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The dam did not break suddenly. It went achingly slow, a crack followed by another and another until suddenly she was telling Ribbit about her mother, which was the last thing she wanted anyone to know and then - and then it stopped. The truth trickled out, her energy with it, and then it was just silence. Silence for one terrible heatstroke of a moment, waiting for Ribbit to laugh like everybody else.
Why weren't they laughing?
Instead they just looked at her, calmly, serenely, as if she hadn't just spilled her guts all over the floor. Jax had never wanted more badly to know what Ribbit looked like behind the headset, to picture large brown or green or blue eyes looking at her from a human face with a human smile… But when Ribbit smiled it did look human, even though the face was still that of a cartoon. It was just so… Sincere. How did she do that?
Jax watched with bated breath as Ribbit's slender green fingers tugged her pink bow tie off her avatar - since when could she do that? - and bring it closer to Jax. Then, suddenly, the bow was on Jax's ear, perfectly placed as if in her hair, and for the first time in a long time - maybe in forever - she wished there was a mirror nearby. For the first time she wanted to actually see herself.
"Your secret is safe with me," Ribbit murmured and the words were an offering, a healing balm, a ray of sunshine in a dark dark world.
Jax felt heat rise to her face in an unwelcome array of fuschia. She must look ridiculous. But she didn't feel ridiculous. For a single moment she felt beautiful. Cared for. Maybe even loved.
Then the panic set in.
"Wh-why are you being so nice to me?" she scoffed, insecurity covered in a heap of steaming suspicion.
Ribbit laughed, just slightly, just enough to make Jax's stomach drop. It didn't sound like a mean laugh, but, weren't they all?
"Because you're my friend?" she responded and she hated the question mark at the end. So patronizing. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world. As if Jax were stupid for not knowing it already. She hated when people thought she was stupid.
"But that isn't-" she gasped, clenching her teeth to stop the hope from rising in her chest that maybe, just maybe, they actually meant it. "You weren't supposed to- I didn't mean for you to find out…"
She cursed in her mind at that last admittance, a confirmation of what Ribbit had so quickly guessed her secret to be. At least Caine couldn't censor the world while it was still trapped safely in her head… Could he?
Ribbit's face softened, it that was even possible. They were already all soft edges, round and plushy. Literally friend shaped. It was probably another cruel trick of Caine's, surrounding Jax with primary colored archetypes to get her to open up in some weird therapy trip. For all she knew Ribbit was just another god&$@! NPC sent here to embarass her by revealing what she swore she never would again.
"I'm sorry," Ribbit said, gently, so irritatingly gently. "I thought you might want to know that it's alright with me."
Something about those words broke the dam again. Instantly this time. All those doubts, those horrible thoughts just… Erupted into nothingness. For that heartsick strangled moment, Jax didn't care anymore. She didn't care if Ribbit was an NPC, if this was all a trick. The thought of someone, anyone, being alright with her the way that she was, this mess of confused limbs and contraversial feelings, was so intoxicating, so disgustintly irrisistable that…
She stopped resisting.
Jax grabbed hold of Ribbit's shoulders, roughly, digging her yellow-gloved fingers in like the world would fall apart if she didn't, and then she jammed her face up against theirs, stern and jumbled and strange.
She hadn't realized just how long she had been wanting to do that until Ribbit's gasp of shock turned into an open mouth against hers, another offering, another healing balm, a ray of sun so bright it might burn her all the way down to her feet.
Despite everything - their faces virtually devoid of lips, their bodies floating aimlessly in this virtual hellscape without so much as their real names to tether them to reality - the kiss felt real. And it felt good. Jax wasn't sure which scared her more.
In any case, the fear returned.
She pulled away, eyes searching Ribbit's face, and there was a blush there entirely seperate from the permanent one always transfixed to her cheeks. Her eyes seemed wider somehow, and she looked, not quite happy, but… Whistful maybe?
