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The Eridians had built the most advanced interstellar ship in either timeline. With their crystalline memories, they’d even uploaded most of the human internet onto their Eridian-made equivalent. They couldn’t exactly recreate the videos in the exact same way, but they did invent cameras just to film Eridian remakes of Grace’s favorites, including changing any of the endings he’d ever expressed dissatisfaction with.
For example, Eridian Rachel ditches Ross’s dumb carapace and goes to ‘PARE-ISS’ to become a famous fashion designer. There were also a few practical changes- Eridian ‘DUN-DER, MIFF-LIN’ didn’t sell paper, but rather the xenonite-sheets that Eridians carve their writing into. Oh, and there was the fact that all the series and movies had Eridian actors, and were in Eridian. But that’s okay- they would also upload the human versions onto their servers the second The Hail Mary pulled up with all its stolen ‘KAH-PEE RAIT-ID’ content.
Almost all the written human material was in its original form on their internet, though. All of Erid had volunteered to record and submit the parts of the internet they’d personally explored in the first timeline, so while there were some gaps, the important stuff was all still there. As well as some of what Rocky would personally consider unimportant but some other Eridians considered VERY important, such as self-insert fanfiction featuring ‘BUFF-EE the VAM-PAIRE Slayer’. Whatever- if an Eridian had so much as looked at it in the first timeline, it was on their recreated internet. And their ‘WHY-FAI’ was way faster than the human equivalent. So there.
The hardest part of building the most advanced interstellar ship wasn’t their incredible computer system, their state-of-the-art radiation protection, their amazing science laboratories, or their multiple failsafes in case of every imaginable emergency. No, the hardest part was agreeing on how to design Grace’s half of the ship.
“And Rocky is telling you that Beloved Grace was only being polite when he told you-informal-derogatory that he liked that necklace you made him,” Rocky told the parent of one of Grace’s students, who had recreated the horribly un-resonant and excessively heavy jeweled choker. “Beloved Grace likes teaching you-possessive-informal-derogatory pebble, so he accepted ugly necklace. Not going on the ship. Limited space.”
“Section of ship for Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams V++ℓ square meters,” the persistent Eridian pressed.
“Exaclty. Space very limited,” Rocky declared with finality. “Take ugly necklace and leave, command.”
“Light frequency wrong,” Adrian imperiously told the Eridian hanging his twinkly fairy lights. “Should be V.λ nanometers more warm-texture.”
“OH, MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE!” The Eridian wailed. “Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams told Twinkle that he liked this frequency, must have said untruth to make Twinkle not feel bad about insufficiency! Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams far too kind. Twinkle fix IMMEDIATELY, beg forgiveness of Respected Architect, Human Scientist, They Who Waited Like Penelope, Defenestrator of Presumptuous Suitors, Family of Grace Adrian.”
“Rocky fix lights, if Rocky wants something done right, Rocky do,” Adrian’s mate grumbled, catching the tail end of conversation.
“Shh, words of comfort,” Adrian sighed to the junior engineer, feeling slightly bad. “You-informal only V++ years old, very young. New to job. Such an important task probably too stressful. Return to workshop and more suitable roles, command. Can try again in I+ℓ years or so, statement.”
“Not enough comfort items,” Tailor Beanie-Baby worried, listening to the nest piled high with quilts, pillows, and ‘SQWISH-EES’ made with their own 15 claws. "Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams must have enough comfort items to immerse himself in soft texture.”
“You semi-formal take you-possessive-semi-formal job very seriously, Tailor Beanie-Baby,” Rocky praised as he tinkered with the twinkle lights. “This is why crew-inclusive-pronoun make space for you on ship. Rocky will make a sewing machine that can go faster just for you-semi-formal. Thank thank thank for dedication to work.”
Tailor Beanie-Baby practically preened at the compliment from one of the saviors of their world. Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams gave compliments easily and openly, and they treasured each one of them regardless of their copiousness, but to get a compliment from Savior of Erid, Hope from Tau Ceti, He who Endured, Bringer of Erid’s Beloved Grace Friend Rocky was very rare. They clicked the claws on their two front legs together happily.
