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It was common knowledge that (almost) all of the teachers in Kimetsu High were very close friends.
There were 10 teachers: Mr. Himejima, Mr. Uzui, Mr. Tomioka, Mr. Urokodaki (who preferred to be called Mr. Sabito), Ms. Kocho, Mr. Shinazugawa, Mr. Iguro, Mr. Rengoku, Mrs. Kanroji, and Ms. Kocho (who allowed her students to call her Ms. Shinobu, so they didn’t confuse her with her older sister). They were frequently seen walking the halls in random groups, from just two of them to five or six of them, and chatting amongst themselves. They often visited each other’s classrooms or walked into the teacher’s lounge together. Their overhead conversations were past the point of typical colleague topics, though nothing too inappropriate for a school setting. Students also saw them getting into each other’s cars and hanging out together on the weekends.
There was only one outlier, one teacher none of the kids had ever seen hanging out with the others: Mr. Tomioka.
He was a very strict teacher. He taught physical education, and students knew very well not to piss him off—else they would be running a dozen laps while everyone else got to play sports with their classmates or walk calmly around the track. He never smiled, didn’t talk unless he was giving instructions, and was never, not once, seen speaking with the other professors.
Which was very sad, in Tanjirou’s opinion, especially with the recent rumors floating around the school.
It was well-known that most of the teachers weren’t single. The news had broken numerous hearts, particularly applicable to Mr. Uzui and Mrs. Kanroji, the two most popular amongst the students. But the rumor was: the teachers who were in relationships were dating each other.
It wasn’t a polyamorous relationship, as some (actually, an alarming amount) had come to believe through misinterpretation. It was a theory born out of Mrs. Kanroji’s and Mr. Iguro’s obvious relationship (Mrs. Kanroji literally referred to Mr. Iguro as her husband), and Mr. Shinazugawa’s and Ms. Kocho’s (ew, no, not the new hire, the older one) hidden one. Knowing that four of the teachers were in relationships, some curious students had started poking and prodding at the others. Mr. Uzui had a ring, but he wore three of them, so no one knew if he was just fashionable, or if he was married. Mr. Sabito wore a ring, but only sometimes. Mr. Rengoku, Mr. Himejima, Mr. Tomioka, and Ms. Shinobu didn’t wear rings—but that didn’t mean much. Plenty of married people, especially teachers, didn’t wear their rings to school. If it was true that Mr. Shinazugawa and Ms. Kocho were married, they didn’t wear their rings.
“I couldn’t care less,” Genya said in the middle of Zenitsu’s rant about their teacher’s relationships.
“Wait, you’re Mr. Shinazugawa’s brother!” Zenitsu said.
“Is this news to you?”
“Is he actually married to Ms. Kocho?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Genya was usually in a sour mood in group settings, spurred on by the volume of his hyperactive “friends” (he always called them acquaintances, at best, who forced their way into his life and wouldn’t go away). But, he broke into a soft smile when a spoonful of rice and beef came to his mouth, attached to Muichirou’s hand.
“Thank you,” Genya mumbled before he ate the bite of food. Muichirou nodded softly. He was quiet in group settings but extremely talkative one-on-one. He knew everything about Genya and his family—but no one bothered to ask him about Mr. Shinazugawa’s love life. (Strangely, despite neither hiding it, the others didn’t realize Genya and Muichirou were so close.)
Except for Yuichirou, Muichirou’s twin brother, older by about eight minutes. He was the opposite of Muichirou in every way but looks. He was comparable to Genya in a lot of ways, including his disdain for any topic of conversation Zenitsu started.
“We shouldn’t be in our teachers’ business anyway,” Yuichirou scolded.
“You’re not a little curious?”
“No.”
“Well, I am. If Mr. Tomioka is dating someone, I can’t believe it.” Zenitsu ranted, because he couldn’t just let anything go. “He’s so mean!”
“Mr. Iguro is mean, and he’s married to Mrs. Kanroji,” Muichirou pointed out.
“Mr. Iguro is nice!” Tanjirou argued, but he thought everyone was nice, so he was promptly ignored and even given a side-eye by his girlfriend, Kanao.
“I know, that relationship doesn’t make any sense to me,” Zenitsu said. He started tapping two of his fingers against the table to emphasize his point. “He’s a stuck-up hard ass and she’s one of the nicest women on planet earth. She’s definitely the nicest teacher in this school!”
“Ms. Kocho is also really nice,” Tanjirou said. “The older one. I haven’t met the younger one.”
