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The whole floor was buzzing with energy, from nobility and politicians alike. Filled with important people in the whole Fire Nation, Toph stood near the wall quietly observing through the noise and vibrations she picked up from the soles of her feet.
Beside her, Katara, Aang, and Sokka reside, talking in hushed voices, not wanting to draw attention to themselves.
Not that anyone would, since their attention are all focused on the newly engaged Fire Lord Zuko and the poised noble lady beside him— the woman the whole Fire Nation has been waiting for. Mai, Zuko’s fiancé.
One woman would listen to their stride, jaw tightening and fists shaking. Her eyes narrowed as her senses zeroed in on the pair. Toph is a sensible woman, but at that moment, petulance in her heart was palpable. Making her seethe with—
With what, exactly? Jealousy? She scoffed at herself.
Scoff she did, but it didn’t lessen the pressure in her heart. She could lie to herself all she wants in that instant, it’s not like anyone would stop her from doing so.
That’s right, she thought bitterly. It’s not like her friends know about her pining. Not even Katara.
“Man, being royalty is tough, huh? Even your engagement has to be in these stuffy banquets.” Sokka complained.
“The only thing making them bearable are these expensive, mouth watering, juicy meat foods they serve.” He said as he grabbed another one of those meat things from the tray as a server passed by them, eyes glistening while he looked at the food before him.
“It can be, but it is Zuko’s engagement, we have to be here for him.” Katara said, hitting her brother’s hand as he made an attempt to grab more than one from the tray.
“And it’s a good thing no one’s paying any attention to us. All their eyes are on Zuko and Mai.” Aang added.
Toph silently leaned against the wall, listening to her friends talk.
All the while they are going on about what’s happening, Toph veered her head down, drowning out the conversation.
“Look at them, it’s like they’re just teenagers again. Isn’t it lucky that Zuko gets to marry his childhood sweetheart.” Katara followed.
Heaving a sigh from what she heard, Toph raised her head. Earning a look from Katara.
She doesn’t even know why she’s staying here. Every second that passes it’s like the noises just get louder, irritating. The air around her is hot and humid—probably because the room is surrounded by firebenders.
The room feels cramped despite how aberrantly large it is, making it hard for her to breathe in air.
Toph feels suffocated.
Any longer she has to hear everyone congratulate Zuko and Mai, and she will actually combust.
Which is unmerited because this is an occasion for the both of them. Toph just wished she didn’t have to be there.
But it seems like she’s the only one who is behaving that way. The only one who is bothered, vexed, and desperately needs to get out for some air.
Pushing off from the wall with her arms crossed, her friends turned to her. “‘M going out for a while,” Toph mumbled.
“Seems like Zuko and Mai’s heading here, don’t you want to congratulate them?” Aang asked.
Toph held her breath with the mention of Zuko, but shakes her head, heading for the exit. “You guys talk to them, I’ll come back later.” She didn’t bother to hear what they had to say, with Zuko’s familiar footsteps heading toward them, she quickened her pace.
Stride rapid and hasty, she turned into the hallway, trying to discern where to go.
Toph was in that predicament when she remembered the first time Zuko told them about his betrothal with Mai.
———
He told them the night they defeated Tagah.
With the Republic City destroyed, houses and buildings suffering from the effort to take back Sonam’s temple to the Spirit World along with Tagah, they decided to camp out for old times sake.
Toph had just returned from washing up near a stream, washing up dirt and earth from her body. As the chill of the night air blew her long black hair, she hurried her steps to her friends, where a camp fire Sparky prepared will warm them up through the night.
She felt them before they could even hear her coming. Huddled around the fire, her friends talked in boisterous voices and as she suspected Sokka was the loudest of them all.
“So, because of some buff 1000 year old guy we just fought, we hadn’t had the time to catch up. How’s Team Avatar doing?” Sokka opened the conversation all of them were dancing around.
Toph smirked as she heard him. Probably just itching for gossip. But it was what she was waiting for—catching up and talking about what they missed from having their own lives.
“And I’m not talking about you, Aang, Katara. I literally just heard that you guys are planning for marriage. Don’t need to hear it again.” Sokka said before any of them could even answer.