It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any god&$@! sense. She couldn't explain it, maybe there wasn't any logical explanation, but for some reason she felt that she would have much rather Ribbit pushed her away and wiped her mouth with disgust. Something about the pleasant look on her face was so much more frightening. Because what did she do with that? What could she possibly do?
She shook her head, tearing her gaze from Ribbit's and laughing bitterly. The longer the laugh lasted the more unhinged it became, until she was pulling at her cheeks like she could peel her skin right off.
"Oh god," she laughed, then, darkly, "I'm such an idiot."
There was a beat as Ribbit processed this shift. But her voice was still kind when she asked: "What are you talking about?" As if she didn't know.
Jax saw their hand raise in her periphery vision, coming towards her shoulder. "Is everything okay?" She jolted away just in time, mere seconds before Ribbit's green fingers could find her bare skin. Naked. She was practically naked in these &%@!ing overalls, her exposed chest shining out her constant shame - that there was nothing there to cover up.
She tood from the bed, stumbling away and yanking the bow from off her ear. She scowled down at it as her vision began to blur. It was this circus. This &%@!ing circus. It just couldn't help but torment her, huh? And she'd let it for a second. She'd let the temptation take over and given in to her sickest desires -
God, why couldn't she just be normal? Why couldn't she just be a man? Maybe if she roughed up Ribbit the way her dad had roughed up her mom she would feel better. Less vulnerable. But she didn't want to. She wanted to be soft and plaint and let Ribbit shape her into a beautiful docile thing.
She could hear her mom laughing in her head. She could hear crying, could feel her hands pushing. She was a killer probably and nothing here could change that, no cliche pink bow or hokey animal companion. Because this wasn't real life. Ribbit's reaction had proved it. There was no one in the world who would react that way to Jax kissing them.
"Of course this isn't real," she bit out, scorn returning tenfold to her voice, an impenetrable fortress against the happiness that had threatened to bloom inside her. Happiness she didn't deserve. "There's no way you would like a freak like me."
"Jax…" Ribbit started and she hated how much she liked the name. She couldn't remember her old one but she knew it was more masculine, less… permissive. "I get it," Ribbit continued, as if she possibly could. "When I came out to my parents, they didn't understand either."
Jax's body tensed, then loosened, conflicted. She was still on about this? Jax thought surely she would have talked about the circus, tried to convince her it wasn't a lie, that it was actually happening, just like everybody else did when she got like this, but instead she just kept saying things about Jax that made it seem like she really cared and what did that mean and why was it still happening and -
"It was rough sometimes and it drove us apart. But your mother's reaction doesn't make your identity any less valid."
Tears began to well up in her eyes. When was the last time she had even let herself think the word identity, let alone hear it spoken to her? This thing that she was didn't feel so simple or understandable as that. It felt like chaos, like a monster trying to hollow her out, like rage in her body and fear in her heart and repugnance in her soul. To be a woman was to be… It was to be free of it, and yet, haunted by it at the same time. It was to admit that she didn't deserve to feel trapped in her body every day. It was to admit that her mother had failed her, that she had deserved better, that she still did, and Jax just… Couldn't believe that. She didn't know how.
"And hey," Ribbit continued, seemingly unaware how every word shattered Jax's resolve into even more tiny pieces. "You can keep this if you want." She grabbed hold of the bow, pushing it closer to Jax. "It looks nice on you."
The tears burbled up stronger now. Why, why, why were they still being nice to her? Shouldn't they have vanished by now into some string of confetti, Caine's awful little gig finally up now that they'd broken her down enough to confess? Instead every word she said felt like honey, like butterflies in her stomach, like cool rain down her neck. She didn't know how to handle that, didn't know how to take a good thing without holding it up to the light to make sure it wasn't see-through or shredding it for fear that it would be.
And yet… Ribbit had given her a solution. Something so simple. So right. Keep this. Keep the bow, keep the happiness it gave her, the smallest glimmer of hope, and… Go from there?
