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Hazel was unfeeling, numb, exhausted.
Not the sort that came naturally from relentless work.
Not even her sleepless nights could compare.
It was the kind that settled deep within her very soul, aching all around regardless of how little she had done.
Was it strange to admit that she felt guilty for feeling tired?
She sat motionless beside the kitchen window, her mind a millions miles away, far from the present, a long distance from the kind of mother she usually strived to be.
A cup of coffee was held in her hands, already gone cold a while back, left unfinished by apathy.
It was going to be one of those days.
She sighed.
Hazel was not proud of how badly she let this... habit run loose in her day-to-day life. Believe me, I am. She had thought that with the light of her life coming back—holding her sunshine in her arms so tight she was afraid she had bruised them—that it would all return back to form.
That she wouldn't fall back into the sluggish monotony that had paralyzed her for so long since... that happened.
Maybe... some coffee would help?
She raised the cup close to her face, she only needs to tilt it toward her lips and...
....
No... maybe later. Hazel set it back down, she wasn't feeling up to it today—besides that, it was already past the point of being worth anything to her for that morning in particular.
That sort of carelessness for her favorite beverage was unbecoming for her several months prior, who was she to deny it?
Who was she at all...?
...
Not yet, please.
She let her hand ungrasp from the small ceramic, patting it gently on top of her other hand still resting on her leg.
It was just... bland... yes, that's all, it just needed a little more sugar.
Hazel did not move a limb to remedy the issue, they all felt heavy today.
Ah well.
Wait... Niko!
She hurriedly turned to look for the aforementioned, her panic starts to dissolve away into a serene calm once she found them right where she last saw them—still drawing away without a care in the World.
Despite herself, she let a small smile grace her worn down face.
For even just a moment, she was sure she did one thing right today.
Good enough.
...
She still shouldn't have talked to Niko in that way.
Her small smile was but a brief respite. She's well aware that certain moods can cause certain tones to be let loose, but that is no excuse.
No excuse at all.
Mama...?
Niko looked especially small when they first woke up, far smaller than usual with that sleepy look upon them.
She should have just said good morning.
Mama... are you there?
She should have not said anything at all if nothing else.
Mama... I'm h-hungry... can yo—
Sunshine I only nee—!
...
They had looked... scared, like their going through another one of their bad dreams—oh how she wished it was.
M-Mama, are you okay...?
Just give me a moment... only a moment, she had told them—a while ago.
Perhaps a little too coldly.
As far as she can remember, a moment doesn't typically mean a few hours, staring into nothing. No good... this is no good at all.
She had told herself once that she would take the first steps to improve.
Nobody had told her how hard that would be.
I was lucky Alice, White, and that little girl Niko met even cared enough to check on me.
Where would I be without them?
Her eyes turned downward, finding the soft carpet covering the floorboards to be quite interesting all of the sudden. She remembered how difficult it was to wake up all on her own—like the bed weighed her down till she could not move an inch.
Contrary to her thoughts, Hazel had done her best to keep going regardless of... the abrupt difference in her life. It was just... difficult.
She's struggling now, but it was not for lack of trying.
Just a week ago, she had cooked all three meals of the day with little hurdle.
It was good enough.
She was beginning to smile just as freely as she used to nowadays.
That was also good enough.
She got out of bed this morning despite the struggle.
That was... good, right?
...
I should be cooking breakfast by now, poor Niko must be starving by now. She turned to look back up at them, their exhaustion may drag them down, but Hazel is not about to forget that her sunshine was—
—staring back at her, their eyes glowing a bright yellow against the dark, they looked worried for her.
For her.
She put up her best smile and gave a reassuring nod, turning away from their gaze to face the window—it was as though they looked right through it all.
Seeing her for what she was underneath.
There was no disgust for it, no clear indicator that they didn't like this distortion of her, she wasn't sure if she liked the lack of judgement.
It just made her feel lesser in a way.
Like she was useless.
...
Don't think like that.
It's just one of those days again.
I've had many of them, even till today.
She waited with bated breath, keeping still to risk too much attention from Niko—the least they need to worry about is their mother's wellbeing at their age—the silence that came after felt suffocating.
She could hear the faint sound of crayon against paper and a simple hum of a tune. Niko was no longer facing her way.
With great effort, she firmly held a hand against the wall for support, and stood up for what felt like the first time in days.
Once on her feet, she felt... wobbly, disoriented.
Still tired.
...
Maybe she should... sit down for a few more minutes, let herself unwind.
Maybe only then would she feel the strength to stand up again.
A stomach growl is all it took to alert her.
With immense shock, she quickly moved toward where Niko was lying down chest first on the floor, all in a rapid haste.
Before she knew it, she stood before them, panting too fast to be normal.
“Mama?” Oh, that was her queue to speak, “h-hello dear, I... apologize if I took too long today!”
An understatement.