“What— What are you-!” Katara sputtered embarrassingly while Aang flushed but still chuckled, easing his girlfriend from hitting her brother. Tucking her into his side by the waist, urging Sokka to whistle and prod the couple more.
The teasing received a hearty laugh from Zuko. The sound nearly made Toph’s heart skip a beat, though she quickly dismissed it. Stopping the fluttering of her heart before it even started.
Toph slowed down and leaned on a tree, smiling to herself. Aside from missing her friends and their shenanigans, there is one person she missed in a way she would never admit—not even to herself.
Opting to stay out of their earshot for a while she stayed leaning on the tree to keep that moment to herself.
“What I’m asking is how is our dear Fire Lord, huh?” Toph’s ears picked up at Sokka’s question. Wanting to hear what he might say.
Zuko’s breathing changed, the same way it would when he gets nervous. Toph feels it through the ground, the earth telling her more than what the man would say.
“Actually, there is something I want to tell you guys.” Zuko would say while placing his hand behind his neck, a sign of uneasiness Toph recognized from how long she had learned her friend’s mannerisms and language of body.
The earthbender waited in bated breath, curious to why he would react like that.
“My grand chamberlain has raised a few concerns with me in regards to leading the nation as Fire Lord.” Zuko announced.
“Man, that annoying chamberlain of yours? Doesn’t he get on your nerves?” Aang asked, knowing very well the elder can get a bit too much in making sure Zuko doesn’t mess things up, seeing he was still a teenager when he took over his father.
“Of course he does.” Zuko sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, remembering what his Avatar friend said in his letter, announcing to everyone what annoyance he feels about his chamberlain. “He recently talked to me about...” He hesitated.
That’s new, this intrigued the earthbender, she knew that Zuko rarely hesitated, always choosing to be transparent in front of them. Toph took this chance to continue heading to them, wanting to closely observe the firebender when he finally comes out with whatever that’s bugging him.
Her friends perked up at the sight of her. “What’s with all this talking? You telling a story, Sparky?” Toph said.
“Oh you know, Sokka wanted some messy gossip from us, from Zuko apparently.” Katara answered, scoffing and rolling her eyes.
“Hey, hey, I told you we need to catch up with each other’s businesses. It’s just right now Zuko has some announcement that just happened to be very interesting than ours right now.” Sokka said, defending himself.
“That right? Well, what is this royal announcement you have for us? Oh, Fire Lord Zuko.” Toph goaded him, joining Sokka in questioning Zuko.
Zuko looked between the two, glancing at Katara and Aang who are laughing and obviously enjoying this moment where he is the one getting pressed rather than them.
“He asked me about my plans for courting, marriage specifically.” He admitted, looking around them and waiting for their reaction.
Sokka was the first to react.
“Marriage again, what, I just heard my sister and my best friend having plans for marriage. Now you will have your own dilemma too?” He dragged his palm on his face. Aang laughed at his exaggerated response.
“That’s good, you know you are older than us so it just makes sense you’re having the marriage talk now.” Aang answered.
“Way to tell me I’m old.” Zuko covered his face with both of his hands, hiding.
“Oh, come on. Don’t be so modest, you’re ancient.” Katara joked, earning a laugh from her brother and her boyfriend.
“Who’s the lucky lady that will be crowned Fire Lady?” Sokka asked, hooking his arm around Zuko’s shoulder.
“I— actually, I’m thinking about asking Mai’s hand for marriage.” Zuko looked up, no longer covering his face with his hands.
Sokka whooped, while Aang and Katara exclaimed their glee for their friend, delighted that Zuko and them are on the same page.
Though amidst the banter, one person remained silent. Shock evident in her wide eyes, fists clenched and shaking, but her smile didn’t give away what she was feeling. Digging her fingernails in her palm she squeezed them hard enough to draw blood.
Not wanting to seem suspicious, she gave Zuko a punch in his shoulder. Putting up a show for him, the lessons she got when she was a kid, learning to smile by any means necessary for nobles, proved to be useful when she forced a smile for him.
Toph didn’t say anything, ears ringing from the news. Her body taut from holding in the hurt she was feeling. But she refused to crumble down, grounding herself as to not let her mask slip.
———
Her mind reeled from the memory. Recalling the sting and affliction she felt from what Zuko announced to them.
