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Green feels lightheaded. They chalk it up to adrenalin, nerves, something their body would do to protect itself. Something natural. The squirming sensation deep in their stomach must be today’s breakfast.
You’re too nervous. Stop being nervous. This is finally your chance to prove yourself to everyone. To the captain, to Mira, to your family, to yourself. You are something. You can’t blow it the first day. You can’t vomit up all your fears where everyone can see. You can’t ruin this.
The mantra they repeat makes them sicker. They walk light on their feet and stumble into Medbay with a hand on their forehead. Warm… am I making myself sick? Get ahold of yourself, Green… come on…
“Oh, hey! What’s brought you here, huh? Are you slacking off, newbie?” The voice that snaps Green out of a wave of nausea belongs to White. They raise a glass and offer a smug look. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding. It’s no skin off my back! Sit with me.”
Green doesn’t find the gesture funny or inviting. The sickness remains.
“What are you doing in here?…” Green asks and accepts the offer, they sit on a cot next to White and hold their stomach uncomfortably. Suppress it. Don’t puke. “Do you not feel well, too?”
“Me? Oh, I’m fine!” Nonchalantly, White shrugs and takes a sip of wine. Or, what Green assumes to be wine based off its deep red color. The smell is rich. Green doesn’t like it.
“…oh…” Green feels embarrassed, alone in their homesickness. It feels like nothing they say is right, always the wrong thing, always the wrong time. It feels like they have nothing to bond over. It feels like Green doesn’t belong here (or anywhere).
White offers a glance, curious at Greens meek reaction. They are turned inward on themselves and their legs have a slight tremble as if a cramp has wormed its way through their body. Their face is sickly pale.
“But…” Whites attitude seems to change, raising an eyebrow. “You? Bad first day? Well, I know that feeling. I mean, try dealing with the corporate world. It’s like they expect me to bend over backwards! Don’t they have people for that?” They jest, a laugh. “I mean, other people! People who do the grunt work!”
Green wants to respond pleasantly. Their nose scrunches uncomfortably and they say something they tried not to. “Like me?”
“Huh?” White doesn’t expect the words any less than Green does. They look a little embarrassed too, an awkward smile. “Of course not. You’re an intern, just working your way up the corporate ladder. Captain, right?” They save face with that charm that no doubtably saved them many times before.
Greens brain fog seems to clear just for a second thanks to White. Captain. That’s right. That’s my dream, right? …why did I… forget that?
“Uh.. y… yeah.” They shake their head in recollection, holding their temple trying to shake this odd dizziness.
“Woah,” White, despite seeming naive to reading the room, takes notice. “You don’t look so good. Are you feeling homesick already?”
The question makes Green feel like they’re being propositioned. Teased, made fun of. It doesn’t feel genuine. Feels like their mother pinching their cheek, like being asked how old you’re turning this year. Does it matter?
There’s this horrible pang inside Greens brain that presses against their eyelids. Must be a migraine. They don’t respond for a moment as they try to bury the pain.
“A.. aren’t you?” Desperately grasping at relatability, they close one of their eyes to relieve their retinas of the bright hospital light assaulting them. Aren’t you missing home, too? Aren’t you anything like me? Don’t you understand how I feel, at all…?
White doesn’t miss a beat, shaking their head with a clean, corporate smile. It’s fake, it’s store bought. “Course not! I’m enjoying myself for once. Isn’t it nice to have all this freedom?” White similarity is grasping at relatability. Don’t you want to be enjoying this? Isn’t this trip supposed to be good for us? Aren’t we supposed to become independent?
Freedom.
There’s awkward silence. White doesn’t break it, not with a joke or a dumb smile. They sip the last of their wine and seem to look around for more. They faintly consider drinking the bottle of rubbing alcohol in the medicine cabinet.
Green doesn’t speak either, whether it be because they were too nauseous to speak or because they didn’t know what to say.
Green dips their head slightly. They stare at the floor and their hands ball into a fist on their pants. They cling at the fabric. They try not to puke. They try not to cry.
“I thought it would feel nicer than this. I thought…” They start, wanting to stop. This trip is a good thing. They have to believe that. They fail to lie to themselves anymore, they keep talking. “It feels really lonely.”
Another moment of silence passes. The conversation is now much too honest for either of their liking, but it’s crossed a point of no return. White tries to smile encouragingly, but they can’t seem to manage.
Lonely. Freedom.
White wants another glass of wine. They want to ignore the way their heart starts to ache. They can’t, so they respond. “Well… I’m… here. That’s not so lonely, right?”
Green wants to say no. You’re missing the point. Wants to just shut up. But there’s something inside them that is begging to be released and they throw up word vomit.
“…I thought all I ever wanted was to get out of there, that if I just made that step… if I left home… I’d feel like I could do anything. I could… reach that dream, and be… happy.” They finish it uncertainly, like they don’t really know what the word means.
Happiness. Loneliness. Freedom.
Hunched over on the cot, Green winces. “But I just… don’t know what I’m doing…”
“…” White now has their arms resting behind their head as a makeshift pillow. The one the cot provides is flat and provides no support. They try to get comfortable. They are still uncomfortable. “Well… nobody really knows what they’re doing right? Just, fake it till you make it. That’s what my dad told me.”
The mention of family makes Greens stomach churn. They lift their head and look past their bangs to see if White is being sincere. What else did your dad tell you? Is your dad like mine? Would they have anything in common?
“Smile through it, if you act like you’re the smartest one in the room, it will become true.” White closes their eyes in faux relaxation and smiles again. “That’s what he said. And see how successful he is?”
“Is that as easy as you make it look? …to smile until it’s real? Does it ever stop being scary?”
“…I don’t know.” White doesn’t open their eyes, but a neutral expression settles on their face. Without a smirk, their face looks off.
Fear. Something we share.
“You don’t…?”
“Maybe I’m not as smart as my dad. Maybe he wasn’t as faking as much as he thought? Well… everyone seems to look at me and think I must be pretty great to be his child. He must be onto something, don’t you think?” They say it like they don’t really believe it.
Green no longer feels like crying.
They stare at White like they just made the entire world stop spinning.
White feels the stare, they peek open one eye and quickly break eye contact. As quickly as the connection arrived, it passes. White waves a hand dismissively. “Well he got me where I am, of course I’m grateful.” They seem to try defending themselves from something Green hasn’t even said.
Greens gaze is almost surprised for a moment. When White flippantly dismisses the topic, Green blinks. They tilt their head and their bangs hang over their eyes.
“…are you scared?”
“…w… what?” White rests on their elbows, sitting up now.
Greens expression has darkened. For a moment, they look almost scary. The light inside their eyes is shadowed by their hair and they stare at White without blinking.
“…nothing. I thought we might have felt the same. …I see I was wrong.”
Green blinks. Their eyelids close like a film, and as if rewinding a tape their expression is simple again. Their features rest on their face lightly and a neutral smile raises the corners of their lips.
Despite the smile they offer in Whites direction, their eyes are lifeless and seem to be looking at nothing. The previous nausea building up inside of them has amounted to nothing. The color has returned to their face. Nothing is amiss, not anymore.
Green feels better now, and the conversation ends.