“Ms. Shinobu is really nice, too,” Kanao said quietly, because she didn’t like to speak in group settings either. “She’s my sister.”
“Is she married to Mr. Tomioka?” Zenitsu asked.
“What?” Yuichirou asked. “Didn’t you just say he’s an asshole?”
“Yes, and it fits with my theory! All the asshole teachers married the nice ones,” Zenitsu said. “Mr. Iguro married Mrs. Kanroji. Mr. Shinazugawa married Ms. Kocho. Mr. Tomioka married Ms. Shinobu.”
“Isn’t Ms. Shinobu also Ms. Kocho?” Inosuke asked. He very rarely engaged in what Zenitsu was saying, but he was fairly focused on this conversation, for some reason.
“Well, yeah, but I’m trying to differentiate them. Keep up,” Zenitsu complained.
“She’s not married,” Kanao said. “She’s gay.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t give him that information,” Genya begged. “He’s never gonna let this go.”
“Hold on.” Zenitsu pulled out a piece of paper and started writing out all of the teachers’ names.
“Seriously?” Yuichirou asked.
“We can figure this out!” Zenitsu insisted, even though only Kanao and Inosuke (albeit only a little) showed any interest in actually figuring this out.
“We shouldn’t pry into their private lives,” Tanjirou insisted.
Too late. Zenitsu already had their names written down.
“Okay, so we know Ms. Kocho and Mr. Shinazugawa are together—”
“You do not know that,” Genya said, but Zenitsu ignored him.
“We know Mr. Iguro and Mrs. Kanroji are together.” Zenitsu drew circles around their names and connected them with a wobbly line across the page. That left six names.
“There’s too many guys here,” Zenitsu noted.
“People can be gay, dumbass,” Yuichirou muttered. He would know, what with his fireball of a boyfriend. Yuichirou and Inosuke were the most interesting couple in the school, in that no one, in a million years, would pair them together, but they made perfect sense to anyone who actually sat and watched them interact for a while.
“My sister is gay,” Kanao said.
“There aren’t any more women.” Zenitsu tapped his pen against the paper. “Huh.”
“Maybe they’re not all dating other teachers,” Inosuke suggested.
“I heard Mr. Uzui has three wives,” Nezuko helpfully supplied. She was also a girl of few words, but she was always inevitably pulled into Zenitsu’s antics—a consequence of dating him.
“So one of them must be Ms. Shinobu!” Zenitsu said.
“Dude,” Yuichirou said. “She is gay.”
“Yeah, so are you,” Zenitsu dismissed. Yuichirou threw his hands up, confused and likely a bit offended, as well.
“Maybe he’s not married to anyone in the school?” Nezuko suggested. She stole Zenitsu’s pen to lightly cross out Mr. Uzui’s and Ms. Shinobu’s names on his paper. “They’re not involved with any of the other teachers.”
Mr. Himejima, Mr. Rengoku, Mr. Sabito, and Mr. Tomioka were the only four teachers left.
“Maybe he’s dating Mr. Rengoku?” Tanjirou suggested, finally interested in the conclusions Zenitsu and Nezuko had come to, since Nezuko was now involved. He was interested in anything his siblings were interested in.
“Maybe. But isn’t he a little too happy-go-lucky for Mr. Tomioka?” Nezuko asked. “Wouldn’t Mr. Tomioka date someone calm?”
“Mr. Himejima?” Tanjirou suggested, hesitant and uncertain.
“Maybe?” Nezuko twisted her face in doubt. “I don’t know. I can’t picture it.”
“I mean, if Mr. Tomioka is really gay, he would definitely like bigger guys,” Kanao said. “Shinobu likes taller women.”
“Are we even sure he’s gay?” Genya asked.
“There are only three teachers left, and they’re all guys, so he must be,” Zenitsu said.
“Why are you so convinced he’s dating a teacher?” Genya rolled his eyes. “Didn’t we just disprove the theory that all the teachers are dating each other?”
“And what if he’s single?” Yuichirou suggested. “He’s a loner, and he’s only 25, right?”
“He’s 28,” Inosuke said.
“How do you know that?”
Inosuke shrugged.
“Right. Anyway.” Zenitsu tapped his pen against Mr. Sabito’s name. “It could be Mr. Sabito, but he’s also kind of mean.”
“It fits your theory,” Genya said through a mouthful of his lunch. “Mean guy marries a pretty woman.”