From then on her friends anticipated the formal engagement that would happen in the Fire Nation Capital where the Fire Lord resides.
Not Toph though, she couldn’t give a damn about the invitation. She spent weeks focusing on teaching her students—apprehensive, not giving half a mind about Zuko.
That’s why when the news arrived at Yu Dao, Ho Tun approached her with a letter in tow, she almost recoiled.
“Sifu Toph, uh, there’s a letter for you. From the Fire Nation, Fire Lord Zuko to be exact.” Her student said.
Toph wanted nothing than to crumple the paper, burn it, then bury it six-feet below the ground. But she knew better than to act irrationally in front of her student.
So, she grabbed the paper, untangled the tie, and shoved it at Ho Tun’s face, “Read.”
“It says here that you are invited to the formal betrothal of Fire Lord Zuko and Noble Lady Mai.” Ho Tun read on. “Looks like it will be held at the Fire Nation Royal Palace eight days from now.”
Eight days. Eight whole days to think of an excuse to not be present at the event.
She set the letter aside, thinking nothing of it and reassuring herself to just send a letter back, saying she had to handle a personal issue on that day.
By personal issue means mending her broken heart. And saving her herself from seeing Zuko and Mai together
But that proved to be useless when Katara, Aang, and Sokka appeared at her academy with Appa. So that they can all come together, Katara would say.
Bullshit. Toph wouldn’t go even if they killed her.
With a few more days to spare she made up all sorts of excuses to not go.
Each one they had a solution for. By the sixth day, two more days to—she gave up. Instead, joining Katara in looking for robes to wear.
Begrudgingly, Toph followed her lead and ended up with a fire red silk robe contrasting her usual sage green ones that she used to wear back in Gaoling.
Rather than to look back further days before, she focused on looking for a place to settle down and let the affairs inside die down.
She was glad for the empty veranda in the garden, somewhere she can stay until the horrid event finally ends. Toph actually believes this is the worst formal banquet she had the displeasure of being invited to. The atmosphere, the heat, the loudness—everything was getting on her nerves. She needed air, somewhere far away from the truth that Zuko is getting married.
So, in the garden with the pond she went.
Toph walked toward the pond, hearing the incessant quacking of the turtleducks residing in the body of water. Lifting her silk robe she tolerated wearing for this day no matter how itchy it is on her skin, how tight and annoying it feels, all for a special day—Zuko’s special day.
Sitting near the pond with her legs tucked neatly toward her left, both hands on the ground behind her, letting her lean her weight on the palm of her hands, she lifts her head upward.
Toph sighed, closing her eyes and feeling the earth beneath her hands. She tried not to find Zuko’s familiar heartbeat and footsteps next to Mai’s calculated and light ones. She screwed her eyes more tightly, listening to the servants in the kitchen moving in precise, practiced movements, the guards at the gate shifting weight from one foot to another, the busy clamour of people in the village. Anything to focus on other than the man she absolutely doesn’t want to look for.
She opened her eyes and let out a shuddering breath. This is humiliating, hiding in the Fire Lord’s garden because she can’t stand the excited chatter of nobles celebrating Zuko and Mai’s engagement.
Her chest clenched at that. One of her hands took place at where her heart is located. Toph is pretty used to this now, her hand immediately moving to press it at her sternum, trying to rub the ache away. It always seemed to happen when she thinks of the inevitable—Zuko’s marriage.
She’s unreasonable, she thinks. This is stupid, stupid, stupid, because why would she care if Zuko is getting married. She should be happy, right. He’s her friend, a close friend, so why is she so affected? Why does her heart always feel like it’s squeezing itself to a pulp, her throat closing in like a bile is coming up, making it hard for a breath of air to come in or out. Why does her eyes burn forcing her to blink continuously making her eyes just water by the simple thought of Zuko.
Zuko, who is now inside the palace, talking with politicians, nobles, and a bunch of nonsense who would like to congratulate him on his engagement. Zuko, who is walking, mingling with people with his fiancé beside him, looking like the perfect, groomed, respectable, noble lady she is. Zuko, who announced to his friends four weeks ago that he is getting engaged with his childhood sweetheart. Zuko, the same man who caught her mid-air in their battle with Tagah, the man who clutched her close to his chest when she came flying down, unable to catch herself on her own. Zuko, the very same man who she would trust her life with to carry her, when the ground feels too far away, the man she would cling to when flying Appa because of the way he would stabilize his breathing allowing Toph to copy him.