It sounded hard. Impossible even. To acknowledge this one flicker of good would also mean acknowledging the ocean of bad that had led to it. It was all so overwhelming. Who knew being yourself took so much &%@!ing bravery? It was supposed to be a message for children books, written in crayon on corny school posters, but here she was, a grown adult and she just… couldn't.
It had been easier before her father left. Sure, he was a piece of &%@! but at least he was there. When he left, Jax had become the new man of the house, forcibly put at odds with her mother just for having something that had never felt like it belonged to her in the first place. She'd known something was wrong when she saw the neigbor's in their dresses on Easter Sunday and felt so jealous she wanted to rip them off and tear them with her teeth like a wild animal. All those ribbons and bows, soft pinks and bunny rabbits. So close, so beautiful, and meanwhile, her in a small white dress shirt and pants, wearing her dads old belt, the same one she'd been beat with years before, her mom trailing next to her in a purple dress, looking like everything Jax could be if she just… If she just…
The tears overflowed. Jax backed away from Ribbit, swiping fast at her eyes, but she wasn't quick enough. She couldn't be. There was just so much, so, so much, and it all came pouring out of her until she was in a heap on the ground, arms wrapped around her knees, snuffling and gasping like a baby.
Ribbit watched quietly, awkwardly, not looming, just… Patient. Then, ever so slowly, they knelt down next to her, facing her tear-streaked cheeks head-on.
"Do you… Want me to leave you alone or…?" she asked, and though it wasn't eloquently spoken, it was appreciated, because it was an option, a choice. Jax had never been given enough choices. Maybe that's why she'd gotten so used to always picking the wrong one.
But she didn't want to pick the wrong one this time. She pulled her sticky face up from her knees, staring at Ribbit with big eyes, hoping that was enough to convey the words she didn't know how to say: Stay. Don't go.
Ribbit must have got the message because they turned around so their back was also facing the wall, pulling their knees up so they sat in the same position as Jax right next to her. As if what she was - whatever it was - wasn't that bad of a thing to be.
Slowly, Jax's breathing grew steadier. Ribbit didn't touch her. Just stayed.
Suddenly, Jax could feel the cold of the wall up against her back, the floor below her feet, her heart pounding away in her chest. The world became three dimensional again and her limbs were no longer numb. She hadn't realized how much of her body had given way to the panic. But she was here again now.
And she was a wreck.
"I must look so stupid right now," she murmured, but she didn't have the energy to put ire into it.
She could feel Ribbit's eyes on her, bright and kind as she said, earnestly, "I think you look cute."
"Wh-Shut up!" Jax started, blush rising rapidly to her cheeks. She tried to hide her face but knew that Ribbit had already seen. Still, it felt nice, that little jolt of shyness after such a wave of despair.
"I like it when you blush," Ribbit added devilishly, reinforcing the heat, and this time Jax let herself relish just a bit in the heat of it.
She felt more than saw the smile spread across Ribbit's face right before she leaned in, pressing her lips to Jax's cheek. Somehow it felt even more like a real kiss than their mouths meeting had. Jax's blush must have reached all the way down to her feet now. She was too tired to fight it. Too tired even to fight the fact that she didn't want to.
Instead, she let herself slip towards Ribbit, until her cheek rested against their shoulder. Then, with all the gentle carefulness Ribbit had extended her, she wrapped her arms silently around their side, gripping them carefully, the exact opposite of the way she'd grabbed them before. She pushed her cheek further against their shoulder, almost nuzzling, her blush spreading against Ribbit's skin until she was certain it would turn the green frog pink and lavendar.
"Thank you," she murmured and it might have been the hardest thing she'd ever had to say.
"For what?" Ribbit asked, baffling Jax further. Could she really not know?
