Chapter Text
Hi, my name’s Okuto Nakamura, I’m shy, gay, and madly in love with Aiki Hirose!... And I’m also coughing up flower petals.
I’m so dead.
I don’t really know when it started, but if I had to wager it’d probably be after I asked Hirose to be my friend in Yokohama. I mean, that day was really cool after all. I went to an aquarium with Hirose, walked around with him all day, and even got him to agree to be my friend.
"What do you think about that, Icchan?”
“Blub.”
"Yeah, that’s what I thought too.”
Anyways, I’ve been coughing more lately. But, you know, it’s not bad or anything. Just a little clearing of the throat here, and a little cough there. Nothing crazy I thought. I mean, sometimes my throat feels like it burns, but I chalk it up to allergies or maybe like a cold. My immune system sucks anyway.
And then it got a little worse as the school year continued. Meeting Matsumura at the mall, uh… and stuff like that? Yeah. To be real, things have been on the up! So it hasn’t gotten worse in a while.
Sometimes it goes away a little, if I’m having a coughing fit and read a page of Kawamura’s manga it seems to subside for now. Oh yeah! When I got my copy of Lovable Lunches signed… that was awesome.
And it goes away for a long time if Hirose and Hirose get to hang out with each other! Even if it’s just me and me walking home together, that’s enough for now! Just like, I’ll take anything honestly, if it comes from Hirose. Talking in the hallway, walking home, talking in the classroom… I mean, that’s really all we do anyway.
Oh, on the topic of Matsumura, I remember, I- uh, even got Hirose matching pens at the mall. Mine’s blue and his is pink. Even if I didn’t get his favorite band shirt…
How am I stuttering in my own head?
Not like it’s the first time that’s happened, maybe it’s just because I’m thinking of Hirose. Yeah, that makes sense.
It’s just that, since the last time I got home from the mall, my throat felt like it was going to explode. Well, I guess implode is the more accurate term. So I had some tea, no results. Had a cough drop… peppermint? Doesn’t matter, same result. Chugged an entire water bottle, nothing. I felt a little dizzy though. Then I felt something rush up my throat, and I rushed upstairs to the bathroom and hurled over and coughed into the toilet, and boom. There it was.
An actual flower petal.
So, that was weird. I flushed it down and went over to my room and went on the computer and typed in ‘Why am I coughing up flower petals?’ I mean, to be honest, I had a hunch. It’s not like a popular trope in manga but in online stories, it’s… still a little niche but I remember seeing a story about that once.
I read the Google AI overview and…
‘In fiction and pop culture, coughing up petals is the primary symptom of Hanahaki Disease. This fictional illness stems from unrequited love, wherein flowers grow inside the victim's lungs and throat, causing them to cough up or vomit flower petals.’
Wow. Thanks Wikipedia. Okay, well, I’m totally dying, I realized. Hanahaki Disease? Really? Of all things? Really? I mean like, come on! That’s crazy. There’s no…
Ahem. I need some water.
Anyways, like I said, to myself, there’s genuinely no way. I mean, in that one story he was able to get rid of the disease by confessing to his crush. But, I can’t do that! Not yet, at least! This isn’t fiction— oh, I’m so dead, I’m so dead, I’m so–
“Icchan… help me.”
“Blup blup.”
Yeah… I got this. Of course I do, I’ll give Hirose the pen, and then the cough will subside for a little while. And as long as I can hang around him a little bit every day, I’ll be fine! Surely! Oh, what about summer? That might not be possible. And breaks? Ah. And if I actually get sick? Hm. And if I’m too scared to talk to him? Yeah.
Okay, so, I may die. I’m so sorry, Icchan. I can’t do this.
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
Man, I’m such a bum. I bought these because I thought they were cute… but, really? Is this the best I could do? A pen? I’m so sorry, Hirose. I’ll do better for you when White Day rolls around for sure.
I really didn’t get enough sleep though… man, sleep sounds great. I’ll just put my head down for class. I won’t be missing much anyway. Even if I did pay attention, I’m sure I’d croak if I were to speak.
Click.
I dropped it! I’ll just go pick it up before anyone– oh, class is over. No one’s here. No need to worry.
