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“VARIAN!” Hugo shouted.
Varian groaned and looked away from his closet to see Hugo standing in front of his door.
“What?” Varian asked.
“Have you seen my cap and gown?”
Varian's expression shifted from annoyance to confusion. “No? Shouldn’t it be in your closet?”
Hugo rubbed the back of his neck, glancing away toward the window.
Varian hung his hanger back up in his closet and walked toward Hugo. He stopped directly in front of Hugo and put his hands on his hips. Hugo hesitantly looked at him with a sheepish smile.
“Hugo.”
“Sweetcheeks.”
Varian sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Please don’t tell me you lost it.”
Hugo huffed. “Pfft, what? That would be very irresponsible of me. Do you have such little faith in your dear old roomie? Did our four years of living together mean nothing to you?” Hugo teased trying to redirect the conversation.
Varian gave him an unimpressed look. “Hugo.”
Hugo raised his hands in mock surrender. “No, I didn't ‘lose it’,” Hugo said, making finger quotes. “But…” he said, dragging out the word.
“But what?” Varian prompted with a raised eyebrow.
“Hypothetically speaking, if someone happened to lose it, would they still be able to walk the stage?”
Varian’s eyes widened before his expression shifted to anger. “Hugo! How could you have lost the one thing you needed to have!”
Hugo crossed his arms over his chest while raising his chin. “I didn’t say it was me who lost it. This was purely a hypothetical question.”
Varian sputtered at the deflection, flailing his arms in exasperation. “Who else would it be!”
Hugo gave a half-hearted shrug. “Yong,” he said casually.
“Yong doesn’t graduate for another two years,” Varian deadpanned.
“Well, someone doesn’t have a very big imagination,” Hugo said sarcastically.
“I swear I’m going to throttle you right now!” Varian shouted.
Hugo groaned and rubbed his hands down his face. “Relax Shortstuff, we still have a few hours to find it before we have to head down there. Plenty of time if I do say so myself.”
Varian shot him a glare. “We? Oh, no, no, no. This is your mess,” Varian poked his finger on Hugo's chest. “I have to get ready, you know.”
Hugo gave him a smug smile and grabbed his hands. Varian flushed at the touch and met Hugo’s gaze.
“What are you—”
“C’mon, Freckles, can you do this one thing,” Hugo said, taking a step closer and batting his eyelashes, “for me?”
Varian's mouth fell open. After a moment, he shook his head to clear his thoughts away. “Fine, whatever. You win. Just stop your whole pretty act you have going on and let’s look.”
Hugo grinned and slung an arm around Varian’s shoulders. He leaned down until he was close to Varian’s ear. “You think I’m pretty?”
Varian huffed and pushed Hugo off him. “Shut up and start looking.”
He rushed out of the room before Hugo could see the blush that was spreading across his face.
The next two hours were spent turning their dorm room upside down to find Hugo’s missing cap and gown. Hugo flopped on the couch and grabbed a pillow. He proceeded to scream for a good few seconds before mumbling nonsense into it.
Varian rolled his eyes, but a small smile appeared on his lips at the dork in front of him. His dork. Even if he doesn’t know how I feel. Varian pushed the thought aside, walked over, and sat on the edge of the sofa.
He patted Hugo softly on the back. Hugo lifted his face from the pillow and glanced at Varian.
“Hugo, c’mon, it has to be here somewhere, let's just keep looking,” Varian said, trying to stay positive.
“If it was here we would have found it by now. I give up. Just go without me,” Hugo mumbled as he sat back up.
Varian furrowed his brows for a moment. Then a smirk spread across his face.
“Since when did Hugo Rottewange give up?”
Hugo gave him a confused look. “What?”
Varian laughed and stood up, pulling Hugo off the couch. “Did you give up when we were convinced we’d fail our physics exam last month?”
“Uh no?” Hugo said.
“Exactly! We both stayed up for two days straight, cramming everything we could into our brains, and we ended up with the highest scores in the class.”