“Thank thank thank. Tailor Beanie-Baby will return to work now, Savior of Erid, Hope from Tau Ceti, He who Endured, Bringer of Erid’s Beloved Grace Friend Rocky, statement.”
Rocky bobbed his carapace at the seamster in an approximation of a human nod and returned his attention to the lights as Chef Ramsey came scuttling up.
“Chef Ramsey has finished preparing the kitchen, including meat-cloning tools. All non-VEJ-IH-TARE-EE-EN’ recipes will be ready for replication within the day of arrival of Mercy from Sol, Grace from the Skies, Courageous Squishy Angel Savior Friend, Bringer of Hope and Knowledge, Guardian of Life and He Whose Exoskeleton is formed of Our Dreams,” they reported to Rocky and Adrian.
“Thank thank thank,” Adrian replied. “And the other matter?”
“Negative. Nothing on the human internet gives advice on socially acceptable ways to ask other humans to give muscle tissue samples for the purpose of cloning for consumption, but variety in diet very important for human mental health. Last time was not possible, but now Ramsey-team-inclusive-pronoun has the opportunity for obtaining a variety of human tissue samples. Take while in rest cycle considered rude, question?”
“Very,” Adrian affirmed. “Beloved Grace would not approve. But variety of meat important, statement. Ramsey-team-exclusive pronoun will have to ask anyway. Will cause awkwardness, but rapidly remove bandage from carapace. Beloved Grace speaks highly of other human astronauts, statement. They will likely want to add variety to his diet.”
“Also a very nice way of keeping human friends close, statement,” Rocky agreed. “Since humans lack the ability to leave pieces of carapace with loved ones and cluster mates when traveling far distances.”
“Also, Friend Linus reported that work on lightyear-crossing ‘VID-EE-OOH’ and message ‘SOFT-WARE’ developing very well. Beloved Grace will be very happy,” Adrian reported. “Would be done already if not for inefficient human ‘SOFT-WARE.’ Humans have think machines so much longer, but so much worse at creating and developing, statement.”
“Poor Beloved, Third of Our Soul,” Rocky agreed. “Must be so frustrated with Earth shortcomings while waiting to return home to Erid-inclusive-pronoun.”
___________
Grace was, indeed, grumbling in front of a computer at that very (relative) moment. “Stupid Microsoft office,” he hissed. As soon as he got back home, he was going to request his friends in the Texture-Screen Writers Thrum to create a radio show about stupid Clippy getting what was coming to him, that smug motherfluffer. “I’ll teach you to correct my grammar. English stupid stupid stupid, statement.”
“Yeah, exclamation!” Ilyukhina agreed, from her position half-in a chair behind Grace, half-draped over his shoulders like a particularly neurodivergent boa constricter. “I can’t believe it’s Yao of all people who keeps defending it.”
“I’m simply saying that if you’re going to do something, you ought to do it right,” Yao protested from his chair beside Grace, his feet in the man’s lap.
“Awww fork it,” he grumbled, “I’m using the notebook.” He reached for the large spiral-bound five-subject college-rule notebook beside him, which Annie and Martin had for some reason decorated with puffy heart stickers.
“You’re going to make those poor anthropologists decipher your handwriting just to learn about Eridian autumnal festivals?” Ilyukhina teased.
“My students can do it, so can they,” Grace muttered. “My handwriting is not that bad.”
“When you’re trying,” Yao corrected. “But you’re still put out that Director Stratt won’t let you write all your cultural notes in Eridian, so you are very purposely being lazy with your penmanship.”
“They’ll have Lesy’s translation software, there’s no reason for me to deal with translating everything in my head back into English before writing it,” Grace pointed out while scribbling rapidly into the notebook. “I am being very altruistic by sharing this information with humanity, I shouldn’t have to translate it too.”