The very same man who she kept bugging because he didn’t go on a Life-changing Trip with her. But ended up giving her what she wanted and did go on a trip with her.
A trip that only made her fall harder and faster to her own doom.
Zuko, who swept her off her feet, the man who probably thinks she’s still that 12 year-old brat who has a weird fascination with him. But she’s not anymore. She’s a grown adult who thought she grew out of the silly crush she had for him but it only grew with her, until it consumed her and even if she admits it or not, the unwavering truth is right there on her face—she’s in love with him.
And it’s too late now, she thought bitterly. Should she have been more bold and upfront about her interest with him... Would anything ever change?
Before she could even ponder her next train of thought, she felt someone walking toward the garden. Light, purposeful, and careful.
Katara.
Getting her bearings together she turned to where her friend was coming from.
“I was wondering where you had disappeared to.” Her friend said with a smile.
Toph heard shuffling near her, indicating that Katara also sat on the ground with her. Still leaning on her hands, the earthbender shrugged. “Oh, you know, I had to escape the nobility before they all bore me to death.”
Katara chuckled. That’s good, that seemed perfectly normal and in character, distracting Katara with her sarcasm and wit from how torn up she feels right now.
“We were looking for you, Zuko, too,” Toph’s traitorous heart still thumped for the man despite moments ago it just started aching it could kill.
“We figured we need to leave the banquet now before Aang and Sokka starts looking for their own entertainment, they’re like children, honestly.” Katara ranted. “Zuko said we can hang on one of the private rooms so we can hide from everyone, just the five of us.”
“Oh wait, six of us. Mai will be with us.” Katara added, cheerfully. Toph paused, it would be bad for her with just the four of them with Zuko, but she’ll persevere. But with Mai? She might as well die.
Thinking of an excuse to stay there in the garden, Toph was interrupted by the waterbender.
“Do you think we can be close with Mai? Since I think she’ll be constantly with Zuko now.” Katara asked her, looking straight at her. Toph felt the need to share the sentiment to keep her friend’s enthusiasm but she cannot find the energy to pretend in front of Katara about Mai.
“Hmm,” Toph hummed. “Who knows, maybe she’ll be a girl friend of yours.” Toph answered, not bothering to include herself.
“It’s weird, isn’t it? Zuko getting married, he is older than us but I never got around the idea of him actually settling down.” Katara confessed.
Not having anything to say good about what her friend said, Toph kept her thoughts to herself. “How about you, Toph? What do you think about it?”
“I don’t know, Katara. I mean in our group the ones I really expected to settle down are you and Aang,” Toph responded. “Then probably Sokka and Suki, though I think Suki would prioritize being a warrior over marriage, but you see the point.”
“And Zuko?” A wall she had been carefully building around her heart started to crack.
“What about Zuko?” Toph deflected.
“What do you think about all this? The engagement he said to us weeks ago?” Katara pressed.
Katara was stubborn. Not wanting to drag this out longer than necessary Toph laid down on her back, sighing. With her hands intersected atop her stomach, she closed her eyes.
“You really want to know what I think?” Toph asked. Katara nodded.
“I’m happy for him and I hope he and Mai would be happy for the remainder of their marriage.” Toph recited the words she would always be using should anyone else ask the same.
Katara stared at her longer than necessary before looking away. “You didn’t say anything about you, you know, getting married.”
“I don’t have any plans on getting married, Katara.”
All Toph received from her was a light huff, “Why does that not surprise me?” Katara said. “Out of all of us, you’re the one I expect to not settle down at such a young age.”
Toph scoffed.
“Why? Because I never went out with anyone like you guys?” The answer was laced with malice, Toph tasted the bitterness on her tongue. She couldn’t stop herself even if she wanted to, earning a startled look from her friend.
Katara stared at her in alarm, hearing the sharpness in her tone.
“I didn’t mean anything by that, Toph. You know that.” Her voice soft, not wanting to push Toph even further.
“I know, Katara.” But she can’t deny the acridity she felt. Being the only one who they think hasn’t considered tying herself to marriage.
She knows she’s being unreasonable.