“Mr. Tomioka’s not a woman, though,” Tanjirou said.
“No, but he’s pretty.” Genya shrugged. He pointed his thumb at Yuichirou and Inosuke. “Look at these two. The shoe fits.”
“Which one’s the pretty one?” Zenitsu asked sarcastically.
“Be nice,” Nezuko warned.
“No comment,” Genya mumbled.
“It better be me,” Yuichirou said. “Your boyfriend has my face.”
“Don’t say that to me ever again.” Genya closed his eyes and held his palm up to Yuichirou. “I’ll throw up.”
“Genya,” Muichirou warned. Genya obediently shut his mouth around another bite of food.
“Anyway!” Zenitsu clapped, and he pivoted the group’s attention right back to his paper. “We should just ask if he’s married!”
“He doesn’t answer personal questions,” Tanjirou said. “I’ve tried.”
Yuichirou eyed him funnily. “Uh, why?”
“I feel bad for him!” Tanjirou said. “He’s always eating lunch by himself, and he never talks to anyone, even the other teachers. He should have friends! He’s cool!”
“Cool?” Zenitsu, Yuichirou, and Genya all said at once.
“You guys are dicks,” Nezuko said, but she laughed her way through it.
“We can at least try to ask him,” Zenitsu said.
“Be my guest,” Nezuko said, followed by mumbles of agreement around the table.
“Hey, no way, I need help, that man hates me.”
“It’s your idea, you deal with it,” Yuichirou said.
“Yeah. I, for one, still couldn’t care less about our teachers’ love lives, or lives in general,” Genya said. “Don’t know why you do.”
“Maybe, if we get to know his partner, we’ll get to know Mr. Tomioka better.” Zenitsu directed the comment at Tanjirou. “Or, if he’s not married, we could try to set him up with another teacher. Then he won’t be lonely.”
Tanjirou folded immediately, “I’m in.”
“Why are you so fascinated by this guy? He literally just teaches PE,” Yuichirou said.
“He seems bummed out a lot, I want to help!” Tanjirou said. “We should do it!”
Tanjirou had a much easier time persuading people to do things, on account of him being very likeable.
“Fine,” Genya grumbled.
“If it ends this conversation faster, sure,” Yuichirou mumbled.
“Yes!” Zenitsu clapped his hands together. “Okay, here’s the plan.”
“Oh, geez.”
“Really?”
“A plan?”
“You’re not serious.”
“I can’t wait!”
☄. *. ⋆
“Alright.” Zenitsu clapped his hands around an uncapped market. He was standing at the front of his living room with a large whiteboard set up next to him. He had all 10 of their teachers’ names written across the bottom of the white board, ready to be crossed off as he gathered information from everyone else sitting in front of him, much like a classroom of small children. “What do you got for me?”
Zenitsu’s plan (a very loose term for what he’d come up with) was forcing the group of friends, in pairs, to talk to — or, worse, spy on — all of their teachers for the remainder of the week. The goal was to gather as much information about the teachers’ relationships as possible so Zenitsu could “uncover the mystery” of their love lives.
Genya raised his hand. Zenitsu pointed at him, “Yes.”
“This was stupid.”
Zenitsu glared. Next to Genya, Muichirou also raised his hand—much more helpful, “But we did find out some stuff.”
Genya and Muichirou were assigned to Mr. Himejima and Mr. Shinazugawa. As stupid as the “plan” was, Zenitsu did a good job of pairing the duos off with teachers who liked them most. Muichirou and Mr. Himejima were quite close because they were neighbors and family friends. Genya and Mr. Shinazugawa were brothers.
“Mr. Himejima isn’t married, but he has a lot of kids,” Muichirou said. “And he told me Mr. Sabito and his partner sometimes come over to watch them.”
Zenitsu scribbled the information on the board quickly—only the relevant pieces (Mr. Himejima — not married, Mr. Sabito — partner ???).
“What else?”
“Nothing. He didn’t say who Mr. Sabito’s partner was. Don’t even know if it’s a man or a woman,” Muichirou said.
“Probably a man,” Genya guessed. “Or he wouldn’t say ‘partner,’ he’d just say wife.”
“Mr. Uzui calls his wives his partners,” Nezuko said.
“Yeah, but he’s weird,” Genya argued.
Zenitsu turned around to point at Genya when he was done writing. “Is Mr. Shinazugawa married?”
Genya rolled his eyes, still partially unwilling to give the information up, but he relented, “He’s engaged.”
“To who?”
