, she wanted less of me and more of her,” she performed air quotes, “Yoga instructor.”

An appalled gasp rang from the secretary. “Nooooo. I’m so sorry…”

Nami and Luffy looked at each other, silently asking “Can you believe this?” Seeing something to add to it, Nami cleared her throat.

“That bitch can drown for all I care,” seethed the so-called daughter.

“Sophia!” Robin snapped, addressing her with a passionately pointed finger. “Regardless of how I feel about her, that is your mother!”

Nami sucked in her smirk. Robin had taken the bait perfectly.

“She’s at that age where she wears her emotions on her sleeve, y’know?” Robin said, resuming her sermon to the spellbound secretary. “But all’s this to say, I need butlers from an agency that knows quality like the back of its owner’s hand, and can I just say something?”

She gestured to the walls — gold, ornamental-patterned and lined with paintings of historical figures that the real Robin recognized instantly, and then pointed at the meticulously organized desk in front of her.

“When I see this place, I see quality, I see taste, I see an attention to fine detail.” Robin leaned in closer with eyes for her name tag, and the secretary leaned in too. “Jeanie, is it?” The secretary nodded. “I don’t presume that this is your work?”

Jeanie gently rubbed her chest, a subtle red blush coloring her features as she looked away with a pleasant giggle. “Y-Yes, it is. Thank you…”

“Y’know, I said looks carry over, but not work ethic.” Robin lowered her head until her eyes were visible underneath her shades. “But when somebody manages to pull off both, that’s more impressive than anything.”

The squeaky sigh that Jeanie made was just what Nami wanted to hear; but while she leaned in close to Robin, her peripheral vision didn't seem compromised enough for Nami's full comfort. She slid slightly forward to test the waters, and that’s when she heard a sound that had become very familiar to her over the last few months for…reasons. Specifically, Luffy drooling.

“Luffy…?!” she aggressively whispered.

Nami had trained herself to follow Luffy’s line of sight in case he became fixated with something that could get her and anybody else in the vicinity killed, and right now his eyes were on the bento box on the front desk. And instead of drifting to the end of the desk leading to the back doors, he was heading straight, completely on autopilot. She tried grabbing him, but he slid away as if dipped in oil. 

In the middle of Robin and Jeanie’s conversation, Luffy butt in and started hovering over the latter. Jeanie looked up at him with a face full of questions — and that's when Nami's eyes lit up. Intentional or not, it was really just an additional distraction, so she contnued her drift past the desk.

“Ya lost or somethin’, Nicky?” Robin asked, a rambunctious smirk present. “Ahh, unless you got somethin’ you want to say to Ms. Jeanie here…”

“I-I-I…” Luffy stammered, his accent jumping in three different directions with each stutter. “I smell a spicy meat-a ball…!”

The room filled with silence.

Nami slapped her hand over her mouth. To stop from growling…and laughing. That was awful.

As Jeanie’s eyebrow began its ascent, Robin erupted with laughter. “Ahh, Nicky!” She gestured her thumb at Luffy and leaned closer to Jeanie. “He spends his summers with his grandfather in the old country. Thinks that accent will get him more in touch with his culture!”

Jeanie laughed too, leaving Luffy to pout like a grouch with his arms wrapped tight. He looked straight up across at his just barely-keeping-it-together girlfriend, who quickly ducked just in case Jeanie turned around.

“Oh, um, Nicky right?” Jeanie asked, staying put. “I wasn’t gonna eat it all, so it’s okay if you-”

Luffy picked up the whole box, opened it, and started scarfing everything down in sight. Jeanie’s eyes ballooned at the sight while Robin treated it like a prize fight and she was the winning bettor.

“Look at ‘im go!” Robin yelled, patting him on the back as he engorged himself. “A growin’ boy, this one!”

With Jeanie’s attention fully occupied on Luffy’s bottomless pit of an appetite, Nami finally slid into the back hallway. She leaned back against the wall and did a sweep just to be absolutely certain nobody else was around. Once that was done, she giggled against her own arm. Robin was entirely too into the character and entirely too good at it. It was perfect. And Luffy, as off-schedule but on-time as always.

She snuck down the hallway, flinching at the sound of a particularly explosive Robin-as-D’Angelo laugh. Door number one? The main office. She slid in and approached the desk, considerably messier than Jeanie’s up front. Amongst the clutter was a folder labeled “Client Dispatch.” Though she had independently researched wealthy residents, picking from the actual client list was crucial. 

The first few pages yielded unimpressive clients, but then she flipped on one for a fellow by the name of Mathers Marshall, a retired public servant. It included the square footage of his household, which was big enough that Nami’s eyes reflexively sprouted jewels. It had already been marked booked for later today, a dinner event, so what Nami did next was quite simple: she just marked it as cancelled. Then she grabbed a blank piece of paper from the desk, wrote down the necessary address information, and placed it n her ledger.

After leaving the office, she made her way through the halls until she found the room labeled Staff & Storage. It had exactly what she needed, racks and racks of blue butler’s coats with orange trims, white button-ups and black ties. Belts lined with cleaning supplies and utensils. She and Luffy being roughly the same height made her job pretty easy, as she simply grabbed two sets in her size and rolled them up in the way Bellemère taught her that thwarted the need for extra suitcases, enough to fit in the ledger as well. 

In the back of the room stood a desk with badges and credentials. Perfect. To the ledger they went. With her work done, the Cat Burglar slipped away from the staff hall.

“-so then I says, ‘I’d just find a way to grow extra hands and slap you with those, too!’”

Robin was clearly on a roll, and Jeanie was laughing like she’d never heard a funnier joke. Luffy’s mouth was covered in marinara sauce. Not particularly relevant, but worth noting.

Nami tiptoed back to the front lobby, so quietly she should’ve renamed herself the Mouse Burglar. She cleared her throat to announce her presence.

Robin turned around. “Ah, Sophia! I damn near forgot you were there.” She turned back to Jeanie, who was positively glowing in her presence. “Is that what ya do to me, eh, Jeanie?”

She was giggling the way Nami sometimes giggled around Luffy. Good God, it was almost scary how effective Robin was in the role.

“Alright, Mr. DeVito,” Jeanie said, handing Robin a folder. “Here’s a copy of the paperwork for your records.”

“Wonderful, wonderful,” Robin praised as she grabbed the folder. “You’re doin’ so good, Jeanie.”

Nami didn’t miss the subtle way Jeanie bit her bottom lip at that as she tucked her head down. The overwhelmed secretary took a sip of water and looked back up. “On the last page is our contact information…and, mine.”

All Nami could do was mouth the word, “Wow,” as Jeanie pretended to preoccupy herself with the ceiling.

Robin just flashed a debonair smirk. “...Personal info?”

Jeanie threaded her fingers through her hair. “...Yes.”

Two taps of the folder against the desk. “Noted.” 

Robin plopped her hand on Nicky’s shoulder. “Alright, Nicky, you’ve stuffed ya face enough. Let’s check out the town.”

Luffy nodded at Jeanie. “Th-Thanks-a for da meat!”

Just for the road, Robin grabbed Jeanie’s hand and tenderly kissed it. “It’s been a pleasure, Jeanie.”

“I-It was all mine, sir,” she stammered, pulling her hand back, eyes dilated.

Nami just shook her head in awe as she followed Robin and Luffy out the door. “Robin, holy FUCK. That was incredible.”

Being addressed by her name didn’t appear to register to Robin at all, because when she spoke, the accent was still there. “Ya see that? That was one hot piece of ass back there. Ain't that right, Nicky?”

She aggressively slapped Luffy several times on his back, and he just awkwardly laughed in response.

“Ah, c’mooooooon,” Robin jeered. “Loosen up a lil’. If you stopped bein’ so shy all the time, maybe you’d finally get some trim.”

“Robin!” Nami scolded, though she’d been grinning from ear to ear.

