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Eli had spent so long bunking with Thrawn, he could tell how he was feeling just from the way he breathed. Long and slow meant he was asleep. Long, slow, and heavy meant he was trying to go to sleep. Quiet and medium-paced was the regular.
Though, one thing was unusual. On two out of three nights, he would wake to Thrawn’s short and sharp breaths, sometimes even gasping. To him, it sounded like Thrawn was having some sort of nightmare. He didn’t even know if Chiss dreamt, let alone had nightmares, but he would always check anyways.
“You alright?” he would call, leaning slightly over his mattress.
“Yes,” the somewhat strained reply would come, sometimes after a worryingly long pause.
Eli would rarely press further. He was concerned, of course—Thrawn seemed quite distressed most nights—but he didn’t want to be rude or intrude. Thrawn cast no signal that he wanted help, and Eli thought it would be quite weird, asking your superior officer if he needed comforting in the middle of the night, anyway. They were all grown-up soldiers; most would say they didn’t need comforting, anyhow. He thought that was somewhat unfair. Most soldiers go through things nobody should have to, especially in wartime.
Eli thought that he should perhaps do more next time.
~
“Goodnight, Eli.”
“Night, Thrawn.”
The two had settled down for the night after a long evening of sorting irrelevant data for Rossi. Stars, Eli hated that woman. She made Thrawn’s and his lives as hard as she possibly could, just because they weren’t from the Core worlds.
Absolute banthashit.
Eli settles under his sheets, curling slightly on his side, back against the wall. How Thrawn deals with this, he would never know. How can he just stand aside as all the unpleasant bogus tasks are assigned to him? Half the things he is ordered to do aren’t even useful; they are just to spite him. And he does nothing. Nothing.
Eli huffs a sigh. No use thinking about it now. What’s done is done, he supposes.
He closes his eyes, blocking out the blinking lights of the quarter’s computers, and lets the tide of sleep slowly carry him away.
~
There it is again. That feeling he knows all too well. The feeling that only takes hold in the dark, when he has nothing to do but retreat inside the depths of his own mind, and to the burning questions that lie there, waiting.
He tries to fight the fist that seems to be squeezing his lungs, making him struggle for breath, compressing his abdomen; to distract himself to a better, happier place. He can hear Vanto above him, snoring peacefully. He wishes he could be like that.
Sometimes he won the fight. Sometimes, he lost it.
Today, it would be the latter.
“Huuh!”
Blue, clammy hands grip the sheets like a vice, pupils dilate and red eyes widen, burning with sweat and brimming with tears. His chest is heaving up and down so fast he felt his lungs were about to burst; his strained breaths coming out in a short, sharp rapid fire. His throat tightens, clenched in fear’s grip. He can feel his heart pounding, in his neck, ears, stomach, fingers—everywhere, relentless.
Thrawn holds his lungs, counting to three, then releases the air, counting again, trying to calm himself. Once he has his body under control, he casts his gaze around the room.
Eli’s infrared signature is still above him, though he is moving too much to be asleep. He leans over the bunk.
“Thrawn? Was that you?”
He takes a moment to reply, trying to make sure his vocal chords are still functioning properly.
“Yes,” he swallows.
“Uh… Are ya alright?” he pauses, remembering honorifics, “Sir?”
“Yes,” Thrawn replies a bit too quickly.
“Ya sure? Ya don’t sound alright.”
“I-I… I am fine.”
Eli’s brows crease. “No, ya aren’t. Ya never stutter.” His voice softens slightly, “Ya can tell me if somethin’s wrong, ya know? I’m not gonna do anythin’ against ya.”
Thrawn hesitates. “Thank you for your concern, but I am all right. I just had a few unsettling thoughts. That is all.”
Eli exhales loudly through his nose. Thrawn hears the rustling of sheets, and then Eli is standing before him, a cowlick in his hair, rubbing his eye, still half-asleep.
“Look,” he says, waving a hand. “I’ve sat up there and just listened for far too long. I know somethin’ is wrong. You’re stressed. Like, a lot. Enough to wake you up two nights outta three.”
He pauses, his gaze flicking away from Thrawn’s. He sits on the edge of the bed, his added weight sinking the mattress slightly, pulling Thrawn towards him.
“I don’t know what exactly is going on. A-And you’re my friend, Thrawn. My only friend. I care about ya, I’m worried about ya.” His face lights up in the infrared, Thrawn offhandedly notes. “I want to help, but I can’t if I don’t know what the issue is. I know ya think somethin’ bad’ll happen if you reach out. Ya think everyone is against ya, and rightfully so. Most people are.
“But not everyone. Not me.”
Thrawn just stares at Eli, eyes slightly wider than usual, shocked by his speech. He takes in his face and form, trying to read his body language.
He is absolutely sincere.
Thrawn’s lips part. Then close again.