“I’m not—”
“My sister,” Kanao volunteered.
“Kanao.”
“He’ll stop pestering us if we just tell him,” Kanao said, which was a fair point. Zenitsu scribbled on the board again: Mr. Shinzaugawa — engaged to Ms. Kocho. He crossed out their names at the bottom of the board, as well as Mr. Sabito’s, though he circled Mr. Himejima’s.
“Anything else?”
“That’s all we got,” Muichirou said.
“But we got a lot of information!” Nezuko said excitedly, looking at Zenitsu expectantly. The two of them were paired up with Mrs. Kanroji and Mr. Uzui.
“He’s married,” Zenitsu said, crossing out Mr. Uzui’s name. He wrote, closer to the top of the board, Mr. Uzui — married to three women, not teachers. “And he told us there are only four teachers who aren’t married.”
He wrote that in big, bold letters at the top of the board: FOUR TEACHERS, NOT MARRIED. Right beneath it, he quickly drew four bullet points.
“Well, Mr. Himejima is one of them,” Muichirou said.
“And Shinobu,” Kanao added.
Zenitsu wrote their names next to the first two bullet points.
“The other two are my brother and his fiancé, then,” Genya said. “They’re not married yet.”
“Wait, but what if Mr. Uzui thinks they are? Or considers them basically married?” Tanjirou asked. “I don’t think Mr. Rengoku is married, either.”
“He doesn’t have a partner?” Zenitsu asked. Tanjirou, with Kanao, was assigned to Mr. Tomioka and Mr. Rengoku. They were also technically paired with the Kochou sisters, since Kanao lived with both of them and knew a lot about them.
“He didn’t really say,” Tanjirou admitted.
“We didn’t have good luck,” Kanao added. “Mr. Tomioka just made us run extra laps when we tried to ask him a question.”
“And Mr. Rengoku is really hard to keep track of,” Tanjirou said, exasperated. “We tried to follow him after lunch for three days in a row, but, I swear, he disappeared every time.”
“How do you lose track of a guy with yellow and red hair?”
“I don’t know, but he is really fast.”
Zenitsu shook his head. “Whatever. Did he talk to you, at least?”
“Kind of?” Tanjirou said. “He said he doesn’t discuss any personal matters with students.”
“Of course he did.”
Nobody knew anything about Mr. Rengoku, except that he was a kind teacher and probably very close with Mr. Uzui, since the two were often spotted walking the halls or eating lunch together.
“What if Mr. Rengoku is married to Mr. Uzui, too?” Nezuko suggested.
“That man is so greedy,” Zenitsu mumbled, looking at his board and shaking his head. “Three wives and a husband?”
“Mrs. Kanroji said every single teacher in the school has a partner or a family,” Nezuko said. “So he must have someone.”
“Yeah, but that could just be siblings,” Zenitsu said, gesturing in Kanao’s direction. “Ms. Shinobu is single. Right?”
“Right,” Kanao confirmed.
“The other two single people must be Mr. Rengoku and Mr. Tomioka,” Zenitsu said. He tapped his fingers against his chin, then whipped around to point at the quietest duo of the group, for the time being—only because they didn’t care about all of this. Inosuke and Yuichirou had been paired with Mr. Sabito and Mr. Iguro.
“You two! What did you find out?”
“Nothing,” Yuichirou said.
“Seriously?”
“We tried to talk to Mr. Iguro, but he just stared at us until we left,” Yuichirou said. “And he spends all of his time with Mrs. Kanroji.”
Because he hadn’t yet, Zenitsu crossed off Mrs. Kanorji’s and Mr. Iguro’s names at the bottom of the whiteboard, and he wrote Mr. Iguro — married to Mrs. Kanroji.
“What about Mr. Sabito?”
“He told us his love life is none of our business,” Yuichirou said.
“And you didn’t see him with any of the teachers?”
“No—”
“He hangs out with Mr. Rengoku a lot,” Inosuke said. Yuichirou frowned, “When did you find that out?”
Inosuke shrugged.
“Take that with a grain of salt,” Yuichirou suggested.
“Look.” Inosuke held up his phone. Before anyone could lean closer or get a good look, Zenitsu snatched the phone out of Inosuke’s hand.
Genya jolted, “How the fuck do you move so fast?”
Zenitsu ignored him completely. “Holy shit, Inosuke, how did you get this?”
Inosuke shrugged.
“What is it?”