“Too much?” Robin asked, her voice back to its usual register and accent and full of amusement.

“No, that was absolutely perfect,” Nami said, opening her ledger and peeking inside. “As for me, I got the uniforms, the credentials, and a client. I even made sure there was no…’double booking,’ shall we say.”

“Excellent.”

“Now let’s just find somewhere to change…” The trio roamed the busy city streets, Nami and Robin both on lookout for a quiet enough alley. Robin nudged at an adequate building with no crowd surrounding it, and Nami led Luffy to the back area.

A couple minutes later, they emerged in identical Marcell’s Housekeeping uniforms, both a perfect fit. Nami had a ponytailed blue wig over her head with a goatee securely attached to her jaw, looking reasonably like a gangly teenage boy milking his first round of facial hair. Luffy wore a burgundy wig stylized as an ugly mullet. 

Robin had been leaning back with one foot against a building's brick wall and smoking a cigar, back in D’Angelo mode. Three girls walked by and slowed down when their eyes caught her.

“How ya doin’?” Robin asked, her voice lowered and accented again. The trio giggled and waved.

“Your power is genuinely amazing,” Nami marveled. “Alright, I’m gonna lock down the location of this address. You guys ready to rock?”

“You know me, I'll be on standby if needed,” Robin said.

“Hell yeah!” Luffy cheered. He slung his arm around Nami’s shoulder and shoved her to his chest. “No sneezin’ this time, right?”

Nami smiled firmly. “Right.”

They headed off, their trail captured within the lens of a specifically targeted pair of binoculars resting atop a specifically long nose. Usopp sat on a paneled rooftop, dressed in an all-white suit and wearing a top hat that stood just high enough to arouse questions. And wearing a long, gray beard, just because. Beside him was Chopper in his reindeer form.

“Butler suits, eh?” Usopp asked, putting the binoculars down.

“What, are they trying to clean somebody’s house to get some extra money?” Chopper asked.

“Oh, they’re trying to clean somebody out, alright,” Usopp snickered. “A housekeeping heist, a classic.”

“So where do we come in?”

Usopp put his goggles on with a confident smile. “We follow their every move and bring chaos to where they think they have a plan. It’s only a matter of time until Luffy messes things up for them, anyway.”

“And then we’re gonna get the loot ourselves?”

“Correct!”

“Nami’s gonna make us give it to her, anyway.”

Usopp slumped his shoulders. “...Yeah, sure. But it’s the principle of the matter, Chopper. Liar’s pride!”

The reindeer gasped, filled with inspiration. “Ah, of course. You’re gonna show them up, I know it!”

“Well of course I am — would you expect anything less from a Brave Warrior of the Sea? Now…let’s show these bozos who’s boss.”

The Mathers mansion was as immense as the file advertised, a finely-carved fortress of rock, wood and geometry that would have had Franky geeking out for hours, guarded by a gate spanning at least forty feet. Nami and Luffy were standing in front of it, the former scanning her eyes around the premises.

“So, uh…we gonna go in, or what?” Luffy asked.

“I'm scoping out escape routes,” Nami replied.

“Nami.”

Luffy sounded annoyed and impatient, which made Nami buckle back. “...What?”

“You know I can just Gum-Gum Rocket us out of here, right?”

Nami groaned, feeling immensely silly. “...I spent most of my jobs like this without a stretchy guy, okay? Cut me some slack.”

“Heh heh, Nami’s dumb.”

Nami bopped him on the head and tapped the transponder snail emanating from the gate. 

“Who is it?” asked a female voice.

“Marcell’s Housekeeping!” Nami answered.

“Ah, of course! Come right in.”

Following a bell sounding off, the gates opened and Nami and Luffy made their trek down the long trail to the mansion; Nami walked with focus while Luffy walked with fascination for the trees, although Nami took the occasional glance at a few pretty floral arrangements, too. It was the kind of scenery she often coveted and resented in the exact same breath growing up.

The front door was already open, a woman who appeared to be in her early 50s waiting at the doorway and wearing a black dress that Nami would definitely have to purchase for herself with the haul they were going to steal in a few minutes.

“Hello, you two!” she called, waving with a glass of wine in her other hand. Nami waved back, though the strength in her hand movements faltered the closer she got and the more the diamond necklace around the woman’s neck came into view and sparkled. When Nami and Luffy reached the doorstep, the woman extended her hand.

“I’m Diane, it’s a pleasure,” she greeted, shaking both of their hands. Nami’s vision locked onto to the necklace, and that’s when Diane giggled. “My eyes are up here, y’know.”

Nami’s eyes jolted up while Luffy giggled next to her; though she kept looking straight ahead, she could practically see his smirk.

“S-Sorry, ma’am,” Nami stammered, lowering her voice just enough as she dug the paperwork out of her ledger and handed it to Diane.

“Ah, I don’t blame you,” Diane said with a hand swipe as she absent-mindedly scanned the forms and passed them back to Nami. “My surgeon did a fabulous job.”

Nami grimaced, unsure whether to be relieved that she didn’t realize she was fawning over the necklace or embarrassed that she thought she was ogling her breasts that rivaled Nami’s own in size but exceeded them in…sturdiness.

Diane turned around. “Marshall, the help is here!”

Lucky for Nami, Diane was still turned around, because being referred to as “the help” made her scowl regardless of the job being a charade.

There was no answer, so Diane shrugged. “Hmph, must be busy. Oh, doing tours is my favorite thing, anyway. Come on in!”

Diane led the way inside the lavish estate, and that’s when Nami went into inspection mode. Not a vase, a painting, a sculpture, or even a dish passed through Nami’s vision without an estimation of its worth.

“Rare you see a house this nice, right?” Diane boasted, sipping her wine.

“Yes, ma’am, it’s quite elegant,” Nami replied.

Beside her, Luffy’s little guffaws continued on. Nami impatiently whispered, “What?!” at him.

“You just sound like a girl tryin’ to sound like a guy,” he whispered back.

Nami snarled. “Luffy, you — y’know what, never mind.” Like, of all the fucking people to say that?

“Hm?” Diane asked, lazily turning her head.

“Nothing!”

Nami pinched Luffy into silence while Diane led her tour through the mansion, studying any and all possible obscured entrances. It was when Nami reached what Diane mentioned was her husband’s study that her breath hitched.

It was a room full of plaques, medals and ribbons. And not just any plaques, medals and ribbons. Marine plaques, medals and ribbons. It was the one in the middle of the wall that raised the biggest alarms.

“In acknowledgement of Captain Mathers Marshall...”

Nami tapped Luffy on his shoulder and pointed at the plaque. His jaw fell, letting out a gasp less of surprise and more wonder. “Whoa….”

“Impressive, right?” Diane asked with a smirk. “My husband was quite the man in his day…”

Huh. So that’s what “retired public servant” meant. 

Nami and Luffy started examining the room with greater intrigue, observing the many awards and ribbons to try assessing exactly what kind of retired captain they were dealing with; heaven forbid some weird Logia user like seemingly everybody that mattered in the Navy ranks.

Above that big plaque was a portrait of whom she presumed to be Marshall — menacing, a strong, sturdy jaw lined by a beard, and striking eyes. Definitely somebody who could handle himself in a fight.

Luffy stopped when he reached a particular picture, a worn-looking group photo of cadets. He pointed at one man in the far left corner. “Heh, that guy kinda looks like me.”

Mostly trying to distract herself from her growing worry, she indulged Luffy’s fascination. It was a skinny guy, bearing the one frown amongst the sea of smiles. A decidedly not-Luffy-like expression.

She looked at the picture and then back at Luffy, giving an actual mental assessment. “Eh, maybe when you’re in Fourth Gear and look all mean…” She caught herself. “But that’s not important right now.”

