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@IlyaRozanov:
📸: (mirror selfie after practice: half-naked, damp curls, pants sitting unfairly well)
Some people ask how it feels to be hottest hockey player alive.
I tell them it is burden I carry for humanity, yes.
You are welcome.
#TooHotToBeHumble
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@CentsFan99: I JUST OPENED THE APP???
@PuckPrincess: Sir this is a hockey account. 🏒
@BlueLineBeauty: Respectfully... good LORD. #TooHotToBeHumble
@FrecklesFan: Shane is stronger than every marine on Earth.
@StatsNerd: Advanced analytics confirm this man has never met a mirror he didn't defeat.
@HaydenPike: Delete this before children see it.
@JackiePike: Hayden. We have FOUR children because of YOU, not because of Ilya's selfie.
@HaydenPike: I walked into that one.
@ScottHunter: Confidence level: illegal.
@KipGrady: I'm filing this under "Primary Sources of Narcissism”.
@IlyaRozanov: Thank you, old man and old man's boyfriend, yes.
@ScottHunter: I’m thirty-three.
@IlyaRozanov: Ancient.
@CliffMarlow: Boston Bears alumni would like everyone to know he spent ten years saying this exact thing in every reflective surface.
@SvetlanaV: He kissed his own reflection once when we were sixteen.
@IlyaRozanov: It was good-looking man, yes.
@CoachWiebe: Team meeting tomorrow.
@JordanYoung: Is the meeting about leadership?
@CoachWiebe: It's about whatever this is.
@LucaHaas: Captain seems focused.
@WyattHayes: Focused on himself. 😂
@ZaneBoodram: Elite self-love.
@PeteHolmberg: Film session: Slide one: curls. Slide two: ego.
@NickChouinard: We all lose.
@HarrisDrover: As social media manager, I would like to thank Ilya for creating engagement without consulting me.
@TroyBarrett: Harris has been screaming into a pillow for six minutes.
@RoseLandry: The confidence is almost impressive.
@IlyaRozanov: Almost?
@RoseLandry: Don't push it.
@YunaHollander: Very confident.
@DavidHollander: Nice picture, son.
@HaydenPike: David just adopted him publicly again.
@DavidHollander: I said what I said.
The post sails past a hundred thousand likes.
Then something unexpected happens.
@NatalieW: Still can't believe I hooked up with this menace once. #TooHotToBeHumble
@PuckPrincess: WAIT.
@BlueLineBeauty: WHAT?? 👀
@NatalieW: Years ago.
Excellent hair.
Zero indoor voice.
@IlyaRozanov: Hello Natalie. Hope you are good, yes.
@NatalieW: Living my best life.
Still laughing because you flexed before opening a pickle jar.
@IlyaRozanov: It worked.
@AmandaK: Oh my GOD.
I completely forgot about him. #TooHotToBeHumble
@FansExploding: ????
@AmandaK: Boston.
One very fun night.
He spent twenty minutes telling the bartender he was a "humble superstar”.
@CliffMarlow: THAT HAPPENED.
@AmandaK: He also tipped 100%.
@IlyaRozanov: Good manners are sexy, yes.
@MelissaR: Hooked up with him once.
He apologized because he accidentally called me "bro”. #TooHotToBeHumble
@SvetlanaV: That sounds accurate.
@MelissaR: Nice guy.
Hopeless flirt. Terrible liar.
@FansUnited: HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HERE???
@JennaL: Present. #TooHotToBeHumble
@EricaB: Hi. #TooHotToBeHumble
@ChelseaM: Well... this is awkward. #TooHotToBeHumble
@LaurenS: Is this the former hookups convention? 😄
@NatalieW: Apparently.
Should we compare stories?
@AmandaK: This is getting ridiculous.
@IlyaRozanov: ...maybe not, yes.
@ChelseaM: We only hooked up once, but he tried to impress me by speaking French.
@ChelseaM: He does not speak French.
@LucaHaas: HAHAHAHAHA.
@FelixLaPointe: As actual French speaker...
I apologize on behalf of the language.
@ChelseaM: I think he invented three verbs.
@IlyaRozanov: Romance language, not accuracy language.
@LaurenS: He disappeared the next morning...
...because he thought he'd miss his flight.
The flight wasn't until that evening.
@ScottHunter: This thread belongs in the Hall of Fame.
More names appear.
Apparently everyone knows Ilya Rozanov.
@EmilyD: Hooked up with him after a charity event years ago.
He spent half the night trying to convince strangers he was famous before anyone knew who he was. #TooHotToBeHumble
@CliffMarlow: Also true.
@EmilyD: They thought he worked at IKEA.
@IlyaRozanov: Honest mistake.
@SarahM: Remember when you challenged my dad to arm wrestle the morning after?
@IlyaRozanov: He accepted.
@SarahM: You lost.
@IlyaRozanov: He cheated by being enormous.