Zenitsu selfishly held onto Inosuke’s phone for another minute, but he eventually passed it around so everyone could see it. The photo was taken inside of the teacher’s lounge, from a vantage point. All 10 of the teachers were there. Mrs. Kanroji and Mr. Iguro were sitting with Ms. Shinobu, eating lunch. Mr. Uzui and Mr. Rengoku were standing with Mr. Sabito, close to the microwave. Ms. Kochou and Mr. Shinazugawa were walking into the room together. Mr. Tomioka was sitting by himself, but he was looking at Mr. Himejima, who was sitting a few seats away with a stack of papers in front of him.
“I got it!” Zenitsu announced. He began wildly explaining his theory, pointing at all the conclusions he’d already drawn on the board as he walked through it: “Mr. Rengoku and Mr. Sabito are dating, but they both agreed to be secretive about their love lives and not let students know. That’s why they both rejected talking to us. Mr. Tomioka is single, but he likes Mr. Himejima, so we need to get them together.”
“Oh, hell no,” Genya said. He stood up, reaching for Muichirou to help him stand, too. “We are not getting involved in this.”
☄. *. ⋆
Genya and Muichirou were key components to the follow-up plan, which was, essentially, to force as much proximity between Mr. Himejima and Mr. Tomioka as possible.
“Okay.” Zenitsu clapped his hands together. It was 6:22 in the morning, and he was standing in front of Inosuke and Genya, who were about to stage a fight. (It was supposed to be Inosuke and Yuichirou, so Genya didn’t have to get involved at all, but, apparently, too many of the teachers knew about Inosuke’s and Yuichirou’s relationship, so it would look more like a domestic dispute. No one else could step up to the plate because fighting was way too out of character, and they were going for realism, for some reason.)
“Just start yelling at each other,” Zenitsu said. He pointed at the twins, “You two go get Mr. Himejima,” then at Tanjirou, “And you go get Mr. Tomioka.”
Zenitsu stepped back and clapped his hands again. “And, scene!”
It was way too early in the morning for this.
Inosuke was very committed to the fake fight, starting it by shoving Genya’s shoulders and screaming in his face, “Don’t talk to me like that!”
“Fuck you,” Genya snarled back. Muichirou, Yuichirou, and Tanjirou were already gone, rushing off to fetch Mr. Himejima and Mr. Tomioka.
“Fuck you! I’ll put you through the table in homeroom!”
“I’d like to see you try, boar boy!”
It was, quite possibly, the lamest fight Genya had ever been in—not that he had been in a lot of fights, especially if Sanemi was the one asking. He didn’t usually just yell at the other guy; he would hit them. He wasn’t a punk. But, he was forced to stand there and hurl insults at Inosuke (which was, admittedly, a little therapeutic) while they waited for the teachers to arrive and break up their fight.
Mr. Tomioka was the first to walk outside, with Tanjirou trailing behind him, acting his ass off with the worry painted all over his face. Mr. Tomioka strolled over to the two of them calmly, only uncrossing his arms when he reached the bickering boys. His hands shot out to grab the backs of their heads and slam their foreheads together.
Genya stumbled back, a burst of pain exploding in his forehead. Inosuke actually tumbled to the ground, also holding the spot on his head that had slammed into Genya’s skull.
“What the hell!”
“Mr. Tomioka!”
“What are you two arguing about?” Mr. Tomioka crossed his arms again. Genya was seeing stars, barely able to keep up with the scene around him — like Mr. Himejima rushing outside.
“Are you two okay?” Mr. Himejima asked. He put his hand on Genya’s shoulder, crouching to be eye-level with him. “Did you get hit?”
“Mr. Tomioka slammed our heads together!” Inosuke complained. He scrambled to his feet. There was a comically red spot on his forehead. Genya had a feeling he had a matching spot beneath his hand.
“Tomioka,” Mr. Himejima said. Mr. Tomioka shrugged, “They stopped fighting.”
Mr. Himejima actually laughed, a loud, boisterous sound that didn’t suit the situation—at least, not with how strict Mr. Himejima usually was.
“I suppose that’s true,” Mr. Himejima said. He placed a hand each on Genya and Inosuke. “Come on, let’s get you two to the nurse. Tomioka? Join me, please?”
Mr. Himejima walked Genya and Inosuke away from the scene, and Mr. Tomioka trailed behind him.
Zenitsu rushed over to Tanjirou. “Holy shit!”
