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“Ilya, Mariya has the dentist at 10:30, don’t forget!” Shane yelled from the front door as he was about to leave for the day.
“Yes, Shane. You have reminded me every thirty seconds for the last two days, and circled it on the calendar, and put it in my phone calendar. I couldn’t forget if I tried,” Ilya retorted, irritated with Shane’s assumption that he couldn’t keep track of the daily activities, he made the calendar for god’s sake!
Shane slid his sunglasses on his face, keys in hand, “And you have to bring her back to school after.”
Ilya groaned, “Fine, seems pointless to go back for two hours, but whatever you say.”
“It’s an unexcused absence if she doesn’t go back!”
“Oh, boo. Whatever will we do with our delinquent daughter with one unexcused absence?”
“Ilya. Back to school after. Lunch and then back to school. Love you!”
“Love you too.”
Mariya came downstairs once she was ready for the day, backpack slung over her shoulder.
“Mashenka, I will pick you up at ten, okay?”
“Okay, but do I really have to go back to school after? It’s the third week, nothing we’re doing is hard yet, and there’s no soccer practice after school,” She complained, arms crossed standing in the living room.
Ilya chuckled, “Yes, Dad says is very important you go back to school after for two hours.”
Ilya could see the wheels turning in her head, “Okay, but what if we just didn’t tell Dad? You know, we could have a Papa and Mariya day, he wouldn’t even have to know!”
“Are you saying we lie to Dad, something we are both terrible at, knowing he will be very mad?”
“Come on, you’re a parent too, you can make decisions! I know you want to, we could go somewhere good for lunch, not just McDonalds, do some shopping, go to the batting cages. It’s a beautiful day! It would be fun!”
“It would be fun. But Dad says you go back to school, so I do what he says. Maybe this weekend, Solnyshko.”
Mariya let out a huff, “Okay, fine. But how many more opportunities are we going to have to do this until the baby comes? Lilya is coming in May!”
Mariya had latched onto the name Lilya very early in their decision to have another baby, something that made Ilya blush every time for obvious reasons to himself and Shane, “Okay, we don’t know if she’s a girl, and her name is not Lilya, but you can’t use that as reason every time we don’t do something you want. We’ll do something fun this weekend, I promise. You’re going to miss the bus, get outside. Ya tebya lyubyu, Masha,” Ilya said as he kissed her forehead. She tolerated it for Ilya’s sake, but rushed out the door.
Ilya spent the morning cleaning up around the house, thoughts swirling around his head, it will be much harder once baby arrives. He hated that an eleven-year-old could be so convincing, but honestly, he was convinced. They had eight more months until they would be a family of four, and would be bringing an infant with them everywhere they went. Ilya was overjoyed at the thought, but also didn’t want to miss out on any extra time he could have with his first born.
His phone buzzed as he was switching the laundry.
Shane: How hard did she try to convince you to not bring her back to school?
Ilya: Extremely. She’s very convincing. But I am strong.
Shane: Hell yeah, you are. Good job ❤️
Ilya felt a pit in his stomach, knowing what he really wanted to do, but he didn’t want to disappoint Shane. He would be strong, he would get her lunch through a drive thru and take her right back to school, just like they always did. They would do something fun together this weekend, and all would be well. He told himself this over and over, but still, that feeling nagged in the back of his mind.
Ilya hearted Shane’s message and slipped his phone back in his pocket. He wouldn’t give in to the temptation.
He got dressed, tightening his belt buckle, will take her right back to school.
He tied his sneakers, will stop at drive thru, get myself a large coke and buy her lunch, steal some of her chicken nuggets, and go right back to school.
He grabbed his keys from the hook on the wall, locking the front door as he went to the side garage door, will go to grocery store after I drop her off.
He absentmindedly put the aluminum bats for the batting cage in the trunk of the Mercedes, will sweep the floors when I get home while I wait for Mariya to get off the bus.
He arrived to the school to pick up Mariya, signing her out at the front office, walking with her out the front door of the middle school back to the car.
“Have you thought about it?” She asked once they were seated in the car.
“No because you are going back to school.”
“Ugh, you’re supposed to be the fun one.”