“Oh, no, no, it's fine Mama! I know you need to rest too, you always did work so hard...” not enough, not near enough. Regardless of her own faults, Niko still got on their feet, smiling as they looked up to her. “I'm not that hungry!”
“...”
“...Mama?”
“You're not hungry...?”
“Mhm!”
“So was it not you that I heard that stomach growl from then?” She was sure she heard it, she wasn't that old.
Niko shook their head confidently from side to side.
“Yep! I just need to finish my dra—” a certain stomach had just growled, louder than before, one belonging to a supposedly not-hungry child.
“...oops.”
It was an abrupt sound that put a particularly lengthy pause to the silence, both respective individuals stood by with varying levels of confusion and embarrassment. And then, despite herself, Hazel began to smile, morphing into a hearty laugh devoid of the deep sorrow that stuck with her since waking for the day.
Niko did not find it as amusing, hiding their face behind both large sleeves, a bright red tint on both facets of their cheeks was very present. “Mamaaaa...” they whined out. Gosh how adorable they sounded right now.
She forced herself to breathe, holding back yet another amused chuckle, “alright... alright, just—g-gosh Niko...” she wiped away the tears building up in her eyes. She could feel herself smiling wide. It was the most whimsical she's felt since... well, yesterday.
“Hmph!” A stubborn pout persisted on Niko's features, their lips pressed together while the lower lip was protruded, a firm display of a child with little patience for such silly humor.
“Oh Niko! No need to be so mad... admit it, it was just a little bit funny!” They rejected the notion with a muffled rejection, barely hiding the small smirk, “well, I suppose I should get cooking then.”
That immediately got them to forget about the whole thing, excitedly skipping their way to the kitchen table. When they sat down, they rested their head on the sturdy structure, playfully swaying their legs underneath. How long did she leave them for...?
Shaking the thought aside for later, she prepared the stove, placing a frying pan on top of the open flame. Can't forget the olive oil.
While the oil starts to sizzle, she turned away to grab an egg from the tray—not the smaller ones the cheaper places sell, she always hated those.
“This shouldn't take too long, dear, so don't you worry too mu—"
The egg slipped out of her grasp, falling to the floor and shattering.
“Fuck.” She slapped a hand on her mouth, but it was already a second too late.
She turned back to the table, praying to whatever deity could answer her that her child did not hear such a foul word—her prayers were left unheard.
“Mama...” Niko's sleeves covered the lower half of their face, their eyes wide open, pupils shrunken till they were just mere lines.
They stood up from the chair slowly, already prepared to sentence her to a most grievous fate. “Niko... wai—”
They run away from the kitchen with two little cat feet.
The hat-bearing child subsequently returned with a jar in both hands, its small metal contents rattling with every bounce to their step, it was like watching their life flash before their eyes—she just could not look away.
Niko stood closely in front of them, giving an honestly hilarious attempt at a glare, who knew they could be as expressive as this? They twisted the lid open, presenting it to her. On its side, a piece of paper labelled with black marker—SWEAR JAR.
“You know the rules, Mama.”
“...that I do, Sunshine... that I do...”
She went through her pockets, searching for what must be the last of her savings.
Hazel was back in her seat, staring out the window, counting the birds that flew by high above the clouds. A nice and easy distraction from the less happy thoughts.
A few minutes of cooking, a freshly cooked plate of eggs, ham later, and now Niko is resting on the floor, content to sit on top of the carpet—completely neglecting the large couch just behind them.
They always did love that spot.
Called it their favorite place to sit on once.
She suppose she could relate to being particular about where one would typically stay in for comfort, she herself finds being near a wide window with an open curtain to be a great source of comfort.
In fact, one of her favorite pastimes was to look up outside, count the birds as they—oh, there are no more flocks of birds.
That's fine, she can just look at the clouds instead.
Besides the ticking of the clock close by, she could hear the content snores of a not-a-cat child—if she strains her ears that is—it left her greatly endeared.
Though, normally, she would be carrying them to a more proper place of rest. Right now however, they looked far too comfortable, even if it was just a carpeted floor. As they slept, they firmly held a couch cushion with both small arms, hugging it as tight as they could.
Aww.
It took everything in her power to avoid grabbing the camera and take a picture of them while she still could. Maybe someday.
...since their asleep, I could actually take a rest myself.
Hope they won't mind much.
She heard something.
Small quiet tapping all across the floor, some of the boards shifting slightly enough to make a subtle creaking noise.
It got gradually louder the closer they were to her.
Even as they stood beside them, their breath landing on her arm, she did not open her eyes, not yet. Niko needs something, don’t they?
As she quietly mused what could it possibly be, she felt something small touch her hand gently... their hand—it's often easy to forget how small it is... when was the last time she held it?
M-Mama... Niko whispered out, silently nudging her. She gently lifts up her eyelids, allowing a small gap between them, Niko looked bashful.
“Sorry.”