Diane pointed at a purple ribbon across from her. “See that one right there? Purple heart. How I met him actually. I, shall we say, nursed him back to health, if you know what I mean.”

“What do you mean?” Luffy asked.

While Diane made a puzzled squint, Nami pinched the bridge of her nose and pulled Luffy close. “Nicky, not everybody gets your dry sense of humor.”

“But I wasn’t-”

Nami clawed his shoulder, but Diane laughed. “Ah, you two have a bit! Love it.”

The woman’s eccentricities were enough to give Nami a moment to calm down, though the sudden marine presence still kept her alert. Her eyes traveled to Luffy’s face, making sure that make-up under his scar was still fresh. 

“Diane!” Called a voice from downstairs. “Are the butlers here?!”

“They’ve been here!” Diane feistily answered. “Are they needed?”

“Yes!”

“Ugh, and I was just about to get you to Angelica’s room. Ah, that’s why I have two of you.” Dianne snapped her finger at Luffy. “You, the crimson-haired comedian. Come with me, downstairs.”

Shit. Luffy alone around a retired marine. Nami reached her hand out. “Uh, that’s fine, I can join-”

“Oh, relax,” Diane dismissed, guiding Luffy to the door. “You seem to be the more experienced of the two, and trust me — with my daughter, you’re gonna need it. She’s in the third room down the hall, to the left.”

“Nicky!” Nami called as the two left the room. “Just, um…smile and nod, okay?”

“He’ll be fine!” Dianne reassured her as they exited.

Nami shook her fists…but then it hit her. She was all alone. And really? Luffy was a fucking emperor, worst come to worst, they would be fine…but she wanted to do this her way. Until that moment came, though, she now had a green light to do what she was in that damn mansion to do.

She pushed the door until it was obscuring her, but not closed entirely and making even the slightest unnecessary noise, and then started looking around the room. Silver and gold sat all around her, and they were all sending Nami powerful urges; but given that this was some sort of dinner party, she got the feeling that she wouldn’t be the last person in this room. Anything particularly valuable going missing before it wasn’t her problem anymore would raise alarms.

What she could do, however, was take the little things — the replaceable things. Like, for instance, the dog tag on the rack towards the far corner of the left wall whose sparkles practically communicated their desire for Nami to adopt it as its new parent. She slid over, dug in her ledger and swapped the authentic tag for a generic one she had kept in there for occasions such as this. After dropping the chain in, she dug around for any other fake jewelry that reasonably resembled anything in the room and looked up to double check, just to make sure. 

Her eyesweep spanned from chains, to a shirt full of signatures and handwritten messages on it, to another gleaming gold badge right beside it. Despite her edict, she wound up hopping over to it anyway. Just to examine! The shirt was getting in the way, though, so she brushed it aside, and that’s when she noticed something peculiar. One of the notes on the shirt was in orange marker, and in a handwriting she recognized.

“MAKE WAY FOR CAPTAIN MARSHALL! The best grumpy, kinda hot uncle I’ve ever had! Congrats!”

Nami froze.

“- Bellemère aka your favorite cadet XOXO”

The “O’s” had stems and tiny little leaves drawn on top of them. Like…tangerines.

Why did the air suddenly get so thin?

Nami covered her mouth with both hands, shuddering. She tried squeezing her eyes shut, but that just made whatever she was trying to prevent come quicker. Her vision got just watery enough for her to feel embarrassed, and then the sniffles came. The worst thing she needed to do was start blubbering in the middle of a heist, so she held the sniffles back; so much that her nostrils started to itch. So much that…

“Achoo!”

Her first instinct was to panic. Beneath her, there appeared to be no goatee on the floor. Just to be absolutely sure, she rubbed her face…and sure enough there remained feathery hair by her chin and upper lip. She laughed — what was she so worried about? Even if it fell off, she was alone, anyway.

“Bless you.”

“Thank you,” Nami replied instinctively. 

Wait.

Shit.

Nami spun around expecting to possibly defend herself but instead having to look slightly down. A blonde girl stood in the doorway, a foot shorter than Nami and wearing a pink and black dress and black stockings that were cute, but just formal and old-fashioned enough to indicate that she probably hadn’t picked it out herself. From the looks of it, she was no older than twelve, and had the attitude Nami would expect from that age.

Still, she was twelve. Getting out of this would be simple. Granted, Nami had been particularly sharp at twelve, but that was because-

“You’re not a butler.”

Fuck, she was as particularly sharp as Nami was at twelve.

“What are you talking about?” Nami asked, unwittingly lowering her voice even deeper.

“I’ve seen a million butlers with your uniform pass through here and you’re the first one I’ve seen with a purse like that,” the girl replied, pointing at the bag hanging from Nami’s left shoulder.

“It’s not a purse, it’s a ledger,” Nami said with all the indignation of a boy distinguishing action figures from dolls. “This is a big house and I needed extra supplies.”

The girl’s eyebrow cocked an inch but the rest of her face hadn’t at all. “If extra was needed because of the house size they would’ve just sent more people. They’re not cheapos.”

Goddammit.

“Also, you’re a girl.”

“What-”

“I’d never miss the smell of my favorite perfume, even just a smidge.”

Cracked her identity, too?! The curse of having good taste in fragrances.

“A guy can’t smell nice?” Nami argued.

“And you’re crying for some reason.”

The flustered frown became a glare. “That’s none of your business.”

That didn’t intimidate her an iota; in fact, she pointed at Nami and laughed. “Ha-ha, that’s your real voice!”

The slip-up should’ve been what upset Nami, but instead it was the little brat’s sing-songy taunt. “Well, it doesn’t matter who I really am, it matters what I’m here for, and I’m like eight years older than you at least.”

“Pfft, I can take you,” the girl scoffed, sizing Nami up like a real opponent.

“Bitch?”

Nami stopped and rubbed her forehead, laughter overtaking her. “Oh…my God. Sorry. This must be what a dog feels like when he looks in the mirror.”

“Good one,” she remarked before leaning against the doorframe. “I’m Angelica.”

“Oh,” Nami replied with a nod. “The dreaded.”

Angelica snickered, proud of the designation. “You’re not gonna find anything good in here, by the way. This room sucks.”

The specific affectation of her voice on that last word caught Nami off-guard. There was some real resentment in there. Plus, Nami had found something entirely too good.

“Now that ugly horse painting in mom’s wine celler? That’s where the good stuff is.”

“...Why are you telling me this?” Nami asked, reading Angelica’s cranky frown.

Angelica looked down, her frown tightening until it hung just short of whimper. “‘Cause dad deserves it.”

Nami’s grip on the ledger loosened, her focus drifting. “What? What did he do?”

She folded her arms, scowling at the memorabilia surrounding the room. “This stupid dinner party, it’s his idea of a celebration ‘cause my brother’s leaving in two days to start his cadet training.”

“Ahh,” Nami replied, her tone softening as she stopped herself from laying it on too thick with a coo of sympathy. She did, however, walk over and lean against the opposite end of the frame, sliding down until she was almost at eye-level. “You don’t want him to leave?”

“I didn’t say that,” Angelica murmured with a touch of denial that made Nami melt. “But I know he doesn’t.”

Angelica settled onto the big portrait in the middle. “He insists he wants to, but he’s just trying to make dad happy.”

“Looks like a helluva lot to live up to, at least,” Nami said, observing the room and consciously keeping her vision away from the shirt littered with handwriting.

“I just…” her little voice cracked. “What if something happens? I-I don’t want Theo to…”

She stopped to sniffle, eyes welling up but the scowl remaining as she scuffed her feet on the floor. That was when Nami looked back at that shirt, squinting at the note in orange and thinking back to when she matched Angelica in years.

“Hey,” Nami urged, gently sliding her foot into Angelica’s. “I know, the sea can be scary. But for all the bad somebody can find out there, there’s way more amazing it can bring if you let it. Trust me, I’m a pirate; I’d know.”