The energy changed after the appointment, Mariya carrying a small plastic case with her last baby tooth in it, Ilya with paperwork in his hand containing a referral for the orthodontist.
Mariya groaned all the way to the car, buckling herself in theatrically as Ilya settled into the driver’s seat, tucking the paperwork in the glovebox.
“That was rough,” Mariya said.
“Yes. Not how I thought today would go,” Ilya laughed, looking at his daughter who had the most pathetically fake frown on her face.
“First they pull my tooth out, then they hit me with the worst news a middle school girl can get. Insult to injury,” Mariya said, laughing now.
This makes Ilya laugh harder, “Okay, dramatic. It fell out, and yes, is devastating news.”
“And then they have the balls to give it back to me! What am I supposed to do with this!?” Mariya said, shaking the plastic case in her hand.
Ilya is now in hysterics, “Hey! I need that for baby book! And don’t say it like that, you are smarter than that,” he said, taking the plastic case from her.
“That’s disgusting to keep it, Papa. But you know what would make me feel better?” She propositioned, a smirk on her face as she stared deep into Ilya’s soul.
Ilya knew it was coming, and honestly, his willpower was wearing thin. What Shane didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, right? And his daughter was a good kid, she never missed school or activities, she deserved a fun day to get in a little trouble.
“Fuck it, let me call the school.”
“Yes! Fuck it!”
“MARIYA.”
Ilya called the school and told them Mariya wouldn’t be returning to school for the rest of the day. The school nurse was covering the desk, clearly hoping that nobody would call while she was covering the secretary while she was in the restroom, who gave a quick okay and hung up the phone.
Ilya promptly turned his phone on do not disturb, queued up he and Mariya’s favorite playlist full of pop music, and drove to lunch, giggling the entire way.
They went to their favorite Italian restaurant, ordering numerous baskets of garlic knots, filling themselves up with pasta. They chatted about anything and everything, like they always did, but Ilya could tell that something was bothering her.
When she talked about school, she was animated, excited even though she often would say she hated it. He knew she liked feeling accomplished, and she always succeeded with school. She was in advanced courses for all of her classes, taking seventh grade math and science courses. However, when she talked about her friends and the soccer team, her responses were more clipped. Less excited. She was a great soccer player, and an even better softball player. She even made the varsity soccer team as a sixth grader, only her and one other managing to make it on the team of mostly eighth graders, so he couldn’t quite figure out where the lack of enthusiasm was coming from.
“You have home game on Friday, under the lights too. Are you excited?” Ilya said between bites of pasta.
Mariya paused before she spoke, “Yeah, it’ll be fun.”
Ilya pressed further, “You are starting wing. Will be lots of fun, you haven’t played under the lights before.”
“Yeah, I guess. Just, weird playing on a new team, I think.”
“Yes, but they are closer to your level, so they can keep up with you.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think they really like that I can keep up with them.”
Ilya paused, she’d always been a star on her teams, a leader, “Are you having problems with girls on your team?”
She bit the inside of her cheek, not quite looking at Ilya, “I guess? They just don’t really talk to me, or include me in stuff. Mikayla, the other sixth grader on the team, feels the same way. They don’t like that we start over some of the older girls, so they just don’t really acknowledge us. I’ll be completely open and they won’t pass to me, during drills nobody ever wants us in their group, it’s just different. All my friends are either on the JV team or not in my classes, so I don’t see them very much.”
Ilya understood this all too well. He was never quite liked on his teams until he went to the MLH. His entire childhood and teen years were full of peers trying to ice him out. He knew that he had no choice other than to succeed, so he didn’t let it bother him, but his daughter did have a choice.
“Do you still want to play with this team?” He asked thoughtfully.
She fervently nodded her head, “Yes! I don’t want to stop playing, I just need to figure out how to make it work. The softball team isn’t like that, I already talk to all of those girls, even the older ones, and they’re all really nice. It’s just the soccer girls. They can be mean at school to everyone, popular girls. I don’t really fit in with that, and I don’t really want to either. Maybe it’ll be better next year.”
