Chapter Text
Davy: Alright, listen up, dumbasses.
Davy: Not you, Peter. You're an angel and we're all glad you're here.
Mike: I love Micky and the two non-Mickys equally.
Mike: We need a distraction.
Peter: Davy could get naked!
Mike: No.
Peter: I could get naked!
Mike, Micky, and Davy: NO!
Davy: *kisses Peter*
Peter: !
Davy: ...Did you steal my chapstick?
Peter: Did- did I what?
Davy: My chapstick, Peter. Did you steal it?
Mike: Davy, for the love of God, not this again.
Peter: I- No, I didn't steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick.
Davy: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold on one Etsy shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn't go bad. It's been discontinued for three years. No one uses the same chapstick for three years. So unless you've been eating a whole fuck ton of something that's flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick.
Peter: Chocolate and popcorn?
Mike: Why do you think it got discontinued?
Peter: I think I'm falling for you.
Mike: Then get up.
*Davy and Micky are texting*
Davy: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste. NONE.
Micky: I got spring water.
Davy: NO!
Micky: With EXTRA minerals!
Micky: It’s like licking a stalagmite!
Davy: DON’T COME HOME!
Micky: Mmmmmm, cave water.
*Peter falls down the stairs*
Davy: Oh, no, Peter! Are you okay!? Do you need me to kiss it better!?
*Micky falls down the stairs*
Mike, not looking up from what he's doing: Do a backflip next time.
*Micky sneezes*
Mike: Oh no, Mick, are you sick!? Here, have some soup! AND BLANKETS!
*Peter sneezes*
Mike: Shut the fuck up.
Micky: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Davy: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
Mike: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution.
Peter: You could lose a few.
Davy: You could be less lazy.
Peter, again: Don’t be such a bitch.
Mike: Okay DAMN, SHIT.
Mike, handing out popsicles: Which flavor do ya want?
Peter: Blue flavor!
Mike: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry?
Peter: Blue flavor! Blue flavor!
Mike: Blue ain't a flavor!
Peter: BLUE FLAVOR!
*Peter and Davy texting*
Peter: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.
Davy: Isn't Mike there?
Peter: Yes but I like you more.
Mike: What the fuck.
Mike: ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship.
Mike: Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.