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It was cold. Unbearably so. Before everything with that stupid crowbar happened, he could stand it. All his early years were spent in the cold, he knew he could stand it. But now he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand how it bit at his skin, at anything that was exposed to it. He couldn’t stand how it sucked the breath out of him, how it made him shake uncontrollably.
The only part of it that made this situation somewhat bearable, was that Jason could focus on the cold and not the agonizing pain coming from his stomach.
Everything was fine not long before. He was doing a normal patrol, he didn’t stray from his normal path. So why was this happening?
Jason sat, slumped against the wall of a too familiar alley way with a nasty gunshot wound to his stomach. While being shot wasn’t uncommon in his line of work, it normally didn’t result in what was currently happening. He was weak, very weak, and he was too far from any safehouse he or the Bats had. His comms were busted, not that anyone had responded to his distress call before it went down, and he didn’t have any spares on him. He was utterly fucked.
So instead of clawing his way to a safehouse, dying who knows where in the process, he just found the closest alley and took a seat.
It was ironic this was the alley he found himself in as he still had dreams about it. He was 12, maybe 13, and was full of spite and determination. Tool in hand, he found the most expensive car he could find that was unoccupied, and tried taking it's hubcaps. He’s kind of happy that this was the alley he picked to die in now.
Thinking back, he wonders if he still would have tried if he knew what he would get roped into. If he knew that he would be made into a Robin. That he would be tortured and murdered only to be brought back to life and have his mind be scrambled. If he knew that he would be pushed away and beaten by his own family.
But what does it matter now? Nothing matters in this situation. Jason knows he isn’t getting out of this alive. He has already lost a shit ton of blood and has no backup to help him. He reached up with both hands, leaving the wound to the open air, and removed his helmet. It wasn’t like anyone would be coming through and even if they were, his domino was still in place. Not that it mattered much, he would be dead soon anyways. He dropped his helmet on the floor and placed an arm back over the bloody gash. Now that the helmet was off, the smells of the alley assaulted his nose. The smell of garbage, smoke, piss, blood. Nothing has really changed, he realised. Everything was the same as when he started this whole ordeal as Red Hood. His whole goal was to better Crime Alley, make it a place safe for the working girls and the children that lived there. For anyone just trying to get by in life.
But it still smelt the same. It shouldn’t have bugged him as much as it did, but it did. Was everything he was doing really worth it? Did it change anything? Everything he did just felt pointless now. Sitting among the dirt and grime, his mind wandered over to picture his family. Why did this have to happen now? He was finally at a good place with everyone in his life, why now?
Jason pictured his grandfather. He thought about his first interaction with Alfred when he came back as Red Hood. He was quick to apologise to the older man for running off to see his mother, for coming back only to fight Bruce, for all the lives he took. For everything he ever did. Of course, Alfred brushed it aside in favor of hugging Jason and ensuring he was fed and rested, just happy to have his grandson back.
Jason pictured his sisters. His relationship with Barbara never strained, even after everything that happened and how he treated her when he came back as Red Hood. She was glad to have him back and she became a safety net for him during missions for a very long time.
His relationship with Cass and Steph was slow at first, both of them being weary of Jason. But for everything they heard from the rest of the family, good and bad, they made their own conclusions and opinions of Jason. Once their minds were set about him, the three of them became close. They treated him like their brother, and he treated them like his sisters.
Jason pictured his older brother. After Jason's first return as Red Hood was spent fighting with Dick, Tim and Bruce, Dick was determined to make Jason’s second return one of reconciling. He tried everyday to get his brother back, something that really pissed Jason off at first. But he grew to appreciate his brother's determination. Now, they were closer than they’ve ever been before, and they're both happy to admit that. They spend much of their civilian time together, and some of their patrol together when Jason permits Dick entrance into his area of Gotham.
Jason pictured his younger brothers. Shortly into Red Hood’s return, Jason made sure he apologised to Tim for how he treated him and for trying to kill him. While Tim made it clear he didn’t hold a grudge, the guilt of what he’d done ate at Jason for a while, before and after apologising. His relationship with Damien on the other hand, ranged depending on how they both were feeling. While the tension that was present when they first met was no longer there, mostly due to their time spent together in the League, they were both hot headed, leading to arguments and fighting here and there. Despite it all, Jason valued both his younger brothers and appreciated both of them being in his life.
Jason pictured Bruce.
Their relationship was strained after Jason's first return as Red Hood, and even more so when he returned a second time. That confrontation with them and the Joker heavily impacted their relationship for the first few months of Red Hoods resurfacing.
But they had made progress. Both tried their best to repair the relationship and it had been working. They were finally speaking to each other in costume without sounding like they hated each other. And when Jason decided he would attend a family dinner, it no longer ended with the two of them in an argument. And when Bruce offered Jason a hug, it was no longer awkward for either of them. Jason was finally seeing Bruce as his father again.
As much as the situation sucked, Jason was at least a little happy knowing that his family cared for him.
Jason looked up, tilting his head up enough so he could stare at the stars above. He thought about his earlier question.
Yes. If he could go back to that night in the alley and do anything different, he wouldn’t. Because for everything bad that happened from becoming Bruce’s son, at least twice as many good things came from it. And calling himself Bruce’s son was one of them.
As he felt his vision waver and his body ache in pain, he sucked in a sharp breath and shut his eyes.
He didn’t want to die.