Ilya took all of this in. He knew middle school would change things, that being a teenage girl wasn’t easy by any definition, but what he couldn’t understand was how anyone could dislike his daughter. She was generous, funny, talented, and smart. She was everything he could have hoped his child would be, and he couldn’t understand how others didn’t see that.
“Do they say mean things to you at school?”
Mariya looked solemn, almost like she might start to cry, but quickly blinked away any tears that might have threatened to fall. She never cried, something that concerned Ilya at times, but he knew when to push and when not to.
“Sometimes. It’s usually stupid stuff, just about how I’m too young to be there, that I look like a kid still, braces definitely aren’t going to help with that,” she said, forcing out a laugh.
“Sometimes it’s more hurtful, saying that I just got on the team because of my last name, or that you guys paid the coach to get me on varsity. I know that you didn’t, and I know I worked for it, but it still sucks.”
Ilya was quickly enraged. Shane and Ilya knew virtually nothing about soccer, they couldn’t get her ahead if they tried; everything Mariya had, she earned herself. That was something they had always agreed on, that they would give their kids what they needed to be successful, but they had to do it themselves. He took a steadying breath, taking himself out of the insult.
He shook his head, “You know you did it all yourself, right? I couldn’t have done it for you, neither could Dad. And you should be so proud of that. We are so proud. And if you decide this team is not working for you, then we will find you new team. Is not problem.”
Her mood lifted at this, smiling softly, “I know, Papa. I want to keep trying, but I’ll tell you if I don’t want to play with them anymore. I really wanted to stay home because the meanest girls are in my math class last period, and I just needed a break.”
“Then I guess we need to go have some fun. If you ever need to take a break, just tell me. I’ll figure it out.”
Shane sat in his office at the University rink between meetings. His phone only had certain numbers that would come through while he was working; Ilya, Mariya, Hayden, and the school, so when his phone started to vibrate with a call, he was confused. The school’s number lit up on the caller ID. He just brought her back, what could have gone wrong? He thought as he picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Mr. Hollander, this is Mary at Central Middle, forgive me, I tried to call Mr. Rozanov first since he was the one who called us while I was on a break, but the call wouldn’t go through. I just wanted to let you know that since Mariya is out for the rest of the day we’ll just need a note from the dentist to excuse it, and if it goes unexcused, she has four more for the semester. Just wanted to keep you in the loop!” The secretary said cheerfully.
Shane’s neck instantly felt warm, knowing exactly what happened. He was irritated, knowing that Ilya went against what he said he was going to do. He mumbled a quick thank you before ending the call. He went to Ilya’s text thread, seeing the moon icon above the text bar indicating that he had turned his notifications off, typical.
He took a few calming breaths, focusing on the important parts. His daughter was with Ilya, she was safe, she was a smart girl who wouldn’t fall behind. As much as he was angry that Ilya had caved, a small part of him hoped that they were at least having fun.
He called the dentist and got the excuse note sent to his email, and promptly forwarded it to the school. His daughter didn’t need an unexcused absence. He decided that he could take the rest of his meetings from home, packing up his computer and heading home at 12:30, just thinking about how great it will be to greet his wonderful family when they get home from their day of wreaking havoc.
Ilya and Mariya went to the outlet mall and shopped for new clothes, something that had gone by the wayside this Fall with how busy they’d been working with the IVF clinic, preparing for their newest addition. She told Ilya that she needed clothes that looked more like she was a teenager, something that killed Ilya a little bit, but he understood. He swiped his card over and over, loading her arms with bags from Abercrombie and Brandy, as well as new shoes. She told him about the more exciting parts of middle school, how excited she was to go to her first football game with her friends Saturday night and paint their faces with school colors.
His daughter amazed him, how she could talk at length about how the girls on her team were bullying her, yet an hour later, was back to discussing all the great things going on. He’d never been that positive, neither had Shane. It made him feel like he was doing something right as a parent, and he was glad he went with his gut today to keep her out of school. Maybe he’d needed it as much as she did.
They wouldn’t have time to hit the batting cages before they needed to be home, and Ilya promised they would go on Sunday and Dad could join them too. They would make it home in time before Shane came home, Ilya would pull out some chicken to defrost and dinner wouldn’t be derailed, and their little secret would go off without a hitch.
