Chapter Text
If you had told Ted Spankoffski one year ago that he was dating Paul Matthews, he would have laughed in your face and called you delusional. He would have had the same reaction earlier this very day, in fact. But if you waited and asked him after his shift had ended, he would have smiled and nodded, and probably given you a story about how their relationship was going just to really sell it.
Paul and Ted were not dating. Not really.
The relationship between the two had always been complicated. They were coworkers, they were acquaintances, they were the legal guardians of two best friends, they were something that they couldn’t find a label for. They weren’t friends. Well, not at first.
Paul had never really liked Ted, and it was very apparent in the way he acted around the man. He would sigh with annoyance every time Ted tried to talk to him, he would directly avoid eye contact (though he noticed that was something that he did to everyone, but it was somehow more blatant when he was around Ted), and there was just a general frustrated aura around him whenever he would have to interact with Ted.
Which was fair, Ted would admit. It wasn’t as if he were trying to make Paul like him. Not truly, despite his many feigned overdramatic efforts. Those were mostly for entertainment value.
Recently, however, something had changed. There was a noticeable shift in their relationship. Paul didn’t get that common look of dread on his face anymore when he saw Ted, and he didn’t seem to be over conversations before they had begun now either. In fact, he would (on rare occasions) even start conversations with Ted.
It was odd, to say the least. Ted was used to the scowls he received, the despair radiating from everybody the moment he walked into the room. He was used to not being well liked, at least in common places like the CCRP office building or Beanies. He was used to not getting close to people, and he was used to actively pissing them off, whether it was on purpose or not.
He didn’t know how to feel about the shift in his and Paul’s dynamic of the past few months.
But he tried not to dwell on it too much. He continued to act normal around Paul, even if the new responses he received were anything but normal to him.
“Lay off on the coffee, would ya?” He smirked, leaning his body over the wall of Paul’s cubicle. He kindly decided not to comment on the way that Paul nearly flinched out of his chair at the sudden noise. “You're gonna give yourself a heart attack, you noodle.”
It was currently 11:30 AM on a Monday in the CCRP office. Paul was on his 6th coffee of the day, or at least, the 6th one that Ted had seen, and had been noticeably antsy today, if the tightness in his shoulders or repetitive hand motions were anything to go by. And in Ted’s opinion, they most certainly were.
Paul took a deep breath, recovering from his scare. He ran his hands over the fabric of his suit jacket, straightening out the wrinkles that had appeared. “Hi Ted.” He spoke before looking up at the man from his seat, making eye contact for only a brief moment before looking away. “Is there something you need?”
Up close, Paul looked even more exhausted than he did from far away. It looked as though he hadn’t gotten good sleep the previous night, eye bags visible below his slightly drooping eyes. Ted’s curiosity was peaked.
“I wanted to see what’s going on with you.” He admitted, before adding a more Ted-like flair to the statement. “What’s got your panties in a twist? That crabby barista say no to sucking you off in the Beanies bathroom?”
“First of all, ew. No.” Paul started with an eye roll. “And her name is Emma.” Silence overtook their conversation, as if Paul was expecting to leave it there. But when he looked up and saw Ted raising an eyebrow, he sighed, realizing Ted wanted more. “I don’t know what gave you the impression that there was something wrong. I’m doing just fine.”
A laugh came out of Ted’s throat involuntarily. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the 6 cups of straight black coffee you’ve had. Or maybe it’s how you look like you’re on the verge of passing out right now, even with the caffeine.” He gestured to the cup on Paul’s desk that was already over halfway empty despite Paul having just refilled it a few minutes ago. “C’mon Paul. You know you wanna rant about it. And I’m right here with two ears and sound advice.” He sang out, and Paul gave him an incredulous look.
“You are the last person I would go to for advice.” Ted let out a scoff of feigned annoyance, and Paul spoke, “No offense,” with the most unapologetic look Ted had ever seen written on his face.
“Offense taken. Fuck you too.” Ted flipped him off. “I’m actually great at playing therapist, thank you very much. And I have plenty of people who could attest to that.” He nodded as if this were a serious matter, and Paul’s face lit up with a small, humorous smile.
“Do you now?” He said in an unbelieving manner. Teasing, in the way Ted would normally speak to him. That was one of the things that had become more common with Paul recently. He would actually joke back and forth with Ted, and willingly too. It was friendly banter, which was something Ted didn’t receive much. And despite how strange the whole thing felt, he wasn’t opposed to it. He actually enjoyed the banter quite a bit. (A bit too much, if you asked him honestly.) “Name one.” Paul challenged, and Ted could feel the corners of his lips being pulled upwards by some invisible force radiating from Paul.
“Pete.” He responded immediately with the confidence of a man who thought he could outrun the aliens in the inevitable apocalypse. Paul raised an eyebrow, but Ted doubled down. “He comes to me for advice all the time.”
“Is that so?” Paul prompted, and Ted nodded like a liar. Pete would rather go anywhere else for advice then seek out his older brother, and he did so frequently. But what Paul didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. Well, it could hurt his argument in this case though, but that gave Ted the leg up in their meaningless squabble, so he used it to his advantage. “I don’t think I believe you.” Paul stated, but all that earned him was a smirk from Ted.
“Well then why don’t we test it?” He started. “You tell me about what’s bothering you, I give you advice, and we’ll see if I should quit my day job and become a professional therapist.” Paul rolled his eyes at that.