“Well, now we’re on the topic of marriage. Mind telling me if you have any intentions of having a family of your own?” Katara asked.
“... Having children someday, maybe?” She continued.
Toph paused. Letting her mind wander. The idea of kids running around the Beifong estate—no, maybe the Fire Nation palace. She thinks about a little girl or a boy running around shooting fire out of their fingertips. Or maybe rooting themselves on the earth feeling it rumble as they move, manipulating rocks any way they want.
She let her mind wander to her child being a firebender or an earthbender. A thought popped unbidden in her mind.
Her husband.
Eyes closed, Toph’s thoughts strayed. Maybe, just maybe, in her wildest fantasies she walked in this palace with Zuko as the nation’s Fire Lady. She hated the idea of being stuck in a palace with demanding rules and constraints for the rest of her life, but just in her own mind did she allow herself to forget about the shackles of an exhausting life as a noble woman.
Betraying her own stand in her life as she dreamt about the possibility of getting married to Zuko.
Should she have done it a long time ago, speaking her truth about what she felt for her friend. Would her wildest dreams come true at that very moment?
As the comfortable silence surrounded the two women, one wallowing in her thoughts, the other whose ears were ready for her friend’s words, Toph’s answer came abruptly.
“I’d like to have a daughter one day,” Toph uttered in the dead of night. “Maybe she’ll be an earthbender like me.”
“Or maybe not. Nonetheless it won’t make any difference for me.”
“But you won’t want to be wed?” Katara’s response caught her off guard. “Not that you have to get married, you can just stay single.”
“Katara.”
A gust of air passed them both. The wind nipped their noses, their hair blowing in the night.
“I liked Zuko, did you know that?”
The leaves rustled in the breeze, the turtleducks calmed down following their mother as she circled the pond. The whole garden fell into a hush as Toph breathed out what’s been plaguing her heart and mind.
She sat up, turning to Katara whose shock is evident in the change of her pulse, her mouth gaping. Her eyes wide as saucers, staring at the woman beside her, searching for any indication that she’s kidding.
Katara recovered from the revelation. “I— I never would’ve guessed, I mean you’re you— I could never notice it, I bet. I mean, what, you liked Zuko?” Stumbling, she confusedly turned her whole body to face her friend, disbelief evident in her voice.
Toph laughed. At first it was just a snort then she started shaking with laughter, doubling over. Clutching her stomach, she closed in on herself.
Of course no one would notice, her affection for the man was sacred, one that she would bring to her grave, just to keep Zuko. She wouldn’t trade their friendship for an extension of one.
Even if that’s all she could ever want.
It wasn’t long until Katara noticed her howls of laughter started to sound like sobbing. She grabbed the earthbender’s shoulder and turned her to see her face.
“Oh, Toph.”
Tears streamed from Toph’s eyes, falling down to the apples of her cheeks. Not wanting to sob any louder she smothered the noises with her hand reducing them to a whimper. Willing herself to stop, to no avail.
Shoulders shaking with anguish, she screwed her eyes close.
All the emotions she pushed down back then when Zuko told them—her, because if she acknowledged it. It would become real to her.
The envy she felt for Mai, she bottled up until she had nowhere else to place it.
The pain of knowing she could’ve been, should’ve been in Mai’s position should her feelings just be known by Zuko.
What makes you think he’ll love you back?
A small voice in the back of her mind whispered, the same small voice she would hear whenever she felt useless and—
Insecure.
Her sternum hurts from the truth that she keeps denying. The dam that she has been carefully crafting came crashing down when she finally admitted it.
The crack that appeared a while ago became the reason for Toph’s whole reason to come tumbling down.
Her other hand clutched the grass beneath, trying to ground her senses, to calm herself down.
Katara broke out of her reverie, leaning forward to hug her friend. Katara knew that it’s not a normal occurrence for her friend to cry, she had seen first hand how strong Toph is—emotionally or physically.
The broken mask Toph wore the entire night revealed a side of her that contradicts the person Katara had known for years.
Katara had not expected vulnerability but held her close nonetheless. Securing her in a grip to give Toph the comfort she could offer at that moment.
To witness her tremble with despondency, her chest heaving, hands grabbing her tight. Katara could feel her heart breaking for Toph. Her unsaid words were apparent at that moment.