Angelica wiped off her nose. “A pirate? What’s your name?”

Nami mulled it over, then shrugged. “Ah, what the hell, you already caught me. I’m Nami.”

“The Cat Burglar Nami?!” Angelica yelled, causing Nami to slap her hand over her mouth and close the door…which was just terrible optics, really.

“Shhh, quiet!”

Angelica shoved herself away and pointed her quivering finger. “The Straw Hats?! In my house?!”

“I know-”

“Was that skinny guy with the shitty mullet him?” Nami reflexively laughed. “One of the four emperors of the sea?!”

Before Nami could answer, Angelica raised her fists and crouched down into a fighting stance so disciplined, Zoro might’ve given her that terrifying smirk-of-approval of his. “Look, lady, I don’t know why you’re here, but my dad retired like five years ago so he’s got no beef with you!”

“Relax, relax!” Nami said with a laugh, remembering how her silly little crew had probably been presented to the world, especially a military family. “We didn’t know this was a military house. I’m here ‘cause…it’s honestly stupid.”

Angelica lowered her fist an inch. “So you’re just here to rob us?”

“Yes.”

“...Okay.”

She relaxed, straightened her posture and dusted off her dress, even laughing. “Y’know something funny? That first bounty poster you had in the bikini, Theo had it on his wall. When dad found it, he tore it up!”

Nami swung her head back and laughed loud enough to echo through the halls. “Oh my God, that is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I saw your new one in his drawer last week too and he tried to pretend it wasn’t what it was.”

…The less Nami thought about what that possibly implied, the better. But still. Her own horny teenage admirers. The sheer absurdity made her shake her head. “I’m guessing Theo is your brother’s name?”

“Yeah. He’s the best!”

The admiring smile she said it with brought a warm wave to Nami’s face. Good for her. She stood up, opening the door. “So uh…you’re not gonna say anything, right?”

“On one condition: Trafalgar Law’s snail number. I need it.”

Nami doubled over. “He’s a little too old for you.”

“My future husband is what he is!” Hearts bubbled in her eyes. She was beyond debate.

Nami walked out the door, “Try aiming a little lower. Aren’t there any boys at school?”

“They’re all lame, a bunch of goody-two-shoes. I don’t want preppy, I want a pirate!”

“How old are you, twelve? Give ‘em five years,” Nami encouraged. “At least a few of them will have denounced their upbringing by then.”

“Not if their dads are like mine…” Angelica grumbled.

Nami studied the tension on Angelica’s pensive face as the heist lost more real estate in her mind. “You two should talk to him. I’m sure he’s not all bad.”

“You don’t even know him,” Angelica scoffed.

“No. But…” Nami turned around, watching that award room from a distance. “I’ve got a good reference.”

Every second Luffy stood was more uncomfortable than the last. The same man in the painting upstairs was standing across, amongst a group of five other similarly built, similarly-aged men and observing Luffy like he was trying to read a ponegylph on his face. Luffy just kept wiping the same spot on the shelf next to him with a cloth even though the stain had been long cleaned.

“How long have you been a butler, boy?” Marshall asked. 

Luffy swallowed heavily in his throat. “Um, a couple…months.” He recalled some of Robin’s coaching. “I’m an…appendix.”

The group of men reacted quizzically, even looking among themselves to make sure they heard it right. “Appendix?” Marshall asked.

“Yeah. I uh…train and learn stuff, and follow the other guys around.” Luffy wasn’t sure what he said wrong.

Marshall cocked his head to the side. “Do you mean ‘apprentice?’”

“S-Sure?”

The group, sans Marshall, erupted with laughter. “I guess they don’t have education requirements in the butler world!” roared one long-haired man.

Luffy looked down and scratched the back of his red wig, pretending to laugh.

“Oh, leave him alone!” Diane said, placing her hand on the back of Luffy’s neck with another glass of wine in the other. “You all remember what it’s like to be a cadet. Marshall, you’re making the poor kid nervous!”

Marshall scoffed, his focus still locked on Luffy. “A man reveals a lot about himself by what he does under pressure. Experienced or not.”

Diane slapped Luffy right on the shoulder blades with surprising strength. “Well I see a sweet young man. I have faith in you!”

“Thanks, ma’am,” Luffy meekly replied.

Diane sipped the glass empty and sauntered off. Luffy wished she had stuck around and glanced upstairs, silently urging Nami to come down. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t have cared even the slightest about his skills (or not-skills) at butler-related activities, but with Nami’s pride on the line he was committing to bit and that was very, very hard right now!

“I got a way he can prove himself,” said one of Marshall’s buddies, a bald-headed man with glasses. He planted his leather-shoed foot on a chair. “My buddy here needs a polishin’!”

And that put the bit in serious danger of fracturing, because Luffy’s brows furrowed. The four other friends laughed, but Marshall stepped forward with a scowl for his shiny-headed friend. 

“Hey!” Marshall snapped. “That’s not part of his job.”

A few groans and “awws” emanated as the hairless man stepped away from the chair with a whine. “Alright, alright. Sheesh, Marsh, it’s ya son’s sendoff, lighten up!”

Marshall let his disapproval linger for his friend’s action linger for a bit before resetting his focus. “My apologies, kid,” he said to Luffy. “I am curious, though. What do you think of pirates?”

Luffy’s eyes lit up. “Pirates? They’re uh…y’know, pirate dudes. They plunder and stuff, and then you guys catch ‘em.”

“Damn right we do!” yelled the bald man.

“And you know there’s that one guy, the Straw Hat dude,” the Straw Hat dude said, “I hear he’s gonna be King of the Pirates! And…that would be really, really bad!”

“Straw Hat? As in, Monkey D. Luffy, Straw Hat?” Marshall asked, his eyes stiffening.

“Luffy? Wow, what a stupid name,” the man named Luffy replied.

“Luffy, Luffy, Luffy…” Marshall muttered. “What kind of man would name their kid that, indeed.”

“I dunno.”

Marshall stared at Luffy for longer than he would have liked, just enough time for him to wonder if his wig was still on. “Well, how about I ask you this?” Marshall began. “What can you do in the kitchen?”

“I can cook!” Luffy declared. “And eat! Meat! Lots of meat!”

“Well, okay then; we have a kitchen full of uncooked food and a backyard full of unfed stomachs. So let’s see what you can do, ‘apprentice.’”

Luffy smacked his fist into his palm and smirked. “I gotcha.”

Oh yeah, they were speaking Luffy’s language now. Had he screwed up and ruined all the food when he cooked on the way to Whole Cake Island? Sure. But that was his first time, and as his extracurricular activities with Nami had shown, he learned a lot after his first time with things. This was his moment. Nami’s redemption? Now, it was Luffy’s redemption, baby. Move over, Sanji, there was a new chef in town!

Luffy made his march to the kitchen doors and stepped inside like he owned the place, shutting them behind him and eyeing the various containers and aluminum bins, fascinated in particular with the bin of chicken. He suddenly found himself wishing he had access to Momo’s time travel so he could just skip ahead to when they were cooked and delicious.

After grabbing a bunch of seasonings with no regard for the labels and pouring as much of them on the chicken as possible, he hit the “Bake” button on the oven; the screen said 125° and that was really hot, so obviously that was good enough! He opened the oven, and away the chicken went.

All it took was one push of a button. What was so hard about that?

As he merrily hummed and grabbed a live lobster to dump into a boiling pot, Luffy felt a tense presence enter the room…but ignored it. It was different from Marshall’s commanding aura, somewhat anxious.

“Who are you?” a voice asked from behind.

“Oh, I’m Luffy!” came his absent-minded reply, not even turning around.

“Luffy?”

“Yeah, and I’m gonna be-”

Luffy froze.

Ah, fuck.

