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She sits on her bed and it feels empty.
It shouldn’t feel that way. They’ve been lonely every single night ever since they arrived at this godforsaken circus. It’s always been like this.
Except for the night they weren’t. For the night that ruined her life.
Ribbit ruined her life and she doesn’t even understand what she did.
It must definitely be her fault. There’s no other explanation that makes sense in her head. She swore secrecy, they swore to never bring it up again and she never did. She would never, ever in her life break a promise like that.
But Jax hates her. Hates her with all their guts. And for Jax to go that drastically from trusting them to absolutely despising them, it must really be something she did.
She has asked them time and time again what she did but doesn’t get an answer. It hurts. It hurts so bad. This circus isn’t real, but her emotions are. The love she feels is.
She’d had many partners. Many failed situationships that lasted a month. She’d never loved someone as deeply and purely as they did Jax. It was all so natural; like breathing air, like walking. One day they were strangers, the next one they were so inexplicably close she could never have the words to describe it.
Ribbit truly thinks she fell in love. Not the messy kind of love, not the young one, the stupid one that ends in a needless fight. No, it was tender. It was like their hearts were beating in unison and no words were needed as long as they were close.
And then she fucked it all up.
Now, she feels the kind of emptiness she felt when they realized Heavenly Father wasn’t who He was meant to be. The one that came from knowing she’d never be able to see her siblings marry because of who she was. The kind that drove her far, far away from home and into the deep slumbers of a depression they only thought would end up in death.
Every time her heart beats, it sends a stab wound through her entire body. It doesn’t beat in unison with anybody anymore. For some reason, she thinks she may deserve it.
A part of them wishes they could blame Jax. To be upset at them, to tell them it’s their fault for leaving her, for pretending nothing happened and pushing her far away. They’ve been so cruel. She misses her friend so, so much.
Jax had gotten so caring and close to her. She took it for granted. Now she feels like she’s starving for at least a glance. A smile. A little giggle. Anything that makes her not want to rip her insides open and scream at them until they care again.
Please just ask me to stay, please please pl
A particularly rough flash of pain passes through her body and she jolts. Their hands grip one of the pillows, the one Jax had been sitting on that one night. Her eyes fill with tears at the thought.
“I’m so lonely…” Her voice is but a whisper. Lately, she hasn’t been able to mutter much. It’s like a hand is gripping her throat and not letting her speak. Maybe it’s a punishment for all the times she did talk.
She closes her eyes. She hasn’t been able to sleep, just sees flashing lights, like the world’s most underwhelming rave. It keeps her up all night.
Adventures feel like a burden now. More often than not, she’s extremely out of it. Ragatha asks her about it, but she promised she wouldn’t say anything. She doesn’t want Jax hating her more, and she definitely doesn’t want Jax to hate Rags.
She lays down and hopes the universe swallows her up.
–
“-it? Ribbit?”
She blinks a few times, not really sure where she is.
She looks at her surroundings, quickly realizing they’re at the ‘café’. Jax isn’t here, as usual.
Her hands are gripping the mug like it’s slipping through her fingers. Lately, a lot has been slipping through her fingers, hasn’t it?
“Ribbit?”
Right.
“Sorry Kaufmo. Not having a great day.” She tries to laugh absentmindedly, but it sounds more like a tired sigh. The clown stares at her with concern.
“You’ve been having a… not great day for a few days now. What’s going on?”
“It’s really nothing. I guess I’m just tired.”
“You keep saying that, but we both know that’s not true. Something happened with Jax. What was it?”
She shakes her head no. She promised.
“...Did you confess?”
Their cheeks burn bright red, sputtering noises coming out of their mouth.
“WH-wh-huh?! Where did that even come from!?” She was not expecting to have this conversation, least of all with Kaufmo.
“It’s pretty obvious you like him.” She tries to avoid a frown at the “him”. “I just thought you had confessed your crush and it went horribly wrong.”
“Oh.” She has never been subtle with her emotions, but they thought they were hiding it a bit better. At least that is Kaufmo’s suspicion and not anything else.
“Oh- uhm. No. It wasn’t that. I don't even like h-. It’s nothing, really. Just drop it.”
It should be concerning how serious Kaufmo is right now, considering he usually just jokes around to cheer them up.
“You know, there’s nothing wrong with-”
“I know! But it’s no-”
“But if it was, you should talk. I’m worried abou-”
She closes her eyes, hands turning into fists.
“It’s nothing! Can’t you just let it go!?” Her voice is bordering on hysterics. It sounds shaky and watery.
There’s a silence so heavy for a few moments she genuinely thinks Kaufmo left.
“Right. Sorry.”
But he hadn't. Of course he hasn’t. They really wish he had.
“It’s ok… I’m sorry for worrying you. I’d rather you keep an eye on Jax, yeah?”
Their eyes meet. Kaufmo doesn’t look convinced. He actually looks like he really, really wants to argue back, but he doesn’t.
“...yeah. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
They both take a sip of their chocolate.
It’s the last time they ever do that.
–
“I know you said everything’s ok… but are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
Ragatha and her are sitting outside, looking at the stars, when the question is asked. She sighs. Even interacting with others is getting exhausting. They just want to stay in their room forever.
The adventure today felt dull. Jax ignored her all day. Kaufmo seemed to be talking with them, but they just laughed it off. She’s worried about them.
“No Rags. All good.”
The doll nods and stays silent. She thinks it’ll be the end of the conversation, but-
“What did you want to do? Before we got here?”
What is it with her friends asking her the most random questions these days?
