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🏒 CENS CENS CENS 🏒
Shane💕💕: I still can’t believe this won the vote for fundraiser idea
Hazy: I can. I think Lisa voted a thousand times
Bood: Cassie too. The WAGs were feral campaigning for this.
Holmberg: so is it Sexy Hockey Calendar or just Sexy Calendar?
Luca: yeah I don’t really know if I want to pose half naked with my stick
Ilya: you could pose all naked with your stick 😏
Hazy: BOO
Dykstra: BOO
Chouinard: BOO
Shane💕💕: Ilya 🤨
Luca: 🙊
Ilya: alright alright.
Ilya: I have a surprise for you, boys. Just wear your hockey pants and I’ll handle the rest.
Bood: oh this should be good….
“Shane, don’t forget to bring that box to the shoot!” Ilya stressed. Shane’s eyes were narrowed at his husband.
“Am I allowed to know what’s in the box yet?” Shane asked, suspicious. Ilya mimed zipping up his lips. “Am I allowed to know why we aren’t driving to the shoot together….?” Ilya just gestured at his closed lips, then shrugged as though defeated. Shane glared at him, picked up the box, and strode from the house.
Ilya pulled out his phone.
Ilya: I’m on my way 😈😈😈😈
Harris: this is actually my favorite idea of yours.
Shane arrived at the rink, weighed down by the box and his gear bag. Troy got the door for him.
“Hey,” Shane said, “thanks. Harris all set up?” Troy shook his head.
“He said he needed to drive separate.” Troy said, a little put out. “Wouldn’t tell me why.” Shane paused.
“Wait… Ilya said the same thing.” They both just grimaced. “What are they up to?” Shane sighed.
“Best to just remain ignorant at this point.” Troy commiserated. They shuffled their way to where the team was meeting.
Harris strolled in, hauling a bunch of photography gear. The team’s photographer, Gen, also was setting up an area on the ice.
“Thanks everyone for coming in!” Harris said, cheerfully. He ignored the suspicious looks thrown at him by Shane and Troy. “Just missing… here he is!” Everyone turned to see Ilya. Ilya looked excited, but a little… out of breath?
“Okay, okay, listen up. We have a job here to do today!” Ilya said, tapping into his Captain’s rally speech voice. Shane would like to pretend that this voice didn’t do something for him, but he was working on being more honest with himself. So he just focused back on his misgivings about Ilya’s antics, to avoid embarrassing himself. “We are helping not just one charity today! But two!!!” He looked around, frowning at the lack of enthusiasm. “I said. TWO!!!” The team gave some whoops. Ilya tapped his stick on the ground. “I want you fuckers to leave it all out on the ice today! These charities deserve our best! There are lives depending on your efforts today!!!” Ilya exclaimed, flailing his arms dramatically. The team all stared at him. Ilya just smiled devilishly. “Don’t believe me? Well then…” He strode over to the door. “Maybe my friends will convince you…”
“Oh my god, is Ilya in the Mafia?” Young whispered to Holmberg.
Shane doesn’t know what Ilya thought would happen when he opened that door.
But 10 hockey players screaming while ambushed by 30 puppies was not what Shane thought his morning would look like.
“JESUS CHRIST, ILYA, DID YOU EMPTY THE SHELTER?!” Harris cried out. Ilya was currently chasing two puppies on the ice.
“THEY HAD JUST FOUND A PUPPY MILL LAST WEEK! THEY NEED EXERCISE!” Ilya shouted.
“HOW DID YOU EVEN GET ALL OF THESE PUPPIES HERE?!” Shane cried out as a puppy slid away with his glove.
“I MAY HAVE PAID SEVERAL UBER DRIVERS A LOT OF MONEY!”
The rink was chaos. Luca appeared to have given up, lying down and just covering his head.
Hayes was hiding in his goal, having created a barricade with his gear.
Troy and Harris appeared to have two puppies each.
The rookies were all hiding in the penalty box.
Bood and Dykstra tried to corral the puppies with their sticks.
After 10 minutes, the puppies appeared to have tired of terrorizing the hockey players. They were able to be gathered onto a mat on the ice to protect their paws.
“So… yes…” Ilya turned to a team that was glaring at him. “We will not only be raising money for the Irina Foundation, but also taking pictures with the puppies to help them get adopted!” Ilya said, cheerily. “The no-kill shelter they are at is now at capacity. So local animals may end up at kill shelters if we don’t help them get adopted.” Ilya held up the smallest puppy he could find. “Pwease help me save their fwiends.”
The team all groaned.
“Only if you never speak like that again.” Bood said. “Give me a goddamn puppy.” He said, extending his hand. Ilya gasped, covering the puppy’s ears.
“Language. Oh and take off your shirt.” Ilya said. “All of you. Shane, the box please.” Shane glared at his husband, then shoved the box at him. Ilya pulled out multiple bottles of baby oil. “Must be extra sexy hockey players with puppies. For calendar. If anyone has questions about posing, Mr. Vogue over there,” he gestured at Shane, “can give advice. Rumor has it, he was Gerber baby.”
Cassie squealed, opening the highly awaited package. The 2019 “Centaurs Give Back” calendar had finally arrived.
She flipped through it on FaceTime with the other WAGs. They all laughed to tears looking at the various months.
January had her husband laid on the ice, two puppies laid across his pecs.
February had Troy, mid push-up on the ice, with a gaggle of puppies jumping up to lick him.
March had Dykstra, legs sprawled wide with two large puppies flanking him on the Zamboni.
April had Luca, three little puppies scooped in his arms, as he peered up into the camera. His boyish grin, blue eyes, abs, and puppies all would surely be trending on r/LucaHaas in no time.
Chouinard graced May with a solid arm flex with a puppy in each hand. Charming smile and a wink.
Holmberg, Young, LaPointe, and Boyle had June through September. They managed to make it seem like their pictures were interconnected with the same few puppies running through their pictures.
Shane and Ilya shared October. They were laid on the ice, heads next to each other, feet pointed opposite directions. Ear to ear with each other, they grinned up into the camera with puppies licking their face.
Wyatt rounded out November by running with a practice goal, scooping up a bunch of escaping puppies in the net.
December was supposed to be a copy of the cover of the calendar. The team all posed nicely, bare chested, oiled up holding all the puppies.
But instead it was a wide shot of the mayhem of the team being swarmed by the puppies. The looks of horror spread across the page like a game of “Where’s Waldo?”
Truly, the Centaurs gave the world something special that year.
(Oh… and Ilya was fired from all future fundraising planning.)