What they didn’t expect when they got home was to see Shane’s car in the driveway.
“Papa, what is Dad doing home?” Mariya said in a panic.
Ilya let out a breath, “This is not good, Solnyshko. I don’t think we’re getting away with this one.”
Ilya pondered if they should leave the shopping bags in the car, but he figured it would only be worse if they tried to hide anything else. He loaded her up with the bags, “Dad will be fine, Solnyshko, I’ll take the blame, don’t worry,” he said, taking the paperwork out of the car from her appointment, slipping the plastic case with her tooth in it into his pocket.
“We’re gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight,” Mariya said.
“Why would you be sleeping on the couch? You have a room?”
“Well, I’m not gonna let you take all the punishment yourself!”
This made Ilya laugh, “Okay, let’s go deal with our consequences. Was fun though, I don’t regret it.”
They walked through the front door, and Shane was sitting on the couch, looking right at them, “Hello my wonderful family! School must end early these days, doesn’t it?” Shane says sarcastically, Ilya and Mariya walking in slowly, staying far away from the couch. Mariya is guiltily looking down at the floor, dropping some of the heavier bags down.
Shane gets up and walks over to her, “did you get some good stuff, love?” he said, hugging her, she reluctantly hugged him back.
“Yeah, I did actually. Needed new school clothes, you know?” She said shakily, smiling at her dad.
Shane laughed, “I’m sure you did, you’ll have to show me later, can you head up to your room for a minute? You’re not in trouble, don’t worry. I just need to talk to Papa for a minute.”
“Dad, it was my idea, don’t be mad please!” She said anxiously.
“Honey, I’m not mad, it’s okay. I’ll talk to you in a little bit, just head upstairs for a little bit.”
She left it at that, taking her bags and heading up the stairs.
“Am in big trouble, yes?” Ilya said, standing stiffly near the front door, not yet venturing into the living room.
Shane’s softness he’d had for Mariya disappeared, becoming harsher, “Yes. You told me you’d bring her back to school!” He said in a whisper, not wanting Mariya to hear him upset.
“Yes, but she needed day off. Got bad news, she needs braces. She was sad,” Ilya tried to explain.
Shane ran a hand down his face, “Ilya, no that’s not great news, but it’s not something to keep her out of school for.”
“They pulled out last baby tooth, she was hurting.”
Shane now looked concerned, “Wait really? She got a tooth pulled? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well, not exactly. It fell out during appointment. But still! She was not happy and needed pick me up.”
Shane let out a deep groan, “Ilya. She was fine. She didn’t need to stay out of school. I only knew because the school called asking for an excuse note. Were you going to hide it from me?”
Ilya paced the living room now, hands deep in his pockets, “Maybe! Why can’t you trust me that she needed an afternoon off?”
“Well, enlighten me, why did she need the afternoon off? Since apparently, we make parenting decisions independently now and deal with the aftermath later.”
Ilya was upset now, feeling the distrust coming from Shane. He wrung his hands and glared at Shane, now standing still in the center of the living room, unable to hold back his anger anymore. He was just as capable of making parenting decisions as Shane was, and he was not about to let him win this argument. He was going to keep Mariya’s admissions to himself, but he couldn’t keep it in.
“Did you know soccer team is bullying her? During games, at practice, and at school? Did she tell you that? Or that she feels alone, being in the advanced classes with older kids? I’m sure she told you that too. She is having hard time, and I just wanted her to have a break. But no, we have to make our kids be perfect little machines that push through everything! She is a good kid that needed a break. And I don’t feel bad about doing it!” Ilya said a bit too loudly, waving his arms.
Shane deflated. He hadn’t known. How could he? Mariya never talked about it. But clearly, a breaking point had been met.
“Really?”
Ilya’s speech slightly softened, “Yes. She told me all about it, and that she’d been asking to take the rest of the day off because the girls that are mean to her are in math class at the end of the day. Yes, I caved before I knew, but I could tell she needed it.”
Shane hadn’t been paying enough attention. He’d been so distracted that he hadn’t spent enough time to really ask how things had been going. He was so excited that she made varsity, that she was a starter! He’d never thought to ask about everything else that came with it. The guilt settled deep into his stomach.