The man that was definitely Luffy turned around to find a guy in a button up shirt and slacks and sporting a decently muscular build, like what Luffy imagined Zoro’s fitness level would have been a year or two prior to their first meeting. But this was the same guy whose presence felt as anxious as Usopp when a mouse crawled by. Recognition filled his whole stare.

“Uh…sup?” Luffy asked.

“As in, Monkey D. Luffy?” the boy replied.

“Noooo,” Luffy replied, setting the lobster on the stove. “I’m…” He looked down, teeth clattering.

“..Lobster G. Luffy. Different guy.”

The boy’s brows ridged as he stepped towards Luffy with more confidence than his initial demeanor implied and Luffy held up the lobster in warning. “Wait! Stay back! This guy’s my older brother and he’s got claws!”

Sheesh, how did Usopp pull this lying stuff off, man?

Luffy’s warning obviously fell on deaf ears, because the boy closed the distance with a scowl. “A pirate in my house? And you of all of them?”

He grabbed Luffy’s wrist.

And that’s when the energy shifted.

Nicky, the bumbling butler, previously the son of a shipper with a bad accent and affinity for meatballs, had left the building. In his place was an emperor with a smirk that exuded swagger that dwarfed every marine’s in attendance.

“You don’t wanna do that,” Luffy warned.

And then the boy collapsed to his knees. It wasn’t of his own doing. That fact was probably what made his breaths turn into full-on dry heaves.

“Relax,” Luffy instructed, keeping his voice measured as his lips settled into a neutral frown. 

“Wh-Why are you here…?!” the boy asked, his throat tight and his words ragged. “Is it…my father…?!”

“Nah.” Luffy started juggling the live lobster in his hands as his expression remained calm. “Nami — you know who she is if you know who I am, right? Well, she had a heist that went bad a coupla years ago and she was so sad about it she banged a dude to get over it, so we’re doin’ it over. We didn’t know this was a marine dude’s house, though.”

“Nami?” The boy asked, his expression changing in a manner Luffy recognized from Sanji. “As in…Cat Burglar Nami?”

“Yup.”

His face went pink. “She’s here?”

“Uh huh.” A half-squeak, half-gasp left the kid’s mouth, and that made Luffy laugh. “Yeah, she’s pretty hot, right?”

He didn’t answer. Just a very affirmative nod.

“So who are you?” Luffy asked, continuing to toss the lobster back and forth. “The kid gettin’ the sendoff?”

“Yes…” he said, standing back up and dusting off his slacks. “My name is Theo. I’m leaving to join the Navy in two days…”

“Ah, I gotcha. That’s pretty cool!” Luffy replied with a big grin.

Theo balked. “‘Cool?’ I’m gonna be a marine. Officially, we’d be enemies.”

Luffy shrugged. “So? My grandpa’s a vice admiral.”

Theo slumped with surprise, but a few beats later he scratched his chin. “Ah, right. Garp, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“And he’s…okay with it?” Theo folded his arms, that particular question coming with stronger emphasis than the others.

“Uh…” Luffy looked aside, gathering his thoughts. “Probably not. Even threw some cannonballs at me once. But he’s still my grandpa, so…y’know.”

Luffy lifted the same hand holding the lobster to pick his nose. The lobster, shall we say…provided a pinch of assistance.

“OWW, OWW, OWW!!!!”

Luffy hopped around the kitchen shrieking in agony, and Theo panicked. He looked around for somebody until he decided to just chase after Luffy…but Luffy’s quickness meant Theo had to do a lot of weaving and redirection to finally grab him. When he did, he snatched the lobster from his nostril and tossed it in the boiling pot with perfect aim.

As Luffy leaned against the kitchen counter and rubbed his stinging nose, Theo reached out to pat him, but thought better of it and stepped back.

“Phew…” Luffy sighed. “Thanks, man.”

“Uh…no problem.”

Like the pain had already washed away, Luffy snickered. “Heh, look at ya, helpin’ an emperor of the sea. They’re probably gonna make you run a zillion laps at training camp if they find out.”

“I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” Theo replied, eyes on the floor tiles.

Luffy crossed his arms, studying Theo’s face. “I guess. Should be fun, though. Navy training…Pretty exciting, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Theo mumbled.

Luffy let a few moments pass, and then:

“You don’t wanna go.”

Theo’s head snapped up, eyes suddenly wide open. “What makes you say that?!”

“‘Cause you sounded like me when somebody shoves a plate full of brussel sprouts at me, and I really fuckin’ hate brussel sprouts.”

Theo blinked exactly five times in half as many seconds.

On autopilot, Luffy grabbed a roll from the dish in front of him and tossed it in his mouth. “Plus, somebody who’s clear about what they got goin’ on probably shouldn’t be walkin’ around with their heart thumpin’ when they’re not even fighting or running.”

Theo’s jaw collapsed. “What?! How…?!”

Luffy teased him with a smirk. “Gonna need to learn observation haki if you wanna climb the ranks, buddy!”

Theo’s knees got shaky and he almost collapsed again, and that time it wasn’t the fault of Luffy’s conqueror’s haki. “I…I see.”

“Buuuuuuut….you don’t wanna climb the ranks. ‘Cause you don’t wanna go.”

While Theo chewed on his words, Luffy looked in the boiling pot to check the progress of the lobster.

“Look!” Theo suddenly snapped. “This is what I’m doing. I’m not gonna explain myself to a pirate.”

“Okay,” Luffy flatly replied. “Don’t, then.”

And then Luffy spun around, opened the oven and pulled back the rack with his bare hands to check on the chicken. His fingers burned, yes, but what truly upset him was how the chicken had remained virtually the same color it had been when he tossed it all in a few minutes ago. Wasn’t 125° supposed to be hot?

After shoving the rack back inside and slamming the oven door shut with a peevish growl, Luffy turned around to find Theo staring at him with total fascination. Why the fuck did people always do that to him specifically?

“It’s just…shit…” Theo slid his hand up his brown hair. “It’s like from the day I turned 17, the last six months have just been a countdown to me enlisting ‘cause that’s what dad did and he was awesome at it. If he wanted it for me that bad, he wouldn’t have dragged me to a banquet with Celestial Dragons.”

Luffy cut off all the other branches to which his focus had been stretched out.

Theo’s hands clenched into tight, trembling fists. “Those guys…they’re barely even human. The way they treated people…I don’t even wanna think about what I saw them doing or the bullshit they said. And a room full of marines of every ranking you can imagine, not one of them stood up and said anything.”

Luffy just hummed in acknowledgment.

Theo swung his hand up and slapped his own leg. “Like, that’s justice? Letting some assholes do whatever they want because of whose balls they came out of? I don’t even know what I’m fighting for other than my dad’s respect for me.”

He stopped, circling his neck a few times to ease himself. Luffy tapped his chin.

“Wow,” Luffy finally said.

“I know…” Theo muttered.

“You’re kinda dumb.”

Theo collapsed onto his face. He looked up with a delirious smile, absolutely deflated. “Wh-What…?”

Luffy scowled in annoyance. “If you hate it that much, just tell your dad you don’t wanna do it.”

After a few moments of staring at Luffy, Theo staggered back to his feet. “Easier said than done…”

Frustrated, Luffy swung both his hands up and sighed. “My grandpa kicked my ass every single time I said I wanted to be a pirate, and here I am, 3 billion berries deep. It’s real easy if you’re not a pussy about it.”

“Hey!” Theo barked. “I am not-”

He thrust forward to snatch Luffy by his collar, but Luffy had already turned around, sending him face-first to the counter.

“But anyway, this chicken,” Luffy remarked, opening the oven again. The chicken was still extremely light. “OH, COME ON! Cook, dammit!”

Theo slid away from the counter and to the oven. “One twenty-five…? You want to put it on 425, at least.”

“But that’s way hot! You’re gonna burn your whole house down!”

With an incredulous laugh, Theo replied, “Trust me, it’ll be fine.”

