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“He left!? What do you mean he left?” Easthies snapped, his top lip curling up into a snarl. Luluci shook her head. She kept her eyes trained on the wall as she unclipped her cape. Slowly, the fabric slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor.
“I don’t know, Easthies. He just said he was going for a walk, okay?” She articulated every word with a cold clearness that surprised Easthies. He wasn’t used to being spoken to in that way.
“Fine!” He shouted. He looked past Luluci to the rest of the Knights. All of them seemed just as tired and dirty and shell shocked as her, but Easthies thought that was hardly an excuse for this type of incompetence. After all, he was emotionally and physically exhausted too, but none of them ever cared enough to provide him grace, so why would he give them something they obviously didn't deserve. “Since it appears I am the only one who is willing to do anything around here, I will go find Utowin myself!” Easthies’ words tore through his throat and came out hoarse. He didn’t dare look back at the other knights as he stormed from the room, rage threatening to boil over. But once he crossed the threshold of the grand doorway and stepped out into the quiet, dark hall, he was overcome by a sudden bout of fatigue that left him feeling nauseously ill. He steadied himself against the rough brick wall.
“Pull yourself together, Easthies,” he muttered.
Before wandering out of the front door of the Knights Moralis headquarters, Easthies stopped by his room to discard his cape and hat and then headed down the hall to make sure Utowin hadn’t simply retired to his quarters. But he was nowhere to be found, so Easthies made his way outside. It was dark out, and the warm, sticky air only made him feel sicker. He watched the ocean sky for a moment. He would never admit it, but he always loved the way the dappled light illuminated every crevice of the Great Hall. As Easthies walked down the cobblestone pathway leading to the back of the building, he listened to the crunching of fallen leaves under his feet, trying to ground his thoughts. He would deal with himself later. Right now he needed to find Utowin.
And he did. As he silently entered the garden around back of the building, he saw a familiar head of wild orange hair peeking out from behind some bushes. Easthies approached Utowin slowly. The ginger was sitting on an old stone bench surrounded by white roses. He was hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his hands down to brush his shins. His uniform was even more disheveled than usual. He had unbuttoned his shirt almost completely to let his skin breath, and his cape and hat seemed to have been carelessly tossed into a pile in the dirt beside the bench. Utowin’s face was apathetic. The usual glow of mirth in his shocking emerald eyes was gone and the creases under them were stark.
Easthies knew Utowin sensed his presence, so he began to speak. “Utowin, please come back inside. I am aware we have all had a long day, but it is vital that everyone is present for the debriefing.”
Utowin turned his gaze up to Easthies. “I just need a moment, Eas.”
Easthies furrowed his brows. He was standing ramrod straight with his hands clasped behind his back. He was well aware he looked like a military sergeant, which in some regard he was, but he knew that wasn’t what Utowin needed right now.
“May I sit with you?”
Utowin’s eyebrows raised. A small but sad smile quirked up his lips. “Yeah, of course.”
The moment he took a seat, Easthies’ body let go of all the tenseness and pain it had been holding in. He let out a long, heavy sigh. When he glanced over to Utowin, he saw that his friend was smiling. A genuine smile now.
“A little tired?”
“Yes,” Easthies replied. That was the understatement of a century.
They sat in silence for a minute before Utowin jumped right into the answer to a question Easthies hadn’t asked.
“It’s just- I mean I love this job, don’t get me wrong… it’s just hard, and so demanding and… I dunno… after today I’m not really sure if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I mean I’m not like you or Vinanna, no offense. But you guys seem to never feel anything. I think… I think I feel too much.” Utowin’s voice got quiet as he finished.
Easthies looked up at him with curiosity. “What makes you say that?”
Utowin found something really interesting under his nail to pick at. “Today… all those people. We just had to stand there and watch them die, Eas. There was nothing we could do, andI know that’s sometimes how it is with forbidden magic, and that's why it's forbidden, but…”
“It is hard. I know it is.” The nausea returned to Easthies gut, and this time he was afraid he might actually vomit. He covered his face with his hands. He saw bright flashes of color in his vision as he eyes pressed into his fingers. “But we all… we all feel the same way, Utowin,” He said, his voice muffled by his hands.