Hugo still had a perplexed look on his face. “Okay, but what does that have to do with—”
“And did you give up when you couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the project you spent weeks working on?”
Hugo's mouth quirked up when he realized where this conversation was going. “No.”
Varian laughed. “So if you could handle those things and plenty of others, then I’m sure we can handle finding a lost cap and gown.”
Hugo wore a confident grin and stood up straighter. “You know what Hairstripe, you’re right. Let’s do this!”
Varian gave him a soft smile and a knowing look. “Now, that’s the Hugo I know.”
They both gave each other a fist bump and started their search once more. After a few minutes, a knock came from the front door. Varian went over to open it and when he did, Nuru and Yong were there before him. Something in Yong’s hand caught Varian’s eye. The missing cap and gown. Relief washed over him, and he laughed out loud.
“Is that—” Varian started, but he was cut off.
“My gown!” Hugo said, running over.
He grabbed his cap and gown from Yong’s hand and held it up high with a smile on his face.
After a minute, Hugo gave Yong a quizzical look. “Wait, why did you have—”
“You left it over at my place when you crashed the other night,” Yong said simply.
“Oh my god, I owe you, Firecracker.”
All of them giggled together, but after a few moments Nuru's voice cut through the room.
“Alright now you two go change, you guys have to be there in twenty minutes so the administrators can get all the graduates lined up.”
The two boys nodded and rushed to their rooms to change into their graduation attire and fix their hair. They got ready rather quickly since they had everything ironed the night before.
All of them walked out of the dorm together and made their way to the ceremony. Nuru and Yong said their goodbyes as they went to take their seats in the crowd.
The graduates were all lined up and the ceremony started shortly after. Name after name was called and soon enough, they had their diploma in hand and were officially college graduates.
After taking what felt like a million pictures with family and friends as well as having a nice dinner with everyone, it was already eight at night. Varian and Hugo unlocked the door to their dorm and were ready to change and relax after their eventful day.
They both quickly changed into something comfortable and sat at opposite ends of the sofa. Hugo was channel-surfing trying to find something decent to watch while Varian was typing away on his laptop.
Unbeknownst to Hugo, Varian was looking at apartments in the city for the two of them. He was hoping that if Hugo agreed to live with him, then Varian could finally have an opportunity to share his feelings with him.
After scrolling through some listings, Varian stumbled across an apartment that stood out among the rest. It had everything he and Hugo needed, and the space was amazing. They’d both be able to work on their side projects there, and it was within their budget. It was perfect!
Varian smiled as he glanced over at Hugo. The light from the TV was shining on Hugo’s face, making him glow. Varian blushed deeply at the sight before him. Hugo was his best friend for the four years they had roomed together.
Somewhere along the way, those feelings became something deeper. It was like Hugo was a small light in the darkness. The hope he needed in a world of despair. Hugo was everything to him. I love Hugo, Varian realized.
He needed to make sure everything went well when he confessed his feelings. Varian had tried to tell Hugo how he felt before, but something always got in the way or it just wasn’t the right time.
But now, in the comfortable silence of their dorm, he knew there wouldn’t be a more perfect time. So Varian would tell him about the apartment, and if Hugo agreed, he would tell him about his feelings. He knew Hugo would say yes; they’d always talked about living together after graduating, and now it would become a reality.
Once the blush on his face settled, he looked over at Hugo with a soft smile.
“Hey, Hugo?”
“What’s up, Sweetcheeks?” Hugo said, turning to Varian with an amused smile.
“You know how we talked about getting an apartment together?”
Hugo didn't respond right away. His expression shifted, something unreadable flickering across his face, but Varian couldn’t tell what it was.
“Yeah…” Hugo said cautiously.
“I was looking online and I think I found the perfect place for us!”
Hugo let out a shaky breath. His hand hovered near Varian’s laptop, but didn’t touch it at first.