“I think Stratt is just trying to keep you inside for a while,” Olesya replied, motioning to his (very nice and spacious) trailer.
“That snake was totally non-venomous and anyone could have tripped and fallen and got bitten- it just happened to be hiding near my lab building,” Grace protested, rubbing the spot on his calf where the little desert racer had gotten him.
“Not totally non-venomous," Yao corrected. “Mostly non-venomous. It still has enough venom to kill small prey, and make you scratch at the bite for several hours like a dog with fleas.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Grace muttered, his ears turning red. “Anyway, Carl’s already out there with a rifle like an overzealous rogue animal control agent, which I still maintain is bad for the local ecosystem. Snakes are important.”
“And surprisingly common in Kazakhstan,” Yao added. “And you have terrible luck.”
“I have great luck,” Grace declared, indignant. “I survived a suicide mission once already!”
“You were also shipped non-consensually onto suicide mission. Very bad luck,” Olesya pointed out.
“Okay, so I have some bad luck for some things, but my overall cosmic luck is pretty great,” Grace said decisively. “I mean, first contact for sentient extraterrestrial life? Literal time travel? So what if a little snake takes an exploratory nibble once in a while? I’m still in the red.”
“Once in a while?” Ilyukhina pounced, raising an eyebrow. “How many snakes have bitten you, exactly?”
“Okay, look. We have a small garden snake problem at Grover Cleveland, and the janitor and I had a deal. He’s got a phobia, so I handled any snakes on the grounds and his wife baked me her famous chocolate chip cookies every Friday. Sometimes the snakes were a little bit sassy. They must’ve learned it from the kids. It’s chill, the cookies were worth it.”
“Your life story fascinates me,” Yao said.
“I mean, it wasn’t that interesting before the Petrova taskforce,” Grace shrugged. “Honestly, I’m just really grateful that it ended up being Eavie and not one of those shady biotech companies that kept trying to recruit me after I self-ejected from academia.”
“Wait, what?” Ilyukhina asked.
“During the early days of my post-doc, before that paper, I wrote a couple papers about proteins involved in aging factors, with a few very theoretical ideas for disease prevention or minimizing the harm caused by certain chronic conditions. They were extremely theoretical because we didn’t and still don’t have the kind of medical technology we’d need to make them even slightly feasible. But try telling that to those weird tech bros chasing immortality. They must have found me from the Denmark incident, because for like, 6 months I had headhunters making seven-figure offers and shady guys trying to follow me home at night. Crazy freaks,” he muttered.
“How’d you get them to leave you alone?” Ilyukhina asked.
“Several restraining orders and a few Home Alone-style traps on my apartment door,” he replied, looking a little too satisfied.
“Hypothetically, would any of these traps be good for pranking Bob?” The look in Olesya’s eyes was entirely too Russian engineer for any sane person’s taste.
Unfortunately for Bob, the crews of interstellar missions (currently a sample size of two, if you counted the Eridians) do not, as a rule, trend towards sanity.
_________
“Glitter slime, really?” Asked Bob in the mess hall later, stalking up to them angrily, still sparkling faintly.
“Ahh, but we put it on the door to the trailer where the guards play poker, and they all knew about it so there was no collateral damage. If you’d actually been working on the gambling addiction that you keep blaming for all of your bad decisions, then it wouldn’t have happened. Think of it as aversion therapy,” Grace declared cheerfully, the notes on his Eridian keyboard bright and cheery and grating against Reddell’s ears.
“It is giving me an aversion to you,” the convict growled.
“Murderers don’t get the talking stick, Bob,” Yao replied calmly while sipping his tea.
“Ohhhh, we should put that on T-shirt,” Olesya replied. “I go to find Stratt and tell her about my new last wish.”
“We cannot launch the three of you into space soon enough,” Bob grumbled.
LeClerc threw a bread roll at him, and Lokken helpfully followed it with one of those mini plastic pots of jam, already opened.
Bob would like to return to prison, please and thanks.