“Do you… Do you truly mean what you say?” he asks.
Eli nods solemnly, “Yes.”
Thrawn shuffles over, putting himself in the corner, and pats the spot next to him, signalling for Eli to move there. He does so, although somewhat reluctantly. One does not normally sit in bed with a superior officer. But then again, this is no normal situation.
And so he sits next to Thrawn, pressing his arms firmly to his sides, trying to leave a somewhat dignified gap between them.
Thrawn’s airways tighten as he turns his head towards Eli, his words catching in his throat. Is he making a mistake, inviting him to his bed and confessing his deepest fears to him? His mind says yes, but his heart says no.
For once, he decided he’d listen to his heart.
“I keep having… strange dreams and thoughts. About death and its nature… What do you think happens to your conscience when your bodily functions cease? Is there an afterlife? Eternal punishment or reward? Something else? Or nothing at all?” He cups his face in his hands. “I-I…” His words catch on the sob building in his throat. “I d-do not wish to leave this existence. I rather enjoy it.”
It is now Eli’s turn to be stunned into silence. He isn't quite sure what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. “Well, uh…” Eli isn’t sure what to say to comfort him. How could he, when the thing Thrawn fears is inevitable?
Thrawn looks at him, eyebrows slightly raised, “You do not have an answer, do you?” He doesn’t say it in an angry tone, he just sounds sullen… defeated. “Well, I do, but I dunno if it’s a good one.”
Thrawn waves his hand, as if to say ‘Go ahead.’
Eli hesitates, his lips curling downward, before he opens his mouth to speak. “I guess it’s gonna happen to everyone, sometime, somehow. Ya can’t stop it. It’s just how things are. I’m gonna go sometime, you’re gonna go, too. There’s no stoppin’ it.”
He leans back on the wall, tilting his head up, eyes focused somewhere on the bottom of his bunk. Thrawn’s gaze remained fixed on the man sitting next to him on his bed.
“I can’t tell ya if there’s anythin’ that comes after. I don’t know. Nobody does. I guess that’s what’s so scary about it.”
He shifts his gaze back to Thrawn.
“But I can tell ya that you’re right here, right now. I think you might as well make the most of it. No use frettin’ about somethin’ ya can’t do anythin’ about, ya know? You’re shootin’ yourself in the foot, worryin’ ‘bout all this. Enjoy life while it lasts, I suppose. Stressin’ about things ya can’t control, all the time, ain’t gonna improve your quality of life.”
Thrawn considers Eli’s words, eyes downturned as he fiddles with his thumbs. Silence follows, leaving each with their thoughts.
Eli wonders if he’d worded that alright. Some of it sounded a little harsh to him, though he didn’t mean it that way. Thrawn is still thinking, his right thumb tapping his left.
“Perhaps you are right,” he finally speaks. Eli nods, “Glad I could help.” He isn’t quite sure what to say or do anymore. An awkward moment passes between them. Eli pointed behind himself with his thumb. “I guess I’ll just…” His voice trails off as he begins extracting himself from the bottom bunk.
“Eli?”
He turns around, half-crouching between the floor and the bed. “Yeah?”
“Would you stay? With me?”
“Wha… Whaddya mean?”
Thrawn’s face flushes with the slightest purple. “Would you consider spending the night down here?” he asks, furiously avoiding eye contact.
It is now Eli’s turn to blush.
“I- uh… Sure, if ya want me to,” he says, completely bewildered. “Only if you are comfortable,” Thrawn adds.
Eli doesn’t answer, instead laying atop the sheets, balancing on the edge of the bunk. Thrawn looks at him, his eyebrows creased upwards. He turns on his side, placing his arms in the empty between himself and Eli.
Eli just lies on his back, reminiscent of a plank of wood. He’s never been in the same bed as his friend and commanding officer; he doesn’t want to make this already strange situation any stranger.
Thrawn places his hand on Eli’s shoulder.
“May I?” he asks, his question vague.
“Yeah,” Eli says. If it makes Thrawn feel better, why not?
Though, suddenly, his hand is no longer on his shoulder. His fingers tighten on Eli’s body, and he brings him close, arms squeezed across his chest as if he is afraid that if he let go, Eli would disappear, never to be seen again. He presses the back of Eli’s head to his neck, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of his hair.
Eli squeaks, the abrupt intimacy startling him. Thrawn’s grip loosens, his hands still clasped around Eli’s ribs. “My apologies. Are you… uncomfortable?” “N-No, it’s fine.” “Are you sure? You can return to your bunk if you wish.” “No, I- uh- It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He feels Thrawn nod. “Very well.”
Silence prevails, and Eli slowly but surely settles into Thrawn’s arms. It is quite nice, he supposes, the warmth and weight of it. Who knows, maybe it will help him sleep too.
Once again, his eyes flutter shut as sleep gently takes him away, a small smile warming his face.