@PuckPrincess: This is the funniest thread on the internet.
@HarrisDrover: My notifications have become sentient.
@TroyBarrett: Harris is sweating.
@HarrisDrover: I AM.
At first, Ilya laughs.
Every memory is harmless.
Nobody says a bad word about him.
If anything, the women seem weirdly fond of him.
@NatalieW: For the record…
He always treated me respectfully.
We're ancient history.
Happy for wherever life took him.
@AmandaK: Same.
Good guy. Ridiculous ego.
@MelissaR: Same here.
@ChelseaM: Absolutely.
@LaurenS: No complaints.
The replies continue.
Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.
Someone starts counting.
@StatsNerd: Current Ex-Hookup Index: 21.
@JordanYoung: TWENTY-ONE?!
@ZaneBoodram: Rookie numbers according to Captain.
@WyattHayes: We need pie charts.
@ScottHunter: Someone contact the historians.
@KipGrady: As the resident history graduate student... I refuse.
For the first time all afternoon...
Ilya stops laughing.
He stares at the screen.
He thinks about Shane.
Shane who hates unnecessary attention.
Shane who reads comments because he likes seeing fans happy.
Shane who almost certainly has notifications exploding right now.
Ilya types. Deletes. Types again.
@IlyaRozanov: Okay everybody.
Very funny.
Maybe enough stories now, yes.
@NatalieW: Sorry!
Didn't mean anything by it.
@AmandaK: Just reminiscing.
@MelissaR: No disrespect intended.
@ChelseaM: Hope your partner isn't uncomfortable.
There it is.
The word.
Partner.
Ilya suddenly wishes he'd never posted anything.
@IlyaRozanov: Thank you.
Really.
But maybe change subject.
@ScottHunter: Aw.
Captain got shy.
@HaydenPike: That's new.
@CliffMarlow: Wait...
You actually care.
@IlyaRozanov: Of course I care.
@LucaHaas: OHHHHHH.
@WyattHayes: He remembered he has a husband.
@PeteHolmberg: Took him 400 comments.
@NickChouinard: Character growth.
@JordanYoung: Beautiful to witness.
@IlyaRozanov: Shut up all of you, yes.
Meanwhile...
One account finally joins.
@ShaneHollander: I leave my phone alone for one meeting.
@EntireInternet: SHANE!!
@HaydenPike: Oh no.
@ScottHunter: Here we go.
@RoseLandry: Timing.
@IlyaRozanov: Hi.
@ShaneHollander: Hi.
Silence.
Twenty thousand people are watching.
@IlyaRozanov: ...
@HaydenPike: HE'S TYPING.
@PuckPrincess: I'M INVESTED.
@IlyaRozanov: I can explain, yes.
@ShaneHollander: Explain what?
@IlyaRozanov: All... this.
@ShaneHollander: You posted a confident picture.
People think you're attractive.
None of this is exactly surprising.
@IlyaRozanov: You're not upset?
@ShaneHollander: Should I be?
@IlyaRozanov: Many women here.
@ShaneHollander: Yes.
They all seem nice.
@IlyaRozanov: ...
@ShaneHollander: Also...
they're all talking about the past.
I'm your present. #TooHotToBeHumble
The entire timeline collectively melts.
@BlueLineBeauty: OH MY GOD.
@PuckPrincess: HE WON. ❤️
@NatalieW: That's actually adorable.
@AmandaK: Green flag. 🏳️🟢
@MelissaR: Relationship goals.
@ChelseaM: We support this.
@LaurenS: He sounds secure.
@DavidHollander: Correct answer.
@YunaHollander: Very correct.
@ScottHunter: Somebody check on Roz.
@CliffMarlow: He's blushing. 😳 😳 😳
@LucaHaas: HE'S BLUSHING.
@WyattHayes: CAPTAIN DOWN.
@ZaneBoodram: Medical emergency.
@CoachWiebe: Tomorrow's meeting now includes emotional resilience.
@HarrisDrover: Engagement has reached numbers I cannot legally describe. 📈
@TroyBarrett: Harris is crying again.
Ilya disappears for nearly a minute.
Finally...
@IlyaRozanov: Okay.
I have announcement.
Everybody who met me...
Thank you. You are wonderful people.
But I already won Stanley Cup of relationships, yes. 🏆❤️
@ShaneHollander: That's...
possibly the worst metaphor you've ever used.
@IlyaRozanov: You still married me. 💍
@ShaneHollander: Unfortunately for my reputation.
@ScottHunter: "Unfortunately."
Sure, Shane.
@HaydenPike: We all saw the way you look at him.
@JackiePike: Hayden.
Don't start.
One final reply appears from a completely unexpected account.
@GingerAleCanada:
We'd just like to remind everyone that Shane still looks at ginger ale with more heart-eyes than he looks at Ilya. 🍻
@ShaneHollander: That's slander.
@IlyaRozanov: 😍😍😍