“Well, you never show it,” Utowin muttered. His words were icy, like Luluci’s had been, but coming from Utowin it stung so much more.
Easthies was quiet for a moment. When he spoke, his words came out a hoarse whisper. “I can’t.”
A lump stung Easthies’ throat and his sight became blurred with tears. He doubled over, his hands gripping the roots of his dark hair. He prayed he wouldn’t start crying. He hadn’t cried since he was seven. His mother’s voice rang through his head.
“Easthies, crying is a weakness. You must never show weakness. It is unacceptable.”
“I am meant to set an example, Utowin.” Eathies was speaking so quietly the ginger man had to lean closer to make out his words. “Weakness is unacceptable. I need to hold everyone together. I can’t think about myself. Not that anyone cares to ask anyhow.”
Unprompted, Utowin reached over and placed his fingers gingerly on Easthies’ back. Easthies’ body jerked before leaning into the small but amicable touch.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay… I didn’t mean it... to be rude. And I… I care about you. A lot.”
“I’m sorry, I should not be-”
“No, no, it’s okay, really.” Utowin’s voice was sad.
Easthies sat up again, wiping his face on his sleeves rather uncouthly. Locks of hair stuck to his wet cheeks. He brushed them behind his ears. “I am sorry I am making this about myself, truly. I came here to find you, I-”
“Easthies.”
“Yes?”
Utowin took his friend’s hand in his. Easthies’ skin was surprisingly rough and cold. He was trembling. Utowin held Easthies’ calloused hand between his large, warm ones and said, “It’s okay, Eas. I promise you it’s fine. If you want to cry, I hold you, and if you want to talk, I’ll listen. I’m a good listener, you know, contrary to popular belief.”
Easthies bowed his head to hide the pink flush spreading across his face and let his dull red eyes bounced quizzically from Utowin’s face to their intertwined hands. A feeling he quite enjoyed sizzled in his chest.
“Thank you, I-”
“Easthies! Utowin!”
Easthies jerked his hand from Utowin’s right as Vinanna turned around the bushes. She was still donning her full uniform and the light from the flame in her hand danced across her set face, playing with the wrinkles and creases of her skin. Her brows were furrowed and her mouth a thin line.
“Luluci informed me you two had run off,” Vinanna said. She didn’t sound particularly angry, maybe only mildly frustrated. But Easthies was never exceptionally skilled in telling the difference.
He stood quickly, smoothing down his robes. “My apologies, Vinanna. We were about to head back inside.”
Utowin followed in a lazier fashion. He didn’t bother to try and fix his attire. Vinanna looked the two young men up and down, and then spun on her heels and walked down the cobblestone path back to the front entrance of the building. Easthies and Utowin followed.
As Easthies was finishing up on the last button of his night dress, he heard a quiet knock at his door. Brows furrowed, he walked to the other end of the suite and twisted the door knob. He peeked out the door to see Utowin standing there, also in his night clothes.
“Oh. Hello,” Easthies said, blinking stupidly like a child.
“Hey.” Utowin smiled awkwardly down at Easthies. “Can I… um… come in?”
Easthies felt his face grow warm. “Oh, yes. My apologies.” He held the door open for Utowin, then shut it quietly behind him.
Utowin had been in Easthies’ room a good number of times over the years, but recently only for short periods of time and for business related affairs. Not… social calls. Easthies was a very private man and liked to keep his space just to himself. It made him think about why he had been so quick to let Utowin in. But he decided it was best not to dwell too hard on that.
He stood behind Utowin as the ginger man looked around the room, taking in the grandeur of the dimly lit space. Out of all the knights, sans Vinanna, Easthies had been granted the best accommodations, with a large bed, hanging velvet curtains, a mahogany desk, and a small kitchen area in the back.