“Is this yours? I knew right away because it’s an octopus!”
Why… Why Hirose? Why now… okay, wait, I can bring this back. Yeah, let me just lock in.
“Y-You can have it.”
Wow. Great going. Okay, well, I did it. Not exactly how I wanted to, but it’ll do. As long as I’m not actively rotting.
“This is great! It’s really cute.”
You know what? Great going, Nakamura! I couldn’t give him the T-shirt but, I’m glad he likes it. So that’s all that matters. On the topic of T-shirts… huh?
“H-Hirose, that T-shirt…”
“Oh, this? It’s the limited edition Aquapet T-shirt! I even preordered it!”
So he did get it after all? Okay, well, maybe the pen was better. Because the T-shirt would have been redundant. Totally not still coping with yesterday, not at– ack.
There’s this bile rising in my throat, that was close. I think I just choked down a flower or something. Wait, what?
“Isn’t it great?” Yeah, it is great, Hirose.
"Y-Yeah. It looks good on you.”
"I wasn’t sure if I should open it, but nothing beats wearing it, you know?”
That was close, but I guess next year I’ll do more research and try again. I have two more years to go for it.
“I don’t get those people who collect things and never open them? I mean, I guess it’s like an antique? Ohh, wait, that makes sense actually! I could never, but I think I get it.”
Whatever you say, Hirose. Just keep talking. Please don’t look at me. I think I’ll throw up. “Hey, Nakamura? Is everything–” Don’t look at me like that, Hirose.
Welp, that lasted long enough. “Y-Yup, good, everything’s fine! I’ll see you later!” Man, I’m such a loser…
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
White Day today. That’s cool. So… friend chocolate for Hirose. That’s the plan. I already got a box for him.
White Day has always been a really weird day for me. I haven’t been lonely, I guess. Just really isolated. So, actually, I take that back, I do feel pretty lonely during White Day. Seeing everyone nervous, giving their crush chocolate, sending gifts, and the happy smiles. And I… never had to even think about giving anything to anyone. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t think I was close enough with anyone in middle school for that to even cross my mind. Scratch just middle school, I think at all.
Like, imagine, a guy no one talks to walking up to another guy and saying ‘Hey, I got you some chocolate!’ It’d be no different than a random stranger you’ve never seen before doing the same thing on the street. They don’t know me. But, here I am.
Now that friend chocolate is standard, it's even normal for men to give each other gifts. Yup, just giving this to him as a friend. I’m sure he’s already gotten some from his own friends. For sure. Should probably take a mint real quick though.
“Morning!” Nope. Closing my bag, no way I’m letting him see this yet.
"Morning…”
“Morning.” I honestly couldn’t care for the rest of Hirose’s friends right now, but it’s obvious right now isn’t the time. Their conversation just blends.
Just what am I sneaking around for?
That’s right. It’s just friend chocolate, that’s normal. I’m normal, friend chocolate is normal. Maybe not me, but he’s bound to appreciate it either way. Even if he doesn’t have any for me.
I have to swallow down rising bile, maybe not just Hanahaki this time? Maybe just anxiety? Oh, wait, that’s a flower petal in my mouth.
Okay, well I can’t go to a trash can to throw up and then go to Hirose and say, ‘Hey, I got you chocolate. Friend chocolate, because I’m your friend.’ That’s weird, I’m weird, so that checks out.
I just silently munch on it enough to swallow it back down, if that doesn’t kill me maybe my nerves will.
Even as the day goes on, there’s just not an opportunity where Hirose is by himself. Why can’t he just be lonely like me? I take that back, I think that’s part of his charm. He’s so extroverted, and loud, and it’s obvious people like him. I can’t even imagine Hirose with my personality. It’s like a sin.
But, hey, he goes out of the classroom for a bit. Surely I can follow him uninterrupted!
I’m a creep.
Yeah, but I’ve come to accept it. As long as I’m not making Hirose weirded out or upset, I think all is well then. Don’t you think?
There’s no one else here, what am I talking about? Who am I talking to? I wish Icchan were here.
Hirose walks down the hall and enters Mr. Otogiri’s classroom, ah.
"...Welp.” There’s no way I’m able to interrupt Hirose and Otogiri’s conversation without looking more like a weirdo than I already am.