Theo pushed the arrow on the oven control board until the screen said 425°. And aside from a ding, nothing significant happened. 

“Ahh, I see,” Luffy observed. “You really know your stuff, huh?”

“Not…really?”

“Oughta put those brains into something you actually like.”

Luffy reached into the boiling pot, grabbed the charred lobster and bit off a chunk of its claw. And tossed the rest of it back into the pot.

Theo just stared, eyes rivaling the biggest dishes in the room.

“I’ll…consider it.”

Nami came down the steps with a ledger heavier than it had been before she climbed them, and a mood better than it had been as well. She hadn’t gotten quite to the main course — she declined Angelica’s assistance on that front because it went against her burglar’s pride, but she was well on her way.

What she saw when she made it downstairs struck a Zeus-sized lightning bolt through her mood.

For in the living room, amongst dozens of former and possibly active marines, was a man in an all-white suit, an awful fake beard, and a cartoonishly large top hat who couldn’t have more obviously been Usopp than if he flinched at a butterknife.

That man had a smile on his face as he chatted up the guests, and when he locked eyes on the ordinarily orange, temporarily blue-haired woman, that smile filled up with insufferable levels of smugness.

“Why hello there, darlin’!” he called in some obnoxious abomination of a rural accent.

Nami was without words, well, except for one: “Wh-Wha…what?”

Before she could unpack any of…that, Diane came stumbling in, a red streak across her tipsy cheeks. “Ah, there you are!” she called to Nami, “C’mere, you have got to meet this guy!”

Ya don’t say.

Forcing a grin that was better described as an upside-down sneer, Nami nodded and came on down. And…whatever Usopp was purporting himself to be swung by and flashed a gold-toothed smile at her, extending his hand.

“Vandelay D. Arthur, architecture extraordinaire! Pleasure to make your acquaintance on this fine evenin’!”

Nami accepted the handshake, and the only thing tighter than her grip on Usopp’s wrist was her facial muscles.

“The pleasure is all mine,” she said through grit teeth.

Usopp whipped his hand back, subtly wringing it out as it throbbed. With his other hand, he snapped his finger whilst squinting at her. “Y’know, you look awfully familiar. Where have I met you before?”

All Nami could do was just mentally countdown to disaster.

“I GOT IT!” He yelled with bang of his fist. “You worked my celebration after the race! You ‘n that little skinny redhead boy!”

“Uh…yes, of course…” Had that fucker bumped into Luffy, too?! “How could I forget…?”

“Ooh, was that the night you said Maxwell got first place?” slurred Diane, holding an empty glass of wine she definitely should not have been served.

Maxwell?

“Oh yes, indeed!” Usopp answered. “Actually, could you be a doll and bring Maxwell over here? I want her to meet him again.”

Nami briefly contemplated snatching her wig off and strangling Usopp with it; instead she just stood there and wished she had the power to summon tsunamis. 

Cheers rang off at the sound of doors opening. Nami looked up and she was pretty sure her vision went white for two seconds. A reindeer was being escorted to her via leash while serenaded with chants of “MAX-WELL! MAX-WELL! MAX-WELL!” A reindeer with a blue nose. A reindeer with a blue nose who smiled at the sight of her and was definitely about to say her real name.

As soon as his — and by his, we absolutely mean Chopper — mouth opened, though, Usopp held out a cinnabun that he gladly chowed down on.

“Wh-Why…?” Nami asked. “Why?”

“Some appraisal or something or other,” Diane merrily replied. “He just looked so funny and Maxwell here was just so cute, I said ‘Why not?’ and opened the gates!”

Stroking Chopper’s chin, Usopp laughed. “And y’know, Diane, I’ve designed plenty o’ mansions in my day and none were as fine as this one!”

“Isn’t he just wonderful?” Diane asked, stopping to hug “Maxwell.”

“He suuuuuuurrrrre is,” Nami seethed. “Actally, could I pull Arthur aside? I need to discuss an unpaid invoice on my agency’s behalf.”

“It’ll be real quick,” Usopp assured before petting Chopper. “Hey Maxwell, wanna perform some more tricks while I’m gone? 

Chopper stood up on both hind legs to an eruption of cheers, Nami looking on as she grabbed Usopp away and shoved him into an empty room.

“Usopp?” she began with a sweet smile. “You wanna tell me what the fuck you’re doing here?”

“What am I doing?” Usopp asked, finally finding a frown. “What are you doing? Pulling some sort of scheme, as in a lie, and not even inviting me? INCORRIGIBLE!”

Nami shushed Usopp and pulled him further away into the room. “You know why I didn’t ask you?” Nami swung her hands up and down at Usopp’s getup. “This! You overdo it!”

Usopp bucked back and gasped so hard the beard fell off and he didn’t even care. “Hold on, hold on. So your issue is with the quality of my lies and yet you bring along MONK-”

Nami grabbed his collar. “Quiet!”

Usopp lowered to an aggressive whisper. “Monkey D. Fucking Luffy?!”

Nami’s expression softened, her body swaying back and forth as she tried to answer the logic. “I-I know, but…it was his idea. And, planning it together was kinda hot…”

The response that elicited was a twisted grimace. “Oh my God, is this a sex thing?”

“No…!” Nami shrieked .”It’s…!”

…But then she cringed with a painful hiss and deep blush. “Okay, it might be a sex thing, but-”

“Nami, why?!” Usopp squirmed, squeezing his head with both hands. “Everything I’ve learned about you two in the last three weeks has been against my will!”

“I know, I know,” Nami said, raising her hands in pleading. “But look! How’s this? Next time I’ve got a heist, it’ll be just you and me. I’ll even let you be a pimp, like you pitched before!”

“No, no!” Usopp resolved, literally putting his foot down. “The pimp is tempting, but I cannot allow this to stand. Now, I am going to go out there, pull the big haul from this mansion, and then when I’m done, I might give your offer consideration-”

“I mean, I’ve already got most of the good stuff,” Nami said, opening her ledger slightly to put the sparkling gems on display. Usopp lunged and snatched a ruby necklace.

“And now one of them is mine!” Usopp roared before stuffing it in his pocket and running off with a nefarious laugh. Nami was about to annihilate him, until she caught something by her foot.

“ARTHUR!” she yelled, stopping Usopp in his tracks. When Usopp turned around, he saw Nami holding the fake beard and nudging it for emphasis.

“Oh…oh. Thanks,” Usopp said, walking over to retrieve the pile of grey fuzz

“Trust me, workin’ from experience,” Nami said as Usopp reattached it to his jaw.

“Indeed, indeed. Nice goatee, by the way. Almost didn’t realize it was you,” Usopp remarked.

“Thanks. Served me well a couple of times, y’know.”

Usopp patted the beard down, making sure it was secure. “Y’know, I once tried a disguise with one of those little toothbrush mustaches? Didn’t go over too well. Everybody just immediately got angry at the mere sight of me and stampeded me.”

“Well, it is pretty divisive.”

“Huh. I thought-”

“ENOUGH!”

That yell came from the den. Usopp and Nami rushed away to find Marshall glaring at a spooked Chopper, and instantly redirecting his ire to Usopp once he entered the room. His prominent finger jutted menacingly at the conman.

“You. Look, it was fun at first, but I don’t want an animal inside my house.” He wrung his head out. “And secondly, who even are you, really?!”

Nami glanced at Usopp, trying to get an accurate read of the situation, but Usopp was too busy digging through his blazer pockets.

The ex-marine’s line of sight went to her, patience teetering. “Actually, I think I know exactly what this is. You and the ‘redhead’ with the mullet. All three of you are lining up, even the-”

With splendor, Usopp unleashed several papers from his blazer. “As I said, I am Vandelay D. Arthur, and I spoke to an associate who wished to remain anonymous so as to preserve the surprise, about some renovations and additions to your mansion. Allow me to show you!”