“That went really well!” Tanjirou said. The two of them peered down the hallway, where the twins were peeking out of Mr. Himejima’s classroom, and the two lovers-to-be were making sure Genya and Inosuke made it to the nurse’s office safely.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have anyone fight again, though, unless Mr. Himejima shows up first,” Tanjirou suggested. “That was really scary.”
☄. *. ⋆
The next star of the show was Nezuko, who was also one hell of an actress. Her performance was staggered, a week after Genya’s and Inosuke’s so as to not raise suspicion, and to let the boys recover from the concussions that Mr. Tomioka had nearly given them. It was up to Inosuke and Kanao, since they were unreasonably quiet and sneaky, to trail behind Mr. Himejima and Mr. Tomioka to see if they were hanging out more.
They weren’t.
Nezuko walked down the hallway like normal. It was early in the morning again, when most students still hadn’t shown up, but most of the teachers had. Close to Mr. Himejima’s room, she suddenly dropped her books, yelped as loud as she could, and collapsed on the ground.
For someone who was nearly seven feet fall, Mr. Himejima moved like lightning. He rushed out of his classroom and immediately sat on the ground next to the collapsed Nezuko. His hand hovered over his back, and his voice was deep with worry, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
Nezuko barely held herself up, one hand pressed to the ground, the other to her chest. She wheezed, her voice coming out just above a whisper, “My chest hurts.”
Tanjirou came running around the corner with Mr. Tomioka behind him, dragging his feet. He picked up the pace when he saw a student on the ground.
“What’s going on?” Mr. Tomioka also sat down, crouching close to the ground to examine Nezuko’s face.
“Her chest hurts,” Mr. Himejima said, without taking his eyes off of Nezuko. “Ms. Kamado? Are you having trouble breathing?”
“My heart is beating really fast,” she whimpered.
“Does she have panic attacks?” Mr. Tomioka asked, looking at Tanjirou.
“Sometimes,” Tanjirou lied. Mr. Tomioka turned away sooner than he could see the awkward smile on Tanjirou’s face. He was a really terrible liar.
“Okay. Stay with her for a second.” Mr. Tomioka stood up, and he temporarily disappeared into Mr. Himejima’s room. Tanjirou stood awkwardly by, just hovering, while Mr. Himejima carefully monitored Nezuko’s condition.
Mr. Tomioka came back with a water bottle, a piece of paper, and a pen.
“Tanjirou, move her hair away from her neck,” Mr. Tomioka instructed. Tanjirou did as he was told, and Mr. Tomioka poured some of the water down her back.
“Ah!” Nezuko jolted at the sudden, cold sensation. She whipped her head up to look at Mr. Tomioka, “What was that?”
“Just water. You can have one of the gym shirts to wear for the day,” Mr. Tomioka said. He put the paper on the ground — a homework sheet? He handed her the pen. “Solve this.”
Nezuko blinked a few times, glancing between Mr. Tomioka and the sheet on the ground.
“Her chest hurts,” Mr. Himejima muttered. Mr. Tomioka nodded, but he kept watching Nezuko. She looked between the paper, the pen, and Mr. Tomioka again, even directing her sights up to Tanjirou for a second. Then, she put the pen down.
“I feel better,” she said, rubbing the base of her neck.
“Next time that happens,” Mr. Tomioka said to Tanjirou. “Put something cold on her neck and try to get her to focus on something. Or confuse her. Don’t scare her, but get her to think about something other than her panic or her heartbeat.”
“Yes, sir,” Tanjirou said.
“Take her to the nurse,” Mr. Tomioka said. He handed Nezuko the water bottle. “And drink the rest of this.”
“Thank you,” Nezuko said. Tanjirou helped her stand up, and they started walking to the nurse, like they were told.
Behind them, and while they were still in earshot, Mr. Himejima asked, “How did you know to do that?”
Mr. Tomioka said, “That’s how I stop mine.”
They glanced back to see Mr. Tomioka and Mr. Himejima lingering in the hallway together, standing on either side of the little pool of water and chatting, laughing all the while.
Bingo.
☄. *. ⋆
A month went by, and not much more happened between Mr. Himejima and Mr. Tomioka, according to Inosuke’s and Kanao’s consistent spy mission. Zenitsu was brainstorming another plan—maybe the girls could fight, this time? But what if Mr. Tomioka just slammed their heads together again? No, he wouldn’t do that to girls. But it would be suspicious, right? Another fight within the same friend group? Hm. Maybe a fake injury? But that would start to get suspicious, too.