“uhm… I don’t really know. Do you know Sally Ride?”
“The astronaut?”
“Yeah… her. I wanted to be like her. But- well… girls weren’t really supposed to pursue those careers- that’s what I was told. So I never did.” They laugh bitterly. “I used to stay awake trying to make myself memorize formulas. Learning about everything there could be in our universe.”
Her favorites were supergiants. Full of light, so bright they could illuminate everything in their path. And even then, their life ended quickly. All that light is what ends up killing them.
Was that her? She feels like her time is running out. Like she's slowly killing hers-
“That’s so nice, Ribby. I’ll make sure to look for the best astronaut when we get out. Won't be surprised when I see you.” She winked at her with a kind smile.
Ragatha was so nice. She had been since the day she showed up. They wished nothing but the best for her. Hopefully, she'll get a better life. A better chance at keeping her friends. They hope her and Jax keep being friends when she...
“Heh… maybe one day we’ll send a horse up there. I’ll let you know.”
“I’ll wait patiently for you.”
She looks back at the stars. Ragatha looks at them.
A shooting star passed. They should’ve made a wish for themselves.
Instead, she wished Jax a kinder life. A final act of love.
–
She’s stumbling. They don’t really know where they are. There was a mountain, and snow, and a fight, yelling, crying and Jax Jax Jax-
Their legs give out. She’s coughing out something, she doesn’t know what but it feels like it’s choking her. She’s scared and in pain.
It’s so dark. She doesn’t know if it’s because it’s late, or if she got lost, or if they’re losing their eyesight. But it’s dark and they can’t breathe-
“Ribbit? Are you alright?”
They flinch at the voice. At first, she doesn’t recognize it. It’s calm and soothing, older too. She furrows her brows. She’s heard this voice before, but when? who?...
“It’s me, Kinger.”
Her head is raised to where the sound comes from before she can even process it.
“Ki-Kinger?... you.. sound normal?”
“You sound ill.”
“...I think I am.”
She doesn’t try to hide it anymore. She’s so exhausted.
They feel a hand on their shoulder, and another one gently cupping her cheek.
“Oh, dear… what’s going on in that head of yours?”
The tears flow freely. It’s dark anyways. He can’t see, and, better yet, she can’t either. It doesn’t matter what she says or doesn’t anymore. She can’t keep holding it in.
“Have you ever loved somebody?” Her voice breaks.
“Yes.” The answer carries grief she never thought she’d hear from someone like Kinger.
“Do… you regret it? Did-” She coughs, shaky. “Even if you loved them deeply, do you regret it?
“No. I never would.” It comes immediately to him, so natural. No hesitation, no doubt in his voice.
Ribbit thinks she’s sobbing now.
“Loving someone is never a mistake, Ribbit.” She hears rustling, and then arms are embracing her. She doesn’t remember the last time they’ve been hugged, but she falls into the embrace tiredly. She can’t even soak the love up. They’re so tired.
“Even when they make you feel like it was?...”
“Even then. I’m sure one day they’ll accept the love. It takes time.”
“I don’t think I have much left…”
There’s a pause. Kinger sighs, sadly, once again full of grief, like he’s lived through this song and dance more than once.
“One day, they’ll realize you did love them. And when they’re feeling lonely, your gentle reminder will be there to accompany them. Because in life, you were there.”
It's so unfair. It's so unfair how ready she is.
“...I’m scared, Kinger.”
“Of dying?”
“No… I-... I’m scared of how much I want to.”
Kinger doesn’t say anything after that. He just holds them tighter.
She really wishes she had gotten to know him better.
–
She doesn't think her handwriting makes sense anymore. But they try.
They hold the pen shakily. Even staying up is such an effort. But still, they write.
They used to journal a lot when she was Mormon. It comes as second nature to her, like an old, painful memory.
She's not really aware of what she's writing. They know it's sad, but tears won't come out anymore. No emotion really does. And, honestly, she thinks it's for the best. It makes everything easier.
She opens her door and walks through the halls until she reaches Jax’s door. She was planning on leaving the letter there, but for some reason, they feel as though she's being stopped. As if some major force is telling her to not do it.
You've ruined their life enough. Now you're doing this.
That's right. It's true. She doesn't even deserve to say goodbye.
She turns back to her room. Closes the door. Takes off her bow and leaves it neatly on the desk, right next to the letter.
She sits on her bed and it feels empty.
–
My dear, bunny,
Remember when I asked you if you've ever done something you regret? I do now.
Out of all the things I regret, the one I do the most is never telling you how much I love you.
I think you’ve never been told that. I don’t think someone has ever said the words “I love you” to your face. And I’m another person who didn’t do it. I’m sorry. I’m so, very sorry.
I’m sorry you were able to trust someone for the first time and felt the need to back away. I’m sorry I let you do it.
And I’m sorry these words are getting through you from a letter. But I want you to remember that I did love you. For whoever you were. A boy, a girl. Human, rabbit. Digital or real. It didn’t matter to me. I just loved you.
You made such a big impact in my life. I would even consider you my best friend. I’m sorry for whatever I did to hurt your lovely heart. I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed. I hope you can find comfort in all of our other friends.
Of all the particles in the entire universe, I chose you. So… could you do me a favor? When you look up at the stars, can you choose me? You’ll know who I am. Because I’ll always be the star shining the most, just for you.
Dream about me, Jax. I’ll always be there.
-Ribbit.
Jax catches a glimpse of the abstraction before Caine throws it away. And for just a moment, she looks like the entire universe in just one being.