I go back to class and just sit down. Seriously, at this rate I’m eating this for myself.
"Hirose, let’s go.” I hear Oomori say, but now that I’m eyeing my chocolate box I just might. I could probably just convince myself that Hirose gave it to me, and eat them free of guilt!... Until, I wake back up from my dream that is. I may as well put it away.
“Oh, sorry. I have something to do. Go on without me.” Hirose says, and now’s my chance. I take my chocolate back up and steel my nerves, I’ve gotta do… oh, wait, I need some water.
“Yeah? In that case, see you tomorrow.” Thanks for keeping him occupied Oomori, I don’t know you well, but my internal opinion of you just shot up.
This is my chance! My very moment, now that he’s alone… that’s weird, wait. I’ve gotta do it now!
“Hey, Nakamura.”
Mr. Otogiri, please… not now.
“Could you take these books to Yamamoto for me?” I thought I said that last part out loud…
“I’ve got a faculty meeting. Sorry!” He dumps a couple of textbooks in my hands as I see Hirose leave. Just my luck.
"Thanks!” Yeah, sure, you’re welcome.
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
The sun’s already setting. Hirose must’ve left by now, I never got my chance.
I mean, at least I chose a chocolate Hirose might like. And also I like it. They go hand in hand. I think? I really wouldn’t know. But, honestly, I may just give them to Kana. She’d appreciate it more than… giving it to myself at least.
Just gotta put my shoes away now.
Oh. He’s here.
"Ah, Nakamura, you stayed late?” Hirose says he sounds a little on edge. Maybe he didn't expect me. That’s fair.
"Y-yeah.” I manage, but honestly, I’m surprised I said anything at all. I feel a flowery bile rise in my throat, It really has to be now or never. I just can’t believe he’s here.
“Are you busy with something?” You couldn’t imagine, Hirose.
"Mr. Otogiri asked me to do something for him.” It’s the truth, not that I’d ever lie to Hirose though.
We’re alone together.
“D-Did you have something to do, too?” I ask, a little shaky, but even looking back I’m not sure I blame myself.
“Oh, I was, uh…” Why is he nervous? Why did he turn his head?
"Um…” I give him a patient smile, all I can form.
“So, hey, listen?” Hirose asks, and the slight tension in my shoulders relaxes.
“Yeah?” I mutter.
“Did you, uh, get any chocolate from anyone?”
…Thanks for the reminder, Hirose.
That was so mean of me, I’m so sorry, Hirose. I didn’t… he can’t hear my thoughts. What does this matter? Actually— what was that question?
“What?! N-No?” I reply, it’s a little delayed, but it took some time for me to really process that as a whole. I swear, I see Hirose’s face soften. Something like pity, probably.
"I-I see…”
Chocolate? Really? Why would he ask about that? I don’t want to get my hopes too high, but what is this vibe? The setting sun through the windows, the fact they’re both alone. I’m almost tempted to wake myself up, but I don’t want to look silly in front of Hirose again. Not now.
“So, uh,” No, genuinely, what is this? Could it be…
“I actually…” This almost feels like… I really can’t stop myself from clutching my chest, to stop my beating heart. And then my throat as I push down another rise of bile and flowers. I need this.
Hirose goes silent for an eerie amount of time, but it gives me enough time for me to manage to recompose myself. At least the best I can.
“Actually, never mind. Sorry!” Hirose says, far too upbeat for him to actually be happy. Surely. Or maybe I just have a skewed image of him in my head. Hard to tell.
“Later!”
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
I swear, I can see Kawamura totally becoming a manga illustrator or creator for that matter. Her writing and art style are both really distinct and well-written. Or maybe I’m just utterly delusional.
But, after today…
“What am I going to do, Icchan? What do you think?”
My throat feels like it’s cleared up completely. Hirose was totally going to confess to me, just like in Kanamura’s manga. Surely! I know I’m delusional, but that’s 100% the look in every BL I’ve read!
“I mean, he didn’t actually say it, but still…”
This is awesome, today wasn’t bad at all actually. Hirose really was going to say it. I may have rolled around in my bed too long, because whatever delusion or ecstasy I was feeling began to subside a little. I should’ve savored it longer.