“Oh god. I’ve completely missed the whole point. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Yes. You were wrong. Is possible,” Ilya said, still angry.
“I should have trusted you and I’m sorry that I didn’t.”
“Right. But, I’m still, impulsive, parent that can’t make right choices, yes?”
“No, Ilya. That’s not true and I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to. Am going for a walk, we will talk when I am less angry. Talk to Mariya. Love you,” Ilya said, sure to give Shane a kiss before he left. As angry as he was, he knew he just needed to cool off. They would talk it out when he got back and things would be okay. They always were.
Shane wiped his eyes, upset that he’d been so obtuse. Why did he still need to have so much control? Obviously Ilya was a great parent, he wouldn’t have had a child with him if it weren’t the case, let alone another one. He was so upset with himself that he’d let himself believe that he always knew best. He had a lot to learn.
He cleaned himself up and went upstairs, knocking softly on Mariya’s door. He heard a quiet come in through the door, letting himself in.
He could tell Mariya had been crying, her face reddened. She was sitting at her desk, math book open, completing problems from the chapter they had studied today without her. Shane’s heart broke seeing it. She didn’t need to catch up right now; she needed to take a breath and be a kid for a second.
He saw himself in her, probably to her detriment. She was motivated like they both were, something that Shane loved, but if it was getting to a point where she was dealing with the pressure on her own, that wasn’t something he could accept. He walked to her desk, put her pencil in her book and closed it, kissing the top of her head.
“Are you mad?” She asked, wiping her eyes.
His heart cracked down the center another centimeter, “No, my love. I’m not mad. And I never should have been. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I get it, you said to go back to school, I should have listened.”
“No, none of that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry that I can push too hard sometimes. You needed a break, we all do sometimes. And I shouldn’t expect you to just push through it.” Shane said, his voice breaking.
Mariya looked over at Shane, standing from her desk, and crushing him into a hug. He felt her shoulders shake. He almost felt relieved to see her break; she rarely did. The last time he could remember her crying was almost two years ago, and he just didn’t want her to keep it bottled up, like he often did.
“What’s wrong, my love?” He said, softly rubbing her back.
She let it all out. School was difficult for the first time, not so much the content but the amount of work. Her friends were so distant these days. She didn’t fit in on her team like she always had. She quit band to make time for everything else and it made her sad to leave it behind. She was frustrated with herself for struggling to organize her life, schedule out the time for everything, and still have time to do the things she loved. She hadn’t picked up a book to read since school started. Her room was a mess and she couldn’t stand how everything was all over the place. She wasn’t even enjoying anything, it was all just something she had to do. The cherry on top, now she’d have to get braces on her teeth and would fulfill the ‘nerd’ prophecy her not-so-kind peers had already made for her.
Once she finished, Shane sat silently for a moment, you really are my daughter, aren’t you, he thought. He’d almost said it out loud, but this moment wasn’t about him. She just needed someone to listen. They could fix it all later, but for now, she just needed to let it out without boundaries.
They sat silently for a few minutes, her head sat slumped on Shane’s shoulder, clearly exhausted. He didn’t want to know how long she’d been bottling it all up, knowing the answer would likely tear his heart completely in two. He hadn’t heard Ilya come home yet, but knew he’d be coming through the door soon. He would fix that soon too, but for now, he just needed to stay right where he was.
“Do you feel better?” he asked softly.
“Yes.”
“Okay, so here’s the plan. No more homework tonight. I’ll send you to school tomorrow with a note if your teachers say anything, you can make it up. You’re going to put on your sweats, sit in your chair by the window, get your headphones, and you’re going to pick a book and read for fun. I’m taking your school bag downstairs, and you’re going to relax. I’ll bring up a snack and some water, and after dinner we’ll look at your school stuff and we’ll organize it all.”
She let out a relieved breath, nodding her head. She wrapped her arms around Shane, smiling this time, “thank you.”
Shane squeezed her tight, “Don’t thank me. This isn’t something you need permission to do, we’ll work on it and it’ll be better.”
