Chapter Text
I’ve discovered cryptid Bucky’s calling in being the only sane man in the room. And adopting everyone else in the story. Given that the stories are largely Bats plus Roy, that limits the scope. But not the potential.
And if there is any protest that Bruce adopted them all first, Bucky will summarily adopt Bruce too.
Bucky: [adopts Bruce]
JLA: [are very confused at the news that Bruce himself has been adopted but it does take some time to get back around to the point.]
Bruce, defensive, because he has given in to the inevitable in the face of his children's rare united front that he just can't bring himself to fight: Clark has parents. I could have a parent.
Ollie: Bruce, your parents are not only dead, they are famously dead. And you are famously well-adjusted over it.
Hal: So how is this supposed to work? Isn’t being a lonely orphan at the heart of your entire collection of terrible life choices?
Barry: No. Wait. I’ve got it. Remember when he went completely off the rails?
Bruce: Oh, I’m sure you’d be well-adjusted immediately after seeing your son's brutally murdered corpse because you were too late to save him.
—awkward silence—
Barry, gamely: OFF THE RAILS. And adopted a new Robin to complete the family? And that kicked off the whole collecting orphans like Pokemon thing. It worked--so maybe he's doing the same thing with a father figure.
--more awkward silence--
Barry, to Ollie: You're not going to make a daddy issues joke here?
Hal, making futile stop and shut up! motions at Barry.
Ollie: Hal, would you like to explain to Barry just how many daddy issues I have?
Hal, shaking his head at Barry behind Ollie's back, stops immediately when Ollie turns around.
Ollie: I could see your reflection in the door, you know.
Hal: Fuck. He's got a lot of them. ...a lot a lot. Ollie is father of the year compared to his dad.
Ollie: Hey!
Barry, tiny voice: oh.
Hal: Well, it's true!
Jason: Hey, hi. Getting back to the original topic? Speaking as the former corpse of that brutally murdered son, adopting a new kid didn't exactly go as planned.
Bruce, dry: No. It didn't, did it?
Jason, muttering: He never had to get blown up.
Hal: Technically….
Ollie, to Jason: What are you even doing here? You’re not a League member.
Jason: Robin privilege.
Dick, also there, also not a member: Yeah. Robin privilege.
Ollie: That was only supposed to be a thing when you were an adorable four foot five and hiding in Bruce's cape.
Dick, suddenly grinning: You thought I was adorable?
Ollie: Oh, shut up. You know what you look like.
Dick, snickering: I'm gonna tell Roy I'm the favorite because I'm the cute one.
Ollie, so tired: Please don't.
Dick: I can still fit myself under the cape.
Bruce, so tired: Please don't.
Dick: Anyway, I dunno if you can keep milking the blown up thing, Jay. Who hasn’t been blown up a few times at this point?
Jason: Yes. Okay, I concede that being blown up is passé. But did you die.
Tim, over the Watchtower intercom: Come on. Get some new material already, Jason. [muttering] Swear to god he imprinted on that meme like a duckling.
Ollie, very tired: Are there Robins on watch duty?
Damian: Only because someone else decided that gossiping about my loving paternal grandfathers was more important than basic security.
Dick: Hey, you volunteered!
Damian: I accepted my fate, Grayson. That's different.
Hal, groaning: Please tell me the little gremlin isn’t up here too.
Damian: Of course I’m not. Someone needs to be left behind for security reasons. Earth, in case you were wondering, has not been destroyed, invaded, or consumed by multiversal forces beyond our comprehension.
Bruce: Thank you, Damian.
Damian: There has, on the other hand, been a break out at Arkham.
Bruce, covering his face, mumbling something into his palms that sounds very much like "fuck."
Jason: Goddammit, Bruce!
Dick, casually swinging back and forth in his chair at the conference table: Wow. Wednesday again, huh?
Jason: I said we should weld the doors shut!
Tim: I think that might actually be against the law.
Jason, gesturing to himself: I am a literal crime lord, Tim. Do I look like a give a f-
Diana, amused by all of this: Are we sure the Watchtower is particularly secure if we’ve been invaded by three Robins without noticing?
Ollie: Well… Robins. [studiously ignoring Bruce’s pleased look]
Bruce, clearing his throat: I've taken the liberty of inviting my parent to join us for our annual charity softball game.
Barry, leaning over to Hal: Since when do we play softball?
Hal, deciding everyone else has gone crazy: We don't. Or didn't until about a minute ago.
Barry: Could be worse. The other team has to catch me before they can tag me out.
Hal: ...You're allowed to play?
Barry, shrugs: I mean, it's happened. For one inning, but it has happened.
Hal: Right. I don't even care about the game, and we're going to lose.
Ollie: For the last time, I am not swinging at anything pitched by the Winter Soldier.
Bucky, has been there the entire time, just standing very still: You tellin’ me you’re chicken, Ollie?
Hal: The fuck are you doing here?
Bucky: Adult supervision.
Barry, looking at the two visible Robins, who seem pretty solidly grown up: They’re all adults. …aren’t they? They don't need adult supervision?
Batman, see-saws a hand.
Bucky: Ah, no. The Robins are fine. I’m proud of the little shits.
Barry: …then?
Bruce, wearing his best Bat stoicism, visibly resisting the urge to hide his face in his hands again.
Bucky, glancing at Batman and putting on Disappointed Dad Face: He knows what he did.
Robin(s), cackling.
Barry: What'd you do?
Clark, finally tuning in to be helpful: Nothing. Tim found out Bucky fought with Patrick Wayne in Europe, and now Grandpa Bucky is the first thing the kids have ever asked for from Bruce for Father’s Day.
Bruce: Grandpa Bucky-
Bucky, clears throat: I am not your grandpa.
Bruce, sighing: O.P. is trolling you.
Barry, whispering: Did he say opie?
Bruce, with a flat stare at Barry: O. P. Other Parent. And that Other Parent is a troll.
Ollie: Are you fucking kidding me right now.
Bruce: No.
Ollie: This is ridiculous!
Bruce: What isn't?
Ollie: We live in a goddamn sit-com.
Bruce: You don’t understand. They never just ask me for things.
Bucky: And it’s not like I’m busy or anything.
Hal: Honestly, this isn't a big deal. I’m still processing Batman not hatching from an egg or something.
Bruce: Still? We've known each other for ten years.
Hal: It's been a lot of processing. Anyway, my point is that it's not the weirdest thing he's ever done.
Ollie: You're gonna adopt half of Gotham to compensate. Aren't you?
Bucky: [coughs]
Ollie: Fine. Or be adopted by, you freak of nature. I'm still not playing softball against him.
Bruce, staring into the middle distance: I did, famously, have a relatively normal life. Once.
Bucky: You and me both, pal. ....wanna hit the road and go toss a baseball around in the back yard?
Bruce: Fuck it, why not.