Chapter Text
There are still thirty minutes until practice starts, and this upcoming quiz will be held later, so I need to recall everything I studied— tried to study last night.
Where is Jai? Is he not studying as well? Should I fetch him?
Otd nudged me, and I had to swat his hand. Can't he see that I need to review for this quiz? He nudged me again, but this time harder, "What is it, Otd?" I removed the other side of my earphone and glared at him with my pen in the air. I hope he gets the message that I don't want to be disturbed.
I followed where he was pointing. I regret turning around. All I could do was sigh. Jai has a different toy this time. The relationships he had didn't even last a week; the longest would be four days, and that is already an exaggeration on my part.
"It's a different one again. I think Jai has already dated half of the people in our university." You tell me, Al. I should be focusing my attention on my notes, but my eyes were following them.
Why are they coming here? Why is Jai bringing that here?
"Al, Pik," Jai hesitated in introducing his new lover. I wanted to scoff so loud! He can't even remember this thing's name! Pfft!
We waited for Jai to introduce his plaything, but he couldn't. I turn my gaze to the one beside him, whose arm was linked with Jai's. My gaze stayed there, and I felt the pang in my chest, like someone just stabbed me with a sharp knife. But I didn't let them notice, but I know the pain is well painted on my face.
"Pearl," He smiled, all I did was nod. I had to leave. I can't be here. I don't want to see Jai be with someone else.
I bumped into Al's arm and made an excuse to buy a drink. He nodded. I was about to leave when he jumped from his seat, "I'm going too. We're just gonna get drinks, do you guys want—"
I didn't let Al finish what he was asking Jai about that thing, and I had to leave. I just cannot be in the same place as them. I feel like air is being taken from me just seeing Jai with another lover again.
I stood by the cafeteria, my hand on the wall, letting it anchor the heaviness that I'm feeling. I hate feeling this way, but here I am. Still beside Jai, witnessing every lover he introduces as his boyfriend or girlfriend, and all I could do was stand on the side. I will never be in the picture— I am. As his friend.
Some fucking friend.
"Don't," I warned Al as I felt his presence beside me. "Don't give me any kind of advice that I have already heard, Odt." I walked out of the cafeteria with Al following me. We walked and walked, passing every student. When I saw an area where there were no students nor anyone at all, I plopped to the ground and just sighed.
I glanced at Al and I could feel that he had something to say. I nodded in defeat and let him. "One day, you two will have a heated argument where, eventually, you will confess out of anger, and it may or may not ruin what you guys have. But, the thing is, either Jai is dumb, he likes you too, but doesn't know how to act on it—"
"Him? Liking me? Are we seeing the same Jai, Al?" Alpha scoffed and sat beside me, "What I'm saying is, he's playing around to get your attention."
"That's some fucked up way to get my attention," I said straight up. Hurt from what I saw and from the theory Al gave me. Why does he have to hurt me to get my attention? If that were really the reason. He's an asshole to do that, and I'm too stupid to stay beside the person who keeps on getting my hopes up, only to get it crashed in the end.
"If we hypothetically say that your delusions are true, he wouldn't even save me if I'm falling in love, which I already am. Fuck." I groaned in frustration. Now I can't even face the quiz and the cheerleading practice.
"Go home, Pik."
"I'll tell the professor and coach that you had an upset stomach or something," Al added.
Home. Go home. Yep, I need to go home because if I don't, I might end up more hurt than I am right now. I nodded at Al and gave him the most heartfelt smile I could muster.
—
When I stepped inside my condo and felt that no one was there to see me break down, everything that I was feeling—the tightness in my throat, the pain in my chest, the heaviness, and tears. The tears that I thought I had already shed are threatening to fall.
I let myself feel whatever this is. Because if I keep this bottled up, I might combust and have a breakdown. I covered my face with my hand and caught every tear that fell from my eyes.
My phone pinged a notification, even with a blurry vision from tears covering my sight, I knew that it was from Jai.
From: Jaijai
Al told me you had an upset stomach. Are you alright, Pookpik?
I didn't reply to Jai's message. I don't even have the strength to.
I then heard the door open, and watched through the strands of my hair the man I don't want to see for now. What are you even doing here, Jai? I didn't reply to you because I am wailing in misery right now. I am swimming in my own despair.
"Are you asleep, Pik?" I felt him brush my hair away from my face, and my heart skipped a beat. So much for crying because of you, Jaijai!
Jai swept me from the couch and carried me, "If you're sick, you could've told me. I had to learn about it from Al." I wanted to shout at him to stop toying with me, but being carried by Jai, being in his arms, I just felt at home. He tucked me into bed as he lay beside me. Jai's arm is around my waist.
Jai and I hug, but whenever he pulls me towards him in bed while his arm rests on my waist, his calm breathing as he sleeps, that action makes me question everything that friends do.
I turned around and faced him, "Did you break up with your lover again?" He nodded and rested his head between my neck and shoulders. He doesn't cry if they break up; Jai just finds a new lover and moves on. He doesn't even treat those things as a relationship, so I don't get why he even gets into a "relationship".
"How are you feeling? Are you going to puke? Do you want meds?" That's one way to change the topic, Jaijai. I shook my head as he lent his arm for me to use as a pillow.
"Tell me next time, Pik, if you're feeling under the weather, we'll go home together."
"You'd do that?" I don't know if Jai can feel the excitement in my tone, but I'm just happy that he still prioritizes me. I still mean something to Jai. I'm still important to Jai.
He cupped my face and smiled, "Of course I'd do that. You're my friend, Pik."
Right. Friend.
I stared back at Jai but eventually darted away. I can't look at him for too long; my heart just can't do it. Looking at Jai, seeing him staring back at me, gives me butterflies in my stomach. I closed my eyes and hopefully drifted to sleep. Jai moved; now his forehead is touching mine. I can feel his breathing. Jai and I are inches away from each other.
I backed away, but Jai pulled me towards him, making our lips almost touch. The air left my lungs in a quiet, trembling rush. We are too close.
"Jai," I stuttered, "you're too close."
He didn't answer but groaned and just scooted closer to me. His lips are grazing mine. I don't know if Jai knows what he's doing to me or if he can hear how loud my heart is beating. But all I know is that my mind is short-circuiting with what is happening right now. Every breath I take gets stuck in my throat.
Jai opened his eyes, and he stared at my agape lips. He moved closer, and I backed away. He can't play with me like this, not right now that I feel too vulnerable, now that my feelings are on my sleeve.
He moved closer, his other hand resting on the back of my head, stopping me from backing away. Jai smiled and moved once again. My breathing is getting caught in my throat for the nth time. I looked down on his lips as he did. If I push myself towards Jai, we would for sure kiss.
Can friends even kiss?
Jai kissed the side of my lips, he brushed his thumb across my lips, and hummed. I closed my eyes and felt Jai's lips on mine. If I'm dreaming, please! Please don't wake me up!
"Be my favorite vice, Pik."