She grunted, already exhausted from her bare minimum of gratitude. The more vulnerable she got the more she worried she'd drown in it. But she tried again, for Ribbit's sake, hoping she wouldn't regret it.
"For being my friend," she mumbled, the words half obscured by Ribbit's shoulder.
Ribbit laughed and Jax's heart plumetted again, a knee-jerk reaction to that awful, awful noise. She'd always been thankful that Kaufmo's jokes weren't actually funny.
"I don't know that I'd call us friends," she continued, and Jax's anxiety spiked further, but then they nudged her slightly with their elbow, teasing, "I mean I don't usually kiss my friends."
"Oh," she breathed out, embarassed at her own relief. And then just plain embarassed.
Her attraction to Ribbit was a bit confusing to her, not just because she was a giant anthropomorphic frog, but because she had been taught that boys should like girls, and vice versa. She'd assumed if any girl ever did want her they would want her as a man. But Ribbit didn't treat her like one at all. Not that Ribbit was even really a girl themself. They were something different, something more. The two of them together… Jax didn't know what to make of it. It was something new, something she'd been taught to frown at. But it didn't really make her want to frown. Not at all.
It occured to her then that she hadn't asked how Ribbit felt first. About any of it. She'd just kissed her like it was the only thing left to do.
"S-sorry about that," she mumbled, removing her head from Ribbit's shoulder and scooting the tiniest bit away. To give her space. But Ribbit just scooted in closer, demolishing the distance immediately.
"Why are you apologizing?" she asked and she didn't sound patronizing at all, just genuinely baffled. "I kissed you back because I like you."
Jax looked up at that and it was the first time she'd really taken the time to look at Ribbit's face since before the crying, the panic, the meltdown. She looked even lovelier now, as if the tears had washed the doubt from out Jax's eyes.
"Ribbit," she said and Ribbit nodded so attentively that Jax chose to be honest again. She hoped she didn't regret it. "I'm really scared."
She thought Ribbit would ask why or assume it was about the circus or about their kiss or anything else really, but once again Ribbit read her like a book. Had she always been so easy to understand or was Ribbit just really good at this?
"Hey," she said, putting her green hand over Jax's. "It's okay. It took me years to understand my gender."
Years. Jax's mouth quaked.
"Back in the world before… all this… I…" She swallowed, biting back tears. How were there still more? Hadn't she cried them all out by now? "I didn't feel like I had years."
Ribbit nodded, understanding, again, without needing to be told anything more.
"Well," she said. "Now you're here. With me. And I'll give you all the time you need."
Jax blinked, surprised because it didn't feel like a trick anymore. Somehow it felt more real than ever. And so nice. So, so nice. She wanted them to say something to make her blush again so she could disappear into that heat, bathe in it like the sun on the beach. She wanted to kiss again. She wanted to wait so she could savor this. She wanted… Too much. If she unraveled it all it would cover the whole circus.
Instead she blurted out, like a desperate schoolgirl in a boring romance anime: "I like you!" She cringed but kept going. She couldn't stop herself. "A lot. Too."
She coughed awkwardly but Ribbit just smiled that somehow-human smile. "I know," she teased. Then she squeezed Jax's hand. "And that's okay too. We're okay." She studied Jax's face to see if she believed her before moving on, adding, "We're good, even. At least… I feel good. How do you feel?"
Jax looked down at their hands, Ribbit's obscure green fingers wrapped around her gaudy yellow gloves. It didn't feel scary. Not right now.
"Better," she said, and she was pretty sure it was true.
Ribbit sighed out a breath, content and sweet. She closed her large glassy eyes, leaning her head against the wall. "Good," she murmured, and the softness in her voice threatened to lull Jax into something close to comfort. Maybe the closest she could get for now. "That's good."
Jax followed the trail of their bliss as far as she could, resting her head against the wall too. She closed her eyes and listened to the rhytym of Ribbit's breathing beside her, letting the whole of the world melt into colors so plentiful they turned ebony.