“Varian—”
“Look, let me show you some pictures.”
Varian scooted across the couch until he was shoulder to shoulder with Hugo.
“The apartment has literally everything we could want. Oh! Here I wanted to show you this neat—”
“Varian!” Hugo shouted.
Varian looked away from the screen and at Hugo with wide eyes. Hugo's eyes were wide and his jaw was strained. He was fidgeting with his sleeve and he looked anxious. Varian’s brows furrowed as he watched Hugo. Hugo let out a shaky exhale and closed Varian’s laptop.
“Are you…okay?” Varian asked softly.
Hugo looked away from him as his fists clenched. “There’s um…something I need to tell you.”
Varian placed his hand on Hugo’s knee when he noticed his leg bouncing up and down. Hugo looked down at the hand and back up at Varian with an expression that was filled with dread.
“Okay.”
“I can’t move in with you,” Hugo whispered.
Varian felt himself stiffen. He scooted away from Hugo to give them some space. He looked down at the floor. “Did I…did I do something wrong?” Varian asked softly.
Hugo's eyes widened, and he grabbed Varian’s hands gently. Varian looked up as Hugo shook his head frantically.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong, I just—” Hugo closed his eyes as he took a breath.
“I’m moving across the country in two days.”
The world instantly went silent at those eight words. Varian felt his heart shatter right then and there. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. With the thoughts racing in Varian’s head, Hugo continued.
“I got an internship for the company I’ve wanted to work at since I was a kid. They offered it to me a little while ago and I accepted. I didn’t…I didn’t know how to tell you,” Hugo admitted.
Varian stayed silent because he knew if he spoke, he would break down immediately. The corners of Hugo’s mouth turned downward and his eyes looked heavy.
“Varian…please say something. Anything,” Hugo pleaded.
This was really happening. Hugo was really leaving. He was leaving to pursue his future—a future without Varian. Tell him. Varian thought. Tell him before it’s too late.
Varian’s eyes met Hugo’s and he let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.
“Hugo, I…”
Say it. Tell him you love him.
“…I’m happy for you,” Varian said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Coward.
Hugo's eyes softened and a weak smile appeared on his face.
“Really?”
Varian squeezed Hugo’s hands. “This is your dream. You need to follow it.”
Hugo’s smile widened and he pulled Varian into a hug. Varian’s shoulders slumped and he felt weak, but he returned the hug.
“Thank you. I don’t know what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t met you,” Hugo said.
Varian’s eyes dimmed as he squeezed Hugo tighter. “I wouldn’t know either,” he admitted.
Their hug broke soon after and Hugo said goodnight while making his way to his room. Varian watched as the door shut softly and he was left alone in their living room. The silence was deafening. All Varian could hear was the pounding in his chest.
Soon the day arrived for Hugo to leave. Varian offered to take him to the airport. They checked Hugo in and got things settled. Just as Hugo was about to walk through the gate, Varian grabbed his wrist. Hugo turned around with a confused look.
“Hugo, I…”
This is your last chance. Tell him. Say something. Say it!
“I’m going to miss you,” Varian whispered.
Hugo smiled. He took Varian’s hands and squeezed them. “I’m going to miss you too. More than you know.”
They both gave each other one last hug before Hugo had to head to the plane to board. Varian watched as Hugo rounded a corner and disappeared from view. His heart felt like it was being ripped out of his body. That was it. He’s gone.
The failure to admit his feelings led him to lose the person he cared about most in his life. Years passed, the two separated by thousands of miles. They managed to stay in touch for a while, but over time the calls became fewer and farther apart.
Before he knew it, they both found themselves in relationships with other individuals. They were happy, but they weren’t nearly as happy as they could have been. If one of them had decided to admit their feelings for the other, things could have been different. But now, they both had to live a life without the other.
For Varian, it was a life without Hugo. And for Hugo, it was a life without Varian. Two halves of the same coin that would never be together.