The group didn’t get very far in their conversation. Genya and Muichirou were in their own world, practically checked out of Mr. Tomioka’s love life. Yuichirou was busy texting Inosuke, who wasn’t at lunch yet—until he came racing toward the table, completely interrupting the group’s brainstorming and side conversations.
“I know who it is!” Inosuke nearly toppled over the table in his haste to drop his phone on top of Zenitsu’s scribbled-down ideas.
Yuichirou was the only one who reacted favorably to Inosuke’s presence, reaching out to hug his waist. The rest complained about him being too loud, jump-scaring them—and then it was Zenitsu’s turn to make a scene, snatching Inosuke’s phone off the table and yelling, way too loud for a public space, “Holy shit!”
The group all gathered around, pressing in far too close to each other, to get a look at Inosuke’s screen.
There were actually a few pictures to look at. One was of Mr. Tomioka and Mr. Sabito walking out of the school together, when they’d just barely emerged from the hallway and into the after-school brightness of the sun. The next was them halfway down the steps in front of the school, holding hands. They were both smiling; it looked like Mr. Tomioka was laughing. Mr. Tomioka never smiled! Or laughed!
Then, Mr. Sabito and Mr. Tomioka were in the same car—and they were kissing. Mr. Tomioka’s left hand was on the wheel. He was wearing a ring!
“You should be a detective,” Yuichirou said.
“Holy shit!” Zenitsu said—once again, way too loudly. He lowered his voice, “Mr. Tomioka is married to Mr. Sabito. How the hell did we get that wrong?”
Next to them, someone cleared their throat. All the kids looked up to see Mr. Sabito standing there, Mr. Tomioka a few paces behind them. Mr. Sabito’s arms were crossed, a strict expression on his face. Mr. Tomioka similarly had his eyes narrowed.
“Hallway. All of you,” Mr. Sabito said. “Now.”
☄. *. ⋆
The kids sat with their calves folded under their thighs, toes touching the wall of the hallway, lined up in front of Mr. Sabito and Mr. Tomioka. Their hands were on their legs, and they were all bowing their heads.
“Have you been following us around?” Mr. Sabito asked—demanded. The kids just barely glanced at each other; they all landed on Zenitsu.
“It wasn’t my idea.”
“Yes, it was!” Genya said. He bravely looked up, raising his hand. “He was the reason Inosuke and I were fighting.”
“We weren’t actually fighting,” Inosuke tacked on. “It was a prank.”
“You can’t pull pranks like that,” Mr. Tomioka said. “You two are lucky you didn’t get detention.”
“What idea are you referring to?” Mr. Sabito asked. Once again, all of the kids looked at Zenitsu.
Tanjirou came to his rescue, “Okay. There was this rumor going around that all of the teachers are married, but we’ve never seen Mr. Tomioka hang out with anyone! So we thought he might be lonely. So we started . . . asking.”
Mr. Sabito raised an eyebrow. “Asking?”
“We wanted to find out if any of the other teachers were single,” Tanjirou admitted. “We figured we could set him up with whoever’s single. And we found out that Mr. Himejima doesn’t have a wife, just a lot of kids, so . . .”
Mr. Tomioka snorted. “You were trying to set me up with Himejima?”
“We knew you were gay, and he’s really nice, so we thought maybe—”
“Hold on.” Mr. Tomioka put both of his hands up in front of him to stop Tanjirou in his tracks. “How did you know that?”
“Well, Mr. Himejima always asks how students are doing, and he has a calm demeanor—”
“Tanjirou,” Mr. Tomioka said. “How did you know I was gay?”
Tanjirou glanced to his right, where all the other kids were.
“It was obvious,” Zenitsu said. “No offense.”
Mr. Sabito laughed at that, though he tried to hide it behind his hand. Mr. Tomioka looked offended.
“We’re really sorry!” Tanjirou said quickly. “We just didn’t want you to be lonely, Mr. Tomioka!”
“I am not lonely,” Mr. Tomioka said. He touched Mr. Sabito’s arm, and he looked at him so lovingly, in a way none of them, and probably no one other than Mr. Sabito, had seen Mr. Tomioka look before. “Sabito and I have been together for a long time.”
“Really?” Nezuko perked up. She loved romance. “How long?”
“Seventeen years.”
A few of the kids gasped in shock; the rest of them chorused, “Seventeen?”
