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F1
BREAKING: Upcoming Barcelona GP (12-14 June) Cancelled (formula1.com/sudden-curse-leads-to-grand-prix-cancellation)
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Sudden Curse Leads To Grand Prix Cancellation
It seemed all was set for a smooth weekend here in the Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya, and with Russell and Norris leading the practice sessions, we all awaited an exciting and eventful battle for pole between the Mercedes and McLaren teams.
However, perhaps a Ferrari or Red Bull fan wasn’t too pleased with how well their rivals were performing yesterday, because every driver has transformed into an animal overnight.
Yes, you read that correctly – dark magic has snuck past the teams’ protections to turn each driver into a different animal.
So, with every driver unfit to drive, the FIA have decided…
—
From [email protected]
To [email protected] and 10 others
Subject Curse Management
Good morning to all. We understand the situation that the drivers are currently facing, and have curse management experts from every major religion on their way to undo the harm this has done. We will also have animal whisperers who will identify their species and allow them to communicate effectively with the rest of the team.
As we understand, it will be unrealistic to expect to race tomorrow. However, we would like all drivers and others afflicted to please report to the attached location at 11:30am today to take control of the situation and avoid further issues.
—
Oscar was woken up rudely by a banging on the door and the voice of Zak Brown floating through his brain. He groaned, curling up tighter into a ball and digging his face into his pillow. If it was urgent, Lando could surely wake him up.
“Oscar, I know you’re in there. You need to report your condition to the FIA.”
“...What?” Oscar mumbled, stretching. Except he didn’t say that. Instead, a long, quiet yowl echoed around the messy hotel room, and now he was awake. He shot up straight, looking down, and around, and noticing two pristine golden paws where his hands should have been. Next to him, buried in blankets, was not Lando. No, it was some kind of… raccoon? Cat? Cheetah? Oscar wasn’t sure, but he was certain now that something had gone seriously wrong.
“Oh, I just realised, you might not be able to open your door. Hang on.” Zak’s voice slowly grew quieter as he walked down the hall, and hope bloomed in Oscar’s chest as he wondered whether he had escaped, but the footsteps were back too soon and Zak let himself in with a key Oscar didn’t even know he had. “Hi, Oscar…” Zak trailed off as he noticed not one, but two animals on the bed. The animal – Lando? – was waking up, now, and looking around dazedly. “Oh, Lando. Well, better that I’ve found the two of you.”
“What’s going on?” Oscar tried, only hearing a faint meow answer Zak.
“I’m assuming you’re confused. Essentially, a curse has been cast over the entire grid and everyone is an animal now. I need to take you to some FIA building so we can keep you all together and make sure nobody gets hurt. You’re going in my car.”
And with that, Zak roughly scooped Oscar up with one hand, grabbing Lando with the other and tucking them both under his arms as he marched out the door. Oscar instantly screamed on instinct, clawing at the pudgy inner side of Zak’s arm as a futile attempt to relinquish himself. By the sound of it, Lando wasn’t having such a great time either.
Luckily, they were soon dumped together into the passenger seat of Zak’s McLaren Speedtail and the team boss closed the door for them before making his way round to the other side of the car. Only now could Oscar take a closer look at… whatever Lando was.
He was bigger than Oscar, maybe the size of a springer-spaniel, but certainly not a dog. His face resembled that of a slimmer raccoon, black markings around his eyes and a wet, round nose, but the similarities ended there as Oscar took in his leopard-print coat leading down to a bushy tail.
Whatever creature Lando had been turned into, it certainly wasn’t one Oscar had ever seen before.
As for Oscar, he was honestly a little disappointed to slowly realise that he really was just an ordinary ginger tabby. He was well aware beforehand of the jokes people made concerning his likeness to the felines, but really? Out of every animal in the world, he was a cat?
“We’re here!” Zak exclaimed a few minutes later, killing the engine after pulling up to a sleek grey building on the outskirts of the city. He moved to pick Oscar up, hands inching ever closer to his prized underbelly, but Oscar saw it coming this time and hissed. A paw came up, claws outstretched, to bat away the hand. “Jesus, alright, alright. You can walk yourself, I get it.”
