Chapter Text
Today was shaping up to be a really good day for Todd Anderson.
The sun shot through the windows along with the summer breeze that Todd had been longing for all winter. As cold as the breeze was, Todd was grateful for it. It was much better to be a little cold than to be sweating in his uniform, he’d concluded that morning.
It was almost as if there was a weight that had suddenly fallen off his shoulders that morning. As if all of that fear he’d had in his heart was gone completely. Todd didn’t want to think about why this was the case. When he was able to live in ignorant bliss, he kept it that way.
His parents had officially cut him off not too long before, meaning that he could do anything he wanted after college. A grin appeared on his face. Yeah. He could do anything he wanted, couldn’t he?
His grin grew wider as he stared up at the ceiling and began twiddling his thumbs. Anything. The words echoed through his head for what felt like hours. Anything. Anything is a lot. Todd laughed at the thought. He turned his head towards the window. The sun was still shining like a thousand stars. There was something about the sun Todd had noticed. The best days gave him sunlight. The worst days gave him clouds. It seemed no different today.
There was just something about sunlight that gave him peace.
That’s it, Todd concluded, sucking in a breath and exhaling slowly. His mind was just at peace. And maybe, that was the best thing about that day. The little glimmer of hope in Todd’s heart could remain untouched for now by the fear that had plagued his mind. The fear of being taken away from Neil. Of course, Neil wasn’t out of the woods yet. His father still shoved the idea of medical school down Neil’s throat. But with Todd’s luck, maybe that problem would be solved too.
Despite his mouth aching from smiling so wide, he could help but grin when thinking about Neil. He leaned his head back on the pillows of his bed from the mere shock. Todd still couldn’t fully comprehend it: Neil was his. His boyfriend. Or, as much as he could be. There was always the chance of somebody catching them. Neil had seemed to believe that that was a fate worse than death.
Todd brushed the thought aside. He took a deep breath. He promised himself that he wouldn’t do this. He repeated the words in his head. Relax. Relax. He took one final deep breath. He was sure that Neil was going to be back soon. He smiled. That would make the day even better.
Todd decided to stare at the door. Just stare at it. It was as if by staring at it, Neil would suddenly walk through it. Even if it took hours for Neil to actually walk through, Todd would keep staring at it. He wanted to see Neil as soon as he walked in. Why? Todd didn’t quite know. This time though, he didn’t even bother questioning it.
Todd felt as if he’d been struck by some form of confidence that day. Usually, he’d just lay there, feeling as if his skin didn’t feel right. As if what he felt for Neil wasn’t right. Even when Neil walked in on those days, the tension was still around. Todd couldn’t help but feel guilty when that happened. The boys had been dating for about two months by that point. That just made Todd more ashamed.
But good days were very good for Todd.
Todd sat in his bed, tapping his fingers on his notebook every few seconds in anticipation. He chuckled when he thought of sweeping Neil off of his feat when he entered the room. Neil had done that to him what felt like thousands of times. As much as it flustered Todd, he always adored it.
Todd regrettably took a second to grab his pen from the nightstand. Maybe I can write him a poem, he suggested to himself. He took one last glance at the door before opening up his notebook.
His words flooded the page. The process was slowed by him glancing at the door every few seconds.
Neil could walk in at any time, he’d reasoned.
As soon as he placed the last letter on the page, Todd went back to staring at the door. He had to admit, it was a little creepy. It would all be worth it though…
He couldn’t help but look at the page again.
It wasn’t his best work, he’d concluded. After all, you can’t necessarily write a very good poem when half your attention is at the door. Todd laughed to himself. Sure, it wasn’t the best, but it was about Neil. And maybe, that was enough for it to be great.
And suddenly, the doorknob began to turn.
Todd perked up. A new smile was forming on his face as he threw himself off the bed. By the time the door opened, Neil was already in his arms. The two of them could barely process what was actually going on.
“Hey, Neil,” Todd smiled as he planted a kiss on Neil’s cheek. Todd pulled back slightly to look at his lover’s face. “Hey, where have you-” He froze, staring at Neil’s red, tear streaked face. “Neil, I-” He continued staring at the frozen boy in front of him. A pit formed in his stomach as he attempted to pull Neil closer. He wouldn’t budge.
“Neil?” Todd asked again, trying not to cry himself. “Are you- what’s wrong?” Neil didn’t respond. He simply walked over to his bed and sat at the edge. Todd scurried after him and sat down. He reached for Neil’s hand. Neil silently pulled it away. Todd felt as if his stomach was about to explode.
Shit, shit, shit.
Neil wiped his tears with his sleeve. And for whatever reason, he didn’t dare look at Todd.
Todd was frozen with fear, half terrified, half ashamed of whatever it was he’d done to Neil. Part of him was begging to ask that one question. It’s presence still hung in the air despite the question never being asked. Todd’s whole mind was consumed by the question. He was terrified of the response. Terrified that he’d actually done something to Neil.
Neil had never been so blatantly upset before, especially not at Todd. He’d always gone to Todd with his problems. The sudden shift chilled him to his very core. Todd reached out for Neil’s hand once again, half expecting him to pull away once again. To his surprise, Neil let it happen. In fact, he closed his fingers around Todd’s in some silent surrender.
“Neil,” Todd pressed. “I’m sorry. Whatever I did, I’m sorry…” His voice trailed off as Neil looked up at him. His face was bright red and tear streaked. “Hey…” Todd bit his lip in frustration. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t good at this. Neil was the one who was good at comforting people. Todd? Well, he wasn’t quite sure himself…
“Todd,” Neil finally said after what felt like an eternity. Tears were running down Todd’s face now. Neil did his best to dry Todd’s eyes with his sleeve. “Don’t…” He stuttered. “-make this any harder than it is…”
“What?” Todd asked, pulling Neil closer. “Did I do something? Neil, whatever I did, I-”
“No!” Neil pushed himself off of Todd. Todd instantly froze, staring at the boy who looked as if he’d just kicked a puppy. Neil laid his head in his hands and whispered, “You- I just… I- Todd, I’m so sorry…”
Todd wasn’t entirely sure what to feel. There was just something off about the whole situation. It was as if this wasn’t Neil in front of him. Or, as if this was something Neil didn’t want to be doing. He’d been distant the weeks after coming back to Welton. The weeks after that frigid December night that they both tried to forget. Yet even then, Neil let Todd in his new found bubble. In fact, that was how they got into a relationship.
“Neil,” Todd begged. “Can you please tell me what this is about?”
Silence.
And then…
“Todd, we need to break up.”