Ilya’s pace started out fast. His heart had been pumping so fast that he needed his body to match it to make it all fade away. He knew Shane hadn’t intended to make him feel so incapable, but he still felt it. Maybe it was his own insecurity talking, it probably was. He would always know what his daughter needed, and he didn’t feel guilty for doing it, even when Shane didn’t agree.
He and Shane didn’t argue like this very much anymore. They worked so hard to be on the same page, and most of the time they were. He had been stupid to try and do it behind Shane’s back, this he could admit, but he couldn’t stand the distrust. He thought they’d worked through it all years ago? He thought they were better than this?
It made him afraid. In eight months, they would be starting all over, and all he wanted was to do it better this time. They had worked through the kinks with Mariya, which frankly were quite easy with her. She didn’t give them much they needed to work through. What if their new baby presented more challenges? Would they be able to figure it out again?
He walked through the streets of their neighborhood, the steam slowly letting out of the pressure cooker that was his mind. His pace eventually slowed and he took in a deep breath. The air was cooling down, the afternoon settling in and the September sun no longer providing the warmth it had during the daytime. The cool air felt good on his skin, bringing him back down to earth. He felt the plastic case with Mariya’s last baby tooth in it scratch into his thigh through the pocket. Maybe Mariya was right, that it was weird to keep, but he couldn’t just throw it away. It was a piece of her that he’d never get back, her childhood was slipping away from him. All he would have left of it soon were his memories; a thought that forced tears to wash over his eyes. He stared at the trees, the colors blurring as he looked up. He couldn’t help but think of all the times he’d pushed a stroller on these sidewalks, and dreamed of how he would soon be doing it once again.
By the time he made it back to the house, all of his angry energy had disappeared. He looked at their home and felt warm again. He could see the light on in Mariya’s room, and saw her sitting by the window with her headphones in. She wasn’t paying attention to him, but he marveled at her anyway. He wondered what she was doing, and he hoped that Shane would be waiting for him in the living room.
He opened the door to see Shane in the kitchen, filling a glass of water. He had a plate of strawberries with the tops cut off with some cheese and almonds sitting on the counter. He looked up at Ilya, placing the glass of water on the counter and coming over to him. Ilya closed the space, walking toward him too. They met in the middle and shared a soft kiss, Ilya wrapping his arms around Shane’s waist. He rested his head on Shane’s shoulder, and Shane moved his hand up to wrap in Ilya’s hair, holding him closer.
“I love you,” Shane said softly.
“I love you too,” Ilya repeated, his voice low and smooth.
Shane stepped back, promising he’d come back down in a second after he delivered her snack upstairs. Ilya kicked off his shoes and made his way to the kitchen, grabbing two beers out of the fridge.
Once Shane returned, they stepped outside onto the porch, sitting at the table.
Ilya spoke first, “I’m sorry I tried to go behind your back.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
They clinked their glasses and took a sip, “I didn’t realize she was holding so much in,” Shane admitted.
“She is good at it, like you are.”
“Wish she wasn’t like me in that way. She actually cried when we talked, I hate that it made me feel better to see her cry. She can be such an adult sometimes that I forget she’s only eleven,” Shane explained.
Ilya snickered, “She is, what is it called? Thirteen going on thirty? Is that what they say?”
Shane laughed, still finding it so endearing when Ilya struggles to remember English phrases, “Yes. She is very much thirteen going on thirty. I need to remember that she’s not thirty, and hopefully won’t be for a very long time. I wish I’d known that the soccer team wasn’t going as well as it seemed, I wouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it and unintentionally put that pressure on if I’d known.”
“But you didn’t know, so didn’t do anything wrong. I told her we will find new team if she doesn’t want to stay on this one,” Ilya said.
“We can do that. I also told her if she wanted to go back to band we would figure it out with her school schedule.”
They discussed how they would help her organize her life to make more time for herself. She was far too young to have no time for fun, and neither Shane nor Ilya would allow her to fall into the lives they had, where every moment was scheduled and planned.
“Shane, I think we should go to couples counseling before new baby comes. Make sure we are ready before,” Ilya said nervously.
Shane paused before a smile spread on his face, “I think that’s a good idea. It’s been a while since we’ve done all of this, would be good to make sure we’re still on the same team.”
“You are always on my team, moy lyubov.”