“We’re childhood friends,” Mr. Sabito said. He looked behind him, making eye contact with Mr. Tomioka for a brief moment. Again, it was achingly sweet, the way they looked at each other. They were both fairly stoic teachers who didn’t mess around in their respective classrooms. But now, with their guards down, they looked younger, like teenagers who had just fallen in love.
“Wait. Aren’t you both 28?” Inosuke asked. Mr. Tomioka and Mr. Sabito looked at him at the same time, their faces morphing from sweet, sickly adoration to confusion.
“How do you know that?” Mr. Sabito asked.
Inosuke shrugged. Mr. Sabito and Mr. Tomioka continued to stare at him for a moment. Again, Tanjirou had to come to his rescue, “We’re really sorry about all of this. We’ll stay out of your business from now on!”
“You should never be sticking your noses into teachers’ business in the first place. Got it?” Mr. Sabito asked. All of the kids nodded. He looked back at Mr. Tomioka for a moment, and they shared a prolonged look — which seemed to be more of a silent conversation than a moment of deep love — before Mr. Sabito turned back to the kids. He glanced left and right down the hall, then lowered his voice and leaned a little closer to the group, “What did you find out about Rengoku?”
The kids looked at each other. Nezuko slowly raised her hand. “He doesn’t discuss his love life with students.”
“And he’s really hard to keep up with,” Tanjirou added.
Mr. Sabito tsk’ed. The kids kept awkwardly glancing around, until Yuichirou was brave enough to ask, “Did you . . . want to know something?”
“We’ve been trying to figure out if he’s married to Uzui or not,” Mr. Sabito admitted.
“We could find out,” Inosuke said. Genya elbowed him in the ribs. In response, Yuichirou elbowed him in the ribs. Muichirou, in the middle of them, put his hands on both of their arms to stop them from fighting in front of two teachers who were already mad at them.
“Hm.” Mr. Sabito tapped his fingers against his bicep. “Okay. You find out what’s going on with Rengoku and Uzui, and we won’t give any of you detention.”
“That was on the table?! I’ve never gotten detention in my life!” Tanjirou exclaimed.
“Sabito, we can’t blackmail the kids,” Mr. Tomioka scolded.
“You slammed their heads together two months ago!” Mr. Sabito said, gesturing to Inosuke and Genya. Mr. Tomioka shrugged, “For good reason.”
“I’m on it!” Inosuke said, scrambling to his feet and saluting. Genya groaned, shaking his head, “You are so embarrassing.”
“No more pictures, alright?” Mr. Sabito said. He handed Inosuke’s phone back. “You better delete the ones of us. And keep this amongst yourselves.”
The kids chorused, “Yes, sir,” and they were able to go back to lunch after promising not to do anything illegal or stalk any of the teachers again (. . . after they found out what was going on with Mr. Rengoku and Mr. Uzui).
Back at their table, the kids didn’t talk much about what happened, choosing instead to focus on their food and their side conversations with their partners.
Nezuko was the first to bring it up, about 10 minutes before lunch ended. “Mr. Uzui said only four teachers aren’t married, right?”
“Right,” Muichirou said, the first words he’d spoken in nearly an hour. He poked Genya, “It must be your brother and his fiancé.”
“Mr. Himejima, Ms. Shinobu, Mr. Shinazugawa, and Ms. Kochou,” Zenitsu mumbled, writing all of their names on the back of the page he’d just barely hid from Mr. Sabito and Mr. Tomioka. “Mr. Rengoku has to be married, then.”
“He’s wife number four,” Nezuko assumed.
“I’ll find out,” Inosuke said with confidence.
“You are really creepy,” Genya said.
But, sure as hell and barely two weeks later, Inosuke had them all gathered in the gym at the beginning of lunch with Mr. Tomioka, Mr. Sabito, and an announcement, “Mr. Rengoku is secretly married to Mr. Uzui!”
“Wow, he really is greedy,” Zenitsu muttered.
“I’m jealous,” Kanao said. Tanjirou looked at her with wide eyes. She shrugged, “What? Three wives and a husband sounds cool.”
Tanjirou’s eyes grew impossibly wider.
“You didn’t commit any crimes to get this information, did you, kid?” Mr. Sabito asked. Inosuke shrugged.
“That means yes,” Yuichirou said.
“Great,” Mr. Sabito muttered. “Well, don’t get caught, or we get fired. And no more stalking any of us, okay?”
The kids agreed, and they all went off to eat lunch and (hopefully) not come up with any more schemes involving the teachers. They all had their final exams coming up, anyway. At least they’d be occupied for a few weeks.