Usopp marched to Marshall with papers in tow, and now Nami stood genuinely curious about where this was all going. Marshall snatched the papers from Usopp’s hand and examined them, and his intense glare melted into a mild frown that melted into an open-mouthed gawk.

“My God…” Marshall said as several of his friends crowded him to see what the fuss was about and let out gasps of their own. “These plans…you drew all this?”

Mr. Vandelay proudly folded his arms. “Yes, indeed. I design the best blueprints across the whole Grand Line!”

“Not once.” Marshall smacked the paper with his knuckle. “Not once have I ever thought about a home theater, but now that I see this? I want one.”

“That would be SICK, dude,” said one of his bald friends.

“And this game complex? Man!” Another one added.

Nami just covered her mouth. She legitimately could not believe what she was witnessing. It was one of the most truly impressive displays she had ever seen in her life.

Marshall wrenched his head away from the papers. “Do you have a business card? A contractor? I want to talk.”

“Yes to both,” Usopp said as Nami stumbled over, light-headed. He retrieved an entire stack of business cards from his breast pocket. And started handing them out like candy to Marshall and his friends. 

“As far as the contractor goes? I know a guy. A Super guy. Let’s all talk!”

Nami just wanted to steal some gems. This motherfucker pulled an entire portfolio of wealthy clients. She silently applauded God Captain Usopp.

“Very good, very very good,” Marshall kept muttering to himself as he handed the papers back. Usopp stuffed them in his blazer and walked away, watching Nami with well-earned bluster and getting nothing but an open-mouth smile in response.

“Wow, Usopp, that was awesome!”

Usopp and Nami went still.

That high-pitched squeak of a voice.

The two of them identified one being. That being had hooves and antlers and a frazzled cringe on its blue-nosed face.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..

“Whoa, did that reindeer just talk?!” yelled a voice from the other side of the room. Nami and Usopp turned around to find Angelica standing from the staircase. The little girl looked down at Nami and winked. With a beam of excitement, she hopped down the aisle and rushed over to Chopper, nudging Nami and whispering “Haul ass!” on the way to him.

“Say something else!” Angelica yelled as the others crowded around Chopper in awe. Marshall stood still, not looking at anything particular; just utterly baffled.

“Hi, I’m Maxwell!” Chopper yelled. Oohs and ahhs all abound.

Usopp and Nami looked at each other and nodded. From across, Angelica turned to Nami and nudged her head towards the kitchen.

Nami narrowed her eyes, but then she realized she hadn’t seen Luffy in a while. She rushed through the kitchen doors and saw something she never thought she’d see in her life. Luffy, cooking — and the food smelling and looking good.

“What the fuck?”

“Oh, hey Nami!” Luffy said with a wave. To his right, chopping shrimp, was a tall, muscular lad with a still-boyish face that Nami could only assume was Theo. At the sight of Nami, his breath thinned.

“Whoa, you’re-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m hot, I get it,” Nami rambled. “Luffy, I know you probably wanna eat half this stuff but that’s what Sanji’s for. We gotta go.”

“I ain’t leavin’!” Luffy declared.

“Goddammit Luffy, for once think without your stomach.”

“Oh, I’m not thinking with my stomach,” Luffy said whilst stuffing his face with four buffalo chicken wings at once. He pointed at Theo. “I’m not leavin’ ‘till this guy tells his dad he doesn’t want to join the navy.”

Nami opened her mouth to protest on impulse, but she quickly understood.

Theo winced, but lowered his head with the type of resigned exhaustion that could only come from talking to Luffy for a couple of hours.

“Alright, alright,” Theo conceded. “Guess it’s time to face the music.”

Luffy punched his shoulder, straightening his posture immediately. “Don’t say it like that! You really wanna tell him or not?!”

He met Luffy and his determined eyes, and it was like Nami watched Luffy’s vigor transfer over into another human being in real time. The young man nodded firmly.

“Yes.”

And then he marched to the door. Nami gave Luffy her widest smile of the day.

“Dad!”’

All eyes in front and behind turned to Theo, who was walking towards Marshall. “I have somethi — wait, is that a reindeer?”

Nami laughed while Luffy pulled up next to her and pointed in surprise at Chopper, and he caught Usopp soon after. Nami gave a big shrug.

“I’m done making sense of anything tonight,” Marshall said, exasperated.

“Well…you’re probably not gonna wanna hear what I say next…” Theo murmured. Marshall’s head whipped up, his eyes fully alert.

“Oh, is this about the poster of that pirate lady?” Diane suddenly asked. “Because I saw you goin’ to town-”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!” Nami shrieked with such force she could taste blood in her throat. Luffy turned to her with a curious hum. Theo’s face was as red as Luffy’s wig.

“Ten thousand berries to whoever keeps Diane away from the wine cooler,” Marshall said, fingers clawing the bridge of his nose as he dug in his pocket and retrieved a bill that he held out in the air. A burly hand snatched it up. “Now, as you were saying, son.”

“I…” Theo began, trill trying to recover from that bout of TMI. “I know you’ve wanted this for me so bad, and I know you’ve been so proud of me…”

Marshall's features lightened, a crooked smile coming to his face as it appeared from Nami’s vantage point that he had already been braced for what was coming next.

“But…something like this, it’s something I’ve gotta be doing for me, too. You gave this thirty years, dad. And I don’t want to do the same thing if I’m gonna end up hating myself for it.”

Nami found her focus drifting upstairs again.

“I know you fought hard for your brothers, and you tried to protect whoever you could…but I can’t fight for something I can’t believe in. Not after that…banquet…”

Several of Marshall’s buddies behind him reacted explosively. “What?! What's not there to believe in?!” One of them yelled.

“Are you running away?!” yelled another.

“STAND DOWN!” Marshall commanded in a roar that made even Nami stiffen like she was under his jurisdiction. They all went silent.

Theo smacked his hands together, tongue dancing along his cheek. “Yes, I’m leaving.” He looked up with a hard stare. “But I am not running away. I’m standing for something of my own.”

“Hell yeah,” Luffy whispered.

Marshall dug his hands in his pocket, standing in place for a few minutes while everyone, Straw Hats included, stood with bated breath.

“One question, Theo: are you telling me this for my approval, or for my acknowledgement?”

A second later:

“Acknowledgment.”

A second later:

A salute from Marshall.

Nearby, Angelica was jumping up and down with unbridled joy. Nami clasped her hands and smiled broadly. She looked inside the ledger and set her eyes on one particular silver chain; and then she headed upstairs.

The boys behind Marshall had a mixed response - some proud, some annoyed. But the only one that really mattered was Marshall himself, and he went up to Theo and playfully slapped his shoulder while Angelica clung to his leg. “Y’know, there’s a reason I retired as a captain when I could’ve been a vice admiral to this very day. There’s no sense in continuing a fight you’re not entirely sure you want to win.”

His stare moved pointedly over to a boy in a red mullet. “When I was a cadet, there was one guy in my company who got sent on a job he never should've been sent on. They say he shot a Celestial Dragon ‘cause he hated what he saw. It was a tranq, but the message was sent.”

Luffy scrunched his eyebrow, wondering why the hell he was looking at him specifically.

“And even today, we’ve been graced with the presence of a man that’s punched one in the face. Isn’t that right, Straw Hat?”

Oh.

Ignoring the gulps of Usopp and Chopper, Luffy lifted his wig from his head with his signature grin, and rubbed off the makeup from under his eye to put his scar back on display.

“THAAAAAAAAAAT’S ME!”

And then he spun on his heel and took off, yelling “LET’S GOOOOOOO!” as Usopp and Chopper ran after him. Moments later, Usopp backslid into the room.

“And just so we’re clear, my offer is still on the table!”

“I'll be in touch!” Yelled one of Marshall’s buddies.