“You’re right, Icchan. I should calm down.” But, I got a plan for real this time. I’ll suggest walking home with me at the beginning of next week!
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
I get to class a little early, before Hirose at least so I can gather my bearings.
“Morning!” I hear him say, and all that composure gathering turns out to be for nothing.
He turns to me, “Morning!” And on autopilot, I respond, “M-Morning.” Like a loser.
Hirose walks over to his friends, but I can’t pull away my gaze for too long.
He’s acting so normal, like nothing’s changed. Because, I was probably just overthinking it. So silly of me to think I had a chance. But it’s not over yet! I won’t know unless I ask. I can do it! Just gotta find the right time.
The day passes quickly, my mind lingering on the thought of talking to Hirose. But when the time actually comes, I’m not as prepared as I’d want to be. I didn’t get enough time to simulate in my mind our interaction so I could plan for it.
"U-Um, Hirose.” Maybe I should take a public-speaking course in College… there’s no way I’d be able to survive the real world like this.
“Do you want to.. w-walk home together?” I offer, it’s a little flimsy, sure. But it’ll do.
“Oh, sorry. I’m walking home with someone else today.” He says it so easily, so calmly.
“Right. I get it.” I’m surprised I kept a straight face at all.
“Another time, I’m sure!” He waves me goodbye, and I return the favor.
Right when he leaves my hands go to my mouth to stop myself from throwing up. I’m causing a scene, I know I am. There are still people in class, but… It’s really hard.
He turned me down. I try to push it back down, but a flower petal falls to the ground. I leave the classroom quickly, not wanting to be associated with it.
But, on the upside today’s not my only opportunity. I’ve got time to figure it out. Find the right words, simulate the right conversation, and ace our next hangout. Hell, I could even ask him tomorrow!
I walk over to put away my shoes, and…
Oh.
“Hi, Aiki!” A girl runs up to him, and he turns to face her. I feel my throat starting to bloat.
“Hey.” He responds, and the two walk out of my sight.
It’s… fine. Guys have friends who are girls too, I mean Kana is my friend. I don’t fault Hirose. But that doesn’t help my nerves in the slightest.
“Isn’t that Hirose and Hana?” Someone… oh, that guy, from those places, Takeuchi says. Hana? That’s a nice name.
“Oh, Hirose’s girlfriend.” That one dude, Ma… what?
“That started last week, right? On White Day?”
“She’s in Class 1, right?”
Please leave so I can throw up.
“I’m going to mess with them, hehe…”
“Please don’t.”
“Why not? I haven’t walked home with Yuuka yet.”
Please leave so I can throw up.
“And you never will.”
Girlfriend?
I find the nearest trash can and let it all go. Blood, bile, flowers, it doesn’t matter. All of me in one place. The flower petals looked nice though. I think they’re Nightshades? I should become a florist and sell only these. Because… there’s no way I can let go.
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
Girlfriend? Huh?
Girlfriend.
I don’t like that word on my tongue.
The next day, class went by like a blip, I swear Mr. Otogiri told me to do something, and I did it. But I can’t be bothered to really remember.
“Hey, Hana’s here.” Someone says, surely one of Hirose’s friends. That’s stupid, no shit, who else?
Hana… I equally don’t like that name on my tongue.
“Hey, lovebirds!” Shut up, Takeuchi.
“Shut up-” Yeah, what Hirose said.
God, he looks so embarrassed. And Hana looks… nice, I guess? If I could draw, and if I were straight and told to draw a pretty-looking girl, she’d look something like that.
“Were you waiting long?” She says. She has a nice voice. I can see how Hirose fell in love.
“No, it’s okay. Sorry for making you wait.” Hirose responds, but I just focus on not trying to actively hurl. Something is growing in my chest, festering and burrowing deeper.
I’m not going to survive this month for sure. Maybe in both ways.
He looked so happy. Laughing, blushing a bit, walking out, leaving me.
I should leave. There’s no one else here.
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
As I’m walking home, I swear every couple appeared on the street. To mock me. I know they didn’t but, can you blame me? Everyone’s so happy. So many people walk around with their partners. Holding hands, kissing, just normal things. So many normal people.