The passenger door swiftly opened and Lando and Oscar, who had intertwined their bodies during the journey, jumped out onto the warm concrete. A woman in a black suit and patent heels suddenly opened the door to the building, looking stressed as she came out to greet them.
“Lovely. You two, Zak, come in, please.”
As they followed her into the building, it opened up into a larger hall. Oscar quickly noticed the painted spots on the floor with names written underneath. It was like the pre-season shoot.
As if reading his mind, the woman suddenly spoke, “As it stands, we do not recognise you in your animal form. Please use your spots as a way for us to identify you.” While she gave them orders, Oscar noticed she had started to write something on the screen behind her. A list.
Oscar Piastri, Domestic Short Hair Cat.
Lando Norris, African Civet.
Suddenly, and just as Oscar came to the conclusion that it would be amusing to see what animals the curse has recognised in other drivers, there was a cacophony of noise at the entrance as something considerably larger than Lando and Oscar bounded through the door. It – he – skidded into the hall, coming to a stop abruptly as the room widened. A black bear. And on top of it, squawking incessantly… a bird. The bird, Oscar now noticed, was constantly nipping at the bear’s ears, as if trying to annoy him. A few seconds later, a disgruntled James Vowles walked in with his head in his hands.
Carlos Sainz, Black Bear.
Alex Albon, Kākāpō.
“Great for you to join us,” the woman smiled, “My name is Charla Crump. I am the head of curses at the FIA, I’m going to be hosting the discussion. It is currently 11:23am, we are expecting all teams to arrive at 11:30, so I’m sure the attendance will be much greater by that time.
And so, like the animals walking two by two onto Noah’s Ark, the cursed teammates slowly filtered in over the next few minutes. Some Oscar recognised faster than others.
Kimi Antonelli, Cockapoo Dog. At least Oscar wasn’t alone in his boring-animal misery. George Russell, Indian Runner Duck, followed soon after.
Some teams only arrived with one driver, looking incredibly apologetic.
“We’re so sorry, we couldn’t find Isack,” Mekies murmured, head hanging low, while a shouting marsupial followed. Max Verstappen, Tasmanian Devil. Surely Max will be fuming that the curse decided he wasn’t fit for a lion.
Binotto walked in with an Audi shirt and a similar expression on his face, albeit a little more alarmed, and gave a similar predicament.
“We only have Nico with us today. Gabriel is, well, you see, he’s in the sea.”
Nico Hülkenberg, White Rhino.
Gabriel Bortoleto, Black-tip Reef Shark.
The last team to arrive was Ferrari, Fred looking noticeably out of breath as he stumbled into the building. An elegant white bird sailed silently into the room behind him, wingspan almost impossibly wide, and Oscar felt like it took up the entire room despite the unbelievably large rhinocerus sitting next to him.
“So sorry,” Vasseur apologised, a hand coming up to rest on his forehead. “We couldn’t find… well. They’re both here now.” Oscar looked around for Charles confusedly, wondering why he hadn’t seen him enter, and Charla started to write on the screen.
Lewis Hamilton, Wandering Albatross.
Charles Leclerc, Dragonfly.
—
Driver Curse Status
Oscar Piastri, Domestic Short Hair Cat.
Lando Norris, African Civet.
Carlos Sainz, Black Bear.
Alex Albon, Kākāpo.
Kimi Antonelli, Cockapoo Dog.
George Russell, Indian Runner Duck.
Nico Hülkenberg, White Rhino.
Gabriel Bortoleto, Black-tip Reef Shark.
Max Verstappen, Tasmanian Devil.
Isack Hadjar – LOST
Pierre Gasly, Otter.
Franco Colapinto, Raccoon.
Liam Lawson, Sphynx Cat.
Arvid Lindblad, Bengal Tiger.
Esteban Ocon, Black Panther.
Oliver Bearman, Flat-coated Retriever.
Fernando Alonso, Chameleon.
Lance Stroll – LOST
Sergio Perez, Whale Shark.
Valtteri Bottas, Shire Horse.
Lewis Hamilton, Wandering Albatross.
Charles Leclerc, Crimson Marsh Glider Dragonfly.