Easthies cleared his throat and said, “Utowin, how may I help you?”
“Oh, right!” Utowin whirled around and scratched the back of his head. “Well, we didn’t really get to finish our conversation earlier, and I just thought you might want to… talk. Unless of course you are too tired.”
Easthies was exhausted. Ready to fall asleep on his feet. “No, of course not.” He gestured to the small wooden table in the back of the room near the kitchen area. “Why don’t you have a seat? I will put the kettle on.”
Utowin’s smile was adorable, extenuating his dimples and lovely teeth. He sat in the sole wooden chair at the table, and as the water boiled on the stove, Easthies pulled over his desk chair to join Utowin.
Utowin’s hair was rumpled and Easthies noticed the tips of his fingers were pruned. Easthies ran his fingers through his long, damp hair thinking that he and Utowin must have had the same idea of a hot bath.
“I wanted to check in on you,” Utowin started, again unprompted. “You seemed pretty upset earlier.”
Easthies face grew redder out of embarrassment. Weakness. It was unacceptable. “I can assure you I am alright, Utowin.”
Utowin’s face fell for a split second. Easthies added, in a softer manner, “But thank you for asking. That…um… means a great deal.”
That bright, sweet smile returned to Utowin’s face. “Of course.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine. I think the initial shock has worn off. It’s kind of like this every time, you know? After a few hours, it doesn't seem so bad anymore. I mean, we’ve been doing this for so long. We’ve seen so much. It’s just one more tragedy.”
Utowin’s words hurt Easthies more than he would ever admit. As Deputy Captain of the Knights Moralis, he was supposed to provide protection and hope to the people. If he couldn’t even do that to the people closest to him, well, what was he even doing with his life. But instead of voicing all those thoughts, Easthies said, “I’m glad you are here.”
Utowin’s eyes went wide. He looked genuinely shocked. Somewhere in the back of Easthies’ mind, he noted that Utowin looked cute when he was surprised.
“You are?” Utowin asked.
“Yes.” Easthies gave him a peculiar look.
Utowin chuckled. “I never thought you would like to see anyone during your witching hours.”
“I don’t have ‘witching hours,’” Easthies said, indignant.
“Right.” A smile fluttered onto Utowin’s face. “Cuz you’re a witch at every hour!”
Utowin cracked up at his horrible joke. Easthies smiled at his joy. The kettle began to sing. Once Easthies brought it back to the table, Utowin had finished up his laughing.
“It was a good joke, Eas, admit it.”
Easthies spooned out his preferred quantity of tea leaves from the ceramic jar in the middle of the table and let them fall into the kettle to steep. “I will not.”
Utowin rolled his eyes. “You’re no fun.”
Easthies let his lips curl into a rare grin.
When he decided the steeping was done, Easthies brought the kettle over to the sink again, where he strained out the leaves. He then returned to the table with the pot and poured himself and Utowin tea.
“Thank you,” Utowin muttered as he put his lips up to the rim of the cup. He took a long slip and his eyes lit up. “Hey, this one’s my favorite!”
“I know,” Eathies replied softly.
Utowin looked at him quizzically. “You’re an enigma, Eas.”
“I know that too.” Easthies took a sip of his tea.
Utowin set his cup down on its saucer. “I’m always here if you need to talk.”
Easthies had to hold back an eye roll. “You have made that clear many times, Utowin.”
“I just worry about you,” Utowin said, with no unkindness or spite in his voice. Easthies would have definitely felt spiteful if someone spoke to him like that. But Utowin was an enigma too, after all.
The two Knights drank their tea in silence for a while, just enjoying each other's company. When the last drops were gone from the cups, Easthies stood again and took all the tea things to the sink for rinsing. As he was washing out the strainer, trying in vain to get every last leaf out, he felt strong, gentle arms wrap around his waist. Easthies jumped a little as Utowin rested his head on Easthies’ shoulder, nuzzling his face into the shorter man’s neck. Easthies’ heart began to pound in his chest. He felt his face grow uncomfortably hot and his skin pricked every place it touched Utowin.