Usopp fired two finger pistols at him. “My guy!” And with that, Vandelay D. Arthur made his departure. He bolted out the front door to find Chopper back in his regular form and clinging to Luffy’s back as he sprinted.

“Hey! Where’s Nami?!” Usopp yelled.

“LUFFY!” Nami yelled on cue, from a window on the top floor. Luffy skidded to a halt, turned around and stretched his arm all the way to the mansion. When Nami grabbed it, she treated his arm like a rope and wrapped her entire body around it, holding on tight as he pulled her all the way into his chest and picked up his speed twice as fast.

“Usopp! Chopper! When’d you guys get on this?!” Luffy asked as Nami clung to his waist.

“We made an executive decision because Nami here froze me out!” Usopp yelled.

“Oh my god, Usopp, I’m sorry, okay?” Nami shouted.

“And…?” Usopp asked, cupping his ear with a smirk.

Nami sighed. “And…you kinda, sorta…really fucking killed it out there! Best liar ever!”

“And there it is! I just needed acknowledgement, not approval!”

“Don’t cheapen the moment!”

“Where’d you go off to, anyway?” Luffy asked.

Nami turned around with a half-liffed smile. “Just had to wrap up a few things…”

Even as the distance grew greater, Nami could still pinpoint the exact location of that window she had exited.

Presently, on the other side of that window, Marshall was holding a picture. A group photo of cadets, where towards the center was the string bean that would grow into the slab of granite holding the frame. In the far left corner, the lone frowner. But that pensive stare was enough to inspire a smirk out of Marshall.

Almost forty years later, and you’re still shaking things up for me…Dragon, he said to himself. As he often did, he looked around the room — at all the honors, the plaques, uniforms. Everything that was designed to affirm that he was on the right side of history, even though truly, he often wondered what everything had ultimately been for.

And that was when he usually went back to that t-shirt on the other end of the room. The one that came 15 years after that cadet photo, when Marshall found himself with his own roster of cadets to lead and a title that he’d stick to for the 15 years that followed. They all were among the many people to sign the shirt and wish him well.

There was something different, though. Besides the shirt; something that definitely wasn’t there the day prior. A…tangerine? Curious, Marshall walked over to the desk and found a note beneath the fruit.

“From your favorite cadet’s daughter XOXO”

The O’s had stems and leaves drawn on the top. Like the fruit above the paper they were written on.

Well how about that.

“So you were just all in a disguise kinda mood, huh?”

Sanji was looking on with amused curiosity as Nami, Luffy, Usopp and Robin all sat on the dining room couch, halfway out of their costumes and looking exhausted.

“Gotta admit, Robin,” Zoro said, unable to take his eyes off her. “That’s a helluva mustache.”

“Right?!” Luffy yelled. He grabbed Robin’s shoulder. “Oooh! Do the accent!”

Robin cleared her throat.

“I just slicked my hair back, put on a nice suit, and bada bing, bada boom, I got a girl ready to spread her pretty little legs for me.”

Nine people in the room gasped.

“Well, shit,” Zoro said in a moment of rare amazement.

“Quick question, Mr. Devito,” Brook asked.

“Sir?”

“Would you be so kind as to show me your boxers?”

Everybody half-laughed, half-groaned, while Brook looked around like he didn’t understand what had provoked such a reaction. “It’s a fair question!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, Brook,” Usopp dismissed. “Less about Robin, and more about Captain Usopp, the true hero of the day!”

“Oh, BROTHER,” Nami said, but with a smirk.

“I don’t wanna hear it, Nami! You dared question my greatest skill and now you gotta sit there with egg on your face!”

“Tch. Hell, maybe next time we need to get somewhere we’ll just leave you out, see how much sense that makes,” Zoro said, turning up his nose at Nami.

Both of Nami’s eyebrows flopped up at the sheer audacity and she sat up straight with a steely focus in her brown eyes. “Zoro, the only reason that would ever happen is if we were trying to get lost, and then we’d have to leave you out.”

Everybody pointed and laughed at the Swordsman as a vein throbbed in his temple.

“Walked right into that one,” Usopp remarked.

“Oh, and one more thing.”

Nami stood up and walked up to Zoro. And punched him in the balls. All of the Straw Hats erupted, none harder than Sanji — he squeezed two handfuls of his hair and grinned like a kid that had just unwrapped a battleship on Christmas morning. 

Zoro writhed on the ground while Nami crouched menacingly above him. She dug the Clima-Tact from her cleavage and aimed it at his face. “Next time you wanna pop off a little joke about my Clima-Tact, I will show you exactly what it can be put inside. Do you understand me?”

“G-Goddamit, Luffy…!” Zoro hissed, completely ignoring the point.

“Ho-lee shit,” Sanji beamed.

Nami swung around, curling her finger in beckoning. “Luffy, let’s have sex.”

“Oh yeah!” Luffy cheered as the other crewmates around him groaned (except for Franky), hopping off the couch and right to Nami so he could scoop her up.

“Oh, and Usopp!” Nami called.

“Please! Nothing about pretzels or jackhammers!” Usopp yelled, covering his ears.

“I was just gonna say you can keep that necklace!”

The hands fell. “Oh. Sweet!” On that note, he swung around to Franky. "Oh, and Franky? How do you and feel about lending those hands to some home improvement projects?"

Franky got so excited his hair shot up into spikes.

Out on the deck, Luffy kicked the door to the women’s quarters open, kicked it shut, and hopped onto the bed. Nami immediately tossed Luffy off her and laughed at the way he whined.

“Aww, c’mon, you said it!” Luffy said.

“I know, and we’ll get there, but I really just needed a good walk-off line.”

“Heh, that was pretty cool,” Luffy said, laying back with both hands behind the back of his head; in no rush to get down to business anymore.

Nami rolled over into her side, running her thumb along the scar under Luffy’s eye that had been obscured most of the day. “Really, I just wanted to thank you. Y’know for a guy that acts like such a doofus all the time, you sure know how to figure out what a bitch really needs.”

“I guess…”

“You did a good thing today, really.” She lowered her hand from the scar to his land, smiling wider when she squeezed hers back. “And not just for me. Theo, Angelica, that whole family.”

“Well, y’know,” Luffy’s eyes narrowed in focus, like those brain cells were working overdrive. “Sometimes I gotta kick somebody’s ass so they can stop being a dick and fuck off, sometimes I gotta give ‘em a kick in the ass so they can just be themselves and stop pissin’ me off.”

Nami brought her other hand to her chest and sarcastically whimpered. “Beautiful, Nicky, beautiful!” Her accent wasn’t up to par with D’Angelo’s, sadly. She blew half-a-kiss, half-a-raspberry on Luffy’s cheek. 

“And I’m really, really glad you kicked me in the ass, too. Today, and…y’know.” Both her eyes, and Luffy’s eyes traveled to her left shoulder, where a tattoo sat beneath the sleeves.

“You got it off your back, right? The butler thing?”

“Oh yeah. That wound is…” She traced a circle with her hand and jabbed her finger. “Closed. And the best part about it? I wasn’t by myself that time. Hell, I even got help I didn’t ask for. I don’t even care that I didn’t get everything.”

“Yup. Long as you’re not alone…” Luffy stretched out his arms, swinging up Nami’s arm that he was still holding the hand of in the process, and let out a loud yawn. “I’m good.”

Nami lifted Luffy’s hands and dotted a kiss on his finger. A few feet away from her was the vanity, where a few tangerines sat atop the desk. Three, to be exact.

“Y’know, our buddy Marshall knew some very important people in his time,” she said with a coy ring in her voice.

“Like who?” Luffy asked excitedly. “King? Mermaids?”

“Nope.”

She let go of Luffy’s hand, placed both of hers on his cheeks, and after kissing his forehead like Robin had done hours earlier, kissed his lips as well.

“Just the people that matter the most.”

FIN