She waved off the apology, “it's fine dear... now, what is it you need, sunshine?” She noticed Niko smile briefly upon hearing the familiar nickname, they always loved being called that.
With hints of nervous energy, they moved their arms away from their back, showing the crayon drawing they were working on a moment ago.
“H-Here, Mama, it's for you!”
On the piece of paper was two figures, one smaller than the other—Niko and I—she was depicted in the middle of cooking their favorite batch of pancakes. Niko themselves was in the side, cleaning up what appeared to be a mess near a bag of groceries. That was spilled pancake batter, she noted to herself.
I remember all of this.
How long was this again... a month now?
I wasn't sure.
Feels like yesterday.
There was a certain attention to detail that Niko had for the background, their shared home, from the large table all the way to the tiniest hints of wear and tear across old furniture—it had it all.
It looked perfect in its own unique way.
Just as Niko is.
“Mama? You're... crying.” Was I? To her surprise, she did find tears, small pinpricks of them as she rubbed a hand against her eye. When did I get so emotional? “Oh, it's nothing dear, it's just...” I should change the topic, “this is wonderful work, Niko. I love what you did with the colors!”
Niko was positively beaming now, already moments away from forgetting to ask a second time—they always did love the praise.
“Thanks, Mama!”
“So...” she was hoping this would be alright to ask, that this wouldn't ruin some sort of surprise, “why exactly did you make the drawing, sunshine?”
They looked down, pressing a hand against their chin, giving it a lot of thought, an old habit she passed down unto them.
“You looked happy on that day.” And that was all it took.
“Happy...”
“Mhm!”
“...”
“I'm sorry, Niko.” She expected some sort of understanding, a hint she could latch unto, to confirm her worst fears. Instead, they just looked at her in pure confusion. Did they not notice?
“What for?”
The question struck her harder than any accusation ever could. Hazel stared at them, confused, truly confused—her persistent weariness would be much easier to deal with than this.
For a brief moment, she wondered if Niko had—somehow—missed it all; the mornings wasted staring into nothing at all, means she more often than not forget to make, the way she lurches through the day like a puppet on a series of strings—like she's barely living her own life.
They must have noticed...
They had to.
“I've been...” The words caught in her throat, unwilling to leave just yet, she forced it all out in words they could understand. “I've not been doing very well lately, sunshine.”
Niko tilted their head, a glint of understanding on their wide, curious eyes. “You mean because you're tired?”
Because you're tired.
Not broken... just tired.
Hazel could only turn away. The distinction made something inside her chest ache.
It was just so simple, so easy to say, so... very much like them.
She expected advice, some clever words only Niko could come up with. Perhaps a promise—they always loved to fulfil promises—honeyed words to keep her spirits up. Maybe, they would tell her to keep hoping for something better. Whatever that meant.
Instead, they moved closer to her, letting the stillness of it all drag on until in that silent haze, the only sound that could be heard was the ticking of the clock.
Even in the dim lighting from the window barely illuminating them, they were clearly still trying their hardest not to rush up to her.
“You were always... resting, Mama... I don't really understand why, but...” they paused for a while, trying to grasp unto the words that needed to be said. “I think that you shouldn't be too mad at yourself for it. It's okay to take naps!”
Their conviction was clear, they truly did believe that there was no wrong doing to be found.
All restraint in her just broke.
“I'm sorry, Niko... I love you, and I'm sorry...” she looked into the eyes of her only child, always glowing like the brightest stars in the night sky, “I'm so tired, Niko... so very tired... and I don't even know why.”
Why? Such a simple question, one that should already have a clear concrete answer.
Niko's face saddened, their ears falling subtly to the sides. The feeling was barely even shown, perhaps even buried for her sake, but she noticed it immediately—she always noticed it.
She wanted to apologize and sincerely mean it.
She wanted to stand up, stop being dead weight, and do what she always did every day.
She wanted to keep cooking until there was no point to it.
She wanted to be the responsible one, even as her body fails her.
She wanted to give them the moon, the stars, and everything they've ever wanted.
...
And yet, she just can't seem to find the strength to do... any of those things.
It hurt her so bad that she could just fall apart and weep, but she doesn't, there is no time to cry, not when Niko was sitting on her lap—looking at her like she means everything to them.
Oh sunshine... you've always been far too kind for your own good.
She opens her mouth to speak. She was interrupted with a swift hug from the bright-eyed child.
She wrapped her own arms around them, snug and warm in the way they liked it.
“Sunshine?”
“I love you, Mama... I love you a lot.”
As if to emphasize their words, they shakily patted a small arm on their side, still too short to reach her back properly.
Exactly three times.
I. Love. You.
“Oh... Niko...” both mother and child sat closely together, one with a deep sorrow that's paralyzing in its nature, and another with the weight of another World carried on their back.
With renewed determination, she spoke that last few words she's been meaning to give all day.
“I love you too, Niko.”