Just, why? Why do I have to be like this? I mean, I’ve tried liking girls. Forcing myself to find them attractive, not that I’ve ever acted on asking them out. Or even like, talked to one in a romantic way. I just don’t get the appeal. I mean, sure, they’re cute. But… I don’t know. I can’t place it.
I want to love someone, I want to love someone so bad. And have them love me so bad. I can offer more! I can change whatever they need. Whatever they want. I don’t care, I just need them to say the word. What I’d do just for someone to care… just care at all?
There are so many things I could do, I feel like I could talk about marine life for hours. Maybe I could talk about my favorite shows and manga, but is there really anyone who would listen?
I mean, if I were to just bed rot until these flowers bloomed. What happens next? Would Hirose really miss me? He’s been friends with Oomori longer, and even with Matsumura. He can replace me, no one would know. But maybe I should rot somewhere else.
I’d worry Mom and Dad a bit. They’d check in, and find me maybe still alive, and then I’d have to come back to school and see him all over again? Maybe by the ocean? Can I even bike there before getting too tired? I doubt it.
I’m sorry, Icchan. I’ll stick around a little longer, don’t worry. Just…
He got a girlfriend. I mean, of course he did. Hirose’s really nice, just by first glance I fell in love. Plus, Hana’s cute. They make a good couple, just like I saw earlier. I’m sure they make a good couple. As long as he’s happy, I think… I can be too. Ack—
Fuck, wait no, wait– trashcan, now.
I found an alleyway and let it all go again. I feel like it’s ripped my throat out, shredding my organs. It just doesn’t stop the more and more I throw up, it’s purely flowers, nothing more. Its roots are really starting to take form in my lungs, my stomach, my heart, it hurts.
But, I got time. I’ll go to class, I’ll go home, I’ll feed Icchan, I’ll… commission something from Kawamura. Maybe buy myself more time. Yeah. More time.
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
I barely remember anything from school. I tried wearing a mask to make it easier to keep the flora down, but I just looked silly.
“Kawamura,” I say, my voice a little raspy. Not that I could do anything about it.
“Huh? Nakamura?” She seems a little distracted, fair.
“Can you draw the conclusion of that manga about Hirose and me in this?” I ask, handing her the notebook. My voice wavers, a little shaky. Hope I’m not giving anything away.
“I- uhm,” She also looks a little surprised but she takes it. “Yeah, okay.”
— — — — — — — — — — —— — — — — — — — — — —
“Later!” Hirose says, running off to the door.
What? Why is his face so red? The vibe, it just felt so… romantic. Not that I’m getting my hopes up or anything. But, a boy can imagine. Besides, this is the best White Day he’s ever had.
“Nakamura! Actually, forget about it again!” Hirose rushes back over to me, and I freeze.
He came back? Really?
Hirose seems to chuckle a bit at my appearance, all frozen. “I… uhm, wanted to talk to you about something.”
He pauses, watching me, still frozen before speaking again. “Did I scare you? Sorry…”
“Hirose…” I mutter, but Hirose digs in his bag to look for something.
“I mean, actually, not talk. But you know? I wanted to give you this.” He shuffles through a few items.
“Here! I didn’t find the right time until now.” He passes me a white box, “I- I don’t know why I got so nervous.” Hirose looks so nervous. It’s adorable.
“I- I think you deserve it, you’re a good friend after all.” He continues and he’s blushing.
“I know it looks weird, but who cares?” He brushes it aside, as I take the box with shaky hands. This is real… “A friendship chocolate!" Hirose finishes but my face burns from blushing.
A good friend, huh? Yeah, I’m keeping this box forever. Kill me if I ever open this.
“You don’t like it??” Hirose says, his voice a little strained, and I look back to find the other boy embarrassed. I guess I was too silent.
“No! I mean— yes, I love it!”
I should tell Kana to change this page. I would’ve stuttered.
“I also got chocolates for you!!” I say, as I dig in my bag.
“Really?!” Hirose looks so happy in this, he's practically beaming. Smiling ear to ear.
“Yeah, they’re right here…” I say, pulling out—
Rip.
That could never happen. Just what was I thinking?