Toph didn’t have to say it. Katara could understand it well from her repressed sobbing, trying to hold herself together.
“Toph, I’m right here. Don’t worry.” Katara gave her the solitude to cry, closing her eyes, she let Toph hold her until her sobs ebbed.
The moon overhead and the turtleducks were the only ones who saw the gut wrenching scene. The dark night provided Toph the privacy to hide her cries. Katara’s embrace gave her warmth and assurance that what she is feeling right now is not a sign of weakness but it was a moment when a young woman’s defenses came crashing down.
It didn’t weaken her, it made her feel understood that despite the heartbreak, despite her not having the chance to marry the man she love—not even to tell him how she feels—at that moment someone caught her. She wasn’t alone. She had someone to lean on.
And that’s all she needs right now.
Hours— No. Minutes passed when Toph’s sobs turned to sniffles. Katara took this as a sign to let go of her, giving her space to herself.
Silently, Toph wiped her tears, she could feel her eyes swelling from her tears. She pressed her thumb and forefinger to her eyes, applying pressure.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Toph said, voice raspy and raw. “I guess I just really need to cry it out. I didn’t mean to mess your robes.”
Katara smiled a little, “You don’t have to apologize, Toph,” She reassured her. “If anything, I should be the one doing so. I was insensitive, I should’ve known.”
“You didn’t have to keep it all to yourself.”
Toph said nothing at that. Exhaustion making her weary.
“You just don’t like him do you?” Katara said after a beat of silence.
“You love him.”
It wasn’t a question. It was confirmation.
Toph spent years trying to deny it but she’s just so tired of lying to herself. Tired of pushing down what her heart has been telling her for a long time. She didn’t need to answer what her friend said. The drying tears in her eyes are proof of that.
“I’ll leave you on your own, I’ll tell the guys you aren’t feeling well.” Katara offered.
“You don’t have to force yourself inside again.”
Her friend made a move to stand up, but not before pivoting Toph to face her.
“I know you wouldn’t want to see Zuko and Mai together,” Her hand gripped Toph’s. “I’ll tell them off for you, you can just stay here and we’ll come for you when the rooms are ready for us to stay in.”
“You don’t have to do that for me, Katara. I’ll still see them no matter what.” Toph was glad for her but she knows she’ll have to face Zuko sooner or later.
Katara stood up, “If that’s what you say...”
“Hey.” Toph called before her friend could leave.
“Hmm?”
Katara was all but swarmed by Toph’s warm scent. The waterbender was caught off guard, but still held her friend close.
“Thank you, Katara.”
Katara’s heart swelled, hugging her tight before Toph pulled away.
“I told you not to worry, Toph. I’m here for you if you ever need me.” Smiling, Katara walked away. Determined to cover for Toph in front of her boyfriend, brother, and the man who’s the reason for her tears tonight.
Toph lingered in the garden, feeling the crust of her tears as the wind dried them.
She didn’t even plan to cry about Zuko tonight.
Her emotions and the delusions of what the future could be that she kept in a dark corner in her mind spiraled out of control with Katara’s words.
She decided to leave for her own good, trusting Katara to make up an excuse for her.
Sniffling, she inhaled the smell of damp soil and musk of the earth before heading out.
Passing through familiar passageways and the courtyard, she headed to the main doors, stopping when she heard someone running over to her, calling her name.
Her heart hammered in her chest.
Zuko—
“Lady Beifong, leaving so soon?” A guard near the entrance asked.
Toph deflated, disappointed.
Hiding her reaction, she nodded.
She can’t believe it. She actually thought it was Zuko.
Not like he’ll run after her.
The truth broke something in her. A lot of somethings in her were shattered that night.
That realization was the last straw for her.
Heading for the city to look for a place to sleep in, she smiled bitterly.
She could dream all she wanted about what she hoped would be real that night.
She could imagine Zuko calling out to her before she left, instead of the guard.
She could dream about having a family with him.
She could dream about a little girl having her long black hair and amber eyes.
She could dream about waking up every morning next to Zuko.
But all the possibilities she could dream would be someone else’s reality.
Her reality was out here. Not inside the palace.
The fact that Zuko was inside with the woman he would marry made that more uglier than it already was.
She could hope and pine.
But she could never have him.