“What is this all about?” Easthies asked, his voice hoarse again.
“Nothing. I just thought you might need a hug.” Utowin muttered, his voice muffled by Easthies’ neck. His exhale tickled Easthies, who sighed, out of his own control of course, and much to the delight of Utowin.
Even though every sensible fiber of Easthies body fought it, he leaned back into Utowin’s arms. It was a small movement, but a confirmation of pleasure nonetheless.
Utowin began to sway back and forth ever so slightly. Easthies let himself melt into Utowin even more and follow the rhythm of his body. He felt safe and warm in Utowin’s arms, something he realized had never felt that way before. He had never been held like this, and his head was spinning at a mile a minute. But slowly everything became overwhelming and his thoughts became painful.
“Utowin…” Easthies voice was quieter and lighter than he expected it to be. “Utowin.” He repeated with a little more force.
“Yeah?” Utowin mumbled.
“Please let me go.”
Utowin pulled back right away. All the warmness in the air seemed to vanish. Instantly, Easthies regretted his decision. He turned to face Utowin, but he couldn’t look him in the eye. Utowin’s brows were etched with concern.
“I’m sorry if I overstepped. I thought-”
“No.” Easthies voice was firm and maybe a bit too aggressive. Utowin took an instinctive step back. Easthies heart pounded. He was pushing him away. “I-I am sorry, it’s not you… I-I…” Easthies buried his face in his hands. All his life he was told never to care, never to get too attached. That can only lead to pain and a clouded judgment, and that would never do. To love someone is to have a weakness. And weakness is unacceptable.
Utowin grabbed Easthies shoulders in one quick action that startled the shorter man.
“Easthies,” Utowin said, kindly but forcefully. “I need you to talk to me. I don’t care if you don’t want to. Tell me what is wrong.”
Easthies inhaled a shaky breath. He had never felt so vulnerable in his life. “I…I have a difficult time…um…I believe I keep everything buried too deep.”
“Yeah, I think so too.” Utowin let a small smile bleed onto his lips. “Let’s sit down.”
Once they were seated at the table, Easthies continued. “I was raised to believe one was never to let anyone else know the inner workings of his mind. I have a very difficult time letting people into that. I want you in my life, Utowin. I need you in my life. I always have, ever since we were young. I care about you very deeply, that I know, but to show that I have to go against everything my mind thinks is right for me.”
Utowin took a moment to process Easthies’ words. “You know that healthy human interaction is very important, right? And you shut yourself off from that.”
Easthies nodded.
“But we can work on that,” Utowin added.
Easthies perked up. “We can?”
“Yeah, if you want.”
“I think… I think I would benefit from that.”
Utowin smiled. “I think you would too.”
There was an awkward moment of silence.
“Maybe I should…um… go,” Utowin said, cocking his head towards the door.
Something cracked in Easthies’ chest. “You can stay, if you wish. I do not mind.” That was his way of begging Utowin to stay.
“Eas, you need to get some rest.”
“You could…stay for the night.” Easthies was embarrassed by how pathetic he sounded. Why was he begging for this man to stay when he would see him again in six hours? Because he loved him. He loved Utowin.
Utowin’s face turned a beautiful shade of pink. “If… that’s alright with you…”
“Yes,” Easthies said quickly. “Of course.”
“Right. You offered.”
When Easthies stood, all his exhaustion fell onto his shoulders. He had to steady himself against the table.
“Woah there.” Utowin automatically reached out to steady Easthies. He helped his friend into bed.
Easthies curled up in his usual side, but this time there was someone occupying the other. He stared Utowin in the eyes. His chest exploded with feeling for the first time in a very, very long time. It burned, but he loved it.
“May I kiss you?”
Utowin’s eyes went wide. He grinned. “Yes, yes of course you-”
Easthies closed the small gap between them, pressing his lips gently to Utowin’s. It was a light, chaste, but it made Easthies feel alive.