With a sigh, Paul spoke the word Ted had been waiting for, “Fine,” and turned back to face his computer screen. What Ted assumed as a tactic to avoid eye contact. “I’m going to visit my parents for Christmas. I haven’t seen them in…” He paused, leaving Ted in surprised suspense for a moment. He hadn’t expected Paul to actually give in this easily. But he forced himself out of his stupor to listen intently. “A little while. Uh, anyways, they’re kinda…” He paused again before starting the sentence over. “They’re old. And they’re kind of obsessed with the idea of seeing me settle down with someone before they pass. Which is all well and good, but they seem to think that I am ready to settle down, and that I have a partner that I’m just hiding away from them.”
Ted couldn’t help but snort out a small laugh. “What the fuck? Why would you do that?” Paul glanced at him for a second, but turned his eyes back to the computer screen before Ted could get a good read on what his expression was.
“I don’t know.” He responded quickly, but it didn’t contain any of the humorous tone that Ted thought it would. But Paul was speaking again before he could dwell on that. “I’ve tried to tell them that there isn’t anybody to hide, but they won’t take no for an answer. They called again last night asking about my supposed partner, and I was so tired that I just…” He let out a small sigh.
“You told them you had a partner.” Ted finished the sentence for the man, who just nodded in response. “But you don’t have a partner, so now you’re stressed out about trying to find a way to make this work?” Paul glanced at him, giving him a look of confirmation. He looked exhausted and slightly mortified, clearly not wanting to have brought this up. Ted took in that look, and suddenly, he was speaking before he even processed what he was saying.
“What if I go with you?” Paul’s eyes went wide, and Ted knew his own did the same. But it was too late now. So, he doubled down. “I could make a pretty good fake boyfriend.” He smirked, raising his eyebrows up and down. Paul didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t have any reaction. He just sat there shell shocked.
“Are you serious?” He asked, and if Ted were being honest, he was asking himself the same thing on loop in his head. But he wasn’t honest, so he nodded. “You would be willing to spend Christmas with me pretending to be my partner in front of my parents?” He paused for a few seconds, raising an eyebrow at Ted. “What’s the catch?”
Ted rolled his eyes. “You have such little faith in me. There is no catch.” He shrugged. “Consider it me making up for all the favors you’ve done for me.” That felt like a valid excuse for why his initial reaction was to jump in and ease Paul’s discomfort. The man had done a lot for him the past couple of months. And he had truly been looking for a way to repay him. What better time than now, he supposed.
For a moment, Paul looked hesitant. But during Ted’s inner turmoil, his contemplative look turned back into that small, humorous smile. “That’s a terrible deal.” He joked, and Ted was about to bite back when he spoke again. “Would you actually be willing to do that?” His voice was more shy this time, like he was expecting Ted to say no. Like he had read the situation wrong and Ted was just out to make fun of him. And so, naturally, Ted could only think to say,
“I’ve done weirder shit before.”
And that was that.
***
“Fake boyfriend? Are you fucking serious?” Ted whisper-yelled, as if he were expecting his bathroom mirror to respond to him. He had gotten home hours ago, and yet somehow only now, 12:46 am, was the reality of what he had offered actually hitting him.
Why did he ever open his mouth? Why did he ever even leave the house at this point? It only led to bad decisions.
It wasn’t as if he wasn’t okay with doing this for Paul. He had meant it when he said that he had done weirder shit, and he did want to find a way to repay all of those favors somehow. But this? This was a bad idea for so many reasons.
First of all, he had signed up for something he had literally no prior knowledge about. He signed up before he had been told that he would be out in a town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere resting not even 10 minutes away from the Michigan/Indiana border for an entire week while having to put on an act with Paul the entire time. And even when he had learned all of that information, Paul still provided him an out, saying that he really didn’t have to do this. And what did Ted’s dumbass say?
“You worry too much. I’m fine with this, Paul, I promise. There’s no need to lose sleep over it.”
Secondly, not only would he be putting on an act with Paul in front of his elderly parents, but he would also be putting on an act with Paul in front of both his own little brother and Paul’s nephew. That was a problem in itself, because Pete just loved to try and dig his way into situations that Ted didn’t want him to be involved in, and assuming the way he had seen Paul act around the kid before, Richie would easily be able to sniff out their bluff immediately. Ted doubted that Paul was a good liar, especially when it came to his nephew.
But unfortunately for them, neither of the men were willing to leave their legal children at home on an island unattended to for an entire week while they were off across the entire state with no way to get to them in the event of an immediate emergency
Ted sighed, his hands pressing against the sharp corner of the bathroom counter, that pain seeping into his skin being the only thing that was grounding him right now. He wasn’t truly worried about those first two stretches of reasoning. He wasn’t afraid of lying, and he knew damn well that he was good at it. He didn’t mind leaving Hatchetfield for a week. He actually preferred it to staying in the town. He wasn’t even really worried about Pete and Richie finding out. No, what he was really worried about was that secret third reason.
He was going to have to spend the next week in an enclosed space with Paul Matthews.
The very man who was one of the few people in the world who tolerated Ted. The person who had been acting differently as of late. The guy who despite not liking anything that brought joy and whimsy into the world, (cough musicals cough) somehow managed to be someone who at this point in time Ted would consider a friend. His best friend even.
Paul Matthews. His best friend.
That fact already set of sirens in his head, spun red flags like a color guard of 40, and violently flashed red lights like a fucking police car. It was like a purge zone in his brain anytime anybody came too close. Anytime anybody made him feel like he was worth a shit. Anytime anybody resembled her.
But that combined with the agreement he had just made? It wasn’t even a purge anymore, but a full on execution. He let his head hang uselessly, staring down at the tiled bathroom floor below him as if waiting for the guillotine to come down and chop off his head. After a moment of helpless anticipation, he looked up and made eye contact in the mirror